Of Dust and Nations

When my last post went up, my father had some very interesting things to say in response to it. To make a long, ridiculous, dramatic situation a little more readable, I have decided to post a follow-up about what an abuser's tactics look like in the real world. This is from observation, not from empirical evidence, although I'm sure if you looked at any research on abusers out there it would likely come up with the same or similar results. When a victim suddenly decides to speak up or stand up for themselves, the abuser will often use the following strategies to keep them silent or a victim. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. The Guilt Trip: The abuser accuses the victim of betraying them or their family by telling others about the abuse (do you really want to be responsible for betraying your whole family like that? You will be the reason this family is torn apart).

2. The Pass-the-Blame: The abuser tells the victim that if they had done something differently, then the abuser would not have been forced to do [insert abuse here]. It's really because the victim deserved it, therefore it's not the abuser's fault (you shouldn't have been so disrespectful).

3. The Shame Card: The abuser tries to make the victim feel as though the abuse was a result of the victim having something horribly wrong with them (usually the thing that is "wrong" is something that is a normal part of life or something the victim cannot control, such as gaining weight, or looking a certain way physically).

4. The Diversion: The abuser uses their own past abuse as a way to make the victim feel bad for the abuser (look at all of the things I have suffered! Feel bad for me, because my life is/was terrible). This can also be used on a public forum to try to gain the attention/empathy of anyone who may have initially shown support to the victim. It is meant to distract from the actual situation of abuse.

5. The Bold-Faced Lie: The abuser flat out denies whatever the victim says, and states that there was no way that could have happened. Sometimes this is accompanied by a statement of what "really" happened.

6. The Gaslight: The abuser tries to make the victim feel like they don't know what reality is (you don't remember that event correctly, that wasn't what happened, you are imagining things). This one usually goes hand-in-hand with the bold-faced lie, and the person who attempts this tactic is usually a very convincing liar.

7. The Poor Me: The abuser talks about how terrible things were for him/her during the time of the abuse, and then uses it as an excuse for the behavior (I was going through such a difficult time, you can't hold me responsible for my actions because of [insert excuse]). This may or may not include the abuser stating that they are dying or will be dying soon.

8. The Downplay: The abuser pulls out their own victim status from the past and either compares their experience to their current victim's experience to play down the abuse (you have no idea how good you have it, look at what I went through).

9. The "Love" Tactic: The abuser tries to convince the victim that they only did [insert abuse] because they loved them, and were trying to make sure the victim had "discipline."

10. The Reluctant Admittance: The abuser reluctantly admits to doing said abuse, but dismisses it as "not a big deal," or states that they don't understand why everyone is acting like it's an issue. This one usually comes with a recounting of events that includes some truth and some lies, so the victim's memory of the events begin to be twisted. For example, in my father's case, he recounted lots of events that I allegedly did during my childhood. Some were true, but between the truths were a mixture of things that my siblings had done, or things that were completely fabricated entirely. This is meant to make the victim begin to question if they really did deserve the abuse they suffered. If the victim is a female, often the abuser will pull out misogynistic statements as to why the victim is overreacting to such a commonplace, normal event (Is this some female thing? Are you on your period, and that is why you are doing this to me?).

All of these things are tactics that are meant to silence the victim and keep the abuser as the person with the upper hand. One of the trademarks of abuse is to keep the victim from being able to talk to anyone about what has happened, as they might find support, and the silence keeps the victim in isolation, which deepens the effect of the abuse. Once the victim finds a voice, the abuser no longer has any power over them, and, at its core, abuse is about power and control.

If you have any other tactics that you have observed abusers use to keep their victims from being heard, please feel free to add them here. This list goes well with a family power and control wheel:

http://familyvio.csw.fsu.edu/online-dv-tutorials/cbt-wic-staff/chapter-1/the-power-and-control-wheel/

*I would like to note that although I have suffered much abuse in my life, I am no longer a victim and have become a survivor. I have dealt with much of my trauma through therapy and other strategies, and I have been writing on these topics because I feel as though they need to be known and heard, and I want to provide support to others who have gone through difficult situations in life.

'Menstrual Man' Had An Idea To Help Indian Women

by Nishat Kurwa

October 14, 2013 2:08 PM

Arunachalam Muruganantham had his light bulb moment when he was 29 years old, and holding a sanitary napkin for the first time.

Examining the cotton pads he was buying as a gift for his new wife, the Indian entrepreneur realized that the multinational company that produced them was probably spending cents on raw materials, and making a huge profit.

Women in Muruganantham's village in Tamil Nadu, including his wife, would often forego these expensive pads for rags they used repeatedly through their cycles. Even more uncomfortably, sometimes they utilized husks or leaves during menstruation.

The exorbitant cost of the foreign-made pads cut into their families' meal budget. Given a choice between fresh pads and fresh milk, they chose the latter.

A new movie, , documents how, at great personal cost, Muruganantham created a to address for rural women on the subcontinent. But, as director Amit Virani points out, the product's traction may have more to do with than with health concerns.

The moment I knew pornography had cast its shadow over the lives of ordinary teenagers will live with me for ever, writes MARTIN DAUBNEY.

https://copp.asu.edu/college-news/research-docs/invisible-offenders-a-study-estimating-online-sex-customers

  New study helps estimate online sex advertisement usage

“Invisible Offenders: A Study of Online Sex Customers,” a study concluded this month by a team of researchers from ASU’s School of Social Work, Office of Sex Trafficking Intervention Research with assistance from the Phoenix Police Department, developed a model to estimate the number of customers contacting online sex advertisements.  This model was applied by placing decoy online sex ads on escort services classified websites in fifteen cities.  The ads received 677 contacts, calls and texts and the researchers collected distinct phone numbers of 451 online sex ad customers.  Population estimates were created for all 15 cities with Phoenix having an estimated 78,412 online sex ad buyers with a range from Houston with 169,920 to San Francisco with 9,594.  The researchers created a probability estimate for each city using this number and found that on average, approximately one out of every 20 males over the age of 18 in a metropolitan city area is potentially soliciting online sex ads.  The findings ranged from approximately one out of every five males in Houston, (21.4%) or using a more conservative estimate of 13.8%, one out of every seven males, to less than one of 166 males in San Francisco (.6%). 

This study was funded by Thorn: Digital Defenders of Children and led by Dominique Roe-Sepowitz, an associate professor and Director of the Office of Sex Trafficking Intervention Research, along with her research partner, Lieutenant James Gallagher of the Phoenix Police Department’s Vice Enforcement Unit and the STIR office research team. The team placed decoy ads online in 15 cities at two different times to collect information about calls and texts from potential online sex buyers.  The cities, all of whose police departments were made aware of the study included: Atlantic City, Boston, Baltimore, Chicago, Houston, Kansas City, Las Vegas, Miami, Minneapolis, New York City, Phoenix, Portland, San Diego, San Francisco and Salt Lake City.

According to the authors, the purpose of this study, the first of a series on prostitution demand, was to contribute to the field of demand research.  The intention of this study is to inform law enforcement, advocacy groups and policy makers about the scope of this illegal behavior and to begin a dialogue about how to best integrate this new information into the demand reduction activities currently being implemented.  This study should be viewed as a first step in an ongoing attempt to understand the “demand side” of the sex industry.  

"This research will assist law enforcement to address gaps in operational knowledge as to the scope of demand, the increasingly technological nature of solicitation, and the impact of demand as a driving force in the sex trafficking culture.   As a tool to facilitate greater understanding for law enforcement, knowledge such as this will prove to be essential as we continue to provide victim centered services through proactive investigations and strive to hold all victimizers, both traffickers and john's, accountable” said Lieutenant James Gallagher.

The researchers used an ecological sampling technique called capture/recapture, which has been used for sixty years to estimate the density of wildlife populations and more recently for drug use and diabetes rates in specific geographic areas.  Using this sampling and modeling method, the study created a probability estimate for the total size of the online sex ad customer population based on the exposed male population in 15 U.S. cities. "We currently know very little about the scope of the demand for sexual services online. This study represents a much needed effort in using quantitative and statistical methods for estimating this population” said Lauren Martin, PhD, Director of Research at the Urban Research Outreach Engagement Center of the University of Minnesota. 

The below table provides the percentage estimates and population count of male solicitors of online sex ads.

The research team included Dr. Roe-Sepowitz and Lieutenant James Gallagher and:

A two-day special sex trafficking operation, “Project Rose,” aimed to help nearly 100 people picked up off the streets of Phoenix.