I think I made you up inside my head

My body has never been mine

I keep trying to give it away

Take it, its yours, I want you to have it

I have never known what to do with it

I was given this body with a spirit and a soul and a heart that beats and a brain that thinks

Why was it given to me?

What did I do to deserve something this special

Why did I choose to ignore its value until forty eight years later

Even now, why do I still give into what my brain says my body wants instead of taking the time to give it what it needs

Im educated

Im smart

I know better

Yet, here am giving it to any man who says :you’ll do:

Just hoping one of them will see my worth,

The worth I know I have within

And take it and say :ill take yours if you take mine:

And we can follow each other around,

And make each other laugh

And smile in each others faces

And kiss passionately

And tenderly

And gingerly

And endlessly

And deeply

And long

And forever

But this world is not so romantic anymore

You can’t convince me it never was, all of what has survived in written word from before the last 100 years shows me there are men capable of that kind of love

A love not afraid to say so

Not afraid to let go

Not afraid to show the world, my art, my muse, my desire

Is more than what you think of me or think of her

Only her and I exist on this planet, in this galaxy, in this universe.

The rest of our are in our orbit

But, in her world, in my world, its not real

Its all made up

It's like she said “I thinkI made you up inside my head”

I am not perfect

You don’t want me like I want you to want me

I can’t stand it

I keep longing for it

I try to fight it and it comes back over and over

Why is it okay for a man to have this fiery passion

But a woman is needy and clingy and desperate

I am none of those things

I have those qualities just like anyone else

Im jealous, and narcissistic, and shallow

But I am also loving and kind and polite and deeply passionate about humanity

I was born with the same earthy qualities as you

So why am I this dumb girl for longing for you when you are over there

Too good for me

Too handsome for my plainness

Too chiseled for my voluptuousness

Too shallow to see how who I really am

Im just a token white girl

Who fell for a brown boy

Almost 3 decades ago

And now, I am stuck in a loop of waiting for him to realize our love is real

Or to move on and hope that they are just as good as the man I made up in my mind

The truth is I don’t know you, maybe I never did

Maybe but I don’t care

My heart is so blocked up with made up feelings for you that I can’t even see that someone else might really care about me

Not just want to make sure they still have access to me

I can’t even form real connections with other people because I think that I am broken

But I’m not, I’m whole

Its not your fault

Its no ones fault

I signed up for this

I am fighting like hell to get out of this hell

There are people out there who may be against me

But I am pro-me

I cannot be stopped, I can only get stuck

But if I get stuck its my own fault and my responsibility to get myself unstuck

I want my heart

I need my heart

I love my heart

It cares deeply

It weeps for love, and pain, and suffering, and happiness, and sorrow and joy

It feels everything deeply and passionately

It loves to love

It longs t o love

It longs to be seen by someone other than herself an the very few who even see just a small glimmer of what she hides inside

Please don’t stop me anymore

I am talking to me, you know

I know it seems like I blame you but I blame me

You don’t have the power to stop me, but you do have the power to move me

You just choose not to

You have your own life and I have fought like hell to protect that

I have lied about loving you for so long

I cannot lie to myself anymore

I know that I need to tell myself the truth

Everyday

No more lies, no more self betrayal at the thought of some magical otherworldly connection

That hides in the darkness

The magic is there, I can’t lie about that

But it only lives with me and I need to face that fact

If someone really loves me the would not make me hold onto something

That isn’t real or that comes and goes as it pleases, leaving me waiting with bated breath

I know our bodies are meant to be together

The dreams prove it

I keep feeling like if I start to take better care of myself its because I’m supposed to fit some body type that will appeal to you

Then what? you fall for a version of me that has only existed a few short times in my life

My body has been up and down the scale for years and years.

When we met, it was in its prime

Then I beat it to shit for years and years trying to impress people who I do not ever care to see again as long as I am alive

Maybe its because I’m embarrassed of who I was

Maybe its because I’m embarrassed of who they were and that I let them be in my life

But I have always tried to see the light in others, even if all they sold me or showed me was their dark

The dark loves the light

My light is mine

No one can take it now

It is protected

Inside my vessel

In this sacred temple

Where no one can touch it

Except for me

Unless I open it

And that will take an act of goddesses to be done

So farewell, my handsome prince. My feet are too swollen for your slipper

It’s like trying to make sense of nonsense.

https://Fiverr.com/emmanuel_para

Remember your happy memories hold them fondly

Also remember, but don’t dwell in, the reason why you left

Don’t use those memories as an excuse to reenter a toxic relationship

It’s OK to remember the toxic people we loved with love, it’s not OK to let them keep hurting us