Early English Gone Wrong

“Why is that, pray tell? Because it is rare?”

“Wouldst though tell me of all I must not do if I wish the wretched bears of the sea to come not near?”

“Indeed, good Squidward. Firstly, thou mustn’t play thy clarinet.”

“Yea, I will not.”

“Furthermore, thou mustn’t wave thy torch about, for torches are their natural prey.”

“’Tis terrible. Surely you just.”

“Thou must also never swagger about, else they take that as a challenge.”

“Aye, such monstrous things.”

“The eating of cheese is forbidden.”

“Pray, sliced or cubed?”

“*whispering” Cubed. Thou may eat it sliced.”

“I prithee, continue.”

“Never wear the shoes of a jester, nor the skirt of a noble woman.”

“Thou must certainly never wear an inquisitor’s hat in a foolish manner.”

“An above all else, thou must certainly never shriek as though thou were an ape!”

“Lo, ’tis astounding how many things the beasts detest.”

“Aye, they are a horror of Hell’s fieriest pit.”

“Why, methinks we be in grave danger of a sudden.”

“Pray tell, why is that, good Squidward?”

“Good marrow, sweet fellow. Thou hast dropped thy purse.”

“Alas, I recognize it not.”

“But dear sir, I have just seen thee drop it.”

“Nay, ’tis not mine.”

“But soft, ’tis surely yours. I am come, a good Christian, to return it to you.”

“Return thee what to who?”

*facepalm*

“Art thou Patrick of house Star?”

“Aye.”

“And is this not thy token of identification?”

“Indeed.”

“I happened upon this token of identification upon my appraisal of this purse. Be it so, then surely as I live and breath, this must be thy purse.”

“Verily, thou speakest wisely.”

“Then wilt thou take it?”

“What is thy will, good Patrick.”

“Let us with speed depart.”

“Alack, yon door is barred. I fear the only way out is through… the cursed perfume department.”