It's empty in the valley of your heart

Also my face since I’m feeling generous. Please don’t be weird in my chat. I just miss blogging. I miss feeling like a part of the world even if Tumblr has largely died out. Ibstarted this blog 13 years ago and sometimes I wish I could transport myself backwards in time and relive all of that knowing what I know now.

I’m constantly terrified but also trying hard to smile and I tell ya, the balance between the two is something else. Does anyone else miss the Tumblr days when we could all be angsty together?

I crave a world that is dead and buried now, replaced by AI that tells you you’re right even if you tell it you hacked your whole family and fed them to the pigs.

I’m an anomaly. I’ve been told by so many different doctors that it could be x, y, z that I stopped getting scared. I stopped entering terror. I just started nodding along with a good ol hmmm maybe

What I know for sure is that I have hyper adrenergic postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome and the adrenaline dumping started 6 months ago. And sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore.

I have ocular myasthenia gravis. I have gastroparesis now as well, sadly. OHSU has taken very good care of me and has done a great job with testing a research studies.

There is also the hypermobile Ehlers Danlos syndrome that caused so many oddities I thought normal for years. When I got the Moderna vaccine and then a particularly brutal strain of Covid, it just broke my body’s ability to keep the wool over my eyes

Incomplete lupus, but what can ya do. They won’t do anything until it’s completely formed and regardless, I have a gene that causes disease modifying drugs to be toxic to my body.

Mostly I’m okay tho, just because mentally I decided I have to be. If I lost myself in my despair I’d rob my mother of her youngest child and I don’t particularly feel like doing that.

The starry-eyed boy, cheeks ablaze, harboring a need to be loved

So violently that the desperation escaped through his pores,

And he set those sights on me after one taste of my maternal, beautiful energy.

Almond-shaped hazel eyes scouring mine for confirmation that he belonged.

Mine intensely searched his for all signs that this was love, that I was no longer running.

Labored breath, battered knees from tumbling as I fled

From men with an appetite for pretty girls with daddy issues and a deficit of boundaries.

I learned quickly after my father took his last breath,

Crying to men who laid hands on my back in faux sympathy,

Secretly counting down in their heads the pats it would take to lay their hands on my nude body.

How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

Those moments would flash in my mind as I let down my guard to fall for you.

Women have been hunted for thousands of years, but not with pitchforks.

The weapons at play have been fingers interlocked with ours

And eyes soft enough to trick us into believing the man standing in front of us is a savior

And not the wolf.

When first we met, I was captivated by your sweetness,

Innocence so potent you’d be a fool not to smell it on your breath.

The sugared words you uttered of marriage, your dream to find your wife—

And I’d spent most of my adulthood begging for the opportunity to be joined with in matrimony.

So desperately I longed to believe your sentiments,

And mostly I did, but the nature of men always rears its ugly head.

They long to conquer; women are things to cloak in their house crest,

And once we’re broken-in broodmares, the grass over yonder starts looking mighty fine.

My trust was shattered long before you sought me out.

I kneeled on the ground, collecting every fragment of it I could find, feeling each one perforate my fingertips.

With the strongest glue I could find, I assembled for you the strongest love I’d offered to date.

Or at least, in the moment, I firmly believed that to be true.

Until I saw the mask slip, your devotion turning lukewarm in the night as I slept.

My cheek resting on your chest turned to a bowling ball with such speed.

You set fire to our little home, fled into the night,

And I stand here waiting for my nightgown to catch ablaze.

A captain goes down with the ship, isn’t that what they say?

The inferno flirts with my cheeks as I stand and watch what we built decay.

Every part of me wishes I could claim ignorance, say I was misinformed,

But alas, I watch as your eyes slowly slip from love into contempt.

Is in

Pieces.

Have you ever had to make a choice that broke your own heart because someone else was careless with it and you knew you needed to do it? Have you ever sat there, trying your best not to cry with fresh makeup on, knowing you can’t reach out whatsoever?

How did it turn into you just going about life and enjoying it, and me sitting here with these tears I won’t let fall just begging me to let the gates down?

I suddenly feel so very replaceable, or easily cast aside. I know it sounds mental, but I can’t help but feel so worthless. I’m chronically ill and suffering horrendously right now, I’m alone all day and I’m feeling very impulsive.

I have always had a tendency to swing into the realm of things I shouldn’t do when I’m hurt. But instead I am writing this post because it’s the only thing that heals my heart. Or numbs the pain I guess.

If I had known that this life would carry such suffering and heartache I would have taken myself out in my mother’s womb. Maybe broke free and strangled myself with her intestines. Idk.

All I know is that this hurts and I have nobody to lay my heart bare to.

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

Please make it stop. Help me care about the things I love again.

to start with, I got incredibly drunk today at 11 AM but everything was too much. I didn’t eat but one chocolate today, I can’t touch food right now. My body doesn’t want it. I’ve lost 28 pounds in the last two months. I’m walking on a minefield and I’m terrified all the time. What is my purpose? Every single time I feel like I’ve found it, it slips out of my fingers.

I spent two nights in the hospital this past week due to very abnormal T waves in my EKG. When I stand up, my legs, arms fingers and toes turn red and purple and swell. This happened the other night and my pulse soared to 162 within seconds.

I went to the ER with those symptoms plus a tremor in my right arm and leg specifically, trouble speaking and confusion. They found the abnormal t waves on my first EKG. I was so scared I was crying and the lady asked if I’d had one before. She didn’t know I’ve had so many it makes me feel sick to think about it

but this time felt different. I really felt like this was it. I was all alone and so fucking scared. If I’d had someone with me, I think I may have been less teary. Who knows. They monitored me for those two days. They kept injecting me with something that caused the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life, plus hallucinating.

They’d then wheel me over to wait for the frequent xrays and EKGs and the tile floor looked like the ocean. I remembered being younger, running around in a bikini on the beach. I wondered how I got here and got the overwhelming urge to rip out my IV and just bleed out on the floor.

In the end it turns out my heart is perfectly healthy, as are my lungs. This is my brain, they said, and they let me know that if they tried calling a neurologist to the hospital I’d be waiting until I dropped dead of old age. At least that made me laugh. When I got out I felt the sun on my skin, which is nearly impossible to tolerate now. My body hates it, I get dizzy and itchy immediately. It felt nice for a moment before my system reminded me that we don’t like it. I ripped my vape sitting on the ground under cover as I waited for my ride. My one act of rebellion, aside from the occasional hard drugs and binge drinking. How could I not? What’s it gonna do, kill me? Ha

my own body is trying to suffocate me. I haven’t been able to play darts in a few weeks. I fainted today and barely missed cracking my head on the dresser. I’m filled with terror. When I wake and it’s cold my hands lock up, curled inward like I’m making a fist. My nails have turned paper white and my lunula have disappeared. I get infections so easily now that I feel trapped in my home.

the doctor who was working on my case tried absolutely everything to find a diagnosis for me. This past visit she was very quiet and eventually told me that this is out of her specialty, that I need a neurologist. She wrote me a referral and uploaded it to my portal.

“assess for MS” was the note left. My heart dropped into my stomach and I felt myself almost dry heave. Why the fuck is this happening to me? I then researched and wouldn’t ya know, I fit it to a T. I know I have brain damage due to extensive lack of oxygen to the brain when I was born. My mother tells me sometimes “you’re lucky that midwife delivered you fast because you almost came out r*tard3d” (don’t want to get flagged)

I know I have lesions in my brain where the speech aspect is handled, hence the lifelong stutter. It has been so bad lately because not knowing for sure whats disabling you is obviously…well, similar to slowly eating yourself bite by bite

and in true schmemily fashion, I fall apart. Never strong enough to stand on my own two legs. I’ve done it many times, but I’ve never done it without destroying myself in the process because my anxiety won’t stop

I feel at times like my stomach is just consuming itself as I sit trying so hard to think happy thoughts. I wonder if I’m dying, and if I am dying will I be a fleeting memory? or

Will I be the bad chapter in nearly every life I touched?

there’s something about being very, very sick that makes you reflect on every bad decision you’ve made that screwed you along the way. That hurt people. That kept you from the dreams you hold in your heart even if they’re not so realistic anymore

all I ever wanted was a loving husband, to give that husband children of our own, and to have a safe place that was all ours. I feel that I’ve chased security for so many years, making any choice I felt would get me closer to it, that I threw all my best years to the wind

if I find out I’m dying, I can’t lie, it’s game over. I’ll likely try those iv droogs that turn people into zombies on the streets. Fuck it, right? I’ve always been self defeating even before my body betrayed me, but when I have nothing to lose I so strongly fear what I will do

whatever I do, I can’t Kurt cobain it. That man had nads of steel. Or sorrow so strong it swallowed him while. Or perhaps a combination of both. Maybe jumping off the Portland bridge after the iv droogs is the way

I’m so so so so a shell of who I was before. I still look like me but I don’t feel like me. I don’t feel like fighting anymore. But I won’t give in now. Instead I’ll self medicate and listen to all the music that calms my soul

Music is to suffering what a good doctor is to someone like me. If I didn’t have it I fear I’d already have hit the streets looking for a score. Or ran my suv off the bridge. Who knows

all I know is that I’m so terrified I can barely sleep, the lack of sleep makes my body upset, and when my body is upset my mental is even more upset.

I’m terrified and I’m pretty close to having nothing to lose anymore.

I’d read back on this blog and fondly remember the lives I have lived. The people I have loved, even the ones who were cruel. The chapters of my life that brought me joy.

I’m so glad my father isn’t alive to see me this way. I fear it would break his heart and he had enough heartbreak during his time.

I’d give anything just to hear him call me Emmy again.