Why am I like this?

“Hi there,” You said quietly, not wishing to startle him or seem over enthusiastic. You were worried when he saw you that he’d be annoyed or perhaps have wondered if you’d followed him, which you would never dream of. Instead when he saw you his face seemed to light up as he smiled and waved you over.

“Hola Y/N”

You walked over to him and sat down on the grasses. “I’m sorry Javier I didn’t mean to intrude.”

He waved his hands in front of his face, “No, no… you could never intrude, it’s nice to see you.” He smiled, it seemed genuine, could it be he was really pleased to see you? Perhaps you could open up to Javier about how you were feeling?

He always listened and was quite sensitive when you got to know him, but the problem was what you had started to feel something for him and were worried that spending too much time with him or opening up would expose you and the emotions you held close. 

You opened your mouth to speak when Javier instead said, “I am glad you are here with me.”

You looked at him and waited for him to continue, what did he mean?

“Around camp recently, you haven’t seemed yourself this past week. You’re so quiet and withdrawn, I miss our morning chats looking out at the valley, smoking, good…well passable coffee.” He let out a small laugh. 

You returned a small smile, “Yes well, about that…” You stopped in your tracks, was this a good idea?

As if reading your mind he responded, “You can tell me.”

“I don’t know Javier I haven’t been feeling myself as of late. I’m worried and anxious all the time, to be honest…” you took a deep breath wondering just how much you could tell him and whether you could trust him. His earnest expression and the way his hand had moved towards yours on the dry earth told you that you could.

“I’m feeling more alone than ever, I’m so afraid, I’m not sleeping, my chest hurts all the time. My heart…my chest it’s like it’s full of butterflies all beating their wings to escape.”

Javier put down his fishing rod and shifted a little where he was sat to look at you, he reached out to stroke the side of your face, “I am so sorry to hear that, what can I do?”

That was the question wasn’t it?

“I don’t know….listen, just be there for me,” you offered as a slightly pathetic suggestion.

He nodded, “Sí, of course I can do that.” 

You sat silently for a minute, Javier wasn’t one to lie so you you trusted what he said, trusted that you could in turn trust him. 

“Anything biting?” You asked as you lent towards Javier and looked out at the still water.

He picked up the rod, “Only tiny fish, nothing worth taking back to camp. But, I don’t always fish for the fish you know?” He looked across at you and shrugged a little.

“Oh.” You paused for a moment, “So you like to get away from the others too huh?”

He smiled and nodded, “The camp, all those personalities, all that noise. Sometimes it’s nice to just be alone.” He cocked his head to the side, “especially at the moment, the way things are.”

Thinking on his words you pulled your knees up higher into your chest and squeezed feeling a little bit guilty, “And now I’ve come along and totally ruined that silence with my presence.” You sighed, preparing to get up and leave him to it.

Javier was silent for a moment and then put the rod down again, leaning it against an empty can of beans just in case anything bit. He shuffled on the ground to turn and face you, “Why do you do that?” He asked, he appeared curious, but not angry. 

“Do what?” You had no idea what he was talking about and worried that now you had ruined the relationship the two of you had built, the friendship and companionship you’d found in him. He was one of the few in camp who appeared to understand you and now that was going to be something else from the past, something else to worry and stress about, to feel embarrassed and anxious about.

As these thoughts rushed through your head you felt your chest getting tighter, a sharp pain stabbing in the left hand side, your heart missing a beat and then beating too quickly. The regularity was gone. 

“Y/N?” Javier asked after you hadn’t answered for a while. You heard him but your vision was blurry when you tried to look at him. Focus, you told yourself. But it wasn’t working, you couldn’t focus, not on Javier, not on the serene water of the pond or the sun dipping low in the sky. You were unable to get your breathing under control, a hand went up to your chest and you clenched. 

“Y/N,” you could hear Javier’s voice and could just make out the concern on his face, but when you again tried to focus on his dark and warm eyes, so reassuring and comforting, just nothing only a blur. 

You felt Javier’s hand clasp over yours, his other reached for your knee as he scooted forwards so he was next to you. He squeezed gently in an attempt to bring you out of your current state. 

“Javier, I can’t breath…I can’t..c…” You tried speaking but this only made the situation of your breathing worse to contend with. You shook your head and bent over, your head hanging down, Javier reached up to your hair, scooping it up so it didn’t get dirty in the ground, bringing it back to your head he clasped the back of you and held you steady. Tilting your head up gently so you were inches from his face, his nose pressed against yours. 

“Just breathe, you can do it.” He said softly. “Everything will be okay, I promise. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, I am here now and will always be there for you okay? There is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be embarrassed of, if you’re scared I will protect you.” His stream of words were the most comforting thing you’d experienced in months. You didn’t quite catch all of the words, but it was enough for you to get the gist of what he was saying. You were incredibly grateful that right now in this moment it was him who was sat with you. 

The hand that was over yours now squeezed, his fingers slowly interlocked with yours and he kept it there against your fast beating chest. You’d never been this close to Javier before, in fact you’d never been this close to anyone in camp before but yet this couldn’t have felt more natural. 

“Javier…” you said again, something about his name was soothing and calming to you. You could smell his aftershave, could smell the wax on his boots, whiskey on his breath. He smelt of home, he was warm and comforting. He wasn’t lying, when you were close to him you knew you would always be safe.

You felt your heart starting to slow just a little, although your breaths were coming in fast and your chest still felt as if it were full of butterflies, there was just enough of a change to suggest your body was moving in the right direction and it was thanks to Javier and his presence. 

“Breathe in through your nose, deeply, with me now.” He squeezed your hand a little tighter. 

“Breathe in,” he repeated and you followed his instruction. Your chest was fighting against you, desperate for you to take a quick, sharp breath through your mouth, however, you were determined. This time you ended up spluttering a little, but Javier didn’t withdraw, he wasn’t disgusted, he simply encouraged you to try again.

“Breathe in again, with me.” 

It took several tries but eventually you managed it, several seconds of inhaling in and then holding your breath, you thought of the calm stream and of Javier’s singing round the campfire.

“Breathe out through your mouth, low and slow now.”

Again you breathed with him, slowly, carefully, not scolding yourself if you occasionally missed a beat or got it wrong. 

It took several minutes of breathing almost in silence, just the sound of Javier’s guidance to help and starlings in the distance.

When your heartbeat had returned to normal Javier waited for you to speak, what you noticed however was that even though you had regained control of your breath he remained holding your hand, cupping your head, his nose was still pressed to yours. You inhaled deeply now and let out a sigh as you closed your eyes. Now you pressed a little further without meaning to, your lips were so close to his you could feel his breath on your skin. 

“How are you feeling now?” He asked.

You considered the question, and nodded sheepishly, “Okay…I mean a lot better than five minutes ago, thank you Javier.” As you were feeling more conscious again you became aware of how close you’d become to Javier and slowly pulled away. Javier let go of your head and your hand as you did so, you felt the colour rush up your neck and into your cheeks. You turned away tempting to hide your blush. The Javier that would joke around the campfire would have made a comment on this for sure, however, in this moment he was focused solely on looking after you.

“So, what was that about?” He asked. 

“You asked me why I kept doing something, you sounded…cross. No, wait you didn’t sound cross, I just interpreted you as cross and I worried.”

When Javier didn’t say anything else you took this as a cue to continue, avoiding eye contact you considered what to say next, “So, Javier you are one of the people i’m closest to, you’re one of the few people I can trust. The thought of disappointing you, annoying you, or you finding me embarrassing to be around just sent me into a panic.” It felt better to have it off your chest, even if you did worry about his reaction.

“Look at me,” he said softly. When you looked up at him he reached out for your hands, they were given willingly. His hands were still warm for a moment ago, he clasped yours in his. “I would never, I just want you to know that okay? I would never not want to be friends with you, not be here and looking after you.”

You felt tears well up in your eyes as you looked into his, hanging on his every word. 

“You mean it?”

“Of course, I would not say it if I didn’t mean it.”

“Javier,” you said quietly, slightly scared of the question you were going to ask and what his reaction would be, “Do you think I could have a hug?”

Javier smiled, “Of course.” He leaned in and wrapped both his arms round you, you scooted forward a little bit so you were chest to chest, wrapping your arms around him too. You leant on him, nuzzled into his neck and closed your eyes, “This is nice.” You confessed.

Javier hummed in response, “Yes it is.”

You didn’t want to let go of Javier, didn’t want to be the one to break the connection, but at the same time you didn’t want to hold on for too long. You didn’t want to overstay the welcome, but from everything he said, he never would have thought that. 

“So, whenever you feel like this, whether out on a raid, fishing, in camp…doesn’t matter, you come to me okay?” You nodded, but still didn’t let go of him.

As if sensing your thoughts Javier added, “There’s no rush, we can stay here as long as you like.”

“Thank you. Javier, earlier when you said why do I always do that, what did you mean?”

“I thought it was obvious, I meant why do you always put yourself down? Why don’t you believe in yourself more, you are not a burden, you have achieved amazing things and you’re kind, as well as brave, as well as good with a gun, which together is a hell of a lot more than the majority of those back in camp.”

It was weird to still be hugging Javier whilst having such a serious conversation, but his words meant the world to you. Your heart rate was slower than before, as a complete state of calm washed over you. 

“Thank you Javier, you have no idea how much that means to me. You are one of the few things I am grateful for right now and I couldn’t stand to lose you.”

“And you won’t, I promise.”

Finally you let go of Javier and moved away slowly, your hands returned to their previous position, in one another’s. Javier’s bangs hung over his eyes and he smiled at you. “I am so glad you found me out here today you know?”

“I thought you wanted time alone.”

“Yes and no. Time away from certain people more like,” he gave a small laugh. You knew exactly who he was referring to when he said that. 

“Perhaps, I could stay sat here with you until you’re done fishing?”

“I would like that very much.”

You let go of his hands to allow him to return to the fishing rod. Before returning to fishing he lit a cigarette, it hung idly from the corner of his mouth, he passed his flask of whiskey to you and took a swig before handing it back. Drinking from things that had been in other’s mouths wasn’t something you made a habit of in camp, but with Javier it was different. 

As the sun set, casting orange and red streaks across the sky, neither of you said much, just commented on the weather, whether fish were biting and what flowers you could see. Javier informed you he’d been picking Oleander earlier which he was fashioning into poison arrows and was more than happy to share some of his stock with you.

Occasionally he would hum a tune or sing, though he sung in Spanish and you weren’t sure what he was singing about, the sound was beautiful all the same and helped you to relax further. Normally you loved to listen to him singing, but this moment in particular felt lovely as it was just the two of you, the singing was just for you and him.

As it got dark and the stars started to appear in the sky you found yourself shivering a few times, the coolness of the night air causing goosebumps to appear on your arms.

Javier looked across at you and seeing you shake offered you his jacket. He wound in the fishing line and tidied up before placing it round your shoulders gently, “Here, I don’t want you getting cold.”

You clasped his hand as he lay it on your shoulder, “Thank you Javier, not just for this, for everything, for looking after me and letting me know you’ll be here for me. Just, thank you.” There wasn’t much more to say than that, you feared if you started to talk about it all again you’d get emotional and cry again. This was not the look you wanted to return to camp with and so you stopped yourself before the gushing began.

Javier reached out to help you to your feet, as you sprung upwards you practically fell into his chest. He let out a low chuckle, “Don’t worry I got you.”

Instinct then drove you to hug him once more, you wanted nothing further from him, not right now. But you did want to reinforce how grateful you were for his discretion and kindness. Once again he wrapped his arms around you, at first you weren’t certain but then were sure he had placed a kiss to the crown of your head, gently touching his lips to your hair.

As you climbed up onto your horse you waited for Javier to do the same with Boaz so you could ride side by side back to camp. Maybe there would be questions, but in the line of business you were in, it was easy to say you were out hunting, out fishing, raiding, looking for potential heist locations. And so what if someone did suspect something else? You hadn’t exactly committed a crime had you, well, what a ridiculous thing to think – you’d all committed many crimes, it was more what if tongues wagged about the closeness of the two of you. Again, so what? There were worse people in camp for rumours to be circulating about than Javier, worse people to be caught spending quality time with.

With that you let the thought drift out of your mind, it wasn’t worth thinking on for a moment longer.

Back at camp there were a few looks from Arthur, Molly and Karen, but nothing more than the usual when anyone returned home from being away for the day.

You went back to your tent and spent a while reflecting on the day in your diary, then regretted writing anything down just in case someone should be feeling particularly nosey and decided to have a look into it. But you shoved it underneath your pillow, no one had ever intruded before so what would cause them to do so now.

Later that evening by the light of the campfire Javier was sat round it with his guitar and was playing something that sounded like a love song, but for all you knew he was singing about death. You supposed the two weren’t all that different when all was said and done.

You listened but from a distance, not wanting to get too close to him or to give anyone in the camp the impression that was there anything happening between the two of you. But there wasn’t anything happening. You cursed yourself as you felt your cheeks blushing at the thought of him and the thought of anyone else even beginning to think that anything was transpiring between the two of you.

Just then you felt a hand clamp on your shoulder which made you jump, looking up you saw Arthur stood next to you, “Oh, hey Arthur you alright?”

“Not so bad, you?”

You smiled and nodded enthusiastically, “Oh I’m right as rain.”

He cocked his head to the side, “Really? You haven’t seemed like your usual self recently so I just wanted to check everything was okay with you. Anything going on you need to talk about?” You’d tried to keep Arthur out of your worries and here he was anyway, of course he was here, it was Arthur.

You swallowed, “Well, a bit of trouble, up here,” you pointed to your head, “In here,” pointing to your heart. “But, I talked it out today and am feeling better, not perfect, but I have things under control, I think..”

“With Javier?” Arthur asked.

“Yes, he was so kind, sharing how I felt just made me feel so much better.”

Arthur smiled, “Good, I’m glad you’ve found someone else to confide in.” There was a twinkle in his eye as he spoke, fire reflected in his dark eyes.

You shuffled on the spot, not quite sure what he meant by that, was he annoyed by you and happy now that finally you would go to someone else with your problems? Were you that much of a burden, a thud in your chest, the feeling of your stomach dropping out from under you. You looked over at Javier and tried to recall the conversation from earlier. He was there for you and nothing else mattered.

Sensing your distress Arthur placed his hand back on your shoulder and squeezed, “Y/N please, don’t misunderstand me. I’m always happy to listen, I’m grateful for your friendship, and I know you’ll always return the favour.” You sighed letting out the tension of the past 30 seconds and suddenly remembering how to breathe.

“Sorry, I’m a bit jumpy.”

“I just meant, with all that’s going on nothing is certain. I worry is all, so I’m glad that you have someone else to trust, when,” Arthur coughed and turned his head to the side, “I mean if…anything should happen to me.”

Arthur coughed again, it was deep and guttural, he lifted a handkerchief to his lips and tried to cover it up when he lifted it away from himself but it was too late, you’d seen the blood.

Now it was your turn to reach out to him, “Arthur….” You asked softly. “What’s going on?”

“Not today, I’ll tell you, but not today.” He looked over to Javier, “Go sit by the fire, you feel cold. I’ll bring you a beer.” You were reluctant to move but Arthur reassured you, “Come on now, you don’t know how long Javier will be playing for, I’m sure you’d rather listen to him and lulled into a peaceful sleep than worrying about me.”

Inside you stood for a moment in the cool air looking around the church to be sure no one was in there and then you walked to the alter kneeling in front of it and saying a prayer in silence. The palms of your hand were pushed together, sweaty due to the nerves you felt over what was to come. Or at least what you hoped would come if Javier was agreeable to it.

“Take me to church I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife Offer me that deathless death Good God, let me give you my life”.

Javier was enchanted and stood awaiting instruction, was he supposed to be here with you, did you want him to pray or to comfort you?

“Javi,” you spoke without looking round to him, “Can you make sure the doors are closed and lock them or barricade them, just make sure no one can get in.”

You heard him behind you, without question he moved the furniture around complying with your wish.

“There all done,” his voice echoed.

You stood up and turned to him, your mind was completely made up and there was no going back, you couldn’t afford that now.

“Javier, I need to confess.”

He stepped closer, “I mean, I want to go to confessional and I need you to hear me.” You continued, he was stood right in front of you now, practically touching.

You needed to communicate exactly what this meant to him, but it was difficult without breaking the mood and spelling it out, so it was easier to just say, “this is it.”

You inhaled sharply through your nose and closed your eyes, “This is it; this is the moment Javier and I need you now.”

When you opened your eyes Javier nodded, “Then confess.”

You walked to the confessional boxes and drew the curtain, Javier stepped into the other side.

This would be okay, wouldn’t it? This wasn’t going to damn you to hell, well, if hell existed you were pretty sure you were already going there, and if atonement was real then you’d atoned over and over, you felt genuine remorse for something you’re not even sure you did. Surely a little fun wouldn’t change that.

The blood was pumping fast through your veins, a sweet mixture of sexual tension and anticipation, knowing what you were going to do in a house of God and knowing you could get caught. More than any of this though was the excitement at the certainty that after this you would finally be able to let go and move on with your life.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“How is it you have sinned my child.”

“Many things, as a child I stole sweets from a shop.”

“And did you feel remorse?”

“As a child, no. As an adult, no…. because the shop owner liked to kidnap little children.”

Javier was silent for a moment, “Only God can judge,” he finally said.

“Yes father, I have sinned many times in my life, taken lives but the lives taken were mostly not innocent just like my own. But I was a part of something awful where innocents died.” “Go on.”

“Blackwater, a great ship, it sunk…it sunk because of us, my friends and me. A woman, an innocent woman who was terrified died in cold blood, died for no reason apart from the fact it was so chaotic, and we were panicked. She didn’t need to lose her life for that.”

“And did you kill her, after all if the ship was sinking then perhaps it was a mercy after all.”

“No, he did.”

You heard Javier shuffle and move closer to the window, “Who child.”

“My friend, my leader…I don’t think he meant to, I think he was just as scared and confused as we were but now, I cannot sleep.”

You paused for a moment, waiting to see if Javier would respond, when he didn’t, you took it as a sign to continue.

“Every night I have nightmares, they plague me like a sickness and I wake up screaming. I…I want to die.”

Javier continued in his silence.

“But suicide is a sin isn’t it father, I will burn in hell if I take thine life, but what I don’t think God realises is that hell is earth at times, for some of us. I don’t want to die, I want to live, I want to do good and make up for all the bad I’ve done during my lifetime, that would be possible wouldn’t it father? To make good on the wrongs of the past.”

“There is always time,” you could hear in Javier’s voice, it was breaking ever so slightly, because you hadn’t told him this. Hadn’t told him about the thoughts of suicide that crossed your mind daily.

“I nearly did once too…” better out than in. “I stood in the middle of the night whilst everyone I loved was asleep or other side of the camp on guard duty, the metal of my gun cold in my hands,” you paused.

“But you didn’t do it,” Javier sounded relieved, he could play a part well but he couldn’t completely hide his emotions.

“You my Lord, you saved me. The thought of you, of being wrapped in your arms, your kisses to my neck, your fingers touching me. The scent of you in the evening, your breath against my ear. You are the God that I live for, you are the reason I am still here.

Father…my god is infinite and wise; he loves me as I love him. Do you think he will forgive me.”

“You are forgiven, go in peace child.”

“What if I wanted to show him how grateful I was, I want to worship at his alter and shower him with love divine. Could I do that here? I need you to show me the way, to take my hand and guide me. Show me how after all these weeks of pain and torment, show me how to pleasure you, how to feel true pleasure. I need it now more than anything. Please guide me to your alter, show me how we can be as one, I want to be filled up with you Lord God, I want to taste you and worship like the dog that I am. Everything, and anything for you.”

Your hand had dipped between your legs, you were already soaked, dripping at the thought of Javier being just the other side and all the filthy things you were saying. Your voice hitched as you spoke, and you became aware that your breathing was louder and more irregular.

“My child,” Javier spoke as you heard him undo the buttons on his pants. “Are you partaking in pleasuring yourself.”

“I…God forgive me.”

“What if the only way you can be forgiven is to experience true and ultimate pleasure and just the sweetest bit of pain?” Javier sounded so unlike himself, there was an element there of hesitation, you knew he’d be nervous, his often-awkward self. But there was a renewed confidence in the way he spoke.

He let out a quiet moan, you pictured where his hand would be, gripping onto the base of his shaft and squeezing just a little before pumping slowly up and down, his breath a little ragged as your fingers continued to work between your legs.

Then Javier spoke again, “Come, show me how sorry you are, show me how much you want to repent. Come worship at my alter and give me all you have.”

You stood up and opened the door of the confessional, the door beside you opened and as you looked in you saw Javier look more glorious than ever before. His legs were spread wide, he had one arm behind him, resting his head on it, lazily, hungrily, and ready for you. His cock was visible and red, hard and throbbing. A glisten of pre-cum wet the tip, his hand was once again wrapped around the base but didn’t move, he just wanted you to look at it and see how much he had to give you.

“Come here,” he motioned for you with his index finger. You obeyed, not shutting the door behind you, you couldn’t even if you tried there wouldn’t have been enough room, but no one would see you.

You knelt on the floor and crawled to him, feeling his intense stare at the back of your head. You kissed his boots; you’d have licked the bottom if he’d asked you too. Then he moved his feet, lifting them and briefly resting them across your back, “You make a fine stool.” He commented. “One good enough for God himself.” You heard the familiar sound of slick on skin, knowing that Javier must have started to jerk himself again.

And then you thought about Blackwater, you thought about the girl and how helpless you’d been…yes…how helpless you’d been. It was like the position you were in now, completely bound and unable to have done anything differently even if you’d tried. You were as much as a victim as they were.

Javier removed his legs from you, “Look at me,” you obeyed. “Mouth open,” again you obeyed.

Javier rubbed his index finger over his leaking tip and leant down, smearing himself over your plump lips, the urge to lick was overwhelming, but as you went to Javier scolded you, “Ah no, not just yet, there what pretty lipstick that makes on you.” He slipped a finger into your mouth and explored the warm cavity within, slowly at first, just enjoying you and taking his time about it. You moved your tongue to caress his digit, he slipped a second finger in and started to fuck your mouth with his fingers. You worked in earnest, showing him just what you were capable of doing with your mouth, your tongue…how you could make him feel if he’d only let you go down on him.

“Beautiful,” he murmured. “Would you do anything for me?”

“Yes my lord…” you murmured careful not to scratch his fingers.

“Anything to repent?” Instead of answering you sucked his fingers harder and moaned as you did so, you could taste the salt on your lips as your saliva mingled with it and entered into your mouth, but you wanted more.

When he finally pulled his fingers out of you, there was a string of spit which remained, he pulled it to his cock and wiped. “Now, show me what you just did again,” he sat backwards and put both arms behind his head, his legs spread a little further as you got up on both knees and went to suck him. You tongue first danced on the surface of his warm and soft skin, you took small laps at the pre-cum, and licked all the way down the thick vein to the base. Popping one of his balls in your mouth and gently sucking, his cock bounced with anticipation and delight. Your hands went to his strong muscular thighs, so you had something to hold onto whilst you pleasured him.

Javier’s words of encouragement drove you to do better, to make him feel better. You placed your mouth into the perfect O at the tip and then popped his head inside your mouth. You were warm and wet for him, a perfect home for his cock to rest inside for a while. Slowly you inched down until all of him was buried within you.

“Ahh yes, good girl, so good at showing me how much you love me, how much you believe in me.”

Your head started to bob up and down, finding a comfortable pace you could keep up with, sucking when you felt it was appropriate and swirling your tongue around his member when needed. Occasionally you allowed him to pop out of your mouth like a lollipop, giving him a few seconds of air and to get his breath back before you continued your assault on him.

Then came the hands on your head, Javier held you still as he thrust his hips up and down, face fucking you.

“Say your rosaries,” he said in a raspy voice.

And you did, trying not to forget a single one, for each one you spoke he would thrust into your mouth and wait for you to say another before he continued. You felt drunk on his cock, more sweet salt spilling into your mouth as he got closer to the edge.

“Will you accept the body and blood of Christ?” He asked, barely able to breathe.

You gripped his thighs in a sign that yes, you would. A few more thrusts up and Javier gave a strangled moan as he came into your mouth. You wanted every drop; his seed would replenish you and nurture you. It was this liquid that was, in a fashion like gold to you and because your saviour had bestowed the gift upon you, you knew that everything would be okay.

Javier kept his cock in your mouth even as he started to go soft, he gently rocked himself muttering barely audible words of praise as he did. And then he pulled himself out, in many respects you’d expected it all to be over now, Javier had helped you gain a level of enlightenment surrounding your situation which you’d hoped for, and he had received pleasure. What you hadn’t counted on was that this wouldn’t be the end and for the role to be complete for Javier as well, he would require you to experience that pain, pleasure, humiliation and finally love.

“Stand.” He instructed, you bade as you were told. He did up his pants and too stood. When he did you were chest to chest. He pressed his nose against you briefly, you guessed it was to let you know it will still him, he still knew he was playing a role and loved you dearly.

“Turn,” he instructed. “Walk over to the alter.”

He couldn’t be, could he? The ache between your legs was unbearable, made worse by the fact that you’d been touching yourself for a while, you were now well and truly frustrated, even as you walked you could feel the heat and the moisture between your legs.

“Pull down your underwear and lean against the alter facing away from me.”

You did as you were told, your legs were spread with your under garments down as far as you could pull them, your skirts covered your exposed bottom. Javier lifted them, the cool air was a pleasant sensation. He smoothed a warm hand over one of the cheeks and then spanked you suddenly, your body shuddered against the alter, “Yes…” you murmured, “More.”

“More what?” He asked.

“My lord, sir…Daddy, spank me into submission.”

You knew Javier well enough to know those words would have made him quake a little where he was stood and that he’d proudly be wearing a smirk right now.

He placed a hand hard on your upper back and pushed you down onto the alter, caring not that several candle sticks fell as he did so, the sound surely loud enough to alert someone outside.

“Now spread your legs as far as you can.”

Moving your feet further to each side had the desired affect for Javier, you were exposing the most intimate part of your anatomy, your pussy was now parted and in perfect position for him to have his way with you.

“Hmm so tasty.” Suddenly you felt a finger by your entrance, and he slipped it right in without warning causing your knees to buckle and you let out a strangled moan. He fucked you a few times, his thumb occasionally grazing your clit. When you shook again he spanked you hard, “Stay still.” He commanded.

He spanked you again in the same place, again and again…getting hard each time. Between every 6-8 spanks he would spank your other cheek just for good measure.

And then came a spank in a place unexpected, he slapped your pussy, it stung irrefutably but there was also pleasure in it, he showed mercy after spanking by gently rubbing you with the palm of his hand, pinching your clit so hard it nearly hurt and then tickling it.

You did everything you could to stop yourself from shaking but it wasn’t enough, your knees were too weak for the assault on your body.

Spank…again…again… you felt hot tears in your eyes as the pain started to spread. He spanked your thighs too, there would be so many bruises and you hoped that if you got changed in camp a little close to Dutch or Charles or Arthur…any of them that they would see the marks on your body, that they would know Mr Escuella knew how to please you.

Javier took a few steps backwards; you heard his heels clipping on the floor and then the sound of wood creaking as he sat down on one of the pews. You wanted to stand up, to look behind you and see what was happening but it would ruin the game and risk spoiling the progress made. So, you remained silent, awaiting his next command. Without his hands near you your skin was starting to get cold.

“What a pretty pussy you have and it’s all mine,” he said. He let out a sigh, “Say a prayer, you are after all at the altar of God and it would be incredibly disrespectful not to praise him right now, after all look how much love he has given you. Pray for the souls of the lost, pray for those you want mercy from, for the atonement you so desire,” he paused, “And deserve.”

“Palms together, pray properly.”

And you did as you were told, palms together and much like a child at the foot of their bed saying their nightly prayers. You prayed silently though your words moved your lips. Javier stood up again and came over to you, you felt his presence right behind you as you continued in your prayer, determined that this was the moment when every word would come out, everything you needed to say to feel better, this was surely it.

Javier knelt down and without warning he kissed your aching cunt. Your breath hitched and you stopped praying, “Don’t you dare stop…after all look how good I’m being, it’s the least you could do,” Javier said as he licked a strip up from your entrance to your clit. “I know you think I can’t hear you, but I can… what would Dutch say if he saw us like this?”

Javier held onto your soft thighs, squeezing as he continued to lick you, his tongue dipping inside you, tasting your juices. You held tightly onto the alter, thinking that this must be the most sacrilegious thing you’d ever done or been involved in, this was worse than Black Water. But you didn’t have a chance to feel guilty when it felt so good. He licked slowly in long strips, his tongue gently playing with your clit, flicking it over and over again over the sensitive bundle of nerves.

“Javier…please,” you begged, you needed him inside you now, no ifs no buts. There was nothing in the world you wanted more than to be full of him and to see stars. He slipped a finger back inside you, past the knuckle, his rings rubbing pleasantly against the muscle of your walls, another finger and then another, scissoring as he pumped in and out. He removed his mouth from you for a moment, you were so cold against the air, swollen and red. You dribbled on the white clothes unable to keep your tongue in your mouth.

Javier spanked you again then blew onto your clit, making you shudder, “Oh Javier, I just need to cum.”

“Who do you want to come for?”

“You…the lord….God I need to come.”

“And have you fully repented?” He asked.

“Yes, I am truly sorry, I dedicate myself to you and the rest of my life, I will always be yours.”

“Good girl.”

Javier removed his fingers from you and put a hand on each cheek, he wobbled them pulling them apart and pushing them back together, he buried his face in between and nuzzled, his mouth on your cunt, his nose pressing against the entrance to your ass.

He returned to licking you, his fingers this time slowly pushing past the wall of muscle of your ass. It wasn’t an unpleasant sensation, it stung a little at first as anal was not something the two of you had ever tried so this was completely new. But it didn’t make it bad, it felt utterly filthy but you were too tired to protest, the way he pleasured you had left you completely drained of all energy.

“You like that? You like me filling up your dirty hole.”

“Hmmm.”

“What’s that? Tell me what it feels like to you, tell me how you like it. How much you want me to fill both your slutty holes. You’re so desperate for me aren’t you, such a needy thing, I’m not even sure if you’re grateful for this.”

He pushed another finger into your ass and scissored, further down and deeper into you. His other hand he stroked your thigh and slowly moved back towards the entrance to your cunt, he slipped two fingers inside at once and his tongue returned to kissing and sucking your clit. The noises that were being made were absolutely obscene, so wet and slick, the moisture on his fingers, his lips his tongue being rubbed all against your flesh.

“God yes, please, fuck me with your fingers, harder…” And Javier obliged, “Harder still….” Again he obliged and now as he went faster it was almost on the verge of pain but you felt blinded so nothing else mattered in the world, you couldn’t think about anything else, there was no guilt only pain and pleasure.

You felt yourself getting closer and knew that within in a minute you’d be a mess on the floor if Javier continued the way he was. You clenched around his fingers so tight as you could, Javier let out a mumble of approval from between your folds.

The feeling built in your stomach and travelled down to your cunt and up to your mouth, ready to leave your body in an explosion of pleasure.

Javier stopped abruptly as he could feel you were getting close, “Don’t you dare cum until I tell you to,” he continued to fuck you with his fingers as he spoke. You held your breath, trying to hold back the orgasm that was creeping up on you. Just how long could we hold out for?

“Please God let me cum,” you begged.

Javier, being the obliging type kissed you gently between your legs and then relented, “Yes, cum for me now and let it all go.”

You did as commanded, your legs bending slightly your body completely limp over the alter with no energy left, tears stinging your eyes you let it all go. For the first time in your relationship you felt more than cum leaving your body, you could hear the splashing of liquid across Javier’s face, his fingers getting drenched as your squirted all over him.

“Yes fuck, fuck, fuck…” all you could do was swear over and over, there was no time to feel embarrassed, no room for regret.

“Oh my baby girl, I did not know you could do that, I did not know I could make you do that…” Javier murmured as you heard the sound of him licking you, slurping every last drop.

You’d expected it to be over now, expected the lesson to have been learnt and for Javier to relent. What you hadn’t counted on was that Javier would be hard again and ready for more.

He unbuckled his belt and undid his pants once again. He used the slick from your body to lube up his cock, “Are you ready for me?” He asked breathy.

You lifted your head from the alter and nodded as best as you could. You wished you could fall to the ground, wished he’d fuck you on the floor but you knew if you tried then they’d be punishment from him.

“Yes, yes God I am ready, penetrate me, fill me with your seed so I may be born again, so I may be clean and pure. Cleanse my soul with your being.

He lifted your hips a little so that you were more laying across the alter, you heard the clang of metal and then something cold against your entrance, he slowly pushed an object into you, “Ahhhh,” you were completely the opposite of clenching now, needing every inch of you to be able to stretch to accommodate the object which you would later learn was a silver candle stick holder.

Javier chuckled watching you so helpless, after leaving it inside you for a minute he pulled it out, torture was the only word that sprung to mind.

Then he pressed his cock against your entrance and pushed in, bottoming out in one swift motion. He remained there for a moment allowing you to get accommodated to him and then started to thrust in and out at a fast pace. You knew Javier well enough to know that he wouldn’t last long, “You are so wet for me my darling, god my cock is just slipping in and out of you.”

His hand tangled up in your hair and gently he pulled back, you rose a little from the alter with your hair being pulled tightly by Javier, he pulled you right back into his chest, pressing kisses against your neck that turned into bites. Another hand came down and caressed one of your breasts, pinching and squeezing your nipple tightly. You could feel his breath on your neck as he moaned into you, Javier didn’t need to hold your hair now, you would have continued to lean back anyway just wanting to be close to him.

He continued to fuck you like a dog in heat, one of his hands now wrapped around your neck, the other followed, you fell forward a little as he gripped tighter on your neck making it more difficult for you to breathe. You started to see stars as he choked you.

“You’re all mine you know that,” he breathed into your back, “You like it when I choke you? Like it when I have your life in my hands.”

“Yes,” you tried to reply, but it was difficult with his strength almost constricting your windpipe.

“Oh I need to see your face,” he confessed as he let go of your neck.

You didn’t move, you simple allowed Javier to turn you over and pull you to the ground.

“Spread your legs,” he ordered.

You spread them, “No wider,” he ordered. You felt completely humiliated lying spread eagle for him, your hole exposed to the air. Javier knelt above you jerking off, then he spat between your legs and rubbed his thumb over you, you still hadn’t recovered from your previous orgasm and it made you shudder violently.

He spat again and then leaned over you, “Open,” he ordered, you opened your mouth and he spat into it. You shut your eyes and Javier paused, as if he were waiting for the safe word, maybe you didn’t like this as much as you had the night before. But you said nothing, the taste of his saliva on your lips felt like heaven.

Javier then entered you again, he stroked your hair as he fucked you, though your eyes remained mostly closed he continued to look at you whilst he continued, looking adoringly at what a pretty mess you’d become all for him.

“I’m close darling, are you ready for me,” he asked.

You didn’t really notice it happen but suddenly he stopped the act and all you could see was love, all you felt was love. Javier was making love to you again, all the rough had been pushed aside and perhaps this is what you needed at the end, you needed to go through all that pain with him to reach the other side and find love for yourself once again.

As he got close to orgasm he leant down and pressed a kiss to your lips, you didn’t plan on letting him go as you captured his lips between your own and continued to kiss him. When he came it was deep inside of you, hot spurts of cum tingling as he moaned your name, such a sweet release.

When Javier pulled back and looked at you, he was surprised at what he saw. You were laying still on your back, your eyes opened wide and staring at the ceiling of the church as if you’d seen God. Afterwards you would claim there was no other way to explain it than to say that at the end of everything you endured and reaching climax together that you had seen birth and death, you had witnessed the universe in its most primordial state and that you had seen the afterlife, you had been martyred in that respect.

“Javier,” you finally spoke after a few minutes, your eyes now moving to look at him, “Javier, my darling, thank you. It worked.” Javier had been sat over you, straddling your hips until he lay down on you, his head pressed to your chest just listening to your heartbeat slow down.

“It’s all okay my love, it’s all better now, everything will be okay.”

Javier sat up, his face too wore the mask of someone who had transcended and seen greatness, whilst it was an experience you doubted you would repeat again, at least not quite to the full intensity you had that afternoon.

You finally became aware of the noises of the outside world, a little shame flushed across your face when you thought of all the people who would worship in here not knowing what the two of you had gotten up to. And yet, it was love was it not? It was atonement, it was confession and you’d wanted to scream Mea Culpa before and now, these were no longer words that you felt would sound right coming from your lips. Javier had helped you to see the light and be free of the pain and inexplicable guilt you were carrying.

“Ay, it sounds like someone really wants to pray…” Javier muttered.

Then you realised what he was referring to, there was someone outside banging on the door and trying to get in.

“Ay ay, wait one minute, patience!” Javier shouted.

You stifled a giggle as he helped you to your feet, Javier removed his bandana and softly he wiped between your legs to ensure you were dry enough to get changed, then as you dressed he pulled up his pants and snapped his belt shut. Quickly he tidied up the alter, rubbing down the candle stick and placing everything where it was before, careful with it to be just perfect.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw him make the sign of the cross, you would ask him about it later.

Javier closed the doors to the confessional, then he looked at the floor where you were stood, it was still a little wet, glistening with evidence at the sin you’d committed. Again, his bandana came in handy as he got to work cleaning it up.

He sniffed the material afterwards and smirked, suddenly appearing goofy, you went to slap him away from it and he snatched it back close to his face, “I will enjoy this later.” He said leaving you wondering what exactly he was planning on doing with it.

“Now, one final instruction from me, kneel at the alter and pretend to cry,” he said.

You were confused, why would you do that?

As if reading your mind he added, “I need an excuse as to why this door has been closed and we’ve locked ourselves in here, so we lie, we say your mother died and you needed to be alone without anyone to witness your grief apart from god.”

That could work… You nodded and knelt down as Javier walked to the back of the church and unlocked the doors.

“I am sorry, her mother she just died and needed to be alone. She needed to speak to God and make her peace, it would have been impossible with anyone else in here.” You heard Javier make your excuses and smiled as you stayed in your position, head bowed, and palms of your hand pushed together.

After a short while Javier felt restless and fearing he would wake you he got up and dressed. He wrote a note to you in case you woke while he was gone, after last night the last thing he wanted to do was to worry you and make you think he’d left you.

My love, I’ll be back soon, we’ll go get breakfast and coffee. Love your Javi xx

Stepping outside the hotel Javier inhaled sharply enjoying the cool morning air, the weather was clear and crisp. The leaves on the trees had just started turning, hints of orange and yellow filtering through.

He walked round the town taking stock of who was about, stopping to say good morning to the farm animals, the sheep looked a little suspiciously at him. He knew he’d get some odd looks from people too with wishing sheep and horses a good morning, but Javier didn’t care. It’s something he’d done since he was young and didn’t plan on stopping now just to fit in.

After finishing his rounds and buying some sweets for you in the general store, he returned to the hotel.

“Good morning my darling,” Javier said on realising that you were awake.

You stretched, letting out a yawn. It was the first few moments on waking that you’d forgotten about the night before, but once you opened your eyes and looked at Javier all the memories came flooding back. Your cheeks deepened in colour, and you looked away across the room in shame.

Javier immediately moved across the room and sat next to you, “No, no shame mi amor.”

He took hold of your chin and tipped it upwards, so you were looking at him, you closed your eyes and heard Javier chuckle, “Why are you hiding from me?”

“After last night,” you started with your eyes still firmly closed, “I feel so embarrassed, how could I look at you again. Just how far it went, how much I wanted it and then how I didn’t want it at all, how I reacted, how I made you feel.” You felt yourself tremble as you spoke, hot tears desperate to escape.

Javier wiped the moisture away, “Please look at me.”

You opened your eyes when Javier cupped your cheek and leant into him, “Thank you.”

“I’m always here for you, I will always love you, you know that?”

You nodded, you never wanted Javier to stop talking, his words were healing to you, his tone, his accent and of course the sentiment themselves.

“Never be embarrassed in front of me.”

You looked up to meet his gaze and pressed your nose to his, you rubbed back and forwards, special kisses for your love.

“Now, are you hungry?”

Your stomach had been rumbling so you knew it was a silly question, of course you were hungry and in desperate need for a coffee, something strong and warm. Those words, they made you think of Javier.

He got up from the bed and reached out to take hold of your hand, the bed was so comfy it was hard to leave but the promise of food, especially of food with Javier and no one else around was too good to ignore.

Javier stepped back and sat in the chair in the corner of the room, you raised an eyebrow at him, “Javier, most men like to watch women get undressed.”

“I’m not most men,” he said, completely aware of how corny he sounded. He crossed one leg over the other, his boots were gleaming, he must have shined them whilst you were asleep, then he lit up a cigarette. Oh, those eyes as he watched you, prowling and dark, the way he sucked on his cigarette was nothing short of sensual and sexual. He inhaled deeply as he drunk in not only the smoke but your image as you moved around the room, bending over and putting your outfit together piece by piece.

Once you were dressed you looked at yourself in the mirror, no makeup on apart from a little residual eye makeup you’d missed the night before – it was smudged and with your hair looking like birds were nesting in it, it was obvious you’d had a very good night. You went to pick up your hairbrush when Javier stood up and placed a hand on your wrist.

“I like your hair like that,” he said.

You turned to look at him, Mr Pristine, the vainest of all the boys in camp, he couldn’t be serious.

You continued to lift the brush to your hair, “Please, keep it like that,” he pleaded, his lips were close to your ear as he spoke, wet noises, warm breath sending shivers down your spine. You got it, you realised why he liked it like this. It’s because if you looked like that whilst you were together, it was obvious how it got into that state and Javier would be the proud man by your side.

You stopped to look at him, “Mr Escuella, I do believe I know what you are up to.”

Javier stepped back and held his hands up as if to show his innocence, his expression was a little too shocked and completely put on, “Okay, okay, I admit it, it gives me a thrill seeing you like that. But…” he paused and placed a hand on your shoulder, “If you’d rather do your hair how you want, please don’t let me stop you.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to do what you want to do.”

“What would you like me to want to do?” You asked knowing how silly you sounded.

Javier laughed, “Darling, I love you with your hair anyway, makeup or no makeup. You’re right I’m a little…. cheeky today and so I like this messy look you’ve got going on. But if you’d feel happier and more comfortable doing it up, I don’t want to stop that.”

You put the hairbrush down, this is what you needed to hear from him right now.

“You know, I kinda like it like this too.”

At breakfast you sat opposite one another, opting for eggs, bacon, and bread – there was nothing better than a simple meal, well, a simple meal as long as it wasn’t one that Pearson had cooked. There was a great flask of coffee on the table steaming away.

“You okay?” Javier asked, noticing you move food around your plate.

“Yeah,” you nodded and promptly put some bacon and egg on your fork and eating it.

“Yeah I don’t quite believe you, what happened to you’re so hungry and loving this food?”

It was time to be honest, again, only this time you hoped it wouldn’t make you cry or feel sick again.

“Thinking about last night and where we go from here, before you say it, I know you’re okay with everything and nothing has changed between us. I know you love me and that hasn’t changed. It’s more about what we do…do we try again? Do we forget the whole thing and hope that all my anxiety and guilt eventually goes away. What happens if we try again and it’s worse next time, what if you can’t stop, what if I can’t say the safe word, what if you don’t even want to try again.”

“Shhh,” Javier reached over and placed a hand on yours, his thumb gently rubbing your knuckles, “You’re overthinking again my love. One thing at a time. I’m happy to try again, I’m also happy if you don’t want to, we don’t need to do it tonight, it can be tomorrow or next week. We can just have a romantic night tonight, I’m not going to go too far, I will always respond to the safe word.”

You knew Javier was telling the truth, he could never lie to you, “Thank you, shall we just take the day as it comes?”

You thought about blackwater as you sipped your coffee and how lucky you felt to still be alive. You knew the only way through this would be to persevere with the plan and get Javier to completely have you come undone. You sighed as you stared off into the distance, the look Javier gave you, well it was one that let you read his mind. He missed you, the old you, he missed how carefree and in love you both were, if only there was a way to bring that back. Javier Escuella would do anything.

“Javi, do you think we could pop back to Horseshoe Overlook for an hour today?” You asked, worried you’d sound a bit silly.

“Of course, but why?”

“Just to see everyone, some normality after last night… I want to read a story to Jack, I know how distracted he’s been recently. I also want to collect my notebook, I shouldn’t have left it there, what if someone goes through my stuff and reads it. It’s exactly the kind of thing that buffoon Micah would do.”

Javier chuckled at the use of your words, “If Micah touched anything of yours, I would teach him a lesson.”

“With your knife?”

Javier nodded, “With my knife.”

After breakfast you both got onto Boaz, you’d decided to leave your horse back at camp, you liked sitting behind Javier and wrapping your arms round his waist…You rested your head against the top of his back and your shoulder.

The gentle rocking motion as Boaz trotted along relaxed you into a state of bliss. You watched the world go by, the crows flying, deer and bison, small songbirds, rabbits running across the trail up ahead. Why couldn’t life be like this all the time?

Back at camp the others were happy to see you, Jack in particular had missed his nighttime stories and so ran over to you, even though it had been just one night, it was clear he wasn’t keen on change and having you both away was enough to make him uncomfortable.

Micah made some comment about you being away for a dirty night and then made another comment about Javier, on hearing Javier went over and punched him in the nose with no warning. It made you chuckle, but after just 15 minutes you remembered why you and Javier liked to get away from camp sometimes. It could be very busy, very noisy, very… a lot.

Inside your tent it thankfully appeared that there had been no one in there, your diary was where you expected it, so you stored it in your bag lest you forget it again.

Javier popped his head into the tent, “You okay?” He asked.

“Yes, all okay, got my notebook! I’m just gonna go write and look at the view for a bit if that’s okay and then we’ll take off.” Javier stood out of the way so you could get out of the tent, he pressed a kiss to your cheek. Arthur was stood looking out at the view, you could always count on Arthur, he was good to talk to and unlike some of the other men in the camp you knew there was no chance of Javier ever getting jealous.

“Hey Arthur.” He looked over somewhat in a daze, “You okay?”

“Yeh I’m a’right I ‘spose,” he said.

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah it’s just this business with Blackwater,” he said lighting up a cigarette, “You were there….what happened?”

You shook your head, “Honestly Arthur, I’m not sure I can even answer that question. So much happened all at once, I’m trying to make sense of it all, it happened so fast and there are some things I just can’t…I can’t be sure exactly what happened. All I know is I feel awful.” You sat down on the grass, playing with a dandelion.

“You gotta make a wish,” Arthur said.

You blew the dandelion and did what Arthur said, you wouldn’t tell anyone what you wished for but you knew Javier would guess.

Arthur sat next to you, “Yeah I get it, we’ve done some terrible things.”

“Yeah…Arthur do you ever regret things you’ve done or things you’ve been involved in?”

“All the time, but you just gotta try to put it behind you and keep going. Atone for it with better actions, no use dwelling on it or the feeling will eat you alive.”

“I know that feeling.”

“So you’re not holding up well over it?”

You shook your head, “No, Arthur the nightmares are horrendous…I feel sick if I think about it too much, I can’t sleep, I just want to cry. Too many innocents died, not to mention our own.” You looked over your shoulder to see if anyone else was nearby and to locate Dutch’s whereabouts.

“And Dutch…Arthur he’s not himself, something went terribly wrong on that boat. I’ve never seen Dutch react like he did on that day…I don’t know what we can do about it though.”

Arthur looked thoughtful, “Not much we can do about it apart from to pay attention and do what we feel best in the moment. But I agree, something has changed in the gang but I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

You saw Javier playing with Jack and scooted backwards to lean against a tree, “And that’s why you and Javier are going away for a few nights?”

“Yeah, I just needed some time alone with him being honest. There were things I needed us to work through as a couple, things that I knew would help me. But it’s not stuff we could do here.” Arthur raised an eyebrow, you were certain you even saw him blush a little, “Oh I see.” You giggled, “Shh don’t tell anyone!”

He raised his hands, “Don’t worry miss I won’t say a word to anyone.”

You thanked him and watched as he walked over to his cot. Opening your diary you inhaled the fresh smell of blank pages and leather. Homely, safe, in here you could get all your thoughts in order.