Alone in a crowded room

I was only 12 going on 13 when I saw my mom with a black eye

I emailed my best friend a continent a way.

And yet I could have sworn I had to have been older when it happened.

The black eye definitely happened again.

The screaming and fighting started in 2003 and went on until I moved away in 2013

I was stalked in middle school by and old creep

Tired

Exhausted

Depleted

And a shit ton if self loathing

I lost my temper at someone who doesn’t deserve it. I apologized but I’m wracked with guilt.

Followed up by being told I’m rude by another person

Not a great segue

But fair I suppose given the situation

Im also just so scared. I have surgery in 3 days and I’m scared it won’t work.

Medicated since summer of 2017. Going to hit 9 years this summer.

They say as you age it gets better or you handle it better.

Maybe I mask it more but it doesn’t get easier. I had friends over but I couldn’t focus. I forgot to breathe. I couldn’t multi task and then I forgot to ask questions and listen. The friends came and left. My anxiety swirled around like a storm. Sadness dropped by and left the gift of depression.

I’m so tired.

I’m trying so hard but it’s not working anymore.

I want a hug.

I want to be held while I cry.

Raffles upon raffles for charities

Prizes to be won

Causes to donate too

“It’s the giving season”

All I want is out

To be able to walk out on the party for the living

There are those who are praying for a chance to keep living

I’m not sure I can miss you when it’s hard to remember you. Besides you forced me to see all of you - the good the bad and the ugly. Is it weird that the mutual friends that I introduced you to still have ties with you despite how you show up as a person. I don’t know.

I have mixed feelings

Anxiety

PTSD

A positive ANA marker

Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disorder (UCTD)

Raynauds

Iron Deficiency (anemia)

Chronic Nausea (over a year)

ADHD

Not grief because they are dead

But grieving relationships that ended

Grieving relationships that never were fulfilling

Grieving the person I used to be and can’t seem to find

Grieving grieving grieving

So much sadness

It’s hard to tell where the thread of grief ends and depression starts. It’s all tangled. And I don’t know what to say.

They say I should just get over her already. A platonic friendship that gave me purpose.

I don’t have a purpose. I don’t want to be codependent but the people in my life give me purpose. And when they are gone I waver like a loose leaf in the wind.

I crawl into bed each night hoping I won’t wake up.

Life feels like a hamster wheel and I can’t get off.

And the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you drive my car

I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb combat boots

And the way you read my mind

I hate you so much that it makes me sick

And even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh

Even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around

And the fact that you didn't call

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you

Not even close

Not even a little bit

Not even at all”

+ Resumed therapy

+ Grieving the loss of my best friend (not dead - out relationship is though). She was my platonic life partner or so I thought.

+ Found out late last year I had ADHD - makes sense. But it certainly complicates the venn diagram of diagnoses

+ Recognizing that just because I’m an open book, doesn’t mean I’m vulnerable. I’m not sure I’m even ready to emotionally available yet.

+ I lost my best friends through a dramatic and over the top fight. She was so angry and there was nothing I could do. It was out of proportion and some of it made no sense. There must have been more going on that I wasn’t privy to. Nothing I said could make it better. In 2023 I fell in love with a man, who I trusted. Two relationships where I fully trusted. I saw a future that I rarely think of.

+ I miss my self from 2024. I miss her. She was fun, excited for life, had hope, joy, and could always find a silver lining. She was open and had follow through. She was strong and brave.

December 31 2024

2024: Hands down, my favorite year yet! It wasn't without its challenges-starting with some of the most intense pain of my life from a torn disc in my back, countless doctor visits, and a long road to recovery (1-2 years, they said). But despite the tough beginning, this year overflowed with love, joy, laughter, and the incredible community l've found here in Seattle.

Some unforgettable highlights:

+ Seeing my best friend propose to the most amazing woman who every time he speaks about her, his whole face lights up

+ Laughing so hard it hurt (too many times to count!)

+ My dad finally getting married after 13 years to the most incredible woman and stepmom

+ Celebrating my grandmother, who was honored during Women's History Month for her work

+ Turning 30 with the ultimate girls' trip + Trail cucumbers (a true game-changer) and mountains top quesadilla cooking

+ Going nuclear (IYKYK)

+ Pre-hike coffee in the parking lot

+ The endless "No, you're my wife!" moments

+ Supporting friends and being supported through the tough stuff

+ Celebrating my friends becoming moms

+ Taking a lead class and stepping out of my comfort zone

+ Solving the NYT Super Mega Crossword with my family in just 4 days

+ Making a 2025 bingo card filled with plans and dreams

The focus of therapy today was not being prioritized by my mother growing up and how much it still hurts and angers me.

Frustratingly, that same theme resurfaced in a recent conversation about trying to see her during her 12-day visit to the West Coast. The centerpiece of her trip is attending a friend’s son’s wedding—a wedding she invited herself . The cherry on top is seeing her only daughter - because I offered to fly down. She was going to fly to CA and then NY and not see me at all if I hadn’t offered. I won’t put her up here, and she won’t book an airbnb. It would be too much for either of us anyways. We don’t do well together.

The wedding is on a Saturday. I had hoped to give her Sunday, to spend some meaningful time together before I fly back—but she hasn’t mentioned it at all, and it doesn’t seem to exist on her radar. She certainly isn’t making a point to see me unless it’s on a weekday evening. I told her I could work remotely from San Francisco that first week to be near her.

I’ve tried to plan around her schedule. She arrives on a Monday and leaves the Friday of the following week to go to NY. Initially, we talked about me coming the first week of her trip, but the days she plans to be in SF, I realized she’d be jet-lagged (9-hour time difference), so I offered the second week as an alternative option—trying to leave space for a weekend day together, if that mattered to her.

Her response: “No real preference on my end. I focused on the first week as I’ll be in the north bay most of the second week of my stay. As I said, the wedding is on Saturday and I leave on Friday of the second week. So it’s entirely possible that we could spend an evening or two together at the tail end, say Tuesday through Thursday.”

I always thought I wanted DNR. I even have it written down somewhere. But today is a good day and maybe I want to live after all.

Lots to read about.

Talking with boss today about the death of her stepfather who married her mom when she was 7 gave me alot to think about. He had a stroke and died shortly there after.

I’m mad at you

My feelings are complicated

Everyone says to let you go

You’ve left such a void in my life

You’re in another continent, maybe you will move there for grad school. Maybe our time was supposed to be short and not forever

The action item from therapy is to reach out and find out if you want to work things out or if it’s a moot point. I’m scared of the answer either way.

I love you

I miss you

I’m mad at you

Not here

Not there

Not anywhere

1. My dad. For better or worse my dad is young and healthy. So I have at least 20-30 years of living to go before I can call it quits.

2. My best friend of 28 years. She’s already lost her dad, her aunt, and many others in her family. We may not talk often but she’s the equivalent to my sister.

3. A. She doesn’t really understand my depression as is. It would hurt her.

4. Ali. She gets it but it would devestate her nonetheless

And so many more.

And so I continue to march on. I don’t disappear. I live for them. When it gets to be too much. I write it all down.

The meds aren’t as effective as they used to be. But my masking is better than ever. Nobody has caught on. That’s not a win - I wish show one saw my late night tears and discomfort with existing / living. Sometimes I just want to unzip from my body and walk out.