sludge factory.

i. "cast iron skillet" - jason isbell and the 400 unit // ii. tonight i'm someone else: essays; the end of longing - chelsea hodson // iii. "rx (medicate)" - theory of a deadman

( gdocs version since tumblr beta is super annoying )

i. "lapse" - envy on the coast // ii. "medicine" - daughter // iii. "exit music (for a film)" - radiohead // iv. "stan" - eminem

triggers: drug use (vicodin + heroin), suicide mention

gdocs version if it's easier

❤️‍🔥

It wasn’t like Elaine wanted to keep things a secret. It wasn’t like she wanted to play pretend with Zev and hide who she really was, what she really wanted. But she had long ago accepted that her own feelings were to be pushed aside, that what her parents wanted- demanded, would always come first. There were brief moments when she thought about breaking free. With Casey… with Lux. But Casey would have blended in eventually, Augustus would have dressed him up in a suit and stuck him somewhere, just the way Hargrove was now. With Lux, it was clear that she’d have to make a choice… love or her life. What a difficult choice that had been, countless hours tossing and turning and agonizing over the decision. 

But Lux had shown her that love wasn’t enough, not enough to make someone stay and not enough to break away from the path that had been chosen for her. She felt crushed under the weight of her ex-girlfriend’s absence, even after all the time that had passed. It felt like it would never end, like no matter what happened there would always be a piece of her that disappeared with Lux. She never wanted to feel that way again, never wanted to give herself away enough to let someone break her. So maybe that would make everything easier- marrying a man one day, living a life she didn’t want. At least the makeshift stitches keeping her bruised and broken heart together would stay intact. 

But there was Alice. Alice who had snuck her way under Elaine’s skin so stealthily that she hadn’t recognized it until now. Alice who Elaine caught herself thinking about far too often. Alice who overwhelmed her, who sent her running when it all felt like too much, and calmed her just the same. 

But it can’t be. And it couldn’t. And it wouldn’t. 

If the Archers hadn’t arranged a jet to take them away that night Elaine would have declined, would have turned cold the way she so often did. It was an instinct, a defense mechanism that she couldn’t break free of. But Elaine would be leaving to an empty home anyway, and waking up on Christmas morning next to Alice’s warmth rather than the chill of her empty home was enticing. Still, she hesitates for a moment, wondering if Mackenzie would pass the word along to anyone that Elaine had spent the night there. 

There’s a sick twist in her stomach when she asks, guilt for the thought, the feeling it must cause. It was a necessary evil, protection, walls, caution. “Mac wouldn’t… tell anyone, would he?” 

.

There was a degree of humor to it, for as hopeless as the story was, it was not original by any means. It was classic. Orpheus and Eurydice. Gatsby and Daisy. Winston and Julia. And that is simply omitting the most obvious among them. Doomed love was nothing new. Doomed love was created to sell, created to entertain. And, in some odd decade or so, perhaps they would look back from a kitchen or a hotel or a grave and be entertained. Young love, after all, often went hand-in-hand (I will continue to omit the obvious).  And this was not love. Not truly. Infatuation was a far better word. After Lux, she had learned better than to call something ‘love’ so quickly. She had loved only one thing in her life (in the sense she had once defined her love for Lux ; in the sense that she was denying Elaine), and how toxic that had been! Handgun. One shot. Fix yourself. Well, never mind. Everything else? An afterthought. She had been an afterthought. And that was not how love worked, now was it? All other forms of love... perhaps she had loved Lux once -- loved Lux in the way she had loved Zahra. Old friendships -- planted seeds that had blossomed into beautiful bouquets. Perhaps she had once loved her mother, as well as she could. Familial bonds were difficult to shake, even harder when a mirror was held up. Perhaps she loved some members of the Gang. Close proximity bred familiarity, though familiarity was destined to breed contempt. But they, too, had been an afterthought. For better or for worse, she was not the only second player in her life. For better or for worse, fate waited around the corner. For better or for worse, tragic legacy waited for Elaine. For better or for worse, tragic absurdity waited for Alice. How cliché! But not everything was so laid out. Expectations were flipped when Alice’s proposal were not met with some form of denial. Some chill washing over. A chill she had come to expect, and a chill she had come to accept. But there was no wall standing between the two... a window, perhaps? Too cautious to fully open the door, and... too tempting to build out of nothing but concrete? “I mean, I’m not his, y’know, puppeteer, but I doubt it. He hasn’t before.” It would be a lie to say ‘no, he definitely won’t!’ -- she had no control over his words or his actions, and it wasn’t worth it to lie -- not when there was something actually on the table. But his track-record was clean -- and there had always seemed to be an unspoken agreement. What happens in the apartment, stays in the apartment! 

☼

She blinked, her brain going entirely blank for a moment at Alices estimation. “That’s… wow.” A pause. “Wow.” Maybe it shouldn’t be that surprising, after spending half her time at Zev and Harvey’s house, Still. It hurt her brain a little to conceptualize it that way. Two full years of tuition, spent on a party to rub elbows with people everyone already knew. God, what was the point of it? Rory wasn’t usually the cynical type, but even she doubted that the goal was spreading holiday cheer. 

“What would you do, if you had all this money?” She glanced at Alice, and took a sip of her stolen champagne to bury any of the uncertainty that sometimes took over when they talked. 

.

Despite it being a total guess, halfway based on the humor that hyperbole can bring, halfway based on reality... fully based on absurdism because how in the hell..., the fact of the matter: they were rich, they had spent an exorbitant amount of money on something half the attendees would forget in the morning, they already knew the grand majority of the guests they still felt the need to impress, so on and so forth and what have you. God, being a member of the H.A.H. had to be exhausting.  Oh, she knew exactly what she would do if she had all that money! Jesus christ, it was a damn good thing she was not just inherently rich (anymore -- turned out discount Tammy Faye had done her a favor)! Hedonism was all well and good -- treat yourself was the doctrine. But, like... you know, if she had the money available at all times, the point of no return really would’ve been the point of no return! (Not in the sexy death way though...) But her second choice? ...She was blinded by the love she held for her first, a second choice was difficult! “Pay the next two years of tuition.” There! Good! “But if we’re talking all the Holly money, you’ve gotta wonder why they haven’t, like, invested in a scholarship by now.” They were altruists, right? Nodding towards the other, she asked the simplest question of them all: “How about you?”

who:@alicealder what: if only i knew… for i do not… where: the holly party!

It’s late in the evening by the time Casey settles into the game room - tired of hanging around the backyard secretly sipping from a cup of spiked eggnog for most of the night. He immediately sets upon trying to find a game - something that’ll occupy their time a little better than drinking and philosophising. Which, arguably, is most of the conversations he seems to have with Alice. “Y'know, the Monopoly guy has never actually had a monocle,” he states over his shoulder, jiggling the box slightly in his hand and listening as the pieces inside rattle around. He’d never really liked Monopoly. Perhaps because he was a little too competitive with it - like the game would be the closest he’d ever really be to being some tycoon, slowly taking over the world with his little fake property empire. “Complete myth, like one of those - uh - Nelson Mandela effects.” He finally takes the box from the shelf, setting it down on one of the tables in the room and cracking open the lid before throwing Alice a wry smirk. “Wanna play? Promise I won’t go full anti-Marx on you… Karl not Richard.”

.

Peering at the box, the Monopoly man did not look right. With all the disbelief and fear in the world -- because that just wasn’t right!, she replied, “No...” How many years had it been since Alice had last played Monopoly? God knows! It was one hell of a long game, reserved only for the most inane nights... such as this one! -- but she could’ve sworn she remembered him with a monocle! “Oh, shit -- like the Vitruvian Man’s two sets of arms?” The Vitruvian Man only having four arms kept her awake at night -- like, it had never been the drugs, it had always been the Vitruvian Man and his arms if you asked her! “If I can use the dog.” Taking a brief beat, she continued, “Y’know, I don’t think they really thought their pieces through. I mean, they’ve somehow got, like, a battleship and a thimble.” But that was beside the point... Or was it? The most important part of Monopoly was always staking your claim on the pieces, and who would want to be the iron when a horse + rider was available?  “Think Monopoly would be an effective way to study the ethics of capitalism and Marxism?”

❤️‍🔥

Elaine had never really been sure of who she was, never stopped to think about it really until Casey came along. Their relationship was the first real thing she’d ever done wrong, the first step she’d taken outside of her parents’ grip. It must have been why she’d found it so exhilarating, why she’d been addicted to the feeling, why she risked it all for a taste of freedom. She loved Casey, of course, she still did. She was still convinced they were some kind of soulmates, though now she knew it wasn’t of the romantic sort. And even then, she hadn’t truly been herself, because if she had been nothing would have happened between them in the first place. 

Lux had been like seeing the sun after a lifetime underground- though Elaine still hasn’t been able to determine if knowing it was there is better or worse. What was the use of knowing the warmth of the sun when you were doomed for the dark and cold? When the only time you could be yourself was under the cover of night? And there would be a time where even that would have to stop, when she’d have to settle down and get ‘serious’ and put everything she wanted aside for everything she was expected to do. 

She still wasn’t sure, but it didn’t really matter right now, did it? “Yeah, I know,” she lets her words hang in the air for a moment, eyes focused on Alice for a beat too long for two people who were just friends. She wishes they were anywhere else than Cherry right now, bathed in these lights somewhere far away from everyone they knew. Because then she could have pulled Alice in closer, kissed her… something more romantic than just smiling and nodding like an idiot. 

When she finally pulls her gaze away she’s not sure what to say, not sure what to do or what move to make next. She’d never exactly been earnest, especially not with Alice, not when she flinched back every time she got too close to their flame. But in the spirit of Christmas… “I wish…” that I could kiss you, that we didn’t have to hide, that I wasn’t so scared of feeling something for you, “That it wasn’t like this.” 

.

What had she always been? The secret or the secret-keeper? From Lux to strangers at night to Elaine... Both, she believed. Both, she knew. It should have hurt more than it did. It should have felt as though they were ashamed to be seen with her. But she had grown wiser since the Wonderland Dance. Lux had not been ashamed. Strangers had not been ashamed (at least, not with her in specific). Elaine was not ashamed. They were frightened. It was an unforgiving world filled to the brim with unforgiving people -- it had been an easy lesson to learn. And, at her worst? She did not even believe the strangers deserved the flack they would get if their secret came to light. (Perhaps she was a bit saner now, a bit cleaner. Perhaps she knew now -- knew that they would deserve the scorn from their wives or husbands or partners. But they felt nothing short of generous at the time. She fixed herself.) If the Archers were to learn, Elaine would be ousted as quickly as Alice had been. And Elaine’s path had been mapped out even more than Alice’s had been. How lost she would be. How terrifying to navigate their sick world alone. (And perhaps Alice liked to believe she would not be alone... but there was a hint of realism about the situation. There would always be one great love in Alice’s life, one so hard to let go of, and how hard it was to accept that that love was not human.) How Alice would pray for her if she still dared to enter the church. How she would wonder, standing together, lights accentuating a silhouette, why she was to be an exception.  Handgun on the table, one shot if you’re able. Freedom -- it was horrifying. Freedom to map everything out. Freedom to fit an unsavory narrative, unwritten at a young age. Freedom to listen, freedom to learn, freedom to pretend. Freedom to find romanticization in the release of Janis Joplin, in the release of Jim Morrison, in the release of Jimi Hendrix. Freedom to find romanticization in the release of Sylvia Plath, in the release of Virginia Woolf, in the release of Louis Adamic. A life of art. A life of hedonism. A life of tragedy. Who was she to be? Who was she to follow? A bathtub, maybe. A hotel, perhaps. A trailer, even. Free to get away. Free to turn her back. Free to leave whenever she so pleased, leaving no legacy behind. Free to leave whenever she so pleased, leaving no stone unturned. Free to leave whenever she so pleased, leaving few disappointed.  Who would be there? A secret. Who would be there? A secret-keeper.  Terror it could cause. Terror it had caused.  Who had been there? Would it ever be purposeful? A secret. Who would know if it was? A secret-keeper. No one. What light Christmas thoughts! “But it can’t be.” Resolve. They could not live their lives hanging by the delicacy that was hope. The hope that Elaine could reach freedom; the hope that Alice could reach control. An ever-present duel. A tragic duel. “But...” the following proposal would be tentative, not one she expected Elaine to accept -- but if there was so much as a 1% chance that she would accept, that they could spend that night together... what was there to lose? “Mac and I really went to town with the Christmas decor in our apartment -- y’know, if you wanna check out how the other half is living.”

❤️‍🔥

The Archers were a lot of things. Ambitious, cold, egocentric… it was safe to say that no one would ever describe them as forgiving. That kind of upbringing had led Elaine to where she was now, always looking over her shoulder, afraid to make even the tiniest misstep. She still hadn’t heard the end of the Harvey-Casey thing, despite the years that had passed and her ‘relationship’ with Zev. Of course that would never be good enough, because Zev wasn’t the best Hargrove- or technically a Hargrove at all and the Archers were nothing if they weren’t at the top. And then there was the guilt. The hours she spent in the church, praying for forgiveness, praying to wake up as someone different. She wanted everything that had been planned for her, the house with the picket fence and the beautiful children and the perfect husband. Or at least… she wanted to want it. 

There’s the smallest amount of relief as they slip into the cool air of the night and the sound of the party softens with each step they take. Nowhere near as much as when they’re in the safety of Alice’s apartment, when she can pull down the mask enough to let parts of herself slip through. Of course, she’d been nervous at first- but threatening Mackenzie with bodily harm if he told anyone how often she was there was enough to settle that fear. Besides, he was dumb enough to believe they were just gals being pals! They may be away from the party, but they’re still in Cherry, and there’s still eyes everywhere. One rumor that she liked girls and she was sure her parents would lock her in her bedroom and throw away the key. 

All that to say, Christmases with the Archers were never the warm affairs Elaine saw on TV. Her parents often took advantage of the days off and took a trip, leaving Elaine at home with whichever nanny hadn’t quit yet. There were extravagant presents of course, but they couldn’t fill the hole in her heart that grew bigger each year. And had all but doubled in size since Harvey stopped showing up every Christmas morning. There was no Harvey, no Lux, and at nineteen there was no need for a nanny, which would leave Elaine… all alone this year. But at least she always had the Christmas card, at least when her family’s smiling faces looked back at her she could pretend they were as happy as they looked.

It was obvious that Elaine hadn’t thought this through, because if she had she would have accounted for the fact that the lights would be bright enough to illuminate Alice. And she would have known just how weak in the knees that would make her, how out of breath she would feel. “Beautiful,” it’s involuntary and she nearly chokes on it, clearing her throat, “The lights… I mean. The lights are beautiful aren’t they?” 

.

A hint of tragedy to it, yes? Alice had never been destined for anything as important as the H.A.H. -- never destined for a life where control forced upon her would flip to her being the enforcer. She had had a map laid out in front of her, endgame being some sort of success in curating a good Christian nuclear family -- two and a half kids, picket fence, golden retriever in an ascot, tire swing in the backyard, husband calling ‘Honey, I’m home!’ as she finished with his meatloaf and apple sauce, children sent off to Ivy leagues, etc, etc, etc. It had never been directly said -- discount Tammy Faye alternated between the illusion of fate and free-will, prompting great confusion.  Better yet, prompting great submission.  In a way, she could offer a thank you to Lux, as terrible as she wound up being, for the torment. Had it not been for the break, the snap, a life she did not desire would still lie ahead and she would be none the wiser. She would be where Elaine stood, looking over her shoulder to ensure she was not suspect. She would not be allowed to be herself, even if she still did not entirely know who herself was. At least she had the chance to find it. But near absolute freedom at such a young age? It drove to an area of absurdity. Edward Albee, Samuel Beckett, Jean-Paul Sartre -- an absurd character, one who could speak fast in a setting as normal and depressing as Virginia Woolf, one who could wait to fall prey to some unknown force such as Godot, one who could wait for torment with No Exit. Oh, if only Godot would come around. If only the sense of purpose he or it distilled in the two men who kept returning would come around. Would offer that same sense. But The Boy came around every night instead, announcing that Godot would not be able to make it.  Absurd freedom. Absolute control. Which was worse? Freedom to explore. Path to success. Freedom of danger. Path of safety. It was only in looking at the lights, so splendid and sparkling, that there was an answer: absurd freedom. It did not beat absolute control, not every time. But it allowed identity. It allowed the freedom to leave off on ‘Beautiful.’ In the moment she and Elaine stood, illuminated by lights that could rival Times Square (so she assumed), Alice could say ‘beautiful’ and leave it at that. She could compliment the beautiful woman beside her, she could tell her what she thought: she was gorgeous, her silhouette accented against the bright lights, features so often hidden behind the distraction of all others... But Elaine brought with her the control that Alice had managed to escape.  At times, it was worth it. “They’re gorgeous. Breathtaking.” Code, of course. “I haven’t seen lights this... magnificent in at least four years. Only those balls, y’know?”

❤️‍🔥

Lux had made a permanent home in Elaine’s mind from the very first kiss. Even now, with how much time had passed since their breakup, Elaine is searching for her everywhere. Every move she makes is influenced by her and her absence and all the love Elaine no longer knew what to do with. Sometimes she feels like it’s all a bad dream, like she’ll suddenly wake up gasping for breath in Lux’s arms. She wants more than anything to forget, and then again she’s afraid to let go of the memories. Because then what does she have left? 

Somehow, it all goes away when she’s alone with Alice. It’s a weight lifted off her chest and exhaling a breath she didn’t know she was holding. It pulls her back into the other woman’s arms over and over again, searching for those little fleeting moments of bliss. Because of course Lux always sneaks back into her mind, along with the guilt of losing herself in someone new. Not that she owed Lux anything, not after all the pain she’d caused Elaine, and certainly not after she left without so much as a goodbye. 

She’s about to reply when she catches her father’s eye across the room. It’s in that moment that she realizes she’d subconsciously leaned into Alice, and it’s only a second before she’s straightening her posture. “I um- I don’t think I’ve ever actually been to a Howard Johnson’s.” 

How easy it was for Elaine to go from hot to cold. How typical of her to not be able to finish what she started. The difference tonight is that she wants to run toward Alice instead of away from her, and how she’ll pray for that feeling not to last. Her father’s focus has shifted elsewhere and still she feels like she’s crumpling under it, and now her own eyes are shifting all over the party- had anyone heard them?

“I heard the people around the block have lights you can like- see from space or something. Wanna check ‘em out?” 

.

Elaine saw an Archer.  After the time they spent together, for better or for worse, Alice could tell the difference between indifferent and in danger. It was not merely for the fact that she had once felt the same -- dark nights spent intertwined with Lux, bright days spent being nothing more than friends. For Lux’s sake. For her own sake. They were not always amongst an open and forgiving crowd. And, while Alice no longer had a place in her heart for such worry? While Alice had lost everything she could have from it? While the levity of openness had been worth more than one blow-up? The same could not be said for Elaine, still scrutinized -- and expected to be someone, at that. Such was the fate for all first-born H.A.H. kids, yes? Thus, she finds it more than acceptable if Elaine chooses to turn a shoulder. She had to go find her very straight, very heterosexual boyfriend! Zev and Elaine, the least homosexual people in the world! -- But, much to Alice’s surprise, she does not leave. She does not turn entirely cold. She doesn’t even try to end the conversation, rather simply redirect it -- go off of Alice’s offered receipt! “That’s not much of a surprise,” she replied with a light shrug. Oh no, it sounded like she was richphobic! “It’s a dying breed, hence why that receipt will be worth a lot one day.” Wow! Maybe Elaine could live off her Howard Johnson’s receipt money and not have to worry about all of the H.A.H bullshit! -- Ah, but such was not her fate! The sins of the father trickle down and all that. The blood turns to poison. An absurd life of freedom or a bitter life of control? Which was better, who could say. But compare and contrast Alice and Elaine in some decades -- perhaps the answer would lie within. But she comes back around.  It isn’t unlike Lux, save for Elaine... not torturing them (probably). The swings, the uncertainty of her standing, the secrecy, the silver to Casey or Harvey or XYZ’s gold. The addiction.  And, quite frankly? She hadn’t seen magnificent lights since she had left discount Tammy Faye. Christmases after that? Rather bleak. They didn’t tend to be terrible (save, perhaps, for the previous year’s), but they were grey. “So that’s what I’ve been missing!” She hadn’t come to the holiday party to subconsciously maintain and rebuild friendships! She hadn’t come to the holiday party to restore a sense of stability! She had come to the holiday party because, just a block away, there were lights to rival that epic DSOTM Pink Floyd laser light show! Tone dropping to something a bit more serious, a bit more sentimental, she continued, “I would love to check them out. -- But you’ll have to lead the way.” Perfect. Totally platonic but also totally not! This was how you did it, kids!

🎤

Was it entirely possible that Luca was barking up the wrong tree? Absolutely. Recalling the reality of each member of the gang from before he left had felt a puzzle he didn’t feel he still had all the pieces too. Sure he could recall Zahra, someone he’d been avoiding like the plague since his return home, and it’d be impossible for him to forget Mac. But the rest? As sad as it made him, they’d been afterthoughts once he’d run. He’d made new friends. People he’d hoped could fill some of the void. People to create new memories with. To no avail. Running into Alice now he was filled with his own pang of jealousy. A feeling of curiosity for what might have been had he stuck around a little longer. 

When she tossed him the lighter it came with a small hinderance of surprise. Like he couldn’t believe he was right about this. But the way the question rolled off her tongue left much to be desired. 

“I mean if I’m being honest, I wasn’t. But you’ve just gone and turned it right on around.” He mused as he flicked the lighter to get the end of his cigarette lit. A cherry red flame lighting up his hand as he waited for it to light. “What can I say I’m not hard to please.” Luca continued as he finished taking a drag. “How about yourself? Have the Holly’s gotten you in the holiday spirit yet?” 

.

“I have that effect on people.” Oh, it was certainly delivered as some kind of sly joke, but there was more than a grain of truth to it. That year... the people she would settle for, the people she would please. Men in anything from suits to calloused hands -- no pleasure sustained on her behalf, but the euphoria it would buy her made it worth it in the moment. And that was merely scratching the surface! -- Of what he was ignorant of, at least. Perhaps he would recall that severe problem with people-pleasing she’d had before he ran off -- and then some.  Alice held her hand out for the lighter when his cigarette had been successfully lit. He wasn’t about to be the only one who could have some fun with her lighter -- not when a blunt to ruin the scent of gingerbread and cider had been waiting. There were better things to smoke. And hedonism was no sin under her doctrine as her own God. But God hadn’t felt like much of one smoking - snorting, shooting - those better substances. “Well, nothing says ‘happy holidays!’ like Fat Cat David Holly giving the most heartfelt speech I’ve ever heard.” A good laugh! An excellent charade! A beautiful mask! “But -- their fine liquor’s been lifting things up.” If she could say nothing else...

❤️‍🔥

Elaine and Alice were never supposed to last longer than a night. Something she could pass off as a mistake or, god-forbid, an experimentation if she needed to. It wasn’t supposed to turn into… this, whatever this even was. There were days that Elaine got caught in Alice’s gravitational pull, and those were the days where she stuck around a little too long, slept a little too close, felt a little too much. And then it would all start to feel too similar to Lux, and that could only lead to heartbreak and despair. Too similar to trying to make things work through all the pain, to calling an empty house just to hear her voice on the answering machine, to locking herself in her bedroom for half a summer. 

And still, she lets herself get pulled in- if only for a few fleeting moments. “Not for a second,” she’s teasing, flirting, a dangerous game considering the company they’re keeping, “I’m sure we can think of a way for you to make it up to me, though.” 

.

Alice hardly remembered how it had begun... which made sense. There were plenty of important things she had forgotten, entirely addled for a year and then some. But she remembered how it felt, and that was the most important part. It had been a betrayal. A betrayal against a woman she no longer loved; a betrayal against the God she would not be able to fully drill out of her mind until His friend took His place; a betrayal against Elaine, for she was just another in a long slew when she certainly deserved better; a betrayal against herself, being an exception.  And betrayal had always been so intoxicating. Was it any wonder that she came back? Was it any wonder that she came back when, logically speaking, harm was being done to no one but themselves? Betrayal. Secret. Exception.  The cruelty of Lux could not compare.  “You mean you don’t want a crumpled receipt from Howard Johnson’s? Unbelievable...” What a tragedy! ...Not that Alice hadn’t gotten Elaine a gift, rather that Howard Johnson’s was dying out.  Alice was aware of the company they were in. Aware that the Archers were somewhere to be found. Aware that their friends were scattered about. But how could she resist such a perfect fake opening? In as hushed as tone as she could manage, she raised an eyebrow and replied, “I’m sure there are plenty of bedrooms in this house.” Then, to recover -- to leave off on a note that, with anyone else, would not be offered: “Though if that doesn’t work out... that Howard Johnson’s receipt will be worth a lot of money one day.”

who: @alicealder​ what: rich people, man

“How much do you think this all costs?” Rory murmured, looking around the Holly mansion.  The opulence of the annual Christmas party (and of, well, everything else the HAH families did) always managed to do this to her, even now. And it’d been a long time since she’d first come to the Hollys’ and had to pick her jaw up off the floor. Still, some things never change. “Like, the decorations, the caterers, the bar…” She shook her head, turning her bewildered expression to Alice. “You think it’s more or less than a full year of CCU tuition?” 

.

A show of wealth. That’s all the parties seemed to be -- a way to brag without actually bragging. But observation stated the obvious: haha, we’re rich! get on our level! -- And, like... yeah, it was nice that they were at least doing something for the town... but there was that whole ‘there is no such thing as a truly selfless act’ -- and by god, from what she knew of them? That certainly applied to the HAH members! “I’d place money on it being worth at least two full years. Hell, I’d like to say that I’m shocked there isn’t already some kind of ‘Holly Scholarship.’” But she was definitely not shocked. “I mean, that said, I still wouldn’t place even a thousandth of what this party is worth.”

who: @alicealder​ what: catching up 

It was no secret that when Luca left, he’d obviously left more than his sisters behind. He’d left school, left his friends, left everything for the chance to no longer live under Glenda Logan’s thumb. And while he’d had a little bit of time to prepare for what awaited him when it came to his sisters, his friends had been a forethought. He hadn’t called. Hadn’t alerted any of them to his return. He sure as hell didn’t have a plan for how he was going to assimilate back in. But part of him wondered if he’d even really need one. It wasn’t like he had anything serious going on with any of them, save maybe a few? How hard could it be? Luca made a point of stopping to grab himself a drink, flashing a fake ID he’d brought with him before making his way into the backyard to find a sea of faces both familiar and unfamiliar alike. Allowed himself to take a quick sip from his drink before making his way across the deck to the first familiar face he could find. “Long time no see.” He announced as he leaned against a railing. “Last I recalled you’re someone I could bum a lighter off of right?” He asked, both teasing, and a legitimate question as he pulled a pack of smokes from his back pocket. “I keep seeming to lose mine.”

.

When Luca ran, Alice was... disappointed, perhaps? A friend, gone. A friend, lost. Libby’s own twin, disappeared. But she hadn’t wished she had done the same -- not those four years ago. Four years ago -- such a trivial amount of time -- everything seemed all good. Now, though? What would have been different? How much better would things have been? It was hard to envision anything as worse -- even death would have been fine! (Save, perhaps, if she had gotten incarcerated. Perhaps she would have been able to eventually become the matriarch of the prison, so to speak, but that would surely take a great deal of time... hm...) Yes, the past year or so? She had run away in her own way, evidenced by a false increase in age, but she was still in Cherry. For who? For what? -- Questions she couldn’t answer! She hummed in response to Luca’s request -- not so much out of anger, out of bitterness, out of jealousy. It wasn’t as though they had ever been particularly close -- and it wasn’t as though she had yet to see him since he returned in September. But he did misremember her! Four years ago, she would not have had a lighter! A reasonable request now, though. - Thus, she tossed it to him -- a little game of ‘catch!’ “Having a holly jolly time yet?” she asked, eyebrow quirked... because it was very clear that, if he was looking for a lighter, it was unlikely! Mood!

closed starter for @alicealder​

Elaine has never been particularly good at showing affection. She wasn’t the girl who would write you long love letters or gush about how much she liked you when she had too much to drink. She showed she cared in her own subtle ways. With Zahra it was polishing her cheer shoes and fluffing her pom-poms along with her own. For Harvey it was smoothing his collar or fixing his hair, straightening the frames in his bedroom or color-coding his bookshelf. Shirts would appear in Casey’s closet, freshly washed sheets on his bed. Kisses were pressed to Lux’s shoulders, coffee made just the way she liked it was shoved into her hands every morning before classes began. It’s not exactly out of her character to have gotten Alice a Christmas present, though she hadn’t realized what she was doing until she was already walking out of the store. A pristinely wrapped copy of Jean-Paul Sartre’s “No Exit” is pressed into the other girl’s hands and Elaine is playing it totally cool. 

“Don’t make a big deal out of it, okay? I just thought you might like it. So Merry Christmas… or whatever.” 

Two years ago, she never would have come to a Holly holiday by her own volition ( much less one year ago -- but that was another story entirely ). Her lack of a bone to pick with Donny did not make up for the big bone she had to pick with Danny, and her loyalties had drifted. It wouldn’t have been worth going to just because the rest of ‘the Gang’ was there. Among the other folks there? The H.A.H. pricks, acquaintances she’d prefer not to run into again, possibly even her mother by virtue of being Cherry’s own discount Tammy Faye !  But she was there. Out of her element, questioning why the hell she was there in the first place -- knowing all it took was a few steps to leave. Maybe the reason she had yet to leave was the idea behind the twelve-step program ( ...that she only stayed for step one of, and even then - )... maybe something was going to happen and, somehow, her feet knew before her mind did... maybe it was just gravitational pull, prompted by the powerful force of guilt. What had Christmas been like last year? She wouldn’t be able to tell you! Then -- oh, of any of the H.A.H-allied faces she could catch sight of, the best option of the many appeared. - She was fickle, that much could not be argued against. She was hot and cold, that much could not be argued against... But hadn’t Alice been just as unreliable ? Hell, the ‘improvements’ she had made were basically improvements to get her to the point of ‘able to function’! -- she still was ! ) - And though she was hot and cold, perfectly unpredictable, the gift pressed into Alice’s hands was a sign of hot. A hot night. A good night.  “You mean you don’t want me to go bang a champagne flute and use the attention to make an announcement that you got me a present? -- Y’know, I’m glad you told me -- I was totally gearing up to do it.” All jokes aside, it was quite the kind gesture! And Alice decided that it was only right -- that it was only right she try to pay it forward by not completely messing up the wrapping paper and going right down the seams (is that what you’d call them?) while unwrapping. “No Exit,” she read, nodding as a genuine smile grew. Even if it was about three people who were stuck in Hell, forced to be each others’ tormentors, it was still hard to deny that there was something heartwarming about it. She had sprung to Elaine’s mind when she saw it -- and Elaine had taken enough time to wrap it, at that. Meanwhile, Alice? ...At least she was there! Could she pretend her presence was gift enough? She was alive! “Thank you, Elaine. This is-” - perfect would be too intense, cool would be too casual, awesome would be too gnarly - “ - amazing.” That seemed fair game ! “Would you believe me if I told you that your gift is in my car?” -- A total lie. If Elaine said she actually would? Damn, Alice would either have to tell the truth (and the whole self-deprecating joke lied in it not being true!) or give her, like... a water bottle. 

WARNING: A LOT ABOUT HER BACKSTORY HAS CHANGED. in the absence of candy girl and dead!lux, i had to find a new way to fuck her life up. it’s what she deserves.