A Conversation: Quarantined Thoughts
by 7000000000, Maze Hu, Kida Umi and Halsey
Who would’ve thought that this new decade would bring more silence than an outburst of physical ideations for what’s to come? In the midst of a two-month lockdown, experienced through what may seem to be three times longer than what it is in actuality, there has been a widespread inclination towards a heightened awareness of being and self-reflection—concepts which have existed thousands of years ago yet have only recently branched out as a mass understanding due to the global pandemic.
Albeit presented as an opportunity to realign with our subconscious especially for those who have not been mindfully active, one begins to question whether or not COVID-19 has provided us with more anxiety and uncertainty than avenues for change and progression.
Here is our attempt at discussing the situation in hopes to provide a hint of clarity to a phenomenon construed as the opposite, presented through personal stories, sentiments, and reflections. In hopes to provide comfort during these times of discomfort, we hope that our words will resonate with your situation as much as it calmed the storm within us.
7000000000: Shall we start with the common question of what was life like before COVID-19?
Maze: There seems to be a mindset hovering around the idea that this pandemic sparked and forcefully provided an uncommon scenario in our lives but if you think more closely, I would say that the ‘new norm’ had already been part of our daily routine from the very beginning. But since we are here, let’s give it a try.
2020. A new decade. A lot of us are looking forward to this, a lot of us are moving forward. On the go. We were making plans, goals, things we want to do as a new decade comes. But because of what’s happening currently, we had to stop. Or did we?
Kida: It sure did disrupt each of our life routines. Before all this, whether we admit it or not, our life, in some way, had a routine that it follows. We get up, get ready, go to work or school, go home. In some days, there are unanticipated moments in between the routine—an unexpected night out, a dinner, or a coffee run. There is always something that happens outside our room’s walls, always something that we need to do to get us outside our doors. And this sudden change we experienced disordered all of that. We were suddenly stripped off of our ‘usual’, and we ponder too often when we’ll get it back, or if we will ever be able to even get it back. And that unknown shook our worlds. We were put in a situation that’s entirely new, and, whether we admit it or not, that scared us. That scared everyone, I believe.
Halsey: Actually, I already felt that ‘unknown’ even before this pandemic. My 2020 saw a bad start. At first, I thought things were okay. By the end of 2019, things were going smoothly. My family celebrated several milestones, I had a lot of plans that I was looking forward to. I even had several things that I expected to come as a new decade begins. So I thought everything will turn out good in 2020. But to my surprise, come February 2020, it felt like all problems poured in just one rainfall. Things were not going the way I expected them to. I was still expecting good things to come by March, and hopeful too, but an even bigger problem that has in so far an impact that is global suddenly had to come with that month: this pandemic. Countries began announcing community quarantines, and we all needed to stay home for safety purposes. And I have nothing against that, I knew it was needed for our safety and welfare, but still, after that announcement, all my plans felt like they stopped abruptly. It felt like everything was left hanging. Just like that. When people ask me my schedule for June, or July, or even December, I don’t know what to answer, because in truth, I really don’t know what I’ll be doing in those months. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t even know if something’s going to happen by then.
Kida: While hearing you talk about this, I suddenly realized how heavy your situation is. It’s not only this pandemic that you feel uncertain about, but it’s actually beyond that. Somehow it feels like everything is on hold for you, and I also feel the weight of your words and its effect on your emotions, so much more now that our current situation in this quarantine magnifies our thoughts and forces us to sit in a room and think about it all. It suddenly made me think about those people who are currently struggling during these times. Those who might be experiencing health, work or other personal problems while in this current situation. It made me feel worried about those people who are in a position where they have no choice but to just sit this one out until who knows when.
Halsey: Yes, that is the hardest part. I actually made a lot of plans, but I was forced to cancel them all due to this pandemic. They were all put to a stop. Literally.
Kida: But what was your initial reaction upon knowing that you haven’t done the things you planned yet, and you needed to put it on hold? What was the first emotion or thought that came into your mind?
Halsey: *ponders* There’s this tingling and nervous sensation that I felt and a lot of scenarios entered my head. But I felt comforted that I was with family during this time. They just told me, “don’t think about it too much, just let it go. It’s not like it’s just your plans that stopped, but everyone else’s, too.” When they told me that, I began thinking about it that way. But until now, I still feel nervous when I think about what the uncertain future holds.
On uncertainty
One might say that the global scenario has led us to an introspection of the self and how humanity’s existence is partially defined by the unknown. It is in our vulnerable state that defines the very essence of our being, yet in an age where humanity has constructed ideas of endless possibilities for intelligence and a state of perfection through technology, one starts to loosen their grip on an acknowledgement of being uncertain.
“Possibility means I can, in a logical system it is convenient enough to say that possibility passes over into actuality. In reality it is not so easy, and an intermediate determinant is necessary. This intermediate determinant is anxiety. . .” —Soren Kierkegaard, The Concept of Dread
Another thought to point out is the common mentality for us humans to program our minds to ‘let go’ just because ‘it’s not only us’. We often brush off our emotions thinking that other people are also struggling with the same emotions, or that some people have even bigger problems than us. As a reaction, we get comforted by the thought that we are not the only ones, but also it encourages us to dismiss our problems and thoughts, because, well, it's not only us. Sad, but oftentimes this truly is the case.
Now what does this uncertainty mean to you?
Kida: Are you feeling more productive in this set-up rather than going to school or to work?
7000000000: Maybe that’s one of the major changes that happened from our before to now. Because before, things had a structure. Each day, we have a set of goals to achieve. As a new day comes, we begin setting new goals, or continue from where we left off. Some people have these goals for the long term, while others do it day by day, one task at a time. But ultimately we all somehow had a constructed plan on how we tackle things. But now, there’s a loss of structure, and I guess that’s also part of this uncertainty. And that brings us to ask ourselves, “What do we do now?” That is the main question. In these uncertain times, things revolve around that question. Before, since things were in order, even if we were not doing anything yet, we somehow still have an idea of what we want to do. But now, since we lost the backbone of our daily activities, we find ourselves losing the structure of our purpose too, and it makes us feel like there’s no sense of achievement that creates a resounding emotion of losing our direction, too. Because before, even if we don’t know what our future holds, somehow we have an idea on where we want to go or what we want to do. Even if we don’t know the endpoint, there’s a direction, there’s a trajectory. But now, it feels like we lost our way. So what do we do now?
Kida: Maybe that’s also because we, as mere humans, desire to always be in control. I think that’s our nature. We long for us to know what happens next, maybe not in full detail, but we crave to at least have a laid-out directive on which way to go. But now that this situation that’s happening is greatly larger than us, we fully realize that we are not at all in charge. This creates a grappling emotion within us that bears anxiety, created by our inner yearning to always be in control, and pushed to the limits by the thought of not knowing if we are to ever be from this point on.
7000000000: But in a way, that’s actually one good part of this situation. Because that sense of control is actually one of the world’s greatest illusions. In truth, we really don’t have any control—we are just being given a sense of control by the structures that we formed. Once all that constructed thinking was placed in disarray, it lifted the mist and unveiled the magic trick. So, maybe, our anxiety stems not from knowing that we have no sense of control, but more from losing the feeling of sense of control. All our lives we got used to having a structure – for example, we go to middle school, then high school, then college, then work. But now, the “what comes after” got interrupted, and everything that we thought that makes sense, suddenly ended up pointing towards a great illusion.
Halsey: But aren’t there people who don't really have a laid-out directive in life? Those who do not rely too much on a structure, but rather, just goes with the flow of life? Do you think they also got affected by the sudden change of events?
Maze: Maybe they are the ones who are not that affected. It’s not that they are not at all affected, but if you are someone who’s more inclined to focus on what only happens in the present, I think that’s one of the factors that can lift up anxiety. Because anxiety comes from things you cannot control, or thinking that you can control what will come tomorrow. So if you’re the type of person who just goes with the flow, you rid yourself of that fear.
Kida: But I think, even if you are someone who does not rely heavily on a structure and just goes wherever life pleases you, I still think that what’s happening currently will still have an impact on you. This pressing issue will still cause you to worry, because it’s not entirely just you who is affected by this.
Halsey: What if some of those people, during this situation, suddenly realizes that nothing’s happening in their life? Will it make them feel anxious? Will they think that they should have created a structure for goals early on instead of just letting things run their course?
Maze: But how can they be able to say that nothing is happening in their life?
Halsey: Some people may have this mindset of ‘come what may.’ If something happens today, then something happens. If nothing happens, then nothing happens. What if they realise now, during this time, that all throughout the past months, or maybe even years, nothing’s actually really happening in their lives?
7000000000: I think that question is actually relative. It’s an internal dispute between what is actually happening in your life versus what you think needs to happen in your life for you to be able to acknowledge that there is something happening. That you have achieved something.
Maze: Maybe there are also set expectations, which caused them to think that way, too.
Halsey: Yes, I think we all have our set timelines that lean towards achieving goals at a desired age. Personally, I relied on this timeline a lot, that when I don’t achieve a set goal at my desired age, I feel like I’m not doing anything. That nothing’s really happening. And it causes me to feel anxious. And I can’t help but think that some people might be feeling like their timelines got disrupted by the current situation.
Maze: Maybe it’s about the perspective. Maybe there’s a difference between feeling bad about your unprogressive situation causing you to feel sorry for yourself, versus feeling bad about your unprogressive situation, but still choosing to continue moving forward, because maybe next year things will be different.
Kida: There’s hope in that second perspective. That’s the main difference.
“The capacity to bear anxiety is important for the individual’s self-realization and for his conquest of his environment. Every person experiences continual shocks and threats to his existence; indeed, self-actualization occurs only at the price of moving ahead despite such shocks. This indicates the constructive use of anxiety.” - Rollo May, The Meaning of Anxiety
On accomplishments: going back or going forward?
Most of us has this thinking that this time is a competition of productivity. Oftentimes, we associate it with a checkbox of tasks that we need to learn, to start, and to complete in order for us to say that we have actually accomplished something even when we are at this standstill.
Why is this so?
7000000000: Do you guys know that sense of accomplishment you feel when you are almost done with something? That you know you are at the end of the line and yet at the same time you also know there is another new thing to look forward to after? That’s how I felt before COVID-19. Although I don’t know what really comes after, at least I knew that something would happen after. Things were not at a halt. In a way, I still have a general direction. But during these times that we experienced a loss of structure and daily routine, those small things that stressed me and worried me before, now that I am at a stop, I am actually looking for those feelings. Maybe it’s because we were accustomed to this routine—good things and bad—so now that they aren’t present in the current situation, it somehow feels like, “now what’s left to feel?” I’ve already grown expectant for something to come, either good or bad. But now that I somehow felt removed from this routine, it feels as though I am not doing anything and is being less productive. And that’s when I realised I actually miss the small, stressful things. I feel like I prefer to do those things, even if they are taxing, instead of just being in this current situation. Because in a way, I feel like I was still being helpful. That I actually have a purpose. Even if it felt troublesome for me, at least I have the motivation and drive. That even if I was living a mundane life, I realised that by the little things I do, I was actually still doing something that is contributing and purposeful. Now that I feel like I am not doing those anymore, it made me suddenly realise that I’d rather be there.
Kida: But do you think once we all go back to our normal routine in the future, where life is mundane yet daily events are hectic, do you think we’ll look back on this set-up and actually miss it? Will we actually crave to be in this time of reflection and realignment, of feeling like we’re standing in an interval, at a pause, especially once life starts feeling like it’s pressed on fast-forward again?
7000000000: I think we will. I think it’s common for everyone to miss things that they have experienced, either good or bad. Because if we think about our past, even those that are deemed worse especially when we were at that time, those moments still helped us define who we are now, or it shifted our direction to where we are now. Even if they are not at all positive experiences, they’re still something that we went through, and I think there will still come a point wherein we will look back and reminisce about these current times.
Halsey: I feel like we’ll definitely look back and miss this passing time of reflection and realignment, but I think that we won’t want to be in this again. Well, not this long. Maybe a break for a few days will do, like how some people spend time to travel to someplace new or just rest and have time for themselves, then go back to routine again. But not like this where it feels like nothing at all is happening in life and you don’t even know when you’ll ever go back to your routine again.
Kida: But what makes you think that you are not doing anything at all?
7000000000: Well, there still is, but there’s no purpose behind it. Like I’m doing things for the sake of moving forward, so I can say that I’m doing something and masking it as productivity.
Kida: Have you ever thought that maybe this is a time to do something else, in order to get back that sense of purpose that you feel you’ve lost during this time? To align your perspective and create new purposes within you on top of the ones that you felt you suddenly lost due to this current situation?
7000000000: Personally, I don’t know what to do in this current situation to get back that sense of purpose again. I feel like I still can’t do much for now, and I know that’s not a good mindset to have, but that’s the truth. I still can’t think of anything else as of the moment that would fuel my passion and also my purpose, hence I really can’t see myself doing anything other than the routine that I was already doing before all of this happened.
Maze: As for me, since I am more inclined to create, I was actually given more reason during this time. This situation actually helped me think about how to channel my drive and passion in another outlet. Like this passion project, Drip, where we can release several collections and offer it to our audience, through different types of medium, with different types of inspiration and story behind it. A platform to let people know that it’s okay to feel the emotions that they are feeling. Because in this time, the best thing that we can do for ourselves is to acknowledge our feelings. To be honest, this current time made me question even more the purpose of the routine that I had before this. That’s why I feel like I’m losing the drive to pursue it now.
Kida: Actually I feel like Maze and I are on the same boat. I think that where we were before all this happened wasn’t actually something that we are encouraged and driven to be part of for a long time. So we didn't seem to get affected in a huge way that we stayed in what felt like a complete stop. It was a momentary “now what?” that turned into a fuel to pursue things that can actually inspire and motivate our souls. For both of us, this time was spent more on regrouping our thoughts and channeling our passion into different platforms.
Halsey: And I feel like 7000000000 and I are the same.
Maze: Yes, I agree. For Halsey and 7000000000, they find certainty through structure. But for Kida and I, we are still in that process where we are inclined to explore the possible in the uncertainty.
Kida: That essentially goes back to how the structure of our current reality is not something that we desire yet, so we are very open for exploration and realignment during this current time.
Halsey: In my case and 7000000000’s, it felt like we were put to a stop from the things that we were supposed to do. We felt like we needed to be there, and now that we aren’t in that situation, we feel like we’ve become disoriented with our life’s purpose and we began losing that sense of achievement.
Maze: It’s like your medium of expression has already been defined into a certain thing, whereas Kida and I are similar.
Embracing Uncertainty
“I think that when we know that we actually do live in uncertainty, then we ought to admit it; it is of great value to realize that we do not know the answers to different questions. This attitude of mind - this attitude of uncertainty - is vital to the scientist, and it is this attitude of mind which the student must first acquire.” - Richard P. Feynman
In general, how does uncertainty impact our emotional, psychological and social well-being?
Maze: In my case, I realised that somehow I have somewhat become hypocritical. For the longest time, I supported this thinking that preaches on uncertainty. Although we know that there is that certain belief, we don’t at all see it yet. And before this pandemic, I even tried to explore the possibilities and even the benefits of embracing the thought of not being in control and that it’s okay to be uncertain. But now that we are forced to be at that point of uncertainty, now that we are forced to reflect on not being in control, I realised that I am not at all equipped yet to be in that situation of being aware that I am not really the one in control. It made me question if my claim was still right, because I’m fascinated to pursue that statement to embrace the uncertainty, although personally, I can’t handle it well. Is this really the experience that we need to have so we can reach our full potential as humans? Is this really what would awaken our selves? Or will this be what would bring out the worst in people? Is that why humans have a primal instinct to deviate away from what they cannot understand, because if they will be in that position, they might not be able to handle it?
*silence*
Kida: Based on what I’m seeing, uncertainty, especially in this current situation, actually fuels people to cling to hope that things will fall in a better place eventually. Which is also a good thing. As a collective, I see us clinging more to hope. But it also suddenly made me think about each individual’s intrinsic condition. As a nation, as a world, we are actually showing more of the good effects brought about by the uncertainty that is attached to the pandemic. But what if, same as you, some of those people are only putting up a front and are actually struggling to embrace this uncertainty within? That they desire to hope for something and yet deep inside they’re actually feeling hopeless and lost? It’s like your worst thoughts are being brought out, but only internally. I guess we don’t have any way to know that because every individual is different in perspective. It’s solely up to that person to figure out where she is in that spectrum. But that’s quite a question to ask yourself.
Maze: Do you think that our internal state is independent from our external one?
Maze: For my side, as an example, externally, I have that drive and purpose to help, to be empathic about others. But internally, I can’t say that drive is doing well.
Halsey: How were you able to say that the drive to be empathic is external and not internal?
Maze: There are instances where I wanted to help out and reach out. Say for example through this platform, Drip. But in actuality, my inner voice is also asking for help. It’s like, extrinsically, I am involved in the situation, not necessarily empathic alone. However, internally, the things I want to do in reality is something that my inner voice cannot do.
Halsey: Like your pre-conscious is trying to reach out to your conscious state, yet it’s not reaching it yet?
Maze: Yes. And now it feels as though I’m just masking the opportunity to express myself through this platform as being empathetic towards others. Honestly, on my side, helping out other people through this platform is not the first thought that comes to mind. The first thought that comes to my mind actually is to help myself first, and then hopefully be able to reach out to other people.
Kida: I don’t view that negatively though. In fact, I don’t see any conflict at all with prioritising yourself. To be honest, we will actually never be in control of how Drip will move and help other people. We don’t have the capability to dictate that, nor do we have the ability to know if we will be able to resonate, inspire or encourage other people through this platform. We can only hope that whatever we feel and create will eventually reverberate in the minds and hearts of our audience. We actually created Drip as a creative platform and a safe space for the four of us, where we can explore several ideas and designs in different types of medium. And the idea of helping out other people—that’s a great bonus. If we even think about it, in the beginning, Drip was actually birthed for an entirely different reason: its main purpose initially was to just provide us additional income, by selling coffee products! Can you imagine? It was actually made for practical purposes and not even something that would bring inspiration out of us. But then one day, Drip was suddenly reborn with an entirely different vision and a more meaningful purpose. More passion-driven. More personal. And I hugely believe it’s okay to have an initial reaction to think of yourself and your needs first especially that we are in a constant process of exploration and creation. Because if not, you will also get burned out. If you focus too much on the idea of helping out other people, of speaking in the same wavelength or of resonating with the world’s chaotic thoughts, you might end up creating within that box only, and ideas are bound to become limited. That might even lead to instances where you would see yourself struggling to resonate with your own work anymore. And those will defeat the purpose of Drip being personal and organic. So yes, I find it okay to think and help yourself first through this platform. In fact, I actually even find it ideal to be as intrinsically explorative and expressive as possible—the rest will just come as something that’s additional and we’ll be grateful for.
7000000000: And to add to that, I also think that helping yourself and helping others is not mutually exclusive. I think you can do both at the same time. You help yourself in the hopes of you helping out another person too, someday.
Is certainty an illusion?
“I always work out of uncertainty but when a painting's finished it becomes a fixed idea, apparently a final statement. In time though, uncertainty returns... your thought process goes on.” - Georg Baselitz
How do you cope up and deal with uncertainty?
7000000000: I think we all have different ways to cope up with uncertainty but ultimately we do these things so we’d be able to gain some sense of control. Just to have that feeling of knowing that you were able to achieve something. That you attained something. Because that is the ultimate goal, actually, to feel like you’ve achieved something.
Kida: That got me thinking, what if certainty is just a human concept?
7000000000: Well, certainty definitely is subjective. One person’s definition of the word is different from that of another’s. What may look uncertain to the eyes of someone might be something that is deemed as already having a sense of certainty for someone else.
Maze: I feel like that will go back on the question of the purpose of human beings. Ultimately, the essence of humanity lies within its indefinite state but at the same time, this can also change and has already transformed since the day we started being curious about everything. For the time being, I would rather acknowledge uncertainty rather than give myself an illusion of truth.
Halsey: What if we reach the point wherein all our uncertainties in life become certain already? What if you feel like you’ve achieved all that you were uncertain about?
7000000000: I feel like there will be instances in life wherein we will reach points of certainty and we will then ask ourselves, what comes next? This will then create new goals, then build a new structure, and becomes the root of an entirely new uncertainty. We achieve points of certainty in particular areas in life and then go out and brave another new path of uncertainty, until we also reach the point of certainty for that, too. I guess it’s because we will continuously look for the drive to make us wake up in the morning knowing we still have something to do and achieve in life. Like when you achieve your goals for yesterday, you then ask yourself, what do you want to achieve next?
Kida: Then that also goes back to certainty being just a human concept. We are the ones who define what certainty is, based on our goals and purpose in life. And if it’s human nature to continuously want to do more and achieve more until we reach our ends, then we will see ourselves in a constant loop of uncertainty.
7000000000: I guess that’s part of our quest for the answers to all our questions, and the fact that there is no one hundred percent sure in life is what then gives us anxiety. At the end of the day, it is still a never ending chase for answers.
Then, will we ever even reach the point of truly being certain?
