talk nerdy to me

╰┈➤ @reshieldedstart​ !

courtney wrinkles her nose in a failed attempt not to visibly cringe. “has anyone ever told you that your name sounds like the world’s worst off-brand cereal?“

...

“it’s short for douglas, but you’re not the first person to tell me that.”

Doug pulls him in close, and Sam bites back the instinct to push him away, to deny himself the comfort. He doesn’t think he’s cried like this since…well, it had been a while. It didn’t feel good. It didn’t feel cathartic. It made him feel hollow, and wrong. He hated it. He wanted it to stop. It died down, eventually, silent sobs petering out to indignant sniffling, and after taking one deep, shaking breath, he pulled away, just enough to rub his eyes, hard. Like that might erase it or something. 

Looking at Doug, so close to him now they were practically sharing the same air, he feels a familiar pang of…something. He’d never been able to pinpoint what it was, just knew Doug was one of the few people who could practically crack him open with just a look, and it probably should have made him more uneasy than it did. With anyone else, maybe it would. But Doug was safe. Had always been safe. He’d placed a lot of trust in Doug, once upon a time, and he’d never given him a reason to regret that. It…almost feels like fondness, now that he thinks about it. But more than that. He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure.

“Doug, ‘m not. ‘m not really scared of all that other shit. I mean. I am, but. At least some world conquerin’ alien or ancient blue mutant doesn’ act like my friend for most ‘a my life ‘til they find out ‘m not like them.” That applied to a lot of things, his status as a mutant included. That had been the only detail to really spread, and, well. The effect hadn’t been pretty, even if his mother was perfectly capable of holding her own. He didn’t like the idea of adding more worries on her shoulders. 

But he really had a way of making it sound…like something he could do. He wouldn’t, not yet, but. It was something to consider. With Doug here, so so close and yet somehow still feeling too far away from him, like there’s still that one wall he hasn’t quite managed to break down, his mind races. Maybe he could. Maybe. But that’s a thought for another time. Now, Doug is in front of him, he’s right here, and Sam…Sam wants him closer. He leans in again, absently sweeping his thumb across Doug’s cheek, cupping his face gently in one hand. He doesn’t press forward, doesn’t make a move. He just…looks at him. Holds him there.

“I don’…I don’t know if ‘m ready for anythin’ serious right now.” He admits, softly, like it’s some secret that his last relationship had been disastrous. “I do know I like you. I love you. I…I think I just need t’, uh, slow down. Y’know? I fucked up the first time. With. With us. I fucked up bad. I don’ wanna do that t’ you again. Y’ deserve better than that. Better than me, really, but. Yer makin’ yer own choices here, I guess.” He chuckles, still just…watching him. Taking him in.

...

Doug could see the many layers peeling away revealing the scared little boy from long ago, wanting to reach out for something that seemed to be impossible. He wished he could take all that fear and pain away, to make sure no one would ever treat him differently for something he did not choose, it just was. But he knew all too well how the world would never be that kind. Not even death could ever take away those feelings, the need to be so close to someone and know that they felt the same, there was nothing greater in life that that.

“if they leave for something as little as that then they were never really your friend to begin with. sam, as mutants we’ve faced the same kind of judgment anybody who isn’t straight has. if anybody ever treats you different because of it then...i might just have to sick the cuckoos on them.” he gigged.

How could someone be standing so near to him but seem to be an oceans away. How even a touch felt nothing like nothing but the ghost of a whisper. And then Sam is touching him in the ways he used to when they were young, foolish and in love. His eyes locked with Sam’s as he takes a deep breath simply wanting to stay in this moment with this man that means the world to him. His mind doesn’t race, his heart doesn’t stop, he’s just happy, happy to be alive again, happy to get the chance to be in love all over again with the same man.

“i know, i can wait for you.” doug promised, giving sam a half smile as if he already knew that was something he would say. “i love you too.” his face saddened a little bit, but he finds reassurance in sam’s words about how he wants to do this, but do it right this time, take it slow and not make the same mistakes his younger self did. “sam, there is no one better out there for me, and even if there was, he wouldn’t be you, and you’re all i’ve ever wanted.”

doug takes a step forward and the thought of kissing sam crosses his mind, but he stops himself, simply going to peck his cheek instead before pulling back. “baby steps,” he mused before taking the man’s hand in his. “doesn’t mean i won’t treat you the same way i did back then though.”

｡ﾟ･ ✩ doug ramsey !

❝ yeah maybe. just need to sort a few things out before i put myself back on the dating market. ❞ he replies haphazardly. sure he’s been on a few dates here and there and done the ODD hook-up but nothing concrete just yet. ❝ honestly, it’s just a joke. i just think it would be funny if someone googled my name and then added daddy. don’t really need or want anyone calling me that i promise. ❞ roberto laughs. ❝ and i don’t have any feelings for anyone. sure i’ll help you ! that’s what friends are for ! so. who’s the lucky guy then ? ❞

｡ﾟ･ ✩ berto da costa !

“honestly, i think you can do whatever you want berto, just make sure you don’t go breaking too many hearts out there,” he mused. “if you’re sure about that then i won’t worry, but even if your name is under daddy on my phone, people will think it’s my father so i’m super safe from any sort of judgment.” he grinned. “seems like a lie, but sure i won’t pry. I..can’t say, not yet.”

          @reshieldedstart​​    //    “  I  OVERHEARD  SOMEONE  SAY  ‘  how  am  i  supposed  to  live  laugh  love  in  these  conditions  ?  ’  and  i  gotta  agree  with  them  .

...

“how can something so pretty say something so utterly wrong?”

｡ﾟ･ ✩ doug ramsey !

❝ if i hated you, i wouldn’t friend-zone you. ❞ he taps one of doug’s shoulders. ❝ besides me and a relationship ? right now ? we’re not on speaking terms anyways. ❞ just doesn’t have time for one right now. ❝ or daddy. i’m perfectly okay with daddy. but that’s probably a conversation to be had with someone else. ❞ he looks down as if he’s admiring himself. ❝ to you maybe. but to me, i’ve been SLACKING. ❞

｡ﾟ･ ✩ berto da costa !

“fair, but still it stings a little bit,” doug teased chuckling lightly as he feels berto tap his shoulder, relaxing a bit more at the touch. “hasn’t that been the common denominator here,” at the name daddy he scoffed, rolling his eyes playfully before shoving berto a little. “explain to me your fascination with being called daddy because i for one do not get it. you mean the person you’ve still got feelings for?” he mused. “if you go to the gym you could definitely help me out a little bit, want to look good for something i’m planning on doing soon.”

          @reshieldedstart​​    //    “  DO  YOU  EVER  JUST  wonder  how  people  can  confidently  say  things  with  their  whole  chest  and  be  wrong  ?  it  could  not  be  me  .  ”

...

“Yes, that happens to me all the time, like I can not tell you how many times people try to prove me wrong and then they look stupid.”

｡ﾟ･ ✩ doug ramsey !

❝ okay now i feel better. thanks for soothing my ego there. and love you too buddy. you’re a great friend. all of you. ❞ he tilts his head to the side before laughing. ❝ jock ?! well okay then. i know i’m hot so i’m good with whatever fits me best. though i do think i’ve been LACKING in my gym time lately … ❞

｡ﾟ･ ✩ berto da costa !

“if i’m good for something it’s clarifying,” he laughed. “dang, way to dump me into the friend zone berto, just say you hate me.” doug smirked rolling his eyes playfully. “i mean at the end of the label the only thing you wanna hear is yes berto.” he couldn’t stop the smile that came over his lips. “doesn’t really seem like it by seeing all of that.”

.

Sam shook his head. He never, for a second, doubted his family’s love for him. After everything, he didn’t think his being…whatever he was, whatever label he settled on…he never thought that would make any of them turn away from him. Not his immediate family, anyway. His extended family was another matter, his hometown was a beast all its own. He’d put his family through enough. And there was still the lingering fear he might be wrong. Maybe it would matter, maybe it would change things. 

He rubbed one eye, suddenly aware his hand is wet when he pulls it away. He doesn’t know at one point he’d started crying, hadn’t even realized he was actively crying. Tears just welled up and fell freely while he concentrated on not breaking down completely. Doug always got him, always knew how to get to the heart. He didn’t know if it was his powers making people easy to read, or if Sam really hadn’t changed that much after all, but it hardly mattered. He doesn’t correct him when he seemingly lumps Jay in with the others in the present tense. Of all things, that might be what breaks him. 

He leans back, wipes his eyes, and takes a shaky breath. He doesn’t know how to explain this without sounding paranoid. He doesn’t know how to make the fear sound rational. It’s a fear he’s carried for years, for so long it almost feels comfortable to just. Leave it there. It’s familiar. It’s safe. Maybe it made sense years ago, when he was young and didn’t know much beyond his hometown and shouldered more responsibility than any kid his age probably healthily should. Now, life was different. But the fear rooted in just the same. How do you explain that sometimes you just get used to hiding, that sometimes it becomes less about the fear of being found out, and more about just keeping things as they’ve always been?

“‘m not afraid of my family.” He says, voice still wobbling. “I…I was. Before. But I mean, I kinda already hit rock bottom havin’ t’ tell my mom I got a girl pregnant an’ she used alien tech to have the baby in, like, a couple ‘a months and now she had a grandson. I think after that, there’s not much more she’ll get mad at me for. An’ she loves Josiah, so I think she’s over that, too.” He laughs, despite himself. His mother had been furious, for all of about seven hours. Even then, it never felt like she was mad at him. Exasperated, maybe.

“It just…feels like it would change things. That sounds stupid. I sound stupid right now, but. I don’ want my mama worryin’ about me more than she already does.” Once he starts, it feels like he can’t stop. He doesn’t even know if his worries make sense, just knows Doug’s cracked the dam and he’s pouring out. “And comin’ out, I can’t…I can’t just take that back, y’know? Whatever happens as a result, that’s on me. That town already hates us for plenty ‘a reasons, and addin’ one more won’t cancel the others out. It might make it worse. I never got to tell my dad. Don’ actually know he would’ve reacted, anyway. I-I can’t tell Jay anymore. I had time, and I just. Didn’t. I didn’ know I wouldn’ have time. I-I thought–” His voice creaks, nearly breaks, and he veers away from that topic, hard. He clears his throat, takes a breath. Speaking of things he can’t take back. Doug keeps throwing that word around, casual, like it’s not a gut punch every time. Maybe, to him, it’s not. Maybe it’s easy, simple. 

“I…I love you. Have for a long time.” Admitting it actually doesn’t feel as heavy as he’d always thought it would. The world keeps turning, Doug doesn’t evaporate into nothing, none of the horrible things that have played out in the dreams he’s had about saying it happen. It’s wild how nondescript real life can be. “But it’s not…It’s not that simple, Doug. Beyond me not bein’ out.”

˙ ˖ ✶ sam guthrie

Doug could tell that Sam had been struggling with anxiety probably all his life, his fear of not doing enough, blaming himself for everything little thing that was out of his control, and not loving himself despite the fact that around him there had been nothing but love. His hometown was not kind to mutants, Doug knew that but he couldn’t really see that as something that would ever impede Sam. The assholes of that town were nothing but idiots who could easily be taken care of, Doug knew he’d burn the world for this man, and it was scary realizing just how much he truly loved Samuel Guthrie.

And then there were tears, Doug’s heart shattering into tiny little pieces but he stood his ground letting Sam have his moment. It felt as if there was fire coursing through his veins, unable to go and hold Sam was the hardest thing he’s ever experienced, and the most painful. Doug’s breathe was shaky as his hands clenched into fists trying to simply let this be and not rush to Sam’s side the second he saw tears. He had to let the man let it out, to feel all of these emotions and go explain just what went through his mind.

Doug sighed, as far as he was concerned Izzy would always be on his shit list. A hint of jealous and venom at the mere thought of her, but he knew he couldn’t hate her, without her there would be no Josiah, there would be no little Sam running around, and Doug would’ve never met his other favorite person in the world, someone else to live for, see him grow up, laugh with him, cry with him, and always be there for him. “Kind of hard to be mad when he’s that cute, and he looks just like you, just a lot cuter.” 

“Your mom will always worry about you Sam, we’re x-men and mutants, she knows the world isn’t really welcoming to our kind. Being a mutant is not something you can hide, we all know that much, and we’re hated for it, so I know how it feels to hide another part of you.” Or at least he used to. “Coming out is your choice and yours alone, but in all honesty, it’s probably the least scary part of our lives. We deal with world conquering aliens, mutant killing robots from the future, and hell even other mutants who are vampires or blue guys with Egyptian motifs.” The second Sam stops at Jay’s name, Doug is in front of him, pulling him into a hug as he wraps his arms around him. “I know sammy boy, i know.” And their foreheads are pressed together as Doug wipes away Sam’s tears, seeing just how vulnerable the indestructible cannonball truly was. 

Hearing those words come out feels like a fever dream, one where he’d gladly stay in for the rest of his life. “I love you too, more than anything. I love every part of you Sam, I love you, your family, Josiah, everything in the world that is Sam Guthrie I’ve loved.” it doesn’t take long for his own tears to start rushing down again, looking into Sam’s eyes and wishing he could take all the pain he’s felt over the years away. A clean slate for them, but he didn’t have those powers.

“You don’t have to come out to the world, all I want is to hold your hand.” His voice cracked slightly brushing his thumb against Sam’s cheek. “Nothing’s ever simple for us, but I don’t care about how scary or messy it is, as long as I get to do it all with you.”

.

Sam had spent his entire adolescence being perfect. He’d taken care of his siblings long before his father had passed, juggling school of his own and making sure all of them were fed and cared for and looked after. When his father had died, and that responsibility morphed into becoming the breadwinner for the family, well. It was a lot. He’d used that to justify the more childish, hurtful decisions he’d made. He’d spent so long having to be serious and mature. Didn’t he deserve something he wanted? Maybe so, but he didn’t deserve it at the expense of others.

Doug had said then he was fine with it. He didn’t mind sneaking around, didn’t mind that Sam wouldn’t kiss him out in the open, wouldn’t so much as lean against him if someone else was in the room, didn’t care that when people were around, he was just a teammate. And maybe he didn’t. But things got deeper than Sam had ever meant for them to, and by the time he’d started thinking he might have made a mistake, they lost Doug too. He’d been in charge. Doug’s death had been on his hands. It had cut deep. 

Getting him back hadn’t helped. It did nothing to ease the guilt, not over his death and definitely not over what he, at the time, thought he needed to do. He had to put some kind of distance between them. He’d liked him far more than he’d intended to, cared about him more than he had any right to. Couple that with the feelings he’d been holding back for another teammate and, well. It was all too complicated. 

But that was years ago. Some things had changed. Some hadn’t. Had enough really changed, though? He didn’t know. He did know he still cared about Doug, deeply. And Doug cared about him, and cared about Josiah, which honestly held more weight. But he and Izzy had broken up –If you could even call it that. Their relationship was beyond complicated. That just seemed to be Sam’s MO.– and that had been, what, a few months ago? And then Doug came back again. Life just seemed intent on throwing him one curveball after another.

“I don’ think I could take losin’ you again.” He admitted softly, “But. You shouldn’ have to hide. There’s plenty ‘a other guys that could do more. I jus’ don’t get why, after everythin’, you’d still want me. ‘m not…I can’t. It isn’ like it used t’ be. The whole team knows, about me. Y’know. It’s kinda an open secret. But I haven’t told my family. Don’ even really know how.”

˙ ˖ ✶ sam guthrie

Years ago he was just a boy recruited to translate a few things, able to interpret alien language and create a bond that would last a lifetime. No matter how short that lifetime actually was. Who would’ve thought that the young boy who used to be afraid of everything would be the one to commit a fearless act for a loved one. Doug could see the way that little act cost his family, how they still carried that fear in their eyes, that pain that would never quite go away even if he was back. He could see it in Sam’s eyes, the way he wanted nothing more than to reach out, but was too afraid of Doug turning to sand in his arms, disappearing once more. Another vanishing act for Doug Ramsey.

Years ago he was just a boy who became a secret to another boy. A secret that helped form the storm at sea that brewed between them, how the rise and fall of the tides kept them both in unsteady waters, trembling, hoping to reach some semblance of shore, but not without the other. He was the whisper of sweet nothings, the ghost of stolen kisses, and the shadow of a loving embrace that no one would ever be allowed to see. Doug had been all those things, and had it been any other boy, he would’ve stopped, had it been any other boy, he would’ve walked away, but walking away from Sam Guthrie was walking away from joy itself.

Years had passed and Sam was still that boy, more grown up, more muscle and sinew of man, more definition on his body, but eyes still scared all the same. Sam had never planned on seeing Doug again, and he could see with his own eyes that his very presence was another question mark, one that cracked the surface just a bit to let that fear seep in once more, and now the man all grown up, was just that same boy. The same boy who held his hand, the boy who hid with him in closets and giggled as they kissed. The same boy who asked if he was okay the first night they explored more than just kisses and words.

“There are plenty of other guys, but there’s only one of you. No guy could ever be you Sam, and I don’t want any other guy, that’s just the thing.” he mumbled, looking at him longingly. “Your fear to tell your family is misplaced, Sam Guthrie.” Doug chuckled thinking back on all of Sam’s family and how they were. “Do you think Lucinda, the woman who held a shotgun at a man’s face for threatening her child, the woman who loves every one of her children mutant or not unconditionally, the woman who in a state where there’s nothing but bigotry and hatred found love with a man of color, raised Ray Jr., would ever turn away her eldest son for something as silly as liking boys too?”

“Sam, you helped raise your siblings, paige, jay, jeb, cissie, lewis, elizabeth, joelle, they’re all amazing and wonderful people and it’s in big parts thanks to you. I do get being afraid of coming out in a place like that, but coming out to them? Sam, they would burn the world for you and everything in it. If I know one thing in this world is that when a Guthrie loves, they love with all their might and forsake the world if it’s against them.”

“Sam, I love you, and that’s never going to change. I just wish that you could give yourself a little bit of love as well, not just for me, but for Josiah, for your mom, and for your siblings. As for telling them, you can do that whenever, I can pretty much give you the play by play of how it would turn out. Lucinda would hug you and she’d say nothing’s changed, and she’d probably smack you for thinking it would. Paige and Melody would ask who you think is cute, Jeb would say okay and? Ray would probably laugh and be like I know, Jay would hug you, Joelle well she’d ask a more salacious question, the twins would not care, and Elizabeth is probably queer.”

“You’ve been surrounded by love all your life, and that’s not going to change. You are loved Sam, you are love.”

Sam topples to the ground, Doug just inches away. Logic wins out before impulse can scream loud enough, and he blinks when Doug gets up. It’s another beat before he stands himself, shaking his hands a bit. He just nods when Doug insists he wasn’t waiting. He knows him, knows him better than he probably has any right to, after everything. He doesn’t argue, though. 

When Doug tells him to speak first, it feels like every word sticks to his throat. Where does he start? Which thing does he apologize for first? Does he start with today, or does it start where it all really started, where he basically just led the other on? Back then, it had seemed, in the moment, perfectly fine to do what he wanted, keep it quiet, and not worry about it. Now, though. It was a dick move. 

And then there was now. He hadn’t meant it the way Doug had taken it. He didn’t think it was some joke that Doug liked him. Maybe it was what he was always worried about, why he set such harsh boundaries to begin with. It brought too much up, too much he’d buried deep and vowed never to look at. Never confront his own younger and stupider actions. 

“I…I’m sorry.” It’s a start. “I didn’…I don’…I thought. It’s been a long time, Doug. I know what we…what we were, it…” He huffs, struggling to get the words to sound right. “Neither of us is who we were then. I didn’ think you’d still see me like that. A lot’s happened. Y’ weren’t here for all of it. An’ I guess I thought, maybe, after everythin’, you…wouldn’…I thought you’d be done with me.”

˙ ˖ ✶ sam guthrie

Doug can tell that Sam was holding back on saying so many things, the little movements he could pick up on, the way it all translated, meant that there was so much being unsaid that Doug couldn’t really bear the thought of not hearing any of them. To not be able to listen in on those words, to hear Sam say them, it was its own form of torture, and he was a willing victim. Looking at him, he wished he could turn off his powers, and just admire the man before him...and under him at the moment.

The past held too many things for them, too many memories, too many promises of don’t tell anybody, this doesn’t mean anything, our little secret. and yes he would be sam’s dirty little secret for most of his past, sneaking around, kissing behind the shadows, smitten but unable to show the world just how much you felt for one man because of the fear that wrought havoc in his mind.

The now was more complicated, the dying, coming back, the feelings that never quite left. It might’ve been too much for anybody else, but they’ve been through so much together it was hard to just brush them under the rug. “I could never be done with you, Sammy,” he mumbled drawing a bit closer to brush his thumb against Sam’s cheek.

“I know a lot of time has passed and we’re not the same men...well we were just boys back then, but we are not those people, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t felt the same way back then as I do now. You’re still the guy I’d be willing to hide in the shadows for, to be a secret for, because I know that I won’t be able to feel this way for anybody else. Not like this.”

“If you want to be done with me...I understand, but I’ll never regret you being my first, everything.”

          “   no,   doug.     c’mon,   that’s   absurd.     i’m   taller,   but   i’m   less   muscular.     you’re   not   wrong   about   the   everyone   wants   a   piece   of   it   part,   but  my   body   is   obviously   proportional.     captain   america’s   isn’t.   ”

...

“Are you less muscular, I couldn’t tell, haven’t really seen what it looks underneath so guess my imagination ran wild there,” doug mused. “whoa, so you’re just putting me down into the just everyone category, guess what we had wasn’t special.” he teased. “you have a better smile too,”

｡ﾟ･ ✩ doug ramsey !

❝ hey. ❞ he speaks softly. roberto does notice a lot more than what people think he does. and while he admits he was not completely aware of how doug was feeling, he had a hunch that something was up with his friend. ❝ you know there’s more to being an x-man than just taking a punch or throwing one, right ? the flashy powers are cool and all but it’s not end all or be all. ❞

roberto nods sadly and rubs the back of doug’s back. ❝ there there buddy. just let it all out. ❞ heart breaks as he hears doug speaks. it’s never FUN for him to hear how much his friends are suffering but he knows doug has been through so much in the last few years. ❝ i know i know. i love you too. and we’re gonna work on that. the whole self love thing. ❞ he smiles as he turns his head to look at his friend. ❝ and you just don’t have me you know. you’ve got sam, dani, amara, rahne, xi’an and even yana. not to mention the entire x-men. if you ever want to talk or need someone, we will be there. ❞

˙ ˖ ✶ roberto da costa

“I know, we also have telepaths and they don’t have to throw a punch,” Doug was pretty sure that wasn’t at all what Berto meant, but in his state there was barely anything in his mind that could indicate rational thought at the moment. Doug had never been one to show his true emotions, he had never really been one to sit down with his parents and friends and talk about how they were feeling. This wasn’t his sense of normalcy, but around Berto, there was very little he could hide. Berto was just       sunshine, and even if he had his own things the man would always be there for his friends.

Crying on Berto during movie night was never part of the plan for tonight, all he had truly wanted was to cuddle with his best friend, maybe get a little drunk, get some food and call it a night. Now here he was unable to stop himself from clinging onto a man he’s known most of his life, one of his reasons to smile, and doing just the opposite. “You’re a lot better at that than I am, don’t even know where to begin. You’re funny, You’re an amazing guy and friend, and you just happen to be rich and extremely generous, and yes you’re hot too.” Something told doug he couldn’t leave that part out. “Thanks for listening to me,” he mumbled before pecking Berto’s cheek. “I know I do, sometimes my mind forgets that. Sometimes I forget that I’m not actually alone and that I’m easily replaceable, it’s just harder some days. Especially since coming back.”

“One of my biggest regrets in life is not getting more time with you,”

.

Sam knew he’d fucked up. In a way, he’d known it for years, but it had been easy to ignore, to repress. It was easier to take what he knew and shove it down out of sight, never acknowledge it. He hated it even think it, silently and to himself and far away from any telepaths who might hear it, but when Doug had died, the reality just got that much easier to ignore. Here and now, though, with Doug walking out the door, he couldn’t do that anymore. It wasn’t an option. No, only two options presented themselves now. 

Option one, he could let Doug go. It felt final. It felt like taking a hammer to everything they’d been through up to this point, the good and the bad alike. The thought made his stomach turn and twist, horrified that everything could be thrown away so easily. All he had to do was just. Stand here. Wait for Doug to leave. It would be so easy.

The second choice was terrifying for its own reasons. He could go after him. He knew Doug wouldn’t have gone far, would put money on him being just on the other side of the door, waiting to see what Sam would do. He could open the door. And…then what? Drag Doug back inside, for one. He might have said he wouldn’t stop Doug from leaving, but it didn’t mean he wanted him to. 

From there, though. Sam didn’t know what he should do, how he could make this right. There was so much hanging over him, so much he hadn’t said, and so much he couldn’t say. He didn’t know if what little he had would be enough. But.

But he’d lost Doug before. It should have been final, but it wasn’t, and now this moment felt even more final than that. He couldn’t go through it again. He swung the door open, not expecting him to literally be that close to the door. 

“Um. Can…can you come back inside? Please? We should, uh, talk.”

˙ ˖ ✶ sam guthrie

Doug knew that the second he stepped through that door that this might be the final nail in the coffin. That he could very well be saying goodbye to all of the past memories he shared with Sam, along with any of the possibilities that the future held. It was why he couldn’t move, why his legs felt stuck to the ground as if he were a statue meant to be still for all eternity in that very spot. There would be no more laughs, no more of that southern twang, no more time with josiah, no more of the man whom gave him his first kiss with another guy when they were so young.

Pressing his back against the door, Doug hadn’t expected for it to swing open, only turning in time to find himself tumbling forward, crashing into Sam as they fall to the floor, Doug lying on top of the man he had just argued with moments before.

“I swear I wasn’t waiting for you to come after me,” was all he could say at the moment, his puffy eyes now coming with a matched set of rosy cheeks dusted in pink with sheer embarrassment. doug takes a moment to just stay there hovering above sam, lips still ghosting over one another before he finally gets up.

“So...um, you go first.” Doug was afraid of what Sam might say, of what he wouldn’t say, and of every little thing his mind could think of at the moment. For someone to have this much power over him, it was terrifying, and he didn’t know whether or not he could afford any more heartbreak, but this was Sam, this was his joy, and he knew he shouldn’t be afraid of the first man who taught him love, but he couldn’t help it.

｡ﾟ･ ✩ doug ramsey !

ever since doug came back, they haven’t had much of a chance to talk. honestly, he hasn’t had MUCH of a chance to talk to any of the ‘ new mutants ‘ as much as he’d like to but with doug, it’s … different. he died but now he’s back. something which was a shock to everyone ( both the dying and then coming back ) but for roberto, he’s just glad to have his friend back.

so here they are, on his couch, pretending to watch some movie but doug has probably tuned out long ago. ❝ are you kidding ? of course i’m glad ! dude, i’ve MISSED you so much ! we all did. it wasn’t the same without you. ❞

˙ ˖ ✶ roberto da costa

“I just...don’t feel as if I’m good enough to be an x-men. I’m not a bruiser so I can’t really take a hit, I’m not a glass cannon so I can’t do any sort of real damage, and I can’t even provide support the way dani or  Xi'an can.” It was something that had been deep in his mind ever since coming back. “I’m just glorified google translate.”

Taking Berto’s arm, he wraps it around himself as he rests his head on his friend’s chest. “I really don’t like the person I see when I look in the mirror,” Doug mumbled sighing slightly before looking up at Berto. “When I text you back don’t ever think I mean anything slightly mean that I say Berto, I love you, I love you more than anything else in the world, more than I could ever love myself. I just...I’m sorry I haven’t been the greatest friend, I’m sorry, I...” he stops as he sniffled, quieting himself down once more.

.

Sam might have been less affected if Doug had just hauled off and hit him. As it stood, each word out of his mouth cut deep. He wasn’t pathetic. He wasn’t useless. He wasn’t– God, what the hell? Sam’s advancing before he really knows what he’s doing, reaching for him before all but wrenching his arm back down to his side. He doesn’t want to touch him. Doesn’t want to hurt him. He pushes in front with his shoulder instead, not totally blocking him from the door, but getting a little in the way. He just wants Doug to hear him. 

“Doug, listen t’ me. I’ve never once, not ever, thought y’ were useless, or pathetic, or any ‘a that shit. Yer my friend. So, frankly, I don’ give two shits what anybody else, you included, thinks about you. Don’t you ever try puttin’ words like that in my mouth again.” He was hurt, he was angry. He was trying to tamp both of those down, fully aware he can’t hide either of them from Doug.

He takes a deep breath, trying to will away his knee jerk reaction when Doug says it would be better if he was still dead. Of all the people to say that to. “If y’ think that lowly ‘a me, maybe this was a fuckin’ mistake. When you were– I– I blamed myself f’r that, you fuckin’ asshole! I still do! As long as I live, that’ll always be my biggest failure, as a leader an’ as someone who cares about you. I couldn’t keep you safe. I lost you.”

Sam steps away, leaving the door clear. “If y’ wanna go, I’m not stoppin’ you. But yer not leaving sayin’ those kinda things, tryin’ t’ tell me it was better when someone I loved was dead. It’s a dick move.”

˙ ˖ ✶ sam guthrie

“I’m sorry,” Doug says without even skipping a beat knowing that each and every word he spat were nothing but venomous insecurities. “I could never think lowly of you, Samuel Zachery Guthrie, I only think lowly of myself. It’s why it hurt when the thought of me loving you could be a joke.”

“Every time I look in the mirror, all I see is someone who could easily be replaced with google translate. Standing next to people who could control volcanoes, absorb the sun, psionics, sorcery, and an amazing leader.” he sighed, knowing the tears had already begun to fall. His feet fell heavy, as if somehow the floor had become quicksand and he could do nothing else but sink.

“Don’t blame yourself, because while yes I protected Rahne, I jumped in front of that bullet because I also thought it would hit you. Sam, the sweet southern boy whom I have loved since the moment you first said my name.”

“I fucked up, I’m sorry, and I love you, Sam.”

With everything being said Sam only steps forward letting his fingers brush against Sam’s cheek, before stealing one quick kiss. “Goodbye,” he mumbled as he walked past him and out the door, crumbling once it closed behind him, waiting for Sam.

.

Sam froze. This wasn’t funny. He was out, but he wasn’t out, not like most of his friends were. Sure, they knew, or he was pretty sure most of them did, but it all still felt new. He wouldn’t say he’d never thought about this, with Doug or with– no, nope. Shut that thought down entirely. No. Focus on this. Doug kisses him, kisses him again, leans in, and Sam swears his heart’s in his throat for those few seconds before he pulls back. 

And then Doug’s taking his hands, putting them on his waist, and his grip tightens unconsciously, like he needs to hold him there. “Doug.” His voice sounds too thick, and he clears his throat, tries again. “Doug. Yer not fuckin’ funny.” To Sam, he has to be joking. He feels like the same dorky, awkward kid from Kentucky he was when he’d first joined the group, and the idea that Doug would be into that, just. Doesn’t compute. “What, y’ just– me?”

...

“Right,” Doug deadpanned letting go entirely of Sam as his eyes lock with Sam’s. “Because it has to be a joke if it’s coming from me. Because pathetic ol’ Doug Ramsey, the loser with the good for nothing power can’t be anything else but a joke.” Pushing past he dropped from the counter to make way towards the door. “Coming here was a fucking mistake,”

“You know after dying twice I thought I’d give myself the chance to do what I was too afraid of doing when we were younger, to just go for it, to actually tell the cute southern boy that I liked him the entire time, but it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day I’ll just be the cannon fodder, right?”

“Y’know Sam, you could just tell me that things were far better and easier when I was gone,” and with that he turned on his heels, trying to choke back the tears, as he walked off embarrassed, hurt, and mortified at the reality of things. The New Mutants were much happier without him.