get those abs off of him

society has genuinely moved past the need for christopher nolan

"you were always such a good kid! we never had to worry about you :)" thanks! you actually should've, though. like about this specifically

Stop moaning and arching your back - this is an autopsy!

huh. everyone really forgot that the internet is for porn

They found the last golden ticket . So that’s just it then . Fuck my stupid horrible pathetic life. Cabbage soup for dinner again , my stupid mothtsr. Grandpa Joe said he’s sorry but I know he doesn’t really give a fuck . And who gives a fuck about the other three old people in my house . Whatever their names is. Fuck fuck fuck it’s all worthless . They even made fun of me at school for only buying like 3 wonka bars. Nepo pricks . Fuck my stupid life it’s all fucked it’s all fucked . And my last name is bucket

making every conversation into being about The Character with the same reliability and conviction of a youth pastor going “you know who else partied? our lord and savior”

“You can’t fix him” I don’t wanna fix him! I wanna FUCK him! I’m a pervert not a psychologist!

the procrastinator’s mind will invent distractions you’ve never conceived of in order to avoid tasks even a dog could do.