i'll stare directly at the sun

FULL NAME: Elaine Josephine Archer NICKNAMES: El, Lainey ZODIAC SIGN: Capricorn DATE OF BIRTH: January 3rd, 1966 JOB: H.A.H Junior Board Member/Heiress MAJOR: Marketing SEXUALITY: Lesbian BIRTH ORDER: Only child PETS: None CHARACTER INSPIRATION: Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl), Leighton Murray (TSLOCGs), Regina George (Mean Girls), Rachel Greene (Friends)  AESTHETICS: extravagant ball gowns, mascara stained cheeks, sparkling wine, cherry red lips, screaming into your pillow at night, unsent letters, smiling through the pain, whispered secrets, foggy sunday mornings, 2am phone calls, fresh manicures, cracked mirrors, lemon and lavender perfume 

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What had she always been? The secret or the secret-keeper? From Lux to strangers at night to Elaine… Both, she believed. Both, she knew. It should have hurt more than it did. It should have felt as though they were ashamed to be seen with her. But she had grown wiser since the Wonderland Dance. Lux had not been ashamed. Strangers had not been ashamed (at least, not with her in specific). Elaine was not ashamed. They were frightened. It was an unforgiving world filled to the brim with unforgiving people – it had been an easy lesson to learn. And, at her worst? She did not even believe the strangers deserved the flack they would get if their secret came to light. (Perhaps she was a bit saner now, a bit cleaner. Perhaps she knew now – knew that they would deserve the scorn from their wives or husbands or partners. But they felt nothing short of generous at the time. She fixed herself.) If the Archers were to learn, Elaine would be ousted as quickly as Alice had been. And Elaine’s path had been mapped out even more than Alice’s had been. How lost she would be. How terrifying to navigate their sick world alone. (And perhaps Alice liked to believe she would not be alone… but there was a hint of realism about the situation. There would always be one great love in Alice’s life, one so hard to let go of, and how hard it was to accept that that love was not human.) How Alice would pray for her if she still dared to enter the church. How she would wonder, standing together, lights accentuating a silhouette, why she was to be an exception.  Handgun on the table, one shot if you’re able. Freedom – it was horrifying. Freedom to map everything out. Freedom to fit an unsavory narrative, unwritten at a young age. Freedom to listen, freedom to learn, freedom to pretend. Freedom to find romanticization in the release of Janis Joplin, in the release of Jim Morrison, in the release of Jimi Hendrix. Freedom to find romanticization in the release of Sylvia Plath, in the release of Virginia Woolf, in the release of Louis Adamic. A life of art. A life of hedonism. A life of tragedy. Who was she to be? Who was she to follow? A bathtub, maybe. A hotel, perhaps. A trailer, even. Free to get away. Free to turn her back. Free to leave whenever she so pleased, leaving no legacy behind. Free to leave whenever she so pleased, leaving no stone unturned. Free to leave whenever she so pleased, leaving few disappointed.  Who would be there? A secret. Who would be there? A secret-keeper.  Terror it could cause. Terror it had caused.  Who had been there? Would it ever be purposeful? A secret. Who would know if it was? A secret-keeper. No one. What light Christmas thoughts! “But it can’t be.” Resolve. They could not live their lives hanging by the delicacy that was hope. The hope that Elaine could reach freedom; the hope that Alice could reach control. An ever-present duel. A tragic duel. “But…” the following proposal would be tentative, not one she expected Elaine to accept – but if there was so much as a 1% chance that she would accept, that they could spend that night together… what was there to lose? “Mac and I really went to town with the Christmas decor in our apartment – y’know, if you wanna check out how the other half is living.”

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It wasn’t like Elaine wanted to keep things a secret. It wasn’t like she wanted to play pretend with Zev and hide who she really was, what she really wanted. But she had long ago accepted that her own feelings were to be pushed aside, that what her parents wanted- demanded, would always come first. There were brief moments when she thought about breaking free. With Casey... with Lux. But Casey would have blended in eventually, Augustus would have dressed him up in a suit and stuck him somewhere, just the way Hargrove was now. With Lux, it was clear that she’d have to make a choice... love or her life. What a difficult choice that had been, countless hours tossing and turning and agonizing over the decision. 

But Lux had shown her that love wasn’t enough, not enough to make someone stay and not enough to break away from the path that had been chosen for her. She felt crushed under the weight of her ex-girlfriend’s absence, even after all the time that had passed. It felt like it would never end, like no matter what happened there would always be a piece of her that disappeared with Lux. She never wanted to feel that way again, never wanted to give herself away enough to let someone break her. So maybe that would make everything easier- marrying a man one day, living a life she didn’t want. At least the makeshift stitches keeping her bruised and broken heart together would stay intact. 

But there was Alice. Alice who had snuck her way under Elaine’s skin so stealthily that she hadn’t recognized it until now. Alice who Elaine caught herself thinking about far too often. Alice who overwhelmed her, who sent her running when it all felt like too much, and calmed her just the same. 

But it can’t be. And it couldn’t. And it wouldn’t. 

If the Archers hadn’t arranged a jet to take them away that night Elaine would have declined, would have turned cold the way she so often did. It was an instinct, a defense mechanism that she couldn’t break free of. But Elaine would be leaving to an empty home anyway, and waking up on Christmas morning next to Alice’s warmth rather than the chill of her empty home was enticing. Still, she hesitates for a moment, wondering if Mackenzie would pass the word along to anyone that Elaine had spent the night there. 

There’s a sick twist in her stomach when she asks, guilt for the thought, the feeling it must cause. It was a necessary evil, protection, walls, caution. “Mac wouldn’t... tell anyone, would he?” 

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A hint of tragedy to it, yes? Alice had never been destined for anything as important as the H.A.H. – never destined for a life where control forced upon her would flip to her being the enforcer. She had had a map laid out in front of her, endgame being some sort of success in curating a good Christian nuclear family – two and a half kids, picket fence, golden retriever in an ascot, tire swing in the backyard, husband calling ‘Honey, I’m home!’ as she finished with his meatloaf and apple sauce, children sent off to Ivy leagues, etc, etc, etc. It had never been directly said – discount Tammy Faye alternated between the illusion of fate and free-will, prompting great confusion.  Better yet, prompting great submission.  In a way, she could offer a thank you to Lux, as terrible as she wound up being, for the torment. Had it not been for the break, the snap, a life she did not desire would still lie ahead and she would be none the wiser. She would be where Elaine stood, looking over her shoulder to ensure she was not suspect. She would not be allowed to be herself, even if she still did not entirely know who herself was. At least she had the chance to find it. But near absolute freedom at such a young age? It drove to an area of absurdity. Edward Albee, Samuel Beckett, Jean-Paul Sartre – an absurd character, one who could speak fast in a setting as normal and depressing as Virginia Woolf, one who could wait to fall prey to some unknown force such as Godot, one who could wait for torment with No Exit. Oh, if only Godot would come around. If only the sense of purpose he or it distilled in the two men who kept returning would come around. Would offer that same sense. But The Boy came around every night instead, announcing that Godot would not be able to make it.  Absurd freedom. Absolute control. Which was worse? Freedom to explore. Path to success. Freedom of danger. Path of safety. It was only in looking at the lights, so splendid and sparkling, that there was an answer: absurd freedom. It did not beat absolute control, not every time. But it allowed identity. It allowed the freedom to leave off on ‘Beautiful.’ In the moment she and Elaine stood, illuminated by lights that could rival Times Square (so she assumed), Alice could say ‘beautiful’ and leave it at that. She could compliment the beautiful woman beside her, she could tell her what she thought: she was gorgeous, her silhouette accented against the bright lights, features so often hidden behind the distraction of all others… But Elaine brought with her the control that Alice had managed to escape.  At times, it was worth it. “They’re gorgeous. Breathtaking.” Code, of course. “I haven’t seen lights this… magnificent in at least four years. Only those balls, y’know?”

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Elaine had never really been sure of who she was, never stopped to think about it really until Casey came along. Their relationship was the first real thing she’d ever done wrong, the first step she’d taken outside of her parents’ grip. It must have been why she’d found it so exhilarating, why she’d been addicted to the feeling, why she risked it all for a taste of freedom. She loved Casey, of course, she still did. She was still convinced they were some kind of soulmates, though now she knew it wasn’t of the romantic sort. And even then, she hadn’t truly been herself, because if she had been nothing would have happened between them in the first place. 

Lux had been like seeing the sun after a lifetime underground- though Elaine still hasn’t been able to determine if knowing it was there is better or worse. What was the use of knowing the warmth of the sun when you were doomed for the dark and cold? When the only time you could be yourself was under the cover of night? And there would be a time where even that would have to stop, when she’d have to settle down and get ‘serious’ and put everything she wanted aside for everything she was expected to do. 

She still wasn’t sure, but it didn’t really matter right now, did it? “Yeah, I know,” she lets her words hang in the air for a moment, eyes focused on Alice for a beat too long for two people who were just friends. She wishes they were anywhere else than Cherry right now, bathed in these lights somewhere far away from everyone they knew. Because then she could have pulled Alice in closer, kissed her... something more romantic than just smiling and nodding like an idiot. 

When she finally pulls her gaze away she’s not sure what to say, not sure what to do or what move to make next. She’d never exactly been earnest, especially not with Alice, not when she flinched back every time she got too close to their flame. But in the spirit of Christmas... “I wish...” that I could kiss you, that we didn’t have to hide, that I wasn’t so scared of feeling something for you, “That it wasn’t like this.” 

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“God, if only you’d been around to save me from Diane telling the same losing her bags on the trip to Spain story she’s told me probably a hundred times,” he spoke through his grinning teeth, a trick he’d all but mastered over the course of his relationship with Elaine. Being able to look like you were a sweet, happy couple while actually bitching about everyone around you was essential. “Honestly, I feel kinda bad for Crystal. It’s not her fault that apparently her husband’s… less than ideal genes are clearly dominant. This’ll be kid number… four? God, their nanny deserves a raise.” Zev scanned the room as he stood beside her. Someone, somewhere was watching them, that was a given. Elaine’s parents, his parents, the damn Hollys. That was why they did this, but god did it get exhausting sometimes. “Ugh, no, let’s wait for something extreme to stage a spat. I can survive a holiday party.” 

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“Oh my god, that was like five years ago. We get it, Diane! You lost your Cartier watch that was fake anyway.” Man, she hated Diane. And Larry. And Crystal. And pretty much everyone that worked in the office. They were all a bunch of suck-ups, gunning for promotions they’d never get and whispering about how Elaine, Harvey, and Danny would ruin the company one day out of jealousy. Sure, they were all nepotism babies- but they’d been putting in the work since they were born, goddammit! “It’s Crystal’s own fault for picking that guy. She should have thought about it a little harder before she married for money. Our hypothetical future children Zev Jr. and Augusta would be beautiful,” not that she was ever planning to take this thing that far, “Evelyn has already started making room in the photo album.” 

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Elaine saw an Archer.  After the time they spent together, for better or for worse, Alice could tell the difference between indifferent and in danger. It was not merely for the fact that she had once felt the same – dark nights spent intertwined with Lux, bright days spent being nothing more than friends. For Lux’s sake. For her own sake. They were not always amongst an open and forgiving crowd. And, while Alice no longer had a place in her heart for such worry? While Alice had lost everything she could have from it? While the levity of openness had been worth more than one blow-up? The same could not be said for Elaine, still scrutinized – and expected to be someone, at that. Such was the fate for all first-born H.A.H. kids, yes? Thus, she finds it more than acceptable if Elaine chooses to turn a shoulder. She had to go find her very straight, very heterosexual boyfriend! Zev and Elaine, the least homosexual people in the world! – But, much to Alice’s surprise, she does not leave. She does not turn entirely cold. She doesn’t even try to end the conversation, rather simply redirect it – go off of Alice’s offered receipt! “That’s not much of a surprise,” she replied with a light shrug. Oh no, it sounded like she was richphobic! “It’s a dying breed, hence why that receipt will be worth a lot one day.” Wow! Maybe Elaine could live off her Howard Johnson’s receipt money and not have to worry about all of the H.A.H bullshit! – Ah, but such was not her fate! The sins of the father trickle down and all that. The blood turns to poison. An absurd life of freedom or a bitter life of control? Which was better, who could say. But compare and contrast Alice and Elaine in some decades – perhaps the answer would lie within. But she comes back around.  It isn’t unlike Lux, save for Elaine… not torturing them (probably). The swings, the uncertainty of her standing, the secrecy, the silver to Casey or Harvey or XYZ’s gold. The addiction.  And, quite frankly? She hadn’t seen magnificent lights since she had left discount Tammy Faye. Christmases after that? Rather bleak. They didn’t tend to be terrible (save, perhaps, for the previous year’s), but they were grey. “So that’s what I’ve been missing!” She hadn’t come to the holiday party to subconsciously maintain and rebuild friendships! She hadn’t come to the holiday party to restore a sense of stability! She had come to the holiday party because, just a block away, there were lights to rival that epic DSOTM Pink Floyd laser light show! Tone dropping to something a bit more serious, a bit more sentimental, she continued, “I would love to check them out. – But you’ll have to lead the way.” Perfect. Totally platonic but also totally not! This was how you did it, kids!

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The Archers were a lot of things. Ambitious, cold, egocentric... it was safe to say that no one would ever describe them as forgiving. That kind of upbringing had led Elaine to where she was now, always looking over her shoulder, afraid to make even the tiniest misstep. She still hadn’t heard the end of the Harvey-Casey thing, despite the years that had passed and her ‘relationship’ with Zev. Of course that would never be good enough, because Zev wasn’t the best Hargrove- or technically a Hargrove at all and the Archers were nothing if they weren’t at the top. And then there was the guilt. The hours she spent in the church, praying for forgiveness, praying to wake up as someone different. She wanted everything that had been planned for her, the house with the picket fence and the beautiful children and the perfect husband. Or at least... she wanted to want it. 

There’s the smallest amount of relief as they slip into the cool air of the night and the sound of the party softens with each step they take. Nowhere near as much as when they’re in the safety of Alice’s apartment, when she can pull down the mask enough to let parts of herself slip through. Of course, she’d been nervous at first- but threatening Mackenzie with bodily harm if he told anyone how often she was there was enough to settle that fear. Besides, he was dumb enough to believe they were just gals being pals! They may be away from the party, but they’re still in Cherry, and there’s still eyes everywhere. One rumor that she liked girls and she was sure her parents would lock her in her bedroom and throw away the key. 

All that to say, Christmases with the Archers were never the warm affairs Elaine saw on TV. Her parents often took advantage of the days off and took a trip, leaving Elaine at home with whichever nanny hadn’t quit yet. There were extravagant presents of course, but they couldn’t fill the hole in her heart that grew bigger each year. And had all but doubled in size since Harvey stopped showing up every Christmas morning. There was no Harvey, no Lux, and at nineteen there was no need for a nanny, which would leave Elaine... all alone this year. But at least she always had the Christmas card, at least when her family’s smiling faces looked back at her she could pretend they were as happy as they looked.

It was obvious that Elaine hadn’t thought this through, because if she had she would have accounted for the fact that the lights would be bright enough to illuminate Alice. And she would have known just how weak in the knees that would make her, how out of breath she would feel. “Beautiful,” it’s involuntary and she nearly chokes on it, clearing her throat, “The lights... I mean. The lights are beautiful aren’t they?” 

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There was just something about Elaine. Like when he looked at her it was as if looking through a glass window into the past. All he could see was the three of them. She, Harvey, and himself shoved in a room expected to get along simply because an adult had told them too. He saw the first girl he’d ever developed any kind of real feelings for. And the first and only person to have ever truly broken his heart. Not that she was truly aware of any of this. Nor would she ever be if he could help it. But it made the teasing that much easier. “You know I have heard that success is an acquired scent. Takes some time to really get used to it. I wouldn’t expect you to be there just yet considering the company you choose to keep. But nevertheless how is that farm your family runs doing? I imagine things are probably a little dry this time of year.”

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Elaine has thought long and hard about what her life would look like had her father found Danny to be a better match for her than Harvey. Because when it came down to it, the choice he seemed to resent her for had never been her own at all. Not that she really understood the real reason it bothered him so much. Harvey had always been soft and sensitive where Elaine was cold and calculated, her and Danny had that in common. Maybe she wouldn’t have broken him so easily, maybe it would have worked, maybe she wouldn’t wake up every morning with a pit of guilt in the form of Harvey and a Lux-shaped hole in her chest. Maybe she never would have uncovered the part of herself that she so desperately wanted to hide. 

“Much better than the two-hundred foot eyesore your family runs, thanks so much for asking,” how lucky for both of them their fathers weren’t in earshot, “If you’re going to stand here and bother me could you at least make yourself useful and get me a drink?” 

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Alice hardly remembered how it had begun… which made sense. There were plenty of important things she had forgotten, entirely addled for a year and then some. But she remembered how it felt, and that was the most important part. It had been a betrayal. A betrayal against a woman she no longer loved; a betrayal against the God she would not be able to fully drill out of her mind until His friend took His place; a betrayal against Elaine, for she was just another in a long slew when she certainly deserved better; a betrayal against herself, being an exception.  And betrayal had always been so intoxicating. Was it any wonder that she came back? Was it any wonder that she came back when, logically speaking, harm was being done to no one but themselves? Betrayal. Secret. Exception.  The cruelty of Lux could not compare.  “You mean you don’t want a crumpled receipt from Howard Johnson’s? Unbelievable…” What a tragedy! …Not that Alice hadn’t gotten Elaine a gift, rather that Howard Johnson’s was dying out.  Alice was aware of the company they were in. Aware that the Archers were somewhere to be found. Aware that their friends were scattered about. But how could she resist such a perfect fake opening? In as hushed as tone as she could manage, she raised an eyebrow and replied, “I’m sure there are plenty of bedrooms in this house.” Then, to recover – to leave off on a note that, with anyone else, would not be offered: “Though if that doesn’t work out… that Howard Johnson’s receipt will be worth a lot of money one day.”

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Lux had made a permanent home in Elaine’s mind from the very first kiss. Even now, with how much time had passed since their breakup, Elaine is searching for her everywhere. Every move she makes is influenced by her and her absence and all the love Elaine no longer knew what to do with. Sometimes she feels like it’s all a bad dream, like she’ll suddenly wake up gasping for breath in Lux’s arms. She wants more than anything to forget, and then again she’s afraid to let go of the memories. Because then what does she have left? 

Somehow, it all goes away when she’s alone with Alice. It’s a weight lifted off her chest and exhaling a breath she didn’t know she was holding. It pulls her back into the other woman’s arms over and over again, searching for those little fleeting moments of bliss. Because of course Lux always sneaks back into her mind, along with the guilt of losing herself in someone new. Not that she owed Lux anything, not after all the pain she’d caused Elaine, and certainly not after she left without so much as a goodbye. 

She’s about to reply when she catches her father’s eye across the room. It’s in that moment that she realizes she’d subconsciously leaned into Alice, and it’s only a second before she’s straightening her posture. “I um- I don’t think I’ve ever actually been to a Howard Johnson’s.” 

How easy it was for Elaine to go from hot to cold. How typical of her to not be able to finish what she started. The difference tonight is that she wants to run toward Alice instead of away from her, and how she’ll pray for that feeling not to last. Her father’s focus has shifted elsewhere and still she feels like she’s crumpling under it, and now her own eyes are shifting all over the party- had anyone heard them?

“I heard the people around the block have lights you can like- see from space or something. Wanna check ‘em out?” 

“Obviously,” Zahra replied, her lips curling into a grin. This party was a total bore, as expected, and Elaine’s threat was potentially the most exciting thing that’s happened so far. Hard not to be entertained, frankly - and here she’d been concerned that the plastic smiles and politeness and general H.A.H vibe would rob her of an Elaine that knew how to have fun for the evening. She linked her arm through Elaine’s and did a quick scan of the party to send Danny a warning glare just in case (there was a decent chance he would either not notice or be baffled by it, but you couldn’t blame a girl for trying) before focusing back on the blonde beside her with a playful glint in her eye.

“So, can I hit on you? ‘Cause I don’t wanna get pushed into the punch bowl when I compliment your hair - love the look, by the way - the stains would be a total nightmare,” she continued, keeping her tone light. It went unsaid that Elaine would get dragged down with her if any pushing was attempted, of course.

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Elaine could never decide if having her friends around at things like this was better or worse than not having them around. On one hand, there were more people she actually enjoyed conversation with, enough to keep herself looking busy enough that H.A.H’s business associates left her alone. But having people who knew her, really knew her in close proximity to her parents had always put her just a little on edge. How many slip ups would it take to raise the Archer’s suspicions? For them to look a little deeper into their only daughter’s recreational activities. 

And still, Zahra’s arm through hers relaxes her the tiniest amount. Or at least, it does until the comment about hitting on her. On a normal day, she’d indulge, but with her parents so close by? She was paranoid enough as it was. “Yeah- thanks,” she says as she unhooks herself from Zahra, “But I don’t think my boyfriend would be too happy about it.” 

who: @elainexarcher what: it’s that one scene in Our Flag Means Death where Blackbeard tries to blend in at the aristocratic party. That’s the best way I can describe it. where: in the backyard of the holly party!

If he listens hard enough - over the hubbub of conversation - Casey can just about make out the pianist playing the chords of a bouncy holiday tune from indoors. He’s long since snuck out the backdoor. Wanting the retreat of the cool air on his face and - if he’s honest - avoiding the clammy feeling in his palms as he doesn’t quite know how to work his way into a conversation between the adults.

“I dunno how you do these,” he grumbles, looking over at two middle-aged Cherriots as they clink their glasses together and laugh in upper-class. “I know I never got it but it feels like the older we get the more I don’t understand about… whatever they’re doing. Like, honestly, half of these people might as well be speaking in, I dunno - Latin as far as I’m concerned.” And maybe it’s just the HOH internship decision that lingers above his head - the thought of potentially blending in with the who’s who and having to actually engage at events like this - but there’s a mixture of sympathy and intrigue in his eye as he glances at Elaine. Like he’s simultaneously sorry for the fact she’s had to be caged in to something like this … and yet desperately seeks the answers to how he could blend in seamlessly. If he wanted. If he chose to. “How do you do it? Y'know, all these events… does it ever feel easier?”

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Elaine has never thought about it too much, how to act and what to say at things like this. Mostly, because she’d never known anything else. There wasn’t a time in her life where she wasn’t expected to make a good impression for her parents- whether that meant entertaining or pretending to listen. It was practically robotic for her at this point, sending her body through the motions while her mind was wandering somewhere else. And yeah- it sucked, but it wasn’t like she was good at anything else. Or like she’d ever actually break away from the grip Augustus and Evelyn had on her. There had only been one time in her life where she thought of leaving it all, and that dream had left town with Lux. “I guess I’m just... used to it,” she shrugs, “I’m pretty sure my first words were ‘I’ll have my secretary arrange a meeting.’ But don’t worry about it too much, just like- smile and nod. They all love to hear the sound of their own voice anyway.” 

who: @elainexarcher​ what: he’s been here for 3 minutes and he already wants to leave where: somewhere at the party idk

Wearing these stupid clothes and going to these stupid parties were never going to get easier, were they? Zev did his best to bob and weave through the crowd, trying to avoid conversations with people he already didn’t want to talk to when he was at the internship and had to. He wasn’t as graceful when he wasn’t on his skateboard, though, and the brand new shoes he’d barely broken in weren’t helping. After successfully oh, you look lovely, happy holidays-ing his way out of 3 or 4 boring conversations, he finally spotted Elaine’s familiar face and made his way over to her.

“Hey, wow, don’t you look marvelous tonight!”, he spoke probably louder and just slightly more exaggeratedly than he needed to, taking both her hands in his until he felt the eyes of Brenda from the front desk (who he’d just narrowly avoided conversation with) leave the back of his head. “Okay, how long, legally, do I actually need to stay here, do you think?” His exaggerated tone immediately dropped as he dropped her hands to glance at his watch. “Follow up question, is there a way for me to actually get to the drinks without having to listen to people from the office talk about how cute their kids look on the family Christmas card?”

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Elaine’s smile is wide enough for someone to gush about ‘how beautiful of a couple’ they were, and the kiss she plants on his cheek is enough to send the message that she’s not in the mood to talk. “Oh my god, you have perfect timing. Larry was two seconds away from starting his quarter-behind-the-ear routine, I could see it in his eyes.” Elaine had felt like a bobblehead all night, nodding and smiling as tipsy office workers’ stories poured in one ear and out the other. “God, I wish I knew- I’d say we should stage a lovers’ quarrel, but I think that’d be a bigger headache in the long run” the annoyance in her voice is obvious, despite her hushed tone, “I swear to god if Crystal’s new baby is half as ugly as the other ones, I’m gonna have to tell her- we can’t all keep enabling her like this. It can’t be healthy.” 

Two years ago, she never would have come to a Holly holiday by her own volition ( much less one year ago – but that was another story entirely ). Her lack of a bone to pick with Donny did not make up for the big bone she had to pick with Danny, and her loyalties had drifted. It wouldn’t have been worth going to just because the rest of ‘the Gang’ was there. Among the other folks there? The H.A.H. pricks, acquaintances she’d prefer not to run into again, possibly even her mother by virtue of being Cherry’s own discount Tammy Faye !  But she was there. Out of her element, questioning why the hell she was there in the first place – knowing all it took was a few steps to leave. Maybe the reason she had yet to leave was the idea behind the twelve-step program ( …that she only stayed for step one of, and even then - )… maybe something was going to happen and, somehow, her feet knew before her mind did… maybe it was just gravitational pull, prompted by the powerful force of guilt. What had Christmas been like last year? She wouldn’t be able to tell you! Then – oh, of any of the H.A.H-allied faces she could catch sight of, the best option of the many appeared. - She was fickle, that much could not be argued against. She was hot and cold, that much could not be argued against… But hadn’t Alice been just as unreliable ? Hell, the ‘improvements’ she had made were basically improvements to get her to the point of ‘able to function’! – she still was ! ) - And though she was hot and cold, perfectly unpredictable, the gift pressed into Alice’s hands was a sign of hot. A hot night. A good night.  “You mean you don’t want me to go bang a champagne flute and use the attention to make an announcement that you got me a present? – Y’know, I’m glad you told me – I was totally gearing up to do it.” All jokes aside, it was quite the kind gesture! And Alice decided that it was only right – that it was only right she try to pay it forward by not completely messing up the wrapping paper and going right down the seams (is that what you’d call them?) while unwrapping. “No Exit,” she read, nodding as a genuine smile grew. Even if it was about three people who were stuck in Hell, forced to be each others’ tormentors, it was still hard to deny that there was something heartwarming about it. She had sprung to Elaine’s mind when she saw it – and Elaine had taken enough time to wrap it, at that. Meanwhile, Alice? …At least she was there! Could she pretend her presence was gift enough? She was alive! “Thank you, Elaine. This is-” - perfect would be too intense, cool would be too casual, awesome would be too gnarly - “ - amazing.” That seemed fair game ! “Would you believe me if I told you that your gift is in my car?” – A total lie. If Elaine said she actually would? Damn, Alice would either have to tell the truth (and the whole self-deprecating joke lied in it not being true!) or give her, like… a water bottle. 

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Elaine and Alice were never supposed to last longer than a night. Something she could pass off as a mistake or, god-forbid, an experimentation if she needed to. It wasn’t supposed to turn into... this, whatever this even was. There were days that Elaine got caught in Alice’s gravitational pull, and those were the days where she stuck around a little too long, slept a little too close, felt a little too much. And then it would all start to feel too similar to Lux, and that could only lead to heartbreak and despair. Too similar to trying to make things work through all the pain, to calling an empty house just to hear her voice on the answering machine, to locking herself in her bedroom for half a summer. 

And still, she lets herself get pulled in- if only for a few fleeting moments. “Not for a second,” she’s teasing, flirting, a dangerous game considering the company they’re keeping, “I’m sure we can think of a way for you to make it up to me, though.” 

Elaine has never been particularly good at showing affection. She wasn’t the girl who would write you long love letters or gush about how much she liked you when she had too much to drink. She showed she cared in her own subtle ways. With Zahra it was polishing her cheer shoes and fluffing her pom-poms along with her own. For Harvey it was smoothing his collar or fixing his hair, straightening the frames in his bedroom or color-coding his bookshelf. Shirts would appear in Casey’s closet, freshly washed sheets on his bed. Kisses were pressed to Lux’s shoulders, coffee made just the way she liked it was shoved into her hands every morning before classes began. It’s not exactly out of her character to have gotten Alice a Christmas present, though she hadn’t realized what she was doing until she was already walking out of the store. A pristinely wrapped copy of Jean-Paul Sartre’s “No Exit” is pressed into the other girl’s hands and Elaine is playing it totally cool. 

who: @elainexarcher​ what: Friendly greeting

Ah another Christmas Holiday celebration at the Holly Mansion. An event, Danny knew the expectations of all too well and acting like a grinch, though desirable, was completely out of the question. Unfortunately this was made more challenging by almost the entirety of their small town being in attendance, including the majority of the infamous gang that he was so often considered to be a part of. Which wasn’t to say that he wasn’t. Sure there were a few of them he found, mildly tolerable. But that sure as hell wasn’t the case for the majority of them. The thought of having to interact plastering a small sneer on his face that was just as quickly cleared away with one firm glare from David Holly himself. A smile replacing itself where said sneer had once been. Everything was fine. Evidence erased. But it did mean that he was in desperate need to busy himself with someone tolerable if he was going to keep out from his fathers gaze for the remainder of the evening, and while he wasn’t sure he would totally put Elaine in that category, she was a better option than anyone else he’d managed to make eye contact with so far. He waited for a brief moment for his fathers attention to turn from him before he made his move to approach her. “I’m impressed with the charity you’ve done this year Archer. The thrifted look is a good one for you.” 

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Play nice, play nice, play nice. It was the chant on constant replay in her head whenever she was at an event like this, and especially when Danny was being... Danny. At least she could always count on him for consistency. She was counting the minutes until this thing was over, though if you included the extra hour it took to separate Augustus, Harvard, and David when they’d had a few drinks in them there was practically an eternity to go. It made her wonder if her, Harvey, and, Danny would act the same one day... or if the resentment that rested inside all of them would last a lifetime. “Well of course I couldn’t wear my best around you! It’s impossible to get your stench out.” 

Over the years, there had been too many memories made at the Holly Holiday Party to count... but of course, there was one that always stuck out. If she closed her eyes it was almost like she was there. She was twelve and clad in tufts of sparkly white with a shimmering snowflake crown on her head. It was the year she’d won the winter pageant, and Evelyn had insisted she dressed the part- sash and all. These days she would have flaunted it, basked in the attention that came along, but back then all she’d wanted to do was hide. She was shivering in the backyard, avoiding Danny’s teasing and the mothers’ prodding and Harvey. She felt ridiculous and feared his rejection, as if the Harvey she’d always known would turn on her that easily.

And then he’d all but materialized at her side, covering her shoulders with his jacket and placing a steaming mug of hot chocolate in her freezing hands. The words exchanged are a mystery to her now, but she remembers the feeling, the way she’d finally relaxed by his side and the warmth that spread through her when they finally shared that first kiss. It was written all over her features for the rest of the night, the red glow on her cheeks lasting far too long to be from the cold. 

Harvey comes into view as she opens her eyes and she’s still in the backyard and she’s still shivering, but the warmth he’d once brought is nowhere to be found. If anything, the temperature feels ten degrees colder. 

“Having fun?” 

The Annual Holly Holiday Party had never been Elaine’s idea of a fun time. It was more of a show to put on than a celebration, an extension of presenting herself as a worthy future member of the H.A.H. The dress her mother laid out for her was itchy, the tree was making her eyes water and her nose itch, and all the apple cider in the world couldn’t wash the taste of Helena’s terrible cookies out of her mouth. But pretending to like them was all but a holiday tradition at this point, one over-exaggeration of how delicious they were when she was seven and Helena was chasing her around with them every year like clockwork. 

So in true Elaine fashion she was on edge, eyes following a toy train around and around when she feels someone next to her. “Danny, if you’re here to hit on me again I swear to god I’ll push you into the punch bowl I don’t care if it’s your h-” her voice drops off when she turns and registers it’s Zahra, though her expression is unchanged, “Didn’t realize it was you... obviously.”