Sam shook his head. He never, for a second, doubted his familyâs love for him. After everything, he didnât think his beingâŠwhatever he was, whatever label he settled onâŠhe never thought that would make any of them turn away from him. Not his immediate family, anyway. His extended family was another matter, his hometown was a beast all its own. Heâd put his family through enough. And there was still the lingering fear he might be wrong. Maybe it would matter, maybe it would change things.Â
He rubbed one eye, suddenly aware his hand is wet when he pulls it away. He doesnât know at one point heâd started crying, hadnât even realized he was actively crying. Tears just welled up and fell freely while he concentrated on not breaking down completely. Doug always got him, always knew how to get to the heart. He didnât know if it was his powers making people easy to read, or if Sam really hadnât changed that much after all, but it hardly mattered. He doesnât correct him when he seemingly lumps Jay in with the others in the present tense. Of all things, that might be what breaks him.Â
He leans back, wipes his eyes, and takes a shaky breath. He doesnât know how to explain this without sounding paranoid. He doesnât know how to make the fear sound rational. Itâs a fear heâs carried for years, for so long it almost feels comfortable to just. Leave it there. Itâs familiar. Itâs safe. Maybe it made sense years ago, when he was young and didnât know much beyond his hometown and shouldered more responsibility than any kid his age probably healthily should. Now, life was different. But the fear rooted in just the same. How do you explain that sometimes you just get used to hiding, that sometimes it becomes less about the fear of being found out, and more about just keeping things as theyâve always been?
ââm not afraid of my family.â He says, voice still wobbling. âIâŠI was. Before. But I mean, I kinda already hit rock bottom havinâ tâ tell my mom I got a girl pregnant anâ she used alien tech to have the baby in, like, a couple âa months and now she had a grandson. I think after that, thereâs not much more sheâll get mad at me for. Anâ she loves Josiah, so I think sheâs over that, too.â He laughs, despite himself. His mother had been furious, for all of about seven hours. Even then, it never felt like she was mad at him. Exasperated, maybe.
âIt justâŠfeels like it would change things. That sounds stupid. I sound stupid right now, but. I donâ want my mama worryinâ about me more than she already does.â Once he starts, it feels like he canât stop. He doesnât even know if his worries make sense, just knows Dougâs cracked the dam and heâs pouring out. âAnd cominâ out, I canâtâŠI canât just take that back, yâknow? Whatever happens as a result, thatâs on me. That town already hates us for plenty âa reasons, and addinâ one more wonât cancel the others out. It might make it worse. I never got to tell my dad. Donâ actually know he wouldâve reacted, anyway. I-I canât tell Jay anymore. I had time, and I just. Didnât. I didnâ know I wouldnâ have time. I-I thoughtââ His voice creaks, nearly breaks, and he veers away from that topic, hard. He clears his throat, takes a breath. Speaking of things he canât take back. Doug keeps throwing that word around, casual, like itâs not a gut punch every time. Maybe, to him, itâs not. Maybe itâs easy, simple.Â
âIâŠI love you. Have for a long time.â Admitting it actually doesnât feel as heavy as heâd always thought it would. The world keeps turning, Doug doesnât evaporate into nothing, none of the horrible things that have played out in the dreams heâs had about saying it happen. Itâs wild how nondescript real life can be. âBut itâs notâŠItâs not that simple, Doug. Beyond me not beinâ out.â
Doug could tell that Sam had been struggling with anxiety probably all his life, his fear of not doing enough, blaming himself for everything little thing that was out of his control, and not loving himself despite the fact that around him there had been nothing but love. His hometown was not kind to mutants, Doug knew that but he couldnât really see that as something that would ever impede Sam. The assholes of that town were nothing but idiots who could easily be taken care of, Doug knew heâd burn the world for this man, and it was scary realizing just how much he truly loved Samuel Guthrie.
And then there were tears, Dougâs heart shattering into tiny little pieces but he stood his ground letting Sam have his moment. It felt as if there was fire coursing through his veins, unable to go and hold Sam was the hardest thing heâs ever experienced, and the most painful. Dougâs breathe was shaky as his hands clenched into fists trying to simply let this be and not rush to Samâs side the second he saw tears. He had to let the man let it out, to feel all of these emotions and go explain just what went through his mind.
Doug sighed, as far as he was concerned Izzy would always be on his shit list. A hint of jealous and venom at the mere thought of her, but he knew he couldnât hate her, without her there would be no Josiah, there would be no little Sam running around, and Doug wouldâve never met his other favorite person in the world, someone else to live for, see him grow up, laugh with him, cry with him, and always be there for him. âKind of hard to be mad when heâs that cute, and he looks just like you, just a lot cuter.âÂ
âYour mom will always worry about you Sam, weâre x-men and mutants, she knows the world isnât really welcoming to our kind. Being a mutant is not something you can hide, we all know that much, and weâre hated for it, so I know how it feels to hide another part of you.â Or at least he used to. âComing out is your choice and yours alone, but in all honesty, itâs probably the least scary part of our lives. We deal with world conquering aliens, mutant killing robots from the future, and hell even other mutants who are vampires or blue guys with Egyptian motifs.â The second Sam stops at Jayâs name, Doug is in front of him, pulling him into a hug as he wraps his arms around him. âI know sammy boy, i know.â And their foreheads are pressed together as Doug wipes away Samâs tears, seeing just how vulnerable the indestructible cannonball truly was.Â
Hearing those words come out feels like a fever dream, one where heâd gladly stay in for the rest of his life. âI love you too, more than anything. I love every part of you Sam, I love you, your family, Josiah, everything in the world that is Sam Guthrie Iâve loved.â it doesnât take long for his own tears to start rushing down again, looking into Samâs eyes and wishing he could take all the pain heâs felt over the years away. A clean slate for them, but he didnât have those powers.
âYou donât have to come out to the world, all I want is to hold your hand.â His voice cracked slightly brushing his thumb against Samâs cheek. âNothingâs ever simple for us, but I donât care about how scary or messy it is, as long as I get to do it all with you.â