Only My Angels Know

“Yeah, I have to keep busy or I do stupid shit. Brutha.” He wiggled his eyebrows playfully at his friend as he joked about the word ‘brutha’.  

Ike nodded as he listened to Zion offer to help sell. He thought for a moment, and it wouldn’t hurt to have someone help him move supply. They could definitely make a lot of money together. “Alright. I will talk to my buddy about it and I will let you know! I would actually like a partner. You sure you’re down for that?” He asked wanting to make sure that Zion remembered that he was breaking the law getting into this business but Ike would definitely help keep him safe.

“Making money…yes.” He smiled. “But hoes…” He took a long drag off the blunt and held it in for about 20 seconds. “I can’t stand hoes.” He replied letting the smoke trail out of his mouth as he spoke. “I talk to a couple people. What about you?”

“Yeah you got that right man, this party is an absolute buzzkill” he shook his head, rolling his eyes a little as he looked around at the people in the crowds. He exhaled slowly through his nose. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He ignored it. He knew it was his twin Jude he didn’t even have to look. He was always worrying about where he was. It was annoying at times. They were two separate people.

“Oh yeah I know that feel man” Zion grinned shaking his head “Gotta keep busy dude!” He smirked, before winking at Ike. He bit his lip a little, nodding as Ike spoke. Zion really did want a job dealing. It would mean a stable income at least. It would also mean he’d always have access to weed. Jude would most definitely not approve of him being a drug dealer but Zion didn’t care. He was doing this for them. So that he’d be able to support them. He rolled his eyes a little.

“Yeah I am aweare it’s not legal to deal bro, I’m not fucking stupid” He smirked a little. Zion might look like a teenager still sometimes but he was 21, he knew how this shit went down, he wasn’t stupid.

Zion laughed hard when Ike told him he had been getting no such hoes.

“Well you’re missing out on all the fun! More hoes for me then I guess?” He winked nudging him.

“Hell I’ll fuck anything that moves! Well, when my cock block of a little brother isn’t getting in my god damn way” He chuckled nudging Ike and smirking.

“You know how it is”

“I didn’t mean to take all the credit.” Nevada replied apologetically, “I just thought it was… ironic. I would think that Edgar and the others would do everything in their power to make certain that no one knew…” But they’d been gone for a while now, and Nev knew the cult was actively looking for them (it was why they were always on the run). “Is anyone looking for you and Jude?”

He ran his fingers through his blond curls and looked out over at the city below them. This was so far removed from the secluded life they had lived within the cult – they had been locked off from the modern world, forced to live like the ancients and given no knowledge that any other life existed. He wondered if Zion was happy with what he and Jude had found once they left the cult. Nev was. He just knew he and his siblings weren’t safe, so it was difficult to take full advantage of all that real life had to offer.

“The spirits are real.” He said easily in response to Zee’s question. “My sister, Montana, she would be forced out of her body so that the spirit could inhabit her. The Elders, they got the idea that they could permanently displace our souls and fill our bodies with the spirits, that way the gods could forever walk among them.” He shrugged his shoulders. He and his siblings had never been anything more than a means to an end. “The ceremony was going to take place the night we left – we would be slaughtered, and – in those precarious moments when our souls hovered outside of our bodies but there was still enough life force left in them, the spirits would weave their way into the fabric of our being… at least, that was the plan.” Another shrug, and Nevada closed his eyes again. He could see the faces of his parents, of Edgar and Ophelia Rue in his mind. “That’s why we left.”

Zion nodded as he listened to Nev speak. The way he spoke made Zi hang on his every word. There was something about his voice, he commanded the room without even meaning to. Had there been anyone else in the apartment but him and Nev all eyes would have been on the older male regardless. He scrunched his nose at the question.

Was anyone looking for them?

Zion hadn’t even really stopped to consider this. Of course he missed his mother and father but the person who meant the most to him in the entire world was by his side, taking this journey with him. Were their parents looking for him and Jude? The sad reality of it was that he doubt it. Very much so. In all honesty they were probably presumed dead at this point and even if they weren’t there would be anyone brave enough to leave the compound.

“I doubt anyone is looking for me and Jude” Zion said, a little sadly, but it was probably for the better.

The more Nevada spoke the wider Zion’s eyes grew. He had always been sceptical of the ‘spirits’ and the ‘powers’ the Mallory children had. Jude had always been a firm believer and insisted the spirits were real and that the Mallory children indeed should be worshipped. Zi just found it a little iffy that kids, not that much older than himself and his brother had been born with such amazing gifts. However if Nevada said it was real, who was he to question him?

He swallowed hard at the older male spoke. Knowing what the cult wanted to do to the Mallory children, that was awful. If he was told someone was going to sacrifice him and Jude for the good of the spirits he would have done the exact same thing as Nevada, Montana, Indiana and Arizona. Left. As quickly as was humanly possible.

“Are….are they chasing you?” Zion asked quietly. He could only imagine they were being pursuded if the cult had been unable to perform their rituals and get the results they so much desired.

Nevada listened intently as the elder Woods twin spoke. He nodded every now and again so that Zion would know that he was listening, and he tried to imagine where it was that Zion and Jude had escaped from. Unfortunately, the settlements – even in the United States – were too numerous for Nevada to tell the difference; even the clue of forest didn’t help much.

“You’re very intuitive.” But why was Nevada to question a life where he was treated as a god? Even if it was, sometimes, quite abusive. “So, you left because we left?” He laughed lightly, shaking his head – his golden hair catching the rays of the falling sun. How ironic that one set of siblings fleeing the cult would lead to the fleeing of another.

“Resting? Hm. We left because…” Nevada stopped, eyes glazing over as he was stricken by an overwhelming memory (now was not the time for his gifts to present themselves, but sometimes it was beyond his control). The memory shook him – the recollection of why they had left; the three special Mallory siblings dressed in sheer while lace and velvet, running from the blood bath.

They were the sacrifice this time. They were to be drained of their souls so that the beloved spirits might inhabit the might vessels. 

Nevada was shaken by this memory and he forced himself out of it, like rising to the surface after a very deep dive. He forced a smile. “We left because they were going to kill us and use our bodies.”

Talking about the past was….strange to say the least. Zion had repressed so many of his memories because in all honesty what good did it do to dwell on the past? It’s not like he’d ever bring up the things that happened with Jude. He didn’t talk to Jude about anything really, nothing that involved his emotions or how he was feelings. He was the quiet brooding type when it came to saying how he felt.

Zion furrowed his brow a little then shook his head. “Not entirely because of you...but I guess it was one of the factors?” He tried to think back now. What had been the turning point? What was it about that morning that made him think, this is it, we have to go now? It was hard to remember each day in the commune was a blur. It was the same tasks day in and day out. Mind-numbingly boring menial labour. Working and praying, praying and working. It was too much. Too drab. Zion knew there had to be more to life.

His eyes grew wide as Nevada spoke. Zion couldn’t comprehend why the cult would want to kill the Mallory children. They were the gods? Were they not?

“Use...use your bodies for what?” Zion stuttered. He cleared his throat and tried his best to maintain his composure, while inside his brain was running a mile a minute. He only saw a fraction of the vile and damming things that happened within his own commune, he couldn’t even imagine what other have had to endure under the cults command.

He grabbed his glass off the coffee table and downed his water, his throat now feeling incredibly dry. He gripped his neck for a moment all he pulled his gaze from Nev and too the window. It felt as if he could get in trouble for even speaking about such things. Maybe he was just getting paranoid from the weed? That must have been it...

Far be Nevada Mallory from sensitive. He had a nearly impenetrable skin after everything he had seen and endured. He hadn’t ever realized while with the cult that what was happening was wrong or abnormal, but dealing with the aftershocks of it now that they’d left was proving to Nev that he and his siblings (and even the Woods brothers) were stronger than they ever knew.

When Zion began to answer his question, Nevada turned his full attention on the other man. He was genuinely curious as to what Zi was going to say, and the words that left the younger man’s lips surprised him. Nev’s brows shot up immediately.

“Really? I had no idea that there even was much of a world beyond the church.” The word left a bitter taste in his mouth, and Nevada smirked, shaking his head with the exhalation of a deep sigh. He remembered the blood baths all too vividly; the stench of death and the chorus of voices praising his name – Montana’s  name – Arizona’s name. In the end, the Mallory children had left because their lives were in danger. It felt like a selfish cop out and, suddenly, Nev was embarrassed

He held his delicate, fair hand to his throat, an innate sadness in his sharp, blue eyes. “That doesn’t sound corny.” He couldn’t imagine living on the other side of the cult – the one most lived on. A life of eternal servitude and fervid prayer. “And look what we’ve found.” He gestured out to the city around and below them. “A world infinitely bigger than all that bullshit.”

Zion nodded, he understood where Nev was coming from. They were from different sides of the same walk of life. They had been through some shit, shit people in this ‘real world’ couldn’t even begin to comprehend. It was hard to have a moral compass, living life outside of the compound though. When you’ve lived your whole life thinking human sacrifices were the norm, it kind of put you in a fucked up place. Especially when you find out that taking another humans life was thought to be one of the worst sins a person could possibly commit.

Being in Nevada’s presence was certainly an adrenaline rush. It was kind of exhilarating. There was something about the older male, his piercing blue eyes, the soft way he spoke but the complete clarity in his words, it was...refreshing to say to least. He could understand how thousands of people could worship Nevada. Himself being one of them up until a few years ago when him and Jude escaped.

“Oh no I always knew...I knew because I would always try and explore what was past the forest. I mean what could be so bad that they were keeping from me? Every time I would ever get close to those woods I would get caught and then severely reprimanded”. He rubbed his shoulder subconsciously. The scars from the lashing were still there.

“Why would I be punished so if there wasn’t something worth seeing behind that forest? When you and your siblings stopped appearing for the rituals, I know something was wrong. Something was off. Our elders and high priests insisted you were resting but it didn’t make sense to me” Zion explained then shrugged his shoulders a little.

“I probably sound crazy...but I had a gut feeling it was time to leave. I needed to get out of that place before something really bad happened. I knew I couldn’t leave without Jude...my twin...so I snuck us both out”. Zion explained, biting his lower lip a little. He had the question on the tip of his tongue this entire time but hadn’t the balls to bring it up until now. But it was now or never and who knew when….or even IF he’d ever seen any of the Mallory children again.

“Why did you and your siblings leave? You were our gods”.

“It really isn’t unless you’re in your own home feelin’ your oats like that.” Ike was laughing at the girls and shook his head. “She needs to go home. Seriously.” He shook his head and reached over grabbing a blunt from a pile of pre rolled ones he had set beside him.

 “Nice to see you too, dick.” He smiled at his friend and gave him a little chin nod. Ike hadn’t seen him in a couple weeks. They both had pretty busy schedules. “Fuck no!” He laughed and nudged Zion with his elbow playfully. “You’d probably be at one of my parties. I’m only going to be here for like an hour and half longer…than I’m out of here. You can come with me if you’d like.” He nodded and lit up the blunt and took a couple of hits before passing it over to his friend. “You know I got you. I just stocked up yesterday. So, I have lots of goodies. I have been alright actually. Just making money. Nothing to different. How about you?”

Zion had missed Ike, in all honesty. He was fun. He didn’t give a fuck. He was free to do as he pleased and just let go. He wasn’t so uptight, not like his twin at all. Ike was down for whatever and would almost encourage Zion to go wild at times. He treated him like an equal. He didn’t make him feel judged, at all. Zion wished he could do what Ike did, float from party to party, selling goods with his boys. He had a team, he had real solid friends who would have his back if shit hit the fan. Zion had no one. He had Jude and that was the extent of his friend circle and Jude was his god damn little brother.

“Fuck, that’s the best idea I’ve heard all night man!” Zion smirked when Ike suggested they go to one of his parties together after they were done at this place. Zion took the joint from one of Ike’s friends as it was passed to him. He took a long drag on it, letting the smoke fill his lungs. God, it felt so good when it hit. He exhaled the smoke slowly through his nostrils after a moment or two.

“Good to hear you’re keeping busy, brutha” Zion smirked before handing the joint back to Ike.

“You know if you ever need help moving that shit, hit me up okay? I’m good for it” He added with a nod. He took another long sip of his drink before laying back against the couch, really feeling the weed hit now.

“Making money, fucking hoes?” He asked with an eyebrow arched and a stupid little grin on his face.

jude really hated when zion got like this. it made him sad. 

it was a stark contrast to the zion that jude knew was underneath it all. the zion that could be kind and funny. the zion that seized their opportunity and got them away from that place - all with the optimistic hope of exciting things ahead. the zion that ditched his friends when they had decided to ignore jude and ostracize him. the zion that stayed by his side when he was upset and put his arm around him when he was crying. the zion that used to sometimes sneak into his bed at night because jude had been having bad dreams. 

jude knew his twin was not a bad person. 

zion’s heart was in the right place. the decisions he sometimes made were misguided and clouded by some of his personality flaws. he just needed to experience more, learn, develop. 

this was as obvious to jude as anything could be. as clear as day. 

it clearly wasn’t obvious to zion.

jude listened as his twin ranted. he stood up, towering over jude and continuing his little speech. 

he was patient. he wanted to hear zion out. he knew his twin was hurting so he didn’t want to just cut in and dismiss what he was saying. 

finally zion turned away and began to walk away from him. jude scrambled up and caught up with him, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him to a halt. 

‘bro… zee. we’ve got this room for tonight. and we’ve got the pick up truck. and five cassette tapes with mismatched music. we have some snacks and the backpacks and the clothes on our back. and we have each other. i have you. and you have me and i know i’m not that much but it still counts for something, right?’

he moved to stand in front of zionn and placed both his hands on his twin’s shoulders. 

‘remember when we first got some cash and bought out like an entire shelf of snacks? or when we got high for the first time and you ended up giggling at a road sign? or when we went swimming in the ocean? and ended up in that really nice hotel for one night?’

he cut himself off for a moment, pulling zion into a tight embrace. 

‘we’ve got all that.’

Why was Jude like this? How did he know exactly what to say to make Zion feel better? Like no matter what state Zion had worked himself up into once he was in Jude’s embrace it seemed like all of that just melted away. He always thought on the brighter side, he could always find the silver lining and make Zion see the light. Life had been tough, of course it had been. The things they had witnessed, been apart of, survived...it was enough to fuck anyone up. But never the less they persevered. Even through their darkest of days and the longest of nights they still had each other. No. Matter. What.

Zion swallowed hard, part of him wanted to refused the embrace, argue. But he knew better, that was not what he wanted to do. He wanted to wrap his arms around his brother and hold him tight. He returned Jude’s tight embrace, allowing himself to be pulled in close to his twin. He wrapped his arms around Jude’s neck and held him tight for a moment returning the heartfelt hug. 

He could see under the glow of the moonlight his palm tattoo.

“Can’t Fold” he murmured to himself softly.

It was so true. He couldn’t and he wouldn’t. Not for himself, no he didn’t have much regard for his own life….clearly. But for Jude. There was no way in HELL he was going to let his reckless actions  put Jude in danger, make him sad, no. His only goal in life was to make sure his younger brother was smiling.

Ever since he could remember, taking Jude along on his adventures had been his main goal in life. Things would be so boring if he were alone. Who would help him climb the tall trees or race through the deserts? Who would be his partner in crime and his one true friend? His only friend.

Zion and Jude had never needed anyone else because they had always had each other. The twins were entirely too co-dependant on the other one, but for completely different reasons.

They had been on the road for a while now. They had lived through some shit, but all the experiences they had together...Zion wouldn’t trade them for the world. Jude was so good at helping to remind him off the good things in life.

“Bro, I don’t deserve you” Zee said with a little smile, pulling away slightly but not out of their embrace fully. He looked his brother in the eyes firmly.

“I’m never gonna leave you okay? I PROMISE” he said sternly.

It had been strange (and frightening) to learn that Jude and Zion had also escaped from the Children of the Wind and Rain, but Nevada supposed that it wasn’t out of the ordinary. He knew how vast the numbers of the cult were, it served to reason that others would want to leave, too.

What had troubled him the most had been Jude’s hesitation to tell him anything about their knowledge of the Mallory siblings, or the cult in general. But he supposed he understood that, too. It was a harrowing experience for them all, none of them particularly wanted to revisit it, so hiding in plain sight seemed reasonable.

Now that he was sat on the balcony of his current apartment (how long they would be here, no one knew), it was refreshing to have the elder twin with him for a moment, as Zion was more open to conversation and more forward; they could talk about what had happened between them without walking on eggshells (it was how Nevada felt around his siblings, too – how nice to have someone with which to discuss one’s traumas).

Nev leveled his gaze on Zion, one thin leg crossed over the other. “Tell me, why did you and your brother leave the settlement?”

The view from up here was amazing. Zion felt like they were up above the world, above the bullshit and discourse of the dirty streets far below them. He would have liked a place like this for himself and Jude. He knew his brother would enjoy the sights also.

Leaning over this far while high as a kite was probably not the smartest thing to do but he made sure to keep both hands firmly on the railings at all time. He didn’t feel stressed here, with Nevada. He thought being in the presence of a man he was once taught to worship would be intimidating...but in fact Zion felt...humbled if anything.

He felt like he could talk to Nevada on a different level than he could with Jude. He didn’t want to bring up their old life with Jude, he knew his brother was sensitive, and upsetting him was the last thing Zion wanted. Nev on the other hand….was a different breed altogether. He didn’t come off as the sensitive type.  

Zion turned to face Nev, scratching his cheek a little as he spoke.

“You know, we left because that place was fucking CRAZY...man you don’t realise the kind of shit they are getting away with until you get out” he sighed heavily.

“You know what they did….you LIVED it, man. The sacrifices….fuck. I just had a feeling there was something more? Something….” Zion gestured vaguely.

jude was used to expecting push back. sometimes zion was fed up with him and would snap and would tell him to leave him alone and let him have some space. jude got that. 

he just really didn’t know when he’d see zion again. 

he was okay with having some space from his brother - even if that made him feel unsure and unsafe sometimes. what he hated was the uncertainty. 

zion could leave one day and never come back. that was a reality that weighed on jude’s mind whenever this happened. zion could get into an accident, someone could assault him, he could end up taking the wrong drug around the wrong crowd or end up robbing the wrong person. 

and jude would never even know. 

he was surprised to hear no push back. not that he would have listened. they’ve been like this.

                                      always.

when they were just toddlers, it was the same. zion wanted to go off and do his own thing. but his own thing often included getting hurt or doing something stupid. so where zion went, jude followed. 

their father told them the stories. zion would get irritated with jude always following him and he’d lash out. he’d throw a toy at him or push him over and with a bloody nose, jude would continue to follow him anyway. 

        he just had to.

happy to have received no push back, he quickly got into his hoody and followed his brother out. he scrunched his nose up at climbing over the fence but he figured that now wasn’t the time for a morality lecture. 

he joined zion at the side of the pool and stared down into the disgusting pit. 

‘hey!’ he exclaimed, bumping zion’s shoulder roughly. ‘don’t say that shit. life is good.’

Jude would always follow. No matter where he went. It had always been that way. Things were not gonna change anytime soon. Zion would usually argue with him, tell him to stay behind, say anything in order to get his little brother off of his back. But tonight, Zee was tired. He’d suffered with insomnia for days and sleeping in the cab of the truck for the past three nights certainly didn’t help. He was done. He had lost the will to argue with his younger brother. If he was honest with himself, he could use the company too. He didn’t like to be alone with his own thoughts for too long.

He sat quietly for a moment smoking, exhaling rings of smoke into the nights sky. The stars we’re bright above them. They really were in the middle of butt fuck nowhere, weren’t they?! The stars reminded him of the commune. The way him and Jude would lay in the long grass looking up at the shapes in the sky at night. That was a nice memory. Well...it would have been nice apart from the part where he would take a lashing the following morning from the high priest for staying out after curfew and dragging his younger brother along with him. He didn’t much care for the punishment though. These days Zion was the one punishing himself with his own reckless behaviour.

“Don’t fucking kid yourself bro...you’re goddamn delusional if you think the life we have now is ‘good’” Zion said, emphasising his point with air quotes. “We have no money, no where to live, sometimes we can barely afford food! We were born off the grid so we can’t even get a fucking social security number….no one knows we exist. We are like god damn ghosts in the night!” Zion was getting agitated again. This was not the life he envisioned for himself and his twin.

He ran his hand through his hair in fustratoin. This was not what they deserved. He stood up, brushed his hands off on his knees and flicked the end of the blunt into the dirty pool below them.

“So would it really make any fucking difference if we were facedown at the bottom of this pool or sitting here on the edge of it huh?” He questioned, eyebrow arched, daring Jude to argue with him. To tell him something that would change his mind. That would make him feel somewhat decent about this life he had dragged them into.

Isaac scanned the room of bodies at the party. He hated every single one of these people except his buddies he was there selling with. Ike grabbed his beer and began to take a drink as he caught eye of two very drunk, annoying, and because Ike witnessed things like this a lot they were very high. “Shrooms.” He nodded and began to laugh as they were dancing very badly. He and his friends laughed, and Ike put his beer down to quickly take another line of the cocaine that was cut into perfect lines in front of him. 

“Jesus..” Ike sighed as he shook is head. “Hello.” He said sarcastically but with a smile. “Of course.” He smirked. “I wouldn’t be here other wise. How can I help you?”

Zion shook his head with a smirk. The people at this party were so dumb and fucked up. The house was massive. He bet some model or movie star owned it. Their bimbo socialite daughter was probably the one throwing the party. Zion hated what they stood for. All the wealth, all the greed. Fuck...more money than sense. But who knew, maybe he was just jealous? He was living out of a pick up truck with his twin brother for fucks sake. He scrunched his nose in annoyance and took another sip of his drink.

“Being that fucked up isn’t a good look” he said with a grin, nodding towards the girls spinning in circles in the middle of the room, clearly on another planet right now other than earth.

“Well nice to see you too, asshole” Zion smirked and rolled his eyes playfully. “Yeah didn’t exactly seem like your usual scene. You think I’d be caught dead in this place if I didn’t think I’d be able to score some goods?”

He took another long drink from his cup before leaning in and talking to Ike again.

“I need weed, like...half an ounce. I want coke too. Not a lot. Just...enough to forget I’m at this stupid fucking party” he laughed and rolled his eyes.

Brody’s cheeks and the tips of his ears turned a brilliant shade of red. He averted his gaze, looking down out of the corner of his eye as he struggled and stammered. “Uh… yeah.” There was no way to explain that he just didn’t leave his apartment that often. “I’m having a party?” It definitely sounded like a question as he looked back up at the other male, an uncertain smile flashing awkwardly over Brody’s face.

Before he could say no thanks, or you don’t have to do that, the other man was taking the snacks from him and into his much larger, more capable arms. Brody hated that he was so small sometimes. He said nothing but nodded and offered another sheepish, awkward smile at the taller male. “Oh, sure, thank you. I’m Brody, by the way.” He skirted around the other man and walked up to the counter, setting what little he still had in his arms down on the counter. “Thank you, again, uh… I didn’t catch your name?”

Zion smiled as genuinely as he could muster as he walked towards the counter with the smaller male. He nodded and listened with curiosity as he spoke.

“A party huh? Sounds like fun!” Zion tried his best to sound interested and not distracted by the sight of his twin huffing at the gas pump. He knew it would only be a matter of time before Jude stormed in here and hurried him up. He needed to think of something quickly as they were already approaching the counter. The guy was about to pay and Zion had done nothing but get this guys name. An idea struck him, it was risky but could work. He half pushed, half dropped all the items down on the counter, semi-stumbling into Brody (as he had since found out the boys name). As he knocked into him the shorter males wallet fell out of his hands and onto the floor.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry my bad!” Zion muttered, bending down and quickly picking up the wallet. With a quick slight of hand Zion slipped a fifty out the back of the wallet and into the sleeve of his leather jacket. The wallet was kind of full, full enough not to notice a single note missing. Or so Zion hoped. He handed back the wallet as quickly and inconspicuously as he possibly could. He shot a dazzling smile at Brody.

𝖅𝖎𝖔𝖓 𝖂𝖔𝖔𝖉𝖘

zion loved to be dismissive with his answers. emotions? zion certainly didn’t know her. but jude didn’t need zion to use his words like a big boy. by now he learned that the same word can have many, many different meanings. 

like, if zion said he was okay and then sighed, he was doing his overthinking thing. reminiscing. remembering something or just dwelling on the past. 

if he sighed and THEN said he was okay, he was annoyed. frustrated. 

and there were about five hundred different versions of this. 

it was annoying to have to do this guesswork and jude would always encourage zion to use his words but 21 years in, zion still showed no sign of changing. 

as zion passed him and grabbed his hoody, jude turned the light off in the bathroom and followed. he always followed. 

he didn’t like zion leaving like that. jude never knew if he’d see zion again in five minutes or three days. it happened before. 

and the fact that they only had one shitty, old phone really didn’t help.

‘are you gonna come back?’ he asked, both boys covered in the darkness of the motel room. the flickering lamp post was the only thing illuminating their faces through the paper-thin curtains. 

‘i’ll come with’ he offered, reaching for his hoody too. 

Zion knew he was an asshole. He knew he should treat Jude better. He just….needed to be alone with his thoughts sometimes. Or he needed to have his mind...and body, distracted by someone else. Yes, true on occasion he had left Jude for a day or two...maybe three but he always came back. He would never leave him. Not for good. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t be able to function without Jude in all honesty. He was the one person who kept him sane. The one person who could talk him back down from that metaphorical ledge. He would have been dead in a ditch at the side of a road if it wasn’t for Jude watching out for him. He may have been the younger brother but he was most certainly protective and caring when it came to Zion.

Zion didn’t even need to look behind him to know Jude was following him, he was like a puppy, no, worse. Like his own god damn shadow at times. He knew Jude hated to be left alone and being apart was not something he was used to. It usually meant something had gone wrong if they were apart. Zion was overnight in a jail cell, or had gotten too fucked up on drugs to remember where the fuck he was, or had messed with the wrong crowd and found himself beat half to death in a dark back alley. If they were not together, that was when Zion tend to go off the rails. Without his guardian Angel on his shoulder...his dark side...devilish side took over. It was one of the reasons he had gotten that tattoo on his collar bone. Every time he looked in the mirror he would be reminded of Jude and remind himself….to stop fucking up.

Jude’s soft voice in the darkness sent a shiver up Zion’s spine. It was so….sad. He could almost hear the begging in the question, the pleading him not leave again. It broke his god damn heart to know he did this to his twin. That he could hurt him so easily and Jude never gave up on him. Ever.

“Sure” he muttered without even turning around. He waited for a few moments until he felt Jude’s presence behind him in the doorway.

“C’mon, follow me” Zion added. He was always the leader. He would direct them where to go. The twins made their way down to the pool area. If it could even be called that. Due to the time the gate was locked but Zion hopped it with no trouble. There was really no point for a gate at all seeing as the pool was all but completely drained. There was nothing but empty beer cans, cigarette butts and what appeared to be a dead rat floating in what brown tepid water was left at the bottom. Zion sat on the edge of the pool, dangling his legs down before lighting up his joint again.

“Lucky rat” he said with a little smirk on his lips as he nudged his brother.

zion’s tone of voice stung. it always did but jude knew better by now than to let it get to him. his twin just got like that. he said mean things and he snapped at him sometimes. jude learned to live with it and most of the time he ignored it. water off a duck’s back or something like that. 

he didn’t let zion walk all over him though. he stood up for himself and for them. if zion was trying to do some really shady stuff, jude would try and talk him out of it. they fought often enough. physically too. 

that’s where it helped for jude to be the bigger twin. although he was more athletic and more health minded, he’d never use his brawl to beat someone up. it helped him restraint zion and hold him back if he was being too aggressive. 

jude watched as his brother attempted to re-light his spliff. he looked tired. 

‘sure’ he murmured quietly, taking the joint from his brother and lighting it up. weed was okay. it was good. it calmed him. well, it really depended on the weed. some of it made him feel crazy. 

‘i’m okay. are you okay?’ 

Things could be tough on the road. Life was pretty tough in general since they had ran away. Zion often felt the full burden of this life on his shoulders. He was the one who had put them in this situation. With no money, no formal education and no actual understanding of how the ‘real world’ worked, they were pretty fucked. Zion was also a chronic over-thinker. He would let his thoughts spiral and catastrophise to the full extent his brain would allow him. It could be a dark place inside of Zion’s mind at times. He needed an escape and drugs helped him do that. Weed was his drug of choice but he had certainly experimented with other substances, much to Jude’s distaste.

When he could stop the voices in his head, he truly felt at ease. That was one of the reasons that kept him up at night, hence his current situation where he was sitting alone in the bathroom smoking a joint at 3:30AM. He knew Jude would fire his question right back at him. When did he not? It was...common place. They did this constantly. Almost on the daily it seemed.

‘I’m okay, are you okay?’

It was some sort of little mantra they echoed. Jude should have learnt by now that no matter how many times he asked Zion, the answer was always going to be the same. ‘I’m okay’. Jude on the other hand would talk about his feelings. He would tell Zee if he was having a bad day or needed to vent. Zee on the other hand was abysmal at this.  He knew it bothered his brother but he was just not that way inclined.

“I’m okay Jude” he said softly as he stood up facing his brother now, he took the joint back off him, placed it between his lips and put his free hand on his twins shoulder.

“You should get some sleep bro, you’ll be tired tomorrow otherwise” He said softly before pushing past his brother and making his way into the bedroom.

the motel bed was uncomfortable. the ac was broken and there was one spring that was digging directly into jude’s hip. his blanket was the only solace he had. zion made fun of him for packing it when they escaped the cult but it was a little comfort in a scary world. there was something really, really calming about being able to wrap yourself in something that was yours. no seedy motel covers for him. 

sometimes he let zion share the blanket. most times, his twin was too sweaty for his liking. 

the parking lot outside their window was almost entirely deserted. two small cars and their old, beat-up, paint-peeling, loud-as-hell pick up truck. The motel office was lit up with an orange hue, the stickers peeling off the window to the point where it was futile trying to figure out the name of the place. 

the lamp post closest to their window kept flickering. jude could only imagine nothing more exciting ever happened around here. 

someone outside had slammed a door shut, shaking jude awake. his hand flew to the other side of the bed, instinctively. 

                                             empty. 

with a frown, he opened his eyes and stared into the empty room. where was zion?

for a moment, a pang of fear and anxiety rose up inside him but as his eyes panned across the room, he saw the bathroom light spilling underneath the door. it was faint but it was unmistakeable. 

zion could have been peeing… or shitting. but jude still wanted to check in on him. he dragged himself across the room, knocked twice and then opened the door. 

‘zee?’

Zion jumped when he head his voice and the knock against the bathroom door. His flinching caused him to drop his spliff, sending it falling from between his lips into the sink below. It extinguished immediately as it hit the cold wet porcelain.

“Fuck...” He grunted to himself as he quickly fished the joint back out of the sink and tried his best to dry it off and light it again. He was going to be so annoyed if it useless now. He huffed and span around glaring at his twin.

“What?! What do you want?” Zion snapped as his eyes fell on his twin brother who was now standing in the doorway. He had an expression on his face much akin to a puppy who had just been kicked. He suddenly felt bad. Jude was probably just worried about him. Though it didn’t make him any less annoyed at the situation. He plopped himself back down on the toilet seat and put the joint back between his lips as he attempted to light it again.

“Couldn’t sleep” He muttered as if the two words were the only explanation Jude deserved. Thankfully after a few tried he was able to ignite the end of the joint again and soon he was pulling the smoke deep into his lungs. He exhaled slowly through his nostrils before holding the joint out to his younger brother.

“You want some?” Zion mumbled. Jude still had sleep in his eyes, his hair was all over the place, he was certainly suffering from a severe case of bed head and his voice was hoarse the way it was whenever he just woke up. It must have been all that snoring that caused that Zion often thought. But despite being taller and larger than Zee, in that moment Jude most certainly looked like the baby brother.