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on one hand im genuinely happy that collei is doing sm better healing learning growing etc on the other hand. it shouldve happened more slowly and been more difficult and we shouldve seen her struggling with blame and anger and hate and guilt at war with herself wanting to move forward vs never wanting to let go, i will carry this with me forever my own corpse clings to me like a shadow look at what you did to me Look At What You Did To Me it shouldve been harder and uglier and a constant battle she shouldve screamed and raged and cried and just barely held onto hope through it all she shouldve been ugly and raw and visceral. they made her pretty and happy and tame but i dont think she would ever be tamed. not really. no matter how hard she threw herself into saving others no matter how hard she threw herself into kindness and martyrdom and sacrifice where was that kindness for her? that sacrifice for her? she saved herself. over and over and Over again she saved herself. wheres the bitterness? the anger? the thinking its too late to ever truly heal?

not made for divinity but simply weeded out of place. the dregs of society a lost cause something practically already dead Might as well throw her to the dogs right? no other choice right. its been so long and your memories are so fuzzy and that place so horrid your mind cant linger on it for too long but you desperately wish you could force it, what did your mother's voice sound like again? what was the song that your father sang to you during your flareups again? you loved them right? did they love you? with all these stories you use to escape yourself you wonder how many are actually true. were you abandoned as a baby or older? wait right, you weren't abandoned, or-- huh? how old were you again anyways? did your mother have a favorite tea, did your father have a favorite book? you remember a voice helping you sound out something the creases of a book the warmth of a lap but its all so blurry and fading so fast. you meet the same word years later while trying to learn how to read and something unfurls in your chest and you dont know why but its that same vague nostalgic sound. you hear it in the timbre of someone on the verge of being lost to time. sometimes i think about faruzan seeing the glimmer of something familiar in collei and she cant help but tear up. something in the curve of her eye. something thats survived throughout generations. weeds are tough little things aren't they