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@inarticulatehermit
I mean, Iām like working on shit. I really am. Iām trying so fucking hard. This stuff is so ugly and these parts of myself are so dark, and sometimes itās a lot. Sometimes I just need a break.
Todayās break was eating half a Costco sized bag of Doritos and then feeling shitty about doing that so then eating three nectarines in rapid succession (because thatās how health and nutrition work right????????).
I also picked at my face for like 20 minutes.
Oof.
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Emotionally unavailable person: *exists*
Me: āyo, I love you, letās get fucking gay married.ā
When you know thereās a difference between pain (an uncontrollable feeling that needs to be experienced and then moved past), and suffering (a purposeless state of being that prevents you from moving on from pain), but you still canāt pull yourself away. I had a difficult weekend of missing her. I canāt shake the feeling that ending it was a huge mistake. That we fucked the whole thing up. That she shouldnāt of let me go. That I shouldāve fought to stay.
My therapist would ask me what purpose those feelings serve. And I would say...
pretty shitty how baseline human activities like singing, dancing and making art got turned into skillsĀ instead of being seen as behaviors
so now itās likeĀ āthe point of doing them is to get good at themā and notĀ āthis is a thing humans do, the way birds sing and bees make hivesā.
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I dunno. I kinda feel like I went from, āI donāt deserve good things, and wow Iām so much of a mess that no one would want to be with meā to āI am literally the best, and no one deserves meā without losing the fact that I am still in fact a mess. The best mess. The best mess you wish you could have. I absolutely enter every space like Iām the hottest, raddest, messiest, best thing that ever happened upon said space.
Iām still terrified to be in a relationship again cuz man thereās so much fucked up shit that I let happen to me when Iām in one, but at least I feel really good about my choice to be actively single. Itās also letting me explore my own sense of desirability, and damn if that isnāt some game changing stuff for me.
in therapy my therapist and i were talking about my own feelings of self worth in relationships. and she asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, etc. and she saidĀ āyou named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you areā and y'all..my mind was blown thatās gonna stick with me forever like she then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about myself that she liked and thought anyone else would like as well and i hadnāt even considered those because like she said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person..goddamn!!! thats tea!!!
With this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. When people say the reasons that they love/like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them? Are they equating your worth with how much you do for them?
ex. āYouāre such a good listener. Youāre so generous, youāre so compassionate. Youāre always there for me. You always hold me down. Youāre reliableā
vs.
āYouāre so funny! Youāre very vibrant. Youāre creative, passionate, and intelligent. Youāre optimistic. Youāre so talented at ____ā , etc. I think thatās very telling.
This FUCKED relationships up too because once this hit me, I realized people can just be in love with the way you make them feel instead of who you actually are. ALWAYS pay attention to the last little āvsā bit there because it IS super telling
Am I the worst? Maybe. Do I feel like the worst? Most definitely. The past few weeks Iāve been carrying around this tension that makes me feel kinda sick all the time. When I do find moments where I can relax myself, I then notice that parts of my body are sore from the temporary relief in tension. Itās not the best place to be. I feel like I may give myself an ulcer soon.
Iām finding myself in a situation where Iām actively dating three people, and itās kind of a lot. Theyāre all amazing and beautiful women, and I feel really fortunate to be spending time with each of them, but at the same time...what the fuck am I doing? Thereās only one of them Iām sleeping with. Thereās only one of them I see a future with. Thereās only one of them that I feel makes me emotionally unavailable to the other two. And of course sheās the only one who is emotionally unavailable to me. She cares about me. Deeply. She said so herself. But sheās in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable to her. When we spend time together, itās great. Thereās a fuck ton of chemistry. The sex is the best Iāve ever had. There are so many things that are right about the two of us, and I honest to god believe it could be theĀ real thing. But sheās in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable to her...
Iām not in love with her, but I think itās best that I be honest with myself and admit that I do also care deeply about her and would like to have something exclusive and long term with her. So. Both of us are in tandem boats, and finding comfort in others where we can, because we arenāt getting what we want from who we want. Thereās a lot of caring between us. Weāve talked at length about our mutual admiration for each other. Thereās a level of sadness that carries through our time together though because we know the other person deserves better, and we know we ourselves deserve better. And yet, we keep at it and nothing changes.
And Iām perpetuating this awful situation/cycle by continuing to see these other women. Giving them the same choice I was given (stay and enjoy what it is, or walk away). I still donāt know that Iāve been making the right choice, but Iāve been making it and I gotta live with it. It felt really shitty today though to tell one of them that Iāve kinda been seeing someone for a few months. I definitely think she was surprised and a little saddened, which just...sucks. I kinda hate myself for it.
January has the potential to be really explosive. I have no idea whatās gonna happen next.
Hereās some hard to swallow pills thatāll probably make people upset but is 100% the truth and idc.
You do not have to stay in a relationship with a mentally ill person if it becomes too much for you to handle. You are not their saviour, thatās not your responsibility to save them.
Any person who uses their mental instability to control you staying is a shitty person. IE āif you leave me I swear to god Iāll kill myselfā, still not your responsibility, LEAVE.
Threatening self harm to get what you want is abuse, donāt ever let somebody treat you that way.
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i literally dont talk to anyone unless they talk to me first
Sex dreams about past crushes that never manifested as a means to cope with āwaitingā with current crush. BIG SIGH.
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Most definitely left the house this morning without taking a look at myself in the mirror, only to discover...in public...at IKEA...while shopping for mirrors...a very visible hickey.
Is there such a thing as overcommunicating your feelings? Help me. Dating is hard.
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Andy Heart
2018 has been a great year with regards to me feeling seen and validated. The year aināt over yet, but the top moment so far most definitely has to be when I told my best friend that my ex is finally in therapy, and her catholic ass yelled āTHANK THE LORDā.
