When my last post went up, my father had some very interesting things to say in response to it. To make a long, ridiculous, dramatic situation a little more readable, I have decided to post a follow-up about what an abuser's tactics look like in the real world. This is from observation, not from empirical evidence, although I'm sure if you looked at any research on abusers out there it would likely come up with the same or similar results. When a victim suddenly decides to speak up or stand up for themselves, the abuser will often use the following strategies to keep them silent or a victim. Here they are, in no particular order:
1. The Guilt Trip: The abuser accuses the victim of betraying them or their family by telling others about the abuse (do you really want to be responsible for betraying your whole family like that? You will be the reason this family is torn apart).
2. The Pass-the-Blame: The abuser tells the victim that if they had done something differently, then the abuser would not have been forced to do [insert abuse here]. It's really because the victim deserved it, therefore it's not the abuser's fault (you shouldn't have been so disrespectful).
3. The Shame Card: The abuser tries to make the victim feel as though the abuse was a result of the victim having something horribly wrong with them (usually the thing that is "wrong" is something that is a normal part of life or something the victim cannot control, such as gaining weight, or looking a certain way physically).
4. The Diversion: The abuser uses their own past abuse as a way to make the victim feel bad for the abuser (look at all of the things I have suffered! Feel bad for me, because my life is/was terrible). This can also be used on a public forum to try to gain the attention/empathy of anyone who may have initially shown support to the victim. It is meant to distract from the actual situation of abuse.
5. The Bold-Faced Lie: The abuser flat out denies whatever the victim says, and states that there was no way that could have happened. Sometimes this is accompanied by a statement of what "really" happened.
6. The Gaslight: The abuser tries to make the victim feel like they don't know what reality is (you don't remember that event correctly, that wasn't what happened, you are imagining things). This one usually goes hand-in-hand with the bold-faced lie, and the person who attempts this tactic is usually a very convincing liar.
7. The Poor Me: The abuser talks about how terrible things were for him/her during the time of the abuse, and then uses it as an excuse for the behavior (I was going through such a difficult time, you can't hold me responsible for my actions because of [insert excuse]). This may or may not include the abuser stating that they are dying or will be dying soon.
8. The Downplay: The abuser pulls out their own victim status from the past and either compares their experience to their current victim's experience to play down the abuse (you have no idea how good you have it, look at what I went through).
9. The "Love" Tactic: The abuser tries to convince the victim that they only did [insert abuse] because they loved them, and were trying to make sure the victim had "discipline."
10. The Reluctant Admittance: The abuser reluctantly admits to doing said abuse, but dismisses it as "not a big deal," or states that they don't understand why everyone is acting like it's an issue. This one usually comes with a recounting of events that includes some truth and some lies, so the victim's memory of the events begin to be twisted. For example, in my father's case, he recounted lots of events that I allegedly did during my childhood. Some were true, but between the truths were a mixture of things that my siblings had done, or things that were completely fabricated entirely. This is meant to make the victim begin to question if they really did deserve the abuse they suffered. If the victim is a female, often the abuser will pull out misogynistic statements as to why the victim is overreacting to such a commonplace, normal event (Is this some female thing? Are you on your period, and that is why you are doing this to me?).
All of these things are tactics that are meant to silence the victim and keep the abuser as the person with the upper hand. One of the trademarks of abuse is to keep the victim from being able to talk to anyone about what has happened, as they might find support, and the silence keeps the victim in isolation, which deepens the effect of the abuse. Once the victim finds a voice, the abuser no longer has any power over them, and, at its core, abuse is about power and control.
If you have any other tactics that you have observed abusers use to keep their victims from being heard, please feel free to add them here. This list goes well with a family power and control wheel:
http://familyvio.csw.fsu.edu/online-dv-tutorials/cbt-wic-staff/chapter-1/the-power-and-control-wheel/
*I would like to note that although I have suffered much abuse in my life, I am no longer a victim and have become a survivor. I have dealt with much of my trauma through therapy and other strategies, and I have been writing on these topics because I feel as though they need to be known and heard, and I want to provide support to others who have gone through difficult situations in life.
I also want to note that I don't believe that abusers are all terrible people. Often they have lots of complex trauma in their past, and have undergone extremely painful and difficult things. However, the moment a victim becomes a perpetrator, they must be held responsible for their actions, and when an adult has children, they have even more of a responsibility to deal with their issues so they don't affect their children. Abusers have worth and value as people just as victims do, but they do not have a right to continue to abuse.