cuz a normal human being wouldn't need to pretend to be normal

"what do YOU guys call it"

"isn't it [insert time here] over there????"

"GO THE FUCK TO BED"

"good morning" (it's 6pm in your timezone)

"do you have/say [thing] over there"

Allow me, to the tips of your fingers and the ends of your feet

Explicit | 7 chapters | 46,597 words | Complete

Are you Chicken Me Out?

Explicit | series | 68,984 words | Complete

Oh, Karaage My Girl Likes Hot Chicken For You, Chicken Teriyaki Bang Bang Chicken, There Goes My Heart

But the Darkest Pit in Me

Multi-rated | series | 1,609 words | Not Complete

I'm what's left of when we swam under the moon They'll never know how I'd stared at the dark in that room Just as two laurels often have one root

Can I hide there too? Hide in the hair of him

Multi-rated | series | 146,123 words | Not Complete

I want your things in my room History of Touches We Swallow Little Lights Fortuna: Redux

i will wade out till my thighs are steeped in burning flowers

Explicit | series | 18,084 words | Not Complete

Cute, Kawaii, Hentaii Boobies, That Excites Me Let Me Suck on the Stems of Flowers You're My Baby, Say it to Me

I'm a fountain of blood, You're the bird on the brim

Explicit | 20 chapters | 130,170 words | Complete

Stay Gold

Yes, yes, yes. Yes!

Most of my fics (and chapters) are titled after song lyrics. The two biggest artist inspirations for me when writing my fics are Björk and Utada Hikaru.

Not only the lyrics of these artists' songs, but also the soundscapes of the songs fit Satoru and Suguru so well for me. It probably also helps that I first discovered these artists and listened to them a lot in the early to mid 2000s. Satoru, Suguru, and I share the same generation/age, so I personally understand what it was like being a teen/young adult during the same time they were teens/young adults.

If you've read my fic, Stay Gold, you'll see how every title is from a Hiki song. It's funny, so many people think I'm referencing, "Stay Gold, Ponyboy," from the Outsiders. I am not. The title is a reference to Hiki's song, "Stay Gold:"

English translation here:

Because I love you so much You don't have to worry about anything My darling, stay gold Please laugh innocently forever… The young boy hidden deep within your eyes Continues to entice my instincts Aah somehow, let it continue, good luck There will most likely continue to be Sad things ahead of us My darling, stay gold Because even getting hurt is important

Like...? I'm sorry, is that not perfectly Satoru's POV of Suguru? I linked a live version above. Please listen to it. It's gorgeous. Doesn't it just sound like Satoru and Suguru are outside in the Spring, the wind is blowing, just a faint coolness, but the sun is bright and warm, their arms leaning on a railing, and Satoru is looking discreetly at Suguru out of the corner of his eye? Suguru is looking off into the distance, his bangs moving in the wind, a faint smile on his lips, but it's tinged with a little sadness, both of them holding water bottles from the vending machine that are wet with condensation dripping down. And Satoru just thinks of being beside Suguru forever. And he aches because he wants to take that sadness away from Suguru?

THIS IS WHY I USE THESE SONGS.

Okay, but back to your actual question!

Yes! I used "Don't Think Twice" as the title for chapter 5 of Stay Gold actually. Because it is a great song for Satoru's POV imo. And that entire fic was of Satoru understanding that he loves Suguru, and that he must actively do something about it in order for it to thrive. Love alone is not enough. You can have the feeling of love for someone always and forever, and you still need to actively choose to love them. The verb.

When I write Satoru, which I find quite difficult!, I always like to write his feelings for Suguru as just there. He doesn't think about them/through them in the way that I write Suguru with his own feelings. Just like how our blood pumps through our veins and we don't need to do anything or think about it, Satoru loves Suguru. It just exists within him. And sometimes, when he's a teen, I'll even write that he doesn't consciously understand that he loves Suguru. Because it's constant and it exists within him without need for him to do anything about it.

But that's just his internal feelings. It doesn't impact his relationship with Suguru if he doesn't do anything about it. And, unfortunately, this means that Satoru is complacent and takes for granted the idea that Suguru is beside him. He doesn't even consider that Suguru could go anywhere. Until it's too late. This is actually a broader aspect of Satoru's character for me that I might write an analysis about. His arrogance due to his strength in the way that he often doesn't see that he's taking something for granted because things are so easy for him.

But, in chapter 5 of Stay Gold, they've graduated, they've grown up, and Satoru has matured. He understands now that he has to actively love Suguru for Suguru to feel loved. The exact same thing is true for Satoru in I'm a fountain of blood, You're the bird on the brim. Suguru has returned to him, and Satoru is going to ensure that Suguru stays with him this time. And further, that Suguru will be in his arms, not just beside him.

Lyrics for "Don't Think Twice:"

How did I live in a kingdom of thieves And people who say things they don't really mean, really mean You're only everything I ever dreamed Ever dreamed of, ever dreamed of You must be kidding me Did you really think I could say no? I want you for a lifetime So if you're gonna think twice Baby, I don't wanna know Baby, I don't wanna know Everything is just right But if you're gonna think twice Baby, I don't wanna know Baby, I don't wanna know I really don't get what everyone else believes So why do I say things I don't really mean, really mean I'm only crying 'cause I never dreamed It'd take this long Don't think twice Baby, don't think twice If you wanna take it to an even higher level All you gotta do is say the word, you know I'll follow If you wanna take it to an even higher level I don't, I don't mind If you wanna make it happen, nothing's impossible All you gotta do is say the word and walls will crumble If you wanna make it happen, nothing's impossible Kiss me once Kiss me twice Kiss me three times Cross the line Don't think twice Baby, don't think twice Kiss me once (If you wanna take it to an even higher level) Kiss me twice (All you gotta do is say the word, you know I'll follow) Kiss me three times (If you wanna take it to an even higher level) Cross the line Kiss me once (If you wanna make it happen, nothing's impossible) Kiss me twice (All you gotta do is say the word and walls will crumble) Kiss me three times (If you wanna make it happen, nothing's impossible) Be mine (I don't, I don't mind) Don't think twice Baby, don't think twice

I really love this,

"You must be kidding me Did you really think I could say no?"

for I'm a fountain because Suguru truly doubts and hesitates for so long. He isn't sure of Satoru's feelings for him, but Satoru has never had any hesitation or doubt. And he's holding his hand out, desperate for Suguru to finally take it.

And this?

"I'm only crying 'cause I never dreamed It'd take this long"

Please. I'm not crying, you're crying. Satoru was horrifically shocked by Suguru's defection. Not because he killed a village, not because he killed his parents, and not because he left the school. Yes, obviously those things shocked him and confused him because, to him, that's not Suguru. That's not the kind of person Suguru is, so it doesn't make sense for him to do. He can't even come up with an argument as to what would make Suguru do that. But he's not shocked morally. He's not thinking, "Suguru is evil and has done an evil thing!"

He's shocked that Suguru isn't standing by his side anymore. In Satoru's mind, such a thing was impossible to ever happen. The Suguru he knows wouldn't kill non-sorcerers, wouldn't kill his parents, and wouldn't leave school. So the shocking part is that the Suguru who is always supposed to be beside him, the Suguru that he always knows and understands, isn't there anymore. Truthfully, never actually existed.

And that is what I meant earlier by Satoru's arrogance. That he believed that Suguru would always be beside him. That he believed he would always know and understand Suguru. But that's not real. That's not what it means to be human. And Satoru, if he wants Suguru beside him, and wants to know and understand Suguru, has to actively work to do that/have that. Because humans are constantly in motion. Life is constantly in motion. Nothing just stays and never changes.

But once Suguru defected, it was a mountain for Satoru to climb to have Suguru again. And, as you know from the shower scene in chapter 11, Satoru cries once he reaches the summit.

Now, what I love so much about your ask, is that "Don't Think Twice" and "Chikai" are actually the same song. "Don't Think Twice" is the English version and "Chikai" the Japanese version. So the lyrics are completely different, but the instrumentation is the same. Which is SO PERFECT for Satoru and Suguru!

So they are sharing an experience together, getting back in each other's orbits, relearning familiar parts of each other and learning the new bits, but their thoughts are different because they are coming from different POVs.

SO SO SO good!

English translation for Chikai:

I don't know about fate But I've got no choice But to accept its existence now Am I really good enough like this? Hey, am I good enough? I don't want you to get my hopes up too much

This very day's without lies and falsehoods It's an ideal day for an eternal oath I don't need pretty flowers or witnesses Let's wear rings with the same colors I can't help but be annoyed It's so lame, but I wanna sleep Clinging to you every day I won't make promises any more Those are for making others happy What I say now isn't second-hand It's not a promise, but an oath I can't return to when I was a liar Let's go with rings with colors of the morning sun Let's dance, our heartbeats becoming one Let's celebrate being alive in this moment At times I can't hold back my tears But there's no deep meaning or anything special in them It's just that suddenly I recall the past (aah, I wanna cry) Light flows in from the opened door I want to stay by your side forever after this too There's been no other choice for me since long ago This very day's without past or precedence It's an ideal day for our oath I don't need pretty flowers or witnesses Let's wear rings with the same colors Kiss me once, kiss me twice Just once isn't enough Kiss me once, kiss me twice Please give me you Kiss me once, kiss me twice Kiss me three times Please Kiss me once, kiss me twice Please give me you Let's listen to the sound of the rising sun, shoulder-to-shoulder Let's make an oath to live together

As I briefly mentioned above, I write Suguru's POV of his love for Satoru very differently than I write Satoru's. For me, Suguru is an overthinking. An anxious thinker. He is thinking through his feelings for Satoru in detail. He is thinking through what's possible and what isn't possible, what he can do with Satoru, and how he can stay close to Satoru. I believe that in second year, before the Star Plasma Vessel, he'd slipped a little into Satoru's hubris and was letting himself believe that he didn't have to think about it. The softly proud and unquestioning way Suguru smiles when he tells Amanai that he and Satoru are the strongest gives me that impression.

After a full year by Satoru's side, getting comfortable at school, feeling the euphoria of being the strongest with Satoru, Suguru was buying into Satoru's belief that they could just exist like that forever without much thought. But Toji's gunshot ripped right through that delusion. And Suguru plummets after that. It's a slow plummet as it takes a full year, but he never stops falling after that gunshot.

In the beginning of I'm a fountain, Suguru is set in his belief that he will start his war and Satoru will fight against him. He's also set in the belief that Satoru has no desire for him on any level. Friendship or otherwise. He believes he burned that bridge completely. So when Satoru comes to his church, kisses him, touches him, keeps showing up, asks to keep meeting, Suguru is genuinely confused. He doesn't understand Satoru's motive for it, but he feels that he, himself, is too desperate and greedy to say no.

By the halfway point of the fic,

"But I've got no choice But to accept its existence now"

Suguru is starting to see it all differently now. He has no choice but to start to believe and accept Satoru's love for him. How can he disregard all of the evidence in front of him? But he's still scared. There was only one brief moment in the beginning of second year when he truly believed in the possibility of forever with Satoru. And that was immediately and violently dispelled in front of him.

"Am I really good enough like this? Hey, am I good enough? I don't want you to get my hopes up too much"

He's an anxious thinker, so, of course, there's the thought, what if I'm just seeing what I want to see? Especially after everything, how could Satoru truly want this? Want me?

Because I believe Suguru thought he destroyed any future of his relationship with Satoru that day on the sidewalk in Shinjuku. We know why Satoru was looking for Suguru after the village massacre. To talk to him. To understand. To get an explanation. To correct it and bring Suguru back.

But why did Suguru choose to see Satoru one last time?

He'd already fled and had Nanako and Mimiko with him safely. There was no reason for him to meet Satoru again. In fact, it was safer not to. What if Satoru did what he was "supposed" to do by jujutsu law and killed Suguru right then and there? So why did Suguru meet with him?

I think it was to cut the cord that bound them together. Suguru needed Satoru to know that Suguru was leaving and he wasn't coming back. He was choosing that. So Satoru wouldn't ever think there was a future where they would still be standing side by side. So...if Suguru believes he accomplished that, wouldn't it make sense that he worries now, all these years later about it? To him, he's holding the end of a cord that used to be connected to Satoru, and it's been severed by his own hand.

He doesn't initially understand that Satoru never let that cord be cut back then. It takes two to sever a bond. Satoru has always still let himself be bound to Suguru.

Thankfully, he eventually comes to understand it.

“What do you think about boobs?”

Suguru's leg twitches against his, and he lowers his can of Sprite from his lips. His head turns sharply so he can look directly at Satoru. Satoru had already been staring at the side of Suguru’s face, watching the way his bangs tickled his cheek in the breeze, watching his slow, cat-like blinks, watching the long line of his neck as he drank his soda, watching him lick his lips after each swallow. Their eyes meet.

Suguru's eyes narrow. “What do I think?”

Satoru nods. “About boobs.” His own can of soda is sitting next to his hip on the bench, empty. His hands are gripping his knees, holding tight over the fabric of his uniform pants. His palms are sweating. He can feel the prickle of it in his skin and the dampness through his pants. He peers over his glasses, looking right into Suguru's eyes.

“I think…they're boobs…” Suguru says haltingly, starting to frown.

Satoru wrinkles his nose slightly.

“C’mon, Suguru. There are small boobs, large boobs, round boobs, teardrop shaped boobs, hanging boobs, boobs with pink nip—”

“Okay.” Suguru's nostrils flare the way they always do when he finds Satoru to be ridiculous. At least, that's what Satoru thinks. He's never actually asked Suguru what he's feeling when his nostrils start to twitch. He’s worried that if he asks, Suguru will stop doing it.