☽ E I R E ☾
• artist — animator — storyteller •
VTM | WOD | soulsborns | HOMM | dragon age | ASOIAF | original work
"𝔪𝔶 𝔰𝔨𝔦𝔫 𝔥𝔞𝔰 𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫𝔢𝔡 𝔱𝔬 𝔭𝔬𝔯𝔠𝔢𝔩𝔞𝔦𝔫, 𝔱𝔬 𝔦𝔳𝔬𝔯𝔶, 𝔱𝔬 𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔢𝔩."
@rhombedrum my darlin'
(Almost full) R3D1S1GИ for a beautiful son of mine, Vincent O'Mary, in '90s Berlin. On the brink of death, he becoming a Toreador (fate worse than death, tbh), and companion for Aeskild.
First and foremost, Vincent IS NOT m!Toreador Protagonist from Bloodlines. Maybe he was once, in times immemorial, but my approach to this character, his core ideas (i.e. being faeblood with already dead changeling inside, from childhood) and concept have changed drastically.
MORE THAN THIS, he is an Irish, which is already... Well, that definitely was a CHOICE.
And yes, he doesn't give a punk, he is a fuck. And, maybe, a little fucked up. Completely.
From this moment, he'll be spending his cold nights in Berlin, in '98-99 timeline (approximately). With Aeskild. And it's already the most fucked up ship that VTM fandom has ever known (probably).
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Redesigning Aeskild, my Tremere OC who (is about to become) a fledgling in the '90s-00s Berlin.
Sooo I've started redesigning Aeskild a bit for our transfer of The Bois from vtmb-la-etc-etc into 90s Berlin and... It is certainly a breather for him. In previous iteration he was 27, but here he is only in his early 20s.
You can even kinda see what clothes he kept from his late teens as a trad goth and how techno/acid/early rave culture influenced his style. Ffs @eirewinne and I will have to rewrite the whole sourcebook because apart from the famous intro it is... lacking. let' put it like that.
We started a text rp just to flesh things out, let loose and feel for a bit, so I had to support my descriptions with some visuals.
Bonus: "true color" + shenanigans with different club lighting because why not.
A couple of people asked for the 'goth fashion masterdoc' I joked about - and while I think I'm no herald on that kinda (like I'm just me and like fashion, take everything I say with a grain of salt please) stuff nor do i know everything about goth fashion historically, i can give some pointers towards ethical shopping and avoiding big fuckass corpos disguising themselves as alternative fashion brands. also, there is only so much I can say, suggest and do, if you hit me with a 'well I cant do that/ that's not plausible for me/ I don't want to/ etc' then I don't know what else I can really say.
1: Fast Fashion Is Ruinous and Not Goth
So first things first, needless to say, fast fashion is a no. I wanna start this part off with a quote from "The Impact of Fast Fashion on Women" by Andrea Chang that says:
"The vast, unnecessary size of global clothing production is abhorrent — it has more than tripled since 2000, and the industry now produces over 150 billion garments a year. The culture of disposable fashion that has permeated the Global North is only possible through the increasingly cheap manufacturing labour in developing countries. According to the Ethical Fashion Forum (2014), almost three-quarters of the world’s clothing exports are made in developing countries often under unfair and unsafe working conditions."
So, no good, shops like Killstar, Dollskill, VampireFreaks, Blackcraft Cult etc are shops that promote some kind of 'lifestyle' with their clothes, they have no statements of ethical production and their products fall apart within a few wears. And even worse, places like Hot Topic, H&M, Zara, Shein and Temu. . . do I have to say more? Additionally, In the words of Lady of the Manners in her article "Goth Fast Fashion, and Why It Isn’t Always a Good Thing"
"It’s an unspoken secret (but becoming less of one) that the big name “lifestyle” brands are known for watching the websites, stores, and social media accounts of indie designers and artists to see what’s making a splash, and directly copying designs or making a few tiny changes to them."
These brands don't care about the subculture they are selling to. They do not care about the ethical foundation built on alternative communities that reject this capitalist nightmare. The audacity to promote these things to punks, goths etc is inherently undermining what it means to be those things. When researching these fast-fashion brands of alt clothing, you will often come across reddit posts that claim they are 'legitimate' because 'oh I have dozens of things from them and they feel xyz and are totally reliable', just because they are sometimes not made of 100% polyester and arrive quick and 'look cool', doesn't make them legitimate. Yes they get you your clothes on time when you buy them online but this is not about whether or not these are scam sites that are selling you a false product than what they're advertising, it's about the foundation of their marketing, as being these cool boundary breaking fashion brands that cater to goths and whatnot while they exploit the people in countries with wages that are the lowest in the world, with minimal regulation/safety standards and a lack of opportunities for unionization. Again from the first paper I talk about "Retailers are willing to exploit this cheap labour, and there is a vast supplier network that mediates between these retailers and hundreds of thousands of garment factories"
More so, the environmental effect of this is no less awful. These garments that are made of cheap non-dissoluble or biodegradable textiles, that are stitched together poorly and will therefore urge you to throw them out when they start falling apart and ripping at the seams, will end up clogged up with hundreds of it's kinds somewhere on an island, uncleaned, in the water, piling up, mucking up the world.
2. Work With What You Have
Black textile dye plus whatever clothes you already have in your hanger will do miracle work to transform your wardrobe into something more your style. Depending on what you're dyeing, if its a natural fabric or synthetic, there are variations you can buy that suit your need.
Brands that I've heard are good but have no personal experience with are Rit and Dylon which have their variety for different fabrics. What I personally use is 'Iberia Clothes Dye Black No21', it's affordable, next door, good and works. Of course getting true black is near impossible and there are several people who work closely with dye and textiles that can tell you that in more detail, so the chances of it getting washed out after a few washes or not look as 'black' as you want is possible, but believe it or not it's re-doable and easy to upkeep. Fiber reactive dyes are also good and, as far as I've researched, don't have a negative environmental affect. So google a quick tutorial of how to use these products on your specific clothes and you'll be as good as could be.
Secondly, rips, tears, bolts and chains. You can use your hands or even a fork or knife to go ham on any piece of clothing you want to get that desired grunge look if that's what you're going for. I have multiple items that were once dresses, dress shirts or otherwise which I tore up to have shorter sleeves, more holes etc and nothing but scraps were wasted. I am no seamstress nor do I know how to sow but if you do then this should really be in handy especially if you can make something shorter by hemming it instead of doing it like me and shrugging when there are jagged edges. Chains, pins, loops etc from the hardware store are also things you can slap onto yourself without having to buy overly expensive belts made of 2 strings of barely attached wires. Also if you have hot glue and want a shirt or something to hold a certain way, who's to say I haven't done that either.
Also, sometimes, the clothes you do have are already 'goth' enough (don't know how to better phrase this). If you have basics in black like tank tops, jeans, pants, shirts, blouses etc then you already have enough to start building your wardrobe from those. Most of my clothes from when I was a baby bat were clothes I already had but just styled in different ways to make look more edgy.
Exhibit A: Sweater I already owned that i stretched the neck hem of so it hung off my shoulder plus belt from my dad and black shorts i already owned. etc etc torn up tights I cut the groin area off of and worse as mesh sleeve top so on and on. (dw we'll get to jewellery)
3. Second-Hands, Thrifts, Bazars and Vintage
95% of my fashion is second hand clothing. My go to's are local second hand stores around my city (in order not to dox my region I am not going to state any specific ones, but I live in Prague and there are a nice selection if you look for them), and i really mean second hand, not the stores that pretend to be second hand but instead are like depop but a physical shop that try to convince you that the patterned shirt you picked up is actually a retro 2000's rare piece worth 30$. My rule of thumb is that if I go into a second-hand/thrift and anything is over the price of 20$ I don't buy it and leave. My only exceptions is if it's extremely good quality vintage that I run across and it's fairly priced for that quality, but if it's over like 26$ then forget about it.
The only things I've paid over that amount for were when I entered vintage stores, not second hand ones. Make sure it's what it claims to be/authentic, and see if it's worth buying. Rest it up to you.
Where I live I also rely on the app Vinted, and avoid the people who hashtag their pieces with things like #gothic #goth #altfashion #y2k and essentially pack their item with hashtags to get to as big as an audience as possible. Y'know the people, the ones who take a mundane garments, cinch the waist and sell it off for more than it's worth because they can sell it off as 'vintage' when its a Hollister top from 2008. Run from those because they will also most likely try to sell off a Killstar or Shein product without telling you or hiding the tag - in those moments google lens or image search has been my hero. (They know it's cheap stuff that is falling apart as they wear it so they hide the loose threads etc you get it). Look for items that are sold by people who are not them, I don't know how else to explain it? People who genuinely have no need for their garment, it does not have to be a lace corset or demonia boots but a black piece of clothing or gothic looking attire that is not advertised as that.
You don't need the pintrest-exact replica of outfits or pieces, get something you want to wear. The more niche and archaic your look the cooler you are in my opinion. I for example dress myself daily as though I was a character in VTM:B which makes me very happy, therefore I look for items that fill that vision and comfort for me.
I can't speak on Etsy or Depop because I have never bought things from there, but I heard it's common for people to steal designs, so watch out for that!
Also independent artists that hand-make their clothes, vet them on wherever you find them, Instagram or their personal websites, etsy ect. If they hand make it and are ethically aware they will always state it somewhere on their profile.
When it comes to jewellery, I have 6 pieces of jewelry I cycle through, three of them from second-hand stores, 2 from Christmas markets and one from Vinted. So it's all about looking! They were the most pricey thing because I don't want green fingers to be honest so I will save up for those If i really need them (this store is pretty good too, my friend bought from them and the quality is nice! though pricey).
4. Shops That Are Slow-Fashion
The last 5% of clothes from my closet are from some nice stores I saved up to buy from! These are always more on the pricier side because they are well-made and created to last, made by people who care about the article of clothing or are in the subculture they are selling to.
Foxblood: Bought a bag, jacket and a top from them and they are all great quality that hold up now 1 and a half years into almost wearing them daily. Granted this is the only proper store I've bought my wardrobe from because again, I like buying directly second hand more than from brands.
Places my friends brought from or business that are small also are:
Later Studio
I Do Declare
In Her Bones
By Frennka
4. No Need For Everything At Once
It took me maybe two and a half-ish years to properly build up my wardrobe to something that I feel like represents me. Once you get into a subculture and integrate with it's people and subculture, you do not need to immediately that moment buy out a new closet, that's kinda sucky. Take your time picking out pieces you like and want to wear, think about it and learn what you like to wear without being influenced by people telling you what to wear. I personally want to lean more Victorian, silhouette wise, but those pieces are pricey and therefore I'm taking my time, looking around and having a good time expressing myself how I feel good, comfortable, vampy and ghoulish.
And since this is mostly about fashion I don't feel the need to really get into the goth culture itself, but it's more than just the music, just the clothes etc (while it also is about those, don't misunderstand me), it's also about the principles you hold and how you express them. Conservative boot-licking bigots can't, for example, be goth, no matter how much goth music or black they wear, remember this.
Last quote from the first article I quoted "Consumers may also be unwilling to adopt more ethical or sustainable practices because they feel physically and culturally distanced from the problems in focus" - in response to this, become more aware of the issues in the world, focus on the problems, do not shop mindlessly, callously or with disregard.
And honorable mention, for me at least, having tattoos, dyed hair and changing my features like thinning my brows, using specific makeup products etc helps.
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Volha (Вольга, [vo:l'ha]) is an NPC from my Moscow Chronicle, "Moscow Sleepless", that I ran long time ago (and several times) and now painfully rewrite into something more.
Volha appeared before the players under harsh construction lights, among scaffolding and unfinished frescoes, still wet with tempera and plaster. Their meeting happened in an orthodox church, closed for reconstruction. Her movement was slow and deliberately languid, her chest voice, soft spoken and monotonous, was akin to a wind's whisper as it came under breath.
Foolish kith! They cannot grasp our fervor, they fear the blood that covers the blade of Cain. Petty feuds have conquered their minds. Their cathedrals of blood, their shreds of land will fall under the wrath of the Patriarchs. Voyvodas of Old Clan have lost their warbands, blades of theirs have dulled, no brethren are they to Sabbath. How much of their fledglings have they subdued, how much have they driven astray, how much have they turned against the children of Cain, as much shall they receive in turn by their deeds. Once children of theirs see how sacred is the crusade to all of the children of Cain, hence then we will take them into the Sabbat's bosom as our own kith.
The time has not come yet. Forbidden it is to lay your minds bare to the voyvodas as you may to your brethren. In their lands be as silent as the snake in a scull of a horse that has stricken down Olgherd the Prophetic. Listen, listen to the whispers of the high walls, but your own lips hold clasped. Let me be the one to lenify them, rule their fear before the thicker blood.
— A Volha's Word, a piece from lore tidbits voiced by the characters that I wrote for my players.
I maybe will write more about Moscow Sleepless, the chronicle itself, or I may not (who knows? certainly not me!)
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Well hello-hello fellow queers!
My name is Антон (Anton), I am as well un_known as Антон Лжец (Anton Ljetz), Anton Hoax, Tony Hoax, HIMM of Heaux, Priscilla Anthony Heaux, Zima von Heaux, Anthony von Heaux...
☉
Well, you can just call me a...
LIAR!
This word means a lot to me. Frankly speaking, I used to be afraid of somebody ever calling me a liar. It felt like a hate crime — to lie to, to be lied to, to be lied about... But then this word turned out to exist as a little bit more complex concept in my own head.
I am a liar.
I've been lying each time I was too afraid to come out to my parents.
I've been lying each time I decided not to paint my nails, not to dye my hair, not to pierce my ears, not to express myself as I always wished I could...
As well as I, practically, was lying each time I made up a character, a piece of another universe, a piece of some freaky fantasy story.
As well as I, practically, was constantly lying to myself, constantly denying that I am an individual that constantly...
CREATES.
... or makes up stories or expresses their own feelings in poetic form or draws his characters expressing these emotions and ideas as well or just creating stuff for it to merely existbecausetheonlythingthatmakesmefeelthatiamstillaliveisconstantcreationevenifchancesofitactuallyworthingadimeareprettyloW *INHALE*
All in all, I consider myself a creator. Well, what do liars do? They make up lies. They CREATE lies.
Thus, I AM A LIAR, THAT CREATES...
ART.
☉
My main mediums are:
☉ Visual arts aka mainly but not solely drawing.
"PRISCILLA IN JUNE: LOOK AT ME", june's pic for "ROUND THE YEAR WITH THE HEAUX FAMILY XOXO" calendar. 2025
Unnamed pic, art of my character, Scellox, The Life Elemental. 2022 (probably?)
"DISTORTED: Self-image", 2026.
"Lily: of death" and "Butterfly: of somebody's fleeting speeches that you cannot recall".
A few of the "I AM LISTENING: somebody's fleeting speeches that you cannot recall" installation subjects.
That's some modern art shi 4real man...
Sybau...💔
☉ Games
I design videogames, tabletop role play games, tabletop games. By which I mean, I design games. I am a game designer.
Ew.
By the way, all my gamedev projects are going to be developed be the "house of hoax" studio, which is mine, my gamedev studio. made by me, for me, by me, to make my projects that are mine and present games by me.
My lead project now is DISCPLE: MANTIS (TBA, but all in all I may drop a tumblr blog for this project solely... keep in touch!)
DISCIPLE: MANTIS (TBA, house of hoax). Provided poster and trailer are outdated.
☉ Poetry
I usually write poetry in my native language (which is being Russian by chance), so if you are not okay with that, well... that's on you. I do not plan on translating my native poetry, так что если вы не понимаете — делайте выводы и учите русский язык, я-то вас бля прекрасно понимаю. I DO LOVE RUSSIAN LANGUAGE, BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT CULTURE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICAL AGENDA THANK YOU :)
Anyways, there is some poetry in English from time to time, enjoy :)
"...только вдвоём."
☉ Prose
As well as my pieces of poetry, I do write prose in my native language, which is, again, is being Russian by chance. I DO LOVE RUSSIAN LANGUAGE, BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT CULTURE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICAL AGENDA THANK YOU :)
Unnamed text.
☉ Drag
I am a raging-ass drag queen, drag king, drag they-them nonbinary vegan vegetarian-
Jokes aside, I am a member of Freak du Chic theatrical troupe wink-wink if you get what I mean by theatrical troupe (ой какая красивая женщина как жаль что она мужчина и у нее хуй).
I perform as Priscilla Anthony Heaux. She prefers to describe herself as...
"Manic, frantic bitch-hoe-ass-slut fag killer and the reigning queen of Lesbos"
yeah...
She's burdened by her two brothers, one faggier than another (ненавижу педиков кста, в рот их всех ебал а ой). Zima von Heaux is a depressed artist, whilst Athony von Heaux is a отсидевший пятёру насильник, пироманьяк, еблан, мразь, конч, токсик, убежище, трущоба, минус вайбик, лакей капитала, попс, капиталист, скотобаза, инфецированный скотоублюдским вирусом и в то же время порабощенный укропами предатель родины. Well, basically, all the basic things about an average Russian male species that did not experience the GULAG ehem the summer camp "Орлёнок" of RussianQueerness™.
I do not possess Zima's images yet, he's too scared to leave his own bed (it smells like
shit
by the way). So here is white-faced Anthony and pink-faced Priscilla.
It is #drag. It is #drag.
It is #drag.
☉ Occultism
I will not say a thing. I am an occultist, a kemetist. It is important. Prolly gon post on that topic once. Prolly gon drop some эзотерический абстрактный рэп in collaboration with my @rhombedrum and @eirewinne homies. #. SWAGLESS DO NOT INTERACT.
Well umm.... ставьте лайки и репосты жмите колокольчик пишите комментарии хей пацаааан или может не пацан не ленись подпишись на канал МНЕ ОЧЕНЬ ЖАЛЬ.
tumblr do not ban me for f slur I AM AN F SLUR TRUST ME JUST FUCKING TRUST ME I AM THE FAGGIEST FAG ON THE FAGTOPIAN ISLAND OUT THERE. ☉☉☉☉☉☉
Posted by Смартфон Vivo Прямая кишка Антона Лжеца.
As a certified Tremere stan, I suppose I have to do all the educational work here. Sigh.
Yall in those tags don't understand theee Homosexual Culture of any magical order, such as an Order of Hermes. Tremere is the single most ruthless homosexual clan, even more so than Toreador is in stereotypes. AND I'M TIRED OF EVERYONE PRETENDING IT ISN'T.
Tremere do fuck, it's just that every intercourse is a Le Mysterie other 'plebs' are not allowed to partake in (do not support, do not condone).
DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW THE CLAN WAS FOUNDED? THAT SHIT HAPPENED BECAUSE GORATRIX DESPERATELY WANTED THEE LORD TREMERE FOR HIMSELF ALONE, BUT AFTER THE FOUNDING OF CEORIS COULD NOT FUCK ANYMORE !!! (and thus we know who was topping most of the time...)
SASHA VYKOS WAS EMBRACED AS A TZCIMISCE AND NOT A TREMERE ONLY BECAUSE GORATRIX WAS JEALOUS, FFS-
Also. the rituals. "Oh, here's a quick and easy one that allows us kindred to return one mortal trait, any you wish, but just one..." WHAT DO YOU THINK THE MOST USUAL ONES ARE??? WHAT DO YALL THINK????
The fuckless virgin stereotype needs to die out. We, the Tremere, do not fuck, we make you fully experience the mysterie of an art that is passionate sex. Periodt.
I'll end this with a copypaste:
Greetings, a seeker of wonders from Vienna and its outskirts. I am an infernalist, an heir to the blood of Goratrix the Traitor. I am willing and able to prove the existence of the supernatural ungodly forces, and this experience is available to any kindred. I have burdened myself with this heavy sinful task, and can impart vice upon any willful soul.
What do I suggest? We can meet up on a cemetery, a big cemetery, far from any living soul, with old tombstones, where leagues are only of graves. I will come there fully enrobed and carrying a standard, and with thaumaturgical rituals I will guide myself into a trance state. Thus i will be able to plead the spirits and they will bring forth a miracle upon you, something unexpected will manifest. For instance, your Beast might awaken and will start acting queerly. Or otherworldly fires may glint (if your sight will be ready). Or a mad-driven wraith apparition might arise. Or a demon will come forth. Or you may notice shivering shadows on the sides of your consciousness. A Mysterie will occur! We will feel what ancient Tremere might have felt during rituals of summon, sanctifying the foundation of Ceoris!
I call upon you to manifest your dream come true, spitting on commandments! I am a descendant of Cain the fornicator.
The Triptych with my VtM oc, Aeskild, who originally was an m!Tremere protag from VTMB.
The triptych illustrates major character arks in his backstory, that I've also allegorically retold through The Playlist. It showcases, of course, his Superior Taste™ in music.
I'll post each and one separately laters. I've started this triptych in autumn 2025, and finished in February 2026.
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The Playlist, as an allegorical retelling of Aeskild's backstory through music. An addition to The Tryptich.
Will I post about his backstory:? Nah, some other times.
Will I now yap about The Playlist and the Reasoning Behind It, since it is integral for the depiction of Aeskild in The Tryptich? Yes...
I DO NOT have any mental capacity to translate it all, so it will be posted in russian. Maybe later I'll translate it with an edit, repost it in english, add translation in a reblog, etc. Or not.
idk, my non-russian-speaking moots, I'm sorry.
The sheer WALL of text will be under cut, naturally...
I'll hide some sketches there. And maybe there will be memes with Aeskild, too.
Who knows? Open at your own caution:
Вступление, увертюра
Janus Saves первым треком использован потому, что помимо прохождения вайбчека это один из сильнейших моментов в Утопии и, это атмосфера монолога, создающего тональность для действий антагонистов как абсолютно логичных, правильных и обоснованных.
Этюд Шопена вторым, и не потому что хаха выразительно поднятая бровь, а потому, что Аскиль виртуозно играет на фортепиано, ну реально у него и данные для этого есть, и навык отточен, и любовь к музыке. Вот тот щитпост про Rush E и "mediocre, no offense" в сторону другого исполнителя, только чтобы флексануть легкостью исполнения композиции, не предназначенной для живой игры — в этом типа весь Аскиль. И этот этюд идеально это передает тем, какой НАВЫК он требует для исполнения, и насколько обманчиво-медленно и размеренно его начало на контрасте со сложностью и скоростью всего этюда. Помимо сложности структуры, скорость бега композиции и то, как она как бы "сбивается" с куска на кусок, насколько она драматично-нервна в своем спокойствии… Что-то, что Аскилем ассоциируется и описывает его легко, похоже на его внутренний поток мыслей относительно его маски спокойствия.
Далее я просто характеризую его крупными, широкими мазками через культовую музыку, которая нравилась бы ему лично. Swans — Fool стоит немного отдельно от его вкусовых предпочтений тем, что она ему не просто нравится, это именно тот трек, в котором он находит отражение себя.
Shortparis, при том, что Аскиль их бы не услышал очевидно во время его истории, в этот блок затесался не случайно. По композиции и смыслам Так закалялась сталь во-первых, предвещает структуру плейлиста, а во-вторых, раскрывает тему насилия в жизни Аскиля, и к чему эти переживания привели.
И эти широкие мазки продолжаются… До The Drop из альбома "Excavation" Бобби Крлика, Haxan Cloak. Потому что именно The Drop является нарративной увертюрой для следующих блоков. Эти блоки поделены триптихом Hades от Mondkopf. И этот триптих делит плейлист на главы, соотносящиеся с жизнью Аскиля.
Повествование будет формировать эдакая "перекличка" между треками с одних и тех же альбомов, это в принципе заметно везде, очевиднее всего на Swans, но особенно важно для "Excavation" Haxan Cloak и "Speechless" Resina, потому что они сигналят о сюжетных вехах.
Here there should be a CW/TW put, but i can't even put it into words correctly, fuck. Just believe me a theme of experience of violence and abuse is an important one in Aeskild's backstory.
Hades I: Teen Years
Открывает кусок "детства-отрочества" Cool Gray 1 из альбома "Pan Tone" моих двух любимых не-игровых композиторов. Он идеально синхронится с Black 6 в третьем разделе. Много писать не буду, но их настроение заметно различается, первый меланхоличнее, но легче, второй гораздо глубже и медитативнее по звучанию.
Screenshot Swans из альбома "To be Kind" как бы понятно обрисовывает в целом "детство" и невинность… И я просто скажу, что далее этот же альбом и одноименный трек отражают куски предыстории как нельзя лучше.
В отличии от второго этапа, этот кусок структурирован не последовательно по времени, а по частоте "вытаскивания" воспоминаний из головы Аскиля и по их… ну, тяжести. Все, что следует до нарративной вехи, отражает самые светлые и теплые воспоминания "в кучку".
Такой период детского и отроческого счастья, даже если оно уже было запятнано травмой. Shortparis в этом отрезке опять скорее предвещает выход из периода детской невинности, и частью строк намекает на то, что ждет Аскиля дальше. Тут я их треки использую как раз как намек, а когда на самом деле в таймлайне были эпизоды травмы… И так же как сигнал сознания самого Аскиля "а помнишь, что это событие потянуло за собой… / а помнишь, что случилось до этого воспоминания, ведь в нем ты вспомнил о…". Такая функция у Скука и Только Хуже Стало.
Consumed открывает самый травматичный эпизод школьной травли в сторону Аскиля — не случайно, потому что это "интро" для Excavation, для которого увертюра плейлиста, The Drop — финал альбома. Пляж Дельфина соотносится с эпизодом, а To be Kind, в своей структуре аллегорически описывающая "разламывающееся молотком детство", тут как нельзя кстати. Именно потому следует Mercury Immersion — помимо атмосферы и реакции он выступает сетапом для финального нарративного аккорда от Resina.
После этого тон разительно меняется, и переводит к ощущенческому переживанию того, чем была жизнь после травматизации. А именно выжженой и сумбурной монтажной склейкой, тянущейся бесконечно долго, затертой до неузнаваемости. Pornoghraphy The Cure тут очень важна атмосферно и структурно, как и общее ощущение от композиции. Треки с альбома True Widow я использую для похожего эффекта чуть раньше и далее, потому что сам их слушал в период самого пиздеца в своей жизни, а вернее, опустошения от него. Ну и Аскилю бы они очень понравились, это факт.
Период закрывает Miste с Excavation - Your Eyes Are My Teeth Memotone - Meditative Chaos из сериала Utopia (2014). Это как раз конец подросткового возраста и разрыв всех связей с местом и людьми, которые символизировали для Аскиля отрочество и детство.
Трек Memotone тут очень важен как сигнал "перепросмотра" всех воспоминаний прошлого и рефлексии этого периода, потому что трек очень нетипичен для исполнителя и крайне внезапен в этом альбоме, такой случайный гем, который на остальной альбом вовсе непохож тонально, и скорее будто из репертуара Тома Йорке. Hearing Damage долго ассоциировался у меня с Аскилем, но его тут намеренно нет — они с Your Eyes Are My Teeth очень похожи, и второй еще и темнее по атмосфере, вместо меланхолии первого. А Meditative Chaos как бы закрывает общие ощущения Аскиля касательно собственого детства-отрочества, и конечно, невероятно важен как хук для главной ядерки позднее.
Hades II: Young Adulthood
Вступаю я тут с тех треков, которые… Выражаясь прямо, через вкус Аскиля символизируют его полный моральный разъеб — только вот он сам его еще не осознает. И вместо расшаркивания вокруг да около, сразу через Sex God Sex перехожу к, эм, отношениям Аскиля с профессором теологии. Я еще очень давно говорил о том, что трек для описания этого этапа идеален в вакууме…
Но за ним следует нетипичный для всего плейлиста ремикс (!) Pain Boy Harsher от Soft Moon, который вместе с Sugarbread добавляет красок так сказать к палитре. Все после Mara с Excavation… описывает плеяду эмоций, чувств и реакций на один единственный сексуальный опыт, который я при пересказе [предыстории] кратком опустил. Это единственный момент, где я позволяю трекам одной группы с похожим настроением идти друг за другом, и позволяю это только Swans.
До Recall Resina я продолжаю описывать этот форменный пиздец в жизни и голове Аскиля сквозь треклист. И на этом треке можно сказать, происходит разрыв этих отношений… Казалось бы, учитывая полностью вокальную композицию, странно использовать для описания ситуации именно его. Но красота аккорда станет понятна дальше.
Реакция, вместе с осознанием и пониманием произошедшего… И тем, что следовало из этого по истории Аскиля. Особенно тут важны Burning Torches of Despair — они перекликаются с The Growing с того же альбома Haxan Cloak. И рисуют изначальную реакцию и последующее ощущение от рефлексии по теме. Но я забегаю вперед. Стыд Shortparis вместе с She Loves Us Swans рисуют момент, когда Аскиль ставит на себе крест — и переходит к постоянным беспорядочным половым связям, лишь бы забить дыру внутри и почувствовать чужую любовь и ласку хотя бы вот так. She Loves Us тут особенно… иронична, при том, что Аскиль уже не верит, что его можно любить в принципе. На этом моменте своей жизни, и очень долго впоследствии.
Dieu с Excavation сигнализирует просто и четко решение Аскиля взять и бросить всю свою жизнь где-то позади, в Дании, и — выражаясь прямо — съебаться к хуям от прошлого окночательно и бесповоротно.
Hades III: The Becoming
Hagazussa в начале не случайно. Обе версии обрамляют полное становление Аскиля как персонажа. Это долго тянущийся финальный аккорд его предыстории.
После — уже указанный Black 6. Переход из нежно-холодного серого в ледяной черный красиво показывает состояние Аскиля. С одной стороны, это и уязвленное эго, и жгучая зависть от собственной нереализованности. Понимание, что Будущего Нет. С другой, это попытка вернуться к заброшенной страсти жизни — музыке. И переосмысление собственного детства. Не полное — саморефлексия и осознание своей сломанности… Будет позже. А пока то, что формирует Высоко Эстетический Вкус Аскиля. Я впервые здесь использую скандинавского композитора, Пера Нёргарда — его и другую экспериментальщину Аскиль распробовал уже взрослым.
Тут заканчивается мини-увертюра отдельно для третьего этапа, такой широко-описательный кусок.
Excavation 1 и Excavation 2 оформляют уже отдельные этапы… собирания себя по кускам. Две стадии воскрешения.
Первая часть про саморефлексию, перепроживание и осознание травм, отложенную реакцию на них. Здесь трек с альбома Speechless Resina и Arby's Oratorio из Утопии. Они считай ОТКРЫВАЮТ момент разбора всех пережитых событий фактически и по полочкам в голове Аскиля. А затем. The Growing. Я не буду его комментировать… просто. Этот трек. Он. Здесь.
Момент разбора всех пережитых событий — через деконструкцию треков вступления. Период завершает Шостакович… и Execution — Torture — Hanging. У них буквально зеркальная внутренняя структура, они описывают широкими мазками, как Аскиль был разломан (струнный квартет), и как он сам себя выстраивает заново в то… Какой он вот сейчас. Вернее, только начинает. Забавным образом, струнный квартет №8 про последствия, а второй трек про момент слома. Не перерождение, но смерть.
Excavation 2… А именно — обращение Аскиля. Blood and Honey тут обязателен, как колыбельная-панихида. И учитывая как неонатов часто обращают… В общем, референс на прошлые треки Swans из этого альбома. И именно после звучит последний трек с альбома Speechless, Failed Myth Simulation. Тут возвращается вокализация, которая так важна во второй части и далее.
Тут я не удерживаюсь и… Вставляю трек с огромного коллаба Хильдюр Гюднадоттир. Наверное, единственный трек из всего плейлиста, который действительно эмоционально показывает, как ледяная ярость Аскиля чувствуется для него изнутри, как для него ощущается полноценный срыв в гнев.
Далее ВАЖНЕЙШИЙ мазок в общей картине, Where Is Jessica Hide Part 1… Звучащий на фоне отрывок монолога здесь еще более сигнатурен, чем в первом треке плейлиста. Этот монолог открывает одну из самых висцеральных, тяжелых и гротескных сцен насилия, за которую сериал чуть не отменили в прокате. И это просто вишенка в плейлисте, которая красиво обрамляет тематику насилия.
И именно этот, и никакой другой трек, приводит весь плейлист не в кульминацию, КАТАРСИС, ГОСПОДА-СОАВТОРЫ.
DO YOU DOUBT ME TRAITOR.
Здесь полностью вокализуется отношение Аскиля ко всему, что с ним произошло. Я уже говорил, что он пиздец злопамятный? Это финальный аккорд становления личности, и именно по этой причине вокал в треках из Speechless был настолько важен.
Эпилог — Hagazussa Madichon, где к дроуну добавляется хоровой вокал. Становление свершилось.
И закрывает плейлист The Moaning Pyramid.
Метаморфоз, превращение, обращение… Завершены.
Here are some old af sketches with Aeskild and Vincent for your mental health. And as a treat for reading all that yapping above!
D'espairsRay revealed a new look on their instagram, along with information about a planned show in May 2026, re-instating of their fanclub [un]beautiful and making all of their musik available on straming/downloading services!