you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love

"Hey! James! Over here!" Rebecca’s voice can be heard from somewhere in the distance, pulling Bucky from his thoughts. The airport was bustling with activity, people rushing to catch their flights or make it home. Bucky maneuvers through the crowd, his suitcase in tow, scanning faces at the arrivals bay until he finally spots his sister. Only half a year has gone by since he's last seen her, and yet she looks different, more grown up if that's even possible. It makes his chest squeeze slightly with the uncomfortable reality of this being one of many things he misses while he's gone.

"Hey Becs," his greeting comes in the form of a smothering hug, the kind only big brother's know how to give. She whines dramatically about him ruining the sign she made for him, pushing at his chest. He looks down at the piece of poster paper squished between them and chuckles. It's a small cheesy welcome home sign, clearly written in haste as most of the letters are wonky and the glitter thrown at it looks half-assed. He pulls away, grabbing it from her hands and smoothening it out before giving it back, "See, all better." She rolls her eyes, slapping at his arm and grumbling under her breath, "You big buffoon, learn to be more careful." Bucky barks out a laugh in response that only serves to annoy his sister more. Oh, how he's missed this.

He ignores her protests as he slings an arm around her shoulders, pushing them past the crowd of people in the direction of the elevators. "Folks didn't come?" He asks her as they get in and she shakes her head, pressing the button labeled L2, "Ma wanted to stay home and cook you up something nice for tonight. She's driving us all crazy making sure everything's perfect for you." Bucky frowns, and Becca looks at him like she's said too much, "Everything?"

The elevator doors open and they step out. "Yeah, you know how Ma gets about her cooking," Rebecca replies, waving her hand in the air like it's no big deal. He decides it's best not to press the issue, it's just dinner after all.

The conversation changes as they make their way to her car. Rebecca catches his up on her life post graduation. She talks about her new job in the city over, the apartment she's renting with a couple roommates, the coworker she doesn't get along with, how she still visits their parents on the weekends and oh, how can she forget to mention how ridiculously in love her roommates are with his teammate and friend, Steve Rogers.

"You have to get me tickets when you go back. I don't think they'll forgive me if I don't give them a chance to meet him," she mentions, and he hums in response, not fully paying attention as he places his suitcase in the backseat. But it's not like she has anything to worry about, her little sister privileges always win over Bucky in the end.

"Let me drive," he offers, closing the backseat door. Rebecca looks at him like he just asked her something atrocious. "Absolutely not. My car, I drive. Now get in," she orders, not hearing him out at all and getting into the driver's seat. Bucky is too tired to argue, so he heads over to the passenger seat and reluctantly buckles in. But as she's pulling out of the parking lot he realizes, there's something, no, someone she hasn't mentioned at all.

Bucky says your name out loud, pretty as always, but foreign on his tongue as he hasn't heard it anywhere, but in his head for years. Rebecca's body goes rigid, and he doesn't notice at first as he asks, "How's she doing?" He knows he has no right to ask. He knows he has no right to pry into your life or know anything about you now, but he can't help it. He needs to know. Maybe if he knows that insistent thrum beneath his ribcage will finally go away.

Rebecca stares straight ahead at the traffic on the road like it's the most interesting thing she's seen in a long time, exhaling apprehensively, "I don't know."

Well that's shocking.

"You don't know?" Bucky echoes, face pulling in a frown of disbelief. Rebecca's hold on the steering tightens ever so slightly, clearly uncomfortable with the topic of conversation being you. "Yeah, I don't know. We haven't been friends for years. Why would I keep up with her?" At that revelation, Bucky can practically feel the way his eyes bulge out of their sockets, a dreadful feeling creeping in to his system.

"Wait—hold on. You haven't been friends with her for years? When did that happen?" He's trying his best to wrap his head around it all. His brain picking out every memory from the last few years, holidays and birthdays he attended and not once did anyone mention you and his sister no longer being friends. Well, no one mentioned you at all, and your absence was felt, but he thought your absence had to do with what happened between you and him, not what apparently happened between you and Becca.

"Years ago," she replies simply.

"Becca."

"What? You asked, I answered."

Bucky stays silent, staring at his sister expectantly. She glances at him briefly, biting the inside of her lip knowing her brother is too stubborn to not keep pushing for more answers. "We stopped being friends after our first year of college. Things were already rocky when we started, but… I don't know we drifted apart—things happened." Her response was vague, like it took effort to reach into the past and look for a proper explanation.

"Things?" He couldn't help, but keep pushing.

Rebecca sighs, "Yeah, things. New friends, boyfriends, different schedules—look, it was a lot of things, but mainly she changed. A lot."

"What do you mean she changed?"

She rolls her eyes, Bucky evidently having pushed her too much, "God, what's with all the questions? Why do you even care?"

The truth is on the tip of his tongue, but he's too much of a coward to let it out. "I don't know, maybe because the three of us were best friends from the moment you two were put in the same kindergarten class. Because we were basically like family to each other."

"Yeah, well, that's in the past now."

The sadness in her voice tugs at Bucky's heart, watching her slump in her seat. It's obvious she wants the conversation to end, retreating into herself the way that she is. Whatever happened between you still weighs heavy on her heart. Whatever Bucky hoped to learn about you upon his return will have to wait. He thought his sister would be the one to give him answers, but all she managed to do was raise more questions.

Bucky turns to face the window, deciding it's best to not bring you up anymore. Rebecca's shoulders relax at that, reaching over to turn on the radio so the music can fill the tense silence. He closes his eyes, trying to focus on the music, but nothing can stop his thoughts from drifting to things he's been avoiding.

When he first decided to take a longer break than he usually gives himself, it was to give himself a chance to figure out what comes next. Racing professionally had always been his dream, but once he achieved it, he felt lost on the after. His racing career took off when he was young, too young to understand when something takes off so fast and bigger than himself, some people get left behind in the dust.

For years, his racing career was overwhelming in the best way. Making a name for himself, proving he was good enough, was all he strived for. His parents and sister had always been supportive, even when certain family members gave their unwanted opinions on how he'd never make it, certain he'd fail. And even though they only got to see him during the holidays or when he flew them out to one of his competitions, his parents and Rebecca cheered him on every step of the way. Promotions, sponsorships, media events, touring—it took up all his time for over half a decade.

But when he finally has made a name for himself, when he finally has the fame, the recognition, when he always wins… what's the next big thing he has to look forward to?

That question brought him back here, back home. Feeling lost on his purpose and fulfillment in life made him come back to where it all started. But being back here brings him back to you. And back to the biggest regret of his entire life.

Beyond the window of the car, the streets stretch out into something more familiar. They pass his old high school, the local bakery his mother used to send him to get fresh bread every week, the street that leads to his father's office, the corner store where your first boyfriend used to work, a sleazy guy he remembers punching the hell out of in that very corner for breaking your heart. They pass a park that's been here for ages, the rusty almost rundown playground evidence of its lack of maintenance, but all the years of usage. He remembers taking you and Becca there all the time when you were kids. Chasing you two with his friends around the playground, or pushing you on the wings just a little harder every time to hear you laugh harder. Every inch of this town were where his roots were founded on and surely it must have the answers to what he's looking for.

It takes another fifteen minutes before Becca pulls into the driveway of their childhood home, a cozy light blue two story building with his mother's meticulously cared for flower beds with blue and pink hydrangeas proudly displayed in the front. There's more cars on the street than he last remembered, but he guesses the number neighbors must have grown since the last time he's been here. It wouldn't be the only thing that's changed since then.

Bucky steps out of the car, wondering if maybe he has a chance to take a nap before dinner. He vaguely listens to his sister ramble on about their mother's plans for tonight as he opens the backseat door to get his suitcase. Becca is whining about how they'll probably have to play Yahtzee for the millionth time, when he gathers his things and follows behind her.

His sister walks to the side of the house, confusing Bucky until she explains. "Gotta use the side door, the front's stuck again." Right. At least that's another thing that stayed consistent. No matter how many times his father or Bucky put in the effort to fix the door, it somehow always managed to get stuck. And his father was always too stubborn to replace it no matter how many time his mother asked him to. Stubbornness seems to run in the family.

They step into the backyard, and Bucky was halfway through making an amused comment about his father not fixing that damn door when a loud cacophony of the word surprise startles him. When Becca had mentioned the word everything earlier, when it came to what their parents had prepared for him, what she meant was a welcome party. Various family members and friends of the family were all gathered to welcome him home at least forty people. Tables were set up in neat rows decorated with blue race car table covers to match the balloons tied to each ends. Blue pennant banners were strewn from tree to tree, and whatever his parents were cooking at the grill had his stomach growling like he hadn't eaten in weeks.

So much for hoping to take a nap.

Bucky is touched by the effort his family put in to welcome him home. Although, from the moment he stepped into the backyard he isn't left alone. His mother comes over to engulf him in a hug that is larger than life itself. His father gives him a welcoming hug too before insisting he needs to sit down and eat. Bucky lost count on how many cousins, uncles, aunts, family friends, and others came up to him to welcome him home, hugging him, patting him on the back, and passing him around from greeting to greeting. Once he finally gets a moment to sit down his parents pile up enough cheeseburgers on his plate to stuff him full for a whole week.

The celebrations are enough to keep his mind off of other things for awhile. Between savoring some home cooked food, sharing stories and catching up his cousins on his adventures, and being pulled into a game of dodgeball, he barely has time to think of anything else. And yet, every so often, his eyes drift to different sections of the party as if they were searching for something. He could lie to himself about not what, but who he was searching for. Someone he foolishly hoped would be hear despite what he was told.

By the time the sun starts to set in the sky, Bucky can feel his energy deplete to a point where he can no longer hide it. It's an exhaustion that goes beyond having to evade dodgeballs to the face. Things have started to settle and everyone's migrated to their own corner of the yard depending on whether they wanted to keep playing games, relax by the bonfire, or eat leftovers. He spots his mother at the grill heating up leftovers and he makes his way over to her.

"Need some help, Ma?" He asks, grabbing one of the tongs not waiting for her answer. His mother shakes her head, "I got it, hun. You go back to having fun." She tries to get him back to the party, but at that Bucky shakes his head, scrunching his face up with a clear I don't want to look. His mother laughs at his expression and then instructs him to help out with the burger patties. She starts asking him about his travel here and how he's been liking his party, little things and start conversation. Bucky's giving her simple answers when he looks out at the guests one more time, biting on his bottom lip absentmindedly. His mother can tell he's distracted, and more than that. It seems like she knows exactly what's going on in his head.

"She wasn't invited," she starts, causing Bucky to whip his head in her direction, eyes wide like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing as she continues, "It's not like your dad and I didn't want to, but your sister was against it."

"What?" Bucky sounds and looks dumbfounded, and his mother can only respond with a short exhale. She says your name, and Bucky's heart races and breaks all in one. "How did you—?"

"You can't hide things from your mother, James," his mother interjects as if it were obvious. He gaze locks with his mother's for a moment, and there's something close to pity in them. She's right. He was never one to lie to his mother, much less be able to.

A defeated sigh slips past his lips, "Is it stupid I thought she'd be here?" His mother prepares another leftover plate as she responds, "No, not at all," she hands the plate to one of his younger cousins who scurries off with it. "She wouldn't have come if she had been invited anyway."

Bucky clears his throat, suddenly feeling like there's something stuck in it. "Why not?" His mother gives him a look, like she has something to say, but no explanation for it. "I talk to her mom every so often, maybe once a month. She's told me they barely have any contact with her. No one really knows where she is."

"What? And no one's gone looking for her?" Bucky can't believe what he's hearing. His question has no short of worry in it, and he doesn't bother to hide it. The thought of you being out there somewhere and no one knowing—no one even bothering to look—it didn't sit right with him. It settles within him as well as poison would.

His mother's lips draw into a thin line, a somber look in her eyes. "I'm sure they've tried. I know her parents have, but it's not easy when your kids shut you out. Especially when they're in trouble." Bucky's heart sinks, "Trouble? What trouble?" His mother starts preparing another plate, like she needs something to do, "I'm not sure, hun. Her parents don't know and even your sister hasn't been forthcoming with the way things ended between them. All I know is she got mixed in with the wrong crowd and ended up dropping out of college. The last time I saw her was when Becca found out and they had a screaming match over it. I don't think I've ever seen your sister so angry…"

Out of all the thing Bucky could have been preparing himself to hear about you from his mother, none of this would have ever come close. There's something sickly brewing in his stomach and he thinks if he hears another word of your apparent disappearance, he'll spill his dinner all over the grill.

His mother can tell something is off, so she promptly sends him to bed. He wants to protest until he realizes he burned the burger patty he had been reheating and agrees some rest would be for the best. His mother gives him a goodnight hug and he presses a gentle kiss to the top of her head. Everyone at the gathering is still preoccupied with their own things, so Bucky forgoes any farewells and instead slips inside the house without anyone noticing. Every step up the stairs and toward his childhood bedroom feels heavier than the last.

When he enters his room, there's an appreciative smile that appears on his face when he realizes not much has changed in here either. He can tell his mother has changed the sheets and installed one of those little air freshener devices in preparation for his coming home. And besides his suitcase in the corner, which he still has to thank his father for bringing it up for him, everything else is exactly the same. Which isn't saying much since he's always kept his room simple the older he got. A few racing posters on his walls, shelves decorated with knickknacks, a bookcase filled with books he has yet to revisit, there's not much besides that.

He strips out of his clothes lazily just wanting to get into bed already, when his eyes stray to his desk. He knows why they did. He knows what he'll find when he looks. And yet, he walks over to it anyway, feeling the lump in his throat grow when he sees it's been left untouched. Above his desk on the wall there's a bulletin board frozen in time to the last time he ever used it. He has pictures pinned all across it, happy memories from his childhood with you with him in almost all of them. Every birthday card and letter you ever wrote him is pinned on the board too. Anything you ever gave him he saved and treasured down to the smallest thing. Even to the four leaf clover you once found, gently tucking it between tape for safe keeping. Giving it to him as a good luck charm, promising him it would help him win every race he ever dreamed up as long as he kept it close.

He keeps it in his wallet to this day.

Bucky blinks away the tears he can feel forming in the corner of his eyes. He finds himself more than upset now, maybe even bordering on an anxious frustration as he wills himself to look away. He hastily strips out of his clothes and climbs into his bed, hoping that his mind can quiet once he's bundled up in it. But of course that's not the case. All he can think about now is you. Why would you disappear? Why would you leave and tell no one? Why does no one know where you are? Why did you and Becca get into a big fight and stop being friends?

And why does he feel like it's all his fault?

As he drifts off into a restless slumber, there's a final image that haunts him. It's you. Holding back tears as you look at him with the kind of ire he deserved, but never excepted he would ever have caused you.

That image takes him back to where it all ended.

It happened at his parent's lake house, the summer after his sophomore year of college concluded. The summer you and Becca graduated high school, and had to adjust transitioning into adulthood and newfound independence. Your families had thrown a big graduation party for the two of you, but it was a little too family friendly for Bucky's liking. So without telling his parents, a couple weeks later, he threw a massive party at his parent's lake house in celebration of you two.

You had always held a special place in Bucky's heart, there was no denying that. Whether you or Bucky acknowledged it was another thing entirely. Your friendship with Bucky was just as deeply bonded as yours and Rebecca's, but it was different in its own way. Somehow you found yourself being more vulnerable with Bucky about your fears of the future, about school and life. There were times you wanted to appear strong or dependable to Becca when she was going through a rough patch, and yet Bucky was always able to crumble down your walls almost as if those walls didn't exist when it came to him. From patching up a cut on your knee you'd gotten when you were six while playing hopscotch, to holding you close and soothing you when you cried over your first boyfriend breaking your heart—Bucky had always been there for you. The trust between you ran deep, deep in a way that felt rooted in something tied to your souls.

Perhaps that's what always frightened him about acting on his feelings. If he ever told you how he truly felt, that he loved you in ways that went far beyond just friends, and you didn't feel the same or it didn't work out—he'd lose you for good. And the thought of that, he couldn't even imagine it. Not having you in his life. He honestly thought he'd never survive that.

Nothing was supposed to happen that night. He kept his drinks to a minimum, not wanting to get drunk so he could watch over the party guests. He threw it without his parents knowledge or permission, the last thing he needed was to have an accident happen that he couldn't explain away. You hadn't been drinking much, if at all, either. Mingling throughout the party a little lost since Becca had been hanging out with her boyfriend at the time. Bucky shouldn't have gone over to you when you were standing in the corner by yourself, but he did. He shouldn't have invited you to dance, but he wanted to so badly, so he did.

But he should've known things would end in more than a dance. Having you so close, your body pressed against his, touching him, all over him—it drove him crazy. Careful touches at your hips and waist turned into greedy handfuls that couldn't be satisfied despite the lack of distance. It lead to you two kissing for the first time, desperate and inevitable. And that one kiss led to two then three, until the two of you stumbled up the stairs, not being able to keep your hands or lips off of each other as you made your way to Bucky's bedroom. It led to Bucky caging you underneath him on his bed, kissing you senselessly until the heat between you became too much and you slept together for the first time.

The next morning, you were tucked into his side with his arms wrapped around you, holding you tight to his chest like it would hurt him to let you go. You looked so peaceful in your sleep, beautiful as the morning sunlight blanketed your form. Bucky didn't want to get up, but he knew he had to survey whatever potential damage was leftover from the party and possibly kick out anyone who overstayed their welcome. He kissed your forehead, whispering a promise of not taking too long before slipping on a pair of sweatpants. He groaned inwardly as he made his way downstairs, hoping the damage wasn't too bad. But a quick survey of the house settled his worry. Every room was trashed, but at least nothing seemed broken or irreparably stained. When Bucky made his way back to the living room he noticed Sam, his closest friend, stirring awake on the crouch.

"You crashed on the couch?" Bucky eyed his friend weirdly, he hated sleeping on couches. Sam yawned, stretching dramatically, "Yeah, figured you'd need help cleaning up."

"Aw, aren't you sweet."

"Shut up."

Sam threw a pillow at Bucky's head, which he dodged at the last second. Sam sat up on the couch, scratching the back of his head like he was still trying to come to, "Saw you two go up to your room last night. Congrats on finally getting the guts to make a move—thought you'd never do it. I can hear the bells already," Sam teased, humming out the tune for 'here comes the bride' while wiggling his brows at Bucky suggestively. Bucky can't remember why, can't understand why, but he panicked in that moment. The image of you in a wedding dress and saying I do freaked him out so badly because for the first time it dawned on him that's something that he wanted. But you were both still so young, with so much life and experiences to love ahead of you. He knew he was getting ahead of himself. He didn't even know if you liked him like he loved you.

Fuck, he's in love with you.

Bucky tried to play it cool. Tried to ignore the way his heart squeezed uncomfortably with the truth. He shook his head, playing it down, "Nah, it… it was just an itch I had to scratch. Nothing more. Just something I needed to get out of my system…" Sam was not amused by his lies, painfully seeing through them, "Bullshit. You and I both know you're hopelessly in love with that girl." Bucky's mouth opened to deny it, but another hard look from Sam had him crumbling.

"I know I know. And I think I messed everything up." Bucky slumped on the couch next to Sam, a devastated look on his face. Sam definitely was judging him. "You did not mess anything up, Buck."

"No I did. I wanted to do this the right way, ask her out on a date. Treat her right, like she deserves to be. Show her what she means to me—" A couch pillow hit Bucky square in the face, stopping him mid sentence. "Buck, you're spiraling, stop it. You didn't mess anything up. Trust me, just go up there and tell her how you feel."

Bucky rubbed at his face, soothing it from the hit, "But what if she doesn't feel the same?" Sam looked like he was two seconds from throwing another pillow, "I'm starting to think those engine fumes have caused you to go stupid or blind. Buck, that girl is so in love with you."

For a brief moment, Bucky dared to hope that Sam was right. That you do feel the same. That you'd want it to work out between you as much as he does. But then the image of you in a wedding dress flashed across his mind again, and that unrelenting voice in his head made him doubt everything once more. A voice that strangely sounded like his uncles. His father's brothers who constantly let him know how his racing career would never work out. How he'll never make good enough money and he'll just disappoint his parents. How he should just play it safe, smart. Become an accountant like his father and get rid of those silly childhood dreams because his parents didn't give up everything for him just to go "play racer." Scolding him like a child to stop being so ungrateful with his parents and get a proper job so he can take care of them like they took care of him. Voices of people who were supposed to love and encourage him and instead reminded him everyday that he wasn't good enough to ever achieve his dreams.

And if he wasn't good enough for his dreams, then he certainly wasn't good enough for you.

"Even if she is," Bucky swallowed hard, the words feeling bitter on his tongue, "even if we are, she deserves so much more than what I can give her right now."

"Buck."

"No, I mean it. Her life's just starting Sam. She's going to her dream college, finally getting away from this town like she's always wanted to," Bucky shook his head, like admitting his fears cost him something, "I'm pursuing something I don't even know will work out. And if it doesn't… I don't want to drag her into that. I don't want to drag her into my failures."

Sam sighed, feeling for his friend, "You're not going to fail, Buck. And even if you do—loves so much more than the good times. It's being there despite what happens, despite the obstacles." Bucky mulls over his friend's words knowing there's some truth to them. But, unfortunately, the voice in the back of his mind refused to let him go.

"Yeah, but loves also about walking away when the timing isn't right."

"Not when, if. You don't know which one it is yet."

With those last words, Bucky managed to find the courage to go back up those steps and back to you. With his heart on his sleeve, his hopes in the palm of your hands, and his blood pumping a mile a minute. But when he opened the door to his room, you were already making your way out of it. Eyes wide and teary when they narrowed on him.

"Hey, baby, hey," he reached out to cup your face, "What's wrong?" You flinched back from his hold like his hands were made of ice, his heart stopped. "Nothing. I'm fine," you bite out, clearly holding back. He stood his ground, "You know you've never been able to lie to me, come on tell me what's wrong." He pleaded, feeling distressed at your change in attitude.

"Nothing is wrong, just let me through already," you tried pushing past him, but his arm shot out between you and the doorway. "No. Not until we talk. Not until you tells me what's going on." He tried to get you to look at him, but your eyes were on everything but him.

"Bucky—" He cut you off by saying your name in a way that sounded somewhere between utter devotion and utter devastation. You sighed, broken and like you had something caught in your throat. "There's nothing we have to talk about, nothing important anyway."

Now that stung. Bucky would have preferred you slapping him across the face instead.

"What? So did last night mean nothing to you?" Bucky didn't stop the anger that was seeping through his hurt. You looked like you didn't know what to say or did and just didn't want to, "That's not what I said. And it doesn't matter what I think of it anyway. You got what you wanted." Bucky stared at you, scoffing in offense, "I got what I wanted? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You know what I mean," you said with a finality that caused him to panic. You tried evading his arm by ducking below it. But he was faster than you and stopped you from getting past him. He was frustrated by your vagueness and confused on what you tried telling him without really telling him anything. This was a complete switch up from last night and he didn't know how to handle it.

"Look, I don't know where this is coming from, but just listen to me, sweetheart. I know I can't… I know I'm not," He ran his free hand through his hair, frustrated that he couldn't put his vulnerabilities into words, "My career's just starting. There's big opportunities ahead of me and I know I'm not guaranteed success. I'm not thinking of…I don't want to make any mistakes—" That last word, he should've never used that word. Because you didn't even let him finish when something between a cynical laugh and broken sob came out of you. "I get it. I was a mistake."

Bucky was quick in his attempt to shut that accusation down, "No! No! Absolutely not, that is not what I said," you tried to squeeze past him again, but this time he held onto your arm, "Would you please just listen to me?" You pushed at his chest, hard enough to hurt, the ire in your eyes and tone made his blood run cold. "Don't touch me." There was something close to hatred in your voice and that had him stunned, frozen in place. He was so stunned he could only watch you walk away to the guest bedroom. By the time he came to on what happened, he ran to chase after you only to have you slam the door right in his face. And no matter how hard he knocked, how long he waited, how much he pleaded into the wooden oak for you to talk to him, you never responded.

He was heartbroken beyond what you could every imagine. He couldn't understand where everything went wrong and why you were so upset. He wanted to talk to you, but he also knew he needed to give you space to cool down. He figured at some point in the day he'd be able to get you aside for a private conversation and clear things up.

He was wrong.

That small glimpse of you before the door slammed in his face was the last time he saw you for the next six whole years.

Reliving that moment in his dream was so vivid it startles him awake. Chest heaving, and face covered in sweat as the memory of that regretful morning resurfaces. Thinking back to the way you looked at him, to the way you spoke to him—it's enough to rip his heart to pieces all over again.

Even after all these years he still doesn't understand what happened back then, what had you so upset. At first he thought it was over his slip up and using that damn word, mistake. But thinking back on that moment throughout the years, he realized you had been upset before that. Something happened between falling asleep that night and him going up those stairs the next morning to confess to you that had set you off. And to this day he hasn't figured out what it was. The absence of you in his life, the hollow cavity losing you left in his chest—that's all he's really come to understand.

Bucky is surrounded by the darkness of his room, the crescent moon in the sky not providing much light to filter in through the window. His room suddenly feels stuffy, and the ache in his chest seems like it's going nowhere any time soon, so he gets up and decides to take a hot shower. Hoping maybe that can help him relax. He's in and out before he knows it, careful to not make too much noise in the hallway as to not wake his parents or his sister in case she stayed for the night. Thankfully, the bathroom's right across the hall from him, so there's not much noise he can make anyway.

By the time Bucky's back in his room he catches the screen on his phone light up. He reaches for it where it lies on his nightstand, seeing he's gotten a couple recent messages. He frowns when he looks at the time, it's just past midnight. Who could be texting him at this hour?

Mini Falcon: Heard you're back in town! You do not want to miss this.

Mini Falcon: [Attachment: 1 movie]

Bucky has an idea of what he's going to find when he opens the video from his old street racing friend. When he clicks on the video, sure enough it's Joaquin showing off a car meet he's at. There's a crowd of people already forming, showing off their cars and probably figuring out who's going to race tonight. He plays the video a few times, reminiscing on his street racing days, and a little envious at how nice some of the cars have gotten. God, there's no amount of money he wouldn't have bet to get a chance to race against some of those machines.

On one of his rewinds, he spots someone in the background that catches his eye. No, not someone, not just anyone.

It's you.

Bucky's jaw drop comically, pausing the video and hating how pixelated it looks when he zooms in, but even through the blurriness he swears that's you. An older you for sure, but it's still you nonetheless. He's recognize you anywhere. You're laughing with a brunette and a blonde, he thinks maybe they're you're friends.

But what the hell are you doing there? Since when are you involved in the street racing scene?

Bucky's mind is working a mile a minute, but if that is you—which he sure it is—he can't miss this opportunity to see you. Especially not after finding out no one knows where you are. If he's found you, then he's taking the chance to bring you home.

Bucky texts Joaquin back asking for the location of the car meet. He's scrambling to look decent, throwing open his suitcase and putting on the first outfit he finds, a matching pair of black sweatpants and hoodie, topping it off with a jean jacket and cap for good measure.

When he looks at his phone again Joaquin's sent him the location of the car meet, and when he puts it in his phone's maps it shows it's being held at an abandoned industrial complex in the next town, over thirty minutes away. With his skills he knows he can get there in half the time, so he wastes no more in getting ready and heading out the door. Extremely grateful that his father kept up with the maintence of his first car, a modified Honda Civic, and he has something of his own to get him there.

Just as he thought, he's able to get to the meet in half the expected time. He vaguely remembers racing here once or twice, which means he also remembers how it's one of the easier spots to get caught at because of the parameters of the race. He decides to park his car a few blocks away, hidden and tucked into a parking lot, a large patch of overgrown foliage and trees obstructing the view of it to anyone passing by. He makes his way over to the car meet on foot, locating it by the booming music echoing throughout the abandoned walls of the complex.

And yet, despite the music and all the engine revving getting louder as he approaches, he can still hear Joaquin's laugh above all that.

When Joaquin spots Bucky, he excitedly waves him over to where he's resting on the hood of what Bucky assumes is his car. "Bucky, man you made it!" They greet each other with one of those hand clasping, one armed embraces that guys do. "Yeah, after seeing the video you sent I knew I couldn't miss it." Bucky responds, making Joaquin grin, "Told you," he points to the guy next to him, "This is my friend Bob. Bob this is Bucky thee legendary Bullet." The man standing next to Joaquin turns to Bucky impressed, his doe eyes wide in awe as they greet each other. Bucky shakes his head, side eyeing Joaquin as if saying 'he's exaggerating'.

"He used to win all the races back in the day, he set all the records," Joaquin adds.

Bucky was going to say something when Bob beat him to it, "All the records Blitz beat?"

"Blitz?" Bucky inquires, not remembering that name in the roster of racers he knew back when he was racing here. Joaquin nods to the car positioned in the middle of the lineup race, a gorgeous blue Nissan GT-R Bucky's sure has been tuned up like hell. "That's what they call her. She's part of Rumlow's crew."

That catches Bucky's attention, "Rumlow's got a crew now?"

Joaquin hums in confirmation, "A few years back he got into a nasty car wreck. Car went up in flames and fucked up his body. He can't race now, so he got a crew to do that and his dirty work for him."

"Dirty work?"

Joaquin shrugs, "Don't know much about it. I just know he imports illegal parts from overseas to modify his cars, but I stay out of whatever they got going on."Bucky makes a clicking noise with his tongue, feeling sorry for any unlucky bastard that got stuck working for Rumlow.

"His crew hard to beat?" Bucky can't help but ask, reminiscing on all the times he beat Rumlow in a race. If his crews anything like him, then they're probably not that good. Bob is the one who answers his question, "Nope. Blitz is the best racer he's got. When he wants a certified win he has her race." Bucky takes that information in. If at any point he wanted to relive his street racing days, then it seems Blitz is the one to beat.

The three of them chat for another while. Bucky learns that Bob races too—for a team called the Thunderbolts—although he's still pretty new at it, so there's much he has to learn. Bucky offers to teach Bob a few things while he's in town and Bob seems more than eager to learn from him. Joaquin and Bob try to catch Bucky up on all the new faces in the racing scene, but it's too many names at once for him to really take anything in. Once the race starts, Bucky excuses himself from them, pretending like he saw someone he wanted to go catch up with so he could step away.

In reality, he's going back to concentrate on what he really came for. To find you.

He weaves through the crowds of people gathered, being careful not to bump into any of the showcase vehicles. As much as his eyes want to stray to admire them, he keeps his mind focused on you. He pays close attention to every single face he passes, hope blooming and then dying in his chest when he walks past someone that looks like you. When he circles back to where he started he's distraught at the realization that he might've missed you.

He goes back to Joaquin feeling dejected and like he has to start all over again with something he never really started. Bob is no longer standing with Joaquin, and Bucky barely catches the finish of the race. As expected by what he was told, Blitz comes in first with Yelena, one of Bob's teammates he pointed out to Bucky earlier, coming in a close second. He can't remember the names of the other races and quite frankly he doesn't care. They're not why he came here.

Although, even though Bucky only got a glimpse of how the race finished and a bit of the start, he's seen enough to know that whoever is racing for Rumlow is good—really good. Blitz drives like the car she's in is an extension of her body and she knows how to get it to do exactly what she wants it to. She's got the kind of control he's only seen with a handful of drivers. Him being one of them.

He finds it impressive.

Blitz's car door opens, and there's a small part of him that's anticipating putting a face to the name. And when Blitz steps out of the car, he finds himself receiving the shock of a lifetime for the second time that night.

You are the one to step out of the car.

You are Blitz.

That means, you're the one who's part of Rumlow's crew.

Shit.

What the fuck have you gotten yourself into?

Bucky is convinced this has to be a dream, he's rubbing the hell out of his eyes in hopes that it is. But it's not. You're standing by your car with a self-satisfied smile on your face as you're handed the winnings of the race. Yelena steps out of her car and heads toward you with a giant grin, congratulating you on your win. It's clear you two are friends. You look every part of belonging here and he doesn't know what to do with that.

Bucky clears his throat, bumping Joaquin's shoulder, "Hey, is that..?" He can't even finish the sentence, but Joaquin doesn't need him to as he follows the direction Bucky is looking in. "Blitz? Yeah, that's her." Joaquin's confirmation only makes the pit in Bucky's stomach grow. "And you said she's part of Rumlow's crew?"

Joaquin nods, not understanding the weight of what Bucky is asking. "Yeah, I don't know much about what else she does for him, but she's his main racer. Any time he wants a guaranteed win he sends her." Bucky's scared to know, but he has to ask, "And when you mention that Rumlow's got some shady business going on, how shady are we talking?"

"Class B felonies dude," Joaquin says it like it's gossip and not the worst news he could've possibly given Bucky. At his silence, Joaquin gives Bucky a look over. "Are you good? Bro, you look like you're about to spill your guts—literally." Joaquin steps back a bit just in case Bucky does.

"I know her."

"Who?"

"Blitz." He says your real name after. The name he knows you by, the name he knew you by.

"Oh shit." Joaquin doesn't know what to say. Not with Bucky looking like he's seen a ghost. "Look, dude, she's friends with Yelena and Kate, they're good friends of mine and I know they're always looking out for her. I'm sure she's okay. Maybe Rumlow's only got her racing, not in his other shit." Joaquin attempts to comfort Bucky, but it doesn't seem like what he said did at all.

"Yeah, maybe…"

"Are you gonna go talk to her or just stare at her with your mouth open?" Joaquin teases, trying to lighten the mood. Bucky shuts his mouth and glares at Joaquin causing him to laugh. Bucky roles his eyes at him, Joaquin might've grown up, but he's still like that annoying little brother he remembers. He won't tell him, but Bucky is a grateful to have that unchanged connection to his old friend.

Joaquin's words might've not done much to comfort Bucky, but his teasing was enough to give Bucky the push to walk away from him and toward you. Joaquin whistles to cheer Bucky on, throwing some words his way that resemble good luck. Bucky shakes his head, wondering how crazy you're going to think he is for finding you here.

Every step closer Bucky is to you throws his nerves into high gear. You've already gotten your car and yourself away from the concrete race track. Somewhere over by the corner where a cluster of smaller buildings and a smaller group of people were in. He really doesn't know what to expect once he finally reaches you, or what he'll say, but he knows he can't leave without trying.

The moment you spot him approaching time seems to freeze, your eyes widening and your lips parting like you can't believe what your eyes are seeing. But just as fast as the shock hits your face, you mask it with indifference, but the iciness in your gaze is something he feels penetrate down to his bones.

He sees the door slamming in his face again. The look you gave him the last time he saw you, staring at him through the closing door like he had reached into your chest and snatched your heart right out of its cavity. And now? Now, you were glowering at him like you would put a bullet through his head and not bat an eye. Eyes looking at him with such a disdain it makes him feel physically ill.

When he finally reaches you, Bucky can only come up with one word, "Hey." He says lamely, quietly like there's an obstruction in his throat. You blink at him, crossing your arms as your friends at your side give him wary glances.

"You." Is all you say back, the word coming out almost like an accusation. Bucky grimaces, but he knows he deserves that so he tries to stay calm. He doesn't say anything else, but he glances at Yelena and who he guesses is Kate next to you, before his eyes find yours again, feeling a bit awkward at involving anyone else in your conversation.

You sigh, taking the hint, turning to your friends to ask them for a bit of space. The girls don't look happy about it, but they listen to you. Kate doesn't spare him another glance while Yelena makes sure to give him one hard glare, acting like she'd break his arm if you asked her to.

He really hopes you don't.

"Please, don't look at me like that," he finds himself saying, to which you barely react to. There's clearly a wall you've built between you, one he doesn't know how to lower for the first time in his life.

"Like what."

"Like I'm the last person you'd wanna see here."

"Well," you shrug like that's enough of an answer. Bucky takes a tentative step closer to you, making you tense up. Your reaction makes something break inside him. He steps back, feeling too many emotions all at once. A frustration at you running away, fear at you working for Rumlow, disheartened at the way you're acting like he's a stranger—confusion over everything that has and hasn't happened in the last six years. It all accumulates the second he has you this close again.

"What the hell are you even doing here?" He didn't mean for the question to come out as harsh as it did. "Excuse me? What the hell are you doing here?" You throw the question back at him with bit of venom in your tone. He elects to ignore it.

"Looking for you," he replies honestly. And that catches you off guard, he can see it written all over your face. "A friend invited me to come watch the race, sent me a video and everything. I saw you in the background of it and I thought I was seeing things. But I had to come see for myself only to find out that not only are you a racer, but you're racing for fucking Rumlow of all people. What the hell is that about?"

You wave him off, "It's none of your concern." He says your name like you're testing his patience. "It's not," you reiterate, rolling your eyes and leaning on the hood of your car, “It’s not even that big of a deal.” 

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Bucky growls out with something deeper than frustration, debating on whether or not he should just drag your ass back home instead of trying to reason with you. You stare at him like you could bite his head off. "I haven't seen you in years and all of a sudden you want to show up here and act like you're looking out for me? Fuck off, Bucky," you raise your voice at him, your own anger increasing by the minute. Bucky's arms shoot out in exasperation, tired of you twisting his actions and words into something negative, "I am looking out for you! I did all my life and that care doesn't just go away because I left for some time."

"Six years," you correct him, the heaviness of all the time apart settling between you like a wound that hasn't healed. He swallows hard, letting out a shaky breath, "Doesn't matter, sweetheart. I thought about you all the damn time during those years. I cared about you then, and I care about you now."

You don't believe him, scoffing, "I'm sure you do." He doesn't know how to get through to you. Feeling as though his efforts are going nowhere. "I'm serious. I've been thinking about you all damn day since I got here—its been driving me crazy. Especially after Becca told me you two stopped being friends. What happened there?"

"It's none of your business," you're quick to say—too quick.

He says your name again, but this time in a plea, but you're done talking. "I'm serious, Bucky, fuck off. None of this is of your concern, none of this is your business. Leave me alone."

"No."

Before you can even start ripping him a new one, the music is cut off. Someone's voice can be heard yelling, warning everyone to get the hell out as the cops are on their way. Bucky doesn't hesitate, having through this same scenario many times before. You don't even see it coming, how fast he swipes the keys from your hand, rushing over to the driver's side of your car.

"Get in the car," he urges, and you're smart enough not to argue with him over this. He can tell you're biting your tongue as you get in the passenger's side of the car, not at all happy with him being the driver. Bucky turns on the ignition and speeds out of the industrial complex while others still scramble to get into their cars and do the same. He doesn't drive in the same direction as everyone else. Making a swift u-turn in the opposite direction everyone else is going. He ignores your protests directing him on which way to go and drives the car in the direction he left his. You don't know what he's doing until he ends up back in the secluded parking lot, parking right next to his car. There's no doubt you recognize it, having been in it more times than he can count. He shuts off the engine, making everything go quiet. There's only one streetlight working, the light flickering every so often making it even harder to see the cars past the foliage. If anyone were to drive by at this time of night, there's absolutely no chance you'd be seen.

The tension in the car is palpable, thick with everything left there is to say between you. Bucky's holding his breath like even his breathing could set you off at any moment.

"You can get out now," you say after a painfully long silence. "Not until we talk," Bucky sees the way the word spark that anger in you again. "I don't want to talk." Bucky shrugs, leaning back in the seat like he's got at all night to go back and forth, "That's too damn bad, 'cause I'm not leaving until we do." He pockets your keys in the chest pocket of his jacket, not giving you a chance to take them back.

"You're fucking unbelievable," you growl out, getting out of the car and slamming the door closed. You practically stomp your way to the other side, yanking the driver door open. "Get out," you grind out through gritted teeth.

"Don't want to."

"James."

You used his first name, clearly he's pushing you past your limits, and truthfully he doesn't want that. He just wants you to talk to him, that's all he wants. He wants to get to the bottom of whats going on with you in hopes he can help you in some way. So he gets out of the car, slower than you'd like him to, stepping to the side to give you enough room to look inside and notice your keys are missing.

"Barnes, give me my keys."

"Not until we talk."

"Are you serious?

"Deadly."

You let the door shut, before holding out your hand expectantly, ignoring his request. "Bucky give me back the keys, the car isn't mine. I have to take it back to Rumlow." Bucky's worry only grows at your words, "Why are you working for him? How did you get involved with him?"

"It's a long story."

"I got time."

"Well I don't."

You're at a stand still, neither of you willing to budge. But in the interest of moving things along, you're the first to break. "My ex got me into this mess alright? Now I gotta get myself out of it. It's that simple," you explain, but Bucky isn't satisfied with just that. "What mess?"

You take a deep breath before confessing, eyes lowering to the ground, "I dated Rumlow's cousin for about a year. I didn't know they were cousins back then, and I didn't know about the family business. He swiped some money from Rumlow and then disappeared. Since I was the girlfriend, Rumlow made me responsible for paying off the money my ex stole." At the revelation of your predicament, of you being taken advantage of, Bucky has to take a deep breath and reign in his anger before he takes his car over to Rumlow's and finishes off what the car wreck didn't.

"How much?" He's apprehensive to ask, but he needs to know. You shrug, "I don't know the exact amount. I just know it's in the six figures." Bucky's heart drops, blood running cold with dread, "Fuck, sweetheart," a beat passes as his head wraps around the amount of debt Rumlow's put you in, "How much do you have left to pay off?" You shrug again, "I don't know, Rumlow adds interest every time I race with one of his cars or some other bullshit reason. I don't think he's gonna let me go any time soon." His jaw clenches so tight, you'd think he's about to break a tooth.

"Let me go with you, let me talk to him," he says it not like he's asking you, but like he's letting you know in advance you're not doing this alone. You shake your head, refusing, "No, absolutely not."

"He knows me. I used to race against him all the time. Stop being so goddamn stubborn and let me help you." They weren't friends by any means, but there had always been a mutual respect between them.

"I don't want your help. I don't need your help." You deny, but Bucky isn't having any of that. "Yes you do. Look at you. You run away from home, you drop out of college, no one knows where you are, and Rumlow's got you racing and doing his dirty work." You bristle at being reminded of your situation. Like if it were the first time anyone's said it out loud and addressed it head on with you.

"And why do you give a fuck? I'm not your responsibility, Bucky," you spit out, making Bucky feel like he's back to square one with you. But this time, you've ran through the last of his patience. "Fuck, this isn't about that! I give a fuck because I care! I give a fuck because despite all these years you still mean everything to me! Because the thought of anything happening to you would actually kill me." His admission causes you to lock eyes with him and within yours he can see something is cracking, he's getting through to you.

"Shut up, and go," you whisper out the words weakly, but he shakes his head, "No. I'm not leaving you. Not again," he cups your face, brushing away a stray tear from your cheek, "I don't fully understand why you ran, although I can take a pretty good guess its got to do with that piece of shit…," a horrifying thought strikes him, "Is he threatening you?"

You tense in his hold, "Bucky drop it."

"He is, isn't he?"

Your silence is the only confirmation he needs.

A few things finally start connecting for him, "That's why your parents don't know where you are, why you barley contact them. Is he also why you and Becca stopped being friends?" The mention of Becca has you stepping out of grasp, his hands falling reluctantly to his sides, "Becca and I stopped being friends before that. So you don't have to worry about her being mixed up in this mess."

"So why did you? Is it because of us? Because of what happened between us?" He doesn't think he's ready for the answer. But he should know better by now that answers from you don't come easily.

"Nothing happened between us."

"No, don't brush it off like it meant nothing."

"Well I wouldn't be the first to do that."

There you go again being vague and cryptic—and sounding accusatory toward him when he doesn't even know what he did. "Are you saying that because of the whole mistake thing? You don't even know what I was actually going to say. You didn't even let me finish what I wanted to say back then. Not before you stormed out of my room and slammed that door in my face. Before you blocked me on everything and I couldn't even reach out to talk to you."

His grievances don't seem to move you, "Seems like you still haven't gotten the hint." Bucky doesn't know how many more of your dismissals he can take, so he decides to leave it all out in the open once and for all. "No I haven't, and I won't because I was so hopelessly in love with you and you left my room like what happened between us meant nothing to you. You left and took my heart with you. And now that I have it back I have some things I want to say to you."

His confession throws you off balance, stumbling over your own footing as you take a step back. But he's not letting you get away this time, he's saying his peace like it's the last time you two might ever speak. "That night scared the absolute shit out of me. Because it was the first time in my life I felt as alive as I do when I'm behind the wheel. The thought of you feeling the same way I did brought that out in me and I didn't know how to handle it, and that's on me."

"Bucky, please stop."

He doesn't.

"That morning, I was trying to tell you that deep down I knew I wasn't good enough for you. I was still getting my shit together, still trying to prove myself to people who didn't give a damn about me. But on the off chance that you felt the same way, I would've dropped everything for you. I would've pursued something that would've had me better off, something close to home, close to you. I would've done what I could to help you pursue your dreams and—" this time you don't cut him off with words, but with your lips crashing against his, hard and with purpose. Knocking the cap right off his head. He's taken by surprise, but when your lips press harder, insistent on not being ignored, he kiss you back. His hands landing at your waist to keep him grounded to you.

You pull away slightly out of breath, "I just wanted you to shut up," you tease, and Bucky takes in a shaky breath staring down at your lips like he wants another taste, "You wanna shut me up again?" You don't hesitate to take the invitation, kissing him again with a passion bordering on hunger. You're stumbling backwards, pulling him in as he's crashing full force into you, lips parting to let him fully in. You're making out, your back pressed against his car, as you pull sounds out from each other that echo in the night air. He takes a moment to tell you this conversation isn't over, but you quickly shush him with another kiss. The heat between you is growing quickly, and it's no surprise when you find yourselves stumbling into the backseat of his car to take things further.

The door shuts behind you with a soft click, his body hovering over yours. One of his knees slots between your legs, deliberately pressing on your core causing you to whine. You can feel the way you've soaked through your panties and tights already. He helps you take off your leather jacket and matching shorts, and he can't help himself as he tears away at your tights, making you gasp. "Bucky, what the—" He kisses you, mumbling into your lips, "I'll buy you as many new pairs as you want, sweetheart." His answer seems to quell your annoyance for now.

His hand reaches down to rub you through your panties, finding out just how soaked you are for him. He grins wolfishly into the kiss, "Fuck, baby. Didn't know fighting with me would turn you on so much." His tease is met with a slap to his bicep, which only makes him press harder along your slit making you cry out. He kisses your lips one last time, trailing featherlight kisses to cheek and jaw, all the way down to your neck where he nips at the skin. His fingers brush upwards toward your sensitive bundle of nerves to continue his ministrations there.

You only let him have his way for a few more seconds before you're pushing impatiently at his chest. He's already dazed by just a few kisses from you, so when you tell him to sit back he listens without putting up a fight. He sits back in the seat, watching you with something close to devotion as you go to straddle his lap, bracketing his thick thighs with your legs. You strip him of his jean jacket and hoodie, throwing it on the car floor somewhere, raking your nails down his chest with just enough pressure to make him bite down on his lip, looking like he's moments away from coming undone.

You start to grind on him, making a mess of his sweatpants, but he doesn't care, it feels too good to care. His cock twitches beneath you and with the way you smirk at him he knows you felt it. You're making him go crazy, drunk on you, and you're living for every second of it.

One hand snakes it's way beneath your white tee to palm at your breasts, while the other grips your hip to press you down on him harder. A deep groan leaves his chest, and it mingles with your own as you crash your lips to his again, biting down on his bottom lip hard enough to make him whine. Your hips continue their grinding motion, leaving you both breathing heavily enough to start fogging up the windows of the car. One of your hands finds the back of his head and tugs at his hair, pulling his attention long enough to slip your other hands into his sweats, giving him a teasing squeeze that his seems stars with how hard he's holding back from coming undone so embarrassingly soon.

"Oh, fuck," a deep groan rumbles with his chest when you squeeze him again, "Wait, baby, I can't. I don't got a condom on me," he grabs your wrist to stop you, "Just let me make you feel good okay? Let tonight be all about you." He tries to coax you, his hand leaving your wrist to bring the attention back to your cunt when you swat his hand away. He pouts, confused as he watches you pull your white tee off and reach into your bra to grab a condom out it.

His eyes narrow at you, "Why the hell do you have that there?"

You huff, the jealousy in his tone not getting past you, "Don't ask what you don't wanna know, Barnes."

Whether or not he wants to pry into that detail, you don't let him. Making his breath catch in his throat as you tear the condom wrapper with your teeth—an action he found incredibly hot.

He takes himself out of his sweats, squeezing the base of his cock to get himself under control. He's already leaking as you hastily roll the condom down his length. You're getting yourself into position when he stops you. Your gazes meet, a questioning look in your eyes. "You sure about this? We can stop if you're not. It's okay." He assures you, needing you to confirm you really want this. When you realize what he's asking, you smile at him. Taking his lips in a softer kiss, one that conveys how sure you are of this happening. "I'm sure, Bucky. I want this."

That's all Bucky needed to hear.

He rubs your folds through your panties a few more times before his fingers hook into the fabric of your panties and push them to the side. He helps guide himself inside you as you lower yourself down on him, inch by inch. "Baby, you're squeezing the hell outta me—fuck," he curses under his breath, urging you to take it slow. He hasn't told you, but it's been a long time since it's been anything other than his hand and him. And he feels every bit of that longing as your walls squeeze him tighter the more of him you take.

"Sweetheart, you gotta give me a minute. I can't. I don't want this to end so soon," he's pleading with you, breathing heavily as the need to thrust up into you gets harder to restrain. You cup his face, making sure he's staring right into your eyes as you lower yourself completely. His breath his hot against your mouth as he gasps, the sound turn into a moan the second you start riding him. Not giving him any time to adjust as if this were your way of getting payback for the way he pushed your buttons all night.

"Fuck, you feel so good," he grits out, guiding your hips with his hands to move you in ways that have you both moaning out for each other. Your arms wrap around his shoulders, pulling him in for a makeout that's all tongue and teeth—messy and passionate all in one. Breathing each other in like the only source of air you need can be found within each other. And that's when Bucky feels it again, his heart soaring with how right this feels, just like the first time you slept together.

"I missed you, I—" he mumbles into your lips, but when you pick up your pace, he forgets what he was going to say. You've got him pussy drunk and wrapped around your finger—right where he wants to be.

He can tell he won't last much longer at this pace, and he needs you to come before he does. His hand goes to where you're connected, pressing circles onto your clit in the way he knows you like, making you mewl. "That's it baby, you're doing so good for me, pretty girl." His other hand grips you tighter, keeping you steady as he starts fucking up into you, meeting your hips. You whine at how deep he's going, one of your hands shooting out to the fogged up glass like that'll help anchor you. He can feel how close you are, so he doubles down, fucking up into you harder and increasing the pressure on your clit. "Come on, baby, give it to me. Let go, sweetheart, I got you," he whispers affectionately and wrecked, bringing you in for another kiss that undoes you. You come hard, crying out his name, and he follows suit, coming harder than he has in years. You got him seeing stars with the way your cunt squeezes him for all he's got.

You're both panting in the aftermath, his head resting against the backseat as he tries to catch his breath. Your head drops onto his shoulder, his hand gently rubbing at your back to help you with the aftershocks of your coupling. He kisses your temple reverently, whispering soft praises and sweet nothings as you both come down from your highs. For a few minutes, the car is quiet with a tranquility Bucky wasn't sure you two would ever get to again.

Your head rises from his shoulder, moments later, a dopey smile on your face. He laughs fondly, his hand rising to stroke your cheek affectionately, "You're so beautiful." He doesn't know if it's what he says or the way he said it, but your smile no longer reaches your eyes. It makes his heart squeeze in his chest uncomfortably.

"Everything okay?" He's looking you over to make sure you're okay, fearing he might've been a little rough with you. You clear your throat, wincing, "Yeah, it's just—I'm feeling a bit sure already." His eyes widen at that and he apologizes right away, helping you gently off of him as you both wince, sensitive at the disconnection.

You start redressing yourself, confusing him, but he didn't question you. He had hoped you two could stay together a little longer in the backseat, talk a few things out and just enjoy this pocket of happiness you had granted each other. But whatever spell you two were under seemed to be broken. And faster than Bucky could process it, you were already dressed and getting out of his car. He scrambled to clean himself up with what he had at his disposal, tucking himself back in his sweats and hastily slipping on his hoodie just as he heard the engine to your car turn on.

He gets out of his car, rushing over to you and knocking on the window for you to lower it. You do, staring at him in a way that he can't read, but it makes him uneasy nonetheless.

"You're leaving already?" Bucky can't hide the disappointment in his tone. You sigh, picking at a nonexistent thread on your jacket to keep your eyes somewhere that isn't on him. "I told you I have to return the car to Rumlow, it's not mine. He's got trackers on all his cars, so I have to return it before he comes looking for it."

"I can go with—"

"No, you'd only make things worse for me, okay? It's best if you just stay out of this."

He can't accept that, leaving you to deal with this on your own. Especially after being the only one who knows exactly how much trouble you're in. "I dont know how to help you, but I want to. Maybe I can't help, but maybe I can find someone who can."

"No, Bucky, just drop it," your tone made it clear you weren't budging from this. And maybe he couldn't make you budge on this now, but later, later he could fully convince you to let him help. "Fine, I will—for now. But, there's still some stuff I want to talk about," you give him a look and he's quick to dispel your apprehension, "Not now, I know you have to go. But later I'd like to have a proper talk. About us."

Something about you changes in this moment. Bucky can almost see it in the way you straighten up in the driver's seat, in the way your eyes glaze over with something deeply broken crawling it's way to the surface. Something meant to hurt him just as badly as he once hurt you.

"Us? Bucky, there is no us. Tonight… you were just an itch I had to scratch. Something I had to get out of my system, so thanks for that," your voice doesn't sound like your own when you say that. It sounds distant and cold, like you're trying your best to keep yourself together. However, the way in which you said certain things rings alarms bells inside his head. He's barley able to stutter out a reply when you pull back and drive off, leaving him in the dust of the engine fumes.

Those words. He's heard them before, but not from you, no, from his own mouth. He's replayed those words time and time again in his mind for the last six years. The things he once said to Sam way back then when he stupidly was trying to deny how he felt about you. You used those exact words against him tonight. It dawns on him, horrifically, that you heard him say that back then. Your anger and frustration—the heartbreak of that morning. It came from you thinking you weren't anything, but a one night stand for him.

And now youd done the same thing to him, as if trying to make things even. Maybe you had.

Bucky slumps against his car, sliding down it until he hits the floor. Pieces of a puzzle he could never solve slowly start clicking together until he gets a better picture of what happened. He had messed everything up like he feared he would. And it wasn't something he had done, it was something he had said. He wanted to kick himself for ever saying those things. If you were still angry at him all these years later, then you must have not heard the rest of the conversation. You only heard the part that broke your heart and made you hate him all this time.

Was there ever a possibility you would forgive him?

Could you forgive him?

Bucky doesn't know the answers to those questions, but what he does know is that he won't find out unless he tries to earn it.

a/n Well my darling barbies, you now have a choice to make. If you decide to not forgive Bucky, then your story ends here. If you decide to give him a second chance, then you're in luck! A part two is already in the works. Once again, comments and reblogs are so appreciated! ♡♡♡

"That it?" Your challenge doesn't even shake him. You're eyeing him with half amusement and half skepticism. Had he not heard you right?

"There's no way you actually think you can make that, Bobby." He simply shrugs at your words, nodding like hitting the bullseye on a dart board with his eyes closed is a walk in the park. He let's out the smallest hiccup before taking another sip of his whiskey, slightly swaying in his stance.

Oh yeah, he's definitely inching his way further from just being tipsy.

This is going to be fun.

You cross your arms, purposefully taking your time sizing your best friend up. You don't miss the way his face flushes at your concentrated attention, pretty brown eyes widening ever so slightly. You bite the inside of your lip, trying not to show him how much you're enjoying flustering him.

"Alright, but if you miss," you start, pausing for a moment to think. "You have to go and sing a song on the piano in front of everyone—à la Rooster style." You laugh when his eyes immediately go wider, face scrunching as he cringes at the mere thought of having to sing in front of everyone. He can't sing to save his life, let alone play the piano. Karaoke nights with the dagger squad have proven that time and time again. There's no way in hell he's missing that target.

He downs the rest of his drink—liquid courage or something like that—catching you off guard. You really thought the addition of a punishment would get him to back down immediately. But when you search his face, you can see it, the way he's running through possibilities and other thoughts in his head. He's having a whole conversation with himself, looking over at the dart board and glaring at it like it holds all the answers.

He's glaring at it for a good minute before he turns back to you. Brown eyes just a shade darker—intense and vulnerable all in one. Your breath gets caught in your throat, lips parting as you watch the vulnerability melt into something that could only be described as affection.

"Fine, but if I make it, I get a kiss," his proposal almost makes you drop your drink, heart stuttering to a brief stop. Taking you by surprise in a way Bob has never done before. Sure, he's had his fair share of bold or brazen moments—drunk and sober. But not like this. Never like this with you.

You clear your throat, trying to play it off as a laugh. "If you want a kiss from me, Bobby, you don't have to cheat at some dart game to get it," you playfully tease, trying to play it smooth, casual. But underneath the casual flirting, your heart is thumping so loudly against your ribcage you're certain Bob can hear it. Your crush on your best friend fighting to break through it's suppression where it's been caged for years.

And the worst part? Bob is looking at you, no, through you like he knows exactly what's going on in your mind right now. Like he can hear it, see it—catch every micro expression and shift in your body to read you like a book he only knows the language to.

Whatever he's thinking at the moment, he doesn't say. He doesn't mention how the airs shifted between you. How the tension tonight feels different than it has other nights. That even though you've playfully flirted before to get a reaction out of each other, it's never been like this. Something about tonight feels different, and not in a bad way. Maybe in a way it was always meant to be.

"Just watch," is what he says instead, taking off his glasses and hanging them on the collar of his uniform. The dart feels heavier in his palm—he knows exactly why. The dart board a few feet ahead of him is exactly in the same position it has been for years, probably since the Hard Deck first opened. He's probably thrown at least a hundred darts in total from this same spot. He should be able to rely on muscle memory alone to make the shot.

He closes his eyes, right hand slowly raising to take aim. For extra precaution, you make your way over and cover his eyes with the palm of your hands. He huffs out a chuckle, and you can feel the way he rolls his eyes at your action. You tilt your head to peak beyond him and get a clear view of the target. You know it's practically impossible for him to make it.

He raises his hand again, moving it in the air in a calculated way, like he knows what he's doing. But there's just no way he does, I mean surely he's just doing this for show. A way to prolong the anticipation before the inevitable failure hits.

The minute stretches out into what feels like hours and you're just about to tell him to just take the shot when the dart goes flying across the room—hitting the bullseye.

You gasp, hands falling to his shoulders in shock as you register that he actually got a bullseye. That's confirmation enough for him to know he got it, sliding his glasses back on to see for himself. He's grinning from ear to ear, beaming with something more than just pride. And when he turns to face you, catching the absolute awe and surprise on your face, his features soften.

"So about that kiss..." he starts, voice slightly wavering like he's about to give you an out. But you don't let him. You don't even let him finish his sentence because hey, a bet is a bet, and if this is the only way you'll ever get to kiss the man you've been in love with for so long, than so be it. So you do before you can overthink this, and pull him into you by his collar, crashing his lips onto yours. He freezes for just a second, his brain short circuiting trying to catch up to the reality of you kissing him. And when it does he completely melts into you, hands finding your waist, pulling you closer until you're flush against him. The action causing you to let out the prettiest little sigh that pushes him to deepen the kiss.

He kisses you like you're his, like now that he's gotten a taste of you he's never letting go. Greedy for your attention, affection—greedy for you. And you're no better off, your hands finding their way into his perfectly styled hair, fingers tugging slightly until it elicits a groan out of him that you greedily swallow right up.

When you pull away you're both breathless. His glasses are a little lopsided and bit fogged up, an endearing grin on his face that makes you want to kiss him all over again. And with the way he won't stop staring at your lips, you believe you're not alone in that.

"Told you I'd make it," his smile won't go away, his cheeky tone making you roll your eyes. "Shut up and—" this time he interrupts you, "Kiss you again? Gladly, sweetheart." He finishes your sentence before connecting your lips again, this time gentler, sweeter. Wanting to send the kind of message that this is more than a one time thing, that this means more to him than he's ever expressed.

You know there's so much you two need to talk about after this. But for right now, you'll enjoy the moment for what it is. Your first kiss with a man you so deeply love.

a/n: Once again, comments and reblogs are so appreciated my lovelies! ♡♡♡

Your face is pressed against the pillow, hands gripping the sheets on either side of it like a lifeline, silent screams of pleasure between attempts at catching your breath fill the air. A few whines slip through, but it's mainly a string of incoherent babbles that causes Jake to double his efforts as he brings you to your third orgasm of the night.

How ever did you find yourself here?

It started in the early hours of the morning. While you and Jake were making breakfast, your mind wandered to a video you saw the night before. A silly prank from one of those couple pages, one where a girl decided to call her boyfriend her friend all day to film his reactions. You thought the way he reacted was cute, and it made you wonder how Jake would react. You weren't sure if you even wanted to go through with it though, it just seemed so silly. But you must have been thinking about it too much because it eventually slipped out all on its own.

“Could you open this for me?” You held out a mason jar of your favorite jam in his direction, struggling to open it. Jake turned to you, stopping his pancake flipping to help you out.

“Sure, sweetheart," he easily popped it open, "Here.” 

“Thanks, buddy. You’re the best.” 

Jake’s brows pinch, freezing for a second, seemingly mulling over your words before brushing them off. There was a small speaker on the kitchen counter shuffling through a mix of his and your favorite songs. The music was low enough to not be obnoxious, but loud enough to drown out some noise. Surely, that must have caused him to mishear you. 

You definitely said baby, not buddy. 

Jake pays no mind to whatever he thought he heard—which isn't exactly the reaction you were looking for. Before you can do anything about it, however, he gently grabs your wrist to pull you into his chest. He starts swaying to the music, hands sliding to your hips to guide you to the rhythm. He's singing along to the lyrics, some cheesy love song, causing you to smile despite yourself. The way he looks at you is no short of a man hopelessly in love.

After such a sweet morning, did you have the heart to continue your silly little prank?

Yes.

Yes you did.

When Jake comes back home from deployment, a part of him looks forward to running errands with you. It might seem strange, but domesticity is a breath of fresh air for him. The grocery shopping, visits to the post office or stops at the bank—hell even retail shopping. He looks forward to all of that with you because it's a small yet integral part of your lives that is now intertwined, and he likes that.

And after a morning that stretched into the afternoon of running errands with you, there's nothing more he'd love than a coffee.

Jake pulls up to the drive thru of a local coffee chain, one you two frequent often. He knows your order by heart and easily recites it along with his own, before he pulls up to the window to pay. You think back to this morning and the same idea pops into your head. You don't say anything at first, not until he hands you your drink.

"Aw, you remembered my order, thanks pal."

The usual smile Jake wears around you falls off his face. This time Jake definitely heard you. The radio was on way too low for him to give you that excuse. 

“I’m not your pal, darlin'," he says coolly, drinking a bit of his coffee as he pulls away from the drive thru. He's trying to play it nonchalant, but you can tell by the way his jaw ticks, he knows you're up to something.

You smile at him innocently. “But you are, you're my best bud," you reply sweetly, taking a sip of your own drink as you watch him side eye you. He's still playing it calm and collected, but you know you're starting to get under his skin. The way he's swirling his drink in his hand like he's trying to process what you're saying says as much.

“You’re pal, huh?” He says it like he's giving you a chance to rectify yourself. His expression is slightly hidden under his sunglasses, and by the way he hasn't taken his eyes off the road. But you'd kill to see the look in his eyes right now.

“Mhm," you hum out simply, studying him for any kind of response. He doesn't give you one though, just nodding thoughtfully as he lowers his cup into the cup holder. That same hand, cold from his drink, snakes its way onto your thigh, exposed by the shorts you're wearing. The icy touch causes you to hiss lowly, eyes darting to the gesture and missing the way the corner of his mouth twitches in response.

He gives your thigh a slight squeeze, voice low in warning, “You do know I could get you off right here, right now, right?”

You hate the way he says it so casual like getting you off is a walk in the park for him. Which it is, but that's not the point right now. You also hate the way your body instantly reacts to him, fidgeting in your seat as your mind runs through examples of exactly how he could do it. And he catches it instantly, smirking and giving your thigh another squeeze with a bit more pressure to tease you.

Maybe he thinks by flustering you he can get you to back down or stop, but with this development in his reactions, it only makes you wonder how far you can push it—push him.

This just means the next time you choose to continue your prank has to be strategic. Enough time to make him feel safe before you throw it on him again. So for now, you'll play it safe, make him feel like you're conceding—like he's won.

You lift his hand from your thigh, intertwining your fingers and bringing it up to kiss your joined hands, almost like a silent apology. His smirk melts into a softer smile, giving you the sign that he's taken the bait. He gives your hand a gentle squeeze as if saying 'it's alright'.

Now to get him when he least expects it.

It happens at dinner. You're sitting across from each other having light conversation when it hits you. You haven't thanked Jake for cooking dinner yet.

“Thanks for cooking dinner, bud. I really appreciate it.” 

He stops chewing, sea green eyes looking up from his plate to shoot you an unamused look, "Sweetheart…"

“What?”

His lips form a thin line, “Don’t play coy, you know what.” 

“I don’t know what you're talking about,” you dismiss him before changing the subject. He blinks, eyes narrowing warily at the way you switched between topics so quickly. There's no way you're done just yet. You're not. In fact, you only let the conversation go on for another five minutes before you try him again.

“Could you please pass me the dressing, pal?” 

That does it.

“Darlin’, I don’t think a pal would have done what I did last night,” he reminds you, taking his time with his next bite of food to keep himself composed. Oh, he shouldn't have said that.

“Mm, I don't know,” you bite on your bottom lip to stop the smile that threatens to show itself, “I’ve been with a few buddies that do that, so…”

Jake’s fork clatters as it drops onto his plate. 

You shouldn’t have said that. 

He leans back slowly against his chair, dinner long forgotten in front of him. His gaze travels your form, like a predator seizing up his prey. His eyes darken with heat and warning as he all but dares you, "Say that again."

A shiver of anticipation and nerves runs up your spine, more electrifying than anything. You've come this far to back down now.

“I said that I've been with a few buddies that—" He doesn't let you finish. In seconds he's up and striding toward you. When you're within reach he's hauling you over his shoulder like some barbarian. You shriek, flailing in his hold as he takes you away, yet your heart stutters with a giddiness you can't ignore.

“Jake! What are you doing?” You try to wiggle out of his grasp, but he's got a tight hold on you. You barely register you're in your shared bedroom when you're tossed onto the bed. You gawk at him, but all he does is grin at you like you have no idea what's coming for you. “Reminding you exactly who I am to you."

Instantly he cages you beneath him, your rebuttal dying in your throat as he kisses you deep and feverish. That kiss a first sign of many that his patience is running thin. He wastes no time in stripping you of your clothes with expert precision, tossing them haphazardly around the room. His hands grasp at every inch of skin they can reach greedily, while yours get lost in his hair, tugging just enough to pull a deep groan from his chest.

“You and your little games," he nips at your bottom lip, shaking his head, "you enjoy riling me up too much.” It's not long before you feel the brush of his fingers against your core causing your lips to part in a needy gasp. He smirks against your mouth, feeling for himself how wet you've gotten for him. He traces a line up and down your slit with just enough pressure to have you stirring underneath him. "Not so talkative now, are we darlin'?" He mocks you with the smugness of a man who knows he's got you right where he wants you. You curse out his name which only serves to amuse him more. His lips connect with yours again, kissing you harder until its all tongue and teeth. One hand cradles the back of your head to keep the kisses deep while the other stays at your cunt. His thumb circles your clit, desperate little moans slip from your lips, and Jake greedily swallows every single one. He's kissing you like he wants to steal all the breath from your lungs until all you're breathing in is him.

It's not until your lungs beg for oxygen that he pulls away. He grins in satisfaction at your kiss swollen lips, but even more so at the way you practically whine at the loss of him. He gives you one quick chaste kiss before he starts traveling down your body. Every press of his mouth to your skin, every devout touch of his hands leave an ardent heat in its wake. Each one is full of a possessive reverence, one that only a man who knows and loves you entirely could give. It's enough to placate you until he reaches the place where you need him most.

When his mouth finally presses against your core, it's slow and torturous. He hikes up your legs, placing them over his shoulders to trap himself between your thighs—exactly where he wants to be. His tongue flicks slowly, lapping lazily, taking his sweet time exploring your cunt as if he doesn't already know every inch of it. Like he doesn't know exactly how you like it and in turn hits you in every way that leaves you wanting more.

You fist the sheets impatiently, hips bucking against his face for more friction, but the grip his hands have on your thighs holds you down. You call out his name in wanton frustration, but he elects to ignore it. His response comes in licking one long stripe up your slit until reaching your clit and mouthing at it, making your legs jerk like you're trying to get away. Jake's eyes shoot up at the action, his gaze locking with yours—dark and heady. "Stay still," he demands, voice muffled from where his lips refuse to detach themselves from your core. “I can’t—please—I can’t,” you beg in between broken breaths. You know what you're begging for, he knows what you're begging for. But he's not exactly inclined to give it to you just yet.

“Yes, you can, sweetheart. You’re always so good for me," he praises you, twisting his head ever so slightly to nip at your thigh, "Are you this good for all your pals?” That last word is said with a harsher edge, with a bit of ire at the thought of anyone else having you in the way he has. You shake your head immediately, “No! No, baby. Only you.” He hums, the vibrations against your thigh making the ache between your legs worse, “What was that?” He bites down a bit harder on your skin, clearly wanting to leave a mark. And every time you try to speak up, he bites and sucks another mark into your skin, rendering you speechless as your need hits a boiling point.

"Jake!" The way you say his name makes him pause. You're on the cusp of utter ruin in the best way and he keeps depriving you of it, and you're sick of it. He chuckles, a wolfish gleam in his eye as he decides he's toyed with you long enough. He removes his mouth from your thigh, preening at what he's left behind for you to discover tomorrow. The intensity in his stare and tone is almost too much for you, “Now darlin', you be good for me, 'cause if you don’t stop moving and I have to stop what I’m doing—you won’t be able to walk tomorrow with what I'll do to you.” You swallow hard, heart racing in your chest knowing he'd make good on that promise. So you decide to listen—for now.

It really does seem like Jake is done prolonging your punishment, as the next time his mouth connects to your cunt he goes at it harder, fervently. Alternating between suckling and fucking your core with his tongue, driven by the desperate sounds falling from your lips. Eating you out like you had starved him of this all day. Giving you exactly what you need to reach the peak he has been holding you back from getting to all this time.

“That’s it darlin’, give it to me.” You barely hear him grunt out the words as your own moans ring in your ears. You come hard, one hand reaching down to tangle in his hair like you need it to ground you from the euphoria he's taken you to. But he doesn't stop there. He continues his ministrations, helping you ride out your orgasm, and then some. Not even stopping when you tug at his hair to get him away, a deep growl falling from his lips at the mix of pain and pleasure.

Jake keeps going, pulling away for a moment only to readjust his position to allow two of his fingers to enter you. He pumps them inside you at a rhythm that drives you crazy, crying out in want. He curls them just right, hitting the spot that makes you see stars, lips sealing around your bundle of nerves and sucking hard. His free hand slides up your body to palm at your breast, stimulating you even further until you can't seem to form any thoughts. At this point, you're riding his face shamelessly, driven by pure desire.

You come a second time, covering his face in your essence. Mouth open in a silent scream of pleasure as you're positively overwhelmed by everything you're feeling. From the top of your head to the tip of your toes, you're buzzing with an all consuming bliss. Jake finally decides to take a bit of mercy on you. He laps at you softly, easing you from your climax in a gentler manner than before. Dropping whispers of praises into your skin of how good you were for him and how much he loves you.

“You made a mess, baby. Look at you,” he groans in utter want, staring at how soaked you've left his hand and sheets beneath you. He's suddenly aware at how painfully hard his dick is straining against his pants. He's honestly surprised he didn't come undone with how badly you have him worked up.

Jake's clothes suddenly start feeling stuffy, so he reluctantly removes himself from you to get rid of his shirt. Even in your post orgasm haze you find yourself shakily sitting up, hands reaching out to help him remove his belt. He chuckles in disbelief at your readiness to keep going, hooded eyes looking up at him, tempting him to go all the way. But when your hands reach for the button on his pants he stops you. You frown at him, a pout starting to form that he swipes away with a soft brush of his thumb. He cups your face with both hands, your own landing on his bare chest, golden skin beneath your finger tips as he pulls you in for another kiss.

But this time its different. It's searing, full of worship. He holds you against him like only you matter. Like you need to understand this had nothing to do with your silly little prank, and all to do with something he needed to prove.

When the kiss breaks, he's staring at you affectionately, but there's a seriousness to his gaze that pins you in place. “I’m not your buddy, bud, pal—none of that. I’m yours. And I’m gonna remind you of that all night, darlin’.” He whispers a promise full of devotion and heat before falling back onto the bed and pulling you with him. You know when Jake's determination has taken a hold of him there's nothing that can stop him.

You're about to have a long night indeed.

a/n: Once again, comments and reblogs are so appreciated my lovelies! ♡♡♡

He glanced up at you with a frown, noticing your disheveled appearance. “Are you alright?”

“You can’t go,” you said flatly, staring at him. Bradley let out a long sigh as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Guppy,” he started, “we’ve talked about this.”

“No, you’ve talked about this. You decided that I wasn’t important enough to be included in the conversation.”

“That isn’t fair,” he grumbled. “I'm doing this for us and our future.”

“You’re doing it because you can’t stand the thought of staying here another minute,” you snapped at him, causing him to shrink back into himself with a grimace. “Bradley, it will kill me to not know whether you’re safe or not.”

“I already told you-”

“Yes, I know what you said,” you groaned, running a hand through your hair. “But, I will spend every waking minute wondering whether or not you’ve been captured or killed. I will be left here to wait for you on that hill like Mother did.”

Bradley said nothing as he stared at you. His lips pressed into a thin line as he walked past you and down the hall to his room. You heard him moving around, opening and closing drawers before he came walking back towards you.

“Here,” he said, shoving the clothes into your open arms. You stared bewilderingly down at them before looking back up at him. He gestured for you to move down the hall. “Go change.”

“What?”

“Go change,” he said again, a bit more bite to his tone. You slowly moved past him and down to your room. You stripped your nightdress off and quickly began to pull on the shirt and pants he had shoved at you. You didn’t even know he still had these things. They were a little big on you, but they would do. You had just finished lacing your boots up when a knock came at the door.

“I’m decent,” you called, and Bradley swung the door open. He stared down at you, nodding with approval at how his clothes fit you. He tossed you a rucksack that you barely caught.

“Pack only what you need.”

“Bradley, what-”

“C’mon, Guppy,” he ordered, rushing around your room to pack what he thought you might need. “We don’t have a lot of time.”

“I don’t understand,” you frowned. Bradley turned to you with an incredulous expression.

“The only way you’re going to let me go,” he said like he was speaking to a child, “is if you come with me. So, you’re coming with me.”

“Women aren’t allowed on ships, Rooster.”

“Which is why you’re dressed in my hand-me-downs right now,” he rolled his eyes. “I’m getting you on that ship as a cabin boy if nothing else. Do you have everything?”

He rushed out of your room with you in tow. “Yes, I think so,” you muttered.

“Good,” he said. “I’ve already left a note for Tom. Now let’s get goin’.”

Bradley opened the front door and walked out without looking back. You moved to join him, but hesitated, resting a hand on the door jamb. You turned to take one last look at your home. It was dark, the morning light not having reached the windows yet, and it felt empty as you stood there.

“Guppy?”

You turned to look at Bradley who had stopped a few feet ahead of you. The two of you stared at one another for a moment before he reached his hand out to you. You took it, closing the door to the little cottage as you allowed him to pull you forward.

The docks were already bustling as Bradley pushed his way through the throng of fishermen, you not far behind him. He carried himself confidently, standing a couple of inches above everyone else, and waving to the familiar faces around him. You, however, did your best to hide your face with the jacket and hat Bradley had handed you. It would do you no good now to get caught trying to sneak onto a pirate ship.

“You’re late.”

You glanced up to see Captain Seresin leaning against a stack of crates, a frown pulling on his lips. A handsome, dark-skinned man watched Bradley stoically.

“Yes,” Bradley said, clearing his throat. “Sorry about that.”

“You’ll do well to remember to be on time from now on,” Jake sniffed, green eyes glancing down to where you hid behind Bradley. “Who’s this?”

“This is my younger brother,” Bradley started, moving to rest a hand on your shoulder and pull you forward for the captain to see. Jake stared at you, face unreadable as he looked you over. You stood up a little straighter, puffing your chest out. Bradley had you bind it before you left to help conceal it beneath the jacket.

“What’s your name?” he asked finally. You balked, eyes darting nervously to Bradley. How had the two of you not thought up a name? It was a careless mistake, and the longer you took to answer, the more you began to panic.

“Pete,” Bradley rushed out. Your eyes widened. “Pete Mitchell.”

“Pete Mitchell?” The dark-skinned man blinked in surprise as Jake’s eyebrows shot up. “As in the sailor who went by the name of Maverick?”

“He was my father,” you said quietly, head hanging. How did these men know your father? It didn’t make sense that these men would know him.

“You hear that, Javy?” Jake laughed. “Didn’t know the great Maverick had a kid.”

“Neither did I,” the dark-skinned man, Javy, frowned. His eyes now held a look of intrigue as they studied you. You shifted, trying to hide yourself behind Bradley as the man continued to stare down at you.

“Could be good to have him on the ship with us,” Jake mused, and Javy snorted.

“Or it could be bad luck.”

“Nonsense!” Jake cried out, grin wide. He turned his attention to you. “You got any experience sailing, lad?”

You gave another glance at Bradley who gave you a small nod of encouragment.

“No, sir,” you admitted. “But, my father taught me as much as he could before he died.”

Jake hummed, casting one last look at Javy. He looked back at you with a smirk.

“The two of you can follow my quarter master, Javy, here to your quarters.”

You moved to follow Bradley as Javy motioned for the two of you to follow him, but Jake grabbed your wrist to stop you. You looked back at him curiously, and he fixed you with a humor-filled smirk.

“Don’t go causin’ any trouble on my ship now, you hear?” He winked. Your face remained stoic, unsure of how to respond. He let go of your wrist and motioned with his head for you to follow the others. As you walked onto the ship, you glanced behind you to see a pair of twinkling green eyes still staring after you.

The thrill of finally setting sail after a lifetime of having to make due with the stories that Bradley and your father told you was unlike anything you could have imagined. The sea crashed against the underside of the ship, and the ocean spray hit your face in a fine mist. You were leaning off the side of the ship, watching as your home faded away in the distance.

“You lean any farther, and you’ll fall in.”

You jumped, nearly falling off the ship in the process. The man grabbed you quickly with a low hum of “easy” before helping you stand up straight. He was handsome, dark blue eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses, and his brown hair was pushed back off of his face.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m Bob.”

“It’s fine,” you breathed, offering him a small smile. “I shouldn’t have been leanin’ over like that. My name is Pete.”

“I heard,” he chuckled. “You’re the talk of the crew. No one knew Maverick had a son.”

“So I’ve heard,” you muttered. Before you could ask him about your father, he clapped a hand on your back, pulling you towards the hull.

“C’mon,” he grinned as the two of you walked. “Let’s go make supper for the crew, cabin boy.”

You followed him down into the dark belly of the ship, moving around crew members as they rested in their bunks. Bob led you into a back room that functioned as the galley. Bob showed you where to find the different tools you would need to prepare different meals for the crew.

“You’ll be expected to help me out with the cooking as the new cabin boy,” he explained as he grabbed ingredients for that night’s meal. You fell into easy conversation with the young man, sharing stories and laughing.

“And then the fish began wriggling, and he hollered so loud, they must have heard it clear across the Atlantic!” Bob laughed as you giggled.

“Reminds me of the time Rooster tried to catch a fish with his bare hands,” you joked, remembering how excited he had been before a rogue wave had taken him by surprise.

Bob turned to you. “What was he like?”

“Who?” you asked, slicing away at the loaf of bread in your hand. “My father?”

Bob nodded, and you paused your movements with a sigh. You stared up at the ceiling as the familiar sense of grief washed over you. “He was very kind. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like him, actually. He was a great storyteller, too. I remember when I was younger, he would sit by the fireplace next to my mother, and he would tell me stories about men who went on grand adventures off at sea. Rooster used to pretend like he wasn’t listening to the stories, but he’d always ask just as many questions as I would.”

You felt tears prickle at your lashline, and you quckly scrubbed at them. Bob gave you a sympathetic smile.

“You must really miss him,” he said softly. You gave him a watery smile.

“I am who I am today because of him,” you murmured. You jumped when the door to the galley swung open to reveal a handsome man with skin darker than Javy’s.

“Bob, is the food ready yet?” he huffed. Bob scrambled to do one last check over the food before nodding his head.

“Yeah, it’s done Reuben. We’ll bring it out in a minute,” Bob stuttered frantically, rushing to dish out the food. Reuben grunted before turning to walk back out the door.

He stopped, glancing back at Bob. “Oh, before I forget. The captain says he’s eating in his quarters tonight.”

Bob sighed. “Thanks, Reuben.”

The other man sent him a wave over his shoulder and departed without another word. Bob quickly handed you a serving dish before pushing you towards the door.

“You better go,” he murmured. “The captain doesn’t like waiting. His quarters are upstairs and the door right in front of you when you enter the hall. Knock on it when you get there.”

You gave him a nod before turning to make your way in the direction he specified. You passed several men who were gathered around the end of a large table. They all cried out at the sight of the dice that rolled out of the cup and onto the table.

“Snake eyes!”

The air turned cool as you stepped out onto the deck, the last rays of the sun disappearing beneath the horizon. You saw the multitude of stars that were already shining in the night sky, and you could just make out some of the constellations your father had taught you.

“The most important star you’ll ever need to know, little minnow,” he had whispered to you one night, guiding your eyes up to the heavens, “is Polaris, the north star. A sailor is never lost as long as they can find it. It brings me home to you, your mother, and Bradley every time I’m away.”

You stared at the shining star, heart wrenching. “You didn’t bring him home.”

You continued on, stepping into the hallway where three doors stood. You walked up to the one directly in front of you, knocking like Bob had instructed. A beat past, and the door opened to reveal Javy standing in front of you. He blinked, taking in your much smaller form.

“Cabin boy,” he greeted, eyes looking at you with intrigue still. You cleared your throat, shifting nervously from one foot to the other.

“I’ve brought the captain his supper,” you murmured, eyes looking everywhere but at the man before you. “I’m sorry, sir. We didn’t know you’d be eating here as well.”

“I’m not,” he replied, taking the serving dish carefully from you. “I’ll be joining the crew momentarily. I’ll give the captain his meal, cabin boy. You go on ahead.”

You hesitated. You weren’t sure why you did, but the sound of pained grunt from inside the cabin caught your attention. You moved to peer inside, but the quarter master blocked your view.

“That will be all, cabin boy,” he gritted out, a warning in his eyes. You nodded hesitantly before turning to slowly make your way back out onto the deck.

When you made your way back into the galley, you found that Bob had already begun to dish out some of the plates.

“Are you alright?” he asked you, seeing the pinched look on your face. You looked up at him quickly before giving him a very unconvincing smile in reassurance.

“Yes,” you said. “I thought I heard someone in pain in the captain’s cabin.”

Bob stilled for a moment before continuing his movements, humming in thought. “Was anyone there with him?”

“No,” you shook your head. “Javy was there.”

Bob breathed a breath of relief. “That’s good, then. He’ll take care of Jake, don’t you worry.”

You hummed, grabbing a plate he handed you and walking out to serve the rest of the crew.

A couple of weeks had gone by, and you were slowly falling into a routine aboard the ship. Bob kept you busy with meal preparations and stories of the different places the crew had visited during their travels. He was regaling you with one such tale as the two of you sat in the shade provided by the upper deck.

“I think you’ll like Jamaica, Pete,” Bob grinned at you.

“Why’s that?” you ask him, glancing at him sideways with a grin of your own.

“It’s great over there! The beaches are beautiful, and the food is amazing!”

“Personally,” drawled a deep voice, “I think Pete here would be more of a New Orleans fan.”

The two of you looked up to see Jake leaning against a barrel, and both of you scrambled to stand up.

“Captain,” you greeted, and Jake raised an eyebrow at you.

“I see you’ve been working hard.”

“We were just taking a break, Jake,” Bob muttered. Jake hummed at him before gesturing towards the hull.

“Why don’t you go finish preparing for tonight’s meal?”

Bob sighed, moving to obey the captain’s orders with you following.

“Not you, cabin boy,” Jake called after you with a smirk. You stopped, casting Bob a worried glance, but he gave you a smile in encouragement.

“I’ll see you down there,” he whispered to you. “Don’t let him scare you, okay? His bark is worse than his bite.”

“I heard that,” Jake groused. Bob chuckled before patting you gently on the shoulder and continuing on his way. You turned around to face the blond man who was watching you with a twinkle in his eye that you couldn’t place.

“What is it you need from me, Captain?” you asked him, hands folded behind your back. Jake’s smirk grew.

“No need to be so formal, cabin boy,” he chuckled. “You might as well call me Jake. Everyone else around here does.”

“I’ll call you ‘Jake’ when you call me ‘Pete,’” you shoot back at him, clamping your mouth shut as Jake let out a booming laugh, throwing his head back in glee.

“Any other captain would have had you flogged, cabin boy,” he grinned at you. “But lucky for you, I’m not them. Go on and help Bob with the food, and tell him to stop griping at the lack of supplies. We’ll be docking at Port Royal in the morning.”

You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. You turned to walk away, but Jake called after you.

“Oh, cabin boy?”

You turned to look at him.

“I never properly welcomed you that day,” he smirked, eyes shining. You frowned at him in confusion. Pushing up off the barrel, he strutted along the deck towards the stairs that led up to the upper deck. Pausing, he glanced over his shoulder.

“Welcome aboard the Hangman.”

“You can’t go,” you said flatly, staring at him. Bradley let out a long sigh as he ran a hand through his hair. “Guppy,” he started, “we’ve talked about this.” “No, you’ve talked about this. You decided that I wasn’t important enough to be included in the conversation.”

^ guppy :((

“Yes, I know what you said,” you groaned, running a hand through your hair. “But, I will spend every waking minute wondering whether or not you’ve been captured or killed. I will be left here to wait for you on that hill like Mother did.”

^ omg 💔 ouch 😭 i know that was hard for bradley to hear ☹️

“Here,” he said, shoving the clothes into your open arms. You stared bewilderingly down at them before looking back up at him. He gestured for you to move down the hall. “Go change.”

^ um helloo?? 💀

“The only way you’re going to let me go,” he said like he was speaking to a child, “is if you come with me. So, you’re coming with me.” “Women aren’t allowed on ships, Rooster.” “Which is why you’re dressed in my hand-me-downs right now,” he rolled his eyes. “I’m getting you on that ship as a cabin boy if nothing else. Do you have everything?"

^ oh my 👀 so we're going to be a part of this adventure hehe 😏

You turned to look at Bradley who had stopped a few feet ahead of you. The two of you stared at one another for a moment before he reached his hand out to you. You took it, closing the door to the little cottage as you allowed him to pull you forward.

^ it must be so hard to leave everything behind, but at least they have each other 🥺

“Who’s this?” “This is my younger brother,” Bradley started, moving to rest a hand on your shoulder and pull you forward for the captain to see. Jake stared at you, face unreadable as he looked you over. You stood up a little straighter, puffing your chest out. Bradley had you bind it before you left to help conceal it beneath the jacket.

^ Omg this better work or this is going to be so embarrassing for us 🫣

“Pete Mitchell?” The dark-skinned man blinked in surprise as Jake’s eyebrows shot up. “As in the sailor who went by the name of Maverick?” “He was my father,” you said quietly, head hanging. How did these men know your father? It didn’t make sense that these men would know him.

^ oh? 👀 why would pirates know him? 👀

You moved to follow Bradley as Javy motioned for the two of you to follow him, but Jake grabbed your wrist to stop you. You looked back at him curiously, and he fixed you with a humor-filled smirk. “Don’t go causin’ any trouble on my ship now, you hear?” He winked. Your face remained stoic, unsure of how to respond. He let go of your wrist and motioned with his head for you to follow the others. As you walked onto the ship, you glanced behind you to see a pair of twinkling green eyes still staring after you.

^ oh he knows and he finds it funny huh 😩 oh i don't want to know how he's gonna use this information in the future 🫣 (who am i kidding, yes i do and i can't wait to read the inevitable reveal 🤭)

“You’ll be expected to help me out with the cooking as the new cabin boy,” he explained as he grabbed ingredients for that night’s meal. You fell into easy conversation with the young man, sharing stories and laughing. “And then the fish began wriggling, and he hollered so loud, they must have heard it clear across the Atlantic!” Bob laughed as you giggled.

^ I love Bob so much my sweet boy 🥺💕 I love that we get to hangout and work with him ✨

“You better go,” he murmured. “The captain doesn’t like waiting. His quarters are upstairs and the door right in front of you when you enter the hall. Knock on it when you get there.”

^ Oh, we’re bringing the food?? 👀👀👀

“The most important star you’ll ever need to know, little minnow,” he had whispered to you one night, guiding your eyes up to the heavens, “is Polaris, the north star. A sailor is never lost as long as they can find it. It brings me home to you, your mother, and Bradley every time I’m away.” You stared at the shining star, heart wrenching. “You didn’t bring him home.”

^ wow, ripping my heart out like that in the middle of this ☹️💔 as expected from you my dear Liz 🤧❤️‍🩹

You hesitated. You weren’t sure why you did, but the sound of pained grunt from inside the cabin caught your attention. You moved to peer inside, but the quarter master blocked your view. “That will be all, cabin boy,” he gritted out, a warning in his eyes. You nodded hesitantly before turning to slowly make your way back out onto the deck.

^ that’s suspicious… that’s weird… 🤨

“Yes,” you said. “I thought I heard someone in pain in the captain’s cabin.” Bob stilled for a moment before continuing his movements, humming in thought. “Was anyone there with him?” “No,” you shook your head. “Javy was there.” Bob breathed a breath of relief. “That’s good, then. He’ll take care of Jake, don’t you worry.”

^ oh yeah, they’re definetly hiding something 🧐

“I’ll call you ‘Jake’ when you call me ‘Pete,’” you shoot back at him, clamping your mouth shut as Jake let out a booming laugh, throwing his head back in glee. “Any other captain would have had you flogged, cabin boy,” he grinned at you. “But lucky for you, I’m not them.”

^ He’s already got a soft spot for Guppy, I just know it 🤭 Their dynamic is going to be so fun 😂🩷

“Oh, cabin boy?” You turned to look at him. “I never properly welcomed you that day,” he smirked, eyes shining. You frowned at him in confusion. Pushing up off the barrel, he strutted along the deck towards the stairs that led up to the upper deck. Pausing, he glanced over his shoulder. “Welcome aboard the Hangman.”

^ And just like that, the adventure begins!! ✨✨

I love that Guppy is going along with Bradley on this voyage with the crew and getting to see the world beyond their home too. I do wonder how long it’ll take until someone sees through her disguise and who will be the first one to figure it out 😂 I’m also keeping a close eye on that beloved Caption of ours 👀 something’s going on there with him for sure 👀 and even if I don’t know what’s going on yet, I do know I’m ready for this adventure to start!! 🏴‍☠️💗 Beautiful writing as always my dear!! 🫶🏼

🍀@idk-karla

⁀જ➣The Neighbor

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⁀જ➣me & the devil

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⁀જ➣Change your mind

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⁀જ➣fading away

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⁀જ➣holding your hand

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⁀જ➣A Firework Kind of Feeling

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⁀જ➣reckless fever, lover girl!

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⁀જ➣Bruised Shadows

library | part II>

dividers by @/honeyluvsw