chyoo

when i get to heaven the real gun emoji will be there waiting for me

“Having an affair” is such a funny way to describe cheating. There is marriage and then there is the situation. I had a wife and then an event happened to me.

Nothing more embarrassing than accidentally using a big word wrong because now I'm simultaneously both stupid and pretentious, the worst combination of all time

whenever i order food i get nervous that the doorbell will annoy my roommates so i turn it off temporarily and tell the delivery person to just knock. but then i get nervous i might not hear the knocking so i go sit by the front door a few minutes early to make sure i hear it. but then i get nervous that if i open the door too quickly the delivery driver will think it's weird that i was waiting there so i wait an additional 10-15 seconds before opening it and feign that i just came down the stairs. i am built normal and socially average.

the problem with calling inanimate objects “girl” is that once you start you cannot stop. I said “girl” to the dishwasher because that bitch would not close no matter how hard I whacked her pussy. what is wrong with me

*said with so much love in my heart that it's full to bursting* hey I had a lot of fun last time would you like to hang out again sometime soon? :)

thinking about the character a lot today. call it pondering my blorb

No, tumblr user, I don’t think the hatred of trans women is cemented on the hatred of men. I believe, god forbid, it might be based on the hatred of women.

#it’s NOT inexplicable#it’s bc someone based it on the unicode 6 yellow heart#which is colorless but shaded with halftone dots#and someone interpreted that like stubble#and drew this#which is SO FUCKING FUNNY via @animusbell