Dysphoria Central

I did some vocal recordings with my band today. Nothing fancy, just for promo. And I was doing alright, until we had to listen back to the tracks.

I hate how attuned I am with the female parts of my body. Today has been fairly regular, nothing to suggest anything was wrong. But when I stood up to go to bed just now, I was like 'op yep I bet I've just started my monthly sacrifice, better go check.' Lo and behold ...

Like fr there has been minimal if any indication that this was coming. My cycle is irregular due to medical contraception, and I've not been any moodier or in any more pain like I sometimes get (my hypermobility usually worsens around this time ✌️).

I didn't know that the reason I hated tampons was because I hated the idea of my female parts being penetrated.

I didn't know that the reason why I hated that my tits were visible and moved around so much was because I hated having tits.

I didn't know that the reason why I always felt odd or uncomfortable in anything that wasn't trousers was because I hated the idea of being visually feminine.

I didn't know that the reason why I was never happy or satisfied with how I looked was because I never looked like me.

And maybe every couple of months they send me another, which is the next size up. And maybe they do this a few times, until I have to ask them to stop because it's just too big.

And maybe they ask for proof, telling me they won't stop until they see me struggling to fit it in. And maybe I send a video showing them just how much lube and how long it takes for me to get the most recent one in.

And maybe they laugh at me and call me a whore and pathetic and tell me that it's clearly not big enough if I can still actually fit it in. And maybe they send one that's two sizes bigger next time.

Listen, buddy. You know me as a woman, have done for some time now, and you're not even aware of my transition, because realistically it's none of your business. But I gotta tell ya ...

I always have been, and always will be, a better man than you. I am a better husband to the wife you abused, and I'm not even in a relationship with her. I'm a better dad to your daughter, and she's not even my kid. I don't even have balls, but mine will always be bigger than yours.

So I was out for my workplace's Christmas party last night, and I was walking to catch my bus after when something happened that made me so excited but also a little sad too.

I was dressed to present masc. A Christmas shirt, black chinos, my green Docs. And I was on my way out of the club when I stepped aside to let a group of guys pass on their way in, and one of them said 'Cheers, mate.' And my heart soared.

For context: I live in North Yorkshire, in the UK. Generally, the prominent demographic group is white/middle class/heteronormative. So to have someone address me as 'mate' in place of 'love' means that they'd clocked me as male. That or they were just a little more socially aware and took a punt, but that is much less of a likelihood. Anyway.

So initially I got all of the euphoria. But then, because of how we in North Yorkshire operate, I had to respond with, 'That's alright.' And because I haven't started the medical transition, my voice is very much something that will out me. I didn't dare to look as I said it, just bustled past and tried not to let it ruin things. Can't lie, though, it did slightly spoil it, but hey.

Whoo boy howdy am I having a hard time right now.

I am already so happy with how my body is changing. I haven't started any medical transitioning yet but even just binding and growing out my body hair is helping me to understand so much more about the direction I want things to head.

H O W E V E R (TW for vague mention of afab hormonal cycles below the cut)