like we'll never have ...

⋆ george  mackay  ,  bisexual  ,  male  +  he  /  him  ―  hey  look  ,  it’s  edward  cunningham  !  he's  twenty-five  years  old ,  he's  lived  in  shrike  heights  for  fifteen  years  ,  on  and  off  ,  and  he's  currently  working  at  the  black  cat . i  heard  he's  pretty  unsure  ,  but  i  think  he's  so  considerate  at  the  same  time . can  he  make  it  out  alive  ?

triggers  include  illness  ,  parental  death  .

juliet nods and she smiles. “yeah, i can’t say that i’ve ever known anyone else to have a relationship like theirs,” she thinks about it for a moment after speaking, and still comes up short. she can think of multiple sets of parents who have been together since high school - even her own parents - but even in the case of them, their love seems full of more flaws than it is filled with true affection or friendship. “it’s really something special,” she concludes with a shrug of her shoulders. maybe one day she’ll have a special love of her own - few outside of her best friend know that she already has a certain person in mind - but for the meantime time, she has to just be happy for her brother. “i guess he’s gotta be good for something,” she comments on edward’s father, not meaning to sound so genuinely mean, and getting it right more than she knows. 

juliet doesn’t expect edward to know the right things to say, because juliet herself doesn’t either. even while she’s the one telling edward of all the news he missed while away, she finds that the facts come out alright, but not much else. “yeah. that’s noble,” she nods. “and i think that’s all we can do right now, try our best to help while we can,” juliet doesn’t want to say that she believes that everyone will get their turn in meeting the killers, and potentially death, but it’s hard to think otherwise when no end to the attacks seems to be in sight. “no one will expect you to know everything, though,” she tells him. “so while i totally get wanting to know everything - for many reasons - don’t feel like you can’t take your time in catching up. because it’s brutal, too. so be careful, ed.” 

edward smiles. clearly things in shrike haven’t been going to well, for a lot of people that he knows and cares about, too, unfortunately, but it’s extremely nice to hear of something so nice. shrike heights is home for edward; he wasn’t born here, he’s spent quite a while outside of it - and considers elsewhere to be home, too - but it is a big part of him. there are many things that edward doesn’t like about the town, and a lot of people that he naturally doesn’t get along with, people who he doesn’t like, even, but there is still so much in this town that he loves. there are so many people who edward wishes well, and to hear of donnie and finn being happily together - even though they’re in no way close friends - it’s nice. “i’m really happy for them,” he tells her.

“The Black Cat?” Ian questioned out loud trying to contain his disbelief in Edward’s choice of employment. “That place definitely is different,” Ian agreed. He’d been in a few times to pick up incense and hadn’t run into Edward there but it definitely didn’t match Edward’s vibe. Ian and Edward hadn’t been the closest but there was nothing about the other man that screamed “occult” affiliated at all. He must’ve really wanted to stay far away from his father’s business with a job like that. Not that Ian could blame him. Having no parents of his own he could understand not wanting anything to do with them. “I don’t think I’d ever do that,” Ian insisted with a bit of a chuckle. “I’m pretty good at biting my tongue around people who try to boast.” Ian wasn’t one to judge anyone’s cooking or anything anyone did for that matter. It was rare for Ian to care that much to point out a flaw in something. 

Ian nodded his head. He found it interesting that someone so worldly in Ian’s mind still wound up in Shrike Heights at all. London was one of the biggest metropolitan areas in the world after all and it made Ian feel even more small town minded just talking to Edward briefly about the city. Ian of course had more questions about it but he’d keep them to himself. He was sure that Edward didn’t want to answer twenty questions about the place they’d just left to return to Shrike. Ian quickly checked his watch not that knowing the time would affect any of his plans to meet up with Bo but it did tell him just how long he’d been standing there with Edward. “I’ll be sure to tell him, I’m sure he’s going to be bummed that he missed out,” Ian insisted as he began to part ways with Edward. “It was great seeing you around again, Welcome back,” Ian said finally in parting as he began to jog off in the direction Bo had been heading. He wouldn’t be jogging for long but he hoped to make up some of the distance he’d missed out on stopping to chat. 

edward laughs at the way ian questions his place of work; it’s to be expected, it’s a store outside of edward’s typical aesthetic and scene, but that’s exactly why he’s found himself a job there. “i know, yeah, totally,” he nods. “but it’s actually really great there, i mean, it’s still work, but it’s really interesting, everything we sell there, and the people i work with are really lovely - most of them, at least,” he explains. he doesn’t want ian to get the wrong idea - it’s still a retail job - but he has settled into his role at the black cat with pleasure, and he’s happy to share that with his friend. “yeah,” edward doesn’t see ian as the type of person who would run his mouth, not even to those who boast, and not even when he easily could. “but if you ever wanted to,” he suggests, only half seriously, laughing one more time. 

edward didn't exactly miss shrike heights when he was gone, because he felt like he needed to leave, he was content with no longer being there, and he felt like he had pretty much exhausted everything shrike heights had to offer him - especially as he left it before the mall and all of the new changes and new people were a part of the town.

with how unpredictable life has proven to be over the past few years, edward honestly doesn't see a future so far ahead of himself. this isn't because he believes he won't be around in five years, that there won't be a future for him in five years, it's only because he's learnt that you can never really know what will happen in the future - near or far. there is a high chance, after all, that edward actually won't be around in five years, considering the killers have been doing a terribly efficient job with preventing the residents of shrike heights from continuing their lives as planned and desired.

“Oh, I get it,” Ian chuckled a little learning that Edward had made the rounds like that around the food court. He hoped that his effort had paid off and he’d been able to score some good deals with a side of extra leg work. “Where are you working now? Did you get a job at the mall?” Ian asked. It seemed like that was the only facility in town that was hiring anyone so he wagered to bet that he had but it was still nice to ask instead of assume. “I don’t know any of ‘em. I’m probably the best cook out of the people I know,” Ian admitted. His partner sure wasn’t a chef and even though Ian had more skills than most in the kitchen he didn’t consider himself to be a chef either. 

“Yeah, who would’ve thought. That’s impressive though that Shrike was able to make you feel like you were in London. Maybe London’s more chill than I thought it was,” Ian stated. Since Ian actually knew what London was he assumed it to be some big bustling city that Shrike paled in comparison to but if a jet legged brit was able to mistake the two maybe Shrike really had grown up in a way he hadn’t realized had happened. Outside of work Ian really didn’t spend much time wandering around the CBD. Ian checked his watch as if there was a time he should be expecting Bo to venture back from his run. “Yeah I should probably keep venturing down the trail. Bo usually meets up with me further down the path,” he admitted. While Bo would have no problem jogging back to him where he was he didn’t want him to worry he’d disappeared on him. “It was great seeing you though and welcome back to town. I’ll be sure to let Bo know I ran into you,” Ian said knowing Bo would love to hear that another person they knew had made it back to Shrike in one piece. 

“yeah, i did actually,” he nods, feeling surprisingly glad that ian doesn’t assume that he went back to work for his father. “i’m working at the black cat, which i know is absolutely not the kind of store you’d think about when trying to place me somewhere in the mall, but that’s where i am,” he chuckles. “i wanted something different, something... well different sums it up alright, i suppose. something unlike working for my father, though,” and preferably in a store that his father and all of those in the high society in shrike heights wouldn’t frequent, was more of edward’s reasoning for going straight to the black cat with his resume upon returning. “probably for the best, then,” he chuckles again, wrongfully assuming that ian still works at late riser. “i’d hate to see you have to embarrass some phony cook by telling them a thing or two.”

               kit feels it too. it’s so hard to see edward again, and to hear of everything he’s missed out on in his life throughout the time they were apart. it’s hard and it’s weird. despite feeling confidently that the romantic feelings he once had for edward have now passed, he still feels the strongest urge to comfort him, and to help him. they were so close once, after all, and nobody can forget such a special bond. “it would have been nice,” he hesitates, “and even if it’s not okay,” he continues in a soft and timid voice, almost sounding afraid to continue on with saying what he’s about to. “it will be.” he nods his head, sure but gentle. it’s a simple affirmation, but after everything that’s happened in the past couple of years, one that kit has had no other choice but to keep on telling himself. he hopes that edward can at least keep it in mind, as he has done himself.

               as much as he hates to hear of edward’s struggles, he hates speaking of his own. actually, despite how terrible he feels to know of what edward has faced, kit still hates nothing more than having to even think of the trouble he’s gone through with his parents. he swallows thickly, not meeting edward’s eye. “i’m okay,” he tells him. “not all of the time, but when i’m not, i have to remind myself that i will be.” he shrugs. part of him wants to mention the attack, the extent of why he doesn’t feel okay all of the time, but it’s hard to even think about that, too, and it doesn’t feel right, doesn’t feel natural. he shifts his weight from one foot to the other awkwardly, unsure of where to go from here. “but i have a nice apartment, not far from here, and i actually don’t mind working here, you know, it’s pretty laid back.” he doesn’t only say this for the sake of letting edward know, he says this as it’s a good reminder of all that he still has. “have you moved back in with your father?”

he can hear the reservation in kit’s voice, the timidness, what edward assumes to  be is worry over saying anything, but more clearly than that, edward can hear kit’s words, and the care that he wishes to express even after they’ve gone through so many changes both together and separately. it means a lot to edward, to hear that kit still cares to, well, care. with how things were left between them, edward hadn’t known what to expect, honestly, and it’s nice to hear reassurance. “thanks, kit. i appreciate you saying that, yeah.” he especially appreciates it as edward isn’t so sure that things really are okay, at least, not all of the time. kit can still read him well, even after all of this time, it seems. it’s bittersweet, but at the same time, comforting right now. edward doesn’t feel like he has anyone else in shrike heights who truly knows him, and cares for him. 

               the bad feeling that hedwig had had immediately as their interaction began came back to him swiftly as he listened to edward tell him more about his family ; the awful feeling hadn’t strayed far , as hedwig was always made to feel completely terrible when the subject of family came up , but it was back in full force as things just didn’t feel … right . it wasn’t that he necessarily thought that edward must be a relative , because as they had established , that would have been one of the craziest coincidences - particularly as hedwig found himself in shrike after actively running away from his family ; to end up in a place with other family was statistically improbable at best . still , hedwig couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going on , something that he definitely didn’t like . he cleared his throat , trying his best to appear nonchalant , but unsure as to whether or not he was succeeding . “ sorry to hear about all of that . ” he shook his head , hands growing clammy , stomach churning uncomfortably . he couldn’t do this . “ hey , it was really great to meet you properly , but i’ve actually gotta get going now . ” he stood up from his seat , wiping a clammy hand on his trousers before reaching for his guitar case . “ hopefully i’ll see you ‘round , though , ” he offered , though it didn’t come out as sounding very sincere .   

“You sure seem knowledgeable on the subject, you sure you’ve never ate around the food court before?” Ian joked. It did sound like a good way to save a buck or two on a meal piecing it together from various spots but Ian was fortunate enough to be in a place financially he didn’t have to nickel and dime a fast food meal. Back when he was younger and funds were tighter he didn’t even have the options to eat around. There was pretty much taco bell and the local diners to choose from and that was that. “I don’t think anyone would get offended. I’m not sure if there are any actual chefs in Shrike,” he countered. Even their most fancy establishments like Olive Garden were still a chain restaurant and it wasn’t like the cooks at Late Risers where he worked were classically trained. Ian certainly hadn’t been, he’d just walked in and learned how to cook breakfast on the job. 

Ian was glad to hear that someone like Edward who’d been gone from Shrike for a while still could see the old town despite all the changes that had occured. It helped Ian realize that not everything was different even though it felt like it a lot of the time. Even though Ian hadn’t gone anywhere he’d found himself tangled up in the new and also dangerous side of Shrike it was nice to be reminded that there were still parts of Shrike that hadn’t been touched by the unseeable corruption around them and Ian could still visit them with a relative feeling of safety. The bridge they stood on was one of those places that nothing bad had happened at and was a familiar part of town for as long as Ian had been alive. “Yeah, I can only imagine how different everything is. The central business district actually feels like a business district and’s completely changed. Ever since the mall went in construction hasn’t seemed to stop around the place. It’s good to have you back though,” Ian told him.

“hey, i never said that i hadn’t eaten my way around the food court, i only said that i wasn’t a proper mallrat.” he counters with a wide smile. “while i got a job surprisingly fast, i wasn’t so sure i would at first, so the first couple of days at the mall i absolutely went from store to store finding the cheapest deals.” he admits and he chuckles; though he’s come from a well off family, edward’s situation has definitely changed, and he’s not afraid of people knowing that much. it’s probably for the best, actually, that people know that even though he’s back, he’s no longer a puppet of his father’s. that’s not exactly something that someone can casually drop into conversation, however. “i don’t know, i feel like there’d be a few people around who would at least think they’re a real chef, though, and who would take offense.” even if that is the case, though, edward and ian are safe there on the bridge, as no one else has gone by since bo flew by on his run - and unless edward has missed a large chapter in bo’s life, he doesn’t think that bo would take offense to the comment. 

johanna  had  always  tried  her  best  to  put  on  an  act,  to  present  as  a  much  better,  more  functional,  much  happier  person  than  what  she  truly  was. sometimes,  when  she  was  in  the  thick  of  her  act,  surrounded  by  the  people  who  she  wished  so  badly  that  she  was  truly  like,  johanna  even  began  to  believe  her  own  lies. it  felt  great  in  the  moment,  to  feel  better  than  what  she  really  was,  but  with  the  highs  of  that  came  the  terrible,  terrible  lows. it  was  safe  to  say  that  johanna  was  in  quite  the  low  moment  right  now,  feeling  as  if  she  didn’t  even  deserve  edward’s  kindness,  believing  that  she  deserved  no  kindness,  much  like  her  mother  would  have  happily  told  her. it  wasn’t  something  that  was  easy  or  pleasant  to  handle,  but  as  johanna  had  been  made  to  handle  ever  other  awful  thing  in  her  life,  she  simply  tried  her  best  to  keep  going. “i’ve  dealt  with  worse,”  she  tried  to  reassure  him  as  he  tried  to  reassure  her. “i  think  i  do,  i  should,”  johanna  told  him  with  a  nod,  though  she  really  wasn’t  too  sure  what  she  had  back  at  home. they  didn’t  typically  have  much,  and  even  when  johanna  tried  her  best  to  keep  necessities  stocked,  her  mother  had  a  habit  of  ruining  that  for  her. “if  not  i’m  sure  a  neighbour  will,  or  something.”

Ian couldn’t help but laugh at Edward’s tour of the food court. “You know, I’ve never been tempted to eat around the food court. Is that something proper mallrats do?” Ian asked. He was still getting used to the whole culture that surrounded the new mall. With the monstrous acts that befell the establishment it was likely Ian would never assimilate to being a proper mallrat even if he was forced to spend time there. Maybe he was just too old for it anyways. Malls are a lot more fun when you get to roam the halls with money in your pocket and not a care in the world instead of being forced to work and trying to escape before sunset just to be safe. “When I was working at Late Risers that’s kinda all I ate but that place is different. It’s still a sit down restaurant even if it’s connected to the food court. Not much outside food came in there I don’t think but to be far I was always in the back.” Why he no longer worked there didn’t matter and Ian wasn’t going to bring up his attack unless absolutely necessary. 

“Yeah, it definitely feels like we’re living in a whole new Shrike. It almost feels like I moved towns when I head up towards the malls and all the new development,” Ian shook his head. Originally he’d been excited for the mall and the new life it brought to town but after nearly two years of it being the center of so much pain it was hard not seeing the mall as a harbinger of death. “How’s life being back here? It must feel extra different for you. I at least got to watch the changes happen as they happened. Must’ve been weird coming back to all of this.”

“i think it might be something that proper mallrats do - though i could never consider myself as one, so i’m not sure if i actually know,” he laughs, picturing himself as someone who spends his days slumming it at the mall, his father’s worst nightmare. “i see a lot of the younger people who hang out at the mall do their rounds, at least, and i’m pretty sure it’s because they go around finding the cheapest things on each menu until they have enough to fill them up. it’s actually quite smart, you know, and i’m glad there’s more option for the kids who only have loose change to head to the mall with.” despite being born into a reasonably wealthy family, edward wasn’t just given everything he could have ever wanted, so he remembers those days. “mm, you have to be careful with the sit down restaurants in the food court. get a takeout from them first, so you don’t disrespect the actual chefs back in their kitchens by wagging your mcdonald’s bags around their place.” he laughs again, and he finds enough amusement in his food court shenanigans that he doesn’t think to ask about why ian no longer works in the kitchen, not thinking anything about it.

juliet is glad that edward can find the humour in the situation, too, particularly glad that he doesn’t think that she’s laughing at him rather than with him. she doesn’t even blame edward for not knowing, as funny as she might find it due to how obvious the couple are in her mind, and how present they’ve been presenting as a couple in her life for so long now. “it’s alright, i mean, you’re not completely wrong anyway. they started off as just best friends, and even stayed only friends for a while after figuring everything out. so you’re not completely oblivious.” she offers him her reassurance with a shrug followed. “i also think it’s a super admirable thing, to avoid school gossip. i couldn’t help but always be pulled into the thick of it.” which was both good and bad, depending on the time. “yeah, it’s so nice.” juliet feels the jealousy too, especially when it’s her little brother who found real love before she was brave enough to even try. not that she’s not trying, it’s just hard for her, as she hopes it is for most people. she’d rather believe that finn and donnie have dumb luck, rather than there being something wrong with her or something. 

she doesn’t know what she was expecting as a reaction from edward, but as he responds with such clear shock and pain, she feels terribly bad. she definitely wasn’t expecting that. guilt twists around like a snake in her stomach, though she does her best to swallow away the feeling; things could be much worse for her, after all. “don’t beat yourself up over it.” how could edward have known? just like finn and donnie’s relationship, the attacks are extremely personal to their victims. “i don’t think ian’s the person to really… talk about it, anyway.” it’s not that people don’t know that ian faced such an awful experience, juliet just can’t picture ian being the type of person to volunteer a lot of information about it. not even bo was like that after his own attack, and bo was always the most talkative of finn’s friend. “but yeah. god. it’s not been a very easy time around here.” she admits, though she’s sure edward knows this much already.

shrike heights is so full of surprises, and while most of the surprises that edward has been experiencing since coming home have been terrible - or at the very least, too much to take in right now - to learn more about people he’s known for years and years is a surprise that edward considers to be nice. he wouldn’t have thought that there was anything new to still learn about any of these people, truthfully. “that’s admirable. i don’t think i’d ever guess that anyone had such a strong foundation for their relationship in high school.” he laughs, and he thinks of the rumour mill and toxic gossip that juliet admits to getting wrapped up in back in high school, and how it makes for a very unideal environment for things like relationships. “honestly if it weren’t for my father, i probably would have gotten pulled in by it all, too. but you know- had that whole reputation to uphold thing going for me.”

               hedwig nodded his head . “ yeah , exactly . ” he then shrugged . “ i’ve only lived a couple of places too . ” he was terrified , as he always was when family was a topic of conversation - even when others were only speaking of their own families , with no pressure for him to participate in the conversation and speak of his own - but even while he was afraid , hedwig also couldn’t see reason why this would be more than just a coincidence . surely his luck wasn’t that bad , surely life , or the universe , or whatever was in charge of fate , would give him a break for once . hedwig was far from a selfish person , but they were beginning to think that they definitely deserved a break , after everything they’ve been through . 

despite it being so scary , it weirdly felt a little … therapeutic , even , to be talking at least a little bit about his family with edward . it was a case that was usually shut so tight , but with edward’s ear and understanding - and news of his similar experiences - it was kind of nice . kind of . hedwig didn’t foresee themself making it a habit , but they’d take the moment as it came . he couldn’t help but to laugh at the way edward stumbled over his words and had to explain himself , and the laughter was likely the first time hedwig had ever done such a thing when speaking or even thinking about it mother . it was another thing that was kind of nice . “ it’s okay , ” he shook his head as he chuckled , understanding edward meant no harm by his comment . “ that is interesting , though , ” he said , finding a more fitting word than funny . “ did your mum … ? ”

edward can sense the fear that hedwig feels, even without being able to understand it at all. at the same time, however, he can also sense the vulnerability in the other, and it makes him feel very privileged to be audience to it, feeling it as such a big thing. he’s not sure why the other seems to trust him - even though he’s terrified at the same time as he does - but even without understanding it properly at all, edward feels lucky to be in his position. it’s also just nice, to be speaking of such personal things to someone who seems to really understand what it’s all like. it’s not often that edward starts up conversation about his family, and while it’s all happened so surprisingly today, edward likes that it has. hedwig isn’t the only person who finds it strangely therapeutic.