Hair Chronicles: The Politics of Self and Hair
Today, it was a random moment as I walked briskly into the women's bathroom at work. I looked at my quick reflection in the mirror. I saw the way my hair had lost that smooth look from when it was newly shorn. In its place, I saw the un-smooth look, the unkempt look. I saw what I call the ugly phase. I really just don't like my hair right now. The last time I grew out my hair, at this point I was always with hair extensions in. My options ranged from braids to weaves. Now, I am tempted all the time to get a wig and hide my hair.
I consider this in some shape a form of self-hatred. Maybe I have not overcome my days of looking in the mirror and seeing straight hair. Maybe just like I am overly critical of my body, maybe I am overly critical of my hair. As I am disgusted often by my curls, I am often excited looking at natural hair on other people. I look at the way they have figured out how to finger comb the hair so that the uneven peaks of their curly hair looks like an intentional statement and I am jealous. I had that moment today I stood at the train station waiting. The problem is not my hair. The problem is me.
When I think about my relationship with my hair, I can see the connection to my sense of self. I am never quite happy with myself because I never quite feel like I am enough. Although I have two Masters' degrees from amazing schools that I worked hard for, sometimes I feel like I am not educated enough. Like I need to study mathematics or get a PhD to feel like I can hang with the best of them. Or I need to learn to code. It is the same with my body. I feel like I need to be thinner or be a runner or become a flexible yogi to show that I have impulse control. I constantly feel like I am trying to be prove I can be more. Like I am afraid to acknowledge that I am enough as I am. I am enough.
I recently had a birthday and I think I have come to a point where I realise that I don't need to grow into anything more. My promise to myself this birthday year is to pick up no new skills. Yes, I am going to focus on developing the skills I already have. I don't need to focus on losing weight. I need to focus on dressing my body better and eating better within reason. I don't need to have that amazing hair I see on others. I don't need to be anything other than what makes me happy. I need to grow into who I am. I am enough.
I need to look in the mirror and look at my hair. I need to love my hair the way it. I need to not hide my hair with extensions or wigs. I need to let my hair grow if that is who I am. And if I decide that I want to be bald, I am enough to be that as well.















