I think that a huge aspect of understanding Niall and feeling empathetic towards him is understanding how intoxicating Ruben REALLY is. When I see Niall and Alby together, I can’t help but smile. He’s obviously so good for him. Alby equals warmth, understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness. He’s a cozy blanket on a stormy day.
Ruben is everything but those virtues. But his presence is vibrant, overwhelming, seductive, drug-like, god-like. If you don’t let yourself be at least fascinated by him and a little tempted to excuse his wrongs, it becomes harder to imagine what it feels like to be in Niall’s skin. Let yourself fall for his game while still being aware he will be the fall of you. And you can’t help but oblige.
I highly recommend watching all the wedding scenes combined after the show. With all the context, it is so much sadder to watch the suicide jokes during the scene with Niall’s mother.
Niall knows he has a chance at a good and peaceful life, and despite that, the second Ruben arrives, he is just ready to give in to whatever he has in store for him - good or bad. It looks like some part of him hoped he would be killed in that barn. Maybe it was his own guilt speaking. However, I interpret it as his self-awareness that nothing will ever truly compare to his brother, and the toxic intensity they have, and that he will always remain unhappy without Rubens both physical and spiritual proximity. Exactly like a god or a father figure, he guides and protects him through life but also brings punishment. Even after all this time with Alby and after all his self-destructive attempts have failed, Niall still believes that his Ruben addiction is incurable and will lead to his demise one way or another.
Paraphrasing Richard, you need to want more of that drug before you realize it’s bad for you.
A truly tragic story
