A Winner Doesn't Quit on Themselves

Silence permeated the trip back home to Skyhaven. So many times, words bubbled in your throat. Ways to cross the chasm of space between the two of you, but everything you could say seemed less impactful than Caleb deserved. He came running to you, even after you left things in such a mess. 

The entire way, you warred with tears, blurring your vision. The ache in your chest and the reminder that the world you were shaping came crashing back down on you. You closed your eyes, allowing the tears to slide down your cheeks. How could you feel so alone in this world? Before, you had everything - Grandma, Caleb, Zayne. Your life started to expand, and in came Tara, Simone, and Xavier. Your life was filled to the brim when Sylus and Rafayel also came into it, too. 

None of it mattered when the core three weren’t there. How had you lost them all? Josephine’s legacy in your mind was gone with her. Did she ever love you, or were you only a curious experiment to her? Did Zayne when he left you so easily? To protect you, yes, but staying was the harder option. He simply chose to ignore it. 

And Caleb…He wasn’t your Caleb anymore, but were you even his Pips? You both grew, matured, and changed with life's experiences. It wasn't lost on you that if you had never gone to Skyhaven to investigate, you would have never seen him again. 

But he was here now. That had to count for something. 

“Pips, we're home.” 

His voice was low, as if speaking any louder would shatter you. 

You nodded, eyes still closed, trying to wrestle your emotions back into Pandora's box. 

“I'm going to clean Shiqi's paws before we go in. Give me just a second,” he said. 

“Okay.” Your voice shook, but the moments to follow only brought on shuffling, and Caleb's presence closer to you. You heard Shiqi's bark. “He's a friend, Shiqi. It's okay.”

The quiet following made you believe the animal understood you clearly. Just as you took a breath and opened your eyes, Caleb stood in front of you. He placed Shiqi in your arms and lifted you both into his, carrying you from the plane to the house.

He held you so close, as if he were keeping all the pieces of you together. When you crossed the threshold, he carried you to your room, first sitting the two of you in the chair in your space. 

“Hold on for me to get Shiqi situated, and then I'll get you all cleaned up and warm. I promise.” 

You watched him work, bringing blankets and setting up a corner for Shiqi, mumbling about how he would order a bed and everything your new pet could need. You watched him even pet Shiqi with the gentlest touch and a soft smile. 

His eyes, like a sunset, turned their gaze toward you. Caleb moved into the ensuite bathroom, and you heard water running in the tub. After a minute, he returned with one of your large towels draped over his shoulder. 

His hand reached out for yours, helping you stand. “Let's get you out of these wet clothes, okay? I don't want you to get sick, Pips.” 

Unwrapping the blanket from your shoulders, he smiled at you. The easy smile he often wore when life was lighter. Seeing his lips form your favorite grin warmed your aching heart. The light of your Caleb still shone through this newer version of him. 

“Arms up,” he instructed you, and you obliged. 

Caleb peeled your shirt up and over your head. His eyes never betrayed him. They remained locked with yours. His hands moved down your sides to unbutton your jeans and slide them down your hips. The soft touch of his fingertips against your skin caused your breath to hitch. Still, he never looked down, only held your hand to help you balance while you kicked off your pants. 

He pulled the towel off his shoulder, holding it out in front of you, wrapping it around you. 

“Bubble bath should be nice and warm for you now. I'll give you some time alone before I come check on you and help you with your hair.”

Before he could walk away, you caught his wrist. The sight of him retreating triggered the deep-rooted fear that he would leave you again, too. 

“Caleb. I'm sorry.” Sorry for being so obstinate in learning the new side of him. Sorry for not being understanding that trauma can change people. Just like you changed, he was human. He was bound to change. You were sorry for all those things, but none of those words would surface.

He shook his head. “I'm sorry too for a lot of things, but we don't have to do this now. Let's talk about serious topics once you've eaten and had something fulfilling in your stomach. Right now? Get cleaned up. Step one. Bubble bath. Step two? Food. Step three? We'll talk.” 

You nodded, giving him a weak smile as you scurried off to the bathroom. You closed the door, dropped your towel, and your underwear before sliding into the warm tub. As you fully submerged, the bubbles cover every part of you. You kept sliding until even your head was underwater for just a moment, holding your breath, desperate to feel more than despair. 

Life would move on like it did when Zayne left the first time. But you didn’t want it to. It wasn’t until the knock on the door that you realized you hadn’t begun the first objective Caleb gave you. 

“You can come in, Cay.” 

Caleb leaned against the doorframe. His body filled up the entire entrance, it seemed. His arms folded as he looked at you, smirking. 

“Let me guess, you let your mind wander? The water is going to get cold soon, and the bubbles are going to dissipate.” He strolled over, sitting on the edge of the tub. “I get it. Your mind isn’t in the right place to take care of yourself. Until you can, I can take care of you if you let me.” 

As he spoke, he grabbed the washcloth and the shower gel. “Will you let me?” he asked directly this time. 

In a less emotional state, you would have fought him or whined. You would have told him you weren’t a kid anymore, and he didn’t have to take care of you, but tonight the dots connected. You wanted him to help you because your mind and body felt so numb and disconnected. 

“Yes. You can take care of me.” Your words left you curious about how he must feel hearing you say it for the first time since his return to your life. 

Caleb didn’t need another word on the matter. He simply started helping you wash your back. You closed your eyes as the sensation of his soft touch caused you to shiver. Yes, there was a barrier between your skin and his, but the knowledge of you being naked in a tub while Caleb helped you wasn’t lost on you. 

There was a line you two had never crossed. You barely got around to this new dynamic. Navigating hormones and attraction were low priority when explosions, death, and resurrection were at the forefront. Sure, you had always had a crush on Caleb, and you both warred with bouts of jealousy, but nothing ever came of it. It couldn’t. 

He was always older and constantly leaving for the next stage in his life. Your whole life, everyone thought of you as just friends. You even wrote it off as a one-sided attraction you made up in your own head, and now, as adults, you never had time to deal with any of those thoughts. 

Now, your mind raced chasing the warmth of his hand and the closeness of his form. You knew it was the desperation to feel something other than broken—the desperation to break the icy numbness encasing you. You knew it was grief and loss of one relationship that spurred you to cling to another. 

Your mind spun with so many warring thoughts you didn’t hear Caleb speaking. “Pips?” His brow rose as his face leaned closer to yours. His warm gaze held concern. 

“What?” you asked. 

“I said I got the major limbs, but I figured there were parts you wanted to handle yourself.” 

Noble and considerate as always, but he let out a surprised cough when you shook your head no. You didn’t want to be without the comforting heat of his hands on you. You didn’t want him to leave you alone with your thoughts. You had nothing more than the wild craving to feel something more than abandoned. 

“Cay?” You started, swallowing the nervous lump in your throat. “I need you.” 

“I’m here. I won’t go anywhere. It’s just that…” He trailed off, eyes fighting to stay above your collarbone as some of the bubbles had already melted away, leaving nothing to the imagination. 

“I want to feel something. Something to unfreeze this part of me that hurts more than any pain any wanderer could ever cause. Your touch chases away the numbness.” 

You watched his Adam’s apple work as he swallowed whatever he was about to say. Caleb’s eyes flickered with a hint of something you couldn’t pin down. 

“You don’t know what you’re askin’ for,” he said. His voice was strained and hoarse like a weak plea not to flip the switch. 

“I do. I’m asking you to take care of me in every sense of the word.” 

His breath hitched, and your heart raced. Caleb studied you in a way no one else could. He read you like a book, and you wondered what he was reading now.

“You’re lookin’ for a substitute for him. Whoever he is. In the mornin’, I’ll be the stranger you barely recognize again. I’ll be the mistake when you were emotionally wrecked by another man. In the mornin’, I won’t be him.” 

“No. I know what I’m asking, and I know who I’m asking.” 

You lift your hand to cup his cheek. He leaned into your touch and pressed his forehead against yours. He dropped the washcloth in the water, letting his hand grip the outside of your thigh. 

“Did he touch you like this?” he asked, as his hand roamed up and down the outside of your thigh. 

Heat traveled along your skin where he touched. His hand paused at your knee, gently spreading your thighs. Caleb’s thumb glided along your inner thigh. 

“No, never.” Your voice was a breathy whisper now that his hands were on you. 

 It was the truth. What you and Zayne had never turned physically intimate. He repeated the action on the other thigh, and your body trembled with anticipation. 

Caleb groaned at the sight of you shivering from his touch. Your legs opened wider as an unspoken invitation to touch you where you would feel it most. An audible gasp left him. His nose trailed along your cheek and down your neck, but his lips never touched your skin. 

“Pips…” he said, and it sounded like a warning not to push anymore buttons. 

But you did. You pulled him closer until he was in the water with you, clothes and all. He situated his body between your thighs with his arms on either side of the tub and his face buried into the crook of your neck, breathing you in. You wanted him even closer. Needed to feel him pressed up against you like a weighted blanket. Just as you reached out, he used his evol to stop your hands. 

“If we cross this line, no one will ever get remotely close to touchin’ you like this again, not in your heart, not in your life. You understand?” he asked, pulling back to meet your gaze. 

It was too soon for you to even decide that. Fresh from one heartbreak, you couldn’t recklessly run into another romantic endeavor. But he knew that. 

You registered his slight disappointment in your silence, but before you could say a word, his arms wrapped around you and he maneuvered himself into a sitting position, pulling you to straddle him. 

Your face was on fire as you noticed the way Caleb gazed at you. His eyes drank in your fully exposed form, staring at you like you were the last sip of water in a desert. 

His chest heaved, and he pulled you close. “We’ve gotta set some ground rules.” 

Your mind muddled as you combed your fingers through his hair. This was new territory for you both, but your body craved it.  

“Ground rules?” 

“You’re thinkin’ about another man, Pips. I’ll do anything for you, but when I kiss you for the first time, it won’t be because you’re cryin’ over someone else.” 

“So no kissing. Fair.” You nuzzle your nose against his. “I can work with that. What else?” 

His hands roamed up your sides, cupping your breasts, familiarizing himself with the feel of them. His thumbs ghosted over your nipples, coaxing them to pebble. 

Your mouth fell open, a moan slipping from you, and your hips bucked forward, but his evol stopped the action. 

“I’m in control. You move when I say.” 

You nodded as your body ached to be touched. You would agree to anything. 

“My clothes stay on. This is only to help you feel something more than numb.” 

Your eyes trail to his growing arousal. “But won’t it be agonizing?” 

“It won’t be the first time. But when we both participate, I want to be the only man in your heart and on your mind.”

His words left no possibility that it wouldn’t happen, just a matter of time. Your mind didn’t have the capacity to mull over that in the moment. Not when Caleb’s hand snaked between the two of you. His fingers teased along your slit before he reached your clit. 

“Mmm, Pips, is that what you wanted to feel? My fingers teasing your sweet little clit?” 

“Caleb!” you moaned, trying for shock, but his fingers against your sensitive button ignited the heat you craved. You tried to bury your face against his shoulder. 

“Don’t go shy on me now. You’re seein’ a side of me I’ve wanted to show you.” 

He pulled your gaze back to his. Your foreheads touched as your hips rolled against his fingers. “Cay, I need more.” 

How embarrassing was it for you to be begging, yet your touch-starved body didn’t care. 

His fingers toyed with you, gliding achingly slowly to where you most needed him. 

“How many fingers do you want me to stuff into your pretty little pussy?” Caleb asked, causing you to fluster. 

“Two,” you answered, biting your lip. 

How many nights had you touched yourself, imagining those fingers before? You wrote it off as an impossibility. Here you were in his arms, not the way you dreamed of. You were here with a broken heart. 

Caleb noticed your eyes changed, lifting your gaze. “Stay with me. Only me. I’m taking care of you. I’m making you feel good.” 

When he slid his fingers into your aching center, your mind snapped out of the downward spiral you were headed on, and a moan bubbled up your throat. 

“Fuck,” you cried out. 

Your mind muddled the moment his fingers curled, and the palm of his hand rubbed against your clit. Your greedy hips rocked, riding his fingers, while your hands gripped his shoulders. Your nails clawed at his wet shirt, letting pleasure overtake you. 

“Ride my fingers, take what you need,” he encouraged. 

His eyes were glued to you, watching your breasts bounce, and your hips chase his fingers. His fingers fucked you better than yours ever could. Better than you ever would again. His free hand gripped your backside, blunt nails digging into your skin as if he were holding onto you to keep from losing his composure. 

Your eyes met his deep purple, now. His gaze filled with need, causing your pussy to clench around his digits. The action brought forth a groan from him, his hips lifting of their own accord, craving friction that he denied himself and you. 

Caleb made one concession to his no-kissing rule. Instead of his mouth meeting yours, his lips pressed kisses along your chest. His tongue met your nipples, teasing the stiff peaks. You whimpered in response. You were absolutely putty in his hands, and somehow, he knew how to press every button.

You lost the rhythm of your hips as you greedily fluttered around his fingers and he drove you closer to your undoing. He kissed every bit of flesh he saw. Nipping at your skin, marking you. The warmth you begged to feel raged like a roaring fire through your veins as you came for him. The numbness temporarily subsided, and in its place was a hunger for more. 

But his fingers slipped from you as your chest heaved to catch your breath. Caleb pulled you closer, and you rested your head on his shoulder. 

“You okay, Pips?” 

All you could do was nod while your brain caught up with your body. Caleb helped you finish your bath and helped you out of the tub. He wrapped you in a towel and kissed your forehead.

“I’m going to get out of these wet clothes and shower. I’ll start dinner soon. Rest until then?” 

“Okay,” you said, no higher than a whisper. 

Before he left, he grabbed your body wash, hurrying out of the room as if you didn’t notice the sizable bulge he sported. Even in this weird place you two were in, he still put your needs before his own. 

He left you. 

That fact bounced around your mind, leaving you immobile, standing in the cemetery. You were still facing the way he left. You even watched every step. Counted them to see how many he would take before turning back to you. But he didn’t.

You thought perhaps you could say the words that clawed up your throat. They were a knee-jerk reaction to losing him before you could settle into your feelings for him. Words too advanced for your friendship. Time didn’t matter, nor did the lack of words to describe the relationship between the two of you. Would telling him how you felt make a difference? Would a last minute shout of those three words have made him turn around? Or would Zayne have continued on his path out?

Your feet hurt, your body ached with tension, but you stayed rooted there in the cold, hoping he would come back. Snowflakes touched your cheeks, melting on contact. They mixed with your tears as he left once more. 

Zayne left you. 

You took a ragged breath in, and it caused the dam of emotion you were holding in to escape you. A sob ravaged‌ your body, not just for Zayne, but for every loss you experienced. This year alone, you lost not just your grandmother, but the innocence of believing she was only the loving woman who took care of you. You lost your sense of self. You weren't just any person moving through the world. You were...more. You even lost Caleb. 

Your Caleb. The one who looked at you like you hung the moon and stars. The one who anticipated your needs. Who sometimes read your mind, knowing the remedy to problems you never vocalized. But you didn't lose him. You pushed him away because he was different upon his return to your life. His need to protect you was more intense and unrecognizable. 

Of all the people in your life right now  — Xavier, Rafayel, and Sylus  — you knew neither of them would have the remedy for this. Only one person felt like a can of soup to soothe a sore throat on a chilly day. Would he answer if you called? 

Before you could move, a nose touched your ankle, making you aware of your surroundings again. Shiqi didn't go with Zayne. Like your little protector, Shiqi nudged you as if to say we needed to move from this spot. The momentary awareness brought you back to the snowy surroundings, causing you to shiver. When you pulled out your phone, your hand shook and your vision blurred as you clicked the familiar photo of a smiling Caleb. 

“Pipsqueak?” 

He picked up on the first ring. 

“Cay,” you breathed out before another sob took over. 

There was a mixture of pain now. The loss of Zayne and the loss of closeness between you and Caleb. You didn't want to fight anymore. 

“What's wrong? Are you hurt? Where are you?” 

His rapid-fire questions came barreling forth, causing the tears to roll faster. 

“H-he left, Cay.”

“You stopped calling me when you were hungry, frustrated, or bored. But when you're heartbroken, I'm your first call. Why?” 

There it was, the bite in his words back again. The chill swooped in, stealing the warmth from his voice. 

“I understand now why you do that. That flip that makes you seem different.”

“Oh yeah? What do you think you've figured out, Pips?”

“You wanted to hear me say one thing.”

“Then say it.” His voice came through almost hopeful and desperate to know you finally understood his intensity. 

“You wanted me to need you.” 

“And it took another man for you to figure it out?”

“Caleb, it wasn't just any other man. It was -”  

“We’ll talk about whose ass I’m kickin’ when you’re here in my arms where you belong. Say it and I'm on my way.” 

“I need you, Caleb.” 

You could hear him let out a breath as if he’d been holding it for years, waiting to hear those words from you. 

“Come hide away in Skyhaven with me? I’ve got some things I can’t get away from. I’ll pick you up in twenty. Are you inside? It's snowing.” 

You lick your dry lips and again remember how cold you were. Being out there in the chill reminded you of him. It was as if you knew that leaving this spot could mean you might never see him again. 

“No. I'm at the cemetery.” 

Caleb cursed under his breath. “Make it fifteen.” 

While waiting for Caleb, your eyes travel back to the headstones of the people Zayne saved from a life of misery. You wished he would see it that way, but if he did, he would be here now. Not gone again, leaving as if he never existed in your life. As if he weren't important and necessary. 

“Damn it, Zayne,” you cried out to the wind and Shiqi, who nuzzled your leg. 

Both of you were so unused to loneliness now. Integrated into each other's lives like necessary puzzle pieces. 

The mere thought brought on a sob that knocked the wind out of you. You squatted, trying to breathe. Shiqi howled before regulating into a bark as an arm wrapped around you, pulling you up. 

Caleb wrapped a blanket around your shoulders, providing a small amount of warmth before he enveloped you in his strong embrace. 

“I've got you, Pips. C'mon. Let's get you warm.” 

He didn't let go, keeping a hold on you as you rested your head on his shoulder, walking to the plane. 

“When did you get a dog?” he asked, noting the barking pet following you. 

“Shiqi is...it's a long story.” You didn't have the energy to explain right now. “Is it okay if Shiqi comes with us?”

“Sure, we'll get some stuff for Shiqi when we get home.” 

Caleb was confused, but asked no questions when you boarded. He made sure you and your companion were comfortable, but you could tell by his eyes that he hated to see this side of you. You also knew that when you told him who hurt you, it would be personal. Zayne had left you both before. You almost wanted to lie, but Caleb could read you like a book. 

You just wanted to cry it out and exist for a while, but Caleb also deserved answers. He also deserved his own apology for the way you pushed him away, and for your lack of communication. 

“Caleb?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Thank you for being here when I called.” 

“Always.” 

[Next - Chapter 2]