I'm a hazard to myself

What's wrong with you?

So let me explain what I am.

I'm severely depressed autistic person. Going with she\her, but he\his is also acceptable cause in my native i always talk about myself as 'he'. To be fair in my native it makes more sense, we have gender on verbs.

To be REALLY FAIR I apparently just don't have a gender, use anything you feel to use i literally can't care less.

I'm quite old - i saw people nowadays trying to cancel everybody in fandom who is over 22, so I'm ten+ years over and still here i am

When i need to feel anything i write fanfiction on buddie just because

I don't usually write nsfw or how is it called nowadays cause it's hard and my porn is emotions.

And yes, i'm @Elgcarres on AO3

Bonus points for those who knows what does it mean.

All fandom stuff would be with fandom tags accordingly

And btw, you can tag me everywhere. I can't promise I react immediately but i will. I like being included, really.

***

Tag list just in case

#ryu is going to hell - irl stuff, depression notes, funny stuff, stories etc

#ryu is eating glass - fandom related depression notes or wips or just general glass

#ryu is cooking stuff - pictures and notes of food cause I'm diabetic with ED i need this, also I'm fucking good cook and can give advices

#ryu is writing stuff - WIP, snippets, parts of fiction etc, cause ryu is writing stuff. Ryu - that's me.

#ryu is talking to people - something new in my life but if you somehow decided to ask me something or just say something and i won't die from instant panic - that's the tag

#ryu is playing dead - for different games we use to have here cause it's fun

‘Did you really start the fire in Topanga?’ Eddie shrugs still looking at the puzzle ‘I hope so? Athena thinks I'm trying to take the blame.’ ‘Are you? You're a firefighter after all…’ Finally Eddie raises his eyes on Bobby ‘Listen. I did the only thing I could. With a specific purpose. To start a fire. So no, I'm not taking the blame because I want to be blamed. I want to be the source of that fire cause it was my decision.’ Bobby inhales ‘You don't make it better…’ ‘Should I though? Bobby, what are you trying to ask?’ Bobby watches him assemble the picture for a minute. Then quietly says ‘Eddie. Did you try to kill yourself?’ ‘I certainly did. Next question?’

Taglist!

Eddie kisses Chris' temple and lightly pushes him from the bed to Buck holding his crutches. And waits till Chris closes the bathroom door behind him. Then looks at Buck. But Buck starts first ‘Listen. About the adoption. I have an appointment on Friday, it's like… tomorrow?’ Buck scoffs ‘I still don't really get why I need it if you're here’ Eddie looks at the wall behind Buck ‘At least - cause I don't have a credit card, driver license and ID to be a real father to my very much real son. Buck. It's… a precaution.’ ‘But when you get it back…’ ‘When I get it back, Buck…’ Eddie slyly grins ‘I’ll marry you in a blink of an eye. Then the adoption papers would make more sense to you, right?’ Buck blushes and bursts with laughter.

And classic, taglist. Hop on hop off, still effective on Monday

It grows bigger. Like 7k words bigger

And now it works as it should have been working all along!

So if you're interested - here's a sneak peak

‘Not your business. Why are you still here?’ ‘Why didn't you return any of my calls?’ Eddie smiles. Because, Evan. Just because. ‘Eddie… I want my tag back.’ ‘It's not yours. And back to the main question. Why are you still here?’ ‘Because you're here.’ Eddie nods and smiles. And that smile is twisted ‘I'm here, yes. I live here. Listen. Two days ago I was in the ocean. Three days - in the woods. And you know what? You weren't there. I checked.’ You weren't there, thinks Eddie, when I thought I just can't take it anymore. But you're here now. And, somehow, I still take it. Buck silently passes him a cup. That's coffee. And there's no cinnamon. Eddie hopes to like it. He tries to like it. He drinks it all. He hates it with all he has left in him.

Next chapter!

Eddie smiles again. Very sadly ‘Is it really you? Or…’ ‘Or?’ ‘You cooked waffles in my death dream… Did you really get me out?’ Buck freezes. He knows for sure what Eddie is talking about. After his coma he had a whole ritual to check the reality. So Eddie needs the same ritual. Something that proves he's really here. Something… He takes a step closer ‘I don't know much about your dream… but!’ Another step ‘You told me I was in love with Tommy?’ Another step. Now he's standing right next to Eddie ‘I’m obviously not’ Eddie grins ‘Good for you!’ Buck leans towards him and murmurs ‘You asked. Back in hospital. Remember? I didn't want it to be our last. I want it to be our first. It should… give you a hint.’ Buck sees Eddie's eyes widen and smiles a little before finally kissing him. Very lightly. At least it was his plan. He failed his own plan. Cause it's Eddie. It's finally him. Tastes a little like toothpaste - apparently, he spent some time before coming to the kitchen. And it's Eddie… Who doesn't move. Buck recoils so sharply he almost falls down.

And taglist. And yes. It's Monday so update day for our hop-on hop-off train of the story! You know what to do

I'm sorry! I'll make it up for you who reads me

Just a little later

I'll be writing fix-it about all this stabbing mess

I hope it won't be too dark but no promises. Stay tuned.

If someone would be interested - give me a hint

You spoke about found family so much through the series

And yet you totally forgot about having Eddie in your team

I get it, he's adopted.

But can I have 1(ONE) FULL STORYLINE ABOUT HIM?

I'm not asking like much.

But... It's not about you.

I mean, he's repressed catholic with catholic guilt who was STABBED IN CHAPEL FOR NOTHING

And WAS LOCKED IN THE ELEVATOR BLEEDING OUT

IN THE DARK

ALONE

‘There should be something! They didn't kill him, right?’ Elaine takes a minute pause. Then proceeds, very carefully ‘I'm not sure I'm right, of course. But… I'm afraid it's not a good sign. I'm afraid it's, actually, a very bad sign. It means they need him for some reason… and you should find out these reasons.’ Athena freezes. She doesn't think about it from that angle. But now, when Elaine brought it up it seems so logical… ‘I… how do you expect me to do it?’ She basically hears her captain shrugs ‘I don't know. Athena. You started it. I told you from the very beginning, we have nothing to do with it.’ ‘Yet, you got yourself into it pretty darn deep.’ Now there's a chuckle ‘More than twenty five years, lieutenant Grant, I've been working on protecting the law. And I should have been working on protecting the people. I'm running pretty late on that train but better late than never, right?’ Athena squints so hard it's painful. Yes. Better late… ‘I… can ask him, of course. But I'm pretty sure he won't tell.’ ‘I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter either… Thena.’ Elaine never calls her that. She never crosses the line between work and personal. What could possibly make her do that? Elaine slightly staggers on her words but keeps talking ‘We will try everything we can. But you have to understand, we're no more than a grain for the CDC machine. So… try to brace for impact because there's going to be one.’

https://archiveofourown.org/works/73748336/chapters/222465191

Taglist! I missed Monday so you missed Monday no updates!(I mean you can ping me and ask to jump off this train at this point I don't want to bother you)