inked fat kid

It’s not always about sex.

It’s intimacy we want.

To be touched. To be looked at. To be admired.

Smiled at. Laugh with someone.

Feel safe. Feel like someone’s really got you.

Just before the year end, I just want to share some things with you. Una, when you asked me if I was angry, I lied. I was hurt at ang sama ang loob ko pero hindi ko siguro kayang magalit sayo, I think my love for you is bigger than your what you did.

Secondly, I will forgive you, hiningi mo naman yung pagpapatawad kaya sino ba ako para hindi ibigay yun sayo. I’m forgiving you to have my peace of mind. Yung sama ng loob at sakit, lilipas yan and I dont want to trouble you of the burden, thinking na hindi kita pinatawad. More than anything, pag-unawa at pag-aalala sayo yung una kong naisip after mahimasmasan pagtapos mong sabihin ung mga nangyari. Above all, I dont want you to miss out on your life dyan sa Manila, just because you’re stuck with a virtual relationship with me. You don’t have to feel like you have to postpone your life waiting for someone.

Lastly, salamat rin naman sa maiksing panahon na pinagsamahan natin Drei. I am just glad to have met you during my time dyan sa Pinas. Muli’t muli ko ring sasabihin sayo na “thank you for bringing out the kid in me again”. Ang saya lang that I have found myself again, being carefree and loved dahil yun yung pinaramdam mo sakin. Masaya pa rin namang maalala yung mga masasayang sandaling pinagsamahan natin kahit may onting sakit pa. Heh. Hahaayyss

I found this, or maybe the fb algorithm found me this message. Its just exactly how I am feeling and probably what I want to say to you right now kaya hihiramin ko na lang sa kung sino man ang sumulat nito (with minor edits);

“darating ang oras na ang pag-ibig ay hindi na tungkol sa pagkapit. it becomes something softer, mas tahimik—isang uri ng lakas na hindi nagdedemand, kundi bumibitaw. it’s the realization na may ibang connections, gaano man kalalim o kababaw, na kailangang mag-drift apart. and in that drifting, walang failure, only the gentle truth that love cannot always conquer circumstances–na binibigyan tayo nito ng choice para hindi na magpatuloy. dahil somehow ang pagtigil ay isang uri rin ng pag-ibig.

my final act of love is not in the grand gestures or desperate words; kaya kong sumulat ng maraming mga sulat, kaya kong magsend ng sandamakmak na pagkahaba-habang mga mensahe, pero sa huli, it will all boil down to the stillness of acceptance. it’s in the letting go without resistance, in loosening the grip on what once was, not because it wasn’t real, but because clinging to it only prolongs the ache. it’s an act of respect–para sa’kin, para sa’yo, at para sa minsang pinagsaluhan natin–maging para sa mga hindi na natin maibabahagi, mga hindi na magiging.

sinabi kong susulatan ko ang pakiramdam na ‘to until there’s nothing left to write about. because that’s just who i am–binibitbit ko ang mga bagay-bagay sa salita, i relive them a hundred times, and a hundred more, until every angle has been explored, every thought exhausted. at ngayon, tingin ko i’ve hit the limit. narating ko na ang dulo.

it does end, after all. ang mga pakiramdam, ang mga tanong, ang bigat–hindi sila mananatili habang buhay. There’s a saying na “you should treat all emotions like a travelling friend.” they have their time and place, pero hindi sila permanent. pwede kang matuto rito, enjoy their presence habang nariyan, and let them guide you without allowing them to dictate your entire journey.

hindi ako bibitaw nang galit. hindi ako maglalakad palayo nang may naiiwang pait. i release with a heart that still remembers the sweet memories that was brought, the long term lessons left, and the ever-evolving person im becoming because of it all. ang pagmamahal, natutunan ko, ay hindi palaging tungkol sa pananatili. minsan, it’s about stepping back, making space, and allowing life to unfold without trying to force it into something na hindi nito kayang maging.

this is not surrender, but liberation. dahil ang pag-ibig, sa pinakahubad nitong anyo, ay mapagpalaya. it does not seek to possess or to chain, but to give wings where there is none. at sa pagpapalaya kong ito, hindi ko lang piniling palayain ang sarili, kundi pati na rin ikaw–mula sa bigat ng aking mga inaasam, mula sa mga alingawngaw ng mga minsang naging, at mula sa mga bahagi ng sarili kong nahirapang hayaan kang lumisan.

and as i close this door, i leave it with gratitude–for the good, for the hard, and for the way it all shaped me. hindi rito natatapos ang kapasidad kong magmahal; ito ang pag-iibang anyo ng pag-ibig into something lighter, freer, something that finally feels like peace.”

When you asked me before na turuan kitang maging adult, i think this is my piece of wisdom for you and I hope we both learned something out of our short love story. There is still so much out there waiting for you Drei so the bravest thing you can do is keep showing up for yourself, everyDrei. And always be grateful for where you are so it will lead you to where you want to be.

May you find your peace and happiness. Halong pirmi, Drei.

Hanggang sa muli,

April 14, 2021 nung magsimulang mag-viral yung #communitypantry sa Maginhawa-- and like a virus, it easily spread out.

COMMUNITY PANTRY “Magbigay ayon sa kakayahan, kumuha batay sa pangangailangan.”

dalawang insights mula sa isang kaibigan ang ung naisip ko nung naging viral itong social mobilization na ito.

Una, naalala ko ung teaching tungkol sa mahihirap/kahirapan; na masahol na paraan ng pakikipagkapwa tao ay ang hiyain o iparamd. am sa mahirap na sila’y mahirap. Do not shame the poor. Community pantries destroyed the idea that poverty should prevent you from helping in the smallest way that you can. Na sa maliit na paraan, kaya pala nating magbahagi. 

Pangalawa, we share the same vulnerabilities and struggles. There is a strong sense of realisation na yung nangyayari sa kapwa natin ngayon, pupwedeng mangyari satin bukas o sa hinaharap. 

Iniisip ng mga kritiko na baka dumugin o pagkaguluhan yung mga community pantries ng mga mahihirap, pero sa mga kwentong community pantry na nabasa ko, walang ganoon. Hindi lahat ng Pilipino, mapagsamantala. Hindi lahat ng mahihirap, tamad at walang malasakit sa iba. Masyado na ata tayong nasanay sa pagkaganid nung mga nakaupo sa pwesto kaya ang tingin natin sa ordinaryong tao ay ganoon rin ang gagawin.

Kitang kita rin dito ung pakiki-ride nung mga nasa malacanang, na bayanihan daw ito. Hindi. Tigilan na ang paggamit ng resiliency para ijustify ung kawalang-bahala ng mga nakaupo para resolbahin ang gutom, kawalan ng trabaho at pagdodown play sa COVID-19. Isang malaking sampal itong mga community pantry sa inaction ng gobyerno nung pagong.

Sharing here my insights on personal branding for nurses in the digital age.

Photo from @DollyParton (Instagram)

Days after her 74th birthday, the legendary Dolly Parton accidentally created a new viral challenge: show off your different personalities on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram and Tinder. She captioned it, "Get you a woman who can do it all."

This creative meme challenge was launched in January 21, 2020 and became viral as people accepted, recreated their own memes and posted them online. Even members of healthcare have joined the idea and make themselves a brand of their own. It may seem odd at first due to the fact that we have to create different “personality” in each platform, but this is the new reality that we have now in this digital age. The thing about posting online is that we are able to control what we want to show the digital world and having that power of control, we can decide on the narrative that we want to let our friends, colleagues and family members know about us. We let them know our principles, the causes that we pursue, the advocacies that we want to communicate with them or even just an avenue where we can express our deepest thoughts and feelings.

From this module, I learned that personal branding is something that we must always strive to achieve, not to gain fame and popularity but to have the platform to communicate ways of improving lives and serving others. Back then, I always take this opportunity for granted with the mind-set that my social media profile is still my personal space, but upon learning from this module, I understood the impact of influence that we can bring in making positive changes. After all, leadership is influence and through the responsible use of new age media, we can start building that influence to other people.

Kukupas sa oras

Marahang marahan

Uukitin sa puno ating mga ngalan

Nang kung maligaw, may palatandaan

Sa away at kantyawan

Ma't pagmamalabis

May pagibig pa rin

Hwag ka nang umalis

Dahil dito, dito nasusukat ang layo

Ang sentro nitong daigdig

Wala ng makadadaig

Sa'tin, Sa'tin pa rin ang uwi

Batobalani pusong pagal

Magbabalik ang pagmamahal

May tawanan na tutuldukan

Ng yakap, halik

May pagibig pa rin

Realisations.

Alam mo yung frustration ng isang OFW na healthcare professional sa panahong to?

Nasaan dapat ako?

Ano dapat ang ginagawa ko while all this is happening?

Heto, nasa bahay, sitting comfortably while some of my former colleagues back home in the Philippines are fighting a deadly war that they don’t know if they can win over.

Recently, a friend suggested that he wanted to volunteer for contact tracing of high-risk and possibly exposed citizens to NCOV. Initially, I was against it, given the fact that this is just another form of exploitation to the abused and overused healthcare professionals. But then I immediately regretted saying that I am against it because few days back “while sitting comfortably” at home, naiisip ko na magpa-repatriate para mag-volunteer, any frontline volunteer commitment would do instead of just me simply sitting and monitoring news all over the world. Naisip ko na dapat andun rin ako sa gitna ng hirap ng mga frontliners. Naisip ko na I could have been more useful in serving the people. Regardless of the risk of contracting the NCOV, I envy them for not being able to use the skills and knowledge to serve the greater good. With this, narealise ko na ulit kung bakit pala ako naging nurse. Eto yon.

"As years pass, I discover that I'm no longer running after things. I do my best and watch God's plans. I believe that what I missed wasn't meant for me and what I lose wasn't meant to stay. I have a strong feeling that my prayers are heard even if I can't see the results now."

Recently, I had a conversation with my friends in the Philippines, we have this group chat in Facebook where we almost talk about anything and everything. One of my friend, who is a physician is currently having her residency in a tertiary general hospital in Manila brought up that she wanted to quit the profession or find another hospital due to the scarcity of hospital resources (gloves, IV fluids, medicines, etc.) and that she is frustrated because the hospital would still admit patients despite their overcapacity. I shared the same experience when I was still a nurse in a government hospital also in Manila, due to the unavailability of some supplies, we are forced prescribe the patients this necessary supplies. I am ashamed to hand over these prescriptions knowing that they do not also have the capacity to purchase them. The fact that they came to a government hospital is already a reflection of their incapability to shoulder for hospitalization.

When I came here in the Middle East, it was the complete opposite. There is an overflowing supply of medicines (to the point that we are returning them to the pharmacy due to near expiration), materials, human resource, etc. yet my colleagues does not have the consciousness of conserving these resources. There is so much hospital waste collected every day. I understood the principles of infection prevention and control however, some staffs does not bear in their consciousness to conserve. There are a lot of incidence of wastage. This point of view may not directly impact patient care but this reflects the (1) imbalance with the distribution of wealth and resources (2) failure to conserve the wealth and resources in places where there is abundance of it. In one side of the world, there is scarcity with wealth and resources while there is abundance on the other end, yet it is being used relentlessly.

I put this situation in an ethical context because of the desensitization of humanity towards conservation. It is rooted in our societal norms that taught us to be consumers at a young age. We would hear from our elders a conditioning concept of materialism—“mag-aral ka mabuti para makahanap ka ng trabaho at mabili mo yung mga gusto mo.” This words, in one way or another may have created a deep foundation focused on materialism and so we are practicing unconscious consumerism. A very timely Encyclical Letter entitled Laudato Si’ made by Pope Francis in 2015 which focused on the care for the creation, tackled about the “throwaway” culture that is closely linked pollution and contamination of the Earth. It is stated in the encyclical letter “The earth, our home, is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth. In many parts of the planet, the elderly lament that once beautiful landscapes are now covered with rubbish.” http://w2.vatican.va/content/dam/francesco/pdf/encyclicals/documents/papa-francesco_20150524_enciclica-laudato-si_en.pdf

have we asked for signs to Christ lately?

unsatisfied jobs, imperfect relationship, catastrophe, increase in valuables, etc.

Recently, a magnitude 5.7 earthquake hit the Philippines, with its epicenter somewhere in Zambales. Is this the sign you are looking for? Last week, the world awaits the Resurrection of Christ in Easter Sunday, but during the Lent, have we prepared ourselves for His coming? and by prepared means, are we worthy to welcome the renewal of the Lord’s love and compassion for us? Is this the sign you are looking for? We are always looking for signs, yet we failed to recognise that Christ is the sign we are all waiting/ looking for.

An unsatisfying job means you are being prepared for a better one, and imperfect relationship means someone else will be given to you by God, catastrophes are often perceived as God’s punishment but to see it on a different perspective as His presence, after all it was the signs we might be looking for. On another viewpoint, we sometimes see His signs through increase in our earthly valuables; I had a conversation with my not so “believable” boss. Initially, we are talking about the meaning of easter and all things related to the Resurrection. It was a good conversation actually, then he suddenly shifted on a topic about prosperity. I immediately drew the line from there. How can you believe someone who talks about Christ’s Paschal Mystery yet would segway into prosperity and increasing your earthly valuables? I believe nothing is wrong with aspiring to gain financial independence, what bothers me is that he brags of himself as rich because of his assets and investments and that he would encourage us to work hard. Cringe. (gusto ko talagang sabihin sa kanya at that time na “malaki lang sweldo mo so don’t even talk about working hard. Ugh) 

Anyway, as a conclusion;

Eto na naman ako, worrying about something that does not even happened yet.

Been planning and preparing to take the IELTS this 1st quarter of the year. The preparations is going smooth so far, but at the end of the day, after studying modules and lectures, eto na naman ako sa worries ko na baka hindi ko kaya, baka mamental block ako etc. I hate this feeling of incompetence. I've been telling to myself na kaya ko. Kaya ko naman. Pero minsan talaga papasok na naman yung looming anxiety of not "making it there."

I dont want to entertain the thought and just focus on reviewing and preparing but sometimes its just there. Fck it.

by 2019, my contract here in Kuwait will end. Where to next?

I don’t know yet. pero hindi siguro ako pang-abroad. Hindi ako ung tipong dapat nalalayo sa pamilya. Struggles living abroad is real. I was not meant to work my ass out to be rich. I just wanted to be happy. Happy around the people I loved. 

I always dreamed of going to places pero likewise, para magbakasyon lang. My eldest sister worked for 13 years overseas, and I kind of regret that life she had, para sa pamilya. Tama na siguro ung isang OFW sa pamilya diba. I just wanted to have a content life back home. I just wanted our family be complete again in the Philippines. Pero ngayon di na naman un mangyayari for another 4 years dahil si ate ay nasa Poland na ngayon. Haaay. It makes me sad not see my pamangkin with ate, I wanted her to have at least a family of her own. All her life it was all about our family.

"It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving"

Inspired by the humility of Saint Teresa of Calcutta, Oblates of the Poor started on a rainy night in August 2016 with the mission to feed the homeless.

For almost two years, the mission has always been done in silence. Planning phase were buried deep in facebook group chats, photos compiled in our phones and stories after handing out these packed meals were only shared within ourselves. Now as we come close to our 2nd year, we wanted to share this story of hope, our small way of giving and serving the less privileged. We wanted to share this story so that it may inspire the youth to do the same or in any way be part the mission. How little it may be, we can do something! And so if you are reading this and wish to make a change in the lives of others, feel free to talk to us! 😊

Also, to our generous family and friends, thank you for the untiring love and support.

To our ever growing mission group, thank you for giving your time and effort in making this possible.

Above all, thank you Lord for the gift of service, it is only in service that we can demonstrate the love you have taught us.

Lastly, please continue to pray for our dear brothers and sisters in Christ who are in need. Thank you! 🙏

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam!

#oblatesofthepoor

"It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving"

Inspired by the humility of Saint Teresa of Calcutta, Oblates of the Poor started on a rainy night in August 2016 with the mission to feed the homeless.

For almost two years, the mission has always been done in silence. Planning phase were buried deep in facebook group chats, photos compiled in our phones and stories after handing out these packed meals were only shared within ourselves. Now as we come close to our 2nd year, we wanted to share this story of hope, our small way of giving and serving the less privileged. We wanted to share this story so that it may inspire the youth to do the same or in any way be part the mission. How little it may be, we can do something! And so if you are reading this and wish to make a change in the lives of others, feel free to talk to us! 😊

Also, to our generous family and friends, thank you for the untiring love and support.

To our ever growing mission group, thank you for giving your time and effort in making this possible.

Above all, thank you Lord for the gift of service, it is only in service that we can demonstrate the love you have taught us.

Lastly, please continue to pray for our dear brothers and sisters in Christ who are in need. Thank you! 🙏

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam!

#oblatesofthepoor

#catholic