black holes and revelations

“i… uh, hm.” nevada put his hands on his hips and arched a brow. “it’s not really mine?”

‘who’s is it then?’

@eightmillionbeats​

Just keep breathing–

Just keep breathing–

Just keep breathing–

She’s inhaling deep– doing her best to keep herself steady, and fend of the panic attack that’s been steadily wrapping itself around her lungs. Her fingers toy with the delicate lace of her reception dress– and trace the intricate patterns in the fabric in a desperate attempt to keep her mind busy. Tweety is a do-er. she needs a plan of action–instead what she has is a notorious husband. She twists the wedding ring around her finger. It feels heavier than it should. The plane is quiet, it’s just her and– him moving steadily from Monaco to Italy. She has no one. No family, her father–after all-had practically sold her to him. Her mother had stood there smiling. She is a pawn--and it feels futile to pretend. Briefly–she considers diving off the plane. Instead she stands and reaches for the champagne bottle between them, and avoids his gaze.

The plane jerks once– twice– before the seatbelt light comes on with a soft ding. “Right–”She doesn’t get the chance to sit before she’s hurtled onto his lap, without any semblance of grace. It’s a hard landing– and she’s mortified and a little bit worried about the capabilities of their pilot. “Jesus– I’m so sorry–” She meets his gaze with an embarrassed smile on her lips. It’s probably the first time since their perfunctory ceremonial kiss that she’s actually looked at him. “I hope I didn’t break anything important– that cannot be good luck.” She stretches over and  lifts the champagne bottle that she’d managed to save from breaking– and forgets for a moment that she’s crushed against him.  “Champagne? I know your parents wanted me to play nanny–but you’re a grown man and I’ve just been abandoned by my family–so I can start all that shite tomorrow. Tonight? We drink. A lot. So much drinking.” 

Gaspard was mostly sat in silence, trying to keep his gaze fixed on the world they were passing through outside. This whole arranged marriage fiasco had been the topic of most family dinners for the last few months. 

       The last few days felt hazy. 

Gaspard was still somewhat processing. Even though, he’d somewhat resigned himself to this situation, it was still weird. He’d just married someone who was basically a stranger. 

Even so, he seemed to be coping with it better than she. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the fidgeting. So much fidgeting. 

Naturally he was quite a still person. Sometimes his mother would admonish him for just zoning out at dinner. It wasn’t hard to do when the topics of conversation were dull and dry - his father’s political affairs, his upcoming marriage, the gossip of the town. Gaspard just did not care.

With how silent and still he could be, you might think he was a boring child. An obedient kid who posed his parents no problems. 

                           That could not be further from the truth. 

His parents had two PR managers assigned to him at all times. Their main job? Killing any story about his shenanigans that would cast a bad light on the royal family. 

It was kind of funny at the beginning. He’d get into different kinds of trouble to see how far he could push it. He’d even hired a prostitute once - but then took her to a nice dinner, gave her three months’ worth of rent and she ended up dragging him to a club he’d never even heard of before. They didn’t have sex but they had a great night. 

Gaspard didn’t really plan things. He just got an idea and went with it before ever thinking it through properly.

He was torn away from his thoughts when Zahira basically fell into his lap. There was some mention of her being referred to as Tweety but Gaspard didn’t really care because Tweety was a bird and he was a boy. And Zahira was clearly not a boy. 

‘I did not know the honeymoon would start so soon.’ He quipped a little dryly. His hands remained firmly on the arm rests either side. It felt disrespectful to move them anywhere else. Though a man should certainly feel more sure around his wife. 

‘I will not say no to the drinking.’ He added a moment later then, offering a small smile before continuing. ‘...or the honeymoon.’

nevada ran his hands fingers through his loosely styled hair. the product he used was both expensive and effective in that he could play with it all he wanted and it remained both soft and malleable. he eyed jude for a moment, wondering what he was thinking – wondering if this had tarnished nev’s precarious first impression. then he wondered if that really mattered. nevada was doing what he had to do to survive (and he rarely ended up naked – for some reason, men were perfectly inclined to pay top dollar simply for his time and company).

he pressed his lips together, arching an eyebrow at the doe-eyed brunet. he looked so sweet and kind; it felt like it had been ages since nevada had seen that in anyone’s face. a small smile curled at the corners of his mouth, and nev nodded. “okay. a glass of water trade-off for a second drink for you.” it seemed fair enough. besides, this was probably the most nevada had ever had to drink in public in his life ( he’d gotten far drunker than this on one other occasion, but that had been with a client and used as a coping mechanism, so he didn’t think it counted against him ).

“jude, you are far more than a convenient stranger. you are also a handsome and kind stranger.” nevada’s face had split into a grin – and, when he smiled, he looked like a different person – kaleidoscope boy. “how would you have me remember you?”

jude was surprised to receive so little pushback. this was never that easy with zion. there was kicking and screaming and sometimes throwing the glass of water at jude’s head. but mere acceptance? unheard of. 

he realized his body was tense and fully prepared for the push back, to continue fighting his point. weirdly, he had to find it in himself to relax and accept the little victory. nevada had agreed. a glass of water for him and another drink for jude. 

he visibly relaxed in his seat and smiled. 

‘that sounds great to me.’

and jude might have almost tricked himself into feeling comfortable next to nevada. 

                  but then he spoke again. 

                                     handsome.                      kind.

jude was pretty sure no one had ever called him handsome. between him and zion, his twin was the more noticeable twin. wherever they went, he was the center of attention and jude was used to hanging back. no one paid him that much attention and he was okay with that generally. 

but being called handsome gave him a weird feeling. sort of like someone had taken his stomach and tied some knots into it. 

the question that nevada posed weighed on jude. how could he answer? he wasn’t really ever supposed to be this close to someone like nevada, much less be speaking to him and saying these things. 

what was the answer? 

‘thank you, no one’s ever.. said that to me. but uh, i guess i’d want to be a good memory.’

with his heart pounding against his chest, he moved his hand to rest on nevada’s knee and he even gave it a little squeeze. though his bravery wore off rapidly as he removed his hand a mere moment later. 

                       stupid. 

Why was Jude like this? How did he know exactly what to say to make Zion feel better? Like no matter what state Zion had worked himself up into once he was in Jude’s embrace it seemed like all of that just melted away. He always thought on the brighter side, he could always find the silver lining and make Zion see the light. Life had been tough, of course it had been. The things they had witnessed, been apart of, survived…it was enough to fuck anyone up. But never the less they persevered. Even through their darkest of days and the longest of nights they still had each other. No. Matter. What.

Zion swallowed hard, part of him wanted to refused the embrace, argue. But he knew better, that was not what he wanted to do. He wanted to wrap his arms around his brother and hold him tight. He returned Jude’s tight embrace, allowing himself to be pulled in close to his twin. He wrapped his arms around Jude’s neck and held him tight for a moment returning the heartfelt hug. 

He could see under the glow of the moonlight his palm tattoo.

“Can’t Fold” he murmured to himself softly.

It was so true. He couldn’t and he wouldn’t. Not for himself, no he didn’t have much regard for his own life….clearly. But for Jude. There was no way in HELL he was going to let his reckless actions  put Jude in danger, make him sad, no. His only goal in life was to make sure his younger brother was smiling.

Ever since he could remember, taking Jude along on his adventures had been his main goal in life. Things would be so boring if he were alone. Who would help him climb the tall trees or race through the deserts? Who would be his partner in crime and his one true friend? His only friend.

Zion and Jude had never needed anyone else because they had always had each other. The twins were entirely too co-dependant on the other one, but for completely different reasons.

They had been on the road for a while now. They had lived through some shit, but all the experiences they had together…Zion wouldn’t trade them for the world. Jude was so good at helping to remind him off the good things in life.

“Bro, I don’t deserve you” Zee said with a little smile, pulling away slightly but not out of their embrace fully. He looked his brother in the eyes firmly.

“I’m never gonna leave you okay? I PROMISE” he said sternly.

“Pinky promise” Zee added with a playful smile on his lips as he extended his little finger for Jude to link with his own.

nevada laughed again. he had felt repressed – a caged thing with no hopes or dreams – inside the arms of the cult, but he laughed all the time now. and how wonderful that felt. “you don’t have to thank me, i’m being genuine. you probably wouldn’t want to continue this conversation if you knew the full details of my… arrangement with the gentleman who has, as yet, not shown up.” he was practically sparkling when he smiled, and he turned his eye back on the bartender who told him the drinks were paid for. nevada shrugged and handed one of the glasses to jude.

everywhere nevada went, drinks were paid for.

“well, just jude, i’m just nevada. and here we are.” oops. he let the whole name slip – the vodka was making his lips looser. he brought the ice cold glass to his lips again and took a long pull from it, letting the ginger beer fizzle and pop on his tongue until the taste of the lime and vodka made him recoil. then he swallowed too big of a gulp. “apparently i’m not even paying for all the rounds, so why don’t we just take advantage of whichever nice man in this bar is providing us with libations?” nev was teetering on the side of drunk now, halfway through his fourth drink, he rest his shoulder against jude’s for a beat longer than was necessarily comfortable for strangers (but drunk people – and especially drunk nevada – knew little of boundaries). “so much for not drinking, jude.”

now his throat was bared as he tipped his head back and another languid laugh rippled up from his throat. he shook his head and leaned back forward, both elbows on the bar. this was much better than the alternative.

he said his name.

it was kind of weird because jude almost forgot that nevada hadn’t formally introduced himself. although, in his head, jude knew all along who he was. 

        and this arrangement? 

              what was nevada getting at? 

because if it was what jude suspected it was, confusion was the resulting emotion. why would nevada need to do something like that? 

jude didn’t doubt for a second that nevada could make really great money doing something like that but... he seemed so much beyond that. 

but then again, jude was pretty naive to the realities of the world beyond his little universe. 

he wasn’t going to comment and the bartender didn’t give him a chance as he returned with the drinks. 

of course the drinks were paid for. 

jude hadn’t even finished his first drink but nevada seems to have had enough to make an impact. jude was also quite a big boy. at almost 6 foot and 200 pounds, he could probably stomach a little more alcohol before feeling the effects. 

‘sure, i can have one. as long as you have a glass of water with me?’ he threw back, making an attempt at what he hoped was a charming smile. more water meant less intoxication. jude should know. he’d forced zion to drink his fair share of water. 

he didn’t want nevada to put himself in a shit situation. 

in a burst of bravery, he lifted his hand and placed it down on top of nevada’s. 

‘i’d like you to remember me tomorrow as more than a convenient stranger.’

Jude would always follow. No matter where he went. It had always been that way. Things were not gonna change anytime soon. Zion would usually argue with him, tell him to stay behind, say anything in order to get his little brother off of his back. But tonight, Zee was tired. He’d suffered with insomnia for days and sleeping in the cab of the truck for the past three nights certainly didn’t help. He was done. He had lost the will to argue with his younger brother. If he was honest with himself, he could use the company too. He didn’t like to be alone with his own thoughts for too long.

He sat quietly for a moment smoking, exhaling rings of smoke into the nights sky. The stars we’re bright above them. They really were in the middle of butt fuck nowhere, weren’t they?! The stars reminded him of the commune. The way him and Jude would lay in the long grass looking up at the shapes in the sky at night. That was a nice memory. Well…it would have been nice apart from the part where he would take a lashing the following morning from the high priest for staying out after curfew and dragging his younger brother along with him. He didn’t much care for the punishment though. These days Zion was the one punishing himself with his own reckless behaviour.

“Don’t fucking kid yourself bro…you’re goddamn delusional if you think the life we have now is ‘good’” Zion said, emphasising his point with air quotes. “We have no money, no where to live, sometimes we can barely afford food! We were born off the grid so we can’t even get a fucking social security number….no one knows we exist. We are like god damn ghosts in the night!” Zion was getting agitated again. This was not the life he envisioned for himself and his twin.

He ran his hand through his hair in fustratoin. This was not what they deserved. He stood up, brushed his hands off on his knees and flicked the end of the blunt into the dirty pool below them.

“So would it really make any fucking difference if we were facedown at the bottom of this pool or sitting here on the edge of it huh?” He questioned, eyebrow arched, daring Jude to argue with him. To tell him something that would change his mind. That would make him feel somewhat decent about this life he had dragged them into.

“No….no it fucking wouldn’t” Zion turned his back on his brother and started to walk away back towards the room. But…Jude would only follow him, prehaps he should take the truck and go for a drive….maybe? But he was so tired…and so fucking high. He wished he could rest and make his brain shut up.

jude really hated when zion got like this. it made him sad. 

it was a stark contrast to the zion that jude knew was underneath it all. the zion that could be kind and funny. the zion that seized their opportunity and got them away from that place - all with the optimistic hope of exciting things ahead. the zion that ditched his friends when they had decided to ignore jude and ostracize him. the zion that stayed by his side when he was upset and put his arm around him when he was crying. the zion that used to sometimes sneak into his bed at night because jude had been having bad dreams. 

jude knew his twin was not a bad person. 

zion’s heart was in the right place. the decisions he sometimes made were misguided and clouded by some of his personality flaws. he just needed to experience more, learn, develop. 

this was as obvious to jude as anything could be. as clear as day. 

it clearly wasn’t obvious to zion.

jude listened as his twin ranted. he stood up, towering over jude and continuing his little speech. 

he was patient. he wanted to hear zion out. he knew his twin was hurting so he didn’t want to just cut in and dismiss what he was saying. 

finally zion turned away and began to walk away from him. jude scrambled up and caught up with him, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him to a halt. 

‘bro... zee. we’ve got this room for tonight. and we’ve got the pick up truck. and five cassette tapes with mismatched music. we have some snacks and the backpacks and the clothes on our back. and we have each other. i have you. and you have me and i know i’m not that much but it still counts for something, right?’

he moved to stand in front of zionn and placed both his hands on his twin’s shoulders. 

‘remember when we first got some cash and bought out like an entire shelf of snacks? or when we got high for the first time and you ended up giggling at a road sign? or when we went swimming in the ocean? and ended up in that really nice hotel for one night?’

he cut himself off for a moment, pulling zion into a tight embrace. 

‘we’ve got all that.’

𝖏𝖚𝖉𝖊 𝖜𝖔𝖔𝖉𝖘

01. life size ghosts - mt wolf 02. starlight - jai wolf ft mr gabriel 03. affection - between friends 04. detlef schrempf - band of horses 05. slow burn - kacey musgraves 06. lost in yesteryday - tame impala 07. through and through - khai dreams 08. to build a home - the cinematic orchestra 09. daydreaming - milky chance & tash sultana

now that they were talking, jude’s nervous energy was becoming more and more apparent. nev focused his gaze on the brunet, giving him all of his attention – a rare treat most men paid for. eye contact was easy for nevada (how many times had he taken the face of a believer into his hands and blessed them?), so he looked at jude as if he and nev were the only two in the room – blaring music and sweating bodies be damned.

      he didn’t stand you up, did he?

a light laugh bubbled up from somewhere inside nev’s chest, fluttering out like light music, then…

            because if he did, that’s a little stupid, you know?

the laughter softened to a little smile, barely a glimmer of white teeth showing. the overhead lights shone off his plump lips and he tilted his head, “probably something came up.” he scrunched his nose – the job, the wife – either was a likely candidate for why the dude was a no show. but the money had been transferred via a cash app earlier, and so nevada’s time had been paid for. all the better to enjoy it with someone who wasn’t twice his age. “but it’s no skin off my back, honestly, i’d prefer if he didn’t show up. i’ve found someone more worthy of my time.” his eyebrows went up then he tipped his glass back, finishing the drink with a wink over the edge of it. before he could even ask, the bartender returned: something about nevada mallory demanded attention. “yes, thank you, two more. or, er…” he turned to jude, laughing again. “do you want another?” a wave of his hand at the bartender, “two more, even if you don’t drink it, i will.”

a smile crept up onto jude’s face as he heard nevada laugh. even if the laugh was directed at how ridiculous the idea of someone standing him up was. 

when he looked up, that laugh had morphed into a smile and... it looked genuine and pretty damn mesmerising. 

it reminded him of their home. it reminded him of every time the mallory kids visited and everyone spent the entirety of that time doing everything possible to make their settlement stand out as the special one. everyone was on their best behaviour. the kids and adults alike were all dressed to the nines, everything had to be impeccable. 

there was that one year where jude had sworn he’d locked eyes with nevada and he’d smiled at him. he’d excitedly nudged zion to tell him but his twin had rolled his eyes and told him he was being stupid and imagining things. 

             he probably was. 

                   but the memory was there - even if false. 

now, he was pretty sure nevada was smiling at him. he wished he could grab zion by his collar and show him. 

when nevada mentioned that there was someone else more worth his time, it gave jude pause. 

                             was he...

                                              talking about him? 

‘thank you.’ he said but quickly began questioning whether it was the right thing to say. he didn’t know. he wasn’t experienced with this. flirting with a god? where do you even find the manual for that?

‘but trust me, i’m not that interesting. i’m just... jude.’ he added, feeling a bit self-conscious about his ‘thank you’ from a moment ago. 

jude watched nevada’s interaction with the bartender in quiet awe. how was he so sure of himself? so able to just move through the world with utmost confidence in his actions? 

             did he ever question himself? 

‘are you sure? i could... pay for a round.’ he offered, a little timidly. the last $20 in his wallet burning his skin as he said it. he could always find some random job to make some more money. he didn’t want to seem... cheap.

Zion knew he was an asshole. He knew he should treat Jude better. He just….needed to be alone with his thoughts sometimes. Or he needed to have his mind…and body, distracted by someone else. Yes, true on occasion he had left Jude for a day or two…maybe three but he always came back. He would never leave him. Not for good. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t be able to function without Jude in all honesty. He was the one person who kept him sane. The one person who could talk him back down from that metaphorical ledge. He would have been dead in a ditch at the side of a road if it wasn’t for Jude watching out for him. He may have been the younger brother but he was most certainly protective and caring when it came to Zion.

Zion didn’t even need to look behind him to know Jude was following him, he was like a puppy, no, worse. Like his own god damn shadow at times. He knew Jude hated to be left alone and being apart was not something he was used to. It usually meant something had gone wrong if they were apart. Zion was overnight in a jail cell, or had gotten too fucked up on drugs to remember where the fuck he was, or had messed with the wrong crowd and found himself beat half to death in a dark back alley. If they were not together, that was when Zion tend to go off the rails. Without his guardian Angel on his shoulder…his dark side…devilish side took over. It was one of the reasons he had gotten that tattoo on his collar bone. Every time he looked in the mirror he would be reminded of Jude and remind himself….to stop fucking up.

Jude’s soft voice in the darkness sent a shiver up Zion’s spine. It was so….sad. He could almost hear the begging in the question, the pleading him not leave again. It broke his god damn heart to know he did this to his twin. That he could hurt him so easily and Jude never gave up on him. Ever.

“Sure” he muttered without even turning around. He waited for a few moments until he felt Jude’s presence behind him in the doorway.

“C’mon, follow me” Zion added. He was always the leader. He would direct them where to go. The twins made their way down to the pool area. If it could even be called that. Due to the time the gate was locked but Zion hopped it with no trouble. There was really no point for a gate at all seeing as the pool was all but completely drained. There was nothing but empty beer cans, cigarette butts and what appeared to be a dead rat floating in what brown tepid water was left at the bottom. Zion sat on the edge of the pool, dangling his legs down before lighting up his joint again.

“Lucky rat” he said with a little smirk on his lips as he nudged his brother.

jude was used to expecting push back. sometimes zion was fed up with him and would snap and would tell him to leave him alone and let him have some space. jude got that. 

he just really didn’t know when he’d see zion again. 

he was okay with having some space from his brother - even if that made him feel unsure and unsafe sometimes. what he hated was the uncertainty. 

zion could leave one day and never come back. that was a reality that weighed on jude’s mind whenever this happened. zion could get into an accident, someone could assault him, he could end up taking the wrong drug around the wrong crowd or end up robbing the wrong person. 

and jude would never even know. 

he was surprised to hear no push back. not that he would have listened. they’ve been like this.

                                      always.

when they were just toddlers, it was the same. zion wanted to go off and do his own thing. but his own thing often included getting hurt or doing something stupid. so where zion went, jude followed. 

their father told them the stories. zion would get irritated with jude always following him and he’d lash out. he’d throw a toy at him or push him over and with a bloody nose, jude would continue to follow him anyway. 

        he just had to.

happy to have received no push back, he quickly got into his hoody and followed his brother out. he scrunched his nose up at climbing over the fence but he figured that now wasn’t the time for a morality lecture. 

he joined zion at the side of the pool and stared down into the disgusting pit. 

‘hey!’ he exclaimed, bumping zion’s shoulder roughly. ‘don’t say that shit. life is good.’

nevada’s grin was as bright as a flashbulb when jude accepted the drink. “good!” he exclaimed, almost breathy. he’d already had two moscow mules before sitting down beside jude. he was certainly tipsy (if not worse – he’d only tasted alcohol for the first time a few months ago, after all). nev knocked their glasses against each other and they clinked (the more boujee clubs never used disposable plastic), then he took a long pull from his glass. the ginger beer buzzed on his tongue, and he shuddered slightly, almost laughing when he set his glass back down.

being free was… nice.

nevada ran his tongue over his teeth, still close enough to jude that their legs were brushing. he shook his head. “nonsense.” nev’s brow furrowed and he checked his phone again, then once more scanned the bar and the door. no one. good. “i don’t think he’s coming, honestly. and that suits me just fine. i’m having a good time. are you?”

jude lifted his eyes and locked them on the man. perhaps for the first time looking at him properly and looking back at him. 

it was a big step for him. really. 

a big part of him still felt like he was being rude. 

as they clinked their drinks and drank, he tried to take that moment as an opportunity to tug at his pants a little bit, hoping to relieve the uncomfortable tightness there. he untucked his shirt as well, hoping that the hem would cover his crotch. 

he didn’t know what he was drinking. he didn’t know many alcohol drinks. beer and vodka was probably about the extent of it. he’d heard of stuff like tequila and rum but he wasn’t sure if he’d ever drank them. sometimes zion would hand him drinks and he’d just drink them. this one tasted nice though. like ginger beer but with some alcohol in it. 

jude dropped his gaze as he felt their legs brush up against each other. he resisted the urge to move. he didn’t want to bother nevada but jude was pretty sure he didn’t initiate that contact. 

as nevada looked around, scanning the club again, jude tried not to feel a little disappointed. he was kind of expecting nevada to spot someone he’d rather spend his time with. not that jude would try and stop him. he didn’t have the right to. 

                                    he’d rather he stayed here for a little while though.

‘yeah. yeah, me too.’ he confirmed with a smile when nev’s attention was back on him. 

‘he didn’t stand you up, did he?’ jude asked, dropping his gaze again and swirling the liquid in his glass a bit. ‘because if he did, that’s a little stupid, you know.’

he was used to being looked at. for a normal person, that might seem cocky, but nevada had been put on display since infancy, so he often didn’t even register when someone was staring at him. it was like he’d learned how to block it out over the years. still, he might not have even been bothered to know jude was the one doing the staring.

he frowned slightly when jude said not tonight. the bartender returned with the second moscow mule and nev held both glasses up on either side of his face, “you mean you’re going to make me drink these both by myself?” he stuck out his bottom lip in a pout, but there was still a playful sort of light in his eyes. he was far removed from the child god of the children of the wind and rain. even if he and his siblings had only escaped a few months ago. he was already learning, changing, morphing.

the track changed to something with enough bass to feel as if it were pounding directly in nev’s chest, and he slipped down the edge of his stool to be closer to jude – the deepening of the bass made his already soft voice even more difficult to hear. his mouth was close to the shell of the other man’s ear so that jude wouldn’t have to strain.

“it’s not that he’s scaring me, it’s just that most men don’t understand the meaning of not interested.” he exhaled slowly, the weight of his breath warm against the side of jude’s face. “i think it’s working though. he probably thinks we know each other.” another grin – one that reflected triumph. “sure you don’t want just a sip?”

‘eh... i-...’ jude’s attempt at a response was struck down as soon as the song changed and nevada moved closer to him. 

much, much, much closer than he would have ever imagined himself being to him. his entire body sort of froze and his throat closed up entirely and for a second, he wasn’t sure he could breathe again.

you don’t understand. he was standing to what amounted to a god. all his life, that was what he’d been taught. all his life back home was spent, either directly or indirectly, focused around the mallory kids’ lives. 

after he had cum to the mere art portrayal of nevada, he felt awful over it for months. he returned the art piece the next day and apologised profusely for accidentally taking in. it felt like everyone knew what he’d done - like they could see right through his blasphemy. 

maybe that was why he was getting so choked up. because this felt like blasphemy. almost skin to skin with a god. with nevada’s breath being wasted on him. 

but blasphemy was no explanation for his hard cock. 

‘i guess one drink can’t hurt.’ he said finally, if only to catch a breath. 

it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be this close to nevada. it was just that being this close to him felt a little bit like walking a tightrope across an active volcano.

accepting the drink, he tipped the glass towards nevada in a small toast. 

‘thank you. and don’t feel obligated to hang around by the way. if you’ve got.. uh, other people to see or friends or... a date...’ 

Things could be tough on the road. Life was pretty tough in general since they had ran away. Zion often felt the full burden of this life on his shoulders. He was the one who had put them in this situation. With no money, no formal education and no actual understanding of how the ‘real world’ worked, they were pretty fucked. Zion was also a chronic over-thinker. He would let his thoughts spiral and catastrophise to the full extent his brain would allow him. It could be a dark place inside of Zion’s mind at times. He needed an escape and drugs helped him do that. Weed was his drug of choice but he had certainly experimented with other substances, much to Jude’s distaste.

When he could stop the voices in his head, he truly felt at ease. That was one of the reasons that kept him up at night, hence his current situation where he was sitting alone in the bathroom smoking a joint at 3:30AM. He knew Jude would fire his question right back at him. When did he not? It was…common place. They did this constantly. Almost on the daily it seemed.

‘I’m okay, are you okay?’

It was some sort of little mantra they echoed. Jude should have learnt by now that no matter how many times he asked Zion, the answer was always going to be the same. ‘I’m okay’. Jude on the other hand would talk about his feelings. He would tell Zee if he was having a bad day or needed to vent. Zee on the other hand was abysmal at this.  He knew it bothered his brother but he was just not that way inclined.

“I’m okay Jude” he said softly as he stood up facing his brother now, he took the joint back off him, placed it between his lips and put his free hand on his twins shoulder.

“You should get some sleep bro, you’ll be tired tomorrow otherwise” He said softly before pushing past his brother and making his way into the bedroom.

“I’m gonna step out for some fresh air okay?” He said softly as he threw a hoody on and slipped his feet into his flip flops.

zion loved to be dismissive with his answers. emotions? zion certainly didn’t know her. but jude didn’t need zion to use his words like a big boy. by now he learned that the same word can have many, many different meanings. 

like, if zion said he was okay and then sighed, he was doing his overthinking thing. reminiscing. remembering something or just dwelling on the past. 

if he sighed and THEN said he was okay, he was annoyed. frustrated. 

and there were about five hundred different versions of this. 

it was annoying to have to do this guesswork and jude would always encourage zion to use his words but 21 years in, zion still showed no sign of changing. 

as zion passed him and grabbed his hoody, jude turned the light off in the bathroom and followed. he always followed. 

he didn’t like zion leaving like that. jude never knew if he’d see zion again in five minutes or three days. it happened before. 

and the fact that they only had one shitty, old phone really didn’t help.

‘are you gonna come back?’ he asked, both boys covered in the darkness of the motel room. the flickering lamp post was the only thing illuminating their faces through the paper-thin curtains. 

‘i’ll come with’ he offered, reaching for his hoody too. 

Zion jumped when he head his voice and the knock against the bathroom door. His flinching caused him to drop his spliff, sending it falling from between his lips into the sink below. It extinguished immediately as it hit the cold wet porcelain.

“Fuck…” He grunted to himself as he quickly fished the joint back out of the sink and tried his best to dry it off and light it again. He was going to be so annoyed if it useless now. He huffed and span around glaring at his twin.

“What?! What do you want?” Zion snapped as his eyes fell on his twin brother who was now standing in the doorway. He had an expression on his face much akin to a puppy who had just been kicked. He suddenly felt bad. Jude was probably just worried about him. Though it didn’t make him any less annoyed at the situation. He plopped himself back down on the toilet seat and put the joint back between his lips as he attempted to light it again.

“Couldn’t sleep” He muttered as if the two words were the only explanation Jude deserved. Thankfully after a few tried he was able to ignite the end of the joint again and soon he was pulling the smoke deep into his lungs. He exhaled slowly through his nostrils before holding the joint out to his younger brother.

“You want some?” Zion mumbled. Jude still had sleep in his eyes, his hair was all over the place, he was certainly suffering from a severe case of bed head and his voice was hoarse the way it was whenever he just woke up. It must have been all that snoring that caused that Zion often thought. But despite being taller and larger than Zee, in that moment Jude most certainly looked like the baby brother.

“You Okay, bro?” He added instinctively, eyebrow slightly arched as he await his twins answer.

zion’s tone of voice stung. it always did but jude knew better by now than to let it get to him. his twin just got like that. he said mean things and he snapped at him sometimes. jude learned to live with it and most of the time he ignored it. water off a duck’s back or something like that. 

he didn’t let zion walk all over him though. he stood up for himself and for them. if zion was trying to do some really shady stuff, jude would try and talk him out of it. they fought often enough. physically too. 

that’s where it helped for jude to be the bigger twin. although he was more athletic and more health minded, he’d never use his brawl to beat someone up. it helped him restraint zion and hold him back if he was being too aggressive. 

jude watched as his brother attempted to re-light his spliff. he looked tired. 

‘sure’ he murmured quietly, taking the joint from his brother and lighting it up. weed was okay. it was good. it calmed him. well, it really depended on the weed. some of it made him feel crazy. 

‘i’m okay. are you okay?’ 

nev could certainly sense the nervous energy emanating from the brunet beside him – he was used to that; in fact, nevada was quite good at easing those energies which neatly lined his pockets. he offered the other man another million-dollar smile, sitting comfortably on the stool next to jude. he took a sip of his drink.

“just water? do you not drink?” he sipped from his straw, the alcohol cool on his tongue but warm in his throat. he could already feel it buzzing through his veins. nevada didn’t even let jude answer, he simply gestured for the bartender to come over and give him another drink. nev had already been paid merely for showing up at the bar. if his date was going to stand him up, he didn’t really mind.

when the drink was brought over and jude asked the question, nev let his eyes drop on the other again, examining his youthful face with a tiny smile painted on plump lips. “honestly, i’m not sure what happened.” he ran his fingers through his hair again, scanning the throbbing throngs of people in the club, gaze stopping at the door. no recognition. his delicate fingers stopped at his throat and he looked at jude again. “sorry if i’m bothering you, i just don’t know what to do with myself while waiting, and there’s a guy over there.” he discreetly shifted blue eyes to the side to indicate whom he was speaking of. “and i really don’t want to have to blow him off again.” there was an almost pleading expression on nev’s face now as he begged jude to understand – if we pretend we know each other, we’re both safe.

he could try and say he was the designated driver. he’d heard that excuse a few times at the parties zion had dragged them to. but then nevada might quiz him about who he was here with. he wanted to avoid divulging any kind of personal information. 

it was the weirdest sensation. a large part of him was almost programmed to worship nevada. some part of him was screaming at him for how improperly he was acting in his presence. 

           he shouldn’t be dressed like this. 

                          he shouldn’t speak like this. 

                                 he shouldn’t look at him like that.

he gulped down half of the water in his glass, occupying his mouth long enough to think of a non-stupid answer. 

‘not tonight’ was what he’d settled for. he worried it invited too many questions but nevada seemed pretty preoccupied. his eyes seemed to scan the club. jude took the moment as an opportunity to study his face closer for what he hoped was socially an acceptable amount of time to stare at someone. nevada was handsome. but then, how often are gods unattractive? 

he looked even more... polished than the paintings and art pieces their little village had - and there were plenty. 

a memory struck him like broken glass bottle to the head. it was one of the only times he could recall actually breaking the rules. he’d felt awful over it for weeks. 

he’d pocketed one of the art pieces depicting nevada when he was just a teen. he hadn’t meant to, not really. he’d forgotten it was in his pocket and only discovered it upon undressing before bed. the part he was really ashamed of came after. 

with zion asleep on the other side of the room, jude hid in a blanket cave and had... a sexual awakening of sorts. 

he was praying that the club lights would mask the crimson in his cheeks. 

jude wasn’t sure what - or who - nevada had been looking for but his next words indicated that whatever presence he did notice was unwelcome. 

as the meaning of nevada’s words fully registered in jude’s head, he moved a little bit closer to the man. he still felt it improper to get any closer or to touch him but almost every instinct inside of him was telling him to protect nevada. 

‘you’re not bothering me. i don’t want any creeps scaring you or whatever. that’s not gonna happen if i’ve anything to do with it.’ 

                            did that sound weird? had he said too much? 

It was late. Very late. Or perhaps it was very early depending on which way you look at things? The neon red numbers on the alarm clock cast an ominous red glow over their motel room. It was 3:33am. Why did that number always find a way of showing up on Zions radar? He shook his head again and lay on his back looking up at the smoke stained ceiling above him. Whoever had used this room in the past had most certainly been a heavy smoker. The smell of ash and nicotine had permiated every inch of the room. From the curtain fixtures to the bedsheet. It was a harrowing smell that irritated the inside of his nostrils. He could only imagine how bad it was for Jude, it couldn’t be good for his asthma.

 But beggars could not be choosers. This was the life they had made for themselves, floating from place to place, just trying to get by and keep their heads above water. Which was easier said than done sometimes. Jude had informed him they had to room for two nights. Zion had watched as his twin handed the clerk at the front desk a handful of crumpled up bills. She had arched an eyebrow as she counted them up but Jude had exactly enough. Zion rarely questioned where Jude got the money for things. He was a good boy. He knew his twin would always find a lawful way to help them out. 

 The clock was still buzzing the electrical hum seeming to be getting louder the more Zion tried to ignore it. He sighed heavily, between the clock, the smoke and Jude’s aggressively loud snoring beside him in the bed there was no way Zion would be getting any kind of sleep without some kind of help. 

He rolled out of the bed groggily and walked over to the side of room where he had tossed his backpack. Crouching down he started rifling through it in the darkness. He smirked when he found what he was looking for. A perfectly rolled joint. He grabbed his lighter and made his way into the tiny cramped bathroom. The black mold was creeping up the walls and it smelt like stale piss. Zion made a face and tried his best not to think about it. He sat down on the lid on the toilet, lit the joint and exhaled deeply. If anything was going to help him sleep it would be this. He stood up and exhaled, looking into the dirty mirror in front of him, staring at his reflection. How had he gotten himself and his brother into this mess? He hoped Jude didn’t resent him for making them escape.

@eightmillionbeats​

the motel bed was uncomfortable. the ac was broken and there was one spring that was digging directly into jude’s hip. his blanket was the only solace he had. zion made fun of him for packing it when they escaped the cult but it was a little comfort in a scary world. there was something really, really calming about being able to wrap yourself in something that was yours. no seedy motel covers for him. 

sometimes he let zion share the blanket. most times, his twin was too sweaty for his liking. 

the parking lot outside their window was almost entirely deserted. two small cars and their old, beat-up, paint-peeling, loud-as-hell pick up truck. The motel office was lit up with an orange hue, the stickers peeling off the window to the point where it was futile trying to figure out the name of the place. 

the lamp post closest to their window kept flickering. jude could only imagine nothing more exciting ever happened around here. 

someone outside had slammed a door shut, shaking jude awake. his hand flew to the other side of the bed, instinctively. 

                                             empty. 

with a frown, he opened his eyes and stared into the empty room. where was zion?

for a moment, a pang of fear and anxiety rose up inside him but as his eyes panned across the room, he saw the bathroom light spilling underneath the door. it was faint but it was unmistakeable. 

zion could have been peeing... or shitting. but jude still wanted to check in on him. he dragged himself across the room, knocked twice and then opened the door. 

‘zee?’

nevada had no recollection of the woods twins, having done nearly 300 rituals in different places yearly for a very long time. though there was no way to ease jude’s mind, either. most of the little encampments new little of the mere size of the cult (edgar had said that was for the better).

“oh, jude. that’s an interesting name, too.” he smiled, tilting his head as he ran his fingers through his already tousled curls (nervous habit). “i’ve met a lot of people.” he flashed an effervescent smile (nev could never turn off the charm). “and i’ve never heard jude. except for in a song one time.” a vague memory of a hotel room and a man old enough to be edgar (actually, who looked like edgar if he squinted his eyes – and so he tried to close them the entire time), the song playing softly in the background. a record player, odd thing. nevada laughed, trying to get out of his thoughts as the drink was brought to him and he paid with cash. “oh, i see.” he chewed the inside of his cheek. nevada din’t mind bars. they were great places to meet people who put food on his family’s table and roofs over their heads. “uh.” hard question to answer, so he smiled again – sparkling. “a date, i think?” it definitely comes off his lips like a question, a tilt of his head and another uncertain laugh. “what are you drinking?”

this was surreal. this was one of the mallory kids. he was the one the entire cult had basically worshipped and revered and held up as the most important beings. it was only fair jude felt a little out of his depth. intimidated. of course nevada was... like... beautiful. he had been like a god to their cult so it only makes sense he looks... divine? 

he was vaguely aware of his palms sweating. he really shouldn’t even be talking to nevada. he should be doing some important things that important beings like him do... not be... waiting for a date at a bar? 

did people like him date? it was weird to think of nevada as a regular person. he was far from it. 

when questioned about his drink, he absent-mindedly pulled it closer to himself. it was a mere, stupid glass of water and jude was embarrassed. the boys weren’t exactly well off and jude felt bad spending money. zion would have charmed his way into getting some drinks but jude wasn’t comfortable doing that. 

‘ah, it’s just.. water. so boring, i know.’ he avoided nevada’s gaze, yearning to change the subject. 

‘is your date running late?’ it slipped out. it seemed like the easiest way to change the subject but he felt like he was entering uncharted territory. was he even allowed to ask that question?