#disabled vent

Well maybe I don’t WANT to work double as hard as abled people!! Maybe I deserve a BREAK!! Maybe I’ve been working MORE THAN double as hard for MY WHOLE LIFE and it’s led me to immense burnout & caused me to develop several MORE disabilities!! Maybe I should be ACCOMMODATED so I don’t have to KILL MY BODY AND BRAIN over trying to do what abled people can do!! Maybe I DON’T have to work double as hard!! Maybe if there’s the option to let me NOT work double as hard, I should have it, because I’m already working double as hard JUST TO SURVIVE!!

“Oh but nondisabled people will lie about being disabled to get benefits” I literally do not give a fuck about if a few genuine liars like that slip through the cracks here and there as long as it means it’s easier for actual disabled people to get insurance and other benefits instead of having to jump through all of these ridiculously invasive and disability unfriendly hoops that inherently require a system built by nondisabled people to determine if we as disabled people “deserve” help or not.

I’m tired.

I’m tired I can’t cook myself a meal anymore other than a sandwich or a microwave meal.

I’m tired I can’t draw or create very often anymore

I’m tired that even watching w tv episode is too much for me most days and that doom scrolling is the only thing I can do because it doesn’t require brain power to process everything.

I’m tired that I can’t go on a walk anymore and that even in my wheelchair going outside is fucking exhausting and it means that even though I have no food in to have dinner, I’m too tired to even go pick up food at the corner shop.

Im tired that I just spent a week with a friend and the whole time I was horrendously flaring, straight up thinking I had Covid because of how horrible I felt, and most of the time all we were doing was sitting there watching tv and that was just too much for my body to recover ???

I’m tired that even if I took my pain away I’d still just be as disabled because of my fatigue.

I hate that I know I shouldn’t push myself yet I still do because if I didn’t I would literally be doing nothing but then it means I am literally doing nothing the rest of the time- it’s like I flare even if I’m doing nothing it’s great.

I want to scream to the fucking sky about how shit it feels. I want someone to tell me hey yeah this really fucking sucks and this isn’t living and it’s okay you feel this way. I want the support I need and I can’t get it because of my living situation.

I’ve gone away for my mental health and instead it’s me getting worse because I’m alone and I can’t even get up to make a sandwich because it means I have to put on a binder and other steps because I’m in shared accommodation.

I’m also just, making things worse with people by being upset with them all because I just want someone to be there for me but then I don’t ask them to be there for me because I’m scared? Make it make sense lol