Eldest Moonlit

When you get blocked by someone who you only just met, who noticed your blog and got interested in you, who answered your questions, only to block you thinking you wouldn't notice. I explained to him why I ask questions to anyone who follows me, and then I can't see his blog, indicating that I've been blocked. So much for never being hurt again. To the person who blocked me, if you somehow see this, know that you hurt me. I'm sorry if I was insensitive, but you could have at least told me that my questioning was too much even though it's part of a larger coping mechanism for me. By blocking me without warning, to be honest, you come off as just as bad as those who have blocked me without warning before. Am I just destined to be hurt over and over again by anyone who follows me? Especially through blocking me?

This is a huge reason why I prefer keeping to myself and more or less going unnoticed by most people. Here's hoping I'm not followed by anyone new from now on, because who knows when I'll be blocked by them? I'd rather endure loneliness than have people follow me only to block me and run away from me after even only a few minutes around me, because everyone does in the end. I've been too stupid and naive this whole time. Everyone runs away and leaves eventually, so don't bother following me back. I'll ask too many questions and then you'll just block me and run away. I had to choose between loneliness and enduring the pain of being blocked without warning by most people who follow me and go through my questioning. I choose loneliness, because it will be less painful.

You deserve someone who isn't okay with losing you.

For me, by the time it's March 26, I will have lost my former partner for a full three weeks, the same length of time we had together. I had hoped so much that we could have remained together in a relationship, working together to build a strong one, but my hopes were a fool's hopes. I have no hope of finding another partner, and I refuse to try. Because despite everything, I still love him and my wounds haven't even begun to start healing. How long must I bear this pain?

Who up feeling chronically unlovable?

Me. I want to sleep and never wake up again, because every time I wake up, I feel my heartbreak and grief resurge, but I unfortunately can't sleep all day. If only it was easier to believe that what I went through will pass, but it's not. Maybe I should just give up on my former partner, but I can't. I just want to not feel this pain anymore...

Is your soul okay?

Is your heart okay?

Not even close.

I'm also not even close. Nowhere near it. March 5 this year was when I suffered my break up, and here's hoping I can remain single for at least a decade, to not feel that pain again. My heart and soul are shattered and torn, my wounds either reopened or new. I'm pretty sure I'm still bleeding out. This will be a true long night, falling without a star with no end in sight.

If there is such a place, I am yet to find it. I feel as though I've hit a point. I don't know if I'm capable of opening up to someone again. I don't want to get hurt or cause anyone pain.

That is me now. Having just broken up with my partner, that's the state I'm in. It may have been a mutual separation, but I'm still unwilling to open up again. He felt the separation was best, but I personally had hopes for possibly trying again years later if it took that long. Well, I guess I'm back to writing posts as a single woman again, and possibly staying single this time around to avoid the pain of heartbreak once more. My soul and heart have been shattered and torn, broken, bleeding, and wounded. Wounds reopened, new ones added. Even if a decade were to pass, I should probably spend it destroying whatever hope is left in my heart and soul and never let my guard down again. This will hold me prisoner, and a long night has fallen without a star, with no end in sight...

Better to admit you walked through the wrong door than spend your life in the wrong room.

I've been in the wrong room so many times in my life that I've begun to doubt that I belong anywhere.

Me too. Despite having my parents, my close friends, and my acquaintances, the number of times I've been hurt by men in the past has caused my doubt to grow. Especially because they all happened at a time when trying to survive as a neurodivergent woman in a neurotypical society has only grown harder. And with a recent encounter I never thought would happen, I can't help but wonder if fate is purposefully toying with me without any care for what I feel and my emotions...

I don't understand today's superficial world.

I may have spent almost 24 years trying to survive in today's neurotypical society, but even now I don't understand it entirely. Seeing as how the rest of my life will probably be me continuing to try to survive with all I have, this might not change...

Don’t shorten your words, I like your details

The problem is, I never know if anyone I talk to even likes my details except for my closest friends. With how terrible I am at reading people, at socializing, how do I know unless I'm directly told?

I often feel as though I was born into a society to which I do not belong.

My daily life in one sentence. Neurotypical society was never built for neurodivergent people including myself. Neurodivergent people are often forced to adjust to neurotypical society by sacrificing our needs and survival methods, but always, every time, neurotypical society fails us. I've become jaded to the point where I don't expect neurotypical society to adjust to me anymore.

As a neurodivergent woman on the autism spectrum, I've felt both. I've felt intense joy, intense sorrow, because people on the spectrum feel their emotions intensely. I can't say which is worse, because despite feeling my emotions very intensely as someone on the spectrum, feeling no emotion has often vacillated between painful but sometimes liberating, because sometimes not feeling emotion helps me realize that someone I don't miss is not worth my time.

„Wanting to feel wanted is the loneliest feeling ever.“

I am way too familiar with this feeling. To the point where I no longer hope for a lot of things, but especially romantic love. To me, they're false hopes, a fool's hopes. I don't know how else to cope...

I confuse people. i have a happy personality and a sad soul. i'm bold but shy. i love deeply but sometimes i feel heartless. i'm healing and hurting at the same time. i'm dedicated to growth, but i self sabotage

While I'm not exactly happy on the outside, but often stoic and cold unless I'm with my close friends, I am definitely sad inside. Otherwise, this quote often fits me like a glove. My neurodivergence forces me to try to survive in a society that does not adjust to my needs. Despite my friendships, I remain scared that something, anything, might happen. And I remain afraid that all the bright, precious things will fade so fast, and they won't come back...

To be real is to be lonely.

This is honestly true. I often feel lonely even around my closest friends because it's such a strong feeling. I use up so much energy trying to survive the day as a neurodivergent woman in a neurotypical society that loneliness is often felt strongly. I also chose that a long time ago because for me, it's easier to deal with the pain of that than the pain of crushed hopes and broken dreams.