yang tersirat dan yang tersurat

mengartikan puzzle bahasaku dalam rangkaian yang lebih manis

walau tak setiap waktu kau begitu

tapi aku rindu

aku inginnya bersamamu

kau yang paling tau aku

dan yang paling mengerti

jadi aku serahkan pada Tuhan saja cerita kita ini

aku berharap seluruh hal terbaik di dunia ini akan terjadi padamu

On Relationship

Months ago, me, my sister and my mum were talking about divorcee around our circle. We talked about how society still stigmatizes a woman widower (janda) but not the guy.

On my late 20s, conversation about relationship has shifted from union (dating-marriage) to separation. As someone who hasn’t found anyone, I have mixed feelings about that. I think, even though I have someone, I might still have that mixed-feeling. As one of my colleague said to me

Ownership leads to suffering

I also has that kind of concept since I witness how broken heart my college lecturer when her husband suddenly died, especially when they were not in the same island. He left her with their only child. I know in this world, couple can be separated one way or another. It can be one of them cheating, or simply they grow apart, or death.

On Work Place

There’s always be office politics. Sometimes it’s nasty, sometimes it’s just a normal healthy amount. There’s always be toxic co-workers. There’s always be hierarchy, rigid or not. There’s no angel, there’s no perfect person/co-workers/office/leaders. There’s always trade off.

You’re never gonna be able to change those. But you have power to decide how you react to those.

The most important thing is let your ability (skills and knowledge) grows.

The toxic co-workers might have that networking skill you need to steal. That hierarchy environment might pressure you to handle jobs you like.

Measure your ability with the-previous-you. Can you did it yesterday? Does the task make you better than the-yesterday-you? Did you discover something you?

Mengalir saja mba, seperti air. Suatu saat semuanya pasti bermuara.

(Let it flow, like water. In the end, everything will fall into places, like water flows to the ocean)

I am so lucky to be surround by “the perfect co-workers” and professional environment that push me to learn beyond my expectations. My job might be not as fancy as my friends’, but I am grateful every second of it. It might make me tired but it makes me happy at the same time.

On Friendship

It might just need one “hi, how are you lately?” to a long-time-no-connect friends. Many people think it just small talk, but as a friend, it might lead to 2 hours call or a full day chat. It might be simple but it also meaningful :)

Ps. when my friend answer me with “okay”, I always follow up with “I mean how’s your heart, your mind, your body, your work, and your life basically” :D

On Others

Today, one of my friend posted photo of a couple he took two, or three years ago. A couple that I know is going through a separation. I wonder if the guy who posted that photo realized what’s happening.

Months ago, I met a guy who witness his brother meltdown because his wife cheated on him. The reason she cheated was because of religious view. The views that similar to one my family choose. He asked me about my opinion why his sister-in-law did that, was it allowed in the religion?

One of my co-workers always cheerful and energetic. But she just lost her dad, and she’s still in her 24. She had a younger sibling. Her mum is still working but it was her dad that was the breadwinner of the family. Now she has to share that responsibility with her mom. She always smile but one day she introduced her friend with, “She’s my friend. And like me, she is an orphan”. And smiled. But that one was bitter.

One person. Many stories. Bunch of history. Treat them well, you never know what they have been through.

On positive mantra

“Hari ini saya akan menjalankan tugas yang Tuhan beri kepada saya sebaik - baiknya. Sebagai teman, Sebagai profesional, Sebagai manusia. Beri saya kekuatan Tuhan.”

I believe each and everyone of us has responsibility in this world. The responsibility that beyond our perspective, our job, or our problems. The responsibility that implied to us as a professional, as a partner, as a friend, as someone who can make a change. I asked for strength to do my responsibility at my best. To help me focus on that beyond my problems.

“Lokha samasta sukhino bhavantu”

“May all beings everywhere be free and happy. And may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.”

On getting older

This song still relatable so much

------------------------------------------------

Last, for everyone who passed by, thank you to make me know myself better. 

Yogyakarta, 26 Oct 2019

It was that day,  when rain was pouring and you hold my hand and we were running into the car “hey, nobody did this” i thought

Your perfume became my new air Your arms were suddenly my new favorite place and your lips were my new addiction Everything were sweet and melodic Your snoring even became lullabies I was waiting to hear before sleep

Then my insecurities consumed me My ability to push people away panicked out  as you moved closer and closer My comfort zone is always my own It never have you

But I made up my mind I put everything that I have to popped out the question And you said “dont”

So I close my book for a chapter that was prepared for you the one that stopped before it even started cos our story suppossed to last short like that cinderella who had to run before midnight

i’m stuttering cos one by one truth coming out from my mouth

No more secrets and of course,

i feel naked

How can no one ever told me that telling the truth is like swimming in that mountain lake at 3 AM without bonfire being lit. It’s cold and I feel naked, 

my soul feel naked without any secrets covering up my past, my wounds, my scars.

Here, 

You can see scars from everyone that went away. Touch it and you can feel those are healed.

Uhm no, in my ankles are some wounds from all burdens in past. Those burdens were like rocks hanging on my feet until I said 

“STOP! I’m gonna go, I have let you go!” 

But it’s okay now, those wounds gave me these beautiful wings to fly. The rest of my scars shaped me into who I am right now. 

See, these are from that struggles from schools, these are from try to paying bills, from living life paycheck by paycheck. These from dreams that I have to forget. Yes, i know that ones are still open. It’s new. It’s still bleeding sometimes too. But no worries, I’m still walking up, loud and proud.

Oh! Yeah. And in this hole, you can find my heart. It’s not as pretty as those girl in movie, fairy tale or in your screens. It’s broken, it’s incomplete, yet it is still fragile somehow. It’s black from all those mistrust issues. It’s losing faith once. 

But hey, do you wanna see magic? It’s sparks warm light feeling that I like when you’re near. See? It’s glowing when you hold me. And you know what, it’s burning red when you said you’re gonna be here, staying with me.

So here I am, naked. 

Prambanan is the biggest Hindu temple located in the border of Yogyakarta and Central Java. It belongs to one of UNESCO World Heritage in Indonesia. I’ve only been there for 4 times, only. I never been there until I was 16-ish, i guess. Born and raised in the area, I kinda took Prambanan for granted. (I passed the temple everytime I have to go to my parents’. And the main temples are high enough to be seen from the highway :P)

Months ago, I wanted to visit the temple again cos I like the park beside the main temple area. But no friends were available, so I just visited the temple last week. Then it hit me.

As an Indonesian, there is two stories around the development of Prambanan. First, historically, the temple was built in mid-9th century to mark Sanjaya Dynasty territorry. (The competitor temple, Borobudur, was built by competitor Dynasty, a century before). You can see how the temple built inside Prambanan Museum inside the temple complex. Spoiler alert: It involved a temple architect who measure the temple using his arm. (A temple architect in the museum was drawn as a man. I’m not quite sure is it because the temple architect back in Sanjaya Dynasty was a particular man job, or; it is Indonesian mindset that still misoginist so that the architect is drawn as a man).

The interesting part is the second one, the tale of Rara Jonggrang, which actually the tale about development of Sewu Temple (Sewu means a thousand). This tale is kinda overshadowing the historical story about Prambanan cos (1) we heard it since we were kids from our parents, teachers, and (maybe) families,(2) Sewu Temple located inside Prambanan Temple complex, (3) There’s a Loro Jonggrang statue in Prambanan’s Shiva Shrine (/Temple?).

So, once upon a time, there was a prince called Bandung Bandawasa (I dont think he was from Bandung just because he has it on his name). He killed Ratu Boko to take over the kingdom. BUT!!! Just like how love usually happen, unpredictable and uninvited, Bandung Bandawasa fell in love with Roro Jonggrang, the daughter of Ratu Boko.

What happen if the guy who killed your father confess his love to you? Unless you have some revenge plans, like poison him during his sleep or something bigger, you must have said no. Well, so did Roro Jonggrang.

No, she didnt have any revenge plans so she rejected Bandung Bandawasa proposal. Bandung Bandawasa, somehow, insisted her about the union. (I vaguely remember that he threathened to kill everyone in the kingdom if she didnt accept his proposal). Yadda yadda yadda. So the princess, Roro Jonggrang said she would marry him if he can build a thousand temples IN ONE NIGHT.

Oh gosh, imagine you fall in love with someone then suddenly there’s this 0.00001% chance of you guys gonna be together. As people who madly in love, just like Bandung Bandawasa, you would fight for that tiny chance. To make it bigger and bigger. Just like how Dewa 19, one of the most famous bands during 90s in Indonesia ever sang,

Aku bisa membuatmu jatuh cinta kepadaku meski kau tak cinta kepadaku Beri sedikit waktu biar cinta datang karena telah terbiasa~

I can make you fall in love with me even if you dont Give it time ‘cause it’s already here for me (the literal translation is give love time to come cos you’re accustomed being with me. couldn’t find any better translation tho)

Risalah Hati - Dewa 19

Anyway, back to Bandung Bandawasa. Of course, he accepted the challenge. Yadda yadda yadda, he asked help from spirits, genies, demons to help him build a thousand temples in one night. When it’s almost dawn, Bandung Bandawasa and his help troupe almost finish the temples. Knowing this, Rara Jonggrang was anxious. But she knew that all spirits, genies and demons are afraid of sunlight. So she made all women in the village wake up way before sunrise and asked them to pounding rice and set fire at the eastof the temple. The loud noises from rice pounding made roosters in the village awake and crow (you know, the sound rooster make in the morning).

Heard all of the noises, the rooster and a slight light in the east, all the spirits were fooled and thought it’s sunrise time already. So they went away and left Bandung Bandawasa with 999 temples.

Perfect timing to play Almost is Never Enough by Ariana Grande and Nathan Skyes, cue.

BUT! Bandung Bandawasa realized that those were tricks played by Roro Jonggrang. So he was furious and curse Rara Jonggrang to be a statue, to complete the 1000th temple.

So, the moral of the story is actually something we heard all over the place. You might fall in love but you have to keep it make sense. Like you cant kill someone and fall in love with her/his daughter/son. I might sound like a romance killer but you have to calculate the possibility of you guys together.

Wanting to be with someone you cant have is tiring and waste your time. Been there, done that. It’s stupid and you’ll regret it. (Wonder if that Bandung Bandawasa thinks too, hmm)

People will make effort for someone they love. And if they dont sacrifice things as much as you are, well, stop and trace back all of those efforts and talk about it. Being the one who do all the work in relationship is SUCK and that’s not a healthy relationship.

But in the end, without those hiccup in our love life, aren’t we gonna learn nothing? We won’t have Sewu Temple (and a famous folklore) without Bandung Bandawasa anyway..

Bae,

Being bored of saying I miss him. We already use any other words instead of miss and longing. We’re bored of saying it to the moment there’s no point of saying that at all.

As my train rolls down the east coast I wonder how you keep warm It's too late to cry Too broken to move on And still I can't let you be Most nights I hardly sleep Don't take what you don't need from me It's just a drop in the ocean A change in the weather I was praying that you and me might end up together It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven

A Drop in the Ocean - Ron Pope

I can quote every sad song I’ve heard into two words I can read every poem about goodbye and summarize it into two words I can watch all Romeo - Juliette, Titanic, all those tragic play and movies,... into two words and that would be leaving you...

I’m sorry for every hug i’m not giving it back For every time your lips failed to meet mine For every pat in my head that I have to stop you My mind still lingers why we hurt each other But maybe that’s how life is...

Definition of metro plural metros : subway

Stockholm is famous for its metro art. Metro stations in Stockholm can be divided into three line; the red line, the green one and a “new” blue line, my all time favorite :) Not only because of the art, but I lived for 2 years in the same blue line, tho I moved for a bit. 

Blue line can be suck. 

Ah no. Not that the blue line sucks but i just hate to ride the old train wagon which makes noises a lot XD And you will ride that often in the Blue line. (Or red line sometimes)

So the blue line starts in the famous Kungsträdgården, which literally means the King’s Park (Royal’s Park?). There you can find NK, the upper class shopping mall. The park itself is all-year hanging out place. In summer, there’s a lot of festival there. Indonesian embassy held a cultural festival last summer there, as well as the Thailand, Korean, Indian and Mexico culture fest. During summer-autumn, they held free lunch jazz concert there, too, sometimes. In winter, the park turns into ice skating rink, which is fun. They have disco skating in the weekend if I’m not mistaken. From Kungsträdgården you can go to a lot of tourist spots, like Grona Lund, Waldermarsudde, Skansen, and many more. Or just walk to enjoy the best Stockholm vibe :)

After Kungsträdgården, blue line will take you to Stockholm Central. The biggest station in town (of course) where all the lines meet. This photo taken there. 

Blue line used to be located in the furthest down of metro line but recently the pendeltag line lies below it. See the stairs in the picture here? That stairs is so damn high and i run either up or down to catch a train.

Since I’m not really good keeping track of time, I run to catch my train most of the time, like MOST OF THE TIME. I run a lot to catch the train that i dont see the point why i have to jog regularly, cos I sprint regularly by doing that! XD

I ALWAYS HATE Stockholm Central. It’s so crowded that I take other route to avoid the rush hour especially. But it’s so big, it’s so grande that I took it for granted. There are a lot of beautiful photo about Stockholm Central in instagram and around the internet. But me? I only have this photo of Stockholm Central.

The next station after Stockholm Central is Rådhuset, the Red House. There’s Indonesian Embassy office here, where I got a part time job as content designer once. There’s Indian buffet restaurant near this area too XD 

Then we go to Fridhemsplan, where there’s Willys, a cheap and big groceries store. It’s much cheaper compare to other stores in Stockholm and it offers a lot of discounts! Oh, student life XD

when i know there’s discount price on my fave or needed items

me after shopping discounted items

Fridhemsplan

After Fridhemsplan, there’s Stadshagen, a modern chic urban area with beautiful seaside park. Oh oh,and in this park lies my dates, mates and failed aurora watching attempts (sounds like a 2000s-teen-lit title like? XD)

One summer sunset in Stadshagen

Next, one of my favorite station: Västra skogen! which literally means Western Wood. When i was live here, i put “currently live in Western Wood” on my bio. Vastra Skogen might looks hideous BUT the art of Västra skogen will looking at you instead :3 (see here).

After Västra skogen, blue line divided into to route, i.e. the one goes to Akalla and the other one which goes to Hjulsta. Train stations that goes to Hjulsta have magnificent arts as well. But i rarely roamed around this line. I usually went to Rissne where Mba Biah and Kak Fumi, my favorite support system in Stockholm live for a year or so, before they move to different place. Pictures below were taken on the line goes to Hjulsta.

Well, from Västra skogen , the line which goes to Akalla will direct you to Solna Centrum. It kinda have similar colour to Rådhuset but it definitely serves different vibes. I like the vibrant red colour in this station with its art-museum-like exhibitions.

Next next, my recent favorite station: Näckrosen!  Just because my significant other live here :P But this station is the selo-est more reserved (kinda) than any other station in this line, even on the weekend. 

After Näckrosen, there’s Hallonbergen station, which i usually just passed by. I think I only been in this station for only 5 times during my stay in Sweden. Oh but the metro art here is kinda cute. It’s child-like drawing and sketch painted on the wall.

Theeeennnn, we have KISTA STATION *drum roll* which my most favorite station in this city! Outside the station, there’s Kista Galleria which is a shopping mall with cozy city library. On the upper floor of the mall, there’s student housing where I lived for 1,5 years XD Oh memories~ :3 There’s many bus connection from this station and also Flygbussarna which goes to the airport. Not far from this station, there’s Helenelund pendeltåg station. (Winter wonderland from Helenelund station here and here).

And actually i rarely went to stations after Kista. There’s Husby and Akalla station. I went to Husby usually to swim in the gym center nearby the station, and I went to Akalla usually to took the bus that goes to Barkarby (where there’s IKEA, a big Decathlon store, and many other factory outlets). 

And yeah, that’s my favorite line in Stockholm. Since I lived in this line for about 2 years, I kinda take it for granted. Like, I haven’t been roamed and taking pictures in Central Station, Kungsträdgården , and Hallonbergen, even tho I passed it many times. But yeah, I miss walking and running to catch the train. I miss the integrated transportation. And Stockholm is definitely the most fruitful phase of my life :)

the one who try to move on @dynnsanctuary