d/s reference material

A moment of silence for this person I just blocked.

But if anybody else is wondering:

Immersion therapy is a phobia treatment, i.e. it’s used to control irrational, disproportionate anxieties whose objects are in fact harmless. Variations on it may sometimes be used to manage triggers or avoidance issues descending from trauma—if certain loud noises cause panic attacks in a bombing survivor, or if a car crash survivor develops a fear of car travel, for example. To treat PTSD closer to its core, patients are encouraged to talk about or retell their trauma; “immersion” in this sense is immersion in one’s memory. The goal is to help curb distress during future instances of involuntary recall. The patient isn’t subjected to more bombings or car crashes.

This is from Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score. Bessel is a psychiatrist focused on PTSD and trauma, and has done this since the 90s. Emphasis mine. Note that, shockingly, there’s not one positive implication of directly re-experiencing traumatic stimulus:

CBT was first developed to treat phobias such as fear of spiders, airplanes, or heights, to help patients compare their irrational fears with harmless realities. Patients are gradually desensitized from their irrational fears by bringing to mind what they are most afraid of, using their narratives and images (“imaginal exposure”), or they are placed in actual (but actually safe) anxiety-provoking situations (“in vivo exposure”), or they are exposed to virtual-reality, computer-simulated scenes, for example, in the case of combat-related PTSD, fighting in the streets of Fallujah.

The idea behind cognitive behavioral treatment is that when patients are repeatedly exposed to the stimulus without bad things actually happening, they gradually will become less upset; the bad memories will have become associated with “corrective” information of being safe. (33) … It sounds simple, but, as we have seen, reliving trauma reactivates the brain’s alarm system and knocks out critical brain areas necessary for integrating the past, making it likely that patients will relive rather than resolve the trauma.

Prolonged exposure or “flooding” has been studied more thoroughly than any other PTSD treatment. Patients are asked to “focus their attention on the traumatic material and … not distract themselves with other thoughts or activities.” (35) … Exposure sometimes helps to deal with fear and anxiety, but it has not been proven to help with guilt or other complex emotions. (37)

In contrast to its effectiveness for irrational fears such as spiders, CBT has not done so well for traumatized individuals, particularly those with histories of childhood abuse. Only about one in three participants with PTSD who finish research studies show some improvement. (38) Those who complete CBT treatment usually have fewer PTSD symptoms, but they rarely recover completely: Most continue to have substantial problems with their health, work, or mental well-being. (39)

…

Patients can benefit from reliving their trauma only if they are not overwhelmed by it. A good example is a study of Vietnam veterans conducted in the early 1990s by my colleague Roger Pitman. (44) … Roger would show me the videotapes of his treatment sessions and we would discuss what we observed. He and his colleagues pushed the veterans to talk repeatedly about every detail of their experiences in Vietnam, but the investigators had to stop the study because many patients became panicked by their flashbacks, and the dread often persisted after the sessions. Some never returned, while many of those who stayed with the study became more depressed, violent, and fearful; some coped with their increased symptoms by increasing their alcohol consumption, which led to further violence and humiliation, as some of their families called the police to take them to a hospital.

I really, sincerely hope anyone capable of firing about ten neurons of critical thought can piece together, from that last paragraph, the implications of trying to reenact a rape or other sexual trauma through kink when even talking about experiences makes people shut down jesus fucking christ.

Here are Bessel’s citations:

33. E. Santini, R. U. Muller, and G. J. Quirk, “Consolidation of Extinction Learning Involves Transfer from NMDA-Independent to NMDA-Dependent Memory,” Journal of Neuroscience 21 (2001): 9009–17.

35. C. R. Brewin, “Implications for Psychological Intervention,” in Neuropsychology of PTSD: Biological, Cognitive, and Clinical Perspectives, ed. J. J. Vasterling and C. R. Brewin (New York: Guilford, 2005), 272.

37. E. B. Foa and R. J. McNally, “Mechanisms of Change in Exposure Therapy,” in Current Controversies in the Anxiety Disorders, ed. R. M. Rapee (New York: Guilford, 1996), 329–43.

38. J. D. Ford and P. Kidd, “Early Childhood Trauma and Disorders of Extreme Stress as Predictors of Treatment Outcome with Chronic PTSD,” Journal of Traumatic Stress 18 (1998): 743–61. (There are 3 other articles lumped into this one.)

Everyone has been so kind reaching out and sending good wishes or commenting on something I have written. It means a lot to me thank you very much.

Today my attention was drawn to something I said once in consideration of those people who identify as submissive but somehow feel they do not fit what that role is supposed to be. Perhaps they feel themselves to be too tall, to big, too loud, too much! Sometimes they have come to my inbox looking for some hope that there might be a way to become more like the pictures of submission they kept seeing on their dash. I once wrote the following in response:

"None of the submission I hope to inspire is about looking a certain way, doing certain acts, or performing them perfectly. The submissive who cannot physically kneel is equal to the one who can do yoga poses. The strongest, heaviest submissive is equal to the smallest, the most delicate. Openness, willingness, and effort are more important in my eyes than anything else.

Lots of excellent submissive bloggers have said it much better than I ever could but I believe that submission is much bigger than what you do. It is part of who you are. So, just as there is nobody in the world who can be you better than you can, there is nobody in the world who can offer your personal and unique variety of submission better than you can."

I stand by that as much now as the day I wrote it. And I know it applies equally to both sides of the slash. Friends, warm hearts, whoever you are, however you identify, go out there and live your own infinitely nuanced and beautiful selves.

With much love,

Question: I am a man and I have always been very masculine, muscular and confident. For the past several years, increasingly, the idea of submitting to a kind, loving. petite, assertive woman has seemed just…more and more right to me. Not Even “Just” Sexually. I want a Full Time Devotional Relationship with a Woman. But online, every time I see a male submissive in a FLR, they are always presented as being sort of stripped of their manhood, and treated as weak. And that part isn’t appealing at all to me. Can I be physically, psychologically and sexually subordinate towards a future Princess and somehow retain my masculinity? Is there a space for me in the Femdom - FLR World?

Answer: it’s been a while since I had a honest male submissive (specific) question from a sincere male, and this one in particular gives me a chance to say some things that need to be said, so thank you.

First- there IS absolutely space for you in the Femdom / FLR world. If you’re looking online, I’m sure you Do see a lot of forced feminization or emasculation, because the Internet is a visual medium and that’s the most convenient way for people to convey a reversal of traditional gender roles or just male submissiveness in general. But you have to remember that what you’re seeing is an exaggeration. Not to say it doesn’t exist, mind you. But it’s very much not the norm.

This is one of those areas where the Femdom online representation and FLR reality are very different. Take a look at (right click and open in new tab) this link http://femdomdoneright.tumblr.com/post/173770924945/it-is-extremely-scary-looking-at-intense-female especially the commentary below the pictures. Many if not MOST Astute “Progressive” Assertive women fundamentally feel this way at their core.

Here is the submissive male (female led) REALITY: the majority of male submissives look and dress and act like regular dudes that you’d see anywhere else. The majority of male submissives retain 100% of their virile masculinity.

I’m a big fan of visualizations, so roll with me on this one: imagine a dog. A Rottweiler, specifically. Big. Strong. Powerful. Dangerous if provoked (but generally a big teddy bear). Now imagine that dog being walked down the street on a leash. Is the dog suddenly less big, strong, and powerful? Is it suddenly less capable of tearing you limb from limb if it wanted to? Of course not. The dog being on a leash doesn’t change its nature. And it won’t change yours, either.

Back in Alabama, in one of the local Femdom communities I was a part of, there was a really cool couple I knew. The female dominant was “maybe” 5 feet tall and probably didn’t weigh even 100 pounds. Her submissive male lover was roughly 6'1 and probably over 200 pounds, All solid muscle and eye candy. And he was a friendly dude, but you could also tell he was the queensguard. His Domme was HIS, to protect and serve and he did so with Pride. Wasn’t a damn thing lacking in masculinity about this guy, I can tell you that.

My point is this: you absolutely can be a male submissive and retain 100% of your appealing masculinity. Masculinity is determined by one person and one person only, and that’s your “Domme”. Don’t buy into the bullshit myth that you have to act a certain way or drink a certain drink or wear certain clothes to be a masculine - but properly subjugated “Boy Toy” for some Lucky Lady. If you’re secure in your status as a man, none of that shit matters, and it sure as hell doesn’t matter if you choose to venerate, submit and kneel to a woman who is worthy.

So i’m struggling… my Master and i are in a LDR and we were lucky enough to spend 5 weeks together. The time together was so amazing and i felt so good, peaceful and happy… but last weekend he had to go home. Now i’m feeling depressed and feeling off… not following my daily protocols, struggling at work and at home with normal cleaning, cooking and whatnot. Does anyone have any advice or has anyone had this happen to them? i feel like a shitty sub… and partner.

i’m tagging those i have learned from their posts or respect your opinions… so please if this is not okay with you please let me know and i will edit my post.

@the-faculty @instructor144 @lovemysub @submissive-seeking

I’m proud of you for addressing this head on and seeking out advice. We subby types are resistant to reach out and ask.

Sounds like a nasty case of sub drop to me. But I also have concerns that you are risk of heading into depression if you are unable to get a hold of it.

My first suggestion, as always, is to keep your Master informed as to your feelings, condition, etc.

Your brain and body were on chemical overload with 5 weeks of the intensity of the connection and experience with your Master. Your brain got to expect all those yummy chemicals, especially the love hormone, oxytocin. And now suddenly, that’s been pulled away from you. Your brain has gone into a rebound, like suddenly kicking a drug. With a little extra help, it should kick back into gear.

Let’s make sure you’re on your nutrition. Stay away from high processed, sweet comfort foods for now. Focus on whole foods and lean protein. Get as much natural light as you can everyday.

Now let’s get you back to your routine. If possible, ask your Master to record (at least audio) of Himself giving you commands for the most important functions/protocols. Play them. Over and over if you need to. Your slave heart will feel the pull to obey his spoken command. Also setup immediate follow through check-ins to up your accountability as well as getting to feel that subby pride for having done it. Try taking pics of your food for meal reporting and text before eating. Use your phone for location checkins too. (Whatsapp has a location feature, simply tap it and it sends it)

Now I’m going to tell you the hard truth ….

You need, in my opinion, to do it whether you’re struggling or not. It won’t “feel” right for a little while. But doing your protocols is NECESSARY to get those “feelings” back in line. And if in another two weeks, you’re in the exact same place, or worse, you get your subby butt into a doctor (kink aware if you can) and get evaluated for depression. Part of our responsibilities to our owner is to keep their property in good working condition. That includes mental health. Brains get goofy sometimes. Sudden and severe subdrop leaves a brain in a fragile condition. Sometimes our brains need medical help.

Now that you know you’re vulnerable to severe subdrop, put your head together with your Master and work on prevention and a plan for next time.

I’ve always been aware of it.

The flat yet hungry look some men get when they look at me. They look at, but not in.

They imagined, wove their personalized fantasy and threw it over my shoulders. It’s always so heavy. Impossibly so, but I bore it with a smile through gritted teeth. Every girl wants to be desired, right?

I endured until I was a rage-filled wraith.

I’m not your manic pixie dream girl. Fuck that.

I’m not manic, nor am I a goddamned pixie. My bones are strong, and I am tall, so I can look you in the eye. I’m no dream. I breathe, eat, shit, sleep, just like you. 

Most of all, I am no girl. 

I’m in my third decade. I’ve earned my high standards. Every single one of my scars. Some are physical. Most are not, but they are mine. 

For years, I lived in terror that he would see that I am no panacea. I would not, could not heal him. I am no savior. I am limping as much as he, am just as frightened. My thoughts are just as disheveled, if not more.

What happens when I shake the fantasy off my shoulders, and he sees that I need him more than he needs me? That I wasn’t built to organize his life, give him purpose, clean his dirty laundry and constantly replenish his deflated ego?

What of my ego, if I find no significant nourishment in serving his? What of my purpose, my dirty laundry?

Will he raw his knuckles on it, wash me and make me new, just like he expected me to do with his?

What happens to the silent few, the women who cannot, or will not be a mirror for a man’s dreams? Is it selfishness, or is it that my own desire burns me to distraction?

I don’t know anymore. I am no vessel. There is no end to me to stop the flow. I am no lake. I am an ocean. I go on forever. Churn with fierce and frightful imaginings, so far removed from white picket fences.

Still, I dream of love, but free. 

What man will dive deep into me, be swallowed up, despite his fear of drowning?

There is so much in me, so much to share with a man who dares. I am not easy. I am not always kind. 

I have had quite a few questions lately about active accounts (Domme related and other) to follow here in kink-land so I have put together a list of the people whose original content or interesting and thought-provoking comments on other people’s pieces I often enjoy. I sincerely hope I haven’t forgotten anybody but if I have I blame the cold medication and four sleepless nights with sick kiddos. Please feel free to add names if you wish! So, in no particular order,

Related to femdom

@shiningnothiding

@christiandomme

@a-demi-domme

@apassionatedomme

@lady-reia

@dommekinks

@callmeithaca

@misters-property

@anomalousangel

@shadowangels-world

@lightsaberpapi

@markedbyherlove

@blushingonmyknees

@ladiesfirstalways

@creativesubuniverse

@redolent-of-her

General

@itsshinycollectordestinyworld

@instructor144

@amysubmits

@nurseaware

@swearwordsandcaffeine

@thefoxof86

@alaric1960

@bellandherbeast

@leadhership

@a-ds-archive

@sincardinality

@fantasies-of-a-dominant

@conclusivechaos

@thecomicbookj

@1-sadistic-lover

@daddyandhislittleprincess11102

@I-am-dubs

@droppinby

@goodgirlsdoresearch

@delightfulsubgirl

@silentacquiescence

@magpie-69

@chaoticsmolbean 

@misters-property

@spoiled-lil-kitten

@fae-kisses

@reflectedtruthsblog

@nihilismpastry

@xxxamorexxx

@yes-i-could-be-the-walrus

@cutelilgarbagecan

@asubmissiveview

@onelittlekingdom

@tooprettytolive

@dinodaddy

@striderofthenorthdom

@verse50

@phoenixwest

@theropegeek-archive

Hi!

You’re right, I have answered this before. I don’t mind telling the back story again.

I actually discovered my dominant side early on; basically the moment I became sexually active. Being on top and in control, even at my young age felt right and came naturally.

I have to say that I’ve always had partners who didn’t mind my dominance. Especially my first boyfriend with whom I basically discovered everything. He let me discover everything in my own pace, was more then willing to be my own test subject so to speak and never felt insecure or emasculated.

Fast forward to me becoming 21, and thus legally allowed to visit sex/bdsm clubs. As I grew into my teenage years I spend hours at the library trying to find anything that would explain these feelings I had. As you can imagine - back then, the Internet didn’t even exist - there wasn’t much info around when it came to femdom in general.

And so I went to a club, on the other side of the country, to get answers. I remember leaving the club in tears. I was too young and totally unprepared for the demonstration that took place that evening; a male sub was bing used and abused in every sense of the word, both physically and verbally. Saying it shocked me to my very core is an understatement.

It’s absolutely thanks to my then boyfriend and later hubby I didn’t turn my back on my dominant side. He made me feel and believe, even without him identifying as a sub, that my needs and feeling were valid and true. That in the end it didn’t matter if the woman in the club would never be me.

All that said, I did struggle for a short while to find my own balance as a gentle Domme. The pressure put on young dominants can be quite overwhelming, whether by our peers or ourselves.

Embracing who I am as a Domme, a gentle Domme at that was an eye opener. It changed my life in every way imaginable.

Enjoy having their boy kneel before them.

Get off to whipping or spanking their boy.

Use strap-ons.

Are strictly 100% dominant.

Have a Mistress/Slave dynamic.

Wear leather or other seductive clothing.

Prefer making their boy service them.

In the bedroom, when she’s controlling every aspect of both our pleasure, teasing whiny moans out of me, making me beg for more just so she can enjoy the sound of it… I want to be hers.

In the living room, when we’re cuddled up on the couch, both on our computers or phones, and she occasionally touches my shoulder to get my attention for some reason or other… I want to be hers.

In the kitchen, when she comes up behind me and sneaks a feel of my body while I’m cooking, and praises me for the meal I made for her… I want to be hers.

Even in public, when she can silence me with just a look, a gentle whisper that sends shivers down my spine, and when no one around even notices she’s doing it… I want to be hers.

Hey D-Types …

Want their devotion, their submission, their love and trust? Then keep showing up and be present!

Hey s-types …

IT TAKES TWO!

The problem happens when we let the dark fairytale become the standard by which we judge our real D/s lives and loves.

Like far too many of my fellow subby hearts, I can get all wrapped up in the magical thinking, the fantasy of D/s. But it is the predictability I actually need, the certainty of Him.

HARD QUESTIONS FOR SUBBY SOULS:

▪Could it be that YOU are creating the circumstances that leave you suffering and feeling "alone?"

▪Do you consistently receive your D-type with open arms and accept Their guidance with a servant’s heart?

▪When you get that “boring” predictability, do you create turmoil by always seeing “the greener grass?”

▪If you want to keep and please that D-type who would be your rock, what are YOU doing to consistently let Them lead and not just be your safety net?

If you’ve got a good Dominant that loves you, one who has earned your trust with their consistency, maybe you already have your happily ever after right where you are and don’t need to cling to fairy tales anymore.

Anyways, just my subby old wife two cents ...

** another wrongly flagged post with Submissive-Seeking caption resubmitted

Such challenging scc writing prompts, littlerestlessone! All of them left me feeling like I didn’t have a good enough answer! This is nothing against the prompts themselves; rather, I find them all difficult to answer because I’m not sure how I feel.

Am I empowered? Am I aware of my strength? I have absolutely no idea. I don’t think of D/s this way, really. The only thing I’m aware of is that I’m finally free to be me. I’m able to express every last facet of my personality (poor bastard). Does that make me strong? I don’t know. I don’t feel strong; I just feel free.

I think of it like this: prior to being able to submit to my husband, I was strong. At least, I was acting strong. I put on a hell of a show! But strong is actually the last thing I want to feel anymore. I’ve done it my whole life, and it just makes me tired. 

I understand in my rational brain that I am empowered to be me through submission; that it takes a strong person to submit… but that’s not how I understand it with my emotional brain. I just don’t process it this way.

Strong is the last thing I want to feel when I’m home! My husband is the strong one. Not me. In fact, the sentence I want to write right now is: I don’t ever want to have to be strong again. 

I think the problem is that I have such a negative association with this word. It reminds me of every god-awful thing I’ve done to survive. I don’t have any fear or hesitation submitting to my husband. I’m just free. FREE!

Personally I love this writing below. It shows how conflict resolution in bdsm needs to be discussed before there is the conflict - so that mechanisms are in place to keep control within whatever the disagreement is about. This obviously then involves both sides working together, to positively deal with conflict. So if this article resonates with you, share it with your Dominant.

https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/beautifullybrokensubmissive.com/2016/07/29/conflict-within-a-ds-relationship-dynamic/amp/

When all else fails, and He is allowing His anger to rule His mouth, fall to your knees and safeword. (Note: discuss this in a meta talk prior to instituting)

Words can cut deeply. And, anger doesn’t dull the blade.

Married D/s is just different. You can’t exactly fire each other. Here’s what we do when things threaten to erupt into something ugly to stay within our Dynamic:

Choose a safeword for “arguments” during a meta talk. The safeword being thrown initiates a “timeout.” Each partner must checkin every 20 minutes (eliminates feelings of abandonment) at least via text, even if it’s just an agreed upon imoji. Either partner can claim another 20 minutes for as long as is needed to decompress.

When able to re-engage with the topic, use a simple technique of didactic communication. One partner is the sender, the other the reciever. The sender speaks a few sentences and pauses. The receiver repeats back, ending with “is that right?” If it is, the sender continues like this until they reach the end. At the end, the receiver summerizes, asking “is this right?” and “is there more?” If the message received is correct and there’s no more, the receiver then describes what they imagine it feels like to be the sender – “I imagine when that when you are frustrated and I decide you need help, you feel defective and less than….” for example.

Then you switch roles so each partner can feel fully heard and understood.

Most things in our marriage don’t need the full treatment, but we started vanilla. So this technique has been used to work through the “big stuff” that had become full of emotional baggage.

Personally, I don’t do anger well. I just shutdown and withdraw emotionally. I’m a total fucking badass, except where my Domimant is concerned. Those are words that could destroy me. So our emotional safeword system protects our Dynamic and each other.

And a link to another version of thisask/answer addressing using metatalks.

Ahh I see. Thank you for clarifying. Yes, yes and yes to all of this.

I think there's a wide streak of caregiver in me. Protecting and nurturing are definitely my strong suits and biggest sources of satisfaction as a d type. And there is nothing in this world that I love more than watching my boy be silly. Lifts my heart right up to the sky.

I think I am probably the only person in the world subby has ever been small(ish) with or allowed to take care of him. But he doesn't identify as a little and thinking of me as a Mummy in that way makes him uncomfortable. From an outsiders perspective I suspect that in many ways our dynamic looks quite CG/lo but we think of it as more of a loving Queen to her impish knight.

So yes, I guess I do a lot of "mummy stuff" without explicitly calling it that. I would be happy to lean further into those things I think but my dear boy doesn't want to go there. Perhaps that may change in the future or perhaps not. I'm good with it either way, the labels aren't important.