call me oat

third base is telling my partner i'm afraid of being too much because of something chemical in my brain.

how does one even begin with the chemicals?

maybe the genetic disposition?

maybe the environmental factors that enabled the gene?

maybe how the chemicals poison every aspect of my life, including myself?

how do i begin to explain the deep-rooted fear that one day the chemicals will overwhelm someone's love for me? that the chemicals will turn me into the opposite of who they fell in love with?

how can i rid myself of a mood disorder that hasn't given me a break in 5 years?

how could i ever have the hope that one day it'll leave me alone? that it'll stop sucking the life and dreams out of me?

first photo: maggie: "i'm gonna need you more than you need me." jamie: "that's okay." maggie: "no, it's not. it isn't fair." ~ love and other drugs (2010)

maggie suffers from early onset parkinson's disease. the scene displays maggie's painful admission that her relationship with jamie will require him to take care of her more than usual.

it wouldn't be 50/50--parkinson's made sure of that.

i'm maggie.

i'm petrified of letting myself fall for someone, knowing that in the end, i'm going to need them more than they need me.

it fills every one of my cells with debilitating fear: i feel like a burden to whomever loves me.

mood swings, spontaneous depressive episodes, highs and lows, all of it will affect my partner.

how can i begin to explain that i hate the chemicals in my head?

how can i let someone love me when i know these chemicals will destroy them along with me?

i get rly insecure and depressed when i see the actress that's part of the ship (bc im just THAT insecure), so now i have to starve myself of the fandom and it HURTS

genuinely can't.

it's so infuriating bc the moment i ask for more specific instructions or i ask questions, she'll get mad.

so what the fuck am i supposed to do???

just me, the dark, and the warm-lighting lamplights.

k:

being in a relationship shouldn't take away your sense of self or your own life. that person is not your entire life.

loving someone won't make them choose recovery, nor can you force them to choose recovery. they have to choose it themselves. being in a relationship doesn't mean becoming that person's 24/7 therapist.

you deserve better. i deserved better than being hid by her family because she wasn't out yet. i deserved to be loved loudly and proudly.

don't give 80% only to get 20% in return. match the person's energy.

breakups can happen even if you still love each other.

breakups will always happen, it's not the end of the world. i thought i couldn't live without her, let alone breathe, but i can (even though it's painful).

your identity is not tied to the person you're in a relationship with. you should be able to be in a relationship AND have your own identity. if you lose your identity, then get out of that relationship.

you can't be in a lasting relationship for someone who cannot read/act your love language. you can't teach someone to read you when they're not even interested in learning your signals.

don't chase after people that let you go, even if they didn't want to let you go. just because they didn't want to doesn't mean you chase them--in the end, they did let you go.

you deserve someone who will go out of their way to love you loudly (or in a way that you appreciate/desire).