Dysfunctional Family Problems

Your parents thought preventing childhood obesity meant starving the dog, harnessing you to a pole, and strapping raw steaks to your back for 10-15 minutes a day. #dysfuncfamproblems

Your family did community service at the local nursing home because the funeral invites were really the only vacations you all ever went on.#dysfuncfamproblems

You thought your name was “an accident” until you were twelve years old. #dysfuncfamproblems

When you approached your dad to ask if he went to Narnia when he was “in the closet” like mom said, he said yes, and that only the talking goat could “satisfy his needs.”

At the end of the little league season, your parents convinced all the other parents that it would only make sense if the team watched them burn the second place trophies. #dysfuncfamproblems

When your little brother spat back into the chalice during communion, saying that “real men” only drank Black Label, your father did nothing but grin and pat him on the back. #dysfuncfamproblems

The only reason you've ever fallen asleep on the toilet is because your parents installed a lock that could only be opened from the outside. #dysfuncfamproblems

At one point during your childhood there were nannycams in most household objects even though you've never had a nanny. #dysfuncfamproblems

Your parents crossed out "dependent" on their tax forms and listed you as a "unsustainable useless money leech" instead. #dysfuncfamproblems

Your mother bought a waffle iron just to burn the grid into your father's clothes whenever she occasionally accused him of infidelity. #dysfuncfamproblems

Post-traumatic-stress-disorder united with passive-aggressiveness when your mother bought lead paint to try to poison the family. #dysfuncfamproblems

Your parents refused to let you hold their hands while crossing the street, slowly nodding and telling you that "it was for the best". #dysfuncfamproblems

Captain Morgan has always been more of a father figure to you than your biological father ever was. #dysfuncfamproblems

The family skeleton isn't hidden in any closet, it's tucked inside the crawl space and goes by the name of "your-mother's-first-husband". #dysfuncfamproblems

Camping trips quickly turned into "hunt or be hunted" trips once your parents had too much to drink. #dysfuncfamproblems

Your local library has always represented new adventures and exciting journeys ever since you were young...primarily because your parents frequently drugged you before your visits. #dysfuncfamproblems

Until you were five you thought the mailman was your father....so did your mother. #dysfuncfamproblems