dumb dog with a dumb blog

i started cutting when i was eleven i think, i mainly used this pocket knife that an ex abuser gave to me as a birthday present, but when my parents found out they took it away from me obviously and i dont think ive had it since i was maybe 12 or 13. later they ended up taking away another pocket knife for the same reasons and i was forced to use kitchen knives when no one was home and sewing needles and thumb tacks. i relapsed recently after being clean for over six months i think which is probably the longest ive been clean since i was 11 and went looking for that knife because nothing else was doing the job. it was very easy to find, im not sure why i didnt look earlier, but the feeling makes me feel twelve again hiding from my friends and family in the bathroom and trying not to stain my hoodies. its so much different than anything else ive used. its so smooth and sharp so the pain doesnt hit til after, its not jagged like thumb tacks and nail clippers, its the exact feeling i need and i cant get enough of it. i dont know. everyone thinks im better. im too ashamed to tell my therapist. i dont even really want to stop. at least im not addicted to drugs or alcohol. everythings easier when it hurts.