Dyingfricktard

he lets me hit bc i say shit like ‘alas’

oh fuck my sexual fantasy has a plot hole in it *starts over*

who the fuck made this post

just saw a post written by a very kind and tolerant person politely explaining in detail why it is rude to listen to music/watch stuff on your phone in public without earbuds. I'm glad people patient enough to do that exist, since the only explanation I could possibly offer is "because you aren't the protagonist of this grocery store"

why don't u

because if I wore these underwear the universe would conspire to constantly put me in situations where my pants would get pulled down or destroyed and it’s so hard to find good pants

sorry i didn't respond im losing my fucking mind

You seem to know everything

As I grow older I feel my capacity to understand that Miss Piggy is not a real person reached a peak in my adolescence and is now on a steady decline. I watched a Wendy Williams interview and there's this part that's like "can we get a ring cam!" and Miss Piggy shows her bling and I'm just like fuck she's so iconic. Miss Piggy who are you wearing? Miss Piggy have you ever considered running for office??

Like literally every time I see Miss Piggy there's a period where I need to readjust to the fact that it's not a person, and I feel that period is getting longer and longer with every instance

It's not just the audience; professional journalists, hosts, and actors report it is legitimately difficult to not see the Muppet as a person, and it is, in fact, incredibly easy to interview or act with them once the performer gets properly set up.

Like that one time they couldn't figure out why Kermit's audio was so garbage... then realized they'd put the mic on him instead of the performer.

I did an interview with Gonzo one time, and when I got into the Zoom call, it was the actor on screen trying to figure out his audio. And then once he did, he went like “OKAY!” and then just like dove to the floor and it was Gonzo and there was never a moment when I doubted that the dude was just Gonzo’s tech guy 

Did you step on it?

I forgot it was there & stepped on it, plummeting through the concealed trapdoor into the cellars. Please send help.

I can’t see anything! It’s pitch black down here. All that’s visible is my eyes.

Just make sure there isn’t a second, more dangerous pair of eyes somewhere around yours