awooga

N e ways

I was seriously abused and sheltered and controlled growing up and I finally escaped and now I'm safe and it's just such a relief to be on the other side. At the same time it is extremely daunting. I don't know how to act in the world or how to interact either. People don't understand me and I wasn't educated so I struggle to help them understand me. Every single day I get up and struggle and every single day someone expects me to "do better" "be more" "have a better reaction". And as scary and vulnerable as that is. (Especially when I get in my head about it) I also have someone keeping me accountable. Someone to check me when I feel like I don't know how to check myself. Or even know WHEN. I had an awful therapist tell me some really bad advice and because I'm sheltered and gullible and easily advised I listened completely. I took every word literally and I ran with it. Now I feel stupid? But I'm literally a kid in an adult world figuring myself out and people are just so so mean. They aren't considerate, they don't care to think about others' perspectives, and they're extremely bad at manipulating??? Compared to the narcissistic, control freak I grew up with. The guy I was calling "father". Who demanded every request be met with a "yes sir" and no questions asked. He wasn't even fucking military. He just got off on the power. The ego trip and the confidence boost of "yeah I've still got it😎"

Literally just barf. Ew. It's so embarrassing to have a father that is STILL LIKE THAT. TODAY.