the black rider.

Vilde held back from commenting how he was right, that Eva probably did know. That “Of course Eva knows, she always knows.” With just a hint of envy. Vilde was getting tired of all of this. She was getting exhausted by the feeling of chasing absolute perfection constantly yet never getting a grasp on it.

Whenever she felt she was getting close, a new perfection popped up that she had to chase. A never ending cycle and these boys? Weren’t they all just making it worse, really? She WAS weary of Chris, because she realized already how much he affected her, which also meant; she was signing up for yet another HJERTESORG.

Chris was a hjerteknuser and perhaps the entire school could agree on that. She didn’t want to feel the pure agony of having her heart torn apart again.

“I might see you there then.” she just replied, a polite smile and it was all so frustrating because she did like talking to this player yet she just made it awkward.

He had a free period too? How to grasp onto that? The logical part of her brain told her that he wouldn’t of made a point of not having anything to do if he wasn’t remotely interested in actually hanging out with her; yet her far more damaging part was telling her that “why would he even think about that? Why would he want to hang out with her? He was Penetrator Chris. He didn’t want to hang out with someone like Vilde.

“You wanna….I mean, ” Stop, take a breath. It’s okay, Vilde. You can do this. “If we both are free, vil du henge?” grav meg ei grav.

                ˜”*°•.      Of course Eva knows, she always knows.  ❝ Hva  var det ? ❞  Han  smilte , a  smile  a bit  too  teasing , a  bit  too amused ;  a  bit  curious  too .   Vilde hadde  hørtes  veldig bitter  ut ,  dette var  gaske  tydelig . ❝ Jeg  tror jeg  gikk  glipp av  noe . ❞   Maybe  the  two  had fought  or  something ?  It  wasn’t like  it’d  be extremely  surprising ,  yet  at  the same  time ,  he hadn’t  caught  any kind  of  tension between  the  girls lately .  Not  that  he’d  paid  that  much of  a  close attention  anyway .  And definitely  not  to the  specific  field.

❝ Ja .  Sladretid ,  hva  synes  du ? ❞   Han  hadde ikke  så  mye  å gjøre  uansett ,  and  quite  honestly , he  couldn’t  say  no to some  catchy  news , some  spicy  conversation ;  so  yes ,  hanging  out with  her  did appeal  to  him .  Even  if Vilde  wasn’t  the most  popular  choice , even  if  her  whole  issue with  William  had been …  quite  weird , talking  to  her had  been  surprising enough  decent ;  maybe  even  better than  just  that .

"Sure, we can sladre litt. Har du hørt noe nytt da? I heard about this absolutely insane party where some boys got their asses kicked." she smirked playfully, the bruise big and painful after that night.

Truthfully Vilde wasn’t even sure she’d actually get a honest, hell even an decent answer from him but, fuck det.

The question though? Took her off guard. She blinked, remained quiet. For too long even. Desperately trying to search for an ACTUAL reason; beyond him looking good. Then, it dawned on her and she looked at Chris, almost as if disbelief, a confused expression on her face. “If he liked me, så hadde kanskje alle gjort det.” She grabbed her bag and got out another can of cider. She needed one now.

“Min tur. Hvorfor blir du aldri sammen med ei jente? I mean, it gotta get boring eventually just hooking up with different girls?” it was a question she had been curious about for a long time truthfully, and with him starting out with a question about William, she could ask him this.

                ˜”*°•.     Svaret  hennes overrasket  ham  ikke .  Skolen  var skolen  og  fame var  viktig .  He knew  it  first hand ,  after  all ; how  many  times had  they  gotten into  fights  for the  sake  of  ego ?  Hvor  mange gangen  hadde  de  gått  over streken  in  the name  of  popularity ?  Too many  to  count . And  yet …  the idea  of  Vilde thinking  that  William’s appreciation  was  of such  a  high  value ?  It  couldn’t sink in.

        ❝ His  taste  på jenter  er  ikke så  fantastisk .  Just  saying . ❞  Came  the words  accompanied  by a  small  laugh  - a  laugh  that’d sounded  a  bit too  awkward  in  his opinion -.  But  then ,  hadn’t  he been  the  one to  make  the  question ?  Poke  his nose  into  the Vilde-William  drama  issue ?   Well ,  sitt  problem .

Vilde was grateful Chris managed to keep his cool, at least outwardly. But wasn’t that one of the things that made the rich still rich? Their almost born with ability to keep their cool no matter what. He wore the same expression she remembered so well from their teenage years, the friendly manner, but still; almost cold, calculated lurking behind the fake smile.

“Hyggelig å møte deg også, C……Herr?” she realized that she almost slipped up; saying his name. As if her lips ached to finally say it once again. People always talked about how to body remembered everything, if only triggered. Millions of feelings crashed through her body at the moment, the pain, the pleasure, the heartache, all those bittersweet memories. Of all that could of been, but never was.

“Sett dere, Sandra, Kasper.” Vilde spoke softly to her kids and her eyes lingered a little too long on her son. How many times had she not imagined this? Meeting Chris again. Him seeing his son, his firstborn. She tore away her eyes from Kapser and put the casseroll down on the table being sitting down herself.

Her eyes met with Chris for a second but was quick to tear away from him, afraid he’d see the sorrow in her eyes. She put on a fake smile and looked at her husband. “Fin dag?” she prayed that her husband was too dumb to realize that Kasper was a spitting image of his collegue. Chris, on the other hand? She didn’t even dare to hope. Faen; she felt sick.

         ˜”*°•.      ❝ Barna  deres er  veldig  vakre . ❞ Smilte  Chris  ;  Vildes  ord  ignorert. Han hadde  selvfølgelig  sett det ;  sett  nervøsiteten hennes ,  klossetheten  hennes . Og  det  var  et spørsmål  om  tid  før  mannen  hennes  så det  også.  Det  kunne hun  ikke  glemme .

❝ Takk . ❞  Sa  han  etter at  han  drakk litt  vann .  Det var  da  telefonen  hans ringte  og  han  tok  den i  hendene .   ❝ Unnskyld .  Jeg  kommer  straks tilbake . ❞  And  with these  words ,  he  stood  up ,  headed  to  the  nearby room.  Leaving  the others  sitting  there ;   the  awkwardness ,  the tension  thick  enough to  kill  the country  -  if  not  the whole  world -.

❝ Det  er  en  liten verden . ❞  Came  the words  joking ,  when he  made  sure  Vilde’s  husband had  walked  away . It  was  indeed amazing ,  impossible  really ; how  they’d  somehow, after  so  many years,  found  themselves again  in  the same  room .  And now …  with  kids  too. To barn ;  jenta  søt  og  gutten ?  Interessant .

"Ja, virkelig." she attempted to sound as cherry and joyful as she always did. For her kid's sake; and her own sanity. She smiled at her children. "Bare gå fra bordet viss dere vil leke." she suggested and her kids happily left the table. She couldn't have them around the table anymore. It was too risky.

One might say that Vilde Lien Hellerud had gotten far in life, but here as she stood over the casseroles, sweat pipling on her forehead, trying her best to not get annoyed at the constant “Mamma!” coming from the two children, she wasn’t sure she agreed so much. She wasn’t even Vilde Hellerud anymore, not even Lien. Vilde Bakke was her name now. Married with children. All within the age of 26.

Her husband had texted that she needed to set the table for an extra guest, because apparently a colleauge was joining them. They had to have some important meeting after hours in their home. Vilde had felt the knot tying in her gut at the text. Never had she started to clean and prep their house as fast as today. Her husband was relatively new in his job and let’s just face it; it had been sheer dumb luck that he even got the job in the first place. The man was a lousy deadneck, and certainly wasn’t qualified for the job. It was way above his league. She knew he’d be pissed off if the house they recently purchased wasn’t spotless when he and his colleauge arrived.

Vilde did love her husband, she was almost certain she still did. He perhaps wasn’t the kindest person, never did anything to lift a finger, he had been jumping from one job to another, always quitting before it became too obvious he was a lousy, lazy man. Yet, Vilde felt she…owed him? You see, at the mere age of 18, she got pregnant. And god knows she didn’t dare tell the actual dad, so Vilde left Oslo, and started her life as a single mom. That was when she met her husband, four years older than her but he did seem to really like her and she did too. And even better, he didn’t mind her son.

Now, they had moved back to Oslo. Vilde had been skeptical but well; she was unemployed and barely any education. She just had to follow her husband. Whenever an idea of leaving begun spinning, she had to let it go quickly; after all, she had NOTHING. No money, no friends anymore, just herself, her kids and her crippling mental state.

“Er middagen klar?” The entry door opened and Vilde refrained from clenching her jaw as he didn’t even bother to say hey, just demanding as always. “Ja.” she simply replied from the kitchen, before calling down the children from their rooms. “Kasper, Sandra, middag. Husk, vi har gjester.” almost at once two children ran down the stairs. Kasper, 8 years old, and Sandra, 5. Sandra was almost certainly a splitting image of her mother. Just as blond and with the exact same tiny little nose. Kasper? Well…he was quite similar to his actual dad, even if Vilde had always told her husband that he wasn’t. He would probably dislike that his ‘son’ looked like his biological dad.

Vilde carried the food to the dining room and that’s when her far too frail arms almost lost the heavy casserole. Everything was spinning, her heart was pumping hard, and she felt as if she honestly was about to die. The colleauge her husband had brought home wasn’t some random person. Her worst nightmare was coming true. It was Christoffer Schistad, Penetrator Chris,

Kasper sin biologiske far.

                ˜”*°•.      Han trivdes  ikke  med livet  sitt .  Men  hvorfor  ?  Han hadde  en  hus , en  job ,  penger , venner.  Hva  anderes kunne  han  ville  ?  Christoffer  Schistad led  a  decent life .  Failures  here and  there  had been  present  , sure  ,  a college  drop  out ,  a  break-up,   yet  he’d eventually  come  to accept  a  well-paid position  in  a  company.  And even  though,  he’d cut  ties  with people  from  his  highschool  life ,  leaving Oslo  had  been  off  the  table .

The invitation  had  been well-accepted .  The  new  colleague of his  not  exactly catching  his  eye , however  it  was still  too  early to  make  any assumptions  really .  His boss  had  assigned him  with  the  man’s training ,  with  any assistance  that  might’ve come  handy .  So ,  getting  to know  him  better , establishing  a  decent relationship  with  him ,  would only  make  things easier  in  the workplace .  Or  so had  he  thought .

"Hyggelig å møte deg også, C......Herr?" she realized that she almost slipped up; saying his name. As if her lips ached to finally say it once again. People always talked about how to body remembered everything, if only triggered. Millions of feelings crashed through her body at the moment, the pain, the pleasure, the heartache, all those bittersweet memories. Of all that could of been, but never was.

"Sett dere, Sandra, Kasper." Vilde spoke softly to her kids and her eyes lingered a little too long on her son. How many times had she not imagined this? Meeting Chris again. Him seeing his son, his firstborn. She tore away her eyes from Kapser and put the casseroll down on the table being sitting down herself.

Vilde gave a light laugh at his words, shaking her head, her blond hair for a second almlst covering her face. “Mysteriet? Du er virkelig full av deg selv.” The booze was shredding away her worst self esteem issues; showcasting her more truer self. Barely Noora nor Eva knew this side of her. Honestly, it was perhaps only Jente-Chris which knew how funny, or snarky Vilde could be when she wasn’t too busy getting judged or trying so hard to be something she wasn’t.

Then he suggested that game and Vilde shot him a look of uncertainty. If it hadn’t been for the fact that she was indeed a bit a lot tipsy; she would never of agreed. Never at all. Yet; wasn’t it amusing what alcohol did to people? “Okay, go ahead. IF you promise to tell the sannhet as well. No lies from you mr Penetrator.” She smirked softly before finishing the bottle. Perhaps a little too fast but she was nervous.

                ˜”*°•.        ❝ Det  har  du  mitt  ord på. ❞  He assured  her ;  a  truth  or a  lie ,  he  had  not decided ,  yet .  For  quite  honestly , he  still  was  unsure  of what  she  needed  to  know .  Of what  he  wanted her  to  know . Sure,  they’d  exchanged some  meaningful  conversations.  Sure,  they’d  gone for  both  gossipy and  deeper  words . Yet,  circumstances   were a  tricky  thing .

The question though? Took her off guard. She blinked, remained quiet. For too long even. Desperately trying to search for an ACTUAL reason; beyond him looking good. Then, it dawned on her and she looked at Chris, almost as if disbelief, a confused expression on her face. "If he liked me, så hadde kanskje alle gjort det." She grabbed her bag and got out another can of cider. She needed one now.

can we talk about this later? your voice is driving me insane.

are you mad at me?

what? no, i’m not mad at you. why would you ask that?

you don’t want to know what they did to me.

what am i supposed to do without you?

you really scare me sometimes.

please don’t yell at me.

i’m not yelling!

…what did you do?

i love you, but no fucking way.

you know, you’re a really shit liar.

please don’t go. please don’t leave.

give me one good reason to stay.

is that blood? are you bleeding?

i’m fine. it’s nothing. it’s just a little blood.

you don’t have to do this, you know.

i’m sorry, okay? i’m sorry.

do you really think sorry will make this better?

it feels like one of these days you’re gonna kill me.

they could’ve fucking killed you. what were you thinking?

you can’t just act like you’re not hurt. i know you are.

you’re really going back to them? after what they did?

they don’t love you.

i don’t love you.

“Wow, Eva, trudde da ikke noe slikt skulle stoppe deg.” Vilde laughed as Eva told her that she had actually not gotten laid that night. Some might believe that Vilde was judging Eva for her adventures, but the truth was that Vilde was more envious than anything. Not entirely the bad type of envious either. She did, indeed, believe that Eva deserved to be worshipped by plenty of guys. She just wanted to be….worshipped also, at times. “Jeg skulle ønske jeg var som deg.” she smiled widely. “Skal du være med han mer da?” she teased.

Vilde didn’t quite know whether or not she wanted Eva to know that it was Chris she had been talking to. Firstly, they had not at all been flirting. Which, was perhaps why she couldn’t shake off his words. He had been talking, actually saying proper things. Å hva viss Eva blei sur? She didn’t want to annoy Eva. “Bare en random fyr. Helt grei å se på.” she shrugges. Helt grei å se på? Hva faen, Vilde? He wasn’t just okay to look at, he’s handsome as fuck.

                ˜”*°•.       Jeg  skulle  ønske  jeg var  som  deg  .  Nei ,  ikke egentlig .  Livet  hennes var  ikke  så perfekt ,  ikke  så  ønskeverdig .  More like  a  total mess .  Gutter ,  fester , drinker ;  disse  var  virkelig  morsomme men …   de  var  bare  distraksjoner .  Og hvem  var  hun uten  dem ?  Ingen . Bare  en  veldig forvirret  jente .  ❝ Jeg  er full  av  overraskelser. ❞  Hun smilte  til  henne . Truth  be told ,  it  hadn’t  been the   noise  preventing her  from  doing  anything ;  it’d been  a  little more  complicated  than that .  ❝ No  way. ❞ Came  the  assurance with  a  small  laugh . There  was  really no  way  she  saw  him again ;  han  hadde  ikke vært dårlig ,  men …  han  hadde  heller  ikke  vært  perfekt .

He wanted to know her? Vilde realized that, to her heartbreak, that Chris had been the first god damn guy to ever say that to her. Never William. Never her previous crushes. Not even as a child, boys wanted to know her. They didn’t want to play with her because all she did was play with Barbie dolls, she wasn’t unqiue and interesting.

And that? Kind of hurt. Because what if Chris was just joking. Playing some mean joke on her behalf, before he returned to his crew just to laugh and point at her. Even Noora would laugh as she was hanging on William’s arm. Because Noora was unique. She probably never played with barbie dolls. How could she trust this guy? Was it safe? Hell no. He was Penetator Chris. New girl every week. Handsome as a snake.

“Jeg vil bli kjent med deg også.” it was the booze talking, the orange flavorued bacardi breeze clapsed tightly between her fingers. Vilde snorted at his following words though. A reaction she couldn’t control. “Hørres ut som du snakker av erfaring.” she replied pointedly, almost accusing, for no reason at all but that she didn’t know how to handle deeper topics. Those were best left dwelling and hiding and screaming over in secret, right?

                ˜”*°•.    Han  nølte litt – her  words  taking  him by  surprise;  for this  was  definitely not  the  kind of  answer  he had  seen  coming  // no,  most  girls would  have  simply blushed  or  giggled or  gone  all heart  eyes –.  And yet,   she’d  gone for  something  entirely different.  ❝ Kanskje.  Men dette  er  mysteriet, ikke  sant  ? ❞  He joked;  a  distraction.  At  least,  until  the  subject  was  changed;  focused  on  the  first  part  of  the  conversation;  the  safer  one.She’d  claimed  she  wanted  to  get  to  know  him,  after  all; and  so,  he  was  willing  to  show  her  the  way. 

❝ Vi kan spille the  three-question-game.  Jeg  vil  spør  deg om  noe  og du  vil  svare. Bare  sannheter. ❞  A  casual shrug  accompanied  the  suggestion;  the  fact  the game  was  quite  dangerous for both  of  them, definitely  not  something he  didn’t  acknowledge; but  it  was something  he  had  chosen  to  ignore;  en sannhet,  en  løgn, what  was  the difference  really,  anyway ?  ❝ Then,  you  will  ask  me.  Hva  syns  du ? ❞

Vilde almost wanted to point out that just perhaps Chris had some fault in it all. She wasn’t naive enough to believe that the penetrator boys were entirely without fault in this conflict of theirs. Even if she had a bad habit of hiding behind a mask of naivity. It was just so much lettere. She decided against it though and nodded along to his words. They couldn’t change it now anyways. “Still sucks. How are people anyway? Anyone got really hurt?” she clutched her purse, feeling as if she was over staying her place in the conversation. God, he had to be tired of her. Just like William had been. Just like everyone.

She gave a small laugh but she felt insecure. Was she actually welcome at the party or not? Did she even want to go? She obviously would have to watch William with Noora. She might be mad but she wouldn’t miss the party. So Vilde would have to watch the pair.

Then there was Chris himself. Having to watch him hook with probably every girl around there. She didn’t know how keen she even was on that .

“Nei, det visste jeg ikke. Never heard annoying girls are in, actually.” a sheepish laugh. “Hvor er festen, da?” she asked carefully, testing the water. Chris probably would dismiss her question. She couldn’t help but smiling as he mentioned how fun Noora and William’s drama would be. “Yeah, don’t tell anyone but I’ve already overhead Noora almost screaming in her phone when talking to him. He’s been calling and texting nonstop and she refuses to meet up with him.

“Now? Well, I got a free period now after lunch break so I figured I go for a run or something. Honestly, I don’t know. Neither of the girls have one today. You?”

                ˜”*°•.      Worse than  the  previous time ?  He  wasn’t sure  really.  None had  died,  heldigvis . There’d  been  that guy  getting  a  broken  nose ,  however most  had  gotten away  with  merely bruises  and  cuts .  Huset  var  imidlertid ikke bra .  And  at this  point ,  he would  have  opted for  a  life in  hospital  rather than  having  to  deal  with his  parents’  hysteria .  ❝ Alle  har det  bra  så  vidt  jeg vet. ❞  Som  var  heldig .

Han  tok  en  titt  på  telefonen sin.  She  was  hesitant ,  he had  noticed ;  something about  her  moves radiating  quite  an uncertainty .  Og  kanskje … he  hadn’t  answered right  away  on  purpose .  Most girls  wanted  to show  off ,  wore that  mask  of perfect  confidence  and painted  their  faces with  a  confidence so  unlike  them . And  yet,  here Vilde  was ;  not exactly  doing  what most  girls  did . Not  trying  to impress.  

❝ At  Borkis’ house. ❞  It wasn’t  often  that they  threw  parties there ,  so  he doubted  unfortune  incidents would  take  place . Plus  it  was one  of  the few  times ,  they were  being  quite secretive  about  it ; money  to  cover more  damages  not exactly  something  they   currently  possessed .   ❝ Jeg  tror Eva  vet  hvor det  er . ❞  

It  was  difficult to  hold  back a  small  smirk , when  Vilde  talked about  the almost  couple . And  it  was difficult  to  not feel   quite  a   satisfaction  that  William’s little  love  life was  going  downhills . ❝ Well ,  hva  er livet uten  litt  drama ? ❞  Was  his mere  comment .  And  honestly,  he wasn’t  sure  whether he  felt  bad  about  thinking this  way  ;  for  hadn’t  been William  acting  like a  selfish  bitch in  the  first place ? Perhaps  getting  what he  deserved  would finally  wake  him up.

Whenever she felt she was getting close, a new perfection popped up that she had to chase. A never ending cycle and these boys? Weren't they all just making it worse, really? She WAS weary of Chris, because she realized already how much he affected her, which also meant; she was signing up for yet another HJERTESORG.

Chris was a hjerteknuser and perhaps the entire school could agree on that. She didn't want to feel the pure agony of having her heart torn apart again.

"I might see you there then." she just replied, a polite smile and it was all so frustrating because she did like talking to this player yet she just made it awkward.

He had a free period too? How to grasp onto that? The logical part of her brain told her that he wouldn't of made a point of not having anything to do if he wasn't remotely interested in actually hanging out with her; yet her far more damaging part was telling her that "why would he even think about that? Why would he want to hang out with her? He was Penetrator Chris. He didn't want to hang out with someone like Vilde.

“Jeg ser. Kanskje.” she replied gently and shrugged. She just didn’t imagine that she’d be wanted there by anyone else. Chris obviously not. Or William. Truthfully, Vilde could even go so far to doubting that her own friends actually wanted her around and when that spiral started, it took a lot to put an end of that train of thoughts. These days? That train was going rush hour. A small part of her wanted to lock herself away from everyone. Just like her mom. No, no Vilde. Don’t go there.

“En gutt? Er det ALT du husker? Du tuller!” Vilde exclaimed and never seemed to comprehend Eva’s way with the guys. She seemed to not care at all what anyone else thought of her and it made Vilde jealous. “Ja, lå du med han?” she laughed, invested. Now that she knew it wasn’t Chris.

She didn’t point out that perhaps it would be wise of Eva so calm down her drinking. Vilde knew she should but she couldn’t quite bring herself to do so.

Vilde grew visible flustered at Eva’s question and automatically shook her head. “Hva? Nei. Jeg snakket….akkurat med en av Penetrator gutta. Ingenting viktig.” she flashed her trade-mark smile.

                ˜”*°•.    After  the disaster  of  the  first  few  days  at school,  NOT  caring had  been  her coping  machine;  her way  of  surviving. It  was  better this  way;  better than  crying  over rumours  and  whispers, better  than  thinking about  nothing  but her  image.  And relationships ?  Jonas  had been  nice  and they’d  shared  some pretty good  moments  together. But  she  didn’t  need another  Jonas;  not when  she  could  simply  have fun  without  the  burden of commitment.  

❝ Nei! Det er  sant. ❞  She laughed.  ❝ Vi  hørte  støyen,  så…  det  gjorde jeg  ikke. ❞  It’d  become  chaos  pretty fast;  and  judging from  the   whispers echoing  here  and there ?  Chris’  house had  been  left a  complete  mess.

At  least, none  had  ended  up  in  the  hospital.  Or  died.

[text] så bra 😂

[text] Nei hvem? 🙈

[text] oi, ja, herregud 🙈😂 Di burde finne et rom 😅

[text] slutt å tull 🤪 men ja 🙈 du tror ikke vennen din kommer til å savne deg da? 😉

[text] Kanskje. Men han kommer over det 🙄

[text] OK. Og jeg tar med drikke

[text] Di er opptatt. Som alltid 😅 Hvem er du her med?

[text] Du tuller, men takk :))

[text] Med en venn, men… han er litt opptatt

[text] Ser du paret der borte?

[text] Ja, dette er han. 🙊

Chris words hit hard. Vilde looked away from him, refusing to look at him. Because it was true. She was sad, constantly. An overwhelming sadness that felt like a burden to her. A sadness she couldn’t stop to acknowledge properly because then she’d collapse. “Maybe, av og til.” she mumbled, still looking away. Why did this guy waltz into her life and why did he have to say these things. He was supposed to be some rich, emotionless guy, and he was certainly wasn’t supposed to make her feel all these things.

And that? Kind of hurt. Because what if Chris was just joking. Playing some mean joke on her behalf, before he returned to his crew just to laugh and point at her. Even Noora would laugh as she was hanging on William's arm. Because Noora was unique. She probably never played with barbie dolls. How could she trust this guy? Was it safe? Hell no. He was Penetator Chris. New girl every week. Handsome as a snake.