What compels people to post things on social media? When someone sees an article, what exactly is the motivation to click on the “share” button, write a neat little summary of your thoughts, tag friends who you think might like it, and press “post”?  It’s not much of a surprise that this is a mystery to me. Really, most things that people do are a mystery - and to live is to find our way out of that seemingly bottomless hole. Or is it the other way down - the more we know, the farther down the rabbit hole we get?  There’s a few sides that have led to my curiosity about this topic. On the widest level, you have the societal narratives about social media: waste of time, millennials, self-indulgence, social network, globalization, narcissism, hashtags, filters. You know, stuff about social media that you hear out there. On a personal level, I’ve seen multiple people talk about their own perceptions of social media. One of movements towards “consciousness” regarding it is the idea that it’s a person’s “highlight reel”: where they show off the best parts of their lives, and generally not the mundane, dreary, or downright sad. I find this perspective interesting, but it still doesn’t feel like quite a complete picture.  Before social media was created, people got along just fine. It’s not a need; people will live if Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram disappear overnight. And of course, it’s not difficult to understand the bigger picture of the *why*. Ask anyone and they’ll have their own motivations. Personally, I’ve been an advocate of keeping my Facebook account just for the sake of opportunity. If I want to connect with any one of my friends (who are on Facebook), it just takes a few clicks and a few seconds of typing to convey a message. It’s also a way of being personal without having to be *too* personal. You can “snoop” in on everyone else’s lives without actually putting in the in-person time. Efficient: that’s something we love in the 21st century, right?  I’m perplexed by why I do things, and why I don’t. If you’re my Facebook friend, you probably, well, haven’t noticed me on the site much. I really rarely post anything at all, and if I do, it’s something somewhat detached. Pictures of food, checking in at a location, maybe an article I found interesting. But for a site that’s so focused on yourself, I feel like the caveat is that you have to try at being myself at the will of thousands of other people.  That’s where the idea of the “composed self” comes in: the pictures that you post; the articles that represent your intellect; the comments that depict your opinions - whether you like it or not, it’s how everyone else sees you. Who cares about the intent of all of these things? We’ve all been there where we meet someone new, “Facebook stalk” them, and make some kind of qualitative judgment, whether conscious or subconscious. 

And yet if I don’t have any content on social media, where does that put me? Everything that I’ve done with friends is just a memory - which is a fine thing, which is how people have lived for ages - but in the end, *should* I make an effort to put my print on my narrative? After all, while past generations didn’t have a Facebook, they still had their own ways of depicting themselves. Anne Frank’s struggle lived through her diary; Beethoven’s personal strife resonates in his symphonies; the Brownings’ love endures from their love letters. And while none of the above were *social media*, they were social in the sense that expression was captured beyond our heads. 

You know that old paradox about if a tree falls alone in a distant forest and there’s no one to hear it? Expression that is created alone might not be inherently social. But it’s a transformation of the personal, which has the *potential* to become something felt in peoples’ hearts. After all, if just one person heard that tree falling, they themselves know it happened, and that is infinitely greater than the previous void. 

You know, sometimes it’s a little cathartic to just blame everything on racism.

And the next morning, you know it’s not true, but there’s enough resentment there to still be able to do the same in the future. 

There are times when my confidence depends on racial perspective.

Where is the line between indifference and self-assuredness?

At times I wonder when I’m bluffing confidence. And other times, I wonder if what I think is confidence actually comes across as insecurity. Rarely, I ponder if there’s actually no confidence on the outside at all, and it’s just for my own satisfaction. 

There’s only so far you can go off pretending you know where you’re going. 

...especially when the non-technical jobs that I apply for are in tech companies.

Not that there’s anything *inherently bad* about working in tech. I’ve just never particularly wanted to do that. But my desire to move out of living at home and the financial consequences of generally *not* working in tech in the Bay Area suggest an elegant solution to both my problems. 

I’m back! I don’t have the energy or time to do a hella long, detailed post. But just to summarize my past year and absence:

- Started my legal assistant / paralegal job at the immigration firm. Did that for 15 months or so.

- Got incredibly bored of it. Wanted something different and more challenging. Desired to be in a space hat wasn’t so confined. Wished for a work environment of more than 3 other people. 

- Quit on a whim and went to England, where I was in the chorus for a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta in an outdoor cliffside theater. Did all the actings and singings and dancings. Hung out with Brits and learned some of their quirks. Drank a lot of cider and gin/tonics.

- Traveled on my own for 5 weeks (including that musical stint). Learned a bit more about being alone and loneliness. Stayed in hostels. Made short-term friends. Wandered a lot. Visited an old friend. 

- Got to use my Spanish (ahem, Duolingo-assisted Spanish). Managed to get around without using much English - even though everyone would’ve understood my English more easily. 

- Met a guy October of last year. We hit it off. Been dating/boyfriends since then. First serious long-term relationship of my life. Many more thoughts on this for future posts. 

- Have somehow gotten a bit into watching basketball and football...who would’ve thought.

- Been doing more singing. Sung my first short solo piece in England. 

- Been getting back into running recently. Chugging away at that mile/9minute pace. That half marathon is in sight at some point, yeah? 

- Cooking is still good. Trying to do more “basics” and “staples”, as a result of being unemployed. 

- Still at home. Pros: free rent. Cons: living in the suburbs, parents on your case, living on the top of a hill in the suburbs, no interesting restaurants because of the suburbs. I sound like an entitled brat now, don’t I? (Really though, I hate the suburbs). 

- Connections. Human connections; emotions, touch, conversation, that *knowing look*, empathy. Instant “clicks”. Jigsaw pieces with people - I want to find others whom I click with! (grammar)

- Realness. No hiding behind facades. No half-truths an half-lies - just being honest, face-to-face. I feel like people live trying to cater to each other - including myself - and I don’t *want* to do this anymore. Can I be blunt? . 

- Depth: exploration of the unknown; taking chances into dangerous territory; striving to go further each time. I want to go into psyches, and I want people to dive into mine, like an undersea exploration into a trench, looking for new forms of life! 

- Validation. For I am only human, and I have my moments of weakness - same as everyone else. 

- Comfort. Feeling safe. Never being left alone. I expose my faults and struggles; sometimes all I want is something to hold onto. An anchor; some railing; a form of security. 

- What will people think of me writing a drunk post after a year’s absence? 

- How much should I really care about what Tumblr people think?

- Why do people care about what other people think of their social media posts? 

- I don’t want to work tomorrow. I fucking hate analyzing investment immigration business documents. 

- Who’s real in my life? I have all these friends and acquaintances...does it matter who’s close to me or who’s not? I assume it should, but I’ve constantly felt disappointed by both other people and by myself. 

- It would be an awfully sad existence to live solely based off oneself. Sure, I only know myself - that silly solipsistic existence - but that doesn’t mean I should only live with myself, right?