I know that logically in order for me to not have a terrible day and actually do the things I need to do, I need to avoid thinking about Jayvik and specifically Coming Home (but not to you) and the epilogue for it.
But that's not fair to them, and I don't want to avoid thinking about them, that truly feels like the most evil thing I could do. And for what? my own mental wellbeing? That's selfish of me. And I enjoy being totally and completely consumed by media, that helps a part of my mental health too. But the guilt from letting everything else go weighs more than the hyperfixation, but also to my mind, that hyperfixation is more important than anything else. To my mind, truly appreciating and interpreting and enjoying and loving, and devoting all my attention and care to Jayvik and praising the amazing and wonderful and talented author of CHBNTY is the most important thing.
But alas, there are real people I have face-to-face contact with everyday that I also care about, who my actions and, more appropriately, my inactions will affect now. And Jayvik will always be there to cherish, and my compliments and praise will surely have the same effect even if they come a few days later.
But I already commented that I would have more to say later today.
I know, but they'll understand, honestly they probably haven't even seen it yet, and might not ever. They're getting a lot of truly deserved compliments and love. Even if they did see it already, they'll understand when I apologize for the delay. Honestly the apology is unnecessary but I know I'm going to write it anyway.
But in a few days I'm not going to be having all the same thoughts I'm having about it now, and these thoughts might be lost forever. And I need these thoughts, they matter to me. And I just had to pause writing this to handle something more pressing, and I've lost my momentum and this--and fuck I have do something else again.
And now itâs several days later and I have no idea where I was going. And Iâm sad about it.
Hey, Iâm gonna tell you a little secret. What? Even though itâs several days later, youâre still coming to the same thoughts you were last week. Maybe theyâre worded differently, or the cloud is vaguer, but thatâs only because youâre not entirely consumed by them right now, because youâre on the bus. But I want to be entirely consumed by them, and I feel guilty that Iâm not. I know. But in a way that guilt is entirely consuming. And when youâre not feeling that guilt, thatâs ok too. Jayvik will always be there. The author will be there. Every mention of the Czech Republic will remind you of Viktor. Every time you see the word hexagon youâll think of them. Every time you see hexbugs at the store. Every time you hear Cosmic Love. Every time anyone mentions 21 pilots. Every time you open Tumblr. You will have free time, you will have the time you deem long enough to commit to loving them. It might not be right now, but it will come. And they will be there.
