a monk

These days I feel like someone is continuously watching me, whether i am  eating, working, playing or even sleeping. I become conscious and stop doing what I was doing, or I should do. This thought is not letting me enjoy things as I used to. I see people around, but don’t talk to anyone, it feels like they have already assumed me to be a bad person or stranger with whom they should not talk to or in some way or the other inferior, do they even bother to think anything about me, why do I bother or even think about them? I don’t know, one thing I’ve certainly observed about myself these days is I’m becoming conscious of the other person presence instead of rejoicing in myself which has always been me.  Now, I’m exploring the other direction and being more outwardly and looking for people outside with whom I can talk or can connect to. Although, all my life expereinces don’t support it, I’ve felt immense joy, freedom and blissfulness only in the instances of uter aloneness, and when I’m just me and no where is there. I’ve always enjoyed myself and done what I like to do, and till now others interest and choices rarely mattered or influced what and who I am and how I should be. but the fact that I’m writing this states that slowly it has started affecting me and my choices. Now I think about all the crap which would take me down before doing anything I like. It is not the first time it is happening, I keep on dwelling between these states. I be with people, trust them immersly and only later realise that I should have been alone, I should not get involve in people’s life, but at the same time feeling of sharing this joy and blisfulness and small moments of beauty arises, and I then no longer can think about anything, I completely melts and there is not even a though of the other comes, and in these moments I share, because I could have just not lived without sharing.  This has been a pattern which I observed, and have to break somehow in order to grow, otherwise living in this patern is becoming a habit and sometimes I feel stuck like why am I keep squeesing it if no juice is coming out?  as a human I also have a right to make a choice, do I? and probably I should make a one.. I think that there is no one outside to look for, at least it seem true until now from all the past expereinces and also that is what the theory says. I can only rejoice in myself and should do it, that is how we are and we should just accept it, searching for things whether its people, true connection or things all are illusions, may be of some help in survival, but that’s not the only thing one lives for. At least what I have observed within me is, I only start looking for things outside whenever I lose contact with myself, and this is true the other way around also, whenever I lose myself, I start the search outside, which is total foolish and leads to illusons. I start searching for myseld in the others, but just in sometime, when I come back home and stop the outside search, I find myself automatically, without any efforts. Magic! then I will again be myself and the juice starts flowing, but later only in a few days or months time, somehow something happens and I forget myself, and then wonders and wonders wonders here and there till again I come back home.  - an old post, re-posting from a old blog. 

Nature always surprises me with a feeling of bliss, which makes me think that what have I done to deserve this? I’m not doing anything, I have not asked for it, I am just being and experiencing whatsoever is coming in front of me. That this is so beautiful, Just being alive is a bliss. :)

I might sometime not like you but I love you, May be that is also a part of me, not you. But then, are you not a part of me? You created me as I destroyed myself. I miss you as I miss my childhood. I fly with the burden of your dreams. I cant sleep since you waked me up. I know that you know, what you know that I dont know. My body is tired but my soul is still searching for you. I might not become one with you in this life, But my faith is strong. I cry for the longing and dance in a hope of a day when I will get lost in the magical world of your eyes. Till that day I enjoy while waiting for you.

Seems like something is not right with them, or is it only just me going mad. I want them to be in the party, how can they not feel like dancing,  May be i want them to witness myself dancing with the rains, Putting all these aside, let me come to you, to be with you. let them not come with me, let them not join the party.   Now that i am with you, let me take you in me, as i give myself to you, Clouds, rainbows, flowers with bees and monkeys with trees.  singing dancing without any pain, getting wet in the rain, , Cats are sitting on their knees, and me alone with all of these.

I know i can’t see you, I know i can’t hold your hand, I know i can’t talk to you anymore, I know you won’t let me do. But can I just ask you something?? . . Can i miss you? or will you take me also away from myself just like you did with yourself? Let me know, if it reaches out to you, Please let me know if even this causes a problem. For me we are not two, You are where i am, i shall leave, if it’s not that. we share a heart together. Please let me know if we don’t, I will stop pumping. I still live in a hope that one day you will come and kill me so i can die in peace. but i know The day will never come and you will never say and I will never be able to know. Let’s see if it happens in next birth We will talk about it then. Will you ? Please let me know.

Just in love with this girl and her words :) Feels like being with her here and now.