liability

“I fear for those years, I love it when he cuddles me or lets me dress him up. Oh. he will not be living with me when he’s 35. I try to make him independent by giving him choices, so it can help him not be so attached to me when he’s 30, I give therapy to those guys, I know how they are. One, still calls his mom, “mommy” and he isn’t 3.”

“I’m 33, so you’re not that old.” He corrected. Link listened as she talked. He had never really interacted with her much before. “Well, what went wrong?” He asked.

    “that’s what a thirty something year old would say.” jill sighed and brought her hands up to her face. “who knows... everything. everything always goes south.” she was cynical and nothing ever seemed to settle; it was always one thing after another.

“Why don’t you come to Wildrose’s? It’s fun, barely anyone from the hospital and if I’m being honest, the views are a lot better. Girl’s night is on me if you come.”

Oh.  So the other doctor wanted Lexie to join her.  “I’ll drink tequila with you.  At least the first shot.  It’s no fun drinking shots alone anyways,” Lexie said.  At least, that was a motto she lived by.  

    “great!” jillian exclaimed with a grin on her face. “you said it, not me.” if she was being completely honest she didn’t see anything wrong with drinking a shot alone but wasn’t going to argue after the other had just agreed. slowly pushing one of the shots towards the younger woman, she nodded. “there you go. cheers...and all that.” she raised up the little glass.

“I know, but I need my sleep.” she said with a sigh. “For how long?” she asked, remembering Jillian had a daughter. “Because please tell me it lasts only like ten more years, or else I’m not sure if I could function, I love my son more than anything, but he’s going to eat me out of hisue and home.”.  

Kathleen had some experience with trying to work out where exactly a life began to spiral out of control. She’d done it plenty of times in her office, but more recently she’d found herself with a glass of wine at the kitchen counter wondering how her life could have flipped upside down so quickly. Or perhaps it hadn’t been quickly, perhaps her version of normal had a slow demise and she’d simply been closing her eyes to ignore it for far too long. Like Jillian she’d often resorted back to childhood, blaming her father’s sudden death and the various reactions of her family for her own issues, but it was becoming slightly more clear that there were other factors to how quickly crumbling life. “Apparently shrinks are a dime a dozen around here,” She tried to humour the other woman, thinking of the other two psychiatrists that operated out of their practice and the multiple attendings she would find on the psyche ward. She moved forwards after lifting the coffee cup that she had halfheartedly poured before she’d given into the overwhelming urge to intervene where she didn’t belong. “This is where I tell you that talking about it will help,” She said from her new seat at the large table, but it was clear that it hadn’t truly been necessary given that only seconds later the other woman was more than willing to explain what had her so upset. She listened intently, her head nodding as she took in what Jillian said but not interrupting before it was obvious that she’d finished. “For starters, I don’t know Charlotte did but she probably deserved it - unless of course you swore at Addison, in which case she definitely did.” needless to say Kathleen’s opinion on both of her bosses were full of bias. “And you’re brother and sister,” She cut herself off with a small laugh that seemed to be devoid of any real happiness or humour, “I know more about that than you could understand. I believe the whole Shepherd family feud has made the rounds by now.”

   the humour went right over jillian’s head. she felt like she had caused all of it and had no one to turn to; nothing felt like it could be fixed and that was a shock to her as she had tried to convince herself that things would mend and get better. maybe this is what her family meant when they said she was selfish, always wrapped up in her own problems. she’d run away from her fometown as quickly as she could, thinking it would be best for her but didn’t think about jacqueline. her sister had her own issues and she wasn’t ble to help her with any of it, instead, her ex-husband had filled that role for her. jillian didn’t blame the other for hating her but had nothing else to say. jacqui hadn’t offered to help sell off the house and leaving her with that responsibility was a big slap in the face. although she didn’t want to say it, she always knew that she’d be dragged down at some point, she had feared it and maybe this was it. there was a high chance that she’d be unemployed soon, that she would have no direction and this worried her. “no offense but i don’t think it’s the same thing.” jillian didn’t want to admit too much; she had been forced into the protector role early on by her own parents and there was always so much pressure. that had been too much for her, not to mention her memories about jack must have been fabricated as she would have been too young to remember anything. it was her job to make sure no one forgot about him. “it’s just such a mess an i can’t do anything to solve it. i’ve begged my ex for him to let me come home but that’s not an option. how is that not an option? i’m not going to have a job, no one’s going to even want to speak to me, one of my co-workers have said that they’ll ruin me if i voice my concerns but i don’t think there’s anything left for them to ruin.” jillian felt sick to her stomach. she could have been fine but she sabotaging herself at every opportunity. “i probably shouldn’t even be talking to you about this.” jillian wiped her tears away and shook her head. the woman felt so isolated.

He saw her toss napkins at him and he picked them up off of the floor and wiped his messy face. “Nice aim.” He said sarcastically. He took a sip of his beer. “We just had MySpace.” He said cringing at the memory. “Are..you okay?” he asked. She looked drunk.

    “oh gosh, now that makes me feel even older...” jillian sighed as she sat back. “me? im just peachy. never better! everything’s gone to shit so i’m drinking my sorrows away...and all that.” the woman nodded.”so now i’m here trying to figure out when it all went so wrong.”

“well at this point, i wouldn’t put it past you.” amelia retorted, feeling the need to get one last word out before she listened to what jill had to say. “who asked you to be there? i don’t remember asking you clean up any of my messes, to fill some role, unless you just have some kind of savior complex. i have a sister, addison. i have a best friend, charlotte. hell i’d even go to violet for some shrink talk before coming to you. and now that i found someone i want to share my life with, you’re trying to ruin this. you’re trying to hurt me. you are right about one thing. i am a hurricane, untamed, not playing by nature’s rules, reckless, deadly even. i’m a hurricane that destroys everything in it’s path. and if you do anything to try and ruin my newfound happiness, talk to ryan, talk to my mom or addison or anyone, i will not hesitate in ruining you too. you do not want to test me jill.” she huffed out, eyes flaring as she spoke. 

   “that’s not fair, amelia.” her delivery was breathy, slightly melodramatic, as if she should have been in a soap opera but that’s how the conversation felt. it seemed the other had been harbouring a lot of negative feelings towards her. it hurt her that the other thought she was very capable of being malicious, of wanting things to fail when she had never wanted that to be the case. the upset on jillian’s face was very evident; it wasn’t like she could actually hide it with all the recent happenings. “it’s not like i do. i see you in trouble and i’m just decent about it. i don’t see anything wrong with that.” they weren’t going to agree on this one as they both felt hurt. “ruin me? i don’t think you could if you even tried.” there was nothing left to disrupt as far as jill was concerned, she had done that all on her own.

Charlotte looked at Jillian with confusion. She wasn’t even sure what happened but she knew that Jillian was on the verge of a breakdown. “Done with what?” Charlotte asked. 

   jillian picked up her belongings to leave without saying anything to charlotte. the conversation could have been a simple one if she had listened and let the other help her instead of being defensive but it hadn’t gone that way. taking her coat, the woman just shook her head and headed for the door.

“Hope I’m the good company then.” He takes a sip of his scotch and the smile doesn’t waver. “I try my best. I’m sure you are pretty badass in your field too. But can I tell you a secret?” Leaning in to get closer to her ear, he whispers, “I was a little scared. Holding hearts isn’t usually my thing.” Giving her a wink, he pulls away and nods before finishing his drink. “One more. I still have to surgeries tomorrow morning but I can do one more.”

“I think I definitely need a break.” Callie laughed and gave a soft sigh. “Luckily, I usually do love my job, today I just feel like I’m doing nothing but surgery and I’m tired.” She folded her arms across her chest. “It would be so easy just to give up, but I can’t do that.”

    “that’s understandable. i don’t think i’d be able to do it.” jillian admitted. it was hard for her to say but the more time she spent time in the hospital, the more she agreed with it. “that sounds like a lot. do you have a nice evening planned at least, or something to look forward to on your day off?” the other did look exhausted but she wasn’t about to say it.

Great, he had pissed off another doctor in the hospital.  It was really just his luck.  “I am so sorry Doctor….” Levi trailed off, looking around for her badge to get her name.   He didn’t know her.  Damn it.  

   “johnson.” the woman gritted her teeth. it was clear that the surgeons were idolised and other doctors simply followed. “forget it, nothing you can do about it now. you should probably become more observant if surgery’s going to be your thing.”

“I only drink tequila on the really awful days,” Lexie replied before sipping the drink in her hand.  She heard the other woman’s drink order and knew she had been right.  It had been a bad day if she was ordering all that at once.  

    “so are you drinking tequila tonight or not?” jillian pointed to the shots being poured. she wasn’t really in the mood for trying to suss out what the other meant; she just had to know if she had one shot or two she had to drink while still making it back to her apartment. paying on her card, she turned back to the younger woman. “no pressure, of course. if you don’t want it, the bartender will.”

Charlotte’s eye widened as jillian spoke to her. “Excuse me? I have no idea what you are talking about. Violet ddn’t say anything to me and I suggest you watch what you say to me.” Charlotte looked at her and crossed her arms. “You didn’t waste my time and for the record you should probably go talk to someone.” 

    jillian stood up and arched down to take her coat off the chair and pick her bag up from the floor. she was an expert in running away from her problems. she thought that she had been blindsided with her divorce but in reality, she just chose not to see the signs. “i’m done.” jill didn’t know what that meant, she just felt like she needed to get out. the woman was shaking, probably because she had lead herself into getting fired and everything would be up in smoke but she needed another day to put out her fires.