eighteez-net

Sorry babes I have to keep my mom company tonight She wants quality time with her children but where’s Seonghwa?Probably out messing around 😒😒 I swear he gets more freedom than I do… – Jia 10:14pm

Didn’t you go out with me two nights ago? 🤔🤔 – Y/N 10:14pm

Don’t take his side, y/n – Jia 10:15pm

Sorry y/n San booked a dinner for us tonight I won’t be able to make it either 😟😟– Yuna 10:16pm

I love that you have that hunk of a man by your side But he needs to let you see your girls too sometimes 😒😒 – Jia 10:16pm

She saw us two nights ago – Y/N 10:17pm

Y/N just be fighting against me today 😭😭 – Jia 10:17pm

😂😂 – Y/N 10:17pm

😂😂 – Yuna 10:18pm

Guess I was just going to have to solo it tonight. I didn’t mind that. I knew how to have a good time without my friends. I put on a cute outfit and called for a ride. I headed to our regular place but for some reason it was super crowded tonight.

“Ah… sorry, Mingi. I’m actually here to see someone else.”

I overheard a conversation happening near me between a girl and a douchey looking guy. He looked smoking but only a douche wore glasses in the night like he did.

“Shame,” his arms fell but his smile stayed, “who’s the guy? Jeong Yunho?”

“What?”

“There’s word he’s here tonight, with a whole crowd of hot shots.”

The Jeong Yunho? Wow, what were the chances of me running into him tonight? I guess it was a good thing I didn’t come with the girls. It’s a lot easier to flirt when I don’t have to feel guilty for ditching them for a guy. I eventually got inside and found the club packed, particularly upstairs. No surprise since that’s where the VIP lounge would be. If any celebrity, like Jeong Yunho, wanted to party without being hounded, that was the place to be.

“Just where do you think you’re going, Park Seonghwa?”

Seonghwa? That caught my attention. I looked around until I found him walking away from the bar next to me. Jia’s older brother. I’d recognize him anywhere. A woman was following behind him looking super annoyed. She grabbed his arm.

“You can’t just walk away like this,” she told him

“I told you I’m not interested in you anymore,” he told her.

“Well, I’m still interested in you.”

“I said I’m not.”

“I’m not leaving you like this!”

Damn. I felt sorry for him. I mean, I wasn’t surprised a hot guy like him had a girl clinging to him, but still…

“Seonghwa!” I called out to him.

I don’t know why I decided to help him, maybe because he’s the brother of a close friend of mine, but I walked over to get him away from her.

“I didn’t think you’d be here–”

“There you are, love,” he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close.

My eyes widened and I felt my heart jump immediately. He looked at me like he was asking me to play along. He held my face to kiss my mouth. My lips parted for him so naturally. I tasted his tongue for just a moment before he pulled away. Then he left a kiss on my temple.

“S-sorry, I got caught up in the crowd,” I told him, out of breath.

“Who is she?” asked the woman.

“The reason I’m no longer interested in you,” said Seonghwa, “let’s go, y/n.”

“Y/N–”

“I’m fine.”

“We all told you not to check your social media or any articles,” Sooyoung’s voice was stern, “the company will release a statement. It’ll be old news in like a week.”

“I know that.”

“Then stop reading the comments. Stop looking for people who want to hurt you–”

“Who says I was looking for people who hate me?”

Y/N stood to her feet and grabbed the phone back from Sooyoung. She scrolled to show her the comments on the most recent article that had been opened.

“This one has Kai Unnie’s name in their username. They say they’re not surprised I’m the one who brought our group down.”

“Y/N–”

“This one has a picture of me as their icon. They say they’re disappointed in me. Disappointed, Unnie.”

“Y/N–”

“This one says they will no longer stan as OT5.”

“They’re not our fans.”

“But they are Unnie! Look!” Y/N continued to scroll through the comments, even opening up her instagram to show comments from fans that were begging her to say this wasn’t true.

Fans begging her to say she didn’t betray them.

“And if they’re not saying it about me, they’re talking bad about him.”

“Y/N–”

“And it’s my fault isn’t it? If I didn’t agree to letting him help me out, this photo wouldn’t have been taken. It wouldn’t be circulating online. He wouldn’t be caught up in this either. He has his solo debut coming up! What if it fails because of me–?”

“Y/N! Stop!”

Sooyoung held her by her arms and looked her in the eyes. It broke her heart. She couldn’t look at her teammate like this. Her baby sister.

Y/N’s hair was a mess. Her eyes were swollen. Her hands were shaking. Her lips were trembling.

“You need to stop,” Sooyoung told her, “this isn’t your fault. Nothing is your fault. You were not wrong to accept help. You were not wrong to let him drive you home.”

“But–”

“No. It was a simple interaction. It’s not like you were actually caught dating–even then it wouldn’t matter! You did nothing wrong! Your private life was invaded. You are going to be okay. He is going to be okay. Let the company smooth it out. The online forums will realize this whole thing was baseless and boring gossip. Nothing special. They’ll attach themselves to something more stupid right after that. Y/N, look at me. Look at me.”

Sooyoung's hands were on her shoulders now as she searched her eyes.

“This is not your fault.”

She looked at her leader.

“I need you to say it, Y/N. This is not your fault.”

“This is… not my fault.”

“This is not your fault.”

“This is not my fault.”

“Right. Don’t let yourself think otherwise, okay?”

She gave a small nod. Sooyoung held her hand out and she gave her her phone.

“I know you’ll want to talk to San, but I can’t have you on these sites,” she said, tapping delete on multiple apps before handing the phone back, “please don’t go searching for anything or I might have to actually confiscate your phone.”

“Okay… I won’t.”

“It’ll be okay,” Sooyoung assured her.

Except, it didn’t feel okay. The company put out a statement to clear up the confusion. Y/N was hopeful it would resolve the situation until she saw what was written.

It has been brought to our attention that two of our artists were photographed during a time that should’ve been kept private. We do not discourage or forbid our artists from experiencing normal human emotions and connections, whether it’s friendship or more. Their privacy was invaded. We will not comment on their personal lives, as that is their life and not of our interest. We ask fans to understand that the artists you love are human and allowed a personal life that is not controlled by their workplace.

“There you go,” said Yubin, “it’s all handled.”

“Is it?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

Her hand was shaking when she showed her friend the statement again on her phone.

“They said they won’t comment on this,” she said.

“I don’t understand, y/n.”

“Why couldn’t they just say we’re not dating? Why couldn’t they just confirm that he and I weren’t meeting up for anything else? Why did they have to say it like this?”

“Y/N, calm down–” Kai tried to stop her.

“How can I calm down?” she cried, “how? Look what they’re saying!”

I never liked Nova to begin with. Her niceness always felt fake to me. What a snake. +28 -3

“And it’s not just me, Unnie! They’re commenting on you all too!”

I knew there was something fishy about this group. They only became idols to get close to their male counterparts. +17 -4

“Y/N, listen to me,” said Sooyoung, “every group goes through something at least once. It’s inevitable and it sucks it’s happening to you. But I promise you, this will pass.”

“Yeah, you have us to support you,” Yubin hugged her arm and leaned into her, “we love you. We won’t let anyone hurt our Nova.”

“Listen to Sooyoung Unnie,” said Kai, crossing her arms, “this is one dumb scandal. It shouldn’t even be a scandal to begin with. If we give these online brats any reason to think you’re upset, they’ll think they’re winning and keep attacking you. You need to keep your chin up and act like this entire thing was a joke. How stupid of the public to get something so wrong. You know?”

“Kai’s right. You’re our shining light, y/n,” said Eunji, “we have your back. We won’t let you struggle with this on your own.”

“We’re not going to let you deal with anything alone,” said Sooyoung, before looking at the whole group, “none of us, for any of us.”

The girls came together for a group hug. She felt their warmth and, in that moment, she finally started to believe that things might work out.

They continued their schedules like nothing had happened. She had practiced her smiles in the mirror every day. She gave herself pep talks, reminding herself to block out anything that might cause her to panic in front of the public. It helped to have Yubin holding onto her during airport photos. It helped to have Kai and Sooyoung speak up when questions would get asked on variety shows.

The hosts teased them at first, implying that feelings might’ve been caught between the two by working so closely together.

“All the idols in our company are like a big family,” said Kai, “we all were trainee’s together, even if we didn’t start together, we still overlapped in trainee years. I’ve helped out our hoobae’s many times. It’s not a surprise people assume we’re seeing each other. But we’re just close.”

“He was only driving me home because I had a lot of storage left at the studio to take with me,” y/n explained.

The jokes continued for a while before the hosts reminded audiences that it’s important to respect an idol’s private life. She felt like she had to further explain that there was nothing here but Sooyoung gave her a look that said to leave it.

“It’ll just get worse if you keep arguing it.”

So she behaved.

The comments did start to stop eventually.

“Sooyoung was right,” San told her over the phone, “the whole thing was stupid. People just wanted something to get upset about… and I’m sorry it happened to you. How are you feeling now?”

“Much better now that they’re moving onto other things… and now that I’m talking to you,” she chuckled.

“I wish we could’ve spoken sooner.”

“I know, I was just so busy.”

Lies.

“Our schedules been packed,” not that much, “especially now with the company wanting to focus on a new comeback. They want to lead it into a tour.”

“A tour!!”

She laughed at his excitement. She loved that about him. He was always so excited for her. He had the ability to cheer her up whenever she was down. She didn’t want him to lose that side of him.

So she kept quiet.

She told herself if she kept her pain to herself, it would be fine. And she was starting to feel fine again. The comeback preparations began a few weeks later. Teasers were posted on their instagram. A group picture. Individual pictures. Track list photo with the title song highlighted. Fans were excited. They were always excited. She was starting to forget everything.

It was hard to focus on the positive comments though, when others started to slip through.

Why does she look like she gained weight? 🤍48

She didn’t think she did. 

I don’t remember her looking like this… 🤍35

What did they mean? What changed about her?

Can’t believe she’s the one who tried to seduce Oppa. She’s so ugly 🤍89

She thought that was over?

The hair doesn’t suit her. I don’t know what her stylist was thinking. 🤍52

What was wrong with her hair? She chose it. Not the stylist. She thought it looked good.

She kept picking apart everything the comments were picking apart at. She had been eating more with her girls. She snuck out to have dinner with San a few times. She guessed she had been stress eating around the time of the false dating news. Maybe she did pack on a few extra pounds, but she thought fans admired her healthier image? They always said that when she was younger. Maybe now that she was growing into a woman…

No guy wants to date a girl looking like that. That’s why Oppa denied the rumours haha 🤍63

What if San thought the same and decided she wasn’t beautiful anymore? He wouldn’t think that, she told herself, but a louder voice told her he definitely would.

She met with her trainer. She made a new diet plan. She asked her stylists to change up her looks so that fans would be happy. Her members asked why she kept going for drastic changes for each comeback performance stage. She just said she wanted to be more creative.

San would sneak by to see her between stages, always acting like a junior idol fanboying over his senior. He always told her she looked the best. She would believe him.

Lies.

But after each performance, after each comeback, she couldn’t help but curl up in her bed and scroll through her phone.

I don’t understand why she’s styled like that? Is she the main point in this group? 🤍38

Why does she want to stand out from her members? 🤍16

She wasn’t trying to stand out.

That’s not what she had been trying to do at all.

But it seemed no matter what she did, there was always a problem.

She couldn’t go to work anymore without that voice in her head telling her people hate her. Her fans hate her. The comments on their instagram and social media had pictures of the girls, group or individual shots. The accounts said they were fans of LYRA, some since predebut days. She would sit during fan signs and wonder with each fan who came to speak to her, what if they secretly hated her? What if they were the one who said those malicious things online? What if they were the ones who thought she was ugly? What if they were the one who only stanned OT4? What if they were the one who thought she was fake and sleeping around? She would look at the whole crowd of fans and think, what if it was all of them?

She saw her weight loss as progress that she was going back to a better image. She began to choose outfits that made her blend into the background. She began to speak less for variety. She began to perform even harder on stage to prove herself. They had a tour being planned for the following year. She wanted to make sure she was ready for it.

She didn’t realize her mind was starting to wear down. She didn’t realize her body was starting to give out. Her members would tell her to relax. Sooyoung begged her to take a break, to speak to someone. If not her, at least speak to San.

“I’m fine.”

She would dismiss it. Something in her told her there was no point. Because no matter what the girls did to defend her, to help her, the comments wouldn’t stop.

And the more comments she read, the louder the voice got.

She kept her smile going. She kept her conversations light. She kept San in the dark because he was the only one who didn’t see the side of her breaking down every day. Talking to him on the phone made her heart feel a bit lighter. Meeting him made her stay afloat. She didn’t want him to stress the same way she saw her members stress.

He was the only constant joy she felt she had.

But… the voice…

“You did a great job on stage,” San told her on the phone one night, “but… are you getting enough rest? Eating well and all?”

He means you don’t look good.

“Is something wrong with how I look?”

Shit. That was the first she nearly snapped at him.

“No! You look great,” he told her, “you’re the best looking girl I know! You always continue to impress me, y/n.”

She took a deep breath, trying to sound cheerful.

“Thanks, Sannie… I believe you.”

Lies.

Fans gathered for their surprise comeback stage. The stage where they were going to officially announce their Asia tour. She did her best to perform, but all she saw were their faces covered with the online profile pictures.

They hate you. They all hate you. And if they don’t hate you already, it’s only a matter of time until they do.

Her breathing started to quicken. She looked around for an exit. She should’ve listened when her members spoke up. She should’ve heard their concerns. She should’ve been honest with San when he started to show some worry. Had she opened up instead of listening to that voice in her head…

It’s only a matter of time until everyone abandons you.

…she wouldn’t have run off stage and collapsed.

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I can’t speak.

That was all the note read. She had a series of questions written down on sticky notes and a pen ready for quick follow up comments.

For Yunho, she told him she admired his dance moves and always found him cute. He thanked her and shook her hands.

For Yeosang, she admired his hard work and found his sense of humour very amusing. She praised him for coming out of his shell. He thanked her and shook her hands.

For Hongjoong, she didn’t need to say it but she told him he was her bias. He laughed and said the mask gave it away. He thanked her for her support and shook her hands.

She spoke to each member and they all treated her with the same enthusiasm and respect.

“Hello! What’s your name?”

She sat in front of San now, who was smiling at her expectantly. It took her a second to respond before she pulled out her note again.

“Ah, I understand. It’s okay.”

He looked around for something to write with, to communicate, before she caught his attention with her waving hands and pointed to her ears.

“You can hear me?” He asked.

He watched her nod her head, pull up a pen and a post it pad. She scribbled her name on it and showed it to him.

My name is Sooyoung.

“Sooyoung,” he said her name and smiled again, “it’s a very pretty name, just like you.”

He watched her scribbling again and then lift the paper to show him.

You don’t know what I look like.

He laughed.

“I know you’re very pretty.”

He started to sign her album. She watched him as he flipped to a page he liked. He spoke out loud while writing the message.

“To Atiny Sooyoung, thank you for supporting our music and giving us love. May you—“

How are you? 

He looked at the note she placed over his message. He paused for a second and looked at her.

“I’m feeling good. Maybe a little hungry, to be honest. Jongho and Yeosang took all the snacks we packed in our car. I made sure to scold them about it though. They owe the rest of us food, but knowing our captain, he’ll probably end up paying…”

He continued to ramble on and on about the pains of travelling with seven other hungry men while continuing to sign the album. He was almost done when he was given another slip of paper. She had placed it over his written message again.

Are you happy? 

He went quiet. His smile slowly became more fixed. He lifted the note slowly. He seemed to think about it before his face relaxed again. He looked at her with a gentle gaze.

“I’m always happy to see Atiny.”

He closed her album and returned it to her. She quickly pulled something from her back pocket, a sealed envelope, and held it with both her hands. He pointed to himself, asking if it was for him. She nodded and he took it from her. They both watched as it got handed to a staff member and made its way into a pile of letters.

“Thank you for coming!”

They didn’t think too much of it. He watched her raise both her hands, just as she did with the others. He held them both, just like the others did.

Except, his smile fell immediately and he froze. He stared at her in disbelief. He started to lower his head to get a better look at her eyes. Panic struck and she quickly pulled her hands away. She grabbed her album and stood up. She bowed her head, saying goodbye and left the stage. His head turned. His eyes followed her as she left. He wanted to call out to her. His legs nearly stood but the next Atiny quickly reminded him where he was.

He was sure though. He had never been more sure of something like this in his life.

That had been her.

She was making her way to the back. He tried to focus on the fans. He tried to keep the conversations going. He tried to sign the names, making sure not to write hers down by mistake. He tried to find her when the Q&A began. He wished he paid better attention to what she wore. There weren’t many people here but it’s as though she vanished.

The mask.

There she was. Sitting at the very back. Wearing that pink Jjoongrami mask. He wanted to laugh. She always picked Hongjoong as her bias, he remembered. He wasn’t sure if he should be upset or find this funny. But she was here. He knew she was.

It was her.

“I have a question for Mingi…”

San’s eyes stayed on her. He didn’t want to lose sight of her again.

“I have a question for Seonghwa oppa!”

The questions kept going. The boys kept answering. The crowd kept cheering, laughing, swooning. His eyes never left her.

“I have a question for San.”

He felt someone nudge him then. It was Hongjoong. San looked at him and then to the fan waiting for his attention.

“Ah, sorry, yes,” he smiled at the Atiny.

“What’s a memory you really treasure from this comeback?”

He thought on that question, crossing his arm while lifting his other to bring the mic close to his mouth.

“Right now. This very moment.”

The fans all smiled with fondness, collectively saying “aww” and then burst into laughter when the others criticized him for his cheesy answer.

“I’m serious!” He said, “just right now… in this moment… seeing you after so long…”

He looked to her in the crowd again.

“Seeing you after such a long time… it’s the best memory. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“It’s only been a few months since your last comeback!” Shouted an Atiny.

San laughed.

“Yes. Well… it’s felt more like years. Thank you for coming,” he said before letting the questions continue.

Just as questions were ending, and they were about to get ready to do a fun performance, he looked over to see her leaving the seating area. His eyes followed her towards the exit. He left the stage without thinking.

“San?” someone shouted.

“Where are you going?” asked his manager.

He saw her pausing at the door but when she realized he was trying to make his way to her, she slipped out.

“Bathroom,” was all he said before leaving the auditorium.

He ran down the hallway, ignoring the staff calling out to him. He could hear Hongjoong laughing into the mic, telling Atiny’s not to worry. He’d be back quickly. He wasn’t sure about that.

Where’d she go?

He tried to sneak out to the main entrance. He found her. She was making her way to the outside doors. His heart was hammering in his chest.

“Y… Y/N!” he shouted.

No hesitation.

She turned her head, trying to find the voice that called her.

He let out a laugh.

“Y/N…”

It was her. He knew it. He was so glad to see her again, to know she was here. His feet naturally made their way towards her but that happiness was only short lived.

He watched her run away.

“W-wait!”

He wanted to chase her down but she left the building. She got into a black van. By the time he reached the glass doors, the van had started to drive away.

“San! What are you doing over here?” a staff member found him and hurriedly rushed him back, “they’re waiting for you!”

His body felt heavy. He made his way back to the auditorium, back to the stage, back for the performance the fans were waiting for.

Performance.

Right.

He pulled out his smile, apologized and got into position with the rest of his boys.

That night, when they all went home to rest, San laid in his bed rethinking everything from today. He pulled out his phone to find her name. He scrolled through a series of texts from the year they broke up.

All undelivered.

His thumb hovered over the text box when he heard a knock on his door. He looked up from his phone to see Seonghwa standing there.

“You okay?” Seonghwa asked.

“Yeah… why?”

“Just… today you were a bit… off, and now I see this on X,” Seonghwa pulled out his phone to show San clips from today’s fan sign.

San looks startled by a fan. I wonder what she said to him for him to look scared for the rest of the event.

San insulted by an Atiny?

San left shaken after an encounter with a Hongjoong biased fan.

“I wasn’t scared, or insulted,” he told Seonghwa, “I was just… surprised.”

“Some people thought different… especially since you ran out in the middle too.”

“Hyung, I was fine, I swear. It’s just… she was there.”

“Who?”

“Y/N.”

His eyes widened.

“I know it was her. I know her hands…”

San watched the clip and zoomed in to the part where she handed him her letter. He gave Seonghwa his phone back and rushed to flip through his fan letters. Green, florals, hearts, red, kraft paper, pink. Soft pink with a lace heart sticker to seal it. The writing looked like hers. The ink spelled his name.

He looked at Seonghwa, who seemed to understand and left the room before closing the door. San sat down on his bed and stared at the envelope. He gently traced over the paper with his thumb. Then he slowly, carefully lifted the seal to pull out the letter.

Dear San…

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Author's Note: I apologize for the slow updates but I appreciate the patient readers. Thank you for the ongoing support and interest! I'm genuinely happy to add more of you to my tag list.

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Oppa is more important! Hellooo! I want to watch San oppa. I could watch you all day Oppa you look so handsome Oppa looks sleepy How do you feel today? Hi! Hello Is San oppa working on a comeback? I love you oppa!

I’m doing pretty good. I just finished a schedule so I’ll have some free time for the next couple weeks. Perfect time to speak with atiny’s. How are you all doing?

I’m so happy oppa! I’m happy because oppa is LIVE tonight! San oppa was so sexy performing on the awards stage! Oppa looks handsome tonight.. San is LIVE! Where are the other members? Hi! Oppa, who do you like more? Wooyoung or Yeosang?

Haha, thank you. I rehearsed a lot for that stage. All of us did. Captain really wanted to leave a shocking impression on the audience, not just on atiny. So he asked me if I was comfortable with showing my abs. Wooyoungie too. He worked really hard to sculpt his body for this performance. 

WooSan is the best! I loved the performance.. So sexy..

Yeah, I was glad we didn’t run into any issues this time around. We’ve had performances where our mic’s turned off or there were some minor technical issues despite rehearsals going well. We were all really glad there were no problems this time around. We all just kinda had fun with it too. It was fun. I hope it was fun for atiny too.

It was the best performance of the night! Ateez always rock the house! Oppa is so handsome tonight San oppa hi! My bias is online Ateez was robbed of the best album award! I want to marry you oppa! Hi Atiny always have fun with your performances

No, don’t think that way. I think the artist that won the award was deserving of it.

It’s okay oppa! Atiny still love you guys Ateez deserved to win Helloooo Oppa, if you were a flavor of cereal what flavor would you be?

I think all the artists nominated were incredible and all deserving, but there’s only one award… and y/n sunbaenim’s album was just really amazing. I actually took a listen to it and was very moved by her story. I hope atiny will take the chance to hear it as well. Many global fans might not know this, but y/n sunbaenim’s comeback hit big here. Her music continues to play everywhere you go. As much as I wished it was Ateez, she clearly earned that win.

I take ateez recs seriously. I shall listen to her album soon! I wish ATEEZ won

I think the reason her music speaks to so many of us is because she’s very honest in her lyrics. It really sounds like she’s speaking with you directly. If you’ve gone through what she has… feelings of loneliness or sadness… I think you’ll really love her music. It was really nice to see LYRA sunbaenim reunite on the big stage as well. It was a shock to many of us to see their former member join them on stage. They were five again for one night. I’m sure they felt really happy. They’ve been in the industry for ten years now. I always hope we’ll stay as eight forever and have a ten year stage too. Twenty… Thirty… Forty.

Oppa! Ateez will be grandpa’s dancing on stage Sannie where’s everyone else? San oppa looks so sexy tonight, my heart is stolen

Hahahaha yeah could you imagine? All of us with grey hair, still performing our songs for atiny. Although, we probably wouldn’t be dancing anymore. Some of us might not have hair anymore either. Hahaha, maybe Wooyoung would be bald. No no, I think if anyone, it would be Hongjoong Hyung. He stresses a lot as captain. It’s partly our fault… He makes it easier on the rest of us but we make sure to take care of him too. I think we’ll all still be well and hairy then.

Please don’t go bald I’ll still love Oppa when he’s bald I love you San! Oppa looks a little sad today San, please marry me

I look sad?

Don’t listen! Oppa looks handsome San oppa don’t be sad! Are you sad?

I’m just sleepy I think.

San is LIVE? I’m late! You should get some sleep oppa.. Hi

Maybe I am a little sad, I guess.

Oh no, why is oppa sad? Atiny love and support you! Don’t feel sad Oppa!

Truthfully… I am a bit sad these days but not as much as I was initially. I… had a friend that I was very close with. We spoke often and hung out a lot but then one day he told me he didn’t want to be friends anymore. I knew he was going through a hard time… I tried to support him. I wanted him to reach out to me, lean on me, but he decided to stop talking to me. He blocked my number so I couldn’t reach out to him either. It hurt a lot. I think anyone who has experienced this knows how heartbreaking this can be. I was thinking maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe I said or did something wrong that made my friend only want to leave me. I learned he was still speaking to his other friends. I saw him hanging out with them. I was trying my best to be very understanding but there was still this pain of feeling abandoned, you know? Why was I left behind? Why was he still talking to everyone else, but not me? It made me feel like I lacked something. He couldn’t tell me what he was feeling… I think it was just easier for him to leave. To be honest, I understand him. I do… I’m not angry anymore. I was before, but not anymore. I wish he had stayed but I understand why he thought it was better to leave. When you’re in the state of mind he was in… maybe still is… you will believe whatever your mind tells you, right? I think he believed that I hated him… believed that he was weighing me down. But I never felt that way. I sometimes wonder if he’ll see my LIVE one day. If he does, I would want to tell him… hmm… I would want to say to him that… you were never a burden to me. Never. I really loved our friendship. I still think about you to this day. I thought I was fine with you out of my life, but when I happened to run into you recently, I was really happy… but also really sad. It made me realize I still wish we were… friends again. But you looked scared to see me. I think you were afraid I was still upset with you. I promise I’m not. I hope the next time I’m fortunate to run into you again, you’ll be able to look at me confidently. I hope we’re able to have a conversation like we used to… and it just feels like we haven’t caught up in a while. I would tell you… that I miss you. You were a great part of my life.

Oppa sounds so romantic It sounds like you’re confessing your love to him

What’s wrong with confessing love to a friend? Hahaha I’m just kidding. I feel a little better getting this off my chest now. I don’t think he’ll see this… but it’s okay to hope, isn’t it?

I hope your friend sees this I can be oppa’s friend! You don’t need him We support San oppa May Oppa and his friend reunite one day It’s okay, you have your members! They’re your best friends That’s so sad… sometimes I miss my friend too. I hope oppa will be happy with his friend again. And your friend is healthier now

Yeah… sorry, I brought the mood down haha… Thank you for hearing me out but I think it’s best we move onto something more fun, don’t you all agree? Did you see that video of Yeosang and I? Someone caught Yeosangie gazing at me when I wasn’t paying attention. AH! I wish I noticed but I’m glad there’s proof out there that he loves me too–”

“Hey, y/n, are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

*Click*

-----------------------------------------------------

Track 1. Introduction.

He heard the ocean, the sound of feet walking on sand, a slow cello and then the soft humming of her voice before she began to speak. A voice he hadn’t heard in years. She talked about the waves, how they looked so calm that night and how the sand below her feet felt so comforting that she wanted to sink into it. She didn’t sound happy but she didn’t sound sad either. He knew from her tone that she was smiling. She had to be smiling. There was a soft laugh. She spoke of regret, the orchestra picked up, of sadness, of a pain so unbearable at times that she wished the ocean in front of her would wash her away. Then she said she was lucky, grateful, the music softened, blessed that she wasn’t given up on. She spoke of the moon and saw herself as someone without a light of her own, until the warmth of her ‘sun’, of her ‘stars’, made her radiate an incredible glow. Slow keys of the piano jumped with the quiet waves. She felt lighter. She felt more at ease. For that, she wanted to say ‘thank you’.

Then he heard her sing. 

He felt his knees getting weak. He stood against the wall and let himself slip away until he sat crouched with his head between his legs. 

“Heavy silence was all I knew. The days around me began to feel blue. Until I had found my way back to  the home that has always been you.”

He felt an ache in his chest.

“The home that has always been you.”

His throat began to feel tight.

“San, you know… you have a way of… I don’t know… I just feel at home when I’m with you. You have that way… of making me feel safe.”

Safe. She had told him before that he made her feel safe. Yet… 

‘Mountain Rain’, a song she said she wrote specifically for him. He skipped to that track and listened to it with his eyes closed. He heard every word she sang, every reach in her voice, every breath she took. 

It was unfair, he thought.

It was unfair the pain she had carried all these years.

The tears just poured down. He buried his face into his hands.

He didn’t hear the door open. He didn’t care whose hands were on him, whose voice was trying to speak to him over her song.

“San…”

“It’s okay. We’re here for you, San.”

“Let yourself feel everything.”

There was an embrace and a silent understanding. They had all trickled in one by one and sat with him as he listened to her voice. He cried at the memories. The one thing he understood the most was how fortunate she must have felt for the bond she had with her members. Because he felt the same with his boys.

Her music video for ‘You’ was everywhere. Her fans weren’t the only ones going crazy over her debut. Multiple songs were hitting number one on the charts, and none more so than ‘Mountain Rain’. Every radio station featured her music, always requested by a listener. Celebrities kept mentioning y/n when asked about their latest playlists. She was on nearly every pop culture headline.

“The quiet idol who made her extraordinary return.”

Y/N was the hot topic for weeks, despite no proper promotion or appearances after her debut. It was at her request, as her company stated, that she only planned to release her music and nothing else. No matter how much he had hoped to run into her at music shows or promotional activities, it just wasn’t going to happen. He hadn’t seen her in nearly three years. Why would he run into her now, especially when she made it clear she would never allow that to happen?

“To protect his peace, I would avoid him at all costs.”

Then came the awards.

Ateez walked the red carpet just before them. 

LYRA.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

That was it. Only four members showed up and took photos together. Of course. She had left. They had been continuing on as four for so long now. She was solo now. He shouldn’t have felt as disappointed as he did, but he did. He still hoped there was a chance to run into her on the carpet. Afterall, she had been nominated for a few categories. That hope followed him when he went to head into the building. He sat down with his group and scanned all the other idol groups and solo acts present. 

He never saw her. His hope had started to diminish. He sat through each performance and speech with performed enthusiasm. Every time his face would slip back into disappointment, he was nudged out of concern. Every time he would shake his head to say he was okay and go back to waving at the fans who called his name. The awards continued. Her categories hadn’t been announced yet.

“Congratulations to the rookie artist of the year!”

There was applause. The hosts waited to continue.

“Ten years ago, our next performers had also made their debut! Tonight, they celebrate their tenth anniversary here on stage by giving you an incredible performance of their biggest hits! Give it up for your former rookie artists of the year, LYRA!”

He watched the girls women appear on the stage. They started with their more recent songs that only featured the four of them. Other groups were genuinely enjoying the show. Fans of various fandoms were screaming out their names. His members were cheering and nodding their heads along to the music, so he tried to do the same. The fanchant grew loud.

“Lune! Halo! Vega! And Astra! These are the stars that make up LYRA!”

Two songs had finished and Sooyoung, Lune, spoke to the audience as they calmed down.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. Say that again?!”

The audience grew louder.

“Lune! Halo! Vega! And Astra! These are the stars that make up LYRA!”

Sooyoung’s face on the screen didn’t look too impressed. She asked the audience to try again and they screamed the chant one more time.

“Hmm… I think the audience needs some help. Wouldn’t you agree, girls?” Sooyoung asked the other members and they agreed in unison.

“Maybe we need to remind them how the chant is supposed to go,” Kai spoke into her mic.

“Yeah. We have Lune!” Sooyoung posed for the audience and they cheered for her.

“We have Halo!” The audience cheered for Eunji.

“We have Vega!” Kai bellowed and laughed.

“We have Astra!” Yubin smiled and waved.

The audience cheered for the girls and then Sooyoung said something that made the crowd tense up with anticipation.

“And?!”

The lights turned off, setting the whole building into a frenzy.

“We have Nova!”

His heart nearly dropped when he heard her voice shouting into a mic. The audience screamed as the middle of the stage was lit and y/n appeared from beneath the stage. She stood tall and greeted everybody with a huge smile. He tried to hide the shock on his face.

“These are the stars that make up LYRA!” Sooyoung screamed and their debut song began to play.

Everyone stood up. Wooyoung pulled him up with him. He watched them dance, sing and laugh on stage with y/n. She looked happy. She genuinely looked so happy to be up there. The girls were happy. The fans were happy.

He was so happy to finally see her again. He danced with Wooyoung and laughed when he heard Seonghwa shouting the lyrics.

They performed three songs together before ending their stage and bowing to a standing ovation. His heart was pounding as he watched her walk off with her former group. They made their line back to their seats with y/n right behind them. His heartbeat grew louder as everything else went quiet. He couldn’t feel his hands clapping. He couldn’t get his eyes to focus on anyone else but her. Everything started to slow down. She bowed to everyone who greeted them before they sat down. She smiled at everyone. 

She got closer to him.

He felt his breath catch in his throat.

Her eyes found him.

He stared at her as if it was the first time he’d ever seen her.

As if he had never seen someone so beautiful before.

Her smile fell.

Her eyes looked away.

He felt his heart ache, screaming at her to look at him again.

“...I would avoid him at all costs…”

She greeted the eight of them and sat with her girls, at the furthest spot away from him.

“San?”

“I’m good, Wooyoung.”

He wasn’t and Wooyoung knew that. His heart was sinking. He tried his best to not look her way for the rest of the show. She did her best to only look ahead. She did her best to only look at her girls when she went up to accept her awards.

She thanked everyone who stayed with her.

What about me?

She thanked everyone who gave her a second chance.

What about me?

She thanked everyone who showed her love.

What about me?

“And… to the one who inspired the biggest song on my album. I want to thank you the most.”

The crowd went crazy. They wanted to know who this man was. 

“Without you, I wouldn’t be here today accepting this award.”

He watched her intently but her eyes looked anywhere else. 

“If you’re watching…”

I am.

“I truly hope you’re doing well.”

She did her best to keep her head down when she came back to sit down. He did his best to smile and clap for her. She wanted him to be well. She wanted him to be happy.

She wanted him to be happy, without her.

But he…

“I’m not well, Wooyoung.”

Wooyoung looked at him and seemed to contemplate something.

“I could go for some drinks after this,” he said, “I’ll stay up with you for as long as you need.”

“Thanks.”

He still loved her.

----------------------------------------------------- Tag List: @candied-czennie

Thank you for joining us today, y/n. I really appreciate you taking the time to speak with us here at AFTERLIGHT.

Thank you for having me.

How are you feeling? I take it must be hard to adjust back into your routine after being away for so long.

Hmm… I think I’m doing okay, all things considered. 

Take your time settling in. I think many fans, myself included, didn’t expect your hiatus to extend for as long as it did. It’s been three years since you last made an appearance, right? 

Yes, it’s been about three years. I went on a hiatus in July of 2023. I had no intention of being gone for that long. I didn’t think it would lead to a departure from my team—my sisters—either. It was just something that needed to happen for me. I needed a longer break and we all decided, LYRA and our company, that it was best for me to depart so I could solely focus on my health without holding back the other girls.

I remember the articles at the time when the statement was released. Fans had many theories online since there had been no sightings of you with the girls after that for three years. I guess that leads me to ask how was your relationship with LYRA during that time?

It’s very easy to make assumptions about people we don’t know, isn’t it? I’m guilty of it myself. You know, I debuted with LYRA when I was sixteen years old. I was the second youngest, next to Yubin. You all know her as Astra. She was the closest member to me in the group mostly because of our age. We shared a bedroom in our dorm for the first three years. I still speak with her regularly even if we don’t meet up often. Sooyoung was our eldest sister, sometimes our mother with how much care she had for us. She would take the couch when we didn’t have enough room in our early years, just so the rest of us could sleep better. She was only eighteen when we debuted. Kai and Eunji were both seventeen. We were all young and around the same age. The five of us had the same experiences of idol life. I think those two factors made it really easy for us to bond as much as we did. That’s not something that can be broken in my opinion. I never left the group because of differences or any bullying. I want to clear that part up. We may have fought like sisters do, but I never experienced any negative intentions from them. I’ve never been jealous of them and I’ve never felt any jealousy from them either. There just wasn’t any room for it. It matters a lot to me that the public knows this. We all still support each other behind the scenes. They really tried to get me to stay. It was hard on all of us, but it was just the best decision for me to depart. So now, without Sooyoung, Yubin, Eunji and Kai, I don’t think I would’ve had the confidence to return to music. 

You speak so highly of the girls, it’s incredible to hear how much love there is between you all. As a fan from day one, I’m glad to hear the rumours of ‘bad blood’ were baseless. It’s refreshing when members genuinely care for one another.

I understand not everyone will feel the same about their teams. This is a job after all. I don’t want to discredit those who want to behave in a more professional manner, but I truly have such a tremendous amount of love for my girls.

I can assume you wrote a song to express that love for them? You’re smiling a lot as I ask.

We’ll just have to get to that part. 

Of course. So, let’s speak about your upcoming solo debut. How were you feeling about making your return to music?

In all honesty, I was quite scared to come back for many reasons. I’m no longer ‘Nova of LYRA’. I’m debuting as ‘Y/N’ this time. Just myself. I wasn’t sure if anyone would care for my solo activity. I’m with a new label. I have a concept that’s so far from what I was known for. But when I posted the first few pictures on my social media and saw the response, it did help ease some anxiety. To see that people were excited to have me back… I’m still not confident about the results but I know I have a strong team behind me. Especially Sooyoung, who pushed me to do this album. She’s a leader for a reason. If not for my LYRA sisters, my family, I’m not sure this project would’ve been possible.

I, for one, am very curious for the public to hear your new sound and see how they react. You mentioned it yourself about having a very different concept. Your solo debut might not be what fans of LYRA are used to, even having the title as just your full name. What do you hope for when your album is released?

Well, for one, my debut album is titled “L/N Y/N” because I wanted to reintroduce myself. Fans were only introduced to Nova, a younger version of me that fit our debut concept. I’ve been away for so long and a lot has changed. I’ve grown up a lot. Even when I was in LYRA, I wasn’t the same person at twenty three as I was when I was sixteen. I never really got the opportunity to share any side of me that wasn’t always so bright, positive or mischievous. It’s not to say I wasn’t those things, just… not everything was going great all the time. I had a lot of moments of self doubt, moments of anger or frustration, moments of severe anxiety to the point where I ended up leaving the group. I wanted to be able to share the part of me that struggled, and still struggles, but felt that I couldn’t speak up until now. So, I hope those who listen to my first album will leave those images of my ‘Nova’ self aside and just come in with an open mind. I want those listening to know that pain is a part of life and it’s okay. We don’t have to bury it away and push through life as though it doesn't exist. I’m still doing my best to break that habit. I just want my fans and anyone else who may be struggling to know that they’re not alone and it’s okay to ask for help. That being said, I also made sure to include a song similar to what ‘Nova’ would love called “Galaxy”. As well as a couple songs that I hope are more fun to play. I don’t want to forget ‘Nova’. I just want ‘Y/N’ to have her chance now.

Let’s go through each track on your album then. You have ten tracks listed, plus a bonus song that’s only available to those who purchase your physical album. How would you describe each one to those waiting for the release?

Yes, so, track one is just an introduction–a monologue actually. I wanted to take the time to speak to those who waited for me. My family, my friends, the fans. I wanted to start off with gratitude to those who were willing to give me a second chance. Hwang Hyun, the main composer for this album, blended the outro of my monologue into the intro of the second track titled “You”, which is actually the title track for my solo debut. I wrote “You” as an open ended ballad because the message in it felt like it was for every person who stood by me. “The Woods” is a song I wrote about my state of mind during the three years away. “A.W.W.” which is abbreviated for “Am”, “Was” and “Will Be”. I was lucky to work with a pop legend on the track “Back To You”, a more lighthearted track that focuses more on performance. “Our Youth”—I see you smiling now—is a song I wrote for my debut sisters. “Galaxy” and “Dust” are more fun and what fans of LYRA may enjoy most. “Clockwork” shifts the listener back into the mood set for my album before the final track “Lost in Space” which is an instrumental. A lot of people worked really hard to make this album happen, which is also why I’m very nervous about the reception. But I’m also glad I did this, regardless of the outcome.

I may be biased but, after listening to the album myself, I’m sure many listeners and fans will truly love the work you put into each song. The album felt very raw, not just with your slower more poetic tracks but with your more upbeat songs as well. I really felt as though I got to meet Y/N for the first time, not the carefully crafted Nova that we’ve known for so long.

Thank you for your kind words.

I had a question regarding your bonus track, which I’ll mention again is only available with the physical copies. The track is called “Mountain Rain”. Maybe it’s because it’s an exclusive track, but I found it to be the most beautiful song on your album. The depth of the lyrics and the way the music pulled at my heartstrings—I’ll admit I cried while listening to your voice. I felt the ache. Are you willing to share the inspiration for this masterpiece? I see that you're hesitant. We don’t have to discuss it.

No it’s okay. This song was the most difficult for me to write, yet it was the fastest song recorded in the studio. I think it’s because it felt like the most important song for me to get out there, but… the reason I kept it exclusive is because—truthfully—I’m a coward. I had someone in my life that I hurt pretty badly and… it wasn’t just a one time thing. I was struggling a lot with my health and he was very patient with me but I couldn’t stop hurting him. I was cruel. I knew he wouldn’t leave me, it wasn’t in him to leave when I was already so weak, so I pushed him away instead. It was hard. Extremely hard. But it was best for him to be free… away from someone causing him so much pain.

Sounds like a first love.

Oh, like you wouldn’t believe.

Do you still think of him, or rather do you hope he will hear this song?

Who doesn’t think of the person they shared their first experience of love with? In all honesty, I do think of him because there’s a lot that I was very grateful for but a lot that I still feel so sorry about. I was really lacking a lot in that relationship. I will always feel guilty for pulling him down. I want to hope that he is doing better these days. If this song somehow finds its way to him… I hope he will hear how sorry I still am. I hope… he knows that I wish for nothing but his happiness. He was nothing but the best… to the worst version of myself.

Well, I hope he does get the opportunity to hear your song. There may be a chance to reconnect, maybe even rekindle the love you both had–assuming you're both single.

I had a feeling this interview would head in that direction.

Sorry, but you’ve peaked that interest.

Yeah, well love is a beautiful human connection. It can both create and destroy. I don’t have anyone in my life if that’s what you were hoping to hear. But… I have no interest in reconnecting with him. I’m in a better place than I was before, but I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I don’t want to hurt him again. It’s best for us to leave us where we left off. I want him, if he hasn’t already, to find someone better–far better than I ever was to him. Because, to me, he deserves only the best.

So if you ever ran into him, would you speak to him?

No. To protect his peace, I would avoid him at all costs.

Wow. What a level of consideration for someone you once shared a special connection with. I’m sure many will be very curious to know who this exceptional man is. The man who inspired, in my opinion, one of the greatest songs of love to come out this year. I really thank you for coming here to speak to us about your upcoming solo debut. If you have any final words, you may share them.

Thank you again for having me. I have always enjoyed speaking with the staff of AFTERLIGHT. My debut album comes out this week. Please look out for it and I hope you all enjoy it.

Thank you—

“San. Get off your phone. It’s time to practice.”

-----------------------------------------------------

“Hey, Wooyoung,” I looked at Yunho when he called him out, “a couple of us joined your study sessions with y/n. Hope you don’t mind.”

Wooyoung looked between Yunho and I, his hands continuing to squeeze his beanie.

“They… just want to study. I promise.”

He seemed to think about it for a moment.

“Fine… then I get to bring someone too.”

Yunho and I looked at each other after Wooyoung walked away. Yunho just shrugged and told me not to worry too much about it. He didn’t refute the study session, despite our last encounter. I couldn’t understand him.

Jung Wooyoung was too confusing.

We got to class where I found Mirae already sitting at her desk looking through her camera. She greeted us as we sat down and told us she had arrived early to get some club business sorted. Mirae’s eyes kept wandering when she spoke to me, not once gazing in my direction.

“Is everything okay?” I asked her.

“Yeah, why?”

“Just, you seem…” avoidant, I wanted to say, “if anything is on your mind, I’m here for you. Okay?”

The smile on her face looked rigid. Her eyes finally locked with mine but I suddenly felt uneasy.

“I’m good. Nothing to worry about,” she said before going back to her camera.

I suddenly felt cold.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What’s with all these looks?”

The four of us had gathered in the library. Mingi sat to my right. Mirae sat to Yunho’s left, across from us. We waited for Wooyoung to show before starting on anything and were met with shock when he brought his plus one.

Sihyun.

“What’s she doing here?” asked Mirae.

“I was invited by Wooyoung,” said Sihyun.

“Y/N said I could bring a friend,” Wooyoung looked at me and I felt myself shrinking in my seat. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Mirae but I could only picture her disappointed face.

“I have no problem with this!” said Mingi, “the more the merrier, in my opinion. Isn’t that right, Yunho?”

Yunho’s eyes met mine. I knew what he was asking. He knew what I was saying in response.

“It’s fine. We piled up on Wooyoung first,” said Yunho, “it’s only fair he brings a friend of his.”

“Exactly.” 

I watched as Sihyun took the empty seat next to Yunho. She stuck her tongue out at Wooyoung, who looked a bit uncomfortable. He slowly took his seat next to me before pulling out his books. I suddenly felt this warmth radiating in my direction causing my stomach to flip.

It was hard for me to focus. Mingi kept asking me questions, then giving me praise as he normally did, but I felt myself getting more self conscious all of a sudden. I wanted Mingi to stop with the compliments. I was nervous Wooyoung or Sihyun would disagree with the comments, but they both seemed busy with their work.

Sihyun was actually paying attention to Yunho as he tutored her. She muttered something only he seemed to hear and I was surprised to hear him laugh. Yunho waved his hand and shook his head when I gave him a questioning look. Mirae didn’t look too impressed by the interaction.

“Why was she here, y/n? How could you let that happen?” Mirae asked when we gathered our belongings at the end of lunch.

Wooyoung and Sihyun had already walked ahead of us.

“What’s the big deal?” asked Mingi.

“The ‘big deal’ is that Sihyun is a major bi—bully. I can’t believe she had the audacity to sit with us! Acting like she’s part of our group and everything.”

“She seemed fine to me,” Mingi shrugged, looking towards Yunho.

“Then she’s already fooled you too. First the new kid and now Mingi. Y/N, you believe me though, right? And Yunho?”

“Of course I do,” I told her, but Yunho kept silent.

“Then don’t let her study with us again.”

“I can’t do that, Mirae.”

“Why not? Am I not your best friend?”

“Actually, that would be me—”

“I’m serious, Yunho!” she nearly glared at him.

I was surprised. Mirae has never been this bothered by anything before. From the start of my first year, Mirae has only ever been smiles and laughs. I knew she didn’t like Sihyun, but I had never seen her this upset before. I felt guilty for causing this.

“Y/N,” she took my hands in hers and smiled gently, “I don’t think I can study with you if she’s around again.”

“I understand, but I told Wooyoung—”

“You’re not getting it, y/n,” her face became rigid again, “either you ask her to leave, or I won’t be spending lunch with you guys.”

“That sounds harsh,” said Mingi.

I heard Yunho warn Mingi to stay quiet. I felt my heart hammering against my chest. She was asking me to pick between her and Sihyun. The answer was easy. Of course Mirae mattered more. Sure I had an agreement with Wooyoung and he said it himself.

“We are not friends.”

But then, why was it so hard to choose?

“You can’t seriously be thinking about this?”

“Mirae, you’re not being fair. Y/N made a promise to Wooyoung,” said Yunho, “it’s our fault for crashing their sessions in the first place.”

“You just always have to take her side,” she said it quietly, but it was heard clearly in the silence of the library.

“Mirae—“

“It’s fine. I get it. Just don’t come crying back to me.”

She gathered her belongings and left in a rush. I felt my eyes sting.

“Y/N?”

I felt Yunho’s hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t take my eyes off Mirae as she pushed through Wooyoung and Sihyun. I had never seen her like this before. She had never spoken to me like this. Had I truly hurt her that deeply?

“What’s her deal?” I heard Mingi sigh.

“Y/N?” Yunho’s voice was getting smaller.

“You take care of your friend. I’ll head off with those two weirdo’s.”

“Thanks, Mingi.”

My vision blurred. Yunho stepped in front of me to hide me from everyone else.

“I made a bad choice.”

“No.”

“I hurt her feelings.”

“It’s okay.”

“No it’s not.”

“Y/N, look at me,” he grabbed my arms and brought his face to my eye level, “do you think Wooyoung is a bad person? Tell me honestly, do you truly believe he’s a bad guy?”

I shook my head.

“You want to know him, right? I know… you care about Mirae, but… maybe it’s okay to give her some space. You’re… allowed to have other friends, y/n,” he slowly removed his hands from my arms, “you’re allowed to want to know people outside of Mirae… and myself.”

When I couldn’t answer him, he began to wipe my tears with his hands.

“You were never this big of a baby when we were younger,” he chuckled.

“Because I always had to take care of you,” I said, letting out a small laugh.

“Ah, so it’s been my job now?”

I pulled away to wipe my face dry.

“Look, Mirae can be upset about Sihyun. But I don’t think she can be upset about Wooyoung. If it helps, I could try to talk her down?”

“I don’t know if that will help.”

“You just always have to take her side.”

“Okay, then we let her come to us when she’s ready. Until then, you still have me… maybe the other loser too.”

I knew he was referring to Mingi. He smiled wider when I laughed again.

Maybe it’s the mind of an older sibling that makes you want to take care of someone so much, because Yunho looked much older at this moment. He didn’t feel like the friend who would share his gummies and gleefully celebrate his childish victories against me.

I felt like I was starting to see my friend growing into a man.

“Okay. I’ll do as you say.”

“That’s right!”

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and began to walk me out.

“Everything will be fine.”

Everything will be fine.

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“Hongjoong wants to go out for karaoke,” said Jihyo, “want to join us?”

We were sitting at the kitchen table, eating microwaved ramen. Our mom was out on a walk with the neighbourhood aunties. Jihyo filled me in on our mom’s search for new hobbies while our dad was busy with his ‘business trips’. It was all still a shock to me. The house would always get eerily quiet whenever he came home and whenever he left. But Jihyo decided, if our mother wanted to try so hard and pretend all was fine, we had every right to ignore it too. It was better than moping around.

For our own sanity.

Ever since sharing the weight of this family secret, Jihyo started to get back to her usual self. Although, I’m sure it also had to do with not hiding her relationship anymore either.

“Really? Hongjoong wants to go out for karaoke?”

“Okay, fine. I want to. I’m so done with studying for midterms and uni entrance exams. I’m ready to do something fun to celebrate after we finish them.”

“I thought you had no plans for university?”

“‘Joong said it’s good to keep my options open. I questioned if he doubted my skills to get into an entertainment company. He said ‘of course not’, but I did side eye him for that comment.”

“The nerve.”

“Nah, he has a point. Agencies are tough to get into.”

“Are you doubting yourself?” I asked her, lowering my cup from my face.

“Now, why would I doubt myself?” she flipped her hair behind her shoulder, “am I not the most beautiful Unnie to ever exist?”

“Of course you are.”

“Then of course I’ll get in! I’m doing this to soothe his anxiety.”

“Wow, Unnie is such a great girlfriend to Hongjoong.”

We both giggled and resumed eating again. I liked that we were back to normal again. It did sting at times when I saw the two together or when she spoke of him, but each day seemed to get lighter. I would even catch myself smiling when they would hold hands during our walk to school. I remember the uproar his basketball friends caused when they saw their star player linked with the prettiest senior at our school.

It still hurt, but I was genuinely happy for them.

“So karaoke? You can invite Yunho too!”

“I’m sure he would love to join.”

I thought about Mirae. She was upset but I couldn’t exclude her from this.

“Mirae would too.”

“Oh yeah, ask her too.”

“Maybe Mingi.”

“Oh? Mingi? Who is this new person I’m hearing of for the first time?”

“Nobody special.”

“Nobody special, really?”

“He’s a friend of Yunho’s. They’re on the same soccer team. He started studying with us during lunch recently. He’s pretty nice, despite what Yunho thinks.”

“Ah, I don’t know, y/n. You’re pretty good at seeing the good in others. Not skeptical enough like me. It’s not a bad thing,” she said when my brows creased, “I just worry about new people taking advantage of your kindness. That’s all.”

“I know… but if it helps. He pushed me to speak to you… about everything.”

“Did he?” she smiled when I nodded, “well, then he’s invited too.”

I thought about Wooyoung. Would he want to come?

“We are not friends.”

I slurped my noodles as I thought about it. Yunho told me to try.

“You’re allowed to have other friends.”

So… I would try.

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Mirae didn’t show up to school with Yunho. He walked over to me alone. I saw her chatting with a boy from her photography club. She looked over her shoulder to see us but just walked away. Yunho reassured me she probably just needed space. He told me not to feel guilty about any of this, but it was hard.

She wouldn’t look at me during classes and she left quickly during lunch.

I couldn’t focus well in the library. I sat between Wooyoung and Mingi again. One kept chatting away while the other stayed quiet. Yunho was busy helping Sihyun but I would catch him peeking at me from time to time.

“Well, shit, seems I forgot my earbuds in my backpack,” said Sihyun, “I can’t study without some music in my ears.”

“I could sing for you,” said Mingi.

“Shut up.”

Sihyun looked at me and gave a nod of her head.

“Hey, y/n, go get them for me, will ya?”

“E-excuse me?”

“Why–”

“Why should she have to do that?” 

Mingi and Wooyoung spoke at the same time, cutting off Yunho. Both boys eyed the other. Wooyoung was the first to lower his gaze.

“Y/N doesn’t mind, does she?” Sihyun looked at me, “not like this short trip will affect her studying. I need all the time I can get. Unless, she thinks her time is more important.”

“Sihyun…”

“It’s okay. I can grab them for you,” I said, standing up from my seat.

“Thank you,” she waved and gave me a smile that did not feel genuine.

I looked back to see Yunho trying to come after me, but Sihyun grabbed his arm to sit him back down.

The hallways were pretty dead for lunch hour, save for a few kids standing around in quiet pairs. I made my way down to the home room, wondering if Mirae would be there as well. I knew she was upset about our study group but I had hoped she would’ve come around to it now or at least speak with me. I hesitated on opening the door when I got there.

“Y/N!”

I heard my name being called and looked to the side to see Wooyoung standing there. I was surprised. I hadn’t realized… had he been following behind me?

“Wooyoung?”

He lowered his gaze but I could tell his eyes were wandering.

“I… um…”

“Are you okay, Wooyoung?”

I noticed his fingers fidgeting, his hands trembling.

“I came to tell you… if you don’t want to tutor me anymore, I’m okay with ending our arrangement."

What?

Is that what he wanted? Did I offend him that much, that he wanted to stop seeing me at lunch now?

“You must really not like me,” I told him, trying to laugh it off.

“What? No–”

“I see.”

“No, I meant–that’s not… I wasn’t supposed to… shit.”

“It’s okay, Wooyoung. I understand–”

“No you don’!”

His voice sent me backwards. I took a step to steady myself. I looked around to see the few people in the hallway starting to look our way.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry!”

He had bowed ninety degrees as he apologized, catching me completely off guard. 

“About what I said to you, on the rooftop, I’m… so sorry.” 

“I-it’s okay! Don’t worry about it!”

“No, it was wrong of me.”

“Wooyoung, it’s okay!”

I quickly moved to help him stand upright again.

“Please.”

I froze when I heard his quiet voice.

“Please, let me.”

I stepped away and watched him slowly lift up. He wouldn’t look at me but I listened anyway.

“I… was angry,” he told me, “about something else… And I took it out on you. It… wasn’t fair.”

He looked at me then, with frightened eyes.

“I’m… really sorry for yelling at you. And… you have every reason to be angry at me… to hate me.”

“Wooyoung…”

“I’m… I don’t know how…”

That’s when I noticed his breaths were coming out short. The eyes of others didn’t bother me anymore at that moment. I was more worried about the boy in front of me who looked desperate for my forgiveness.

“I don’t hate you,” I told him, “I’m not angry either.”

“Why not? You have every right to be.”

“I guess, but… to be honest, you had a point. We… aren’t friends. So… you did nothing wrong by not telling me everything back then. If I was in your position, I probably would’ve done the same and kept quiet. So…”

I wasn’t sure if he would be okay with this, but I reached out to take his hand and smiled.

“It’s okay. Thank you for finding me and apologizing. But I promise you, Wooyoung, I don’t hate you.”

He looked down at our hands. I let him go when I heard the quiet whispers around us.

“Sorry. I tend to hold Yunho’s hand sometimes,” when he’s upset, “but he’s my friend and I keep forgetting we’re not…”

“It’s okay.”

I let out an awkward laugh and walked back towards the door.

“Actually, um… about that…” Wooyoung was fidgeting again, “If it’s okay… I wanted to… I wouldn’t mind…”

I felt my heart fluttering. Was he trying to ask what I thought he was?

“Um… just forget it…”

No. I heard Yunho’s voice in my head.

“You’re allowed to have other friends.”

“Wooyoung, actually,” I felt my heart pounding, “I was wondering, if it’s alright with you, would you… could we be friends?”

He didn’t answer. He just stood there all stiff and quiet.

“W-Wooyoung—?”

“Yes! Ah, I mean… yes. Yes. Okay.”

I felt a warmth creeping onto my cheeks.

“O-okay.”

“Okay.”

Okay.

I felt strange. My brain began to blur everything else around him. Everyone else disappeared. There was only Wooyoung and I for that brief moment. Nothing else was said as we stood there, just taking this in.

Friends.

Wooyoung wanted to be friends. I couldn’t help the way my stomach kept flipping.

“Right… I’ll get Sihyun’s earbuds now, then.”

“Oh, I forgot. I actually came to tell you that she found her earbuds,” he told me, looking away, “said they happened to be with her the whole time, so…”

“Oh, okay. Guess we could just head back then.”

“Yeah.”

We walked back to the library together in silence. It still felt awkward but not in the way it always did before. There was a sense of certainty here.

We got to the library and sat back in our seats. Yunho nodded his head at me, asking me why I was smiling so much. I only shook my head and tried to get myself to calm down. I heard giggling coming from Sihyun, but her attention was on Wooyoung. She looked down at her notes when he scowled at her. I wondered just what their relationship was.

Maybe it was the same as Yunho and I. At the end of lunch, after the other three started to walk off, I grabbed Yunho for a hug. I couldn’t stop giggling.

“What happened?” he asked.

“He wants to be friends, Yunho.”

“Wooyoung?”

I pulled away and nodded my head.

“Ah, I guess that’s what that whole thing was about,” he said.

“What whole thing?”

“Sihyun found her earbuds after you left, but she wouldn’t let me tell you. I thought it was weird, and I worried when she made Wooyoung go after you but I guess this all makes sense now.”

“She made him?”

“Yeah, but I guess he wanted some kind of push, right? I mean, if he’s been wanting to be your friend too.”

I felt my cheeks getting hot again and the giggling resumed.

“I haven’t seen you this happy in a while,” he chuckled, “don’t go forgetting about me now.”

“Of course not. I’m sure Wooyoung would love you as a friend too.”

“Will he now?”

“Absolutely! You’re the best friend any person could have. He’ll love you!”

Yunho’s blush spread over his nose.

“I guess you’re right about that,” he cleared his throat, “come on. Let’s get back to class before the bell rings.”

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It was weird.

Sihyun never joined us again for our lunch sessions after that day, but Mirae still didn’t come back.

Yunho didn’t run into Mirae on the bus for the last couple days leading up to the midterms. She continued to avoid us at school too, always hanging around older kids or her photography club members. I wanted to tell her about karaoke. Yunho had been invited and even though I had planned to invite Mingi as well, he invited himself after hearing our conversation. I felt anxious about inviting Wooyoung but after establishing a friendship, it shouldn’t have felt unreasonable to ask him. So, I did. He looked around the table, thinking about it, which made me start to feel let down. That was, until the boys encouraged him to tag along. Wooyoung agreed and covered his mouth after Mingi cheered.

The only person left was Mirae. I figured I could ask her once our exams were over. I kept peeking over to her during the tests. She stayed focused on her papers so I told myself to stay focused on mine. Mr. Kim was walking around, making sure we weren’t cheating. At the end of each exam day, Mingi would suggest an after school hangout. I’d try to run over to Mirae to have her come with us, but she’d already be gone.

I wanted to believe she was stressed with the remaining midterms. Afterall, we would only grab some street food or pastries before calling it a night and returning home to study. Jihyo kept saying I was crazy for all the intense work I was putting in. I called her crazy for not putting in enough.

Just before I went to sleep, I pulled out my phone and looked at Mirae’s number. My thumb hovered over her name. I typed out a message, erased it, tried again, hesitated and then sent it.

Hey Mirae, a few of us are going out for karaoke after midterms are done.

I’d really love it if you came too.

It would be fun. — Y/N

I couldn’t sleep. Normally, she texted fast but I didn’t get any answer right away. I decided to leave it for the morning. 

“Everything will be okay.”

Right. Everything would be okay.

But when I woke up, I checked my phone to see that I had been left on read.

The exams eventually finished and I was exhausted.

“How do you think you did?” asked Yunho, “stupid of me to ask, since you’re always acing everything.”

“And like you don’t? I think I did okay.”

“Bull.”

I looked to Mirae, who was packing up her bag. I stood up and tried to walk towards her before she could leave again.

“Jung Wooyoung.”

Mr. Kim’s voice caught my attention. I looked at Wooyoung as he nervously walked over to our teacher. Mr. Kim was speaking very quietly. I became worried for my new friend. I hoped all was well. But then the smile on Mr. Kim’s face and his hand patting Wooyoung’s shoulder made me sigh with relief. I wondered what they spoke about.

“What was that about?” Yunho asked him.

“Nothing.”

Yunho wasn’t Mingi. He knew when not to push. No matter how much we wanted to know what happened. We had learned that Wooyoung was a tightly locked chest as well. I would wait for him to trust me in his own time.

I looked back to Mirae’s empty desk.

Some things were going to stay secret no matter how desperately I wished to know.

“Um, about karaoke,” said Wooyoung, catching my attention, “I was wondering, is it okay to let Sihyun tag along as well?”

“Sihyun?”

I wasn’t too sure about that. I was already getting the silent treatment from Mirae because of her. I looked at Yunho who just shrugged, feeling just as unsure as me. Wooyoung, seeming to sense our discomfort, spoke again.

“She’s not a bad person. I don’t know what you’ve heard… or what she may have done but… I promise Sihyun’s not a bad person.”

Yunho and I looked at each other again. 

“I mean, maybe she’s nice when you get to know her?” Yunho suggested.

I pulled out my phone to check my texts. Still no response.

“Okay,” I slipped my phone away, “we’ll ask her to join too. I mean, it’s like Mingi said, right? The more the merrier?”

“You’re seriously quoting him now?”

I giggled at Yunho. Wooyoung looked like he was about to smile too but he hid it behind his hand.

The three of us walked out together. Wooyoung was still quiet with us, so much that I worried the chatter between Yunho and I might be bothersome to him. But he didn’t complain. He always left us at the gate to walk home with Sihyun. She had already been waiting when we showed up.

Yunho was hit with a soccer ball to the head. We all turned to see Mingi laughing from a distance. Yunho chased after him before the two returned back to the group with Mingi held in a headlock. We all chatted for a bit. Yunho let Sihyun know about karaoke, though she didn’t look too interested. She said she’d try to make it since we were begging for her to join us.

“Guess it would be fun to see the class rep getting loose though,” she teased me, “I always wondered if you knew how to have fun.”

“Y/N’s plenty fun,” said Yunho.

“Yeah! She plans to sing a love song with me,” claimed Mingi, before he yelped in pain from Yunho’s tightened grip, “I was kidding!”

“Y/N and ‘fun’? I’ll believe it when I see it.”

She walked off. Wooyoung apologized to me before running off after her. I watched the two leave together. It made my chest feel heavy for some odd reason. Mingi finally got out of Yunho’s grasp and stood in front of me.

“Who says we have to wait for karaoke to have fun again?” he pulled out his phone to show an ad, “there’s a new boba place. Let’s go!”

Yunho and I looked at each other and smiled in agreement.

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The day for karaoke seemed like any other. Hongjoong, Jihyo and I walked to school together. Yunho hopped off the bus on his own. Still no sight of Mirae. Wooyoung left Sihyun at the gate and walked over to us to say hi. Mingi showed up to tell Yunho that his dad, Coach Song, wanted the boys soccer team to meet up for news about their new season.

Classes went.

I sat with Jihyo to watch Hongjoong play during lunch.

All was as usual.

I was walking out of the building with Jihyo and Hongjoong when I felt my phone vibrate. I pulled it out to see a text from Yunho.

Hey, Coach Song wants us to meet up for a quick practice but I left my cleats in the storage room. Sorry to ask, but could you grab them for me? – Yunho

No problem! I’ll be quick! – Y/N

“Hey, Unnie, I’ll see you guys at the karaoke room later. I just have to do something quickly,” I told her.

“Okay, but we’re starting without you,” she stuck her tongue out.

I waved at the two of them before running to the gym.

I opened the door to see our large court completely empty. It looked so much bigger when there were no sports clubs playing here. I quickly jogged over to the storage room, seeing it open. I looked for a light but the switch wouldn’t work. Just as I pulled my phone out to turn on the flashlight, I felt a push from behind. I dropped my phone, fell forward and winced as my knees hit the floor. I heard a loud slam before everything went dark. I tried to stand up and feel around me for the door.

“Hello?” I called out.

I carefully moved to find a wall.

“Hello?!” I shouted.

I found the wall. I felt along it until I found the door. I tried to open it but it wouldn’t budge. Panic set in.

“Hello?! Is anyone out there?!”

Phone, where was my phone? I tried to look around for it but I couldn’t see in the dark. I felt my knees giving in, my breath quickening.

I was trapped.

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Author's Note: This is a new series I am writing for (atiny highly voted member) Choi San x F. Reader. Please be patient with me as there may be mistakes in writing or picture specifics. This will be a more angst filled story and I'm not sure which direction I will eventually lead it to. It will be more of a "go with a flow" vibe with phone text and regular text chapters.

“You wouldn’t have me kicked out, would you?” he spoke in a low, teasing tone, “you haven’t seen me in a long time, y/n.”

I scoffed.

“As if I’d care to see you, Wooyoung.”

“Yet you still remember my name,” he chuckled when I rolled my eyes.

“It’s basic manners to remember the name of my best friend’s family member, no matter how much I despise them.”

“I mean, if you don’t care for me, at least worry about your dorm mates who were kind enough to help me in, to see my family.”

I grumbled. I heard him snicker when I moved aside to let him in. He dropped down onto my bed making me throw a fit about boundaries. He just raised his hands, told me to ‘chill’, before changing locations to Naeun’s bed.

“Is she in a class?” he asked.

“No. A date.”

“A date?” he genuinely looked surprised, “she’s seeing someone? Since when?”

“Since today.”

“Wow, and you just let her go?”

“Uh, duh. She’s a grown adult, Wooyoung. She’s allowed to date.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

I knew that but I couldn’t help it. His presence always bothered me. I would just attack at default.

“He’s different,” I told him, “you don’t have to worry about her. He checked out.”

“You know him?” he asked.

“More or less.”

“And you approve?”

“More or less,” I shrugged.

“Well,” he stood up again to step towards me, “if you trust him, I have nothing to worry about.”

He was way too close to me. I didn’t like it. The room was small enough already. It’s like his body heat was turning it into a sauna. I needed air.

“You can wait for her here. I don’t know when she’ll be back,” I told him and grabbed my coat.

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

“You don’t want to spend some time with me?” he teased.

“Never.”

I closed the door behind me and left. It didn’t matter where I walked. His scent seemed to follow. It didn’t matter how cold the air felt. The heat on my face stayed aflame. Jung Wooyoung was the most irritating existence in my life. No matter how much I tried to get away from him, he found his way in. I hated him, and I hated the fact he enjoyed every second of my misery around him.

Liar.

I wasn’t lying.

Mingi took my hand and dragged me to the front of the line. He only smiled at the bouncer and we were both inside the building. He led me upstairs where I saw Hongjoong overlooking the dancers. He was mouthing some words to someone in the crowd. I heard Mingi shout ‘lovesick fool’.

As if that was something to be ashamed of.

That’s when I saw Jongho. He was working near the back, with a group of men, where all the velvety ropes were blocking off entrance to the general public. He was standing tall with his arms crossed over his chest, dressed in black. I left Mingi to make my way towards him.

Everything happened to move in slow motion. I wanted to see him, tell him everything I felt the day I last saw him. Tell him how hurt I was about everything but despite that, I missed him.

So much.

But when his eyes found me, I felt my breath catch in my throat and my feet freeze in place. He looked just as shocked to see me here. His lips moved to say something but it was too late. My body moved on its own, going back the way I came.

Shit.

I didn’t know why I was walking away. I felt a hand grab my wrist.

“Don’t go,” I heard his voice over the music, “please.”

I couldn’t look at him. My eyes were already tearing up.

“Please. Y/N.” 

His grip softened. I slowly turned around to face him. I felt the tears rolling down. Before he could say anything, I wrapped my arms around him. 

“I was really hurt, Jongho!”

He quickly wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I really, really hate how this all happened.”

“I know. I never meant for this.”

“I was so humiliated!”

He held me tighter, burying his face into my neck. I cried as I held onto him.

“I should’ve been honest with you from the second I caught feelings. I should’ve told you everything from the start. I was scared. I was so scared you’d doubt me and leave. So I kept hiding from the truth. It was wrong. It wasn’t fair to you. I’m so sorry,” he slowly pulled away to look at me, “everything I felt was true. I want to make that clear. You can hate me. You can leave if that’s what you really want. I will learn to be okay with that, but I want you to know that I never lied about how I felt. I never played with your feelings. I was honest in my intentions of loving you. I really do love you. Truly, deeply… I fell in love with you, y/n.”

Why did he have to go and say something to make me cry even more? I pulled him towards me to kiss his lips. Though he was gentle, he didn’t hesitate to kiss me back.

“I missed you,” I told him between kisses, “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too.”

“It’s your fault I couldn’t forget you.”

“I’m sorry,” I felt him smile against my lips.

“Jongho…”

“Yes?”

“I love you, too. I really do.”

He kissed me harder this time. His arms wrapped around my waist to pull me deeper into his kiss.

“Don’t ever lie to me again,” I told him, out of breath.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“I love you.”

“I already know that, dummy.”

“Then just say it back.”

I heard him chuckle.

“I love you, dummy.”

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Author's Note: Thank you for reading until the end of this series. I feel the need to apologize again to San fans for his series being shorter in comparison. But I'm glad to see it's still getting love to this day. I will be taking a break from this series for a bit to write something else that's been sitting in my head for the last couple weeks. The special chapter will still be posted though! So look out for a sneak peek at another member's storyline! Thank you again for the love :)

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San x F. Reader - "Strangers"

Hongjoong x F. Reader - "Into You"

Jongho x F. Reader - "In Your Protection"

Seonghwa x F. Reader Coming July 2026

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I stopped walking when I saw Jihyo and Hongjoong standing outside the complex. They were talking about something, laughing. Hongjoong brushed her hair behind her ear. My throat started to tighten again. That’s when my sister saw me and I watched her face stiffen.

“Y/N, you’re home early today.”

She came running over to me.

“Hey, you okay?”

I looked from her to Hongjoong, then to the ground.

“I’m cold,” I spoke quietly and brushed past the two of them.

“Y/N?” I heard him this time. I forced the best smile I could give them right now.

“Sorry, Unnie, Sunbae, I’m kinda freezing.”

I turned on my heel and quickly made my way inside. I ran up to our apartment, struggled with the blurry keypad and ran to our bedroom before flopping onto my bed. It wasn’t long before I heard the keypad ring again and her footsteps getting closer to me.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?”

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I couldn’t get myself to lift my head and speak with her.

“Y/N, Hongjoong was wondering if you would like to get some hotpot with us. The weather sucks but the food will make up for it,” she waited for me to answer, “or… it could be just the two of us?”

“Unnie, I’m fine,” I told her, but the crack in my voice betrayed my words.

I didn’t hear her right away. I heard slow tapping against wood and then a creak.

“I get it. You let me know when you’re ready to talk about it.”

I waited until I heard the door click before curling myself onto my bed and sobbing into my sheets.

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“Your face is all puffy, y/n. Did you not get good sleep last night?” Asked Mirae.

“What is it with girls asking each other rude questions?”

“We’ve been over this before, Yunho. It’s rude if you ask. I’m asking out of concern.”

“I can ask out of concern too,” I heard him mumble.

“I’m fine. I just… stayed up late to study for the exams,” I told them.

“Oh, don’t get me started on those. I’m nowhere near ready for them,” Mirae whined, “could you please write mine for me too, y/n? I’ll wire you the money.”

She managed to crack a smile out of me with that.

“I would if I could.”

“I bet I’d be ready if you tutored me too! Why does Wooyoung get you all to himself?” She pouted.

“I don’t mind, but…” I don’t know if Wooyoung would be comfortable with another person there, but my hesitation made Mirae raise a brow, “I mean, I could ask. I’m sure he’d understand.”

“Yay!” She wrapped her arm around mine, “I can’t wait!”

“Do I get to study with you guys too?” Asked Yunho.

“No! Girls only!” Said Mirae.

“But the new kid isn’t a girl!”

“That’s out of my control.”

“Wow… can you believe this?” Yunho looked over at me and I smiled apologetically.

“Your grades are already fine. I’m the one who needs help. I want my bestie’s attention all on me,” she giggled and pulled me away with her as we headed into class.

“Looks like your trio will just be a duo today,” said Yunho.

We looked into the classroom and saw Wooyoung’s desk empty. I felt my heart sink at the sight.

“Maybe he’s running late?” wondered Mirae.

“Yeah, maybe.”

But Wooyoung never showed. Surprisingly, neither did Sihyun. Mirae seemed to notice as well. She made a comment, assuming the two must’ve gotten into a scrap ‘knowing Sihyun’s history and all’. But I couldn’t tell her that I was probably the reason he wasn’t here.

Mirae still accompanied me during lunch to study for exams. She was more of a challenge than Wooyoung was. He always tried his best to focus on the questionnaires and class notes, but Mirae would get frustrated with each one and give up for a snack break. Normally I would laugh it off, but my patience was starting to trickle. I know she wasn’t doing this on purpose but—

“Are these seats taken?”

I heard a loud voice. Mirae and I both looked up from our books to see the two boys standing at our table.

“Mingi, if you want to study in the library, you need to learn to be quiet,” warned Yunho.

“Ah, sorry, can’t help but make myself known. It’s not always a curse. Libraries just aren’t made for my volume,” he spoke with his hands at his hips.

“Yunho,” Mirae giggled, “you’ve never introduced us to this friend.”

“That’s because he’s not my friend.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” said Mingi, then he looked over to me and winked, “hey, y/n.”

“Hi, Mingi.”

“Yunho told me you’re helping your friends study for the exams?” He smiled and leaned over to place his hands on the table, “that’s quite generous of you, especially considering I’m in need of a tutor myself.”

“I’m sorry, y/n, but it slipped,” said Yunho, “I didn’t think he’d march his way over here.”

“Ah, I don’t mind helping, but…” I looked over to Mirae, but her attention was all on them. She had a huge smile plastered on her face.

“It’s okay, y/n! Let him sit with us!” She moved her stuff from the table to make room.

“I thought this was a ‘girls only affair’?” asked Yunho.

“That was before you introduced your cute friend,” said Mirae.

“See, Yunho? I told you the girls wouldn’t mind,” he winked at Mirae this time and she giggled.

Yunho scoffed. Mirae stuck her tongue out. Mingi smiled big and took a seat right next to me. I looked over at Yunho, who seemed to want to protest this arrangement but then he gave up. He took a seat next to Mirae and opened up his textbook.

All clubs were on hold right now, as well as any sports teams. With midterms coming up, the library and classrooms were starting to fill up during lunch. Mingi complained whenever Yunho tried to help him with a question, but he seemed to brighten up when I took a turn. He was easier to tutor than Mirae was, and considering Yunho had more patience than I did right now, we swapped friends.

The lunch hour was quick to end. We gathered our belongings. Yunho helped me pack up, something Mingi had to comment on. He found it cute but vomit inducing. Mirae giggled at that and made a comment about how everyone always assumes Yunho and I are together because of behaviours like this.

“Wait, they’re not dating?” he asked.

“No. I thought so too, but they’re just really good friends,” said Mirae.

“Oh,” Mingi looked over to me in a way that made my heart beat pick up, “good to know.”

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Wooyoung didn’t show up again the following day. I couldn’t help but feel this sense of disappointment. I felt like we left on a bad note that day on the roof, and I was hoping to clear that up. Jihyo had also tried to speak with me the night before, and during our walk to school, but I kept avoiding the subject altogether. She didn’t push it but I could tell her patience wasn’t going to last much longer.

At lunch, the four of us were studying in the library again. This time, Mingi seemed to really focus on his lessons, and I noticed his compliments in my teaching had risen. He couldn’t help but praise my ‘patience’ in dealing with a ‘lost cause’ like him. He even asked if I could tutor him more at his place. Before I could answer, he suddenly yelped and looked over to Yunho. Mingi scowled but Yunho only blinked innocently and shrugged, resuming his notes with Mirae. Mirae had an odd look on her face. Her smile didn’t reach her eyes. She went back to her book and I watched Mingi bend down a bit to rub his leg.

“You know, you both say you’re not dating but my man really stresses over you,” said Mingi.

Yunho and Mirae had already packed up and started walking ahead of us. Mingi decided to wait for me as I packed my bag.

“Yunho’s just a kind person. He’s always been like that,” I told him while I slipped my backpack on.

“He is, but I mean it.”

He placed his hands on my notebook before I could pick it up. I looked at Mingi and was surprised to see his face look so serious.

“I know it’s not my place, but… if there’s something going on in your head, tell him.”

I looked from Mingi to Yunho, who was waiting by a bookshelf and watching the two of us. He seemed to mouth something towards Mingi, who only smiled and waved back.

“If you think you’re protecting him by keeping quiet, you’re not.”

He stepped back and I picked up my book. I held it close to my chest as we walked back to Yunho and Mirae.

“What were you two talking about?” asked Mirae.

“I was asking for y/n’s number,” said Mingi, getting all three of us flustered, “but I’m not close enough for that yet, right?”

“Mingi, I swear you’re just asking for a fight,” Yunho grabbed Mingi by his shirt collar.

“You bet I am,” Mingi laughed and grabbed Yunho’s, “all this studying got me ready to release some pumped up energy.”

The two laughed behind false expressions while I tried to cool down my burning cheeks. I looked to Mirae who looked so confused.

“They’re like this a lot,” I told her. She gave a nod and walked out with me. The boys caught up after being kicked out by the librarian.

I thought a lot about what Mingi said to me for the rest of the day. I couldn’t help but look at Yunho's desk every now and then. I knew he cared about me. He had always been like that. Had I really been causing him stress by not sharing? I looked at Mirae. What about her? Had she been worried as well?

Then I looked at Wooyoung’s empty desk. I wondered how he felt this whole time?

“We are not friends.”

He made that much clear.

I kept thinking about it when I made my way home. I kept thinking maybe I should say something, be brave and tell my sister that I knew everything that was happening. I knew about our parents. I knew about Hongjoong and her. Tell her how I was upset, because I felt… betrayed.

I felt hurt by the people closest to me.

The sun was already starting to set when I reached my neighbourhood. I looked up from my feet to see a familiar backpack.

“Unnie…” I whispered.

Since when had she been walking ahead of me? I hadn’t noticed. Hongjoong wasn’t with her either. I kept my eye on her as I walked behind her quietly, at a distance. Watching her back, she looked so different to me all of a sudden. Maybe I only just noticed, but…

She looked so sad.

My sister was the strong one, the outspoken one, the one who came running for me whenever I needed her. I felt an ache in my chest again, but for another reason.

“If you knew something bad, so bad that it would hurt me… …would you tell me?”

Jihyo…

“I can’t do this.”

How could I be so selfish? To my own sister?

“It’s suffocating.”

I let her suffer in silence, only thinking of my own pain. What kind of sister was I?

I kept walking towards her, even as she stopped where she was. As if she knew I was there, she turned around slowly to face me.

“Y/N?”

Why was she always concerned for me? What have I done to deserve her? What have I done to deserve the kind of people who show me such love, when all I do is worry them? I watched her eyes widen and she quickly moved to wrap her arms around me.

“Why are you crying? Who hurt my baby sister? Who do I need to fight?”

“Unnie…”

“Tell me everything, y/n. Your Unnie will protect you.”

I didn’t doubt that. How could I ever doubt how much my sister cared for me? Which is why she couldn’t tell me about our parents, or about Hongjoong.

“I’m sorry, Unnie.”

“What? What are you apologizing for?”

“I know, Unnie…”

I felt her hands fall down my arms.

“What are you talking about?”

“I know everything, Unnie,” I told her as I looked into her eyes, “I wish you would’ve told me sooner–”

I felt a fierce embrace. I heard a whimpering sound as she held me. I felt her body trembling as she spoke. She wouldn’t stop apologizing to me.

“I didn’t want you to get hurt. I know I should’ve told you, but mom begged me to stay quiet about everything when I confronted her. I was so angry, but I was scared. I hate him, y/n, I really do! And I hate mom for turning a blind eye, but more than anything… I was scared you would hate me for telling you the truth.”

“Why would I hate you, Unnie?”

“Because ever since I found out about dad’s affair, I haven’t been able to look at our family the same. I keep thinking we’re all a lie. I resent dad. I resent mom. And…

She pulled away from me, keeping her head low. She looked so small, like a child guilty of being caught.

“I felt myself resenting you too. It was wrong of me. I wanted you there with me. I wanted you to know everything because it sucked that you got to live in peace. But any time I would consider telling you the truth, I just couldn’t. I wanted you to figure it out on your own, but I also didn’t. I didn’t want your whole world to shatter like mine did.”

Of course she didn’t. This was the same Jihyo that protected me from neighbourhood bullies growing up. The same Jihyo that cheered for my accomplishments, even when mom and dad couldn’t show up. The same Jihyo who made sure I was included whenever she and Hongjoong wanted to go out to play.

She always thought of me and it was wrong of me to doubt her love.

“I’m sorry you had to suffer on your own, Unnie. I should’ve been a better sister to you.”

“Don’t say that.”

“No, it’s true. I could’ve shared the weight of all this if I knew. But you carried it alone to protect me. It’s okay. You don’t have to do that anymore.”

She lifted her head just enough to meet my eyes.

“I… wasn’t always alone… though.”

I watched her hesitate to tell me what else I already knew. I was going to have to face this part too.

“Hongjoong…” I said it for her, “I know about that too.”

“You do?”

“I might have… heard something about that.”

“Oh… I wanted to tell you about that too, just…”

She was scared for a different reason, I knew that.

“How long have you two been dating?”

“Since White Day.”

“White Day?”

“Well, we gave him chocolates for Valentines like we always do and he always gave us chocolates in return on White Day, but…”

“He confessed to you?”

I watched her nod and I felt a bitter smile on my lips.

“I wasn’t even sure about dating him in the beginning either since I have plans to leave after high school, but then… he convinced me to give him a shot and I… I guess I realized I do like him…”

“A lot.”

“I wanted to tell you, I swear, but I wasn’t sure where it was going. I wasn’t sure if it was anything that would last. But then, after Hongjoong and I made it official, I felt ready to share it with you. You were the first person I wanted to tell. I really wanted to tell you, I did.”

“But…?”

“I… saw how you looked at him. When we ran into him at the mall, you were trying on that dress and he complimented how grown you looked… I saw the way you blushed. The way you smiled. The way you looked at him. You…”

She couldn’t ask me, but she knew. The look I gave her confirmed her thoughts as well.

“I tried to break up with him after. I was worried it would hurt us if I stayed with him, besides it wasn’t like we had been dating that long…”

“But, you love him… don’t you?”

She didn’t answer. Even now, she was scared to tell me. It made me feel ashamed.

“Unnie, I… are you happy with him?” I asked and she lowered her head again before giving me a small nod. I stepped closer to take her hands in mine. I smiled at her. Both our cheeks were wet with tears. She didn’t look like my older sister right now. She just looked like Jihyo.

Jihyo. Scared, unsure, messy Jihyo.

“It’s okay, Unnie. I support you. I will always support you, as you have done for me. Don’t hold back from loving anybody, for anybody. I’m sorry for making you feel like you had to hide.”

“Y/N…”

“You had Hongjoong to help you through the pain. I’m grateful for that, but I guess that’s what I’m also most envious of. You had him… not me.”

“Hey, don’t say that. It was easier to have him to lean on, yeah… but you’re my sister. More than anyone, I wanted you there with me the most,” she smiled through her tears, “No guy–no person–could replace you. You get that?”

“Yeah. Do… you feel any better, now that I know?”

She thought about it for a second.

“Yeah. I mean… I thought maybe I’d have to take it with me to post grad but…” she chuckled and wiped her face, “I feel lighter. What about you?”

“I… think I do too.”

I didn’t feel a hundred percent, but I had a feeling in me that things would be fine.

“Noona? Y/N?”

We both looked behind to see Hongjoong walking over. We quickly checked the other to make sure we didn’t appear too cried out.

“You two heading in?” he asked.

“No, actually, I was going to take y/n for some hotpot,” she linked her arm with mine and smiled, “I promised her a sister's only dinner.”

I looked from my sister to Hongjoong. He must have felt really bad about having to hide everything too. He loves my sister enough to keep it a secret if that's what it meant to stay with her. I was glad she had someone kind and loving like him, even if that meant I’d lose out. I felt okay in this moment.

“Yeah, a sister’s night out,” I told Hongjoong and gave him a big smile, “No boyfriends allowed.”

I watched his mouth slightly part as he looked to Jihyo with wide eyes. His cheeks turned pink and I heard my sister laugh out loud. We looked at each other again.

“Right! No boyfriends allowed,” she told me. We waved goodbye to a stunned Hongjoong.

My sister and I spent the whole night together. We ate, talked about our parents, cried some more and even went to a karaoke room together. The pain was still there but it was definitely better to share it with someone I loved.

I met with Yunho the next time we were at school. I waited for him to get off his bus. I was hoping to get Mirae at the same time but he said he didn’t run into her that morning.

“What’s up?” he asked when I pulled him to a more secluded area.

“Yunho, I realized I had you worried about me for a while now, and I’m really sorry about that. The truth is… I was nervous about sharing what I was going through because I didn’t want to burden you with my feelings.”

“Y/N, you should know we’ve been friends for years now. I would never feel burdened by your pain.”

“I know–I mean, I should’ve known better… I know you care a lot for me, Yunho. I should’ve come to you sooner. I just… didn’t know how…”

He waited for me to continue. I told him about my parents, about how I was trying to process the news of my dad’s affair. I told him how I found out, and how it involved learning about my sister and the boy I loved. How I felt so lost but that I spoke with her about it. It was hard, but I found it easier to tell Yunho now. He didn’t say anything until I was done sharing. I felt him wrap his arms around me, pulling me close.

“Thank you,” he said softly, “now I know.”

He pulled away and smiled at me. Yunho could get emotional sometimes, though he hated to show it. He cleared his throat and I could tell he was getting ready to say something to lighten the mood.

“I thought maybe Mingi was bothering you too much. Maybe it made you reconsider our friendship. Not that that’s worse than all this,” he scratched the back of his head, “but now I know what’s up. So, if you ever need me, I promise I’m here. I can always run over to keep you company.”

“Thanks, Yunho. I know you will,” though I knew he still had his own life with his family and soccer, which reminded me, “I don’t think Mingi is as bad of a friend as you like to think he is.”

“Oh, no… has he brainwashed you?”

I laughed.

“No… I mean, he was the one to tell me I should speak with you. If not for Mingi, I don’t think I would’ve been pushed to get this mess sorted out.”

“Really?” He looked surprised. I nodded.

The only person I had left to talk to was him. As Yunho and I walked through the main gates, there he was again. Standing on his own by the front entrance. The wind blew through his hair as he walked over to us. I froze in place. Everything around me began to slow down. I felt Yunho’s presence close to me but even then, I was nervous of what he was going to say. The boy who said we weren’t friends.

“I wasn’t lying–”

“Really? You were being paid to see me, Jongho!”

I ran my fingers through my hair as I paced. My heart was racing fast. I felt a chill run through my body. How fucking humiliating!

“No! I wasn’t–”

“You just said you were! Is that not what happened? You were paid by my cousin to watch over me. Is that not true?”

I watched him hesitate to answer. I stepped away from him but felt his hands on my arms.

“Yes… but not always.”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Y/N, please. I didn’t do this for the money.”

“Jongho, let go of me.”

The words were struggling to get out of my throat.

“Y/N, please. Let’s go somewhere private.”

“Let me go…” I begged him.

“I promise, I wasn’t lying about us–”

“No…”

He kept begging me to listen but how could I trust him? I just found out this entire relationship was a lie. Every encounter we had was a lie. From the moment I first laid eyes on him, it was all a carefully planned hoax.

“Y/N…”

I couldn’t believe this.

“Go away.”

“Please don’t do this.”

“Leave.”

“Y/N–”

“I said leave!”

Birds flew from the loud sound of my voice. Jongho and I stood still. Realization seemed to hit him then.

This was over.

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I could hear the two arguing outside our dorm.

“Yejin, stop being a pain in the ass and let me in.”

“She’s not interested in seeing you, Wooyoung. Correction, I’m not interested in letting you see her.”

“Yejin, I swear, it took a lot of convincing some lovely girls to sneak myself in. If I get kicked out because of y/n’s dumbass friend–”

“A ‘dumbass’ friend that’s way better than you. That was a shit thing for you to do to your own cousin, you dick.”

“Yejin… let him in,” I told her.

She looked back at me in disbelief but moved aside when I told her I was alright. Wooyoung stepped in with a triumphant look on his face. Yejin then left to give us some privacy. He looked around the room before sitting down, across from me, on Yejin’s bed.

“So… I guess… you found out?” he asked without looking at me.

“About you paying a guy to like me? Yeah.”

“I never–” he took a breath before continuing, “look… I haven’t forgotten what you went through with that freak who stalked you. I know it’s why you can’t go out or even meet new people without panicking that he’s found you again.”

“That’s not true.”

“You’re lying.”

I was and he knew it.

“You… are the closest family I have. I wanted to make sure you felt safe leaving home for the first time.”

“Why couldn’t you just tell me you hired some guy?” I asked.

“I guess I should’ve. I just… I don’t know. I didn’t want you to feel like you were being tailed. I didn’t want you to think you couldn’t have a normal life. I was going to let him go once I knew you were good, but then you told me you were seeing someone–”

“The same guy you hired.”

“Yeah, but I never asked him to get that close to you,” he argued, but sank back when he finally saw my disappointed face, “he wasn’t supposed to know you personally. Everything was supposed to be secret so you’d feel more comfortable. You know it took you a lot of convincing to even get into this school. I didn’t want you to have one bad experience and drop everything. I just… wanted you to finally be happy.”

I dropped my face into my hands and let out a deep sigh.

“You were happy, weren’t you?” Wooyoung asked, “I saw how at peace you were when you spoke about him. The way you smiled and laughed about how he treats you. You really like him, don’t you?”

“Does it matter?” It was all a lie.

“It does.”

“Wooyoung.”

“I never asked him to date you. I never asked him to play with your heart,” he told me, “he called me in distress, y/n, talking about wanting to end his contract and coming clean because he didn’t want to lose you. He could give up this job, but he didn’t want to give up you.”

“Well… I guess it’s too late for that now. We ended things.”

“And you’re happy with that decision?”

Wooyoung looked at me with no hint of humour. He wanted me to seriously consider everything. I was hurt. I had the right to be hurt. But…

“Are you truly okay with this?” Asked Wooyoung.

“No… I’m not.”

I missed him.

I missed Choi Jongho.

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