Polyamorwhat?

Stag: Who gave you that necklace?

Me: It's from Target.

Stag: That doesn't answer my question. Who gave it to you?

Me: *flushed*

Stag: It was G wasn't it?

Me: Yes.

Stag: You know I love you right?

Me: Of course.

This day is one of my favorites of the week. 

This is a day that I get to spend basically all day with G. We get a short break in-between as I get my kids from school and run to necessary appointments.

He works while I do what I need to do.

When I arrive we watch the news, then he leaves to spend time with his family, dinner with his niece, and I get undisturbed time to work on school. When he gets home, we’ll watch some of our favorite shows and fall asleep in a tight embrace. 

Unfortunately, I’ll have to sneak out at roughly 530am to get home for my stag to go to work.  

G and I never anticipated falling for each other. He assured me from the beginning that he was completely unobtainable and I didn’t need to worry about him catching feelings. He is a retired porn star and has had well over 3000 other partners. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I am a very lovable person and he couldn’t keep his end of the bargain.

We winged our relationship for a long time, but it didn’t work out well. It led to a lot of “growing” pains in our relationship. Generally my feelings being hurt due to a misunderstanding and at one time our separation for a few weeks. Even now, we are still learning how to make this work. I don’t think any relationship, monogamous or not, doesn’t go without problems from time to time.

We needed to set ground rules. It felt odd at first, but now it feels like a form of respect. A lot of these rules are more for my benefit as he doesn’t ask for much, but I give them back to him as well as a form of mutual respect.

-No time outside of the bedroom with our dates

-Neither will be rushed out for another date’s arrival

-The bed is not warm when one of us arrives (due to another date)

-We are the only of each other’s day (I give this to G, G does not reciprocate, but he does try to schedule other days though if avoidable)

-2 shower minimum between a date and I

-Veto Power, we can ask each other to drop a date for any reason.

-Threesomes or swaps (as a couple) are one-offs. We do not have private dates with these individuals

There were a few situations that led to the necessity to create these rules. We are still learning and adjusting as time goes on. What works for us now, might not work for us in 6 months. These rules have been developed over a year now and still going.

He’s learning how to be in a relationship. I’m his first in 15 years (yes, he is substantially older than me). I’m learning how to be in a relationship with two men at the same time and one that is not monogamous. My stag chooses to have just me as a partner.

What do our weekends look like? We do not spend weekends together, very rarely in fact. We do occasionally spend a night with each other, but not generally when my stag is home. 

Mine: 

Saturday and Sunday I spend doing homework for college. Most of my college deadlines are at 9pm on Sunday. 

Desired: I would like to sleep there Sunday night and come home before stag leaves for work on Monday morning. G: Saturday afternoon he returns home from time with his family. Then he works and maybe has (fuck) dates. Sunday is much the same, work and maybe (fuck) dates. 

Desires: I don’t believe that I could answer this section for him. I know he desires to have more access to me, which I have offered. However, he doesn’t want to get in the middle of my marriage time.

Stag:

I wish that I could have both of my fabulous guys on each side of me.

Holding my hand.

I wish that I could kiss them each in succession. 

Touch both of them at the same time.

Laugh together at the same shows

Listen to them sleep.

In the beginning I didn’t know about the others. I knew he saw others, but didn’t know that he was kicking me out of bed for the next one or that the bed was warm not because he was laying in it. I never understood why he always kept me on top of the comforter despite being cold.

As our relationship progressed, he began to open up and show me pictures of the women he had sex with (he doesn’t have relationships with any of them, purely sexual). It unleashed this sea of jealousy that I never knew had existed in my body before. The waves crashed over me and made me feel worthless. He discussed what they did together and how much he liked it. It made me feel sick.

I couldn’t understand where this came from. I have never been the jealous type. I have never been one to experience such emotions.

I’m smart, funny, beautiful, and adventurous. Jealousy was not in my books, usually women are jealous of me.

As our relationship has grown, rules have been made. I have realized that it’s not necessarily the other women that gives me pain. I generally feel nothing about them. It’s actually the feeling that I must share our life and cannot keep anything to myself. Telling me that I don’t have to share his heart is not enough, we needed boundaries.

Being new to this life, especially after a monogamous relationship of a decade, I still deal with the lingering side effects of that. My expectations can more fall in line with a “traditional” relationship. I’m very fortunate that my boyfriend understands that (along with a horrible childhood and feeling out of control) and is very forgiving and understanding of my feelings.

Do I still feel with jealousy? Occasionally. 

I am still a vixen with my stag. I have sex with other men and have zero feelings towards them. They are a stiff object for my desires, nothing more. However, I do still struggle with the idea of my boyfriend having sex with someone in the same capacity. I know that it is hypocritical and I’m working on it. In all honesty, if he didn’t host every time, I would likely feel nothing. (his place is now referred to as home for both of us. I do keep things there. I think that’s something I struggle with is sex in “our” bed)

The more confident I feel in our relationship, the less and less jealousy/insecurity I feel about my place in his life. I am his first girlfriend in 15 years. The first woman he leaves the bedroom with. The first woman he has posted a picture with. 

He said he’s learning the way that I run and he has noticed that I don’t like it when I don’t get my way.

He’s right.

I can’t say for sure when it all happened.

It was slow.

It crept up silently.

No one was prepared.

We started seeing each other in the fall. I remember being incredibly lonely with my stag away and not having much other adult contact. He was hesitant to add me to his roster of lovers. 

Slowly as fall turned into winter, I was a regular at 2x/week, and I felt the soft pangs of jealousy when he would mention his other partners. I couldn’t understand why. He wasn’t mine and I had no claim. I was far too busy to care about what he did in his spare time.

As winter turned into spring, post-sex tv turned into post-sex cuddling. Kissing turned into making out. We were beginning to see each other outside of the bedroom and had developed a really wonderful friendship. 

That’s when everything started to change.

My stag finally came home and said he could relieve me from needing to see G anymore. My heart burst, shattered into fragments, and I became a shell. 

Oh no? How do I explain it to him, my poor stag?

It was painful. There wasn’t some deep dark secret, but I felt as if I was carrying one. I had promised to not fall for him, but here we are.

I’m a traitor to my marriage.

Tears. So many tears. 

Finally stag understood that I needed G. It hurt him. I hurt him and that still pains me. He was so gracious and desiring my happiness that he gave his blessing to continue this adventure.

As spring moved to summer, things have shifted. G looks at me differently now. He fucks me differently now. He touches me differently now. 

So many lovers have come and gone, yet I remain. He sees me 3x/week. We have a set schedule. As G said, he fought as hard as he could to not like me, but now he finds me irreplaceable. He misses me. He wants me.

Summer has gone to fall again. I think that I lo... I can’t bring myself to say it. It makes my heart pound. We had a moment. It didn’t happen. I know it will come out on accident and soon.

We’ve been talking a lot about us. He has started to show signs of jealousy and insecurity towards my vixen partners and even my stag. Even the amount of partners he has is dwindling. This is a side that I never anticipated seeing. Being apart is unbearable, but we make it work. I consider him one of my primary relationships.

Yet there is my poor stag in the background, desiring my happiness. He has decided he doesn’t want to know about G and I as long as I come home happy.

I do my best to keep my lives separate, but it can be quite isolating.

My stag and I have been together for over 11 years.

After years of asking, I took the plunge into vixenhood. What it did for us was amazing. How we communicated was strengthened and we were finally talking about the gritty stuff in our marriage.

We were able to easily keep our lives separate. My sexual vixen self and the wife/mother/student on the other end.

Then my stag went away on business and told me to take on a lover.

G was a long term bachelor and we met by chance. He was heavily involved in the swinging lifestyle and his greatest achievement in life was his impressive number of sexual partners and counting. He assured me up and down that he would never get attached.

I believed him.

He believed him.