DYLAN EVANS

Colby Smith is a comedian and writer based in Brooklyn. He hosts Young Person’s Radio on Radio Free Brooklyn every Sunday at 10am and performs stand-up and improv around the city.

Colby Smith: This song is soft. I don’t mean “soft” like the warm embrace of flannel sheets in the wintertime. I mean “soft” like the hands of some chump who works at a desk all day. “Soft” like Tim Allen at the beginning of Joe Somebody, getting his ass kicked by Patrick Warburton while his stronger-willed daughter looks on in shame.

I mean, Michael Jackson is how old here? 12? I resent being told I “better be good” by a pre-pubescent who knows nothing of the evils of the world. What does “being good” even mean to him? Not talking while the teacher’s talking? And then, what, he gets a sticker next to his name on the board? The rest of us meanwhile have to fight for any sense of personal goodness in a world where morality is irrelevant. And YOU are going to tell ME to “be good”?

Then, there’s the baffling decision to start the song will the jubilant “Santa Claus is coming to town!” chorus, then go back to the “You better watch out, you better not cry” verse?! Give me a break. This song works in its original form because it’s about PAIN. It’s about STRIVING and STRUGGLING ALL YEAR to NOT end up on the naughty list, even when it would be the EASIEST GODDAMN THING to cry a bit, to pout a little, to just take that shortcut and do something for yourself for once, at the expense of everyone else.

But you don’t. Because you know if you don’t, Santa will come to town. And he’ll bring you something good at the end of the year.

But noooooo, not for the Jackson 5. They start the song with “Santa Claus is coming to town,” because for them, there’s no struggle. No grit. They decline to participate in the yearlong scrap and then have the utter gall to tell me I “better be good”?

HOW DARE YOU?!

Rating: 3/10

Dylan Evans: Dang – old school Michael Jackson. This is a great cover by one of the greatest boy bands of all-time. Preteen Michael Jackson can friggin crush it. Michael Jackson is a polarizing figure. It’s true – there’s some weird stuff in his later life.

In a Media Studies class where we were discussing celebrities, I had to go see that Michael Jackson movie that came out after he died, “This Is It.” Dang – it’s an amazing concert movie for a concert that never happened. It was all about his rehearsal process, and it is truly insane. He is treated like a 12-year old in the movie and at the time he was 51 years old. Can you imagine being treated like you’re 12 years old for 40 years?

Another incredibly true story about the celebrity class while we’re on the subject: one kid in my class was talking about how devastated he was when Michael Jackson died and he said, and I quote, “I remember I was just getting over Billy Mays’ death when it happened.” The fact that this kid had to “get over” Billy Mays’ death remains in my top 10 college memories.

Back to the cover. There aren’t a ton of surprises here, but in a way, that’s what makes the cover great. It’s just a fun, easy, Motown cover. It’s got all the fun you expect from The Jackson 5, and that’s great.

8 / 10 white gloves

Today we got Jake Levitt with the review!  Jake Levitt is an actor, writer, singer, comedian, and casual job-lister based in Brooklyn. You can read more about him on his website if you really want to read, nerd.

Jake Levitt: A cappella is terrible. Should we just get that out of the way first? It’s nonsense. Your mouth isn’t drums. So I was very disappointed to click on this link and find a channel called “TheJunctionAcappella,” but then the video started with four people crowded around a piano, with an additional person seated on the bench, looking at sheet music. “Thank God,” I thought, “they wouldn’t be at this piano if they weren’t going to play it.” WRONG. The camera spends the whole video simply spinning around this giant instrument, as if it were cheaper to rent a grand piano than a tripod.

But, OK. If it’s gonna be just mouth sounds, let’s dive in. They sound pretty OK for not having instruments. The first soloist girl is good enough that you just wonder what she’s doing there. Each member of the group gets a chance at a solo and they are progressively worse, until the two dudes have a chance to sing and make you wish they would’ve just kept beat boxing – something I’ve never wished anyone would keep doing. But honestly they do a really great job of making the first girl seem amazing when she comes back in with another solo. Did she owe someone a favor? Get a real band, girl. Still, she seems to be having a grand old time. This group definitely gets points for jolliness. They are all smiles, and we are made to believe that they are somehow actually enjoying themselves, which is a plus.

Unfortunately for the group, the lyrics of the song aren’t miraculously made more charming by smiling, and in fact “You’d better watch out; you’d better not cry” seems even creepier when five Dutch smiles are singing it at you (the group's nationality isn’t clear at first, but a cursory glance at the video description and the plethora of umlauts sitting atop everyone’s names makes it pretty obvious).

It takes a while to set in, but it ultimately becomes clear that these smiles are just masks for an unspoken evil underneath. About halfway through the song, the arrangement breaks down to just the smiler/singers whispering “you better be good” and “watch out” repeatedly for 10-15 seconds, pointing into the camera and looking directly into my soul. They hold their smiles, but their eyes are dead, making this perhaps the most unsettling Christmas carol video I’ve ever seen. I’m not foremost scholar on witchcraft but I know when someone is trying to possess me. BETTER LÜCK NEXT YEAR, SÜCKERS.

2/10

Dylan Evans: Jake and I met at college, so for obvious reasons, it seemed aca-appropriate to give him an acapella cover of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. This cover comes from The Junction, a Dutch acapella group. Finally, we can end out decades long debate about whether acapella is only American or not.

Frankly, I’m surprised to see that this wearisome hobby (pastime? passion? I’m going to stick with hobby…), made it all the way to Europe. Don’t the Europeans have anything better to do? I mean these guys are Dutch. Dutch! They have windmills! Amsterdam! Bicycles! And yet, The Junction spends their time standing around an unused piano, pretending to be instruments.

The Junction’s cover of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town is somewhat enjoyable for an acapella concert. I sat through my share of acapella concerts in college, and I’m pretty sure the time has allowed me to identify bearable acapella and unbearable acapella. In a lot of ways, improv comedy is like acapella. It’s only fun for the people doing it. Everyone in the audience is having an awful time and is being forced to be there, and no way anybody who does it is going pro.

A couple other thoughts on this cover: thank god we got a beatbox breakdown. If there’s one thing we need, it’s to shine a light on the beatboxer. That breakdown also features some fun riffs like “better be nice / better be good.”  Also, occasionally their Dutch accidents do breakthrough and oh man, is it enjoyable. If I could find a video of the Swedish chef doing acapella, you better believe I’d watch it for hours.

Final thought on this cover: why are they standing around a piano if they’re doing acapella? Isn’t a piano like tempting to them? It would’ve made the cover a thousand times better if they used it, but alas, they just hang around it like it was a coffee table.

5 / 10 professional beatboxers

Today’s reviewer is Carly Hoogendyk! Carly is a social media manager and improviser, frequently onstage at Reckless Theatre. She hosts a livestream hangout/show called Play You Guys that puts comedians on a couch to play party games WITH YOU every Wednesday 8-10pm on twitch.tv/goodbucket. She’s also on Twitter for herself sometimes @carlyhoogs.

Carly Hoogendyk: James Taylor, hunh? Okay. I have all kinds of immediate, superficial feelings -- not the least of which is my gut reaction to the album art. My mind reels to imagine what the impeccably bundled up James Taylor is gifting me. The size of the box and his devilish smirk leads me to assume.. butt plug? It's probably a butt plug. Because if there is a second immediate thought I have about Taylor's entire chill AF oeuvre it's that it makes even my most anxious orifices unclench.

But as relaxing as this rendition sounds like it's going to be (the smooth brush shots on that drum! the jazz brunchiness of that piano!) there's an unexpected urgency in Taylor's Santa prophecy that struck me as worrisome. (And if anything, it garnered a higher score for the cover.)  

At 2:25 there's a sudden, genuine urgency to "WATCH OUT." It's as if we're jaywalking and Taylor sees a bicyclist coming. At 2:32, he interjects between the song's final refrains to tell us "NO, THIS IS SERIOUS."  

So, I'm left feeling like James Taylor's easy-going-up-until-THAT-point cover belies his deep and irrational fear that we, the listener, might head into the season unprepared for Santa's arrival.

That's my read.

6 rummy tum tums out of 10 rummy tum tums

Dylan Evans: Damn – American treasure, James Taylor is back in the game with a silky smooth cover for your ears.  James Taylor gives you a cover that only he could: smooth, jazzy, and something that is perfect for a romantic comedy.

The big negative here is that James Taylor doesn’t give us the signature guitar style we’re used to from him. It’s mostly stand-up bass, jazzy drums, and a piano that takes over the entire cover.

Recently, I’ve been watching a bunch of different Christmas specials from a ton of different shows: 30 Rock, Futurama, Parks and Recreation, The Simpsons, and so much more. The reason I bring this up is because this cover is right out of The Office’s “Classy Christmas” episode. I mean, is this not the classiest cover you’ve ever heard? Taylor’s buttery voice slides right into your earholes and makes you want to cuddle up by the fire with your sweetheart, clink your glasses of red wine, and eskimo kiss the night away as the snow falls outside.

The cover isn’t perfect though. The ending is a bit of a disappointment. Taylor ends the cover with a surprising “WATCH OUT,” and a “This is serious” in the outro and it totally cuts the grown-up, mature tone of the song.

Despite its negatives though, the cover is great and while it may not be for everyone, it is certainly for me right now as I sip on a cup of Earl Grey tea in my sweatpants and LL Bean slippies.

8/10 adult contemporary CDs on sale at Sam Goody  

Today’s reviewer is James Cross!  James Cross is a comedian based out of Legion Bar.

James Cross: If this cover of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" was a reindeer it would probably be Donner. I don't think it's anyone's favorite but we can all agree that it's "definitely one of them" and if you're listing them it's probably one of the last ones you'd want to mention.

This song actually starts off with the nice swaying instrumental you'd find in the back half of a DeVry university commercial. Roughly a minute in and this song starts to pick up the pace. It gave me hope that this song would end faster. Maybe this song actually is like DeVry university and can be finished in half the time.

No way bro, not at all. Halfway through the song and now Colbie and I are BOTH yelling "just be good for goodness sake"

Then in the end this song truly became like DeVry university because after I was done, I went on to better things (like not listening to this song).

Perhaps I am giving this song a hard time, but to be fair I had an even harder time listening to it. This song isn't even technically that bad! Yet, that's weirdly the worst part. It just feels so purposely done right down the middle, in an effort to please everyone. I'm not sure this song offers anything you couldn't get from any other version of this song. There's nothing unique here, I mean I've heard of rocking the vote but rocking the boat? Colbie doesn't do that and granted, I don't think anyone's looking for hot takes from Colbie Calliat but this song is the musical equivalent of small talk - pleasant, lacking anything substantial, a way to pass the time if you're uncomfortable with silence.

When Santa Claus finally comes to town I hope he brings us a better version of this song.

Rating: 4/10

Dylan Evans: I live in Brooklyn. I have a “hip” haircut. Admittedly, I might not know enough about the current zeitgeist. Most of my music news comes from Pitchfork, Brooklyn Vegan, and other such blogs. My entire knowledge of the artist known as Colbie Caillat comes from her Wikipedia page. Wikipedia tells me she has won 2 Grammy awards for collaborations with Taylor Swift and with Jason Mraz respectively. Coincidentally, she sounds exactly like the daughter of Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz.

Equal parts pop and equal parts annoying, this song sounds right at home on an album called “Christmas In The Sand.” Christmas is about snow, winter, ice, etc. Sand has no home at Christmas. I’m well aware that people in Los Angeles celebrate Christmas, but it’s cursed with an asterisk: A California Christmas.

The song is pretty uninventive: a Starbucks, pop cover of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town,” that absolutely sounds like the love child of Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz. Swift’s dismissiveness and Mraz’s monotony combine for Caillat’s cover. This cover is meant for malls: specifically a struggling Old Navy that has a great sale on performance fleeces.

The problem with this cover is it could be by literally a thousand different artists. I imagine if you closed your eyes and tried to pick the artist, you’d never in a hundred guesses pick Caillat unless you were her parents. The cover isn’t bad. In fact, it’s pretty mediocre. It’s totally fine, which in my opinion, is worse than bad. It’s unimaginative and I couldn’t care less. Now show me to those performance fleeces, please.

5 / 10 performance fleeces

Today we got Ryan McCormack! Ryan McCormack is a musician and a comedian living in Brooklyn. He recently released a collection of songs called “Songs From The Roof” on his Bandcamp.

Ryan McCormack: Dylan, I think I’m getting coal for Christmas because this cover of Santa Claus is Coming to Town is making me Cry and Pout. This version is the opposite of everything I love about the holidays. Before making another cover of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”, there must be a good reason to do so! In this case, the only obvious reason (it certainly is not the music) is to get a ton of views on YouTube channel, and I guess therefore $$$? These guys wrote an arrangement that’s like a Frankenstein of trendy musical elements: the punk bass line, a Fun-like (the band) breakdown thats emotion is built with layering multiple compressed vocal harmonies, pianos from Keane’s Somewhere Only We Know. This mid-2000s teen pop Frankenstein slogs towards us with a tune we all know, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. I am not saying that these musical elements in isolation, or used in other contexts, are necessarily bad. However, it’s clear to me that these two wrote this arrangement just to get views, which seems kind of sad, and especially sad considering it’s a classic holiday song.      

The cover does not hide the fact it was written for views and money. “SkyDoesThings” is a vlogger (video-blogger) who posts Fallonesque content to his youtube channel five times a week.  The creation of this video resembles a merger between two companies like a combination Taco Bell & Pizza Hut. “SkyDoesThings” teamed up with Peter Hollens: another Youtube Vlogger, known for his A cappella arrangements of popular songs.  At the end of the video, the two plug their other videos, shit-talk Jimmy Fallon (only to take it back, and ask to be on his show), and to buy this cover on music apps.

I think it’s interesting to think about this song representing the changing shift in values around the holidays. It’s easy to idealize the past when treading this sort of thought, but most people would agree the importance of buying presents to the holidays has increased in the last 70 years, and exponentially so in the last thirty years. I guess it’s no surprise the types of songs we write and arrange today reflect the time we live in. While this cover, and what it represents, is depressing to me, I still think there’s the opportunity to write holiday songs that reflect the types of values we ought to emphasize.

Rating: 2.5 / 10

Dylan Evans: Finally, two of my favorite artists team up to perform a cover. Man, I friggin love Sky and Peter Hollens as individuals, but TOGETHER?! Man, we got a real Suicide Squad going on.

Admittedly, I have never heard of either of these guys. Their performance of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town is about as boring as they must be at a party. I honestly can’t believe these two dudes are musicians. They look like two sentient Chobani yogurts came to life: like somehow if you imagine Frosty the Snowman, but instead of a snowman, it was yogurt. That’s what these two dudes remind me of in this music video.

And yet, because all of life is pointless and has no meaning, these dudes have racked up 1.1 million views on their cover. The cover is boring as hell, but nothing is as boring as the 1 and a half minutes at the end of the video of these two guys talking to the camera, claming their new “Star Wars Acapella” “put Jimmy Fallon to shame.” Oh good – two boring ass dudes are trying to out-boring another boring ass dude.

Their bridge in the middle is new where they repeat “You better not pout / You better not cry,” but it isn’t nearly enough to save this horrid, milk toast cover. If this cover accomplishes anything, it’s to reiterate the huge problem of over-population and that YouTube has too many videos on it.

Today’s reviewer is Gwen Lawson! Gwen Lawson is a writer & performer in New York. Sometimes she dances on Instagram. Her website is www.gwenlawson.info, and my twitter handle is @msgwenl.

Gwen Lawson: This song is forever tainted for me with terrible memories of middle school swing choir: I remember each grapevine, swing-ball-change, and sparkle finger that we performed while singing this song. Worse still, I remember the terrible outfits we wore: strange maroon cap-sleeved dresses for the girls, and equally strange maroon vests over white shirts and black slacks for the guys. We looked like an Uncanny Valley catering crew.

All that being said, I was pleasantly surprised that Dylan gave me a Sufjan Stevens cover of this song, because I went through a huge Sufjan phase between the ages of 18 and, like, a week and a half ago (since then, I’ve been on a 90s Alanis kick – sorry, Sufjan).

This arrangement doesn’t have any of the wistful pan flute, climactic theremin, or other quirky, little-known instruments that I’ve come to expect of Sufjan, which was a bit of a letdown. After all, one of Sufjan’s signature moves is making you wonder if the alto line of the harmony was sung by a flock of well-trained ducks.  

While the choral arrangement was one I’d never heard before, I still cringed a bit to hear any choir sing the words “Santa Claus is comin’ to town” (box step, ball change, box step, ball change, jazz hands). To be fair, though, it wasn't that bad: if I banished my memories of performing this song in the middle school cafeteria, I could almost imagine this version being sung by the residents of a kicky, earnest town in New England as they come together annually to decorate the ol’ fir tree in the town square, smiling out at each other from under their hand-knit hats & scarves. Eight months from now, a hurricane will ravage the village, tearing the roof off the local battery manufacturing plant, which will then pack up and move its whole operation to Taiwan, leaving the townsfolk stunned & floundering as they reckon with their sudden mass unemployment. But they don’t know that yet! It’s Christmas!

The lyrical, ballad-esque new verse at the end of the song is a very nice addition. Between its reflective philosophical lyrics and its resonant pianissimo melody, Sufjan’s new verse gives the song a weight that the original lacks. I also really enjoyed the minor fall at the end of the song. It’s haunting, melodic. As the song starts descending into a minor key, you can see those wholesome townspeople gently putting down the tinsel and whispering to each other about Santa’s campaign of behavioral espionage, their eyes wide, their voices cautious, their hearts beating faster with the knowledge that Santa might have watched them masturbate two nights ago. The fantastic & unexpected ending to this song helped me to see Santa for what he is: a terrifying scopophiliac.

7/10

Dylan Evans: Finally, a Sufjan song without Sufjan’s amazing voice! I was a huge Sufjan Stevens fan back in the day. I mean, dang, Greetings From Michigan and Illinoise comforted me on many a family road trip in the early 00s on my iPod Touch. I have both on vinyl, and listen to them often. They’re amazing. If you’ve got a flight back home or a train ride and want to feel wistful and like you’re in a Wes Anderson movie, I highly recommend bumping some Suf.

This cover is classic Suf: a ton of instruments, a choir, ambiguous lyrics. It’s a great Sufjan song, but doesn’t quite hold up to the original version. It’s more of a nod to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town than an actual cover, but I’ll allow it because the man got me through middle school.

This cover comes from Sufjan’s 2012, 57-track monster album “Silver & Gold.” It’s a beast of a record with multiple versions of holiday classics and an amazing cover of Prince’s “Alphabet St.” as well as some new Sufjan holiday favorites like “Lumberjack Christmas / No One Can Save You From Christmases Past” and “Christmas Unicorn.”

The cover is super unique to only Sufjan. Nobody else could pull it off, and for that, it’s super admirable. It’s what I like in a cover: something that is entirely the artist. It’s not just a copy-cat of something some other artist did. It’s something only he could do. If you’ve got about 12 hours to kill, check out “Silver & Gold” for a ton of Sufjan standards.

8 / 10 singing Christmas trees

Today’s reviewer is Marlesse Marino! Marlesse Marino is performer and writer living in Astoria, Queens. She loves Beyonce.

Marlesse Marino: I need to start this review by saying, I LOVE SKA. Since the first time Less Than Jake made its way to my ears they penetrated my soul. One of my happiest memories growing up was seeing Catch-22 perform at a venue in South Florida called The Factory. My mom dropped me off, I skanked my heart out, my mom picked me up. And baby, I have to tell you through ska I found my joy.

This cover of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by SKA2TONE1 is a different story.

It did not bring me joy.

It brought me boredom.

It brought me disappointment.

I am sad now.

This song is called “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” but the lyrics not-so-clearly state that Santa Claus is ska-ing to town.  At first I thought SKA2TONE1 had a pronunciation issue and then I realized no, no, Santa is ska-ing to town. This should have been a fun surprise, but it was not.

The majority of the song is instrumental apart from some ‘Hit ‘em ups’ in the beginning a few guttural ‘yeahs’ and, of course, the occasional ‘Santa Claus is ska-ing to town.’ This should not have been a problem.  A MOSTLY INSTRUMENTAL SKA CHRISTMAS SONG?!? HECK YES SIGN ME UP. I LOVE A HORN. CHRISTMAS LOVES HORNS.

The horns were lackluster. They did nothing. The horns heralded defeat.

I blame myself. I expected too much when I saw that I would be listening to a ska cover of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” When I think of this song, I think of the version by the Jackson 5, which is so full of life and fun --two things that perfectly describe ska. Any ska cover of this song should have been a home run! I should have known better. The name SKA2TONE1 is not good. Like their horns, that band name heralds defeat.

I am sad now.

Rating: 1 out of 10

Dylan Evans: As is my birthright as a New Jersey native who grew up in the 90s, I went through a pretty big ska phase. I think I still remember all the lyrics to Keasbey Nights and Everything Goes Numb, and if you don’t know those records, then this cover is definitely not for you.

In fact, I remember getting a big CD binder from my friend Kenny who was the bassist in my band in high school, and ripping tons of Reel Big Fish and Operation Ivy CDs onto my family iMac in probably 2006. I never went full-ska though. I never went to a ska concert. I never owned checkered Vans sneakers. I was close, but never went full-ska.

One of the things I loved about ska, I think, was the energy. A lot of the times the songs are raging super hard and you can’t help but want to skank and skank hard. By the way, I found this dream of a Youtube video called “how to dance to ska,” which is absolutely worth a watch after you finish reading this.

This cover, though, has absolutely no energy whatsoever. It feels like the local ska band was offered a chance to play the local YMCA Christmas dance and decided to make this their slow song. It’s probably technically ska because there’s certain elements that are obvious, but it lost all the fun that ska is about. Ska is about abandoning your algebra homework and forgetting about that girl that broke your heart in homeroom.  This cover is a bummer like every other slow ska song in existence.

3 / 10 trombone solos

Today’s reviewer is Alex Starbuck! Alex is a guy in New York who sometimes does funny stuff around the city. His improv team the St. Louis Rams host the Indie Improv Showcase at the UCB Theatre. He’d love for you to email him about anything at all, so what are you waiting for?

Alex Starbuck: So 5 seconds into this and I’m immediately freaked out because I think this young lady and this Tommy Lee-looking guy are romantically involved. Thankfully, the guy is just her dad (phew!). I do wonder what this guy’s backstory is though, but not quite curious enough to actually google his name. I’m thinking definitely former rocker of some kind. I guess I’ll never know.

The song itself is fine, I guess. The only Christmas music I was really into growing up was Neil Diamond’s Christmas album, which my mom used to blast in her Suburban SUV. So it’s hard for amateurs like this to measure up to NLD (Neil Leslie Diamond — I just googled his middle name).

I just took a quick detour to the Suburban wikipedia page. This is what the first generation looked like:

Pretty wild.

Alright, back on track. There are a few things I liked about this:

1 - It’s only 1:41 seconds long. Great length!

2 - This looks like a nice house to spend the holidays in. Big windows, super comfortable looking couch. I basically spend Christmas day watching a bunch of NBA basketball games in a row, and this looks like a great place to do that.

3 - This review from Punk Koala is pretty convincing: [insert screenshot I attached]

4 - I guess they could be faking it, but I’d like to believe that this father and daughter really like each other and enjoyed doing this together. Maybe one of the dad’s old rocker friends called him to hang out that night but he was like, “oh, thanks but I can’t make it. I told Sabrina I’d help her with her thing.” That sounds nice.

I give it a 6/10 Happy Holiday!

Dylan Evans: Well we finally found it! An extremely awkward and creepy cover from a father and daughter. The Vazes seem to have recorded this cover on a mic and then lip-synched the song for this video in their suburban home.

Loving parents are great. My parents encouraged me to do everything I ever wanted. These activities included karate, trombone, soccer, football, basketball, theatre, rowing, drumming, playing guitar, and probably a million other activities that I forgot about. I’m sure Mr. Vaz is extremely supportive of Sabrina.

Mr. Vaz appears to be going through a perpetual midlife crisis judging by his hair style, necklace choice, and maybe makeup usage?  He looks like the lovechild of Professor Snape, Johnny Depp, and a vampire, which is pretty terrifying. He has a decent voice, but probably not YouTube level talent if you ask me.

Sabrina also has a pretty decent voice, but not 300,000 views worth. Kids these days. They think they can upload a flirty music video with their dad and cruise to millions of dollars. SMDH. Sabrina tells us that this is a cover of an original by Frank Sinatra and Cindi Lauper. I haven’t heard that version, but that’s a pretty weird couple too now that I think about it.

The cover and music video are both just super awkward and trying too hard for me. I don’t buy that this family actually loves each, and for that, they get NO POINTS!

We got a hot review from Tao Yang! Tao Yang is an American comedian. He is the tenth host of the long-running improv show Kaleidoscope and once punched a tuna sandwich into his mouth.

Tao Yang: When Dylan asked me to review another cover of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" I immediately said yes, even though I'm actually not very familiar with Christmas music. It never played in my house because my family never really celebrated Christmas in the traditional American ways. In fact, I didn't even start listening to music until I was 13 and I started out by listening to Puddle of Mudd and Nickelback and worked my way up from there.

But then I realized, this actually makes me the best reviewer. I'm not tainted by nostalgia or sense memories of hot cocoa around a fire. I can judge this song from a purely musical perspective. I've never even see Glee. Not a single episode. Or even the movie Pitch Perfect which, from my limited understanding, is the movie version of Glee.

So here goes.

The music starts out in a big suburban home, reminiscent of the house from Boy Meets world, with some solid jingle bell ringing from a man with a fivehead wearing a Jedi apprentice robe. Combine that look with the guitarist who is wearing a Han Solo style vest, and maybe this whole thing is a reference to the Star Wars Christmas Special? Anyways, it's all a plus in my book.

Then it all kicks off with Han Solo guitarin' and Jedi Apprentice drummin' next to the tree with presents with an enrapt audience of four squeezed into one small loveseat. They're hitting the high notes and the low notes. I can see why people like Glee.

Then a guy wearing a bowtie sits on the back of the couch and mimes himself riding a motorcycle. I'm not really sure why.

The song really kicks off as it crescendos, and the proverbial bass drops. This is the best four seconds of the song as Jedi Apprentice reappropriates Santa's catchphrase "HO HO HO" into a call-to-action to party. Bowtie then busts out a harmonica and shreds that thing for five seconds. I like harmonicas.

This is the point in the video when I realized Bowtie might have been miming riding a sleigh instead of a motorcycle earlier in the video. It's debatable though because he was rotating a handle before and sleighs use reins, not handles.

And then we start to close out on this piece, as Han Solo has a solo on the fireplace stage. A feature that I hope to someday have in my own home. Then, Han Solo and Jedi Apprentice have a fun back-and-forth, switching off lines. This is when I noticed that Jedi Apprentice DEFINITELY has a lightsaber on his belt. So it IS a Star Wars reference. Wow.

This is a solid 8/10. Good possible star wars reference, could use more clear object work. Very good production value for Glee, I guess.

Dylan Evans: Was anybody into Glee? I think I watched the first couple of years. It was like totally ok as a TV show. It was completely unrealistic for most of it though. Some of the questions I had throughout the show:

Who is working the light board for personal private songs that characters sing on the stage?

How does the Glee budget have an unlimited budget?

Where are all these arrangements coming from and who is this band that just hangs out and includes the greatest sight readers in the world since they never need their own practice and can play any song within seconds of getting the music?

Anyway, this Glee cover of Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town is pretty depressing 3 years later. The one dude (Finn?) is dead now. The other dude (Puck?) was arrested for doing illegal stuff on his computer, so not a great 3 years for these dudes singing.  It’s hard to ignore those things, but I’ll try to review the song itself.

It’s bad.

Today’s reviewer is Jenny Gorelick! Jenny Gorelick is a comedian/businesswoman/teen witch. Her improv teams Bronson at Reckless Theatre, Club Monika, and Panic! at Del Frisco's are all equally amazing, and she'd never pick a favorite. She hosts a monthly variety show, Jenny's Birthday Spectacular, at Legion Bar. Her next birthday is Monday, January 16 at 8:30pm! @jennygorelick

Jenny Gorelick: "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" has always been my least favorite of the Christmas cannon. I prefer a pop diva Christmas, and you can't convincingly belt this one out. The whole message of this song is a warning, bordering on a threat. This song has danger in it. Santa Claus knows everything about you, and he's coming for you. Like it or not.  Tears won't help you. Neither will pouting. WATCH OUT.

In that vein, I want to issue a warning to you, DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS COVER. This cover is infuriating. I've listened to it 23 times on Youtube at this point, and there is no turning back for me. But SAVE YOURSELVES. Heed my warning like I was a creepy old man wearing overalls by the gas station on the edge of the woods. Don't go down that road, group of hot teenagers. Don't go to that cabin. You'll be doomed.

From the get-go this cover is a LIE. It features artwork from Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas," but none of the gothic quirkiness, or charm. From then on it is disaster after disaster. The lyrics have been inexplicably changed to "He see you when you're sleeping. He know when you're awake. He know if you been badorgood." At first, I thought this couldn't be true. I'm hearing things. My headphones are faulty and cutting out the "s's." But no, I had to face the truth. Not only had this little punk rocker lead singer stolen from Tim Burton, but he is also anti-verbs in the singular. WHY!?

And even worse, I discovered, he is anti-double vowels. "So be gud for gudness-sake."

My head spinning, I had to find out more about this monster so I had no choice, but to go full Nancy Drew. I had already opened the door to the basement, and I had to go past the cobwebs of the internet to face the ultimate evil. And evil's face is Canadian teenager Janick Thibault, the punk behind Amasic, the band that made this cover. He has spiky, bleached blonde hair, two full sleeves of tattoos, and an affinity for scoop neck tank tops and filming videos in his living room in Canada. And he was born in 1994.

And Amasic. It's worse than I could have imagined. It is the combination of "Amazing + Music." CANADIAN TEENAGER JANICK THIBAULT IS ANTI-ADJECTIVES TOO. I ran out of there as fast as I could, but it's too late. Jack Thibault ruined Christmas.

I give this song 10/10 Naughty on a scale of Naughty or Nice.

Dylan Evans: I think I’ve mentioned this in previous years, but one year for Christmas, I asked for Alkaline Trio’s album “Good Mourning.” This album features the punk band Alkaline Trio, dressed in all black, in a graveyard, on the cover. My poor, loving parents got this album for my stupid 13 year old self, and honestly, I listened to that album a lot. It’s a pretty good album. Check it out.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town is not a complicated song. It’s a pretty standard song, and that’s part of the charm for these covers. It’s challenging to make it sound different and unique. The album “Punk Goes Christmas” does their best with the song. The album is so generic that it doesn’t even give me a band name. The YouTube uploader, one RockThisShitEscape, does provide it for me though, and it’s some band I’ve never heard of: Amasic. Terrible name.

This cover is pretty bad. It could be playing in a Jingle All The Way type movie scene where a bunch of Santas are chasing our hero through Chicago, or whatever that movie is about…I haven’t seen it in a while. Other than that, there isn’t much to report. It’s a generic punk cover from an album that is most likely sold at Hot Topic, a store where I bought many a black t-shirt in middle school and Tim Burton probably lives in the break room.

3/10 Nightmare Before Christmas T-Shirts

Today’s reviewer is Wynne Lewis! Wynne Lewis is a comedian and business lady living in Copenhagen, Denmark. She is a member of the indie improve/sketch team, Mister Sister and former host of The Rug Show at the Annoyance Theater. Currently taking a hiatus from comedy to get her MBA in sustainable business, she cannot stay away from the most beloved annual Christmas tradition: Dylan’s Christmas Song Reviews.  

Wynne Lewis: Honestly, I have to hand it to these young lads for delivering exactly the Christmas song I expected when hitting the play button on a band called “Twenty4Seven”. As evidenced by their craft, they are truly working that grueling grind that is the music business, twenty minutes a day, seven days a week.

At the heart of this pop-y yum yum cover is a solid brand of teenage innocence that goes hand in hand with American Christmas. I applaud this.

First off, their look is perfect. Are they all wearing wacky Christmas sweaters – the holiday uniform of Gen Y? No, and this tells us everything we need to know about the individual artists behind Twenty4Seven.

Technically only one is wearing a Christmas sweater, a young boy who can only be described as “Jean-Ralphio before his balls dropped”. This guy has confidence, and a chain that one can only hope has St. Nicholas on it; the patron saint of cool kids everywhere. The Bieber clone in the middle was sort-of onboard with the fun sweater idea but only had one with Penguins on it. “Close enough” he thought to himself as he donned it that morning, and ate a well-balanced breakfast of frosted mini-wheats and orange juice. Being in this band gives this kid such a thrill.

The other two could not give a shit about being fun and were proud of their choice to wear sophisticated man sweaters and Tyler Oakley hairdos. Someday these two will discover the sounds of Cream, Jimi Hendrix, and Eric Clapton and renounce their former lives as youtube pop idols. Their next Christmas cover will be “Happy X-Mas, War is over” in a raw acoustic cut.

Second, the sound quality is eerily excellent and makes me draw the immediate conclusion that someone’s older brother is the head of AV club. Well done, sir, well done. This crystal clear sound amplifies their baby angel voices: so sweet and so pure.  I feel like I am giving each of them a hearty high five as I listen along.  

In the end, this wholesome sploosh of teenage emotion truly belongs in the soundtrack of a Disney Channel original movie, earning it a high rating. However, the beloved Christmas song (originally written in 1934) has already been covered by the kings of boy pop, The Jackson 5 and Justin Bieber, so this cover does feel a bit redundant.

Please listen carefully at 1:20 for the pure and nervous giggle of a boy who is so excited to get this song recorded for his many adoring fans (his mom and Aunt Ruby). Enjoy!

Song Rating: 7

Dylan Evans: Oh man. High school bands. I remember my bands. We did covers of Death Cab for Cutie, Bloc Party, and other bands that produce music that high school bands should cover.  Twenty4Seven seems to be a group of four best buds who are all in their teens and have wealthy parents that can afford some sort of basement studio, ironic sweaters, and more hair gel than anyone could ever need in their life.

This pop-rock cover is one of the better ones we’ve heard though. It’s short, it’s fun, and it’s exactly what you expect Twenty4Seven to produce. I can only assume all these dudes have the same name (Chadwick), as evidenced by their singing of the word “Santa.” I think they’re British.

Just checked the YouTube description. Their names are Tristan, Rich, Nathan & Mike. Damn – I was so close. Anyway, Twenty4Seven comes up with a fun, poppy cover that if it was your own high school band, would you have you drowning in Sadie Hawkins Dance invitations.  Sadie Hawkins is when the girls ask the guys.

I can’t vouch for any of their original material (and, honestly, thank god), but if this song appeared on an Old Navy Christmas Mixtape, it’d be perfect.  These guys don’t deserve to be famous. They don’t really have the talent or skill to be a big band I don’t think. You’ll never brag to your friends in 10 years about how you saw these guys open up for Third Eye Blind and now they’ve conquered all the charts with their multi-platinum albums (Titles include “Dreaming of Now” and “Surrender to December”), but this cover is purely adequate, and that’s exactly what we can come to expect from our British musicians.

8/10 fluorescent bulbs in your mom’s basement

Today’s reviewer is Lizzy Furey!  Lizzy Furey is a comedy elf living in New York City. She does social media for a living and loves her personal twitter too much (@thedirtbird). She hosts a hip-hop music video countdown comedy show called YFCFB at Legion Bar every second Saturday, has a newsletter about sports, and hosts the Middle School Book Club podcast.  She is also selling a t-shirt of Rihanna Wearing a Shirt of Rihanna Wearing a Shirt with proceeds going to support Planned Parenthood! That shirt is below.

Lizzy Furey: Truly, we are blessed. This video is the reason for the season. This video is why people wake up every day in the month of December, giddy with anticipation for the 25th. This video represents the best of what the Christmas season has to offer—pure joy, familial support and love, and a noted lack of tackiness.

But let me back up for a second. This is a terrible song. Like most secular Christmas music, it is grating, ubiquitous, nonsensical, over-enthusiastic, and unnecessary. Like, is this supposed to be a propaganda tune for St. Nick? Some sort of warning? The song sounds so cheery but when you delve into the lyrics, it’s filled with threats and creepiness. The song itself gets a 1. But this video. It gets a 10. It makes me forget how much this song sucks.

This family is the greatest. I’ve never heard of them before, but what they are about, I am on board for. They are subtly charming, not over-bearing, not obnoxious. The Dad dancing at :08 fills my soul with warmth. I love that the kids just sit on a bench and sing and act out some of the words while doing so. I love that the little boy is wearing a blazer over a t-shirt. I love that he is perfectly coiffed. I love that the girls are wearing festive headbands. I love the set design. I love the Christmas decorations right next to the vase of tall, colorful wire butterfly sculptures—which I assume is a permanent fixture of their house. I LOVE THAT THE KIDS CLUTCH PILLOWS THE ENTIRE TIME. THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE PART.

I can only guess this family is trying to be some sort of pop sensation and I really hope that happens. I hope they do an international arena tour because I can only assume they would put on one hell of a live show. And I hope at the concert each song opens with the parents waving and saying something nice to the audience. Then they go back stage. Then the song ends and they come back out on stage and wave and say something nice. On and on for the whole show. These are the Von Trapps we need in this world.

This video falls under the category of things I would describe as “pure art.” The point of art, to me, is to find the shortcut to feeling. Art is supposed to be able to access emotion right away because we spend so much of our time as humans suppressing emotions in order to get stuff done. The emotion this art allows me to immediately access is joy. The world feels like a good place when I watch this. Humans are capable of so much goodness.

I echo the sentiments of Olivia Powell who, in the comments section of this video, exclaimed, “You guys should be a group and become famous!”

This song is a literal 10.

Dylan Evans: The Nelwans seem to be a family band that is singing to the karaoke version of Justin Bieber’s cover of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.” My family is a theatrical family. My father is an actor and director.  My mom is the costume designer for my dad’s theatre department at my old high school. My sister was an actor and a singer. I was also a singer and an actor and an improviser (basically a triple threat if you’re doing the math at home). I can’t tell you how happy I am that we were never in some sort of family band.

I will concede that at moments in our lives, my sister and I were in bands with my dad, but never were the four of us in a band together.  There is a big difference.  Do the Nelwans enjoy this?  It’s hard to tell.  They seem to be in their teens at least, and in my mind this probably their Christmas card: it’s something their parents are largely the force behind which they reluctantly agree to do.

The cover itself is fine. They aren’t amazingly fantastic singers admittedly. They’re trying their best to appear fun and goofy, but it’s hard to imagine these kids wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than filming this video.  Further, it does sound like they pre-recorded the song and aren’t singing live, which makes me think this might be part of some larger Nelwan Family CD that every single person in their rolodex will be receiving for Christmas.  Their harmonies are OK, and all three of the kids are decent singers, but it’s just a standard cover that doesn’t offer much in terms of innovation or excitement.

Today’s reviewer is Brady O’Callahan! Brady is a writer, comedian, and music glutton based in New York, but he’ll listen to music anywhere. He can be seen performing at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre or as Rick in the web series Business Work (yo, peep that Christmas special). He loves Christmas, Christmas music, and Dylan’s Christmas Cover Project. Follow him on twitter @bradyocallahan.

Brady O’Callahan: It’s not MattyB’s fault.

Let's just take care of that right off the bat. There’s a lot of people at fault here. Let’s dive into it:

Karaoke Inventor - You see, without the creation of karaoke, we wouldn’t have shitty midi/keyboard only instrumental versions of every B-grade song in existence. Without these ungodly, soulless tracks, we wouldn’t have this particular brand of terrible covers. I’m not even saying I hate karaoke. I love karaoke. I once saw a dude do a version of Creed’s “Higher” that blew the roof off the place. Sometimes you can turn dirt into gold. And other times you wind up with MattyBRaps.

Baby Justin Bieber - I mean, it’s a “cover” of a Justin Bieber song, but as far as I can tell MattyB uses the term “cover” very loosely. I checked out the original expecting Bieby Boy to outright embarrass himself on the track, and he just doesn’t. He for the most part does a pretty faithful rendition of a truly classic song. And it was made for Arthur Christmas, which is just ACES v good highly recommended. BUT, MattyB does seem to lift his entire persona from the YouTube era of Justin Bieber when Hush Little Bieby didn’t have an inkling of his own personality. Present day Ooooh Bieby I lLove Your Way Everyday gets a pass, but young one is on blast.

MattyB’s cousin - You fucking know what you did, dude. MattyB blew up your spot in that behind the scenes, so we all know who to blame. 

Elf-Magic dot com - I ain’t hot linking you for shit dudes. 

Cynicism - Why can’t shit just be magic anymore? If you are calling Santa a creep in a song, hang it up, YOU’RE DONE. Out of all the travesties in this song, this is the most unforgivable. Santa rules, dude. And you can’t blame Santa for any of this. Watch that extended behind the scenes. This Claus is a pro. 

I wanted to say that MattyB was probably some brat who didn’t even believe in Santa, but you can’t deny that uncomfortable OH SHIT IT’S HIM WHAT DO I SAY sway at 2:30. 

You can’t blame MattyB. 

It’s not MattyB’s fault.

1 out of 10 Bieby It’s Cold Outsides.

Dylan Evans: Jesus Christ.

Today’s reviewer is Erin Triplett! Erin is a writer and comedian who gets by taking care of children. At least that's what she keeps telling herself while constantly wondering what she's doing with her life.

Erin Triplett: When Dylan first sent this cover to me, without listening to it I wrote back "wow".  Because Wow indeed. First of all the song is now titled "Santa Claus is Coming to Funk Town"... Funk is a type of music that originated in the mid to late 1960s, when African-American musicians created a "rhythmic, danceable form of music through a mixture of soul music, jazz and rhythm and blues (R&B)" (wikipedia).  So basically this is black music, and this cover is a whole bunch of white dudes. Wow.

When I picture these kind of white people playing funk music, I think of them doing the "white man's overbite", nodding while the play because keeping rhythm is extra difficult and often playing with their mouth open and making extra excited phases while they play. All of that is in this cover video.

I'm 100% sure if the dudes in this video are straight,  they think girls aren't into them because they are too nice. And they think they are owed something because they identify as feminist. If they are gay, they are annoyingly unaware of their white male privilege.

Am I writing a review of this song or of most of the men I went to college with? A little from column A, a little from column B.

Overall I also just don't like this cover. They add nothing new to this, and it's the epitome of white people who can't play funk. It may also be because these are (I think) college aged white boys who haven't experienced much life yet. I think to really get funk, to get R&B you have to KNOW emotion. Like really know it. That's why Adele works! You go through that heartbreak with her, and you're like yeah, and you feel it, and you feel less alone.

Musically, gah, there's just nothing here.

And now I have a need to pick with this song. Don't tell me not to cry. This song is about policing people's emotions and that is not okay. The song implies that because Santa Claus is coming to town, we should not cry or shout. What if we are Jewish and Santa Claus coming to town is a reminder of something we aren't a part of? What if Santa Claus is a friend who once told us they had feelings for us then started acting weird? What if our Dad used to play Santa and he left for a pack of cigarettes and never came back? What if Santa never cast us in his web series though he kept promising too? What if we have clinical depression and we're just in a bad place and Santa coming into town isn't gonna snap us out of this funk? I give this cover one out of one sad Charlie Brown Christmas Trees.

Dylan Evans: Well Jacob McCaslin warned us in the title, this would be a funky cover.  Jacob called this song “Santa Claus Is Coming to Funk Town.” If there’s a criticism for this cover (and there are dozens), it’s not funky enough can’t be one.  Nothing beats a bunch of white dudes playing funk music.

Berklee College of Music is regarded as one of the best colleges for music in the world.  Their mascot is Mingus the Jazz Cat. With that being said, you can assume that these dudes are some of the best people alive at their instrument.  And true, they’re pretty good at their instruments I guess.

One big criticism, though, is Jacob’s voice. It’s safe to assume that Jacob McCaslin didn’t get into Berklee for his voice.  His voice is grating and annoying. He tries so dang hard to sound smooth, smoky, and funky, and it is painful.  His attempts include forced riffs that are brutal.

I’ve seen my fair share of funk and jazz shows because I’m a good friend. I have some friends who are pretty dang good at music too, and it is a real treat to see them perform.  Watching Jacob McCaslin and his friends perform felt less like a treat, and more like a trick.  “Santa Claus Is Coming to Funk Town” is a disappointing cover, and Jacob should spend more time at Berklee on singing lessons.  Unless they don’t have singing lessons.  In my mind, I imagine JK Simmons throwing a cymbal at his face, though, and it’s oddly satisfying.

Today’s reviewer is Michael Short!  Michael Short has been performing improv for about 17 years. He’s trained with the UCB, Magnet, Second City and The Annoyance, and has performed for Second City Theatricals. You can find him around town performing with his musical improv group, Orphan Alley, or teaching independent improv classes through the brand-new Improv Refinery. 

Michael Short: From the beginning of this video, in which the sound cuts in a half-note too late, to the boys saying “frown” instead of “pout,” all the way to the uninspired straight-up chorus-verse repetition (there are more verses!), I did not like this cover.

I’m glad this pop punk band took time off from their other shitty covers (Hoobastank? Sixpence None The Richer? Really?) and getting off to A Simple Plan to record this song in their parents’ rec room. This is exactly the kind of squeaky-clean, tinny, more-pop-than-punk music I expect two doughy white guys to make. It is simply so non-disagreeable... there’s nothing about it to hate! Those harmonies are impeccable! The guitar is sweet and balanced! It’s bright and technically proficient and sung by inoffensive smiling faces! Styles like this make My Chemical Romance sound like powerhouses of raw carnal energy by comparison. The Fiasco is available to play your wedding or Sweet Sixteen in the Leeds & Wakefield area (That's true, I looked it up_. Is it me? Maybe I’m turning 37 in less than two weeks and I just don’t get it anymore. Maybe another Christmas is rolling around and I’m reminded once again of the inexorable march of time. Maybe a lot is changing in my life, and I just feel older all of a sudden, and two fresh-faced boys in their 20s singing a happy tune just isn’t helping. I’ll be okay, I think.

The only reason I don’t completely hate on it ratings-wise is because they may have led me, inadvertently, to another band to check out. A quick Internet search reveals that this acoustic duo shares the name with a much more interesting Brooklyn-based hardcore nerd punk band. I listened to a few of their songs instead and kinda liked it, so I guess I’m not completely dead inside.

5/10 Stars

Dylan Evans: Fair warning.  This cover is pretty annoying. These two dudes who are apparently known as The Fiasco provide an acoustic cover that is FINALLY two white dudes and a guitar. The cover they do though is frankly at the very edge of their vocal ranges, so these dudes are stretching a lot.  Don’t get me wrong – they are hitting the notes, so I’ll give them credit for that, but who boy, are they so very close to cracking that it makes you wince every time it happens.

Otherwise, the two dudes provide a pretty lifeless and boring cover in two dumb sweaters. Hey – these covers can’t all be huge winner or huge losers.  This one is a subtle loss that I don’t really care about. It’s just boring as hell.  

This cover feels like watching a holiday, office talent show. You’re forced to watch and then politely applaud at the end because Derrick is your coworker and he refills the Keurig water reservoir, but you would never go see his band at a bar especially if it has a $10 cover. But then again, he did come to The Triple Crown that one time to see your improv group perform and a concert has got to be a little less annoying than an improv show, right?. Alright if you’re free, maybe you’ll make it, but we’ll have to see if you can convince the girlfriend to go. Oh wait? There’s a two-drink minimum, too?  Yeah – I just remembered I can’t make it.

Today’s reviewer is Corinne Caputo! Corinne is a writer/actor/comedian in NYC. Her first book, a self-help parody for writers, How to Success: A Writer's Guide to Fame and Fortune, is now available for preorder! Her web series, Life, After, about two ghosts navigating the afterlife is also available to watch at lifeafterseries.com

Corinne Caputo: Santa Claus is Coming To Town is such a creepy song to begin with. I'm sure that point has been or is going to be brought up at length in these reviews, but there is something particularly creepy about a group of children singing about a man who watches them sleep, even if it is a pop song. You know how children sometimes say creepy shit about their past lives, or wars they fought in but couldn't possibly know anything about, or how there is a ghost behind you? This cover is that uneasy feeling times one thousand, but packaged like a fun party jam.

That said, I do appreciate the enthusiasm these nameless children inject into the recording. They took a usually boring song and brought a much-needed freshness to it. Perhaps it is because they are so young that this song is still new to them. Anyway, this is my least favorite Christmas song, but I didn't HATE listening to this cover. To quote a YouTube comment on this very video that reads like a Trump tweet, "I love your music so much better than anyone else."

Also isn't the whole point of Kidz Bob for children to sing G rated version of otherwise PG+ rated songs? Christmas songs are already G rated. What is the point of this? To make money off the sounds of kids and pre-teens singing about Santa? Disney already does that with all of their Disney Channel stars, and they do it better. Don't @ me.

10/10 (but only because I am afraid the children will show up at the foot of my bed in the middle of the night if I don't)

Dylan Evans: Here’s what’s so weird about Kidz Bop songs.  Who the hell are these kids? It’s not like they’re a band where you know exactly who these people are.  If N*Sync is recording a song, you know who ya got.  You got Justin Timberlake. You get Big Fat Greek Wedding. You get dumb haircut. You get black-haired Justin Timberlake. And then you get Lance Bass.

With Kidz Bop though, they’re just like a commune of random pre-teens that are nameless.  Who knows if the kids shown on the YouTube video are even the ones singing. This is terrifying. These kids (or kidz as they apparently demand to be called) are probably the product of demanding stage parents who drag them to audition after audition and force feed them Red Bull and Pixie Sticks to make sure they land the part.  This isn’t who I want singing my Christmas carols.

Some more thoughts.  The Kidz Bop official YouTube channel lists the recording artist as Kidz Bop Kids.  Yep – that’s right. Kids is in the band name twice, but spelled differently.  What’s the difference?  Who the hell know.  I’ve been thinking about it (probably too much if I can be honest) and it makes absolutely no sense.  The only hypothesis is that “Kidz Bop” is some sort of corporate overlord that chains children to microphones and demand they sing the latest Jason DeRulo single before they get their gruel. Yikes.

The saddest thing about this cover, though, (and trust me – there’s a lot of sad things) is probably that the parents of the kids who recorded this cover probably screamed at these kids in the back of the Range Rover, “SANTA WON’T COME THIS YEAR IF YOU DON’T LEARN YOUR LINES?!”

Today’s reviewer is Kevin Bauer!  Kevin is co-producer of LO-FI NYC, a monthly comedy show at Under St. Marks.

Kevin Bauer: These boys know how to have fun. I mean, Memory? Fucking jam. All-time classic. Sugarcult's got nothing to prove here. But they have fun anyway, and that's what I love about them.

If we're being realistic, this song was made for one reason, and that's to play in the background of a subpar Christmas movie scene introducing us to a rough-and-tumble 11-year-old protagonist who may or may not be on the naughty list. He's on the cusp of becoming a man, he's not sure if he believes in all this Santa Claus business anymore, and the actor had frosted tips even before he was cast. But outside of a skullcap, some flames on his Fox-brand clothes and a messy room with a Mortal Kombat poster somewhere, we know he's not that much of a threat. This is a Christmas movie, after all.

All of the above is an attitude perfectly summed up by this song. Crunchy guitars but the same old message, you've got nothing to fear: it's still Christmas. And that's okay, because even though I'll probably never listen to this song again, it's all 11-year-old me would have wanted.

9/10

Dylan Evans: First of all, RIP Sugarcult who is on a permanent hiatus and has been since 2011. Second of all, Sugarcult released their debut album in 1999. So that’s a solid 12 years where they were kicking it old-school.  We’re talking pop-punk at its finest. The Warped Tour. Vans shoes. Hot Topic. Tattoos. Etc.

Sugarcult might not be a pop-punk powerhouse like Blink 182, Sum 41, or any other band that has a number at the end of their name, but hey, these guys are ripping up this cover.

The fun thing about pop-punk is that teenagers who have very little talent and/or experience can rip up the genre thanks to one thing: power chords. Sugarcult employs all the power chords they can and boy, howdy, are they fresh.  They even have a terrible guitar solo in the middle of the song, like any great pop-punk song does.

This cover is definitely not perfect. It’s about as standard of a cover as you can get, but the genre is so much fun that it’s hard to not like this cover.  It takes you right back to middle school. Like everybody, I assume, I had a terrible middle school experience.  It straight up sucked, and the only thing that got me through it was The Simpsons and pop-punk.  I must’ve listened to Blink 182’s “Enema of the State” 6,000 times.  Admittedly, I never got into Sugarcult, but they sound fun and they sound competent.

That’s about all I can say about this cover.  It is fun.  It is competent.