Eldadarkheart

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)

my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)

my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)

me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

DON’T

EXPOSE

MY KID

TO THAT CRAP

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT

IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

are you fucking kidding

i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for

my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences

my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

are you fucking kidding

Math Camp for Lakota Girls

Eight years ago an idea was whispered to my heart to start a math camp for girls here on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. This year for the 8th annual camp, my husband, Keith Janis, and I are dreaming big to bring 20 Lakota girls ages 10-12 along with 10 Lakota youth volunteers to their sacred Black Hills for a week of camping, culture, math, buffalo, swimming, and so much more! My name is Jennifer Janis and I am a mom of 6 and a math/science teacher at Little Wound Middle School.

Let’s lift these beautiful Lakota Girls up high this year and gift to them the best memories of their life. Together we can do it for them and for God. We have received the word from Borderlands Spiritual and Educational Center this morning that we will need to raise 3,500 dollars for use of their facilities for this years summer enrichment camp for our beautiful Lakota Wincincala’s this July 23-29 at Pe'Sla in the Sacred Black Hills. Please share this post and contribute what you can towards this years camp. Pe’Sla is fundamental in Lakota History to women–it’s there where the seven sisters spirits were raised up into the heavens by the Star Maiden at the time this sacred site got it’s namesake. 

we already know that 

straight people are the problem 

stop! just stop. eat the special snack. drink the expensive hippie tea. use the incense or the bath bomb or whatever you paid way too much for because you were feeling really bad and retail therapy makes u feel alive

when we save things for special occasions/rainy days it contributes to us feeling like A.) our day to day existence is lackluster and B.) you have to be feeling a certain level of Bad, or have to reach a certain level of Socially Accepted Achievement, to enjoy things

just give yourself stuff. there are definitely sometimes reasons to withhold things from yourself - as motivation, if it’s something you consciously want to use sparingly, etc - but at least for me half the time it just turns into self-flagellation and also cool things and cool experiences and nice treats just collect dust while i wait for some fabled day when i convince myself i finally Deserve it

another zine piece, with the theme “time and ageing”!

So where can you start? Maybe we can look at other female Neoclassicism/Academics, Impressionists, and Modernism/Post-Impressionists/Expressionists, and  (styles most popularly seen in the late 19th and early 20th century)—the movements of art I’ve noticed to be most popular on Tumblr. Many of these artists fall in and out of various styles, so I’ve tried to put them with the style they most closely worked within.

Neoclassicism/Academic:

Camille Claudel

Rosa Bonheur

Enid Yandell

Elizabeth Jane Gardner

Impressionists:

Berthe Morisot

Mary Cassatt

Eva Gonzalès

Marie Bracquemond

Lilla Cabot Perry

Olga Boznańska

Lucy Bacon

Anna Boch

Modernism/Post Impressionists/Expressionist:

Suzanne Valadon

Zinaida Serebriakova

Victorine Meurent

Romaine Brooks

Emily Carr

Sigrid Hjertén

Gabriele Münter

Charlotte Salomon

Paula Modersohn-Becker

Or artists who were not white?

Neoclassicism/Academic:

Eugene Warburg

Leandro Izaguirre

Impressionists:

Henry Ossawa Tanner

Edward Mitchell Bannister

Joaquín Clausell

Francisco Romano Guillemin

Kuroda Seiki

Kume Keiichiro

Moderism/Post-Impressionist/Expressionist:

Dr. Atl (Gerardo Murillo Cornado)

Norman Lewis (Also a part of the Harlem Renaissance)

Charles Alston (Also a part of the Harlem Renaissance)

And specifically women of color?

Neoclassicism/Academic:

Edmonia Lewis

Impressionists:

Kiyohara Tama

Modernism/Post Impressionists/Expressionists:

Pan Yuliang

Amrita Sher-Gil

Elizabeth Catlett

Frida Kahlo

Augusta Savage (Also a part of the Harlem Renaissance)

Meta Vaux Warrick Fuller (Also a part of the Harlem Renaissance)

I figured out that one episode of “Welcome to Night Vale” is about 20 minutes. Which means I can clean while listening, take a 10 minute break, and then listen to another episode while I clean. And so on into eternity.

The City Council should be pleased.