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An excellent pink fucker. can regrow its limbs, which i find both monstrous and appealing. would also look incredibly dapper in a top hat, someone should photoshop that. 8/10 loses a point bc it really could be more pink, and bc i’m convinced this little shit muppet has the motivations of bill cipher (though thankfully not the abilities to act on it).

next up, orchid mantis! I love me a good orchid mantis. for people who are terrible at keeping orchids alive, but have considered getting a pet, might i recommend:

another utterly excellent pink fuck. i like this pink fuck. i like everything about it. i especially like the eyes, which are both atypical and nefarious. in fact, i like them so much i’m just going to spend a few minutes quietly starting into them.

i…what was i saying. right, orchid mantis/ has the ability to hypnotize their prey, it would seem, and they are coming for me. 10/10 flawless

pink fairy armadillo. also a good pink fuck. 5/10 needs more pink

handfish. 2/10 not pink at all. that is light red. gets points for walking around, which fish categorically should not do. 

naked mole rats. i have a lot of feeling on naked mole rats, most of them based in fear and spite. i really struggled with rating this one, because i am naturally antagonistic towards mole rats, and do no want to say good things about them. but what the fuck. they are powerful. they are supremely unlikely. they live and conduct their empire of violence in the most improbable and unsurvivable of conditions, all while upholding a lifestyle more suited to an ant colony or possibly a 16th cent european monarchy than an actual mammal. queen naked mole rats are not born but made, presumably in a process reminiscent of hunger games. they are the world’s longest-lived rodent, yet another reason i would hesitate to make one my nemesis. they are born nakey, they die nakey, and in between they dig and swagger and go about their moley little business: nakey. i can get with that. 10/10, i resisted it but they are the epitome of an excellent pink fucker. here’s a picture of rufus from the live action kim possible bc i’m too nervous to look at the real thing.

huh. this was a mistake actually.

finally i give you, the roseate spoonbill. i have rated them before and i hold firm opinions on this creature, which have fled from me at the moment.

i want to say insulting things. i do. like that this bird is just copyright infringing on the flamingo. or that this is the furry equivalent of a anime protagonist. or that someone has clearly just attacked a pelican with a bath bomb. but i can’t get over its eyes:

its EYES. do pelicans have eyes like that. with such seething red fury. such frothing disdain. there is no mercy, no sympathy, no possibility of redemption in these eyes. if a roseate spoonbill makes eye contact with you, truly it is over. you have failed. your heart has been weighed on a scale and found wanting; feed it to the alligators, for its only use is as scrap meat. jessica rabbit christ those eyes. i decline to rate this creature, for my own peace of mine. gods know it has already judged me.