Hi, I’m not sure if you remember me, but this is Jade. We used to follow each other on tumblr years ago. I know it’s been a very long time, and for all I know, maybe things have changed a lot since then. In which case, I don’t mean to remind you of something you did that you no longer do. But I have to get something off my chest regardless. I made a post about my abusive mother. My blog was one of the only places I could talk about the constant physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I was dealing with from my narcissistic parent I had dealt with since early childhood. Then you sent an ask saying, “Sometimes you just need to listen to your mom. Sorry!” This is not how to speak to an abuse survivor. At best, it’s patronizing. At its worst, it’s enabling and can gaslight a person into thinking they did something to deserve the abuse, keeping them stuck in the cycle. I have complex PTSD, and I already believed that I deserved abuse. You asked me to listen to the woman who told me i was worthless and that i should kill myself. Your ask made me cry. Perhaps it wasn’t obvious to you that I was being abused, but regardless, I didn’t appreciate the implication that I was the one in the wrong and the trauma was in my hands. Again, maybe you don’t subscribe to this approach anymore. But in the case that you would still say this to someone else, please listen to people before feeling entitled enough to tell them they’re in the wrong, and please hold abusive parents accountable.
Oh Jade, I'm so very sorry and I hope you will forgive me. I don't remember the context in which I said that to you, but I cannot imagine a scenario where that would be an appropriate response from me or anyone else. It was wrong of me to do that.
I'm sure it took a lot of courage for you to write to me, and I appreciate you taking the time to express your feelings, which are very valid. I'm sorry I hurt you and wish I could take back those words. Looking back, my response sounds flip and shallow, but please believe me when I tell you I didn't mean to minimize your pain. I'm not typically the type of person who tells people to "suck it up" when they trust me enough to share their feelings with me. Unfortunately, that sounds like what I was saying to you, and again, I'm so sorry.
I hope your situation with your mom has improved, but if not, I hope you are able to heal and not let the abuse/narcissism destroy your life.
No one deserves to be abused, ever, and I'm sorry that my response contributed to that pain you endured, making you feel responsible for your mom's behavior. You were the child and she was the adult who should have known better. (I wish I'd known better, as well). It was NOT your fault. I hope you will forgive me, and please know that I understand my words were harmful and hurtful. It's not the way I would respond today.
You are absolutely NOT worthless and never have been, and I hope you can understand and embrace how precious you are, no matter what anyone says. I feel you must be a pretty remarkable young woman to write to me again after I'd let you down. Again, I appreciate your courage and character to be able to do that.
I wish you all the best, and hope you are able to live the kind of life you want and deserve.
