Mini story of Morden! Oc sia idea
Sia was currently walking along the main dirt road, looking entirely like a local. The kind stable women had gifted her a sturdy traveler’s cloak, which she had securely hooded over her head. Before leaving, she had put on an absolute masterclass of a performance—clutching her chest, thanking the stable staff and the travelers with "tears" in her eyes, and solemnly promising them that she would never wander alone at night again.
Now, she was free as a bird, making her way toward the horizon where the massive, sprawling spires of Castle Town loomed in the distance. Judging by the sheer scale of the stone bridges, the towering guard towers, and the massive, bustling outer walls, Sia's pop-culture brain easily identified the era.
‘Definitely the Twilight Princess layout,’ she thought, adjusting her cloak. ‘Which means this world is absolutely massive. Perfect. More places for me to hide from the Child Support Cult.’
Her plan was simple: get to Castle Town, blend in with the dense urban crowds, find a library or some merchants, and gather information on how to permanently ditch this "hero" gig and get back to the 21st century.
Meanwhile, high above the clouds in the Sacred Realm, a completely different kind of chaos was unfolding.
The glowing blue System screen wasn't just tracking Sia—it was directly syncing and updating the divine deities of Hyrule on the mortal realm's current status. Right now, the Golden Goddesses and Hylia were gathered around a massive, shimmering projection pool, watching the Chain of Heroes melt down in front of the wanted poster at the desert oasis.
The Sacred Realm was absolutely echoing with noise.
Din, the Goddess of Power, was literally rolling on the golden floor, her fiery red hair whipping around as she banged her fist against the ground, howling with unbridled laughter.
"A DIVORCED DINOSAUR!" Din shrieked, tears of pure joy streaming down her face. "She called my chosen Hero of Time a bitter, divorced dad! And he just stood there and took it!"
Farore, the Goddess of Courage—who had technically been the one to place the Triforce on Sia's hand—was leaning against a divine pillar, clutching her stomach as she gasped for air. "I knew she had courage, but I didn't think she'd use it to label the entire lineage of heroes as a sexually confused kidnapping ring! Look at Twilight's face! He's so mad!"
Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom, was trying desperately to maintain her divine dignity, but her shoulders were shaking violently as she hid her face behind her blue sleeves, letting out muffled, snorting giggles.
Sitting on her throne, Her Grace, Goddess Hylia, had both hands clamped firmly over her mouth. She was desperately trying to remain the poised, elegant protector of the realm, but it was a losing battle. The sheer absurdity of watching her legendary, stoic Chosen Heroes being completely dismantled by a teenage girl's 21st-century vocabulary was too much. Brilliant, sparkling divine tears leaked from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks as she shook with silent, breathless laughter.
‘Oh, Chosen Heroes...’ Hylia thought, wiping a tear away as she watched Warrior complain about his scarf profile on the wanted poster. ‘May the Goddesses have mercy on your souls. Because Sia definitely won't.’ "Look! Look at the pictures!" Din roared, pointing a trembling, glowing finger at the floating System window. She was laughing so hard she was practically snorting divine sparks. "The artists at the stable didn't spare a single one of them!"
The projection zoomed in on the charcoal bounty board, showing the individual "sketches" the stable master had commissioned based on Sia’s highly detailed, deeply vindictive descriptions.
The depictions of the older heroes were an absolute horror show:
Twilight was drawn with literal fur patches, a sloping forehead, and a banana in his hand, looking like a terrifying, feral cave-ape.
Warrior had a face that looked completely melted and frozen at the same time—like a porcelain doll left too close to a cooking pot—with a scarf that looked like a dead, fluffy snake wrapped around his neck.
Legend was drawn in a scandalous, frilly dress with a feather boa, looking less like a veteran hero and more like a high-end madame from a shady tavern.
Time just looked like a grim, wrinkly gargoyle with a single, massive, angry eye.
"But wait—look at the little ones!" Farore gasped, wiping away a tear of pure joy as she zoomed the screen in on the corner of the poster.
Unlike the monstrous caricatures of the older crew, the stable artists had taken Sia's "too pretty to be males" comment entirely literally for Sky and Four.
Sky’s bounty portrait looked like a breathtakingly beautiful, tragic maiden. The artist had given him giant, shimmering anime eyes, long flowing eyelashes, and a perfectly windswept sailcloth that looked like a bridal veil. Beneath his picture, the caption read: 'The Deceptive Siren — uses a soft, feminine facade to lure victims into the woods.'
Right next to him, Four's portrait looked like an adorable, petite woodland elf-princess. The sketch emphasized his tiny stature, gave him a flawless, smooth complexion, and portrayed him holding his blacksmith hammer as if it were a delicate, magical fairy wand. His caption read: 'The Pixie Enforcer — looks like a sweet maiden, but possesses the brute strength of a manic stone-talus.'
Back down at the Oasis, Sky was staring at his portrait, his entire soul leaving his body. His face was a completely blank, horrified white. "I... I look like my goddess," he whispered, his voice completely hollow. "They gave me a bustline, Legend. Why did they draw a bustline over my tunic?!"
Four’s left eye was twitching violently. He wasn't yelling. He was terrifyingly quiet, staring at the sketch of himself looking like a magical princess. He slowly reached into his pouch, pulled out a sharpening stone, and began violently running it down the edge of his sword with a terrifying SHREK... SHREK... SHREK sound. "When we find her," Four whispered, his voice vibrating with the collective rage of all four of his colors, "I am going to forge a cage specifically for her big mouth."
"Oh, come on, Princess Four!" Legend mocked, despite his own 'Flamingo Prostitute' label, trying to deflect his own trauma. "You look radiant! The eyelashes really bring out your anger!"
"Shut up, Legend!" Four hissed, his aura turning a dark, glowing purple.
Up in the Sacred Realm, Hylia finally lost all control. She completely let go of her mouth, collapsed sideways against her divine throne, and let out a loud, uncharacteristic wheeze. Tears were streaming down her face as she watched her first chosen hero, the legendary Hero of the Skies, question his own anatomy in the middle of the desert.
"I can't... I can't breathe!" Farore choked out, floating upside down in her hysteria. "She’s completely ruined them! Ganon won't even need to fight them, they're going to die of sheer embarrassment!"
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