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โ bucky x female reader โ
โโ maybe healing isn't about letting go. maybe it's learning how to carry the people you love with you, and letting them carry you
โคท tags: mature themes, character death (readers mother), grief, 5+1 with a twist, five stages of grief + one stage of love, stage five: acceptance, "last" stage, emotional comfort, semi slow burn, lowkey grumpy x grumpy, soft bucky, bucky barnes understands trauma, hes also a bit cheeky, thats my sarcastic king, feelings confession, romantic bucky, the slow burn has burnt, first kiss, A SMOOCH! WE DID IT JOE not beta read we die like... everything (also not proofread im posting late and my tummy hurt) โฎ warnings: as always, mature themes, discussions of death/grief, plus a little kissy kiss to make it all better
หหห ๊ฐ juneโs note ๊ฑ หหห
โโย oh my god... were SO close... i cant believe it. this is for all my #deadmomclub (i know its not funny but it kinda is) girlies! death is weird and inevitable and we're all here for such a short amount of time! love who you love and do what makes you happy! eat the candy and drink the soda and fuck anyone who tries to make you feel bad for anything! (also yeah i didnt proofread this my stomach hurt lowk idk why but i just want to post it and go sleeb) i love you <3
masterlist.
Acceptance didn't arrive the way you'd expected.
There wasn't a morning where you woke up and suddenly felt whole again. No quiet revelation, or miraculous absence of pain. The grief remained and it always would, there won't be a day that goes by without it, it simply stopped asking to be the loudest thing in the room. Some mornings, you still reached for your phone before remembering. Some afternoons, you'd pass the grocery store and instinctively think about calling your mother to ask if she needed anything. Some evenings, you'd stand on the porch and swear you could hear her humming somewhere inside the cottage.
Those moments still hurt and they always would, the difference was you'd stopped trying to outrun them. You let the memories arrive, let them stay for a while then, eventually you let them leave again. Like the tide. It came and it went. Neither movement diminished the ocean.
The porch was finally finished. Every loose board replaced, every weathered railing sanded smooth with fresh white paint that gleamed beneath the afternoon sun.
You leaned against the post Bucky had rebuilt nearly two months earlier.
"So..." you folded your arms. "I guess you're officially unemployed."
He looked up from packing away the last paintbrush. "I've still got plenty to do."
"Oh?"
He nodded toward the cottage. "I noticed your gutters."
You groaned dramatically. "Don't you dare."
"I also saw the back gate."
"Bucky."
"And I think your shed's leaning."
You pointed toward his motorcycle. "You can leave now."
"I don't think I will."
You rolled your eyes. "You've become incredibly comfortable inviting yourself over."
"You stopped locking the front door."
"I live in a town where everyone's eighty."
He looked genuinely thoughtful. "...Fair point."
The smile tugging at your lips arrived before you noticed it.
These days, it happened often. Not because life had become easier, but because somewhere between repairing porches, sharing coffee, and walking quiet stretches of shoreline together, smiling had become something your face remembered how to do on its own. The realization still surprised you. Sometimes, when Bucky wasn't looking, you caught yourself watching him. The way he absentmindedly rubbed the back of his neck whenever someone thanked him. The tiny crease that appeared between his eyebrows whenever he concentrated. The laugh that escaped him before he could stop it whenever one of his own terrible jokes somehow landed.
You'd begun collecting those little details without meaning to. Small things, practically ordinary things made precious simply because they belonged to him. The frightening part was you weren't the only one noticing. There had been moments lately, tiny ones where his gaze lingered a second longer than necessary. The way he'd automatically reached for the heavier grocery bags before you even asked. The evenings that stretched well past sunset because neither of you ever seemed eager to say goodnight.
Neither of you spoke about it, whatever it was. Maybe because speaking it aloud would change everything. Maybe because both of you understood how fragile new happiness could feel. Like holding something with wings, too tight and you'd crush it, too loose and it might fly away.
So instead, you walked. Nearly every evening.
The beach became your meeting place without either of you deciding it. Sometimes you'd buy sandwiches from the little deli on Main Street and eat them barefoot on the sand. Sometimes you'd stop for ice cream. Sometimes you'd sit on driftwood until stars appeared overhead, talking about everything and absolutely nothing.
He told you stories about Sam. You told him embarrassing things you'd done in high school. He confessed he'd once burned instant oatmeal.
You laughed so hard you nearly dropped your milkshake. "How is that even possible? All you have to do is add water."
"I know."
"What happened?"
"I got distracted."
"Doing what?"
"...Watching pelicans fight."
That's how it started. He'd offer small bits of himself, and you started showing him pieces of yourself, too.
Not the polished pieces you'd carried through the city. Not the version of yourself who knew how to walk into a conference room and convince a dozen people that beige paint could somehow change their lives. The older pieces, the ones you'd forgotten existed.
One afternoon, you took him beyond the main stretch of beach.
"Where are we going?"
"You'll see."
He followed you along the shoreline until you reached the cliffs at the far edge of town. You remembered coming here as a child, your mother had called it your secret place, though everyone within a five-mile radius probably knew about it.
At low tide, the rocks revealed dozens of shallow tide pools. Tiny ecosystems hidden between the cliffs with crabs, anemones and little silver fish darting beneath the surface.
You climbed carefully over the rocks, laughing when Bucky nearly slipped.
"Don't laugh."
"Don't worry, happens to everyone."
He gave you a look. "Even PTSD-riddled centenarians?"
"Especially those." You grinned.
Then you sat beside him at the edge of the cliff. The ocean stretched endlessly before you. You told him about summers spent here with your mother, about the sandwiches she'd pack, about the time you'd found a starfish and insisted on keeping it until she convinced you that it belonged in the ocean. About how you'd once fallen into a tide pool and cried because your favorite shorts were ruined.
Bucky listened. Sometimes he asked questions, sometimes he simply smiled. You realized halfway through the afternoon that you'd been talking about your mother for nearly an hour and you hadn't cried once. You'd smiled. You'd remembered. You'd missed her and you'd laughed all the way home at every one of Bucky's corny little jokes. The sound had echoed across the beach, light and unforced. The first time you'd laughed without immediately feeling guilty afterward.
Later that night, you'd cried anyway, not because you'd laughed. Because you'd realized your mother would've loved him. That thought had both hurt and helped at once. There were still quiet mornings where you sat alone with your coffee and watched the tide. Still evenings when grief found you unexpectedly, still days where your mother's absence felt like a physical thing sitting across from you at the kitchen table.
But there were other days now.
Days where Bucky stayed until dinner, days where dinner turned into coffee, coffee turned into sitting on the porch beneath the stars and sitting on the porch somehow turned into him falling asleep beside you. The first time it happened, you hadn't realized he'd drifted off. You were halfway through telling him about a terrible interior design project you'd worked on in the city when his responses became shorter and shorter, then nonexistent.
You glanced over. His head had tipped against the back of the couch, eyes closed, breathing slow and even.
You stared for a moment. "That boring, huh?"
You smiled despite yourself and found an old blanket and carefully draped it over him. You told yourself you only did it because the air conditioning was cold and you definitely didn't sit beside him for another hour, listening to his breathing because the sound was strangely comforting.
The next time he stayed over, you woke sometime after midnight to find him still asleep on the couch, the television played quietly in the background, moonlight spilled through the curtains. For a moment, the scene looked so domestic that something inside your chest ached, not painfully, just enough to make you notice. You stood there in the hallway, watching him sleep, and wondered when you'd starting thinking of home as him in it.
One afternoon, as Bucky packed away the last of the tools from fixing the leak in your faucet, he glanced toward the calendar hanging beside your kitchen window, a printed firework displayed on the upcoming weekend.
"What's that?"
"What?" Your eyes followed his. " Oh. The festival."
He frowned. "...Festival?"
"Our annual summer festival. Starts Friday and goes all weekend."
"Are you going?"
Immediately, your stomach tightened. You hadn't thought about it once since coming home. As a child, it had been your favorite weekend of the year. Your mother always insisted on arriving before lunch. She'd drag you toward every craft booth, buy lemonade you insisted tasted better than anywhere else, convince you to ride the Ferris wheel despite your yearly promise that this time you absolutely wouldn't. You'd end every festival sitting on the beach beside her, watching fireworks burst above the water.
The memories arrived all at once, bright enough to steal your breath.
"I think..." you looked toward the window. "I'll probably skip it."
Bucky's hands paused. "You sure?"
"I don't really..." you searched for the right words. "...feel like crowds."
He studied you quietly, then nodded. "I get that."
Relief settled briefly. Untilโ
"We can leave whenever you want."
You blinked. "What?"
"We'll go together." He shrugged. "And if you hate it... we can leave."
"It'sโฆ not that simple."
"It can be."
You looked away. "My mom... we alwaysโฆ"
"I know." The words were gentle, not pushing or pitying. "I know."
Silence stretched between you. He didn't try to convince you, didn't tell you it would be good for you, didn't insist your mother would've wanted you to go. He simply waited.
Eventually you met his eyes again. "You really wouldn't mind leaving early?"
He looked almost offended.
"I'll probably be looking for an excuse sooner than you'd think."
You smiled despite yourself. "Liar."
"A little."
The corner of his mouth lifted. "So?"
You looked toward the ocean beyond the porch, then back at him.
"...Okay."
His smile widened. "So that's a yes?"
"That's a..." you sighed dramatically. "...fine."
"I'll take it."
Friday evening arrived warmer than expected.
You stood in front of the hallway mirror adjusting the hem of your sundress for what felt like the hundredth time. Your mother had bought it for you three summers ago.
"Blue's your color," she'd insisted.
You'd almost changed, the dress feeling wrong for all the right reasons, then decided not to. The motorcycle rumbled into the driveway and your heart immediately forgot how to behave. You stepped onto the porch as Bucky removed his helmet.
He paused when his eyes found you. For one long second he simply looked.
"You..." he blinked. "...look really nice."
Heat bloomed unexpectedly across your cheeks. "So do you."
He laughed. "I'm wearing jeans."
"They're nice jeans."
"They're my only jeans."
You shook your head, smiling as he held out a helmet.
"For you."
You accepted it slowly, then looked toward the motorcycle. Your stomach flipped.
"I've..." you laughed nervously. "...never actually been on one."
"I figured."
"Isn't is kinda, unsafe?"
He nodded seriously. "It can be."
That honesty somehow made you trust him more. You looked between him and the bike, still uncertain. Bucky stepped a little closer, just enough that you could see the sincerity written plainly across his face.
"I won't let anything happen to you."
The words landed somewhere beneath your ribs. There was something about the way he said them, quiet and certain. As though he wasn't just talking about the motorcycle. As though he'd made some private promise to himself long before speaking it aloud. Your heart answered before your head could. You tried to ignore it, told yourself you were imagining things, that everything had simply made you sentimental.
"Okay."
You slipped the helmet on, fiddling with the straps until Bucky stepped forward to fix them for you. His eyes glittering in the almost setting sun. You'd never seen such a blue before, nearly enchanting until you saw them land on yours. Quickly flitting your eyes down you fought off the heat that crept up your face, mentally scolding yourself for staring so much.
When he was done he climbed onto the bike first, then held out his hand. You took it as he helped you climb on behind him.
"What do I do?"
"You hang on."
"To...?"
He reached back and gently guided your hands around his waist. "Me."
Your breath caught. "Oh."
"You'll be alright." His voice drifted back to you over his shoulder. "I've got you."
The engine roared softly beneath you. Your fingers hesitated at first, then tightened carefully around him. He was so solid and warm against you, it was like nothing you'd felt before, the warmth from his body seeping into yours, across every inch of open skin under the summer air. To your own surprise, your fingers splayed out against his abdomen, feeling the hard ridges through the soft shirt. You bit back a smile.
When the bike finally rolled forward your heart raced right up against your ribcage for the first few minutes. Every turn felt sharper, every bump larger until gradually you relaxed. The ocean stretched beside the road, the evening breeze carried salt through the air, the setting sun painted everything gold.
You found yourself smiling into the back of his jacket. Because he'd been right. You were safe.
The festival announced itself long before you reached it. Music drifted down the streets, children laughed somewhere ahead, the scent of fried dough and kettle corn floated through the warm evening air. Strings of lights hung between old buildings and colorful banners fluttered above crowded sidewalks. The entire town seemed alive. Families wandered between food stands, teenagers raced toward carnival games, someone practiced with a trumpet near the stage. Volunteers arranged chairs for the fireworks later that evening.
Every corner held another memory. ThereโThe booth where your mother always bought homemade jam. Thereโ The woman who used to paint tiny seashells that matched your mothers dress. Thereโ The bench where you'd shared funnel cake together one summer after getting caught in the rain.
Your steps slowed. The air suddenly felt too crowded, too loud and too full.
You stopped walking. "I don't know if I canโ"
The sentence never finished because something warm wrapped gently yet firm around your hand and stopped your words. You looked down. Bucky's hand was laved with yours, the calloused yet gentle pads of his fingers pressing softly onto the back of your hand, thumb brushing in absentminded random motions. He hadn't even looked toward you. His attention remained entirely occupied by a little vendor displaying hand-painted ceramic turtles beside crocheted sea turtles wearing tiny sailor hats.
"Huh." He tilted his head thoughtfully. "Look at that."
You blinked. "...What?"
"The tiny turtle."
He pointed with complete seriousness.
"It's wearing a bucket hat."
You couldn't help following his gaze and sure enough... it was. Ridiculous, utterly ridiculous yet your shoulders loosened almost imperceptibly. Only then did you realize he was still holding your hand, just enough for you to know you weren't standing there alone. And somehow that made the crowd feel a little less overwhelming.
As you wandered between booths and brightly colored tents, you realized the things you'd once loved as a child had become quieter now. The festival had changed, or maybe you had. The music wasn't just music anymore, it was generations dancing to the same songs. The food wasn't just food, it was recipes handed down between neighbors who'd known one another for decades. The festival wasn't really about games or fireworks, it was about remembering, about celebrating that another summer had arrived, that everyone was still here. Or most everyone. Your fingers instinctively tightened around Bucky's hand and he answered with the smallest squeeze. Not enough to call attention to it, enough to remind youโI'm here. The thought settled warmly inside your chest as you kept on through.
Soon, you stopped in front of a booth displaying handmade candles. Bucky stopped too, not because he cared about candles, but because you did.
He picked one up and wrinkled his nose from the smell.
"'Ocean Breeze.'" He sniffed it again. "This smells nothing like the ocean."
You laughed. "It smells like what companies wish the ocean smelled like."
"It smells like laundry detergent."
"I was trying to be polite."
He set it back down with exaggerated disappointment. "I feel lied to."
"You'll recover."
"I don't know." He sighed dramatically. "My trust has been shattered."
"You'll have to add it to your growing list of emotional trauma."
"I'll talk about it in therapy."
The corner of your mouth lifted. "You absolutely should."
The vendor behind the table chuckled quietly as you walked away.
A few booths later, Bucky slowed then stopped entirely. You followed his gaze to the ring toss booth. The old wooden bottles sat arranged in neat rows beneath strings of carnival lights. The teenager running the booth looked spectacularly bored.
Bucky nodded toward it. "Wanna play?"
You looked at him, then back to the game. "...Why?"
"What do you mean, why?" He blinked innocently.
"So you can show off your manly prowess?"
"Yes." The answer came without hesitation.
You stared. Then burst into laughter. "I appreciate the honesty."
"It's one of my better qualities."
"You have many?"
"I've been told."
"By yourself?"
"Frequently."
You shook your head. "You are unbelievable."
"And yet..." he gestured grandly toward the booth. "...you're still here with me."
"I question my judgment daily."
The teenager running the game finally looked interested. "You two gonna flirt all night or actually play?"
Both of you froze.
Your cheeks immediately grew warm.
"We're notโ"
"We'reโ"
You both spoke at once. Then looked at each other then immediately looked away.
The teenager grinned knowingly. "Uh-huh."
Bucky cleared his throat. "Two games."
"That'll be ten bucks."
A minute later, each of you stood behind the painted line with a handful of wooden rings.
The teenager lifted a stopwatch. "Ready?"
You nodded.
Bucky rolled his shoulders like he was preparing for battle.
"Oh my God."
"What?"
"You're taking this seriously."
"It's a competition."
"It's ring toss."
"Exactly."
You laughed.
The whistle blew. Immediately Bucky launched his first ring. Thunk. Bottle. Second ring. Thunk. Bottle. Third, fourth, fifth, every single one landed cleanly around a bottle neck.
You stared. "...How the?"
He didn't answer.
He was already grabbing another handful. You watched in stunned disbelief as he barely paused long enough to collect his rings before tossing them again. Every throw was perfect bottle after bottle. Meanwhile you carefully lined up your first attempt, took aim, released and it bounced harmlessly off the edge.
"Oh, come on."
Another try. Miss. Another. Miss.
"You've got this." Bucky endeared.
"I very clearly do not."
Bucky somehow landed another ring without even looking.
You narrowed your eyes. "Are you hustling carnivals?"
"No."
"Bucky."
"I've had a long life."
"You've been practicing ring toss for a hundred years?"
"It comes up more than you'd think."
The timer ticked relentlessly now as you hurried your last throw. The ring bounced once, twice, then aettled around the neck of the very last bottle.
"Yes!" You threw both hands into the air triumphantly. "I got one!"
The whistle blew and the teenager looked between the scorecards.
"You..." he pointed toward you. "...won a sand dollar eraser."
He handed you a tiny white eraser shaped like a sand dollar. You accepted it like you'd won an Olympic medal.
"I'd like everyone to know I earned this."
Bucky nodded solemnly. "You should be proud."
Then the teenager turned toward Bucky.
"And you..." he looked genuinely impressed. "...pick whatever you want."
Bucky scanned the prize wall. Stuffed bears, dolphins and sea turtles. Then his eyes landed on something hanging crookedly in the corner, bright pink and ridiculously oversized. A stuffed octopus nearly half your height.
He pointed. "That one."
The teenager struggled slightly getting it down. When Bucky accepted it, the octopus immediately flopped dramatically over both of his arms, it looked absurd. You started laughing before he even turned around. He walked over completely serious and held it toward you.
"For you."
Your laughter faltered. "...What?"
"You won."
"I won an eraser."
He looked down at the octopus.
"I upgraded you."
You accepted it carefully. The plush thing was ridiculously soft, its floppy tentacles immediately wrapped around your arm.
You smiled so hard your cheeks hurt. "Manly prowess, huh?"
You looked up at him over the octopus's oversized head.
He smirked.
"Hey." He folded his arms. "Pink is a very manly color."
"Oh?"
"Absolutely."
"I'll be sure to let everyone know."
"You should."
"I'll tell them the terrifying motorcycle guy specifically requested the giant pink octopus."
"I did."
"Without hesitation."
"I knew what I wanted."
You laughed again, the sound escaped so freely now that you barely recognized it as your own. A strangely comforting feeling.
The octopus accompanied the two of you through the rest of the festival. Children pointed at it and parents smiled, an elderly woman stopped just to tell you it was "the cutest thing she'd seen all evening." Bucky accepted the compliment with complete sincerity despite having absolutely nothing to do with its design.
"You hear that?" He nudged you lightly. "I have excellent taste."
"You have concerning confidence."
"I've earned it."
Eventually you found yourselves sharing an order of chili fries from a paper basket balanced between you.
"You can have the last one." Bucky nudged it toward you.
"No."
"I insist."
"You always insist."
"It's part of my charm."
You rolled your eyes then split the last fry in half.
"There, compromise."
"I like that."
Later came cotton candy. You tore off a tiny piece and held it toward him.
"Try it."
"I know what cotton candy tastes like."
"Humor me."
He sighed theatrically before leaning down. You held the piece closer as he took a bite and chewed thoughtfully.
"Hm."
"What?"
"It still tastes like sugar."
You laughed. "I don't know what answer I expected."
"You asked."
"I regret asking."
"Too late."
Soon the sky deepened slowly toward evening. Festival lights blinked to life one by one, music drifted through the warm air. You wandered without much direction anymore. Simply, together. Somewhere along the way, you noticed something.
Not all at once, just little things.
The way Bucky automatically ordered your coffee exactly how you liked it before you even reached the cafรฉ stand. The way he noticed your shoulders tensing whenever the crowds became too thick. How his thumb brushed lightly across the back of your hand every time it happened, how he'd give it a tiny squeeze. Never asking if you were alright, never drawing attention to it. Just quietly reminding you you're not alone. How he hadn't let go of you the entire night.
He knew which stories made you laugh, which ones made you quiet. He remembered tiny details you'd forgotten mentioning. Your favorite childhood ice cream flavor, the shell your mother once insisted looked like Elvis, the way you always picked the blue sea glass over the green. He'd been paying attention. All along.
The realization stole your breath. You'd spent months mourning your mother's love, so consumed by the shape of that absence that you'd nearly missed something else taking root beside it. Something new, different and gentler, but all consuming in the same way.
You slowed to a stop near the edge of the festival. The crowds continued moving around you. Somewhere behind you, children shrieked excitedly over carnival rides. Ahead, volunteers began setting up blankets for the fireworks as the first few twinkling stars poked through the sky over the water. Bucky stood beside you looking toward the shoreline. The last bit of the fading sunlight caught against the faint silver strands at his temples. Against the bridge of his nose. Against the soft curve of his smile as he watched a little girl proudly dragging home a stuffed dolphin almost bigger than she was.
You found yourself watching him instead. Not the festival, not the sunset. Just... Him. And for one terrifying, wonderful moment you realized your heart had already made its choice long before your mind had caught up.
You weren't sure how long you'd been staring. Long enough that the sounds of the festival faded into something soft and distant. Long enough that Bucky finally noticed.
He turned his head slightly as he caught you looking.
One eyebrow lifted. "Penny for your thoughts?"
Heat climbed immediately into your cheeks.
You looked away with a quiet laugh. "...I'm not sure they're worth a whole penny."
"I've got two."
"Oh?"
"So now I'm curious."
You smiled to yourself, shaking your head. "It's nothing."
"I don't believe you."
"You shouldn't."
"Good."
The smile lingered as you looked back toward him.
"I was just thinking..." your fingers absently squeezed the stuffed octopus tucked beneath your arm. "...it's kind of weird."
"What is?"
"You."
He blinked.
"Well that feels personal."
You laughed.
"I mean..." you looked out over the festival. "if I had backed into literally any other motorcycle that day,"
He nodded thoughtfully. "...I'd probably own a perfectly intact motorcycle."
"I mean it." You nudged him with your shoulder.
He smiled. "You would've yelled at somebody else."
"I would've."
"You would've stormed out of the hardware store."
"I definitely would've."
"You would've avoided some random guy for the rest of your life."
"...Probably."
Silence settled between you, a comfortable and easy lull.
You laughed quietly to yourself. "I hit your motorcycle."
"You did."
"I almost ruined both our lives backing into a stationary object."
He shrugged. "You mostly scared yourself."
"I apologized."
"Eventually."
"I yelled at you then kicked you out of my house later ."
"You did that too."
"I cried in your living room."
"You did."
"I've really made a series of excellent first impressions."
Bucky's smile softened. "My favorite was probably the second one."
"The storm?"
He nodded. "You offering me a ride."
"I almost didn't."
"I know."
"I was still embarrassed," you admitted bashfully. "I thought you hated me."
"I never hated you."
You looked over. "No?"
He shook his head. "I thought you were just having the worst week of your life."
You laughed without humor. "...Turns out it was more like the worst year."
His eyes met yours, their look carried no pity, only understanding.
You looked back toward the ocean. "It's funny."
"What?"
"I kept calling us..." you smiled to yourself. "...an unfortunate coincidence."
"You did?"
"I wasn't exactly thrilled about you at first."
"I hardly noticed." He deadpanned.
"You kept showing up."
A smirk tugged at his lips. "You kept driving into my general vicinity."
"I did not."
"You literally hit my motorcycle."
"Details."
He laughed.
"So..." you bumped his shoulder again. "...unfortunate coincidence."
Bucky looked toward the shoreline. Toward the waves quietly rolling onto the sand, then back at you.
"I think we're past coincidence."
Your heart stumbled, not dramatically but enough that you noticed and you're sure he did too. You looked around the festival. The lights, music and the crowds. Bucky's hand still in yours and the ocean beyond them all.
Maybe you were past coincidences. But then what could be next?
The first firework launched just as you reached the beach.
A bright streak of gold climbed into the darkening sky. ThenโBloomed. Children cheered immediately, the crowd applauded and more fireworks followed. Blue, red and silver. Each reflection shattered beautifully across the ocean's surface. Blankets spread across the sand with families settled shoulder to shoulder. Someone nearby laughed loudly enough to start a chain reaction through half the beach.
You and Bucky sat a little farther away, close enough to enjoy the celebration but far enough to still hear the waves. The first booming crack echoed overhead and without thinking you leaned a little closer to him. The second explosion came a little louder and his arm brushed yours. Then, very gently, he slipped it around your shoulders. You leaned into him almost immediately, the movement felt so natural it surprised you. His warmth settled around you like another blanket against the evening breeze. Neither of you spoke, just sat as the fireworks painted shifting colors across the water. Gold, purple, green, white.
You watched them silently for a long time.
Finally, you spoke up in a moment of quiet.
"I'm scared." The words barely escaped above the waves.
Bucky didn't pretend not to hear. "I know."
You looked down at your hands.
"I..." you laughed quietly, mostly because crying would have been easier.
"I like you." The confession hung in the air between another burst of fireworks. "I think... I think I've liked you for a while."
Another explosion bloomed overhead.
"I want..." the words felt terrifying and freeing all at once. "I want to keep liking you."
You looked up at him. "But I'm scared. So much of me still belongs to..."
Your voice cracked and you couldn't finish the sentence, a ragged breath leaving your lips. You knew what you wanted to say. Your mother. The grief. The version of yourself that existed before everything changed.
"What if..." you looked back toward the ocean. "What if this is just because I'm lonely? What if I wake up one day and realize I've been trying to replace something that can't be replaced?"
Another breath.
"What if I lose you too?"
The final question escaped before you could stop it. And there it was, the real fear. Not falling in love, but losing it afterward. Bucky was quiet for a long moment as the fireworks continued exploding overhead. He looked toward the water, then back at you.
"I'm scared too."
You blinked. "You are?"
"I've been terrified." He smiled faintly.
A surprised laugh escaped you. "You hide it well."
"I've had practice."
He looked down at the sand beneath your feet.
"I didn't..." he paused. "I don't ever want you to think..."
Finding the words seemed strangely difficult for him.
"...that I was trying to take advantage of..." his voice grew quieter. "...everything you've been carrying."
Your chest tightened.
"You lost your mom." His eyes found yours again. "You came here trying to survive."
He shook his head gently.
"The last thing I ever wanted..." another pause. "...was for you to wonder whether I saw that as an opportunity."
The thought had never crossed your mind, not once.
"I don't."
"I know." He smiled softly. "But I worried anyway."
His thumb brushed lightly against your shoulder.
"I don't need you to love me today."
The words settled somewhere impossibly deep inside you.
"I don't need you next week. Or next month."
"I just..." his voice almost disappeared beneath another firework. "...want to be there."
He looked at you with the same quiet certainty he'd worn the day he promised to keep you safe on the motorcycle.
"No matter what." Another firework burst overhead, the silver light danced across his face. "No matter how."
The tears came then. But they weren't born from grief this time, not entirely. You reached for his hand, not because you needed reassurance but because you wanted him.
Your fingers slipped between his.
"I don't think..." you smiled shakily. "...you're taking advantage of me."
His shoulders loosened.
"I think... I think you've been behind me... watching me stumble stubbornly, until I remembered how to stand. You were always there, even if I thought I didn't want you, you were there. And I never knew how I much I needed it, or liked it, until now."
You took a breath and sat up, facing him. You were closer than you thought, the light flecks of his morning shave fighting through.
"I don't know how to do this anymore," you murmured softly, "but I'd like to try and figure it out, with youโฆ If you want."
The silence that followed was impossibly gentle. The ocean breathed beside you, fireworks painted the night above. Your heart felt frighteningly full as you felt his eyes bore into yours, feeling every inch of his gaze for what felt like the first time. And as you looked back you could see it all plain as day, the kindness that had never once asked you to become someone other than exactly who you were. The patience that had waited outside closed doors without resentment. The man who'd fixed your porch, made you coffee, remembered your favorite order, woven sea glass into a necklace, and quietly held space for every impossible version of your grief.
You leaned in, slowly enough that he could have moved away. He didn't. You let your eyes flutter shut as another resounding boom of a firework went off, but it fell on deaf ears the moment your lips met softly. The kiss was gentle, tentative and almost questioning. It lasted only a heartbeat before you pulled back just enough to search his face.
He smiled, small and warm and you smiled too. Then he closed the distance again. This kiss lingered, fuller and certain, his hand rested lightly against your cheek as yours curled against the front of his jacket. The fireworks thundered overhead and the crowd cheered for the dazzling display yet neither of you noticed. When you finally pulled apart, you rested your forehead against his, laughing quietly, not because anything was funny.
Because joy sometimes sounded remarkably similar to relief.
After another dazzling ride back home, Bucky walked you up to your door beneath a sky still glowing faintly from the last firework. The giant pink octopus swung lazily from your hand, the sea glass necklace rested against your heart. Every few steps, your shoulders brushed, and neither of you seemed interested in creating more space. When you reached the cottage, you lingered on the porch, neither of you eager to say goodnight either.
Eventually Bucky spoke up first. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
"You probably will." You smiled.
He laughed. "I like those odds."
"So do I."
He kissed your forehead once more then turned toward his motorcycle. You watched until he reached it and rumbled off down the road until you unlocked the front door. Before stepping inside, you glanced down at the sea glass resting against your chest. Once broken, thrashed in the ocean time and time again, changed and beautiful. Still itself, just different. Your hand settled over it instinctively.
You realized something then. You were smiling. Not forcing it or pretending but actually smiling. And what felt like the first time since your mother's death you didn't apologize for it. You didn't feel guilty for surviving, you didn't wonder whether happiness meant you'd loved your mother any less. It simply existed beside the grief. Just as the ocean held both calm mornings and violent storms, both belonged, both were true.
You stepped inside your cottage carrying your memories, your sorrow, your love and hope. Knowing with the quiet certainty that your heart had made room for love without leaving your mother behind. Knowing it had simply learned that both could live there together.
โ thunderbolts!bucky x assisstant!reader โ
โโ when the new avengers' image needs repairing after the new york incident, you're tasked with organizing a massive coney island charity carnival. (un)fortunately, one forgotten booth assignment lands bucky barnes in the event's most popular attraction: the kissing booth.
โคท tags: post thunderbolts (lowk is this a tower fic?), kissing booth, carnival/fair, slow burn, friends to lovers, coworkers to lovers, overworked reader, grumpy x sunshine, he falls first AND he falls harder, mutual pining, idiots in love, semi forced proximity, one sided pining until it isnt, some emotional constipation, accidental date, the date was real though, touch starved bucky barnes + soft bucky barnes, domestic yearning, office romance, workaholic!reader, author has journalism geek speak, career burnout, acts of service love language, what if someone noticed as a love language, softness after survival, brief mentions of trauma/ptsd, feelings confession, lots of kisses (its titled accurately) fluff with a happy ending โฎ warnings: 18+ MDNI! valentina is a toxic boss #freemygirlmel, coercive workplace environment, eventual smut, p in v, unprotected sex, thunderbolts bucky is a softdom ill die on this hill, reader is a pillow princess #notsorry, specific tags to be added in each part!
หหห ๊ฐ juneโs note ๊ฑ หหห
โโย BDAY FIC!!!! you guys dont understand... i LOVE this bucky i was literally like so obsessed with him i dreamed about him i thought about him while looking at the sunset i want to marry him forever and ever and ever. i hope you like it and as always thank you for reading!
โโ chapters + extras
๐ part one โฎ one for the money...
๐ part two โฎ two for the show...
๐ part three โฎ three to get ready... now go, go go!
โโ okay i wasnt originally planning on doing a tag list for this but im seeing lots of requests for it and im nothing if not a people pleaser ๐โโ๏ธ
so if you want to be tagged, comment on this post or send me a message/inbox to be added!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
โ Live Streamingโ Interactive Chatโ Private Showsโ HD Qualityโ Free Actions
Free to watch โข No registration required โข HD streaming
your writing is absolutely beautiful and i felt so engaged while reading๐ซถ๐ซถ๐ซถthank you so much for all the effort and love you genuinely put into your work!!
thank YOU for this inbox anon! i know as writers (i cant speak for everyone but im sure at least some) we wave the flag of 'we write for ourselves' but it truly is these little nuggets of love that at least keep me going. thank you <3
โ thunderbolts!bucky x PR!assisstant!reader โ
โโ when the new avengers' image needs repairing after the new york incident, you're tasked with organizing a massive coney island charity carnival. (un)fortunately, one forgotten booth assignment lands bucky barnes in the event's most popular attraction: the kissing booth.
โคท tags: post thunderbolts (lowk is this a tower fic?), kissing booth, carnival/fair, slow burn, friends to lovers, coworkers to lovers, overworked reader, grumpy x sunshine, he falls first AND he falls harder, mutual pining, idiots in love, semi forced proximity, one sided pining until it isnt, some emotional constipation, accidental date, the date was real though, touch starved bucky barnes + soft bucky barnes, domestic yearning, office romance, workaholic!reader, author has journalism geek speak, career burnout, acts of service love language, what if someone noticed as a love language, softness after survival, brief mentions of trauma/ptsd, feelings confession, lots of kisses (its titled accurately) fluff with a happy ending โฎ warnings: 18+ MDNI! valentina is a toxic boss #freemygirlmel, coercive workplace environment, eventual smut, p in v, unprotected sex, thunderbolts bucky is a softdom ill die on this hill, reader is a pillow princess #notsorry, specific tags to be added in each part!
หหห ๊ฐ juneโs note ๊ฑ หหห
โโย BDAY FIC!!!! you guys dont understand... i LOVE this bucky i was literally like so obsessed with him i dreamed about him i thought about him while looking at the sunset i want to marry him forever and ever and ever. i hope you like it and as always thank you for reading!
โโ chapters + extras
๐ part one โฎ one for the money...
๐ part two โฎ two for the show...
๐ part three โฎ three to get ready... now go, go go!
I love the randomness of the kudos email. Itโs the fic I wrote this week. The one thatโs 13 years old. The one that I donโt remember what itโs about or even what fandom it is.
Thanks lovely readers. <3 your taste is mysterious and wonderful.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
โ Live Streamingโ Interactive Chatโ Private Showsโ HD Qualityโ Free Actions
Free to watch โข No registration required โข HD streaming
โ bucky x female reader โ
โโ some days the tide barely reaches your ankles. other days it pulls you beneath the surface before you realize the tide has changed but sometimes it isn't about escaping the stormโit's about finding someone willing to weather it beside you.
โคท tags: mature themes, character death (readers mother), grief, 5+1 with a twist, five stages of grief + one stage of love, stage four: depression, emotional lows, hurt/comfort, self blame, mentions of loss of appetite/not eating, lots of isolation, semi slow burn, lowkey grumpy x grumpy, soft bucky, bucky barnes understands trauma, not beta read we die like... everything โฎ warnings: as always, mature themes, heavy discussions of death/grief
หหห ๊ฐ juneโs note ๊ฑ หหห
โโย almost there! man this story is flying by, when i first started writing it i didnt know if i would post it or if anyone would be interested in it but i like to think that if 13 yr old june saw this when she was tumblr it wouldve blown her mind... so this is for her ig! thank you for reading <3
masterlist.
Grief had a way of convincing you that everyone else had already moved on.
The grocery store cashier smiled like nothing had happened. Children still chased seagulls along the shoreline every afternoon, the mail arrived at the same time, the tide still obeyed the moon. Even the cottage had settled back into its old rhythms, creaking each morning as the sun warmed its weathered bones.
Everything continued. Everything except you, you'd begun measuring time differently. Not by calendars, or by days of the week. By absences. It had been a hundred and six mornings since your mother had called to ask if you'd remembered breakfast. Ninety-one sunsets since you'd returned to the beach. Four walks with Bucky. One necklace. Seven voicemails.
The numbers accumulated quietly as though grief insisted on keeping score.
You'd stopped sleeping on the couch, mostly, some nights you still found yourself wandering into the living room without remembering why. The bedroom remained unfamiliar, too much empty space, too much silence after midnight. Some mornings you woke reaching instinctively toward your phone. Not because you expected a missed call anymore, because habit lingered long after hope had left.
It took less than a second to remember but the second was long enough to ruin the rest of the morning.
The hardest part wasn't believing she might still be alive, that illusion had finally disappeared. No, the hardest part was understanding she was never coming back. Never. There wasn't another phone call waiting, another birthday, another Christmas, another ordinary Tuesday afternoon spent listening to her complain about the neighbor's wind chimes. Your grief had become heavier somehow, quieter, the sharp edges from those first few months had worn smooth. Not because they hurt less but because they'd settled deeper like stones dropped to the bottom of the ocean, always there, always waiting beneath the surface.
Some days you imagined grief as another person living inside the cottage. Following you from room to room, sitting silently across the table while you drank your coffee, standing beside you while you folded laundry, watching without speaking, never leaving. The strange thing was you'd almost begun missing your mother in new ways. At first, you'd mourned the obvious things, her voice, her laugh, her hugs. Now you missed asking whether chicken had cooked long enough, you missed hearing her sing the wrong lyrics while she gardened, you missed watching terrible television together because neither of you wanted to admit you secretly enjoyed it.
You missed being someone's daughter.
The realization settled quietly one evening while you stood in the grocery store comparing pasta sauces. No one would ever ask if you'd made it home safely again. No one would remind you to take your umbrella. No one would tell you not to skip breakfast. The world had not only taken your mother, it had quietly taken every version of you that existed because she did.
You drove home with tears blurring the road. Again.
The cottage greeted you with its familiar silence and you couldn't bear sitting still. Stillness had become dangerous, stillness left room for thinking and thinking always led back to her. So you cleaned. The kitchen first, then the bathroom, then every bookshelf. You dusted picture frames you'd already dusted two days earlier, organized cupboards that hadn't become disorganized, swept perfectly clean floors.
Movement. Always movement. If your hands stayed busy maybe your mind wouldn't. By late afternoon, you found yourself standing in the hallway linen closet. The one you'd skipped every time you cleaned, mostly because it contained things that had belonged to your mother. It had become the final untouched space next to your mothers bedroom. All it held was extra blankets, holiday decorations, old photo albums. Supposedly harmless things.
You stared at the door. Then, before you could talk yourself out of it you opened it. The familiar scent drifted out immediately. Lavender and cedar with the faint trace of your mother's perfume lingering stubbornly in old fabric. Your chest tightened as you knelt slowly and began to move. Folded blankets, straightened books, moved a stack of beach towels until something new caught your eye.
Behind them sat three cardboard boxes. Plain and unlabeled with dust coating the lids.
You frowned. "I don't remember these..."
The words disappeared into the empty hallway. Carefully, you pulled the first box toward you and sifted through it. Old tax papers and instruction manuals layered the top with recipes clipped from magazines, nothing remarkable.
The second held photographs. Birthday cards and your elementary school report cards. You smiled despite yourself when a macaroni picture frame nearly fell into your lap. She'd kept everything, of course she had.
The third box felt heavier. When you lifted the lid, dozens of worn notebooks stared back at you. Journals of different colors labeled different years, each spine softened from use with your mothers names sketched across them. Your fingers hovered uncertainly over the top one. It felt wrong, private. Like opening a letter never intended for you.
You almost closed the box again. Almost.
Then your eyes caught your own name written neatly across the edge of one notebook. Just once, a single page marked with a folded corner. Your heartbeat slowed. Or maybe stopped altogether.
"I'm sorry." The whisper escaped into the quiet house.
Whether you were apologizing to yourself or to your mother, you weren't sure. Carefully, hands shaking, you opened the journal. The handwriting was instantly familiar, neat and rounded, every letter exactly where it belonged. You'd watched those hands write grocery lists, birthday cards, sign permission slips for your entire life. Yet seeing them here felt impossibly intimate.
You began reading.
The first entries were ordinary. Weather. Gardening. Recipes. Stories about neighbors.
Thenโ "Had my girl call today." Your breath caught at the words. "She sounded tired." A date. Nearly six years ago. "She says work is keeping her busy. I told her I was proud of her. I hope she's still taking some time for herself." Another line crossed out once, then rewritten. "Sometimes I wonder if she's happier there than she ever was here. I hope she is. I always knew this town was too small for her."
You swallowed hard and turned to the next page.
"The house gets awfully quiet after we hang up."
Another.
"I walked past her old bedroom today. I still haven't changed anything."
Another.
"I don't tell her how lonely it gets."
Your fingers tightened against the paper.
"She'd come home if she thought I needed her."
The sentence blurred, you blinked quickly.
Another page.
"And I'd never ask her to give up her life for mine."
A tear landed quietly against the paper, you wiped it away immediately.
"I'm sorry..." your voice barely existed.
You kept reading. The years unfolded beneath your fingertips. Hope, pride and loneliness. The entries became less certain.
"Doctor says everything looks fine."โ "Didn't tell her about the appointment." โ "Sometimes I get scared."
You stopped breathing.
Scared. Your mother? No. That couldn't be right. You read the sentence again.
"Not of dying, exactly."
Your hands trembled.
"I'm afraid of leaving her alone."
Another page.
"Parents aren't supposed to admit that they're scared."
Another.
"I try to be brave because she still looks at me like I know what I'm doing. I'll never forget that look until the day I die. She's all I've ever needed."
The room tilted.
No.
Your mother had never been afraid. She couldn't have been. She was the woman who rebuilt half the porch after a hurricane because contractors were "too expensive." The woman who laughed when the power went out, who killed spiders with yesterday's newspaper, who marched into school meetings ready to fight teachers twice her size if they underestimated you.
She had always seemed impossibly invincible. You'd spent your entire childhood believing if someone told your mother she couldn't build a staircase to heaven she'd simply ask what kind of lumber they recommended. She was the strongest person you'd ever known, she wasn't supposed to write words like I'm scared. She wasn't supposed to lie awake wondering if she'd done enough. She wasn't supposed to doubt herself.
The revelation struck deeper than the funeral ever had.
Because suddenly your mother wasn't just gone, she had been human all along. Fragile, lonely and afraid. And you'd never seen it. You sat alone on the hallway floor, journals scattered around you like pieces of a life you'd thought you understood. The tide slipped quietly back out to sea outside the windows while the foundation of your memories shifted beneath your feet as you stumbled back to the couch. Not daring to touch them, the journals never left the hallway.
You told yourself you'd put them away tomorrow. Tomorrow became the next morning. Then the morning after that and eventually, they simply became part of the house. A stack of worn notebooks sitting exactly where you'd left them, waiting patiently for you to return.
Sometimes you did. Sometimes you couldn't bear to.
You'd read a page, maybe two then spend the rest of the afternoon staring blankly out the living room window. The grief had changed again. It no longer arrived in violent waves that knocked the air from your lungs, it settled instead, heavy and constant in your chest. Like wet sand filling your shoes one grain at a time until lifting your feet felt impossible.
You stopped opening the curtains and the cottage grew dim. Morning sunlight pressed against the windows each day, asking politely to come inside. You never answered.
The dishes remained in the sink. The laundry stayed unfolded. Your mother's blanket migrated from the couch to the floor and back again because you carried it from room to room without ever really noticing. You cried often. Sometimes because you found one of her hair ties in the bathroom drawer. Sometimes because a gull landed on the mailbox she'd painted three summers ago. Sometimes because the silence became so loud it felt unbearable.
Most of the timeโฆ you couldn't have explained why. Grief had stopped asking permission, it simply arrived whenever it pleased. Sleep abandoned you, you'd lie awake until three in the morning replaying conversations that had happened years ago.
"Love you."
"Love you too."
Had you said it enough? Had she known? Did mothers ever really know?
Then exhaustion would finally drag you under just before sunrise, only for you to wake an hour later feeling somehow more tired than before. Food became complicated, not because you weren't hungry, because every meal reminded you of someone who wasn't sitting across the table anymore. You found yourself reaching automatically for a second plate then standing motionless in the kitchen, staring at it until reality caught up.
One plate. Only one.
Eventually, even that became too much effort. A piece of toast, half a banana and crackers eaten absentmindedly over the sink became your go-to. Some days, nothing at all. You didn't notice at first, not really, grief had a remarkable way of disguising neglect as exhaustion. The world narrowed until survival became the only task you could manage. Shower, sometimes. Brush your teeth, usually. Get dressed, if it seemed necessary. The rest could wait until tomorrow even though tomorrow always felt equally impossible.
The guilt grew alongside the sadness, not loud but persistent. Like a tide that never fully retreated. You'd left.
That fact echoed through every journal entry. Every quiet room, every memory. You'd left her.
Your mother had waved from the porch every time you drove back to the city, smiling telling you to chase your dreams, telling you she was proud. Meanwhile she'd written about empty bedrooms, lonely dinners and quiet houses. How had you missed it? How had you believed her so completely? The questions circled endlessly. If I'd come home sooner... If I'd noticed... If I'd asked one more question... If I'd stayed... You knew there weren't answers. That empty void growing inside you didn't care, it fed on questions anyway. The cruelest realization came one afternoon while you sat curled beneath the blanket on the couch. You finally understood what had changed inside you.
Your mother had loved you for your entire life, not loudly or extravagantly. Constantly. Like breathing, like the tides, like the sun rising every morning without asking anything in return. You'd spent twenty some years standing inside that love without ever realizing it surrounded you. Now it was gone.
Not the memories, those agonizingly remained. But the living thing itself, the person who worried whether you'd eaten lunch. Who instinctively reached for your hand crossing busy streets long after you'd become an adult, who still called just because she'd seen your favorite flowers blooming outside the grocery store.
That love had occupied a place inside your life so completely you'd mistaken it for part of yourself. Now there was nothing. An absence so enormous it felt physical, as though someone had reached into your chest and removed an entire room. You understood then why people described grief as a hole, because that's exactly what it was, not something broken. Something missing.
And the terrifying part you knew, somewhere deep down, that nothing would ever fill it. Not another person. Not another home. Not time.
The shape of that loss belonged only to your mother. It would always belong to her.
You stopped pretending otherwise.
Several days passed before you heard what would be your first human interaction, unless the ghost of your mother had decided to finally make her appearance.
Someone knocked on the front door, three steady taps.
You didn't move. A minute later came another knock, gentler this time. Then, an all too familiar voice carried faintly through the wood, calling your name.
"You home?"
You closed your eyes. Bucky. There was no point in pretending to not be home, he knew you were. Your truck sat in the driveway and the porch light had been left on overnight again. You imagined him standing outside with his hands shoved into his jacket pockets, looking toward the windows you'd forgotten to uncover. Just the thought of seeing him or talking to him, telling him about the journals, it all still hurt too much.
"I just..." his voice hesitated. "...wanted to make sure you were okay. Haven't seen you around."
You almost answered. Your hand even lifted slightly from where it rested beneath the blanket, then the words dissolved before reaching your throat. Because you weren't okay and saying so aloud felt like making it real.
Silence answered him instead, another long pause.
"Alright." No frustration in his voice, no guilt or insistence. "I'll check back another day."
Footsteps creaked softly across the porch, then disappeared. You listened until the motorcycle faded into the distance. The quiet that followed somehow felt even larger.
You told yourself you'd text him tomorrow. Tomorrow came and left with the excuse of the next day.
Time became an unreliable glaze over everything, mornings blurred into evenings, you couldn't remember whether you'd showered yesterday or last Thursday and what you swore to only be days, was nearly three weeks. The calendar hanging beside the refrigerator still displayed the previous month as proof, you never turned the page.
One afternoon you opened the pantry. A single can of soup expired six months ago, half a box of stale crackers and a bag of rice with only enough left to cover the bottom hardly filled the sparse space.
You checked another cabinet. Empty.
The refrigerator held mustard, milk that had gone sour days earlier a jar of pickles and nothing else. You stood there staring for a long time, not because you didn't know what to do because you couldn't remember the last time you'd cared enough to notice.
Something inside you shifted, small, almost imperceptible. Not hope, nothing that dramatic but instinct, maybe. The same quiet impulse that had made you leave the city. Before your brain had time to argue, you grabbed your keys from the hook beside the door. Your shoes, your wallet and you climbed into the truck.
Started the engine and drove. No destination, no plan, just movement. The roads became familiar without your permission. Left at the old bait shop, right past the diner, straight through the intersection with the blinking yellow light.
By the time you finally looked up, the truck was already parked. You frowned, confused. In front of you sat a weathered cottage tucked beneath a cluster of live oaks. Blue shutters, a porch swing and a motorcycle parked beneath the carport.
Bucky's house.
You hadn't meant to come here. At least...you didn't think you had. Your hands remained wrapped around the steering wheel. You considered putting the truck in reverse and driving away pretending this hadn't happened. Before you could decide, the front door opened.
Bucky stepped onto the porch. He looked toward the driveway, toward your truck, toward you. For one suspended moment, neither of you moved. Then he saw your face and whatever he found there erased every question before it could be asked.
He crossed the yard without hurry, without panic and opened the passenger door. He looked at you quietly, your hair hadn't been brushed, dark circles hollowed the skin beneath your eyes, your sweatshirt hung looser than it had a month ago. You looked like someone who'd been surviving instead of living.
All it took was that one look.
He stepped aside. "C'mon."
No what happened? No are you okay? No talk to me. Just comfort.
Something inside you finally gave out, you nodded once, unbuckled your seatbelt and followed him inside.
The house was quiet. Not the heavy silence that lived inside your cottage, not the kind that echoed. This one breathed. The kettle whistled softly from the kitchen, the old floorboards creaked beneath Bucky's footsteps. Somewhere outside, wind stirred the porch swing just enough for it to knock gently against its chain. Back and forth. Back and forth.
Bucky disappeared into the kitchen without asking what you wanted. You awkwardly seated yourself on the couch, the air wasn't necessarily uncomfortable, but that casual breeze the last time you were here was sorely missed. A rigid, almost tense feel took its place. A few minutes later he returned carrying two mugs. He handed one to you.
Coffee, exactly how you'd taken it the last time. You hadn't realized he'd remembered.
"Thanks."
He nodded once. "You eaten today?"
You looked down at the mug. "...Not really."
"Hm."
That was all he said. No lecture, no disappointed look., no reminder that you needed to take better care of yourself. He simply disappeared again. You heard cupboards open, a plate slide across the counter. When he returned, he set a peanut butter sandwich on the coffee table between you.
"I know it's not much."
Your throat tightened unexpectedly. It wasn't the sandwich, it was the normalcy of it. Someone making you food without making you feel guilty for needing it, someone noticing it, noticing you.
Your mother used to do that.
The thought hurt, but not sharply, more like pressing gently against an old bruise. You picked up half the sandwich and took one bite.
Bucky pretended not to notice as he settled into the opposite end of the couch. Close enough that you weren't alone, far enough that you didn't feel crowded. Outside, waves rolled steadily onto the shore, the ocean sounded tired and so did you. For a long time, neither of you spoke, the coffee slowly cooled in your hand, the sandwich disappeared one absent-minded bite at a time. The silence did most of the work.
Eventually there wasn't anymore sandwich or coffee to hold you back or hide behind.
"I found her journals." The words landed softly.
Bucky looked over.
You kept your eyes on the ocean through the shutters.
"I wasn't looking for them. I just found them in the hallway closet."
Your fingers traced the rim of your mug.
"I read them." Another pause. "I don't think I was supposed to."
"You probably weren't."
A tiny laugh escaped you, barely there.
"I know."
The smile disappeared almost immediately.
"She was..." you struggled for the right word. "Scared."
The admission still felt foreign.
"My mom."
You shook your head slowly. "I didn't even know she could be scared."
You laughed again only this time it broke halfway through.
"I spent my whole life thinking she was..." your eyes drifted toward the ceiling, gravity pooling the tears at your waterline. "Invincible."
You remembered scraped knees, broken pipes, hurricanes and flat tires. Every problem had seemed smaller once your mother stepped into the room. She'd always known what to do. Or at least you'd believed she had.
"I used to think..." Your voice softened.
"If someone told her she couldn't build a staircase to heaven..." a tear escaped before you noticed it. "...she would've asked what kind of lumber they recommended."
Bucky smiled faintly. "I can picture that."
"So could I." You swallowed.
"But then I read them and..." your hands tightened around the mug.
"She wrote about being lonely." The word caught. "About missing me. About doctor appointments she never told me about."
The tears came quietly now, not sobbing, just exhaustion.
"She was afraid." You shook your head. "And I never knew."
The room blurred.
"I feel like..." you searched for something that made sense. "...I don't know what the truth is anymore."
Silence. The waves answered before either of you did, rolling endlessly against the shore.
"Does it matter?"
You turned toward him.
"...What?"
Bucky sat with his elbows resting loosely against his knees looking out the window.
"She was still your mom." His voice remained calm.
"Whether she was scared or lonely..." he glanced toward you. "Whether she was standing on top of a mountain acting like she had all the answers or sitting in the house by herself... She was still your mother."
The words settled gently between you. "Isn't that the only truth that matters?"
You stared at him. The answer didn't magically fix anything. Your mother was still gone, the journals still existed, the loneliness she'd hidden was still real. Nothing had really changed. But something inside your chest loosened, just a little. Your mother hadn't lied to you, she'd protected you, the same way she'd always tried to. Not because she was fearless, because she loved you no matter how scared she was .
The realization hurt, but differently, it was softer.
You looked back toward the ocean. Watched another wave fold gently onto the shore. Neither of you spoke, words suddenly felt unnecessary. Slowly, almost without thinking, you shifted across the couch. The movement was hesitant enough that Bucky noticed but he didn't move away, didn't tense or make it awkward. You rested your head carefully against his right shoulder, tentatively as though expecting him to pull away. Instead he settled firmly into the couch, letting his arm go lax for you. You expected him to freeze up but there was just the warmth of him, his steady breathing, the quiet rise and fall of another person existing beside you.
You hadn't realized how desperately you'd missed that. Not in the air of romance, simply being close to someone. Your eyes slipped closed and the sound of crashing ocean filled the room, the scent of coffee lingered between you, his flannel was warm where your cheek rested against it.
After a while, you spoke so quietly you weren't sure you'd actually said it aloud.
"How do you always know what to say?"
You felt his shoulder rise beneath your cheek as he laughed, soft and almost self-conscious.
"Wisdom from old age, I guess."
Your eyes opened just enough to look up at him.
"You are not old."
"I'm over a hundred."
You blinked. "Seriously?"
"Wanna see my ID?"
"...You're impossible."
"So I've been told."
A smile found you before you could stop it, small, sleepy and real. And this time you let it stay.
You stayed until the sky turned amber.
Neither of you noticed it happening, one moment the afternoon light stretched lazily across the hardwood floor, the next, long golden shadows spilled through the windows, turning the ocean outside into molten glass. At some point, the crushing weight in your chest had eased just enough for you to breathe without thinking about it.
Nothing had been solved. Your mother was still gone, the journals still waited for you back at the cottage, the hole she'd left behind still existed. But it didn't feel quite so endless sitting here. You found yourself studying Bucky from the corner of your eye. He wasn't trying to distract you, wasn't searching for advice or treating your grief like a puzzle with missing pieces.
He simply... stayed.
The realization arrived quietly, without ceremony, like another wave reaching shore. Somewhere over the last few months, Bucky had become the place your heart instinctively drifted toward whenever the waters grew rough. Not because he chased after you, because he never did. He simply left the porch light on, waited and trusted that if you needed somewhere to anchor... you'd find your way there.
The thought frightened you, not because it felt wrong but because it felt true. You'd promised yourself after your mother died that you'd never need another person again. Need meant loss. Need meant risk. Need meant someday standing in another empty house wondering how to survive. And yet... you'd driven here without even realizing it, your hands had chosen before your mind could argue. Your heart had apparently known long before you did where your port in the storm is. Or rather, who.
"I should probably get you home." His voice was gentle enough that it didn't disturb the quiet.
You nodded. "Probably."
Neither of you seemed particularly eager to move but eventually, you stood. Slowly you moved around each other with a strange familiarity as you gather your things and walked out to your truck, your legs already taking you to the passenger side. The drive back to your cottage unfolded in comfortable silence, the roads were still damp from the storm, puddles reflected the evening sky as the ocean glowed gold beneath the setting sun.
You rested your forehead lightly against the passenger window, not because you were tired. For the first time in god knows how long, you weren't bracing for what's ahead.
The truck rolled to a stop in your driveway. The cottage stood exactly where you'd left it, curtains still drawn, porch weathered by salt air with its still broken railing. Only now it didn't seem quite as lonely.
Bucky climbed out first.
By the time you'd reached for the handle, your door opened. He stood there holding it, one hand resting casually against the frame, the other extended toward you. No words, just the offer. You looked at his hand, then back at him and something inside your chest squeezed unexpectedly. The first time you'd taken his hand had been inside the hardware store. You'd expected awkwardness, but that warmth was something you'll never forget.
You slipped your fingers into his again, just like before. His hand was still warm and steady, strong without squeezing too tightly. The contact settled something inside you. He helped you down from the truck and neither of you let go immediately.
Your feet reached the ground and still your hand remained in his. A heartbeat passed, then another. Long enough that either one of you could've pulled away. Still neither of you did. You walked together toward the porch. The evening breeze carried the scent of saltwater and blooming jasmine from somewhere nearby as the boards creaked beneath your feet, the repaired railing stood proudly in the fading light. Eventually your fingers loosened reluctantly.
Halfway to the front door, you stopped.
"Thank you, Bucky." Your voice barely rose above the evening breeze, then you smiled, small and tender. "For everything."
He didn't answer right away. Just smiled back. The quiet sort of smile that always seemed to reach his eyes first. You wanted to say more. To say something but you couldn't find the words, maybe you didn't need them, he always seemed to understand.
You nodded lightly, stepping back to face the door when a quiet clink echoes on the porch. Your eyes follow the sound to see your necklace had slipped off. Both you and Bucky reach for it, your heads nearly colliding.
"Sorry." He stepped back, letting you pick the cord up from the ground.
You shook your head. "It's okay."
A brief look flashed across his face before he spoke up again.
"Here." He nodded toward the necklace. "Can I?"
You blinked.
"Oh." You handed it back almost automatically. "Sure."
You turned slowly, lifting your hair away from your neck. The evening air cooled the skin exposed beneath it. Then his fingers brushed lightly against the nape of your neck. You froze, not because the touch frightened you, because it didn't. It was impossibly gentle, careful. His knuckles barely grazed your skin as he gathered the leather cord behind your neck.
Your heart skipped once, yet hard enough that you wondered if he'd heard it. Something warm unfurled beneath your ribs, small at first then steadily expanding, something soft. Something frightening in an entirely different way.
His fingertips lingered only as long as necessary while he fastened the clasp. Then, just as gently he lifted your hair and carefully settled it back across your shoulders. His fingers slipped away and you turned back around.
Your hand found the necklace immediately, the sea glass rested against your collarbone cool from the evening air.
You traced it with your thumb.
"Thanks again. I really love it." The words escaped before you could overthink them.
Bucky looked oddly pleased. "I was hoping you would."
Another silence settled, neither of you seemed particularly interested in ending the evening. Until finally you took the first step.
"Goodnight Bucky."
"Goodnight."
You expected him to step back, to wave, to head toward the truck.
He hesitated, only for a second, then he stepped closer. Close enough that you could smell cedar and coffee lingering on his flannel. Close enough that you forgot how to breathe. He leaned down carefully, the air between you thin and warm and then his lips brushed against your forehead. A kiss so gentle it almost felt imagined, it lasted no longer than a heartbeat, yet somehow managed to quiet every racing thought inside your mind.
When he stepped back, he simply smiled then turned toward the truck leaving you standing motionless on the porch. One hand still resting protectively over the necklace. You watched him walk away, watched him reach the driver's door, watched him open it and only when he climbed inside did your feet finally remember how to move. You reached for the doorknob, then paused, a strange feeling tugged gently at your chest.
You glanced back one last time, across the yard, across the quiet evening.
Bucky had looked back too.
For one suspended moment, your eyes met across the distance. He smiled and so did you, him a little shyly, you a little helplessly. Then, before either of you could make too much of it you slipped quietly inside, your hand still on your chest holding the necklace against your heart.
As you walked back into the cottage there was a new tinge to the air, the windows were still shut and the dust still lingered and that old wood smell hadn't changed. But there was something different now. The cottage no longer felt like a place you were waiting to leave, it felt like somewhere you might finally begin living again.
And when you thought of Bucky, it felt dangerously like home.
bit of a random question, but what programmes / websites do you use to make your graphics!! they're all so nice ๐ซ๐ซถ
oh em gee! hiii!!
i use a mix of a bunch of different things! most everything (pngs and such) i find is either on pinterest or pexels! i use canva as the main hub/layout for everything, and photopea (starting to look into gimp) for custom stuff/recolors. ive started to dip my toes into procreate but thats mainly for my graphics page for dividers n such.
thank you so much! i spend entirely too much time on graphics so im glad that people like them!
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โข first writing event month!! bro... when i tell you this event had me STRESSIN i wasnt even worried if other people were going to do it i was so worried that EYE wasnt going to be able to participate in my own event lmfao but i did it and im so happy how it turned out and im so grateful to everyone who participated!
xoxo, junie
picnic blanket prompts โโ .โฆ
โคท bucky x reader
โข dial tone โ summer nights in brooklyn. one last night before war changes everything. and two people quietly falling apart over the possibility of goodbye.
โข a louisiana kinda love โ every other weekend, sam hosts a cookout at the docks. every other weekend, bucky pretends he isnโt looking for the same girl standing by the water at sunset.
serendipitous โโ .โฆ
โคท bucky x female reader
the universe has a funny sense of humor. it makes your life fall apart, sends you back to the hometown you never thought youd live in again, has you reverse your car into a complete strangers motorcycle. then decides hes going to become the person who teaches you how to love and live again.
writing stats - as of july 31st, 2026:
โบ total word count
โคท 19,376 | 33,822
why the two numbers june? well ill tell you! i, for once, thought ahead and decided to finish writing the series before i post it! who wouldve thought how productive that would be!! so the first number is whats been posted and the second is what has been written... does that count? no. do i care? no. is anyone gonna read this? no
โบ total drafts
โคท 60
i have lost count of this so many times and just went through my ellipsus and im still not even sure this is a 100% count but... yeah.. ive drafted up some old ideas and im just overflowing in it atp
โบ longest fic
โคท serendipitous
i dont think this counts BUT im choosing chapter one, coming in at 6,147 so... yeah
โบ most popular
โคท a louisiana kinda love - 837 total notes
the masses loved shy bucky AS THEY SHOULD hes so adorable and sweet i too love him im glad hes getting love
โบ next on the docket
some more series coming during my bday month! stay tuned
three characters i identify with
tagged by: @/goldiwrites
andre harris 2. ava coleman 3. squidward tentacles
#alwaysirritated....
my vibe - pinterest search โmy vibeโ and a color that you like, then select nine pictures that you find to be the most aesthetic.
tagged by: @phoenix-in-writing & @slutdier
lowkey lost the plot then found it and lost it again... imagine having to make a fic out of this... what would this even be
six non selfie photos in your camera roll
tagged by: @goldiwrites
theres four different states in these pictures... damn i move a lot LOL
ten songs on repeat
tagged by: @erina00
anxiety โ doechii
all i wanted โ paramore
turbo killer โ carpenter brut
tiber โ riah
normal girl โ sza
are we still friends โ tyler, the creator
switch โ osa
i dont care โ fall out boy
taijitu โ balloon animals
smoke โ jaehyun
how pinterest sees me - hair / animal / style / idol
tagged by: @/erina00
MEGAN MY QUEEN I BOW TO THEE
last sentence - rules: post the last sentence you wrote (fanfic / original / anything) and tag as many people as there are words in the sentence.
tagged by: @/goldiwrites & @jamesbbcrnes
The sea had made you beautiful for the same reason it had made sharks swift and anglerfish patient.
i told myself i wouldnt write anything for this idea... but the idea said NO WRITE ME so i had to