the silent giver of worlds

Although I’m not entirely certain as to the origin of the feeling seeing as I haven’t read any thoughts substaniating the building suspicion, I can’t help but feel as though I’m being mocked on a massive scale...

I have finally returned home to our beloved safe haven of Forks from my birthday weekend. We celebrated my “Nasty One Hundred and Nineteen″ as Emmett referred to it as. Returning home, I am once again reminded of how beautiful and spectacular the familiar rainy, viridescent small town is, though its beauty is unquestionably owed to a change of perspective thanks to a far more immensely beautiful and exquisite creature by the name Isabella Marie Cullen. It’s amazing how love can so drastically alter you. An unremarkable cluster of trees under a constant cover of clouds can one day be the dreary backdrop to a life of tedium, and the next day, it becomes the stunning setting of a love story, a place of solace. The place where an unassuming human girl changes your life forever. Although I would willingly follow Bella anywhere, I will always reserve a soft place in my frozen heart, an appreciation and gratitude, for the town that brought me my Bella.

Anyhow, my birthday was surprisingly wonderful. I find myself to be a different man having Bella in my life, and therefore, far more open and tolerant of the extravagant absurdity of Alice and Emmett’s birthday plans. It takes a great deal of effort to hide thoughts from me, but with Bella’s power having grown stronger, my siblings managed to keep their ideas entirely secretive. In the intimacy of our small cottage in the woods, Bella spontaneously requested I be blindfolded, and of course, I’m helpless to denying her anything she wishes, so I obliged. As soon as my vision was obscured, I heard the footfall of my siblings racing through the forest towards us. I found myself subject to an abduction that placed me on a plane to Las Vegas within the hour. Carlisle and Esme stayed behind for the hospital, though some of their thoughts made me suspicious that they were eager to have the house to themselves after some of the recent chaos Emmett and Bella’s shenanigans have wreaked in our lives.

In Vegas, we hunted local wildlife, and once the sun was absent in nightfall, the strip was ours. We raced cars on the SpeedVegas racetrack, vandalized the Trump Tower, took a helicopter ride over the city (Alice flew the helicopter), and watched as Bella and Emmett dove off the top of the High Roller. It was truly a sight to see as sharks avoided Emmett in the tunnel of the Shark Reef Aquarium. My brother managed to break into the tank and swim amongst the sea creatures. He is now banned for life. Thanks to Alice’s abilities, we had a very successful time gambling and donated our earnings to charity.

My favorite activity of the weekend was the back to back wedding ceremonies held at one of the notorious, tacky chapels. Rosalie and Emmett remarried first, followed by Alice and Jasper clad in feather boas and cowboy hats, and finally, Bella and I had the wedding ceremony she’d originally wanted with the exception of one minor detail – rather than sweatpants, she wore jeans. Emmett even replaced the officiant.

Overall, I couldn’t have wished for a better birthday, nor could I ever wish for a better family. I am thankful for another year with people I love so dearly.

Sincerely,

Today, my thoughts are something macabre. I find myself thinking much about death and its implications. I do not wish to glamorize death, nor minimize its effect on others, but rather to recognize that effect. I’ve read in the minds of my family at times the wish for some release. The thought is never intended to be gruesome. It is only that after decades of time, sometimes in this non-life of ours, we simply long to turn off our minds for a moment — an impossibility in this never-ending, never sleeping state. Though, of course, everyone is grateful for the endless time we have been gifted to spend with our loved ones. I find myself humbled with gratitude for this too now that I have my Bella by my side. Is that not some form of Heaven — to love another person and be loved in return? I had once viewed this life as a curse, as a form of purgatory. How amusing it is to me now that I can truly appreciate and thank Carlisle, seeing how he had not only saved me, but blessed me as well. We have all been given a taste of Heaven by having love in our lives. Vampires and humans alike. I feel immensely lucky that I will never have to say goodbye nor feel the sting of loss again. Even if it means that Emmett will devote entire years to singing the Spice Girls’ music in his head to amuse himself by aggravating me. It is not that I don’t care for the Spice Girls, it is that one can only hear Wannabe so many times. Is it too much to ask that he switches things up and sings Say You’ll Be There more often instead?

Sincerely,

I am here to reminisce on an older entry from 2006:

“Last night, my Bella did something I found entirely endearing. I’m certain that if she was of knowledge of this journal, she’d be beside herself in mortification. I suspect that wonderful flush of pink would swell beneath her beautiful cheekbones – tempting me in many excruciating ways, in lust and in thirst — in reading this. Thankfully, she currently has no awareness of my written thoughts, and therefore, has no need to feel embarrassed for her delightfully human moment. Whilst fast asleep, dreaming – it fills me with indescribable pleasure to hear my own name amongst the soft pink pillows of her lips – her breathing was briefly interrupted by a sneeze, and the pressure in expelling the substances irritating her fragile system made her release a tiny puff of gas. It was such a sweet, high pitched note of sound, and I nearly laughed aloud. I adored it as I adore any reminder of her charming humanity. It is so precious and fundamentally important to me. My frozen heart entirely belongs to hers. I am smitten. Anyhow, I have contacted Carlisle, and he is arranging to provide every medicinal preventative measure to cure Bella of any oncoming sickness that may be attempting to plague her. I will not have the love of my existence feeling unwell for any period of time.”

Another Mother’s Day has arrived, therefore I am once again aware of two things. One, though I have been orphaned for over a century, I am forever indebted & in admiration of my earthly mother Elizabeth Masen for the love and values she instilled in me in our short time together. I sincerely hope and almost whole-heartedly believe that she must reside in heaven. I of course would be in complete certainty of the fact based on her own merit, but the cynic in me reserves the smallest percentile of doubt that Carlisle and I are wrong about an afterlife. However, today should be a mostly joyous day though complicatedly so, so I will reserve that stream of consciousness for another entry on another day. The second important awareness of mine is that I am incredibly blessed to have my adopted mother of Esme. She has been nothing but a light in all of our lives. I always find myself on this day mourning in sympathy for her loss, even if it may have been many, many decades ago. I am surrounded by the strongest women I’ve ever known. Rosalie, Alice, my Bella, and Esme. I hope that I am able to honor them every day, but especially that I can honor Esme today. Rosalie and I had established a temporary truce to orchestrate a grandiose display of flowers in our home as a surprise for our mother with the aide of our other family members — it was very lovely and made Esme cry in the tearless way that we do. However, soon after seeing Esme touched by the newfound forest and garden within our home, I returned to my room to grab another gift I had created for her — a recording of some of my newer compositions — and was shocked to find that my CD collection had been replaced entirely with Nickelback’s discography. I now own multiple, numerous copies of every release. I preferred the destruction. I am miserable and must find a way to put a stop to Rosalie’s revengeful antics. I have suspicions that Emmett was also involved, but all of my siblings are exercising caution in their thoughts around me. Soon enough, one of my siblings’ resolve will slip and reveal who else is to blame aside from Rose.