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9 tahun silam, di kelas 10, Pak Guru bilang bahwa masa SMA adalah terakhir kalinya kami bisa bersantai menikmati hidup. Katanya, mahasiswa dan orang dewasa lainnya gak berkeliaran sambil nyedot es teh diplastikin.

Aku terpelatuk dengan pernyataan beliau. Pikirku waktu itu adalah, "hah... serius amat". Apalagi, sebagai anak SMA, aku gak merasa nyantai. Masa hidup gini banget sih?

Sejak saat itu, es (gak harus) teh (tapi harus) diplastikin—es cekek—punya sentimen tersendiri buatku. Semacam simbol kebahagiaan.

Sekarang aku kerja di remote site. Bertugas berminggu-minggu jelas menguras energi. Kadang sangat kewalahan karena satu dan banyak hal. Sampai... suatu siang bolong di kantor ada yang bagi-bagi sesuatu:

Es ✅ Teh ✅ Diplastikin ✅ BINGO.

Betul, makin lama kita hidup, makin kompleks juga tantangannya. Tapi entah secara sukarela ataupun tidak disengaja, kita akan terus belajar untuk jadi mengerti. And it turns out that we can focus on the big picture while still enjoying the little details. Jika big picture-nya adalah hal kompleks yang harus disikapi dengan serius, maka little details-nya seperti momen es cekek: sepele tapi bikin nyengir.

Momen es cekek pun gak harus secara harfiah selalu berwujud es cekek. Bisa aja wujudnya kopi panas, coto makassar di kantin mess (menu yang semakin langkaaa ☹️), atau perubahan jadwal penerbangan tanpa pemberitahuan sehingga cutiku terpaksa 👉👈 nambah sehari. Hehe.

My gray canvas, you painted it blue It was my favorite admired and adored

but now I'm scraping it all off Scratches and marks, don't mind

I hate blue.

Sometimes I think I'm dumb, and then I look at my younger self.

And start to compare myself now vs then.

Reflecting... reflecting...

Hmm I have been developing a lot for sure.

That makes me think that my younger self is the most regrettable, and then I bump into some good old physical evidences.

Ooh hey look, I wasn't as cringey as my peers when being cringey was the trend.

My English wasn't that broken!

My logic and reasoning was cool.

My writings at 6, 11, 13 were as lively as what I wrote at 16, 19, 20...

Whoaa I really have things to flex~

And then that makes me start to think that I haven't been progressing much.

After all this time, I only gain age count.

I think I'm dumb again, return to top.

A CYCLE!?!?

I don't know what the absolutely freaking complex it is anymore.

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Dear God,

I know that You exist, and I believe in You with all my faith

But why did You create such a being like me? An abject one, until

I myself couldn't even understand them

I was once happy. Too happy

But it was like in my other life, wasn't it?

Though in this creed of Yours, there's no such thing as other life

Every soul lives once, then dies. Am I mistaken?

If that so, was that happiness unreal? That I remembered?

Everything felt surreal, Dear God,

This sorrow, this void

How long has it been, I forgot

And it all felt surreal

Or maybe too realistic, until I could hardly believe it and sometimes

denied it into a mere illusion

My Dear God, I'm confused

Every time I reflect on it, any day, month, year, season, mood

I can always find You

There's this sense of sobriety and warmth, but

the cold world seems to always shred it again and again

It is the same pit of blackness, dragging me down mercilessly

Thank God everyone's eyes are shrouded

Or is it me doing God's work, the greatest of the black!

Oh look, I praise my crumbling self

Ha ha, what a jester

Maybe I'm too young

Twenty-one and arrived at the ending of the book

Twenty-one and undergone two thousand and one

My apology, Dear God, I won't ask You much

This one creation is wretched

You give them one, I'll ask thousands more

You give them billions, I'll cry for one dissatisfaction

Pathetic. Just please take it all, and don't spare me

So when the time comes, Dear God, my time

I beg You to make haste

I can endure crawling when everyone else is running

But I dare not to take my own life

When I'm tired of endless crawling, not knowing where to go

Dear God,

I'm only Yours

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Originally written in Indonesian: "Serah".

I probably will show you,

Hey, you

I'm just now leaving

Can I come around later on this evening?

Or do you need time?

Yes, of course, that's fine

Hey, you

Good morning

I'm sure you're busy now, why else would you ignore me?

Or do you need space?

You can't help it if your mind has changed

So go ahead and break my heart again

Leave me wonderin' why the hell I ever let you in

Are you the definition of insanity?

Or am I?

Oh, it must be nice

To love someone who lets you break them twice

You're so blue

Are you still breathing?

Won't you tell me if you found that deeper meaning?

Do you think I've gone blind?

I know it's not the truth when you say, "I'm fine"

So go ahead and break my heart again

Leave me wonderin' why the hell I ever let you in

Are you the definition of insanity?

Or am I?

Oh, it must be nice

To love someone who lets you break them twice

Don't pretend that I'm the instigator

You were the one, but you were born to say goodbye

Kissed me half a decade later

That same perfume, those same sad eyes

Go ahead and break my heart again

Leave me wonderin' why the hell I ever let you in

Are you the definition of insanity?

Or am I?

Or am I?

It must be nice

Yesterday night I asked my little brother to take a personality test.

I have always sensed that he must be an intuitive perceiver.

I was very right.

My brother is an ENTP.

This means we have all four primary cognitive functions in common.

I have Ti, Ne, Si, and Fe since I am a definite INTP.

He has Ne, Ti, Fe, and Si since he is an ENTP.

Notice that dominant and auxiliary placement.

They're switched!

Which explains a lot about our dynamics.

We are two completely different people despite being raised by the same set of parents, under the same roof, and attended identical alma maters.

We are polar opposites in so many aspects.

Strangers and people who don't know both of us altogether would never think that we're related.

Yet we are also copies in so many aspects.

From a deeper, frequently overlooked perspective, we're uncannily similar.

Indescribably similar.

It is amazing how every cognitive function manifests uniquely on the stack, and how their behavior depends on an exact functions order.

Now I'm in the chasmic Jungian jungle, exploring.

Learning as much as I can pick up.

So please don't wait for me.

This could take a lifetime.

(Been there before and still, but not for ENTP)

People are vivid and small and don’t live very long—

When I was a kid my teachers said Sweet smart little child, you're so quiet and we're glad Go follow them, don't make a noise We'll give an A if you sit still

Little did they understand I was doing what I was thinking And I saw how having a personality could make a praise How shallow the adults are But I'm a good kid so that's okay

Soon I grew a little older the adults said Young lad with little sayings, you're so quiet but shine through Let's work it out for what you deserve Put you in the spotlight is all that matters

Little did they understand I was only being myself And nothing distracted me really from my busy vast mind How the adults never bothered But I loved it and that's okay

I came near to adulthood everyone said Where on earth has the potential gone All there's left is a brooding frame Look at me in the eyes, some said You're deep absorbed and now you're lost

Little did I understand They were doing what they always do The docile ones will gonna make it And not YOU! Not a misfit! Pride was their narrow standard Drowned in, overwhelmed, I wasn't okay

Now I'm an adult I've matured quite much Nobody tells me nothing but the world is too loud And so I whisper closely to myself, you're always thinking, am I doing right? Go write it down or you're forgotten All that I've learned is all that matters

Everything From everyone Through every time Any that exists by my birth To what ceases with my demise All becomes me

Translated into English from 나의 사춘기에게 by Bolbbalgan4.

나는 한때 내가 이 세상에 사라지길 바랬어 At some point in my life, I used to wish that I was gone from this world 온 세상이 너무나 캄캄해 매일 밤을 울던 날 The whole world seemed so dark and I cried every night 차라리 내가 사라지면 마음이 편할까 Will I feel better if I just disappeared? 모두가 날 바라보는 시선이 너무나 두려워 I was so afraid of everyone's eyes on me

아름답게 아름답던 그 시절을 난 아파서 During those beautifully beautiful days, I was in pain 사랑받을 수 없었던 내가 너무나 싫어서 I hated myself so much for not being able to receive love 엄마는 아빠는 다 나만 바라보는데 My mom and my dad, they're only looking at me 내 마음은 그런 게 아닌데 자꾸만 멀어만 가 It's not how I really feel, my heart keeps getting further away

어떡해 어떡해 어떡해 어떡해 What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

시간이 약이라는 말이 내게 정말 맞더라고 The saying time is medicine was really true for me 하루가 지나면 지날수록 더 나아지더라고 As the days went by, I really did get better 근데 가끔은 너무 행복하면 또 아파올까 봐 But sometimes when I'm too happy, I'm afraid I'll be in pain again 내가 가진 이 행복들을 누군가가 가져갈까 봐 I'm afraid that someone will take away this happiness I have

아름다운 아름답던 그 기억이 난 아파서 Those beautifully beautiful memories were so painful 아픈 만큼 아파해도 사라지지를 않아서 I hurt to the point where I could hurt no more but the pain wouldn't go away 친구들은 사람들은 다 나만 바라보는데 My friends, all these people, they're only looking at me 내 모습은 그런 게 아닌데 자꾸만 멀어만 가 This isn't how I really am but I keep getting further away

그래도 난 어쩌면 But still, maybe I could be 내가 이 세상에 밝은 빛이라도 될까 봐 A bright light in this world 어쩌면 그 모든 아픔을 내딛고서라도 Maybe even after going through all that pain 짧게 빛을 내볼까 봐 I can shine a light even if it's short 포기할 수가 없어 So I couldn't give up 하루도 맘 편히 잠들 수가 없던 내가 The me that couldn't fall asleep peacefully for a single night 이렇게라도 일어서 보려고 하면 Because maybe if I keep trying to stand up like this 내가 날 찾아줄까 봐 I might be able to find myself

Komm, süsser Tod - ARIANNE, Shiro Sagisu

Crooked - G-Dragon

Will the Circle be Unbroken - Courtnee Draper

Every song by The Smiths, e. g. I Know It's Over, Asleep, and Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want

Feelings are Fatal - mxmtoon

Happy - Skinnyfabs

Road to Nowhere - Sacha Stevenson

In My Blood - Shawn Mendes

MEIN GOTT - Atsushi Kousaka

Walk on Water - Eminem ft. Beyoncé

Too Good at Goodbyes - Sam Smith

Reflection - Christina Aguilera

Malibu Nights - LANY

Jeremy - Pearl Jam

One More Light - Linkin Park

Hurt - Johnny Cash

All Dead, All Dead - Queen

Fine on the Outside - Priscilla Ahn

Fix You - Coldplay

Yesterday - The Beatles

Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance

The Only Thing - Sufjan Stevens

Heaven - Troye Sivan

I woke up at 5.15 am this morning after experiencing a weird dream. I was put in a life-or-death situation, which forced me to act nimbly and cleverly to save the lives of at least eight people. In the heat of the situation, a daring move was made. And without my conscious consent, I had turned the tide.